NOTE: Addition story text was added March 2020 to bring these installments in line with the rest of the series...

...

The delicious smell of home cooking and the melodic sounds of Beethoven, hit Noah from the moment he opened the door. He smiled softly to himself, relief flooding through him, like water after days in the desert. For months he'd returned home to the dark and empty apartment; a reflection of what he felt in his heart. Each time the loneliness inserted itself a little deeper; the small amount of faith he was clinging to diminishing a little more. The fact was that, by the time Luke finally arrived at his door, any hope Noah had of ever getting him back was all but gone; leaving nothing but the shell of a person.

Leaving for LA, leaving Luke and Oakdale behind, hurt more than anything ever had in his entire lifetime. More than his mother's neglect, more than his father's rejection, more than losing his eyesight. It even hurt more than seeing Luke in Reid's arms; the two of them locked in a passionate kiss. But he had done it, mostly because he knew it was what Luke needed. He was willing to do just about anything for Luke.

He knew that if it wasn't for movie making to fill the lonely hours, he wouldn't have held out for as long as he had. Being a director was all he'd ever dreamed of becoming and here he was, working in LA of all places. It was stressful, balancing his final exams with his responsibilities as director of a film; trying to stay on time and within budget. But, using this to keep his mind off Luke, had turned him into quite the workaholic; somehow he was excelling at it all. But despite loving the job; living his dream job; his personal life was hollow.

He thought back to the day he found himself at the airport with a ticket to Oakdale in his hand. He wasn't going to contact Luke; he just wanted to catch a glimpse of him; even if it was from a distance. His heart ached to see Luke. The want was so great, it felt like it would crush him. But, as he stood in the queue to board the plane, he knew he couldn't do it. Staying away was what Luke needed from him. Somebody else in Oakdale was bound too run into him. News in such a small town traveled pretty fast and it wouldn't have taken long for Luke to find out; perhaps feel pressure Noah didn't want to pile on him.

So a dejected Noah left the airport; returned to the dark apartment. With a frenzied energy, he searched through all the unpacked boxes, throwing things aside until he found what he was looking for. He crossed the room holding a neat box of all the letters, e-mails and messages Luke had sent him over the years. With his heart burning in his chest, Noah spent the entire night in the dark. He sat on the floor with his back up against the wall, reading all the words of love by the moonlight spilling through the window. He was like a heroin addict squelching his addiction with methadone. A temporary fix… until the next craving took hold.

But, for the past glorious month, he had been coming home every night to Luke. Whenever he turned the key in the lock, there was still a tinge of fear… that when he opened the door he would find Luke gone again. But the feeling quickly dissipated as the light and warmth of the place; the sense of Luke's undeniable presence; engulfed him.

Closing the door quietly behind him, he moved stealthy toward the kitchen; so that he could enjoy a few minutes just watching Luke at work. He loved the concentration Luke had whilst cooking; the way he weaved from one side of the kitchen to the other, stretching his body up to the top shelf to lift off a bottle of spice or source that he needed. Noah couldn't help but think of how proud Emma would be of her grandson, the cook!

They spent their first two days back together in complete radio silence from the outside world. Except for one phone call to their respective work places, the two of them did nothing but cuddle together; barely able to stop touching; watching movies and reminiscing. Basically just getting to know one another again. Eventually, the cuddles began to turn into desire; that intense sexual energy they weren't yet ready for.

...

Edward G. Robinson was right in the middle of explaining his complex thoughts about the man with the broken leg; when Luke's hand moved from smoothing Noah's chest through his shirt, to seeking the skin underneath. Noah inhaled sharply; Luke's fingertips finding what they were looking for; snaking up under Noah's shirt to feel his ribs, searching out a nipple. Luke shuddered into Noah's ear; took the lobe in his teeth; groaned and pressing a straining groin into Noah's thigh; lost in sensation.

The movie dialogue faded, forgotten, into the background. Noah turned on the sofa; burrowed himself under Luke; captured Luke's lips in his own and cupped a hand round the back of Luke's neck. He squeezed at Luke's bicep, pulled the man closer. Luke's knee forced itself between Noah's thighs; rubbing hardness against hardness; their shared desire obvious. Luke's kiss was one of eager energy; melding his tongue in a long explorative caress.

Their heads pressed together as they pulled out of the kiss. Noah felt hungry with longing; but lifted his head; fearful of the rush. The super charged desire that proved always so overwhelming; bringing him back to his senses.

Luke read his thoughts. "Time for bed?"

Noah swallowed; nodded; unable to speak or he might lose his mind; flip Luke over, draw down his shorts to take him right there.

They parted at the guest room with a press of lips. Nothing more. Nothing deeper, or it would lead to too much. One moment to gaze into eyes, before Luke vanished behind the bedroom door.

Noah swiftly found the shower; stepped under a cold stream. But it wasn't enough to put out the fire. He soaped up his hand; pumped himself only five times before spilling into the stream of water. He stifled the groan into his elbow; mental image of Luke doing the same only one room away; almost too much to handle.

If they carried on like they were; this would become a nightly ritual; just growing with intensity day by day. He'd doused the physical desire; but the pull was still there; strong as ever.

He dressed and followed that pull to Luke's door; dropped his head to the wood and inhaled the deep longing in his gut.

The door opened; he stumbled slightly. Their eyes locked instantly; Noah pulled Luke close; kissed him once more.

"I'm not ready," Luke whispered; flushed against his cheek.

"Me either," he replied, "but, god damn, Luke!"

There eyes met in flame; hands gripped almost cruelly into flesh.

Noah sighed, laughed at their desperation.

Luke smiled.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Noah suggested.

...

So, they moved things outside. They went for walks in the park or out for meals at the numerous restaurants. Noah would show Luke the sites of LA and Luke would listen with interest as Noah explained the progress of his movie; showed him the various location shoots.

It was on one of these walks that they found a small bookstore not far from the apartment, where Luke purchased a cooking manual. After two weeks, Noah could no longer afford to take time off work. Luke decided he would use the long daytime hours to learn how to cook; something he'd always wanted to do. Their brief time sharing a flat in Oakdale, had proved how lacking he was in that department.

It was this book that now held his full attention, brow furrowed, while he stirred at something on the stove.

Noah still couldn't believe it... It felt like a miracle.

"Are you just going to stand there staring at me, or are you going to come over here and give me proper hello?" Luke asked.

Noah grinned broadly; walked over into Luke's embrace, just as the man turned away from the stove. "Hi there!"

Luke smiled; gave him a kiss as they held each other.

"Can't get anything past you, can I?" Noah winked.

"Not a chance, Mayer! I can feel you, you know? When you enter a room?"

They shared another gentle kiss that quickly increased in intensity, until Luke found himself being squeezed up against the counter. They both giggled into the kiss as they realized what was happening; broke apart smiling.

"We're going to end up on an early walk, if you keep doing that..." Luke joked.

They were still carefully avoiding love making. Both wanted it. But they agreed on day one they were going to take things slowly. Start again. Whenever they made love in the past, they were totally and truly aligned; strong within the relationship. They wanted their new relationship to be the same. Sex between them was always so intense; could take over everything; forgetting or ignoring the need to resolve issue between them. If they didn't work on this first; sex could ultimately destroy them by masking truth.

"So," Noah asked, changing the subject; arms encircled around Luke's waist; a slight look of amused confusion on his face, "when did you start listening to classical?"

Noah meant to tease Luke, but wished he hadn't said it the moment the words left his lips. Luke's smile wavered; his eyes took on a brief moment of shock; then sadness; glanced almost guiltily at the floor.

"Oh..." Noah sighed and nodded, as realization set in, "Reid?"

Luke broke quickly away from the embrace; turned around to continue stirring the pot. For a moment if felt like all the air was sucked out of the room.

"Luke?"

"I'm sorry," his voice was haunted.

"Luke?" Noah carefully turned Luke around to face him again. He placed his hand under Luke's chin; lifted his head to make eye contact. "It's okay, you know? There's nothing for you to be sorry about. I told you before… I understand..."

"It's… I didn't even realize the connection until you mentioned it. I mean… I guess… I never… I never realized that some things from my time with him kind of… I don't know… stuck?"

"Pretty normal, don't you think?" Noah shrugged, trying with all his might to sound nonchalant.

It hurt. It did hurt to think of Luke loving another man, but Noah really had come to accept it. Luke had so much love to give and it stood to reason that he would look to give his love to somebody else after Noah pushed him away. But Noah knew that it didn't mean Luke had come to love him any less because of it. He had simply shared a different kind of love with Reid. The scary thing was, that if it hadn't been for a cruel twist of fate, Noah knew how close he had come to possibly losing Luke forever.

Noah had felt betrayed by Reid, but despite the anger he had for the doctor at the time, he would never have wished Reid harm. He felt terrible for what happened and he hated what it did to Luke. He knew he owed Reid something special, something as precious as the ability to see. Noah had come to realize that, in some way, he could repay Reid by looking out for Luke. He felt sure that, despite everything, Reid would have wanted Luke to be happy. At least the two of them had that in common.

"I just don't want to hurt you because of it," Luke replied; leaning into Noah's hand; bringing his fingers to lay over Noah's. "We've done enough to hurt each other already."

By some unspoken agreement they had, so far, carefully avoided the general subject of their breakup and Reid, both preferring to live in a protective bubble of their own making. Their new found relationship felt fragile. They needed a place where, at least for a little while, they could leave all the pain behind and just focus purely on loving each other. But both knew the bubble was only temporary. At some point they were going to have to face the real world. Luke had already taken a full month off from Grimaldi Shipping and his Foundation, both of which were clamoring for his attention. In a few days, he would have to leave Noah in LA and return to Oakdale. The thought made Noah feel sick and terrified.

Shrugging off those thoughts for the time being, Noah said, "Luke, you feel what you feel, okay? I don't expect you to keep avoiding the subject, just because you're scared of how it will impact me. We said we would share everything from now on… remember," he pulled Luke in close again; smoothed blond locks from out of his face, "even if it hurts?"

"Yes," Luke replied, "we do need to talk." He searched Noah's eyes tentatively. "We can't put it off any longer."

Noah nodded; tried not to let the fear show in his face.

...

They walked slowly, hand in hand, into the dim lit living room. Their shared dinner had been contemplative. They talked about Noah's day at work, but it was strained. Not strained from conflict or anger of any kind; rather from the fear of where their inevitable conversation would take them. Both knew what they wanted. They knew they belonged together. Everything that had happened over the years had proven that. But the fear was still there. Noah feared being left alone. Luke feared being hurt.

Luke turned to take hold of Noah's other hand. He locked his gaze with Noah; gave him a small reassuring smile; a silent communication. "Everything's going to be okay."

Noah smiled back and nodded nervously, trembling slightly.

"I love you so much," Luke said simply.

"I love you too."

Some time passed.

"Okay, baby... The first thing I need is…" Luke paused to take a deep breath. "I guess I need to understand."

"Understand?" Noah asked the question, but he already sensed where Luke was headed. There was a sudden tightness in his gut.

"I need you to make me understand why you pushed me away... I need to know why..."

Noah took a deep breath, waited a few moments; let that breath go in a shudder. Luke squeezed their hands to help anchor him; give him strength.

"The thing is," Luke continued softly, "usually when people love each other, they need each other. I mean… they need each other to help get them through the bad times. But you… you pushed me out of your life… and… and I need to know why. I need to know why you stopped needing me." He nodded once to encourage Noah to begin speaking.

Noah broke eye contact and looked away.

"Noah… no… No, Noah…" Luke gripped Noah's hands tightly; waited for Noah to turn his sad eyes back to him. "No running... remember? Right here… Just stay right here… with me."

Noah nodded.

God, this is hard!

"Luke I…" he had to fight back the desire to cry, crying would make what he had to say harder; and he knew he had to get it out. They had to resolve these issues if they were going to move on together. Otherwise the months apart would all have been for nothing.

Noah studied Luke's face; reading him. He could see Luke's understanding. Luke knew him better than anybody. Luke knew how difficult this was for Noah. It went against Noah's natural instincts and Luke could see the war going on in Noah's eyes. He knew how hard Noah was trying. All Noah read in those brown pools, was love...

"A few weeks after the accident," Noah began, "I started having to admit to myself that… that the likelihood was I would never see again. And you were right… I did blame you at first."

Luke let out a small whimper at that; but held firm.

"Deep down, I knew it wasn't your fault but… there had to be a reason, right? I mean, I had to know that I wasn't blind by some act of chance! I just needed something to blame it on; be angry at… And I guess… I guess you were just there. And with our history, you know? The way we would sometimes disagree because you can be so compulsive. Like, sometimes you don't really think before you act, even though I know you think you're doing the right thing..."

Luke nodded; didn't say anything. Noah tried to read his thoughts. Luke was quiet and that wasn't like him. But all Noah saw on the blonde's face was a deep kind of concentration; like he was really trying hard to understand.

"I actually forgave you the whole Mason thing way sooner than I think you know. But when I realized that my sight wasn't coming back; that it may never come back; it was easier to keep you at a distance."

"Easier?" Luke asked.

"Luke, you know me, right?"

"Better than anybody," Luke nodded.

Noah continued. "So, you know I had our life all planned out. And it was going to be so amazing, Luke! So perfect. And I was going to do everything to make you happy; to give you the life you deserved after everything you gave me."

Luke smiled sadly. Noah returned the smile briefly; before a shadow passed over his face. "And then just like that I was blind. I was a cripple. And I needed help for everything! Walking, eating, tying my shoelaces!"

"I wanted to help you with all that, Noah..." Luke whispered.

"I know… I know you would have done anything and everything… And I love you for it! God knows, I love you. But that's just it, don't you get it?"

"No, I'm sorry, I don't. You helped me, when I was paralyzed and pushing you away. You kept at it, until I accepted the help."

Noah sighed again, looking down at their entwined hands. "This thing... It's always like we go in circles..."

"Then tell me what I'm missing! Because you were holding something back then, and you're holding back now. But things are different now, Noah. You don't have to keep anything from me..."

"I wasn't me, Luke!"

"I never asked you to be anything! I just wanted to help you..."

Noah shook his head. Desperate to find the words to explain. "I wasn't a good person. I was angry; abusive almost. I tried to keep it inside. I avoided you; so I wouldn't lash out all the time. I couldn't stop myself. The bitterness; that darkness consumed me. That wasn't the life I planned for you! It wasn't what I wanted for you. For us!" He looked back up into Luke's eyes. "I love you, Luke. How could I condemn you to a life like that? You running around, cleaning up after me; walking on eggshells around me?"

"Oh, Noah…" A tear fell down Luke's cheek.

"So, I was desperate. I was desperate to find a way as quickly as possible to get my sight back, if that was even an option! Because I knew… I knew there was only so long that I could keep you at arms length. But there was only one way I could see us staying together. I knew I was hurting you and it killed me. And I did need you, Luke! It took everything I had not to cling onto you. But I thought if it came down to me being blind forever… if Reid couldn't fix me… then it would be easier to let you go. I could let you go and live a normal life. The life I wanted for you. A happy life. Because, I know you too Luke… If you knew I didn't blame you… if you knew the real reason for keeping you away, then you would stay. No matter what I said."

...

Noah's words were like a dagger in Luke's gut.

How did I never see this?

If he knew Noah so well, then he should have seen this, right? It all made sense now… The reason Noah felt he had to learn to live alone… Noah never intended on having a life with Luke if he was blind. In his own misguided way, Noah was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Luke's.

"God!" He drew Noah into him. Noah pressed his face into the small of Luke's neck; sobbed silently.

When they pulled apart again Noah said, "I knew there was a risk that you would start to date other men. I guess… the things is…" he stumbled.

"It's okay, go on…"

"I guess I never considered you might actually fall in love with any of them. At least not so quickly… I thought for sure by the time I'd had the surgery and knew where things stood, one way or the other, you would just still be there. I realize now that it was naive of me… or vain… selfish even."

"No, Noah. The thing with Reid... It was as much a shock to me as it was to you. I never expected or wanted it. I wasn't looking for it. It just kind of happened."

"That day... the day I got all my sight back? I wanted to surprise you, so I had Richard drive me to the house. And I was so happy, Luke! So relieved! Because you had been there during the surgery… the whole time! And I thought… I thought that meant…"

Luke made a small vocal sob as the tears fell. "I know. And then the first time you see me I'm kissing Reid… I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, Noah. When you didn't call me to pick you up from the hospital, I thought it was because you didn't need me. And I knew Richard was there… So I guess... I guess I needed some… comfort… and Reid was..."

He had been such an idiot! Why couldn't he have just waited a little while longer? Why didn't he have more faith?

"I was always going to tell you about Reid," Luke assured him, "you have to believe that. I would never have kept it from you. But I never wanted you to find out like that! I would never intentionally hurt you like that, okay?"

Noah kissed him then; leaned forward so their foreheads touched. "I know, Luke… I know. I'm sorry too. For everything..."

Throughout the conversation they had not once pulled their hands apart. But they broke the connection to throw their arms around each other in a deep hug. Noah's right hand rested on Luke's head playing softly with his hair. Luke rubbed small circles on Noah's back. The only sound was the ticking of the clock. They let an indefinable amount of time pass, standing together like that; for as long as they both needed.

Suddenly it felt like some huge weight had lifted. It felt like they were breathing a little easier.

Eventually, Luke spoke into the folds of Noah's shirt, "I think we're going to be okay."

"Same here."