AN- If this is not your cup of tea, ew walk away. Otherwise, continue reading!
Cartman The Man
Chapter One - Best Weekend Ever
I got dressed into a brown buttoned shirt, badges pinned, belt tightened, my neck kerchief tied, my socks pulled up, my hair combed, and my shoes clicked together. One foot stomped down hard onto the floor.
At first, I thought I was a hero. I was a ten year old boy, and my room was covered with Nazi posters which included a picture of Adolf Hitler. At the time, I was a little Nazi. I was told that there was nothing worse than a Jew.
I stared in front of the mirror and took a deep breath.
"Eric Cartman. Ten years old. And today you join the ranks of the Jungvolk in a very special training weekend. It is going to be intense. But today you become a man, even if you were a man before. You're just a bigger man." I took a deep breath. "I swear to devote all my energies and my strength to Adolf Hitler. I am willing and ready to give up my life for him, so help me God."
A figure passed behind me then. He was an adult, also dressed in a Nazi uniform. It felt ghostly and fantastical. The guy was Adolf Hitler.
"Yeah, man. That's right." He said to me. "Now, Eric Cartman, what is your mind?"
"A snake mind." I said.
"And Eric Cartman, what is your body?" He asked.
"A wolf body." I said.
"And Eric Cartman, what is your courage?" He asked.
"A German soul." I said.
"Yeah man. You're ready." He said to me.
"Adolf, I don't think I can do this." I said.
Adolf Hitler was my imaginary friend at the time. However, it was not the Hitler we were all used to, because he was imaginary and therefore only knew what I knew. He was a charming buffoon who floated through life with carefree, whimsical abandon.
"What?!" Adolf exclaimed. "Of course you can. You're big-boned, Eric. And you can tie your shoes without adult supervision. You're also the best, most loyal Nazi I've ever met. Not to mention you're incredibly handsome."
I smiled because that made me feel better.
"Now you're gonna go out there and have a great time, okay?" Adolf told me.
"Okay." I said.
"Okay, that's the spirit! Now, Heil me man."
"Heil Hitler." I said.
"Come on," Adolf encouraged, "you can do better than that!"
"Heil Hitler." I said.
"Just throw it away. Don't even think about it." Adolf said.
"Heil Hitler!"
"No, you're over thinking it." He said.
"Heil Hitler!"
Then we started jogging on the spot.
"Yay, now you've got it!" Hitler said.
Then I said, "Heil Hitler," about a few times.
"Oooh, have a great day! You're going to be the best. You can do it!" Hitler said.
We screamed like war pigs and I sprinted out the door.
"Heil Hitler!" I went out screaming a couple more times.
I was running through my hometown then. There were screaming fans, supporters, people crying and women fainting while I skipped happily down the street. I passed by various locals and then met my best friend, Kenny Mccormick, who was also ten. He was scrawnier than I was and waited for me at the doorway.
"Heil Hitler, Kenny!" I said to him.
"Heil Hitler!" He said back to me through his muffled parka. "I'd like to bang his wife."
"Shut up, Kenny." I said to him. "Are you ready for the best weekend ever?" I asked.
"Yes, I am, Eric!" He said.
"Let's go!" I said.
We ran off together and continued to Heil Hitler with everyone we met. Because everyone else was doing it, we didn't look like idiots at the time.
Then we were in the woods later on. It was camp.
Kenny and I sat with a large group of other young kids who were dressed in Hitler Youth uniforms in a field.
There was a captain who was disillusioned and addressed the crowd of kids. He had a dead eye and was accompanied by an awkwardly enthusiastic sub officer. There was also a British female instructor.
"Heil Hitler, guys." He said to us.
"Heil Hitler!" We all chanted back.
"Jungvolk, welcome to the Hitler training weekend in which we will make men and women out of all of you. My name is Captain Klenzendorf and you may call me Captain K."
"Captain K!" I called him.
"Woohoo!" Kenny exclaimed.
"And this is our sub officer, Finkel, and Rahm." There was a beat and then he continued. "So, a little about me. Why am I teaching a bunch of titty-grabbers-"
Kenny started laughing then. "Titty-grabbers. Yeah, that's definitely what I am!" He chuckled through his parka. "Cartman, you haven't even touched a pair of titties, have you?" He taunted at me.
"I have so!" I said defensively, though I really hadn't.
He continued. "-instead of leading my men into battle towards glorious death?"
"Death isn't glorious." I heard Kenny mutter through his parka.
Because Kenny died all the time, he knew death wasn't glorious, but at the same time he didn't have to really worry about dying like the rest of us.
"Stop your bitching!" I scolded at him and smacked him on the head.
And he did.
The counselor continued. "Great question. Well, I've asked myself why I've lost a perfectly good eye in a totally preventable enemy attack. And according to my superiors, you need two eyes to be a meaningful part of the war effort."
"Well, looks like I've got two eyes, so I'm already a meaningful part of the war effort." I gloated.
"Good for you, kid." He said.
Then he picked up a rifle and quickly fired a shot, hitting a target while we all cheered.
"Over the next two days you kids will get to experience what the German army goes through every day." He explained.
"Cool. An army." I said in awe.
"And even though there isn't much hope in winning this war," he continued, "I'd say we're doing just fine."
"Just fine!" I repeated.
"Anyway," he continued, "you boys will get daggers."
We all inspected our new knives.
"These are very special and expensive. Try not to stab each other. No stabbing!" He said out loud.
"Okay. I'll try." I said, because I was pretty sure I was going to end up stabbing somebody.
What else were we supposed to do with a knife if it weren't that?
"Today you boys will be involved in lots of activities such as marching, drills, grenade throwing, trench digging, map reading, gas defense, camouflage, trap setting, ambush techniques, war games, firing guns and blowing stuff up."
"Cool. We get to fire guns!" I said excitedly.
"Woohoo! Guns!" Kenny cheered.
"Yeah, just don't blow yourself up, you poor piece of crap." I laughed at Kenny.
He smacked me and I gave him a look and stopped laughing at him. At least we weren't stabbing each other because they told us not to.
There were huge cheers from us, and Kenny and I smiled at each other, because this was going to be awesome.
AN- Review if you'd like! Thanks for your time.