a/n: A planned Game scene ready for assimilation and crossreferencing in various places because the story is coming to me all out of sequence and I'm ending up with ch/scene TBA1, TBA2, TBA3, TBA 1.2... scene 1, 3, 6... I Still remember fondly when Heir did this and anticipate when Heir will do this again on the rework. Because aint no life but the krakenlife. But I suppose this can be read as a standalone thing, if you really really wanted. Its better with context though.
Posting this one early for my lovely packmates timewaster123456789, SesshomaruFreak and Ganymede Lullaby - and my beautiful illustrator Kuroswaggy/moonshield, who are all absolute gems [go check all of their works just do it]. Also posting because I am a horrible tease. Ha! [even though my dictation software quit on me because i was too much of a crying mess over these fictional idiots]
Kinda obvious but- Warning: Moderate Game spoilers ahead. Please proceed some with caution, and an open mind :)
Summary/context: Gin knows Sousuke's past shouldn't matter... but it does. And it plants all sorts of doubts. Particularly after Urahara practically rubs it in his face.
Proper notes to come when this gets assimilated into Game itself but- Notes: angst, love, chessboards. So much tangle it is ridiculous. "I Love" echoes and mirrors, and a Bridget Jones Diary palehomage. Love vs sex. Gin being drunk, and emotional, and a mess. Gunshots for the best reasons in the world. Tears. Feelings. An Iceberg in the Falsehood Sea.
Well that's me, so uh. Enjoy.
Just as you are
Gin fumbled for the key to Sousuke's house and unsteadily unlocked the door. He knew he should really give the key back, but he didn't care. If holding onto that house key meant he had something more than Kisuke Urahara did, Gin would hold onto it forever. If Sousuke wanted it back, he could pry it out of Gin's cold, dead fingers. The thought made him smile as he stumbled into the house on unsteady feet, shutting the door behind him.
He huffed and leant back against the wood of the door. He still couldn't believe it. He'd been standing right there and that fucking prick just stood openly flirting and teasing Sousuke. Bastard. Gin sneered. How fuckin' dare he.
Sousuke though... Gin's frown deepened, and rage-filled reiatsu crackled about him. Why hadn't he put a stop to it? Why didn't he say anything? Fair enough, Sousuke couldn't tell people exactly who he was involved with because of the scandal their age difference and the conflict of interest their relationship would cause. Nevermind the fact they'd met as teacher and student, which was all different levels of inappropriate. But a simple 'Sorry, I'm not interested. I'm currently seeing someone else.' would've done just fine. If Gin hadn't put a stop to it by throwing cold tea into Urahara Taichou's face... Gin shuddered to think about what could have happened. What would have happened...
He swallowed the rather large lump in his throat, anxiety twisting his stomach into knots. Was... was Sousuke getting bored with him already? Was he already looking for someone else? Was Sousuke already deciding he was a lost cause because he wasn't opening his legs? Or his heart?
Adrenaline pumped its way through his veins, carried by the frantic beat of his heart. Cold dread licked up his spine as he stood frozen in place.
Was what he had to offer not enough?
He quietly called to Shinsou for help. But found only silence answering. The silence was his answer. And he knew he had to do something before he lost what little of Aizen's attention he'd been commanding. Gin inhaled shakily. He knew what he had to do to keep Aizen-sama's attention. To keep Aizen-sama focused solely on him. It was one way – no, the only way – to keep the man by his side.
He had to flirt. He had to tease. He had to climb into bed with Aizen-sama and open his legs.
He had to be like Urahara Kisuke.
But to do that, he'd need to be drunker. Much, much drunker. The sake he'd had at the bar was a good start, but it wasn't nearly enough to make him lose all of his inhibitions. It wasn't enough to give him the confidence he needed. Particularly since his tolerance for alcohol had increased.
Gin sighed and made his way into the kitchen. He'd spied where Sousuke kept his wine on one of his earlier visits, so that made things easier. He opened the cupboard up and found the wine rack. There were only three bottles there, but that was more than enough. It would only take one, possibly two, to get him adequately wasted. He took the bottle of red first, pulling the corkscrew out of the cutlery drawer and opening the bottle the way Sousuke had shown him. And then he took several large gulps from the bottle, letting the wine slide down into his empty stomach, hoping and praying it would give him what he needed to do this. Because he couldn't lose Sousuke. Not now. Not after he'd worked so hard.
. . .
When Gin heard the front door open again, he was sitting on the sofa, partway through the second bottle of wine. White wine this time, though he was too drunk to really taste it. He was beginning to wonder if the man would ever come home, but when he heard the footsteps, his ears perked up. And then he heard that lovely voice.
"Gin?"
And Gin smiled, because Sousuke sounded surprised. And he knew it took a lot to surprise Aizen-sama.
"What're you doing here?"
Gin grinned at him, almost giddy with excitement. Deciding that if he could surprise Aizen Sousuke, then he could do anything.
"Waitin' fer you." Gin drawled, in what he hoped was a seductive voice and not just drunken slurring. It probably was, but Aizen's pleasant smile reassured him, giving him the confidence to keep going. It didn't occur to him that Aizen might've just been humouring him, intrigued about where things might lead.
"Well, this is a very pleasant surprise." Aizen grinned, both amused and intrigued. A hint of desire flickering in his chocolate eyes.
Good, he likes this. Gin thought. Better keep goin'.
Gin stood from his seat on the sofa as smoothly and steadily as he could after downing one and a half bottles of wine and strode slowly over to his Sousuke. Surprising even himself with his co-ordination, because he only stumbled once. Either he was getting better at holding his liquor or he'd drunk just enough of it. Whatever. It didn't matter. All that mattered was the fact he had Sousuke right where he wanted him, and wasn't too paralytically drunk that he couldn't take advantage of this opportunity.
"Yeah," Gin answered, smiling at him. Words slurring slightly. "I wan'ed ta welcome ya 'ome."
Gin could see the corners of Sousuke's mouth twitch and curve upwards into an amused, indulgent smile.
"Oh? Is that so?" He asked. Mischief sparking in his eyes. "And how were you planning on doing that, Gin?"
Now it was Gin's turn to smirk and try not to laugh. "Oh, tha's easy," he said, excitement and anticipation welling up inside him. Or maybe that was just the wine. Oh well. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that Sousuke was here, looking at him, seeing him. Giving him his full rapt attention. That right now he was the center of Aizen Sousuke's universe.
"Like this," Gin told him. And reached up to pull him in for a deep, impassioned kiss. If a very clumsy, drunk one. And Gin found himself moaning softly, fingers tangling themselves into thick, mahogany hair as they kissed.
. . .
Sousuke moaned into his Gin's mouth, into his kiss. Arms moving of their own volition around Gin's slender waist. One hand roaming up his darling's back, fingers searching for the back of his neck and his silver hair. He didn't think Urahara's presence before would produce this reaction from his Gin. He'd expected screaming and throwing things. Vitriol and jealousy. Certainly not this... possessiveness. But he found he liked it.
He let his tongue venture into Gin's mouth, coaxing submission out of Gin's tongue. Quietly pleased that Gin was finally showing some of the confidence and self-assurance he'd wanted to cultivate in the boy... until he tasted the wine on Gin's tongue.
And then he stopped kissing.
Gin whimpered softly as he broke the kiss, and he could feel Gin's disappointment, mingled together with a sense of desperation. But for what, he couldn't be sure.
"Aizen-sama," Gin breathed in his ear, arms still wrapped firmly around Sousuke's neck. "Make love ta me."
Ah. Sousuke realised. That's what he's desperate for.
He hesitated before he answered. Because how could he have been so stupid? He should have seen this coming, should have known Gin would feel threatened by one of his ex lovers flaunting their shared history and sexual escapades in front of him. He should have seen it, known it was coming, and put measures in place to prevent it from happening. It was a mistake he wouldn't be making again, that was for sure.
"Gin..."
"Please..." Gin begged him, frantic and desperate now, and all the excitement inside him died. Because it was obvious even to him that Gin's plea wasn't coming from a place of desire. It was born from a fear of losing him. Fear of not being good enough, strong enough, capable enough to stand at his side. Fear of being replaced for someone better.
"I want..." Gin whispered hoarsely, "I need you."
Sousuke hesitated again, and he felt Kyouka Suigetsu stirring.
Sousuke, she called gently to him. Sousuke, he's drunk.
I know. He told her. He's drunk and afraid and I don't think he knows what he's asking. I can't do as he asks. It would be wrong.
It felt wrong, too, just considering the fact that he could do that. His stomach revolted a the thought of it and pain surged through his chest, settling in his heartspace. But he didn't mention that.
He felt Kyouka's approval of his decision, and she faded away to let him handle this. Because this was between him and Gin. And an affair of the heart. So he took a deep breath and braced for Gin's disappointment.
"Gin," he said, as gently as he could. "No."
Gin pushed himself back to look at him, and Sousuke could see the disbelief on Gin's face, masked with a smile and a half laugh.
"Ya what?" Gin asked. And then he saw a hint of realisation in Gin's beautiful red eyes. And a flicker of hurt. "Yer serious aintchya?"
Sousuke inhaled deeply and nodded, braced for whatever anger, outrage and disappointment might come from his Gin. "Yes." he said softly. "I am. I'm not going to sleep with you today."
"Oh." Gin said softly, processing his words. The disappointment was thick in his voice, but better Gin suffer a bit of disappointment now than a lifetime of regret.
"But... but why?" Gin asked, looking up at him, pleadingly. Asking for answers, for assurance, an explanation. "I thought... I thought this's whayya wan'ed..."
Sousuke looked at his Gin, who was just looking so lost and confused right now it hurt. "It is," he assured Gin. "But right now, you aren't ready." And right now you can't technically consent to anything.
"But I am!" Gin protested, grabbing his hands. "I am! I can..."
Sousuke took a hold of Gin's delicate hands before they could grab anything between his legs and gently held them. He shook his head in answer, thinking of how Gin's body still tensed up under him if they ended up heading down the path to full sexual intimacy. If Gin ended up pinned by his body and things got a little too passionate.
"Love, stop." he reprimanded gently. "You aren't. Not just yet. And I don't want you to feel forced to do something you're obviously not ready for. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made."
He watched Gin's gaze shift downwards, away from him. Only to snap back onto his face again.
"No! I am!" Gin argued. Firm in his misguided belief, though his voice was shaking.
Sousuke shook his head again. Gods, this was going to be difficult. "No, Gin. I won't accept that."
"But why?!" Gin wailed, hands tightly clutching Sousuke's. His voice thick with dejection and eyes wet with unshed tears. "This is my choice!"
"No, Gin. You're drunk. I can't. And I suspect you're trying to convince yourself more than me."
"But..." Gin protested weakly, no doubt feeling the bitter sting of rejection and disappointment. "But it's how I feel..." he said, hands shaking as they held onto Sousuke's. Voice wobbling with the effort of keeping himself together.
"No," Sousuke said gently. "It isn't."
"Bu' it is..." Gin protested. "I wanna devote myself to you," he added, voice trembling violently. It was hard to watch those beautiful red eyes welling up with tears. "My whole self..."
"Gin," Sousuke called to him softly, hoping his Gin would understand. Hoping his darling wouldn't start crying as he lifted a hand and tenderly caressed Gin's soft cheek. "No."
He knew it had to be said. But looking into Gin's eyes, it was the hardest word to utter in existence.
"Not today."
Gin looked away from him again, and in the span of a few seconds, he could actually pinpoint the exact moment Gin's heart broke in half. Gin's grip on his hands tightened, and he could feel Gin's body shaking and releasing a large sob as he spoke and the tears fell.
"You don't..." Gin began, all disappointment and dejection. Sousuke heard him swallow in an attempt to recollect himself, but he knew it was useless. Gin was fighting an unwinnable war. "You don't want me." Gin sobbed out. And then the dam burst and and Sousuke watched his lovely Gin burst into real, true tears.
It felt like he'd been shot in the chest.
"I though' I meant somethin' t'you." Gin sniffed. "But I guess t'you I'm nothing. We aren't anything. I guess I'm really jus'a hopeful fool..."
Sousuke watched and listened. And his heart twisted in on itself – no, broke – no, imploded – just seeing the tears roll down those pretty cheeks.
No, he begged silently. No, not this, no. Fuck this hurts. No, don't cry. Don't. I don't know what to do when you cry.
He inhaled deeply again and swallowed the lump in his throat before he looked at Gin's face again. Trying to remember what Unohana or Ukitake did and said to comfort crying squadmates. He came up blank. Of course he came up blank. This was different. Gin was different. Gin wasn't just some homesick new recruit he could soothe with a few superficial words. Gin was his partner. He'd need something far more substantial. Gin needed substance. Something Sousuke didn't think he could give. But he knew he had to try. It helped that his heart was hurting, that he wanted Gin to stop sobbing. He closed his eyes for a moment and decided to trust that whatever instinct gave him the strong urge to reassure Gin was the right one.
"Gin, I never said that." he said softly. Gin just shook his head.
"You don' wanna sleep wi' me." Gin said sadly. "You don't want me."
"I didn't say that." Sousuke repeated gently. "I do want you."
The hope in his lovely Gin's eyes made his heart stumble over a beat, and guilt clawed at the lining of his stomach like a vicious pincered insect because it was a hope he had to crush. Because otherwise Gin would do something he'd regret forever.
And Gin deserved better than going the way of all his others. Gin deserved more than that. Gin deserved so much more than that.
"So be with me." Gin begged him. Looking into his eyes with a hopeful smile and a desperation to prove something. Only reiterating the fact that his request was not coming from a place of desire or love. But a place of fear. Then Gin pleaded breathlessly, gripping Sousuke's hands and holding them to his chest, "Love me."
All the air left Sousuke's lungs at the words. Love me. Like that wasn't what he'd been doing for the past few months they'd been together. But the word obviously meant something different to Gin. Something he just couldn't offer because he respected Gin too much, and he felt Gin deserved better than what he was asking for right now.
"Gin," he said gently, warmly, going for as much softness as he could. Wrapping one set of fingers around Gin's and guiding the other set to Gin's face again. "I'm sorry. I can't."
Gin's eyes welled up again and he watched Gin try to choke back another sob as he wrenched his lovely red eyes away from his face again. And he listened to Gin truly break down and cry in front of him, heartbroken. Gin's whole body shaking with its sobs.
Kyouka, he called out. Kyouka, help me. I don't know what to do.
Silence answered him, and his panic grew. Kyouka!
Still more silence. She was holding her tongue.
What use you are, he hissed at the sword spirit. Usually you don't fucking shut up.
He closed his eyes and shoved his irritation away. Gentleness, he told himself. Gentleness.
After a mind clearing breath, he refocused on his crying Gin again, and gently pulled his lovely darling into his arms, and held him close. Managing to resist the strong urge to grab Gin and crush him against his body in an embrace.
"No... come on, don't cry now," he soothed. But Gin only sobbed harder. "It hurts me to see you cry."
. . .
Gin tried to choke back another sob. But it left him anyway. Gods, he'd never felt so small and stupid in his whole life. What was he thinking? Aizen didn't want him. How could he? Aizen could have anyone, everyone, why would he even bother wasting time on him? Why would he even bother when he could have Urahara Kisuke or whoever else strong enough to stand at his side?
But that part he understood. He'd always known on some subconscious level, he wasn't good enough for Aizen-sama. Everybody said so. Everybody sniped behind his back and said he wasn't worthy enough to be at Aizen-sama's side. They loved to remind him of that fact every moment of every day. He knew they were right. It was a fact. But this... the fact that Sousuke himself didn't find him good or interesting enough for even a quick fuck, a fling or just a one night stand... that stung. Because wasn't that the whole point of this? Of being with him? Wasn't having sex the whole damn point?
That was what Aizen wanted, right?
"I don't understand," Gin sobbed. "Don't... don't you want me? I though' ya said ya wan'ed me."
He lifted his gaze up to look right into Sousuke's eyes, searching for some answers that might be hiding there. "Aint this whayya wan'ed?" he asked, desperately. "Me body?"
He watched Sousuke's eyes soften, caught the pity in his eyes that just made everything ten thousand times worse. He felt like a fool.
"Gin..."
"Why don't you want me, Aizen-sama?" he pleaded, his voice half a wail. "Aint I good enough? I mean, I know I aint nothin' likeyer use to, bu' ain' I a leas' good 'nough ta sleep wit'?"
Gin's lips trembled, and he fought the sob that came out of him. Fought back the tears threatening to roll down his face. But Sousuke was looking at him with a strange mixture of hurt and tenderness and he lost the fight. Descending into another fit of hiccuping sobs.
"Why don't you love me? I'm tryin' ta be whaya want. I really am..."
"Oh, Gin," Sousuke sighed softly. Affectionately. Which made no sense. How could Sousuke look at him like that, like he was upset upset by his tears after flat out rejecting him and shooting him down? How could Sousuke hold him so gently, so lovingly? "You already are what I want."
Gin wailed into Aizen's chest, fingers gripping his clothes. How can he say that?!
"But you said." Gin told him. "You jus' said ya don' wanna be wi' me. Don' wanna love me!"
Gin sucked in a breath somewhere between sobs and Sousuke sighed softly. Gin sniffed. "It's cuz I'm ugly aint it?" he asked bitterly. "No 'tractive 'nough." Gin paused to wipe his eyes with the bac of his hand and sniffed.
"S'okay. I know I'mma eyesore. I don' blame ya fer no' wannin' t'be wi' me." He laughed then, somewhat hysterical. "I mean, I'mma mess. Dunno why ya pu'up wi' me t'be hones'. Who would wanna be around me?"
A moment of silence came and went.
"Gin, love," Aizen said warmly, tenderly, like a lover. Only, he wasn't. "I never said that. I do want you."
Gin tried to turn away, but he felt Sousuke's warm, gentle hands slowly turn his head to look up at him again.
"I want you so much." Sousuke continued, voice soft, smiling tenderly. "But not like this."
Gin sniffed again and felt more tears roll down his cheeks. Tears that were quickly brushed away by Sousuke's calloused yet gentle thumbs.
"I don't want this." Sousuke said quietly, brushing fresh tears away before they could roll down his cheeks. Again looking like it hurt to see him cry. Which of course, only made Gin sob harder, cry more tears. Because he just didn't understand.
How could he be what Sousuke wanted? How could he possibly be what Sousuke wanted when he'd just been shot down for offering up his body like he wanted? How could he ever hope to be good enough for that man? Hurt and inadequate didn't even begin to cover how he felt. Gin had never felt so unloved and unwanted in his entire life. And Sousuke didn't even seem to care much for the pain that he'd left him in. Didn't care that he was brokenhearted. Had his heart shattered into pieces.
"But you don't." Gin sobbed. "You don' wan' me."
"I do." Sousuke told him. Voice gentle but firm. "So much."
Gin squeezed his eyes shut and placed a hand on Sousuke's, wanting to take it off his skin, but only ended up pressing it against his cheek so he could feel its warmth. Wanting so much to believe the words despite the pain in his heart. A small whimper escaped him.
"You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time." Sousuke continued, and Gin's grip on Sousuke's fingers tightened. "And I don't want to ruin what we have by rushing into something you aren't ready for."
Gin studied him, blinking away tears. He seemed to mean it. Did he mean it? Could he mean it?
"And for the record," Sousuke added, "I think you're beautiful."
Gin knew he was saying those things to help him feel better, and he knew he should be happy about it. But he couldn't help bursting into tears. And Gin immediately felt himself pulled into those warm arms again, felt the sanctuary and warmth those arms provided as they held him, pulled him close to that warm body. He pressed close into that warm chest, so he could breathe in the man's scent. Elderflower, ink and tea – and something intrinsically, uniquely Sousuke. And somewhere very distantly he heard Aizen sigh, and felt himself being lifted into strong arms and carried across the room and set down on the sofa. Sousuke settled beside him, and gently pulled him into his arms again and held him. Gently stroking his hair.
"No, no. Don't cry, love."
"But- but-" Gin forced words out between body wracking sobs. "You don't want me." He wailed, crying into Sousuke's chest. "If you did you'd- you'd- I can't-" Gin dragged in a deep, painful breath and wailed. "Can't even..."
Sousuke shushed him again. "I'll only sleep with you when you're good and ready." he said gently. Playing with Gin's hair tenderly. "I want you to enjoy your experience with me, and you won't if you just force yourself."
Gin paused, trying to regain his ability to breathe again. Thinking about this for a moment. Panic surging through him again.
"But what if I'm never ready?!" he blurted out, unthinkingly. "What if ya want somethin I jus' can't give ya?!" What if ya start lookin' elsewhere?
Gin knew somewhere in his wine addled brain he was revealing far too much now, but he didn't care. It didn't matter. "I don' want ya ta go back to Urahara taichou!" Gin told him, fists tightly clenched around the black fabric of Aizen's uniform. Hands shaking. "Jus' cuz I aint spreadin' me legs fer ya."
. . .
Sousuke sighed, long and hard. "Is that what this is all about?" he asked gently. And Gin nodded into his chest reluctantly. Trying to hide.
"Oh Gin," he smiled, "Why would I want him, when I have you?"
He watched his Gin shrug. "I dunno. Cuz he's better 'en me?" he asked morosely. "Cuz 'e spreads 'is legs like a whore whenever ya want?"
"Gin," he said gently again, "That's ancient history. He's ancient history."
Gin frowned. "Didn' look like it." he mumbled. Sousuke shushed him again and Gin quieted. But he couldn't help but smile. Gin was cute when he got all jealous and possessive over him. Particularly since there was no reason at all for Gin to feel threatened. Kisuke was ancient history. A page torn from his story while Gin was the whole damn book. When it came to Kisuke Urahara, Sousuke wasn't the least bit interested in rekindling anything with that infuriating man. Of course, Kisuke had been fun to play with, but in the end he'd gone the way of all his other partners; used and discarded and never seen again.
And he'd grown bored of fucking Urahara Kisuke a long, long time ago.
No, it would be more accurate to say that he'd never really been interested in the first place. He was just a distraction from the tedium. A way to pass the time.
But Gin... his smile softened. Gin was different. For so many reasons that Gin couldn't see.
"Gin, think about it for a minute," he suggested softly, one hand playing with Gin's silver hair casually. "Would I be sitting here right now if I wanted him?"
Gin shrugged sadly. "Ya might." he answered, and then his lovely Gin turned his red eyes up to look at him. And he watched his Gin frown again.
"Don' gimme that look. Like yer hurtin' I'm upset. Like it hurts ya when I cry." Gin snapped at him, though the impact of it was negated by the fact Gin was still sniffing and his hands were still fisted tightly in his clothes, and Gin's ear was resting right over his heart, listening to an uneven, erratic heartbeat.
"Jus' go," Gin sobbed again. "Go be wit' 'im, cuz ya obviously don' wan' me."
Sousuke sighed softly again. Maintaining his gentleness even though Gin was testing the limits of his patience.
I don't get why you're not listening, Gin.
I'm trying to show you the way I feel. But I guess I'm just a hopeless fool who can't even do that.
But, I guess I have to try.
"I do want you." he repeated.
"You liar!" Gin wailed into his chest, bawling his pretty little eyes out now.
Gentleness, he repeated to himself. Tenderness. "You aren't listening to me, love." he told Gin, squeezing him as close as physically possible. "I've made my choice already. I want you. And you don't have to pretend to be anyone else to get my attention because you already have it."
Gin choked on another sob and sniffed. Thankfully seeming to see some semblance of reason. "I don't?" he questioned, somewhat incredulous.
"You don't." Sousuke said tenderly. "You don't have to throw yourself at me, either."
Sousuke lifted his hand up to stroke the back of his lovely Gin's head soothingly. "If you're not ready for that level of physical intimacy, I'll wait until you are. And that's a promise."
Gin sniffed again, digesting his words. Sousuke could practically see the little gears turning inside his darling's head. "Ya will?" he asked, sounding hopeful again.
"Yes." Sousuke smiled. "I promised, didn't I?"
Gin nodded slowly and cuddled up to him, finally seeming to take some of what was said on board. "Ya did," Gin admitted, and the twisted knot in Sousuke's heartspace loosened.
"Because contrary to what you might think," Sousuke added, "I respect you too much to jump your bones before you're ready. And I want you to enjoy your experience with me, like I said. And you won't if you force yourself, and you'll only regret it if you do."
He paused, letting Gin slowly absorb all of this. Still tenderly stroking Gin's hair and holding him close. "Have you had sex before?" he then asked, to which Gin hid his face in his chest and shook his head. No doubt embarrassed by the admission. Of course Sousuke knew this already, had suspected this was the case, but it was another thing entirely to have it confirmed.
"Well," Sousuke said softly, "Then it's even more important you don't rush into this."
He ignored Gin's little whine of embarrassment, and continued. Because they had to have this talk. "I want you to enjoy sex. I want you to enjoy sex with me."
He smirked a little at that, though Gin couldn't see it from his hiding place, buried into his chest. He knew he was probably trying a little too hard to cheer Gin up, but he didn't care as long as it worked. As long as Gin felt less pressure to rush stupidly into sexual intimacy like he had. "I don't want you to feel it's something you have to do to keep me around."
He softened his smile and his gaze at Gin, and softly continued. "I want it to feel good for you. I want our time together to feel amazing. Like the first time I tasted you. Do you remember how good that felt?"
Gin nodded against his chest, fists still clutching him. And he knew Gin's face was bright pink now, though he couldn't see it. But these things needed to be said.
"But what if..." Gin whispered, "What if I'm never ready?"
"You will be." Sousuke assured him. "Just give it time. I can wait."
"But how do you know that?" Gin asked him, emerging from hiding and looking up at him, a flicker of fear in his eyes again. "How can you know that?"
Sousuke smiled gently at him and brushed the hair from his Gin's eyes. "You feel desire for me," he answered. "You like it when I touch you, when I kiss you. Those desires will grow with time."
Gin thought about this for a moment. "And if I take ten years to be ready for you?" he asked shakily.
"Then I'll wait ten years." Sousuke reassured his lovely Gin, taking a gentle hold of his hand and linking their fingers together. "Because you're worth the wait. In the meantime I'll enjoy just spending time with you."
Gin blinked at him, truly incredulous now. But at least he was smiling again. "You like spendin' time wit' me?"
Sousuke smiled again. Now Gin's fear had been dispelled, he could relax, and let all the residual tension roll away from him. "I do." he echoed. "So stop trying to be someone else. I like you... just as you are."
"Really?" Gin asked, and Sousuke felt that rush of warmth again, spreading through him at the sight of that smile.
"Really." he smiled. "Because you're perfect the way you are."
He paused again, let his hand gently caress Gin's soft, tear stained cheek again. "And when we do finally make love, when you're ready, it'll be one of the best nights of your life."
Gin's gorgeous red eyes lifted to meet his again, and he watched his Gin's lips tremble. Watched him try to hold himself together. But Gin's eyes were watering, and the effort of it was just too much for his poor, emotional Gin. And so Sousuke just watched his lovely Gin burst into tears and fall to weeping in his arms, sobbing and clinging onto him for grim death. Sousuke sighed softly and just held him tight.
"My Gin..." he murmured softly, hating the way his heart twisted in on itself when Gin cried.
But at least he's comfortable enough around me to openly weep in front of me.
"So- so you'll stay wit' me?" Gin asked, forcing words out between body wracking sobs.
Sousuke just closed his eyes and inhaled Gin's sweet scent. Unable to imagine a time when he wouldn't want to breathe his Gin in. Hold his Gin in his arms.
"Always." he murmured. At which Gin just devolved into another round of loud hiccuping sobs and Sousuke just sat murmuring soothing words to him until he cried himself to sleep in his arms.
. . .
Once he was sure Gin was finally fast asleep, Sousuke gently got up, lifted Gin up and carried him into the bedroom, quietly settling him into bed and covering him with the duvet so he'd be warm and comfortable. He stood smiling at his darling for a moment, looking so peaceful. He thought about leaving Gin alone to sleep in peace, but he decided against it. He didn't want to spend a moment without Gin in his arms. So quickly and carefully, he lifted the duvet and climbed in beside Gin, pulling him close under the warmth of the covers.
He had to smile when Gin snuggled up to him, even in sleep, and that warmth spread through his chest again.
He gently kissed Gin's forehead and settled in to sleep himself. It had definitely been a trying day. First dealing with Urahara who'd thankfully vanished quickly after Gin thankfully doused him with tea, and now this... he definitely needed to rest.
And if Gin was as drunk as Kyouka said he was, hopefully Gin wouldn't remember any of this, and not be ashamed of anything come tomorrow.