Carol woke up in the middle of the night, bathed in sweat. She had another nightmare. For a moment, she almost panicked, not knowing where she was, total darkness surrounding her. But then she registered Ezekiel moving next to her, and although she couldn`t see him in the dark, his familiar scent surrounded her, calming her. His hand tentatively touched her leg and with a small sob she scooted closer, pressing her body against his, searching comfort in his arms.
Carol remembered what happened a few hours earlier, how she`d completely broken down in Ezekiel`s arms. Everything had become too much, the guilt and shame overwhelming her. She had screwed up, her hate and need for revenge blinding her, robbing her of her common senses. Now two people were presumably dead and it was all her fault. She didn`t even blame Daryl and the others for leaving her alone at the caves.
At that moment Carol knew that she couldn`t go on like this anymore. She was broken, shattered into a million pieces. In all her pain she didn`t know what else to do than to seek out the one person that meant more to her than anyone else. The one person who had been able to fix her when she didn`t want to be fixed. Her husband. Carol never stopped calling Ezekiel that in her mind, although she probably lost all right to do so by her own foolishness. With him on her mind, she made her way back to Hilltop.
She had wanted to apologize but instead completely lost it as soon as she saw him. Now lying in his arms, she tried again.
"I`m sorry."
Ezekiel didn`t say anything, just gently stroked her back. He thought Carol was talking about yesterday. Jerry had arrived with Aaron at Hilltop a little while before Carol, telling him everything that had happened at the caves, what Carol had done and that Connie and Magna probably were dead.
"Everything that happened is my fault. I`m so sorry. I never should have let him go."
Ezekiel stiffened slightly. She wasn`t talking about yesterday. She was talking about Henry.
"It`s my fault that he`s dead. I killed our son."
Carol was sobbing again, her face pressed against Ezekiel`s neck. He could feel her tears, his own silently streaming down his cheeks. Burying his face in her hair, Ezekiel whispered in her ear.
"You did NOT! You couldn`t have known what was going to happen. It`s not your fault."
"How can you say that? I`m the one who allowed him to go to Hilltop! And I`m the one who left that day! If I had stayed – "
Ezekiel interrupted her.
"And I`m the one who didn`t protect him! I was there and I had no idea what was happening! I even talked to his murderer! If anyone is to blame for his death, it`s ME!"
In the dark, Carol put her hands on Ezekiel`s cheeks, feeling his tears. Resting her forehead against his, she shook her head, whispering "no, no, no" over and over again. She would never lay any blame on him. For the first time since losing their son, they cried together, holding and comforting each other the way they should have done months ago.
When she calmed down a little, Carol took a deep breath. As hard as it was, it felt good to finally talk to Ezekiel, to try and fix things between them. She didn`t know if it was still possible, if he was even interested in having her back, but she needed him to know why she did what she did, what had driven her away from him. And that she regretted her decision. She regretted it almost immediately, but by the time her and the others had arrived in Alexandria last winter, it had been too late to go back.
She tried to summon up her courage, but before she could say something, Ezekiel surprised her.
"I miss you so much."
Carol`s heart clenched at the sadness in his voice, knowing that she was the reason for it. She just had to make that right again.
"I miss you, too. I`m so incredibly sorry for leaving you alone."
"You don`t have to apologize. You did what you had to do. I don`t blame you."
Putting her fingers over Ezekiel`s mouth, Carol silenced him.
"Don`t. Please let me try and explain." When she felt him nod, Carol continued.
"I know you probably think I left because I was blaming you for what happened. I never did that for a second. I always blamed myself. And I was so angry at myself. And her. The anger, it just got more and more each day, it consumed me. You were mourning and I knew that I should have been there for you, I knew that you needed me, but I couldn`t be what you needed. It scared me so much. I was scared that if I stayed, I would lose you, too. That I would lose your love and you would turn away from me and that would just completely destroy me. So I thought it would be best to leave. If I left, I wouldn`t have to face you starting to hate me. I tried to protect myself from even more heartbreak. It was the stupidest thing I ever did."
Carol let out a humorless little laugh.
"I know it doesn`t make any sense. But that`s what I was feeling. I regretted my decision a million times since then."
Ezekiel took her left hand, first kissing her palm, then her finger with her wedding ring on it. Then he put her hand on his chest, right over his heart, holding it there.
"Never ever will I stop loving you. No matter what happens, no matter whatever you`ll do or won`t do, there isn`t anything or anyone in this world that could make me stop loving you. I need you more than I need my next breath. If there is anything that the past months have shown me than it is this. You are my world, my whole life. And I will fight to keep you with me."
The relief that washed through Carol at Ezekiel`s words was overwhelming in its intensity. There was still a hard fight ahead of them, the thread from Alpha and her group bigger than ever. And she still wanted her revenge. She wouldn`t let it consume her anymore, though. Whatever lay ahead of them, they would face it together. Nothing was more important than her husband, her marriage. She knew that now. She wouldn`t let it slip away again.
Rolling to his back, Ezekiel took Carol with him, wrapping them into the blanket. She lay sprawled on top of him, listening to his heartbeat.
"I`m not running away anymore."
It was a promise and she was intent on keeping it.