After half racing to get there, the door seemed suddenly impenetrable.
...
Luke's feet came to a solid standstill, arm raised; frozen in mid-knock. Noah was home. He could hear the man shuffling around inside; getting ready to leave for work. Noah was there. Noah. Right behind this one slab of pine. No longer just in Luke's mind, but fully fleshed, all 6'1", brown-haired, blue-eyed, muscled bodied Noah.
Luke's heart squeezed in his chest. Panic came swift; feet shuffled back; body pressed against the opposite wall. It was white; clean; tidy like the building in general. Simple and smart. Just like Noah.
He almost jumped a foot in the air when his phone rang.
"Shit, shit, shit!" Never was he more relieved to have changed his ringtone from True Colors to a generic old fashioned version Noah wouldn't react to.
He wasn't ready yet.
"Darling, why on earth are you speaking so softly?"
"Grandmother?"
"Have you seen him yet?" So direct. As always.
Luke scoffed, somewhere between a laugh and indignation. He glanced back up at the fortress-like door. "Grandmother, I came here for the meeting. That's it."
"Mm-hmm," she hummed knowingly. "I'm willing to wager you are standing directly outside his door as we speak."
How does she do that?
He knew there was no point in lying. "For about 20 minutes now..."
"Luke, I realize this is not a walk in the park for you, honey. You have suffered a lot these past months. But, take it from an old soul such as I, once Noah opens that door, you will wonder why you took so long to knock."
"But what if he..."
"Darling, it's no coincidence that gay also means happy. Don't let fear rob you of your chance."
He had to laugh at that. "Where do you get this stuff?"
"Experience, intelligence and wit are things I was born with," she smiled through the phone, "now go and get him... I have meetings all day, darling. I expect a full report in the morning."
"Yes, ma'am!" If Lucinda were standing in front of him, he would have added a solute; just to wind her up.
He'd hardly hung up when his phone lit up once more.
"What the fuck?" he whispered, quickly answering without checking the display; speaking with a hint of annoyance, "Hello..."
"Oh, hey, Luke... Is this a bad time?"
Luke's eyes shot up to the door. "Noah...? Um... wow... no... No, of course not. "
"Just have a quick question, if you aren't too busy?"
Luke could hear papers and other items rustling behind Noah. "Are you okay?"
"Oh, yeah. Yes. Just multi-tasking! You know me."
Yes I do. Everything...
"Okay, how can I help?" Luke swallowed the sudden lump in his throat.
"Faith, um, her birthday is coming up and... You know, when she was younger is was easy, but now, everything I think of to buy her I'm worried that..."
"...she'll take offence?" Luke finished with a laugh.
"Yeah," Noah sounded relieved. "I don't want to insult her near womanhood or anything by getting her a baby toy."
"I know the feeling." Luke started to pace the corridor, still unsure whether to reveal himself or not.
There was a moment of silence where Luke forgot to give Noah an answer. His brain raced along with this heart.
"Luke?"
"Sorry, I'm just trying to think. Um, well, she's currently nurturing an obsession with Carol Void books."
"Oh, my god, Luke!"
"What? What is it?
"You're a genius!"
Luke smiled at Noah's tone. "I am?"
"Yeah! I know her! Carol lives in my fucking building! Why didn't I think of that?"
"Ah, don't tell Faith that... Not unless you want my little sister to move in..."
Noah laughed sadly. "I miss her so much, I'm not sure I'd mind."
Do you still miss me?
Noah cleared his throat. "Do you know which book in the series is her favorite?"
"I don't," Luke replied, "but I know she's currently reading Hidden Rumors, so, maybe the book that follows that one?"
He could still hear Noah shuffling around inside the apartment; papers and other items moving about.
"Thanks, Luke. I knew you'd have the answer..."
Luke felt the end of the conversation approaching and suddenly couldn't breathe. "You're welcome."
"Well, you can be sure I'll be giving you a call when..." the door to the apartment flung open so suddenly, Luke jumped. Their eyes locked, Noah's growing into blue saucers, "...it's Nat's turn..." his voice trailed off as his phone wielding hand dropped to his side. The bag he had slung over his other shoulder echoed as it thudded to the floor. "Luke?"
Luke popped his phone in his back pocket; lifted his hand in a small wave. "Hey, Noah..."
"Oh, my fucking...!" The smile Noah gave him had enough voltage to power the entire length of Hollywood Boulevard. "Oh, my god! What are you doing here?"
Seemingly without thinking, the brunette swept Luke into a bear hug; at first the kind of hug male friends give each other; softening into the other kind. Noah's body started shaking; breath shuddering against Luke's neck.
"Hi," he whispered, softly; holding on; not letting go.
"Hi," Luke whispered back; feeling that familiar sense of warmth and belonging missing so long from his life.
"You're too skinny..." a warm hand traveled down Luke's spine.
Luke swallowed. "Ditto..."
"A year..." Noah said; pressing even tighter; seemingly unable to let go.
"Yeah," Luke replied, suddenly feeling overwhelmed; pulling back; creating a distance between them once again.
Noah's eyes flashed that same hurt he'd carried the last time they saw each other. When Noah didn't want to leave Oakdale and Luke wanted him to stay as much as he wanted him to go. It was quickly hidden behind one of Noah's patented emotional walls. "What are you doing here?" he repeated.
"I was in town. I had a meeting last night and..." he swept his hands down his body, "here I am..."
"It's," Noah reached over; pushed hair from Luke's eyes, "it's amazing to see you..."
Luke coughed; ignored the tingle where Noah's finger brushed skin. "But it looks like I've come at the worst time... Do you need to get to work?"
Noah looked down at his forgotten bag. "I was, but... Come in... " he stood to one side, ushered Luke in.
"I was stupid to come at this time. I'm sorry. I can come back later..."
"Are you kidding me?" Noah laughed. "Hell no! Get your butt inside, Snyder!"
Luke immediately obeyed; feeling more and more anxious over what might happen.
...
"Luke, wait…"
Luke froze; felt an instant need to escape; shelter.
"I have to ask why you're here. Why you came. I have to know."
The atmosphere changed so quickly; Luke almost stumbled.
"Please don't, Noah." Luke was conflicted; confused. He didn't know what he'd feel on seeing Noah again, but he hadn't expected this. He'd been holding back waves of emotion ever since the moment Noah opened the door. That hug felt so good; like coming home. He didn't really expect Noah to still be waiting for him. Though he had hoped. So much time had past and Noah was... well... Noah was desirable.
"I meant what I said before I left for LA," Noah told him; hope, desperation and a hint of fear, clear in his voice. "My feelings haven't changed. I still want you back, Luke. I can't just let you walk out without asking. Without us talking about it."
Luke stood facing the apartment door; his back to Noah. He'd been about to leave. They had run out of small talk and catch ups. The only conversation left was the heavy stuff and he just wasn't as ready as he thought he'd be. These feeling were far sharper; so much more than he remembered.
Yet, there were no longer any more excuses for him to stay. He had both expected and dreaded Noah bringing this up; but he still wasn't prepared for the torrent of emotions that seemed to be raining down on him. He was in LA on a business trip. He hadn't planned on seeing Noah... he hadn't! But somehow, he found himself there. It was as though his feet brought him of their own accord. But, if he were truly honest, he knew he could have sent a junior on the trip.
Lucinda had been pressuring him about Noah for weeks; sick to death of watching her grandson floating aimlessly around like a lost ship out at sea. Subconsciously, he was always looking for an excuse to see Noah; first and foremost to see for himself that Noah was okay. Despite what Noah told him the few times they spoke over the phone, Luke always felt it was a lie. He was protective over Noah and, despite everything, that had never changed.
When Noah left for LA, Luke was ready to see him go. He wanted Noah to achieve his dreams and, at the time, his own feelings were clouded by grief. But standing in Noah's LA apartment, after all the long months, feeling that familiar charge; the electricity still alive between them, Luke felt his heart squeeze in his chest; old hurts seeming to reach up and drag him down to a place he thought he'd escaped from.
But along with those hurts, he felt something else too; something he hadn't felt in a while; something that scared him more than anything. He felt want, desire and most of all love; that all encompassing love that he and Noah shared.
Still.
He'd buried his feelings for Noah deep inside; as survival. It was such an unnatural thing for him to do, but the only way he could cope with losing Noah. The only way he could move on with Reid. And by then, he wanted that. He wanted Reid and the new life the doctor promised to give him; a new adventure. But, as quickly as he appeared, Reid was gone. It took Luke some time and painful soul searching to accept Reid's death… But he did it. He thought about Reid almost daily. At first, this was torture, but lately it was with fondness; only a dull ache of loss and regret; instead of the full force it had once been.
Without turning to look at Noah or saying a word, Luke sought escape. He wasn't ready to release those bottled up feelings… He needed more time... A moment where he could breathe again. He couldn't witness whatever expression played on Noah's face.
He marched through the closest doorway; heart banging in his chest; breathing shallow. But there was no sanctuary to be found here... The guest room was filled with unpacked boxes that made Luke scream inside.
"Noah isn't happy in LA," they seemed to mock. "Noah never really left Oakdale! Noah is all packed and ready to return to you at a moments notice!"
Luke felt like he was dying... Right there, he would die! He knew it! The feelings inside would burst out and tear him in two.
He felt Noah enter the room. He always could; had always marveled at that; their intense level of connection.
"Luke?" Noah's voice was wrecked; broken beyond measure; only serving to hurt Luke even more.
Luke wanted to ask Noah to leave; to ask for more space; but he turned to find Noah's eyes flowing with tears. Luke had only ever seen Noah cry like that after his father's death. Just that one time. Noah was crying, and that could mean only one thing… he was hurting.
Luke took a step forward; as always wanting so much to take Noah's pain from him; but he stopped short; didn't know where the line was anymore. The urge to touch him was a burning in his fingertips.
"I'm sorry," Noah wept, "I can't help it. It's… you're in here, Luke." Noah banged his fist against his chest.
The look of love and longing in those blue eyes caused something inside Luke to explode. Every feeling he'd ever had for this other man; every ounce of love, want, hate, frustration, lust, longing kicked up intensely. Noah still wanted him. He still wanted Noah. And yet...
"Dammit, Noah!" What fine thread of control Luke maintained over his emotions snapped...
He pushed Noah across the room; forced him up against the wall. He watched the air knock out of the brunette; barely gave the man time to recover before pressing their lips together; devouring him with more intensity than he'd ever known in his life. Noah responded with equal measure; tongues slid; load groans rumbled between them. When they first met, Noah almost clumsy tall; Luke shy and awkward, they'd quickly worked out the best positions; the angles where they fit the closest. And their bodies remembered; every stretch of their length meeting; covering.
It had been too long! God, but he had missed Noah! Every part of him screamed with the need to touch this other man; but he wasn't ready for the feeling of Noah's hands on his body; couldn't handle that just yet. He pinned Noah's arms firmly to the wall above their heads.
How did I ever let this go...
Because he gives up. He makes you love him and then he pushes you away...
Luke pulled swiftly out of the kiss; panting for air. The two men spent time staring deeply into each other's eyes, hazel on midnight, foreheads touching. A small drop of blood dribbled down Noah's chin from a cut on his lower lip. Luke lifted a hand; wiped it with his thumb; wondered when he did that.
Just as quickly as the desire and want flared up under his skin, the fear and uncertainty crept in. His heart ached at knowing he might still lose this. There was still so much anger between them; just as there was so much desire to start again. It was like a story he once read to Natalie. The prince, standing on a rocking outcrop above stormy seas. If he jumped, he risked death; or, he might sink into a magical mermaid kingdom hidden below; live the rest of his life happily ever after. Noah had been the cause of some of Luke's worst pain; sent him on a long, ugly journey he almost didn't come back from. But Noah had also been the source of the most fore-filling joy he'd ever experienced.
Still holding Noah's arms up against the wall, Luke dropped his sad gaze to the floor; shaking his head. He released his grip, turned his back, and took a step away from Noah.
Noah slowly lowered his arms. His voice betrayed the lack of control he had over his emotions; feelings ran too deep, hurt too much. His voice hitched as he said, "You can't get past it… can you?"
Luke's shoulders sagged; even as he breathed deeply; painfully. Then Luke spoke softly, "I want to. I need to..."
Noah took a deep breath; swallowed hard before he spoke. "I wish I could have found a way to deal with the blindness without hurting you. I wish I could take back what I did to you… but I can't. All I have is…" he looked around trying to find the word, "…now. I love you so much! I love you more than I ever did and I want you back. I know that for you it's not simple, but I also know that you still love me, otherwise you wouldn't have kissed me. All I can do is wait and hope that you can find a way to forgive me, because you haven't yet… you haven't forgiven me, have you?"
Luke knew how difficult Noah found it to express how he felt. "Noah I…"
"Have you!"
"You hurt me."
"I know. You hurt me too."
Luke nodded; turned to face him again. "You did what you had to do… to deal… and I get that. Mostly, I'm just disappointed. I thought nothing could ever break us up. We were a team… I believed that you were finished dealing with things on your own."
Noah nodded.
"Can you understand, Noah?" Luke almost whined, shaking his head. "You pushed me away, over and over... You made it clear that you didn't want me in your life. Do you have any idea what that felt like?"
Noah lowered his eyes; blinking tears.
"You did what you've always done... As soon as things got hard you ran away. And to hell with the consequences, to hell with us even! You broke my heart, Noah, and then you got angry with me for trying to move on… for hooking up with someone else? I mean what did you expect?"
"No, Luke! You have to believe that I wasn't angry at you for finding someone else..." Noah took another deep breath. "When I let you go, I knew you would. Hell, I even wished it for you! I wanted you to find somebody to make you happy where I couldn't anymore. I wasn't in a place where I could do anything apart from get up in the morning!"
"I know."
"But you and Reid..." he trailed off as his voice constricted. "I was angry that you never told me. I was angry because the two of you were carrying this thing on right... in… front… of… me! When I couldn't see it! It made me feel like a fool!"
"I'm sorry, Noah." Luke sighed. He was tired… so tired... and his emotions were in turmoil.
"And I trusted him, Luke! He was my doctor. I confided in him about us! I told him things, and he knew how desperate I was to get my sight back… so that I could make things up to you! Fix us! And I felt like he took the things I told him, and used them to draw you in. It was like he stole my chance to make things right again!" He shook his head.
"How could we have told you, Noah?" Luke whispered, and then louder as frustration set in. "You needed him! You needed him to give you your sight back! I couldn't tell you, can't you understand that? I couldn't risk doing something that would jeopardize your chance to see again. Besides, how could I have explained it to you what I didn't understand myself?"
Both men remained silent for a while after that. Luke was about to speak, when Noah interrupted him by holding up his hand. "I know that. Please, believe me, I do. I know Reid just fell for you like I did. Hell, I can hardly blame him... If anybody understands how easy it is to love you, it's me."
Luke stood frozen by Noah's words.
"Looking back, I realize Reid did try to warn me. I guess at the time he was afraid to fall too deep. I guess he knew I only had to open up and you would pick me."
"I did."
"I know… and I shot you down… Because I was angry and shocked and... scared. I was a coward and I didn't have the right to…" he sighed. "Look… I know you loved him. And I'm sorry for the way you lost him. I've accepted it, Luke. I've accepted a lot of things about what happened. I know how much I hurt you, alright? I know I'm asking a lot because of it. Maybe I don't deserve you anymore, and maybe I should just let you go... But I can't… I've tried… I just want you back… I just want to hold you so much, Luke! I miss you so much."
Luke couldn't contain his surprise. Noah was different… he was different somehow. In the past, Luke could only guess at what was going on in Noah's head or he would have to draw it out of him. But here was a different Noah… a Noah whose heart was open; expressing himself; expressing his feelings clearly… with words! And for the first time since their breakup, Luke allowed himself to hope… Maybe… maybe this could work... Maybe everything that had happened and everything they had become because of it, only meant that now… that now they were even more… right for each other? Was it even possible? He shivered. He was afraid.
"When we spoke on the phone, why did you tell me you're okay out here in LA?" Luke asked.
"Because you needed me too." There was a long pause before the Noah spoke again. "I know you want me, need me, to tell you that I'm happy, but I'm not. Look at me, Luke!" Noah gesticulated towards himself with his hands. "I love my job, but... I am such a mess! I mean look around!" His hands swept the room. "I'm stuck, Luke! I'm stuck without you… I can't move on… I can't settle. How can I call this place home when you're my home? I need you! I don't want anything or anyone as much as I want you." He was sobbing now, his wet blue eyes pleading, begging for a release only Luke could give him. "I would give up the job in a heartbeat for you. If you don't want this anymore, then I can understand that… After everything," he let out a bitter laugh, "I can understand… But, I don't know how I'll cope. This past year, this whole time, all I've done is wait for you. I've just passed the time with work and sleep and hope! And now you're finally here! Like out of my dreams! And I'm terrified, Luke! I'm so scared that you're gonna walk away and never come back..." a pained gasped escaped his lips. "If you leave now… if you walk out that door… you take that final speck of hope with you. If you leave then I really have lost you for good. I really am alone!" The panic was setting in now! It was getting difficult to breathe; he swayed. "God, I… I…"
"Noah!" Luke screamed as he caught him just before he hit the floor.
Noah choked; coughing and sobbing; trying to get in mouthfuls of air, as they both lay sprawled across the floor.
"Noah, calm down, breathe, just breathe…"
And those words, words he knew he had uttered before, brought back such an overwhelming feeling of love for this broken man. Everything that had happened to them and between them since the first day they met flashed through his mind. All the emotion he'd locked away inside, burst out like a tidal wave. And suddenly, just like that, he knew what he wanted. He knew what he had always wanted. He knew what he had to do. Softly, Luke smoothed the unruly black curls from Noah's face; whispered gently, "It's alright. I'm here. Just breathe."
Luke moved to hold him, spooning him as they lay on the floor. It felt so good, so close, so right. The sobs faded from Noah's body; his breathing calmed; became more regular. He pulled Luke's arms close around him. They lay there in silence on the plush carpet, gaining comfort from the warmth of each other; listening to their hearts beating together. And they slept; right there on the floor. They slept for hours; until rays of afternoon sunlight fell through the open blinds and bathed them in zebra patterns.
...
They stared into each others eyes, both too afraid to say anything. They were facing each other; arms and legs wrapped around each other as though holding on. They awoke together; both afraid this might be the last embrace; that if they spoke, all the pain still laying between them might rip them apart for good.
Noah broke the silence in a voice so soft and hesitant, Luke had to strain to hear it. "Please don't leave me."
Luke closed his eyes, paused for just a moment; leaned in to place a gentle kiss on Noah's expectant lips. He pulled back; thoughtfully studied Noah's mouth, pressing a finger over the small cut he'd made the night before, as though to smooth it away somehow.
"Slowly," he said.
"What?"
Luke made eye contact again. "Everything you said... I've felt that too. That fear this might be the last chance? I didn't know what would happen when I saw you again. I hoped... I wanted..." he sighed. "I want this too. I just don't know if I can survive if it doesn't work out."
"Me either..."
"But what we had... what we have... it's worth the risk..."
Noah's eyes welled. "Yes, for me too..."
"So, I think... we can take things slowly. See what happens." Luke hardly dared to hope.
Is this really happening? God, but he's so beautiful.
"Start again?" Noah asked, hopefully.
Luke nodded. "But Noah…?"
"Yes, Luke?"
"I can't be hurt like that again," he shook his head, "I won't make it."
"I know. Never again." They kissed as if to seal a deal.
"It won't be easy," Luke started as they broke apart. "There are so many things we need to talk about. Things wrong that need to be made right if we want this to work but…"
Noah stopped Luke's words with another burning kiss before uttering, "I'll work with you this time, okay? I never want to feel what it's like to lose you again! Trust me, Luke! From now on it's you and me, together on everything, I promise."
"…but…" Luke drew the word out to indicate that he hadn't finished with his previous thought, "…but laying here right now… it feels like… it feels like we were never apart."
"Yes, it does." Noah agreed with a smile, playing with Luke's fingers.
They lay in silence for a while longer, until Luke erupted in an unexpected and totally inappropriate fit of giggles.
"What's so funny!" Noah laughed.
"Wait until Mom hears out about this!"
Noah snorted in response. "She always has been our biggest supporter."
"Yip. Surprised she never marketed Luke and Noah t-shirts and celebratory mugs."
That really sent Noah over the edge. He laughed loudly for quite some time. It was the most beautiful sound to Luke's ears.
"I love you, Luke Snyder. I never stopped."
"Same here, Noah Mayer, same here."