CHEERS: A Lone Star Visitor
Based on the TV Sitcom Created by Glen Charles, Les Charles & James Burrows
Teleplay by TheTexasPowerhouse
Content Warning
Brief Language
Sexual Innuendo
Crude Humor
FanFiction Rating: T
Setting: November 1, 2017
Boston, Mass.
Cheers Est. 1895
Cast: Sam, Woody, Norm, Cliff, Carla, Frederick, Lilith
New Cast: Nathan (Texan), Mackie (New Girl)
[The camera fades in from black, showing the Cheers street sign, "CHEERS Est. 1895". We hear Carla narrate.]
Carla: Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
[We see inside the famous bar, Cheers, that some upgrades have been made. There are two flat screen TV's on the wall near the hall leading to the pool hall. The wooden Indian is still present near the door, and there are many memorabilia on the wall near the piano area. The only major change to the wall is the addition of a digital jukebox near the piano. The bar itself is as we all remember. Same barstools, same brass rail lining the edges, many different glasses hanging from the roof, many types of bottles with different liquors, the same cash register. The only difference is that there is a modern credit card reader/machine near the register. Behind the bar cleaning a glass is Woody, in his 50's, a little more gray hair on his head and face, but still in pretty decent physical shape. Carla, in her late 60's, is wiping down a table. She's sporting gray hair, but still in decent shape. A digital phone rings, prompting Woody to pick up his personal cell phone out of his pocket. He examines it, seeing it's not active. Carla, still hearing the phone ringing, chimes in with her cracking, gruff voice.]
Carla: It's the bar phone, Wood!
[Woody quickly realizes it and pulls the receiver of a modern desk phone from beneath the bar.]
Woody: Oh, right. Thanks. Cheers! Hey, Mackenzie. Oh, Mackie, right. How are you today? Oh, that's good to hear. You are? Alright. Oh, wait…you mean here? Not in bed? Okay, here. Okay, see you soon. Bye.
[Carla didn't like what she heard.]
Carla: Wood, did you say Mackie or Smackie?
Woody: It's Mackie.
Carla: Smackie! You said Smackie! Hee-hee-hee!
Woody: No, no, no, Carla. Her name is…happens to be Mackie. It's actually Mackenzie, but Mackie is for the short-minded.
Carla: Oh, I can see that!
Woody: Anyway, she's coming by today. She's going to talk to Sam about a job.
Carla: A job? The waitress job?
Woody: Yeah.
Carla: Is she blonde?
Woody: No, brown hair.
Carla: Does she talk a lot?
Woody: No, not really.
Carla: Did she go to college?
Woody: Not yet.
Carla: Yet?
Woody: No, not yet.
Carla: Whoa, wait. How do you even know her?
Woody: She came in yesterday, talked to me, and I let Sam know about her.
Carla: Oh. So, she's the quiet dumb type. I like her already.
[The traditional Cheers intro plays.]
[The entr'acte music starts as we see the Cheers street sign in the afternoon light. The opening credits roll.]
[Inside the bar, business has picked up a bit. There's a few more patrons, some old timers and some new generation drinkers on their cell phones. Woody and Carla are behind the bar, prepping drinks.]
Carla: Hey, Wood. When is Sam getting in?
Woody: He had to pick up a tap. He should be in any minute now.
[Sam enters, in his early 70's, a little slower than before, but still in good physical shape. His hair, though full, is 100% white.]
Sam: Hey, everyone.
[A few patrons rejoice at the return of the legendary barman and former ball player. Sam goes behind the bar and replaces the tap as he talks.]
Sam: Hey, Carla. Wood, when is she getting here?
Woody: Who? Mackie?
Carla: Smackie! (laughs) I'm having too much fun with that.
Woody: Yeah, uh….Mackenzie is on her way over.
Sam: Very good. As soon as I replace this tap, I'll go make myself irresistible.
Woody: Uh, Sam, there's something about Mackie that you should know.
Sam: What's that?
Woody: She's twenty-five.
Sam: GREAT! Just the way I like them!
[Sam has completed fixing the tap, pops up and starts to retreat to the office. The next generation patrons are staring at Sam, slack jawed and a bit disgusted.]
Sam: What!?
Carla: Sam, you gave them the amazing, next generation heart attack again. And you know what that means….
Sam: Oh, right. Hey, guys, I have no intention of doing anything sexual with Mackie.
Carla: You mean Smackie?! (laughs)
Sam: Carla, shut up! Seriously, guys….I happen to be an expert in employing quality waitresses, and I know through the years that young, attractive, driven ladies make the best.
Patron1: Isn't that a stereotype?
Sam: Well, um…
Patron2: If I may speak up for women, that kind of stereotype sounds degrading and de-humanizing!
Sam: You know what that kind of talk reminds me of?
Patron2: Who?
Sam: A woman I used to love! GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY BAR!
[The two next generation patrons leave swiftly.]
Woody: Who did they remind you of, Sam?
[Carla grabs Woody by his shirt and bring the tall guy down to her short level.]
Carla: (maliciously) She who must not be named. She who was a plague upon this bar and all the people in it. If you even think of the stick, even breathe in a whiff of her echoes, I will pulverize you into an early grave. Got it?
Woody: I would if I knew who-
[Carla, in full fury mode, pulls Woody below her height.]
Carla: That dumb-ass blonde know-it-all! The stick!
Woody: Oh, her! HER! OKAY! OKAY, I remember her! Okay, Carla, ease off! Easy!
[Carla lets Woody go and walks off to take her tray of drinks to patrons. Woody adjust his shirt.]
Sam: Sorry about that.
Woody: I'm okay, Sam. Thanks. I forgot how much she hated Di-
[Sam SLAPS Woody's mouth shut.]
Sam: She who must not be named.
[Woody, realizing his mistake, nods it off. Sam released his hold on Woody's mouth.]
[Norman, in his 60's, grey haired and obese as before, enters the bar like the old days.]
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
[The patrons respond with the traditional "NORM!" greeting, celebrating their favorite bar fly.]
Woody: How are you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: My knees scream, my back cracks and my liver's dead.
Sam: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Hell, yes!
[Sam slides Norm a beer.]
Woody: Hey, Sam. Did you ever let the tap flow after you replaced it? You know, to get all the minerals out?
[Norm SPITS out the beer he sipped. Sam and Woody help clean up.]
Sam: Uh, no, Woody. I forgot about that. Sorry, Norm. I just replaced the tap a moment ago.
Norm: I'm alright, but be careful, Sammy. I'm not ready to die yet. I'd like to enjoy a few more brews before then.
[Sam lets the new tap run.]
Sam: So Norm, how's Vera?
Norm: The same. There and…there.
Sam: How's her chin?
Norm: Almost to her left boob.
Carla: And her right boob?
Norm: Almost to her left hip.
[The bar erupts in laughter.]
Woody: Isn't it kind of wrong to joke about wives like this?
Norm: Yeah, so?
Woody: Maybe I'm still old-fashioned….
Carla: We all are, Wood!
Woody: Nah, come on. I still think it's wrong to be that crass.
Carla: Ah, blow it out yours!
Woody: Blow out my what?
Carla: There must be wood in that temple of yours, Wood…..because there's still no lights on! Oooooh, zing!
[A young woman enters the bar, Mackenzie. She's in her early 20's, short blonde hair. Slender but well built, she sports tight jeans, tennis shoes, and a modern Red Sox shirt over her blue-themed coat.]
Mackie: Hey, Woody?
[Woody sees and notices Mackie and goes to meet her. He brings Sam with him.]
Woody: Oh, hey. Come on, Sam.
Sam: Oh, yeah.
Woody: Sam, you were wondering about the vacant waitress spot?
Sam: Yeah.
Woody: Well, here's someone to talk to about it. Sam Malone, Mackenzie. Mackenzie….uh….
Mackie: Mackenzie Guier.
Woody: Guier, right.
[Sam looks over Mackie, liking what he sees.]
Sam: Hello, Mackie. Nice to meet you. So, um, you seem to be in excellent shape. Are you an athlete?
Mackie: Yeah, I played soccer and ran track.
Sam: Well, then you can run circles around some of these guys, including me.
Mackie: Mister Malone, you played for the Sox, right?
Sam: Yeah, I was a pitcher.
Mackie: Right, and I know that was a former generation. But, per chance, do you have any connections to Mookie Betts?
Sam: Uh…no. I'm afraid not.
Mackie: Damn! I was hoping to get his advice on how to run smoother without stressing the knees. Well, that's okay. So, about the job….
[Sam escorts Mackie, in a professional manner, to the office.]
Sam: Oh, yes, yes. The job….let's go to my office and we can have a formal interview.
Mackie: Great.
[Sam closes the office door.]
Norm: So, Carla….things going to go up in there?
Carla: Sam can get up to Mount Everest if he wanted to.
[Inside the office, Sam is sitting at his desk and Mackie is sitting on the couch.]
Sam: So, have you ever dealt with hard people?
Mackie: Aside from my coaches, the only real people that caused me trouble were the over confident jocks. Man, those guys can be so pushy, so cocky….one time, I was in the locker room changing after a meet, and I could tell I was being watched. I look over, and I hear a door gently touch, which tells me that someone was being a peeper. So, I tip-toe over to the door, and start….(sighs seductively)….(sighs again)….. "Oh, you have the right touch."
[Sam runs from his desk towards Mackie, who swiftly realizes the situation. Mackie pops up, forcefully grabs Sam's arm, twists it, and swiftly bring him down to his one knee.]
Sam: OWW! OW, OW, OW! MERCY! MERCY!
[Mackie lets Sam go. Sam recovers.]
Mackie: I'm sorry, Mister Malone, but your reputation with women is infamous. My girlfriends' stories made it all the way from BU to the city's high schools.
Sam: WOW! It only took this long!?
Mackie: So, the pig still lives, even when old and grey.
Sam: WHOA! Hang on! Mackie, I'm no longer that kind of guy.
Mackie: So, why the hell did you come at me like that?
Sam: That was a test. Woody told me how tough you were, and I had to see it.
Mackie: Why like that?
Sam: Sadly, in this day in age, the more drunk a person gets, the shorter their fuses. So, I had to be sure I had a waitress here who knew how to deal with stupid, overconfident frat boys who had too much.
Mackie: Right….and you were one of those guys, weren't you?
Sam: Uh….I never made it to college, but I could've. Trust me, you do not want to take the path I did with the bottle. Abuse is never a pretty thing.
Mackie: And that's what happened to your career, huh?
Sam: Yeah…..hey look. If you don't feel comfortable working here, I can understand if you leave but, if you still want to give it a shot…
[Mackie thinks about it for a minute.]
Mackie: Sir?
Sam: You can call me Sam.
Mackie: Sam, I just have one last thing to say, and I hope this makes no difference.
Sam: What is it?
Mackie: Um, I'm a lesbian.
[Sam, wide-eyed, doesn't believe what he heard.]
Sam: Wha-? Wow, girl. You looking fantastic, eyes twinkling, well built, and a pretty face and neck to die for….. Girl, you're the perfect heart-breaker.
[Mackie, still with reservations, smiles at the compliments. Sam offers his hand for a handshake.]
Sam:You're hired! Welcome to Cheers!
Mackie: Thank you.
[Inside the bar, Cliff Clavin enters. In his mid-60's, he's in a blue coat, blue denims. Beneath his coat is a USPS shirt.]
Cliff: Afternoon, everyone.
[The bar gives a cheerful "Cliffie" greeting. Cliff walks over to his usual spot next to Norm.]
Cliff: About damn time.
Woody: Hey, Cliff. Still watching the World Series tonight?
Cliff: We all should! Although, I wonder how many people in Houston or LA are still alive after that epic Game 5. I heard that at least 100 people needed an AED!
Carla: Yeah, that was CRAZY! So many lead changes, all those home runs, went into 2AM that night….whoa, it was so crazy, I thought I was pregnant again!
[As Cliff talks, Nathan, a tall, hefty gentleman of 33, arrives in the bar. He's sporting a black trench coat that goes to his knees, black gloves, black denim jeans and black cowboy boots. He overhears the conversation and softly walks over to listen in.]
Cliff: Yeah, well, last night's Game 6 was kinda easy for the Dodgers. Everyone's saying that the home field advantage might work out for them tonight. However, I beg to disagree. In World Series Game Sevens, the home team's record is nineteen and nineteen…that's nineteen wins, nineteen losses. So, with the additional pressure, it will come down to whether the Dodgers come to play or not and take advantage of the advantage. Also, will starter Yu Darvish be well-rested enough to dominate, or will Lance McCullers' curve ball break where it needs to?
[Nathan, having reached Norm's corner, chimes in with a big Baritone voice.]
Nathan: What time's the game?
[Everyone simultaneously yells, short and loud, at the somewhat intimidating sight of Nathan, who steps back to give everyone room.]
Carla: WHOA! What th-?!
Cliff: YEESH!
Norm: YAAH!
Woody: YAAH!
Nathan: Whoa, hey! Sorry! I am sorry, y'all!
[The yelps prompt Sam outside of his office, followed by Mackie. Sam sees Nathan.]
Sam: Whoa, hey! What are you doing in my bar?!
Nathan: Sorry, I just came over to watch Game Seven!
Sam: Well, couldn't you have come in a sporty coat?
Nathan: This is all I had.
Carla: Why you need a coat that big or dark? It's only fifty degrees out.
Nathan: Where I come from, that's freezing!
[Nathan goes towards the coat rack and starts unzipping his coat.]
Woody: Where do you guys think he's from?
[Everyone gives Woody a look.]
[Nathan sheds his coat, revealing a dark blue shirt, decorated with Houston Astros fan wear. The patrons give Nathan a look as he talks and goes to the bar to sit down at Frasier's usual spot.]
Nathan: I was supposed to watch the game with my aunt and uncle, but they came down with a little case of the flu. So, the concierge at my hotel recommended this bar as a great place to hang out and watch sports. So, here I am. He also warned me that the owner, I guess that's you sir, is a former Red Sox pitcher.
[Nathan realizes the glares he's getting.]
Nathan: Look, everyone. I know you hate my team.
Carla: HATE does not even BEGIN to describe it, boy! Get out!
[The patrons agree and start to crowd in on Nathan.]
Nathan: Hang on! HANG ON! Yes, my Astros beat the Red Sox in the ALDS, BUT we also beat the Yanks in the ALCS, too! Y'all can't forget that!
[The patrons stop and look at Sam and Carla. Sam nods confirming the info, and Carla doesn't want to, but she still nods in defeat.]
Carla: Okay, you did. Sit down.
[The patrons go back to their places, giving Nathan room to go sit down. Sam talks to Nathan.]
Sam: Man, you just pulled the biggest bargaining chip to save your raw hide.
Nathan: Well, I knew where I was. It's not like you're an Astros fan and trying to save yourself in Arlington.
Sam: Virginia?
Nathan: No, Texas. Arlington is the suburb of the DFW, that's Dallas-Fort Worth, metroplex that is home to our home-state rival Texas Rangers. God, I love to hate them. One time, those obnoxious fans kept laughing in my face every time we got our butts kicked. Last season was torture….we had a better record against everyone in our division, except the Rangers! We didn't make the playoffs because of it!
Sam: So, I guess you didn't like Walker either, huh?
Nathan: Actually, the show was great. I just hate that baseball team. I'm just glad that we FINALLY beat them this year to take the Silver Boot. It's been a few years since we won that. And don't EVEN get me started on what the Rangers did to us after Harvey hit!
Norm: Who's Harvey?
Cliff: I think he's referring to this year's Tropical Storm that flooded a huge portion of the Houston metroplex and surrounding areas. They're calling it a 100-year flood. A million or so homes and businesses flooded out, many came back with no home.
[Hearing this, Mackie walks behind the bar and towards Nathan.]
Mackie: Oh, my goodness. Did you get hit?
Nathan: Fortunately, no. I live in the outskirts of the Houston area and my apartment was up on a hill.
Sam: Out-skirts, huh? Can't recall the last time I used that one.
Nathan: Unfortunately, quite a few of my friends had apartments that flooded so badly, the water level would be over their necks if they were standing in it.
[The patrons moan in sympathy, even Carla.]
Nathan: When the floods subsided, I help a couple of my buddies salvage their personal belongings, which I regret to say wasn't much. Also, the flood waters made their homes stink so bad, it gives a new definition to the word "seepage".
[The patrons moan in disgust.]
Nathan: Oh, hey, I'm sorry, y'all. Sorry. Can I get a double shot of Captain Morgan on the rocks with Coke?
Sam: Whoa, man. This is no place to get high.
Nathan: Coca-Cola…or as I guess y'all say it, Pop.
Sam: Coming right up, partner. Carla, I noticed you were pretty quiet while our pardner was telling his tales.
Carla: Well, when people who cheer for your enemy are also suffering in their real lives, you just can't make mean jokes about it. It's just wrong.
Sam: Well, I'm proud of you. I know it's not easy for you to bite your lip, but thanks for doing it.
[Mackie is talking to Nathan.]
Mackie: So, have you lived in Texas your whole life?
Nathan: Yes, ma'am. Texas born, Texas bred, and when I die, I'll be Texas dead.
[Sam gives Nathan's cocktail in a short glass with a short red straw.]
Nathan: Excuse me, ma'am.
[Nathan sips his entire cocktail dry as Mackie talks.]
Mackie: Ma'am? I don't look that old, do-What th-? Sam, is that normal?
[Sam's eyes open as he also sees what has transpired. Norm, Carla and Cliff are also stunned at what happened. Woody sees and chimes in.]
Woody: Well, it is normal for a customer to drink his drink.
Sam: Whoa, partner! Uh, how-how did-why-
[Nathan, still appearing to be normal, goes to shake Sam, Carla, Woody, and Mackie's hands.]
Nathan: Hang on, we haven't properly met. I'm Nathan, Nathan Grimes.
Sam: Nathan, nice to meet you. Man, how did you clean that cup dry in one take?
Nathan: After enjoying it as much as I have, you just go for bigger and better. And I know as a barkeep, you are looking out for my health, as you should. But don't worry, I just inhale the first one and I take my time with the rest. Whoa, wait. Why does my head-oh, wow! I completely forgot about my hat. Watch this, you'll like this.
[Nathan takes his Stetson hat, and tosses it like a Frisbee over towards the coat rack, and it hits the top of the rack and stays there. The crowd celebrates with Nathan.]
Patrons: YEAAAH!
Nathan: YEAH! Oh, wait! WAIT! I think the proper expression is, "YEEEEEEEE-HAW!"
Patrons: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAW!
Nathan: Yeah, thank you very much! Thank-ee, y'all! (under his breath) Wow, this truly is the North.
Carla: You know what, Tex? I gotta hand it to you. You can light this bar up.
Nathan: Thank-ee, ma'am.
Mackie: Now, like I was saying, isn't "ma'am" more appropriate for older women?
Nathan: Oh, goodness. You're right, little missy.
Mackie: Okay, that's too much. You're not that old to call me that, stud.
Nathan: Well then, how shall I call you?
Mackie: You can call me Mackie.
Nathan: Alright then, Mackie. Can you smack me with another?
[Mackie laughs as he takes Nathan's glass and goes to Sam, somewhat curious at Mackie and Nathan's interaction, for a refill.]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[Later that evening in Cheers, all of the Patrons are watching the TV's, both showing the Astros vs. Dodgers in the 2017 World Series Game 7. The game has just started. Nathan is standing next to a table with Mackie standing right next to him. Sam and Woody are behind the bar, Norm and Cliff are watching from their regular spots while Carla stands next to them.]
[CRACK! From the TV, a baseball bat makes great contact. We hear Joe Buck as the Patrons of Cheers react, mostly positive.]
Joe Buck: (from TV) That is down the line and fair. Extra base hit for Springer to start the night. Into second with a double and a good start for the Astros.
Norm: Yeah, a line drive for Houston on the first batter.
Nathan: Yeah, Springer! That's why he's our lead-off man. He makes the best contact. You know he leads the Majors in lead-off home runs?
Sam: Well, I can see why. His swing approach is really good. Now, I probably know the answer to this, but I have to ask….are you a lifelong Astros fan or another band wagoner?
Nathan: Do you know how many have questioned my lifelong loyalty?
Sam: I'm just curious, man. Who made the Baseball Hall of Fame wearing an Astros Cap?
Nathan: Craig Biggio, and after this year's vote, Jeff Bagwell….God willing.
Sam: That's too easy. What were the Astros named before they became a major league team?
Nathan: The Colt 45's.
Sam: Opening season, manager and owner?
Nathan: 1962, the manager was Harry Craft, and the owners included Craig Cullinan Junior, and the one who developed the concept for the Astrodome, Roy Hofheinz.
Cliff: Very good. Just one more thing…..why is the Astrodome called the Eighth Wonder of the World?
Nathan: For being the world's first indoor stadium ever built.
Carla: What happened to the grass on the ball field?
Nathan: It died….and so they developed the world's first artificial playing surface, AstroTurf.
Sam: Was the ballpark made exclusively for the Astros?
Nathan: Nope. The Houston Oilers also played there. But now, the Oilers are the Tennessee Titans. Also, J.J. Watt and the Texans reside next to the Dome in NRG Stadium.
Cliff: And why was a roof needed in Houston's indoor ballparks?
Nathan: Well, you know how the summer highs up here averages between 72 and 78 degrees? Well, in my home, the summer highs are the fires of Hell!
Sam: He's a die-hard fan, alright. Let him breathe.
Nathan: Didn't know I had to play 20 Questions to earn a little respect here.
Mackie: Don't worry. At least it's not like your boss tried to come on to you and had to prove how strong you were to land a job.
Nathan: Uh, what?
Mackie: Oh, nothing. Nothing….Another drink, Mate?
Nathan: Oh, yes. Thanks, Smackie.
[Mackie starts to leave, but she turns back to him just as Nathan looks at her. They simultaneously correct each other.]
Nathan: It's Nate!
Mackie: Mackie!
[Both Nathan and Mackie smile and laugh at their situation.]
Nathan: Right. Gotcha, Mackie.
Mackie: Be right back, Nate.
[Mackie brings the empty glass to Woody, who prepares another double rum with Coke on the rocks.]
Mackie: Another double Captain with pop of the rocks.
Woody: Gotcha, Mackie. So, uh, I can tell you like the Cowboy?
Mackie: Texan, Woody. He's a Texan. Oh, they're much more fascinating than Cowboys!
Woody: How so?
Mackie: Well, the Cowboys are so full of themselves and the Texans have J.J. Watt.
Woody: Come on, I can tell he likes you. I can tell you like him, too.
Mackie: Yes, well….even so, his visit won't be long, will it? I cannot do long distance relationships. Too much stress…
[CRACK! Joe Buck talks as the crowd reacts initially bummed, but then in surprised shock.]
Joe Buck: To the right side. Darvish has to get over. Tough play….WILD THROW AND INTO THE DUGOUT! Astros take the lead! In to score is Springer and in a blink, Houston on top one to nothing!
Norm: Grounder. Easy pl-WHOA! WHAT TH-!? What is this, Pee-Wee!?
Sam: Aw…..WHOA! Whoa, man! That was a terrible throw!
Carla: YES! YES! GO 'STROS!
Cliff: Oh, well. WAIT A MINUTE! LOOKEE THERE, HUH!?
Mackie: YEAH, ASTROS ON TOP, ONE TO ZERO! YEAH!
Nathan: Oh, man….YEEEESSS! YES, GO SPRINGER! GOOOO! YEAH! ASTROS ON TOP! GOOD JOB, BREGMAN! This is not the Yu Darvish that terrorized the Astros during the rebuild.
Carla: Oh, yeah. Back then, they were called the Last-ros! (laughs)
Nathan: Yeah, that was painful. But then again, when was the last time the Sox had a slump?
Mackie: Whoa, wait a minute! Who is that guy? A little leaguer?
Nathan: That is our MVP, Jose Altuve! Our best hitter since Jeff Bagwell!
Carla: Oh, yeah! He's the same height I was at back in my prime!
Cliff: Yeah, we know of your prime, Carla! You and your 8 kids and 14 grandkids!
[Carla politely walks over towards Cliff with a beer in her hand and then, SPLASH!, splashed Cliff with the beer.]
Carla: HA, HA, HA! That's your prime, Cliff! How you look after a horse visits a tree! HA, HA, HA!
[The patrons laugh at the joke as Cliff goes to the restroom to clean up.]
[A moment later, Cliff returns as the patrons eye the TV's. It's the Top of the 1st inning and the bases are loaded for the Dodgers. Astros Lance McCullers Jr. delivers a pitch, hit on the ground. 2nd Baseman Altuve gets the ball, and tosses it to 1st Baseman Gurriel in time to escape the jam. The patrons react mixed to the sight.]
Joe Buck: Ground ball, Altuve. Dodgers load 'em up, and leave them loaded.
Norm: Wow, that's not good for LA.
Cliff: What? All those runners and nothing?
Carla: Pfft….what losers.
Sam: That's bad. That's bad Dodgers.
Woody: That's not good, right?
Mackie: Wow! That sucks for LA.
Nathan: Whew! Glad we got out of that!
Mackie: Hey, Nate. Is it true what they say about Texans? Are you all cowboys and cowgirls?
Nathan: No, not everyone. Some of them, mostly in Austin and Dallas, are wusses.
Sam: I also hear that Houston has a lot of wusses, too.
Nathan: Yeah, but most of them are on TV.
Mackie: Hey, what about this J.J. Watt guy you keep on mentioning?
Nathan: J.J. Watt, defensive end for the Houston Texans. Humanitarian, started a massive fundraiser to help Harvey victims. Defensive Player of the Year, a terror for the quarterbacks…..when he gets you, your down.
Carla: Yeah, tell that to his knee.
Nathan: (to Carla) Hey, ma'am. Have you ever heard of the phrase, "Don't Mess With Texas"?
Carla: Yeah…so?
Nathan: The phrase was originally used in our litter-free campaign, but ever since, it made us feel a lot stronger and proud of who we are.
Carla: So?
Nathan: Just a bit of info for you….no more.
Mackie: Was that a threat?
Nathan: No, a subtle warning. Hey, I'd never harm a woman over a little quip like that. I do pride myself as a true gentleman. But no, I'd never lay a hand on a woman….unless she was trying to kill me. Or, get in the way of the one I love.
Mackie: Love? Do you have a girl back home?
Nathan: Right now, no. I just broke up a little while ago. She had different views about relationships that I did not agree with. I picked up on it when she tried to take me to her Mormon Church. I sat her down, told her I'm an old-school traditionalist. We parted ways peacefully.
Mackie: I'm sorry to hear that. But, if you're a one-woman man with a great sense of humor and great story-telling skills, any woman would love to have you.
Nathan: Yeah, well…..we'll see what happens in the future.
Mackie: Yeah…
[Carla interrupts Mackie's longing stare with a barking order.]
Carla: SMACKIE! Pick it up! We have tips to make!
Mackie: Don't go anywhere.
Nathan: I'll be right here.
[Mackie smiles as she tends to the patrons.]
[A moment later, we see Astros McCullers batting. He swings, driving the ball to 2nd Base. The 1st Baseman catches it, but McCullers applauds because a runner, Astros McCann has slid home safely. The patrons react mixed.]
Norm: Wow! They got another one…..and it's only the 2nd inning.
Cliff: Three, nothing now! The 'Stros are rolling.
Carla: Lucky break! Sam can hit better than that.
Woody: So, they get an out but they scored again. Weird.
Nathan: Yeah! Great job, Lance! Go 'Stros!
Mackie: Another run! Good job!
Sam: There it is! The pitcher just helped his game.
Nathan: Even though McCullers curveball has been a bit shaky tonight, he just gave himself another chance with that!
Carla: And the Astros still have another batter coming up. Wow! I gotta tell you, Tex! You picked one hell of a day to visit Cheers!
Nathan: Yeah, it's been great! Thanks for having me! I don't think I would've gotten this great treatment if I visited a bar in Arlington.
Sam: Yeah, those Ranger fans would kill you, wouldn't they?
Nathan: Maybe, but not before I rub their two chokes in their stupid faces!
Cliff: Oh, yeah, 2010 and 2011, the Rangers were one strike away from winning it all, and then they blew it all!
Nathan: Still smarts them, let me tell ya….I wore my Astros cap and jersey to Six Flags Over Texas, which is right next door to the Rangers' stadium, Globe Life Park. I got a few looks from the people there, which I expected. But then, I boarded the train that circles the park, and the announcer had the audacity to say, "Hey, this train is for Rangers fans only!" Of course, I got a few glaring looks, but I laughed it off. They eventually let me be.
Carla: Wasn't that nice of them? But I tell ya, you wear Red Sox stuff to Yankee Stadium, your mind won't even make it to the ticket booth.
Nathan: Yes, I'm well-acquainted with the epic Red Sox-Yankees rivalry. But tell me….how many quarts of blood were given in the name of bad vibes?
[CRACK! Nathan quickly erupts at the sight. The patrons refocus on the TV. We see Astros George Springer hit a mammoth home run into the left center-field. The patrons are generally impressed.]
Nathan: YES! YEEESS! IT'S OUTTA HERE! IT'S GONE! SPRINGER DINGER! YEAH! GO 'STROS!
Norm: WHOA! Astros showing no mercy tonight!
Cliff: WOW! YEAH! That was a bullet! 110 miles per hour for sure!
Carla: YES! THE YANKEE KILLERS KEEP ON KILLIN'! HA, HA, HA!
Woody: Amazing! Simply amazing! How much does he press?
Sam: Wow! That's the game right there! Way to go, Houston!
Mackie: YEAH! YEAH, GO 'STROS! Yes! Alright! I bet you're happy!
Nathan: Yeah, baby! But, we'll see how I am after seven more innings! WHOO! GO 'STROS!
Mackie: Is it true what they say in the big league ballparks? "They score, you score"?
Nathan: Yeah, that's right.
Mackie: Well, since they scored….
[Mackie swiftly wraps her arms around Nathan and plants a big kiss on him. Sam sees this, and his mouth drops. Woody sees it, and enjoys the sight.]
Woody: YEAH! THEY SCORED, HE SCORES! YEAAAH!
[Mackie breaks the kiss as both she and a stunned Nathan recover. The patrons realize what has happened.]
Sam: What th-!? Mackie, what was that?!
Mackie: You heard Woody! They scored, Nathan scores!
Nathan: Well, uh…technically, they scored five times.
Mackie: You're right, dude!
[Mackie kisses Nathan again.]
Mackie: Two! [Kiss] Three! [Kiss] Four! [Kiss] Five!
[Nathan takes a moment to recover as the patrons look on in shock, awe and admiration.]
Carla: You're doing great! Kissing up is the best way to get tips.
[Mackie realizes the attention she's attracting.]
Mackie: What?! His team is about to win the World Title! Mind your own business!
Sam: Mackie, can I speak with you in the pool room?
Mackie: (groans) Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Nathan. I hope you're not mad or anything.
Nathan: No, I'm okay. We can talk later. Don't keep your boss waiting.
[Mackie swiftly goes to the Pool room. Carla flirts a little towards Nathan.]
Carla: Kiss me enough, and I'll ride you into my exit from menopause.
Nathan: (disgusted) Eww, no thanks, Grandma.
Carla: Damn! You're a wuss!
Nathan: Even if we lose, there's no sleepin' tonight.
[In the Pool Room, Sam is conversing intently with Mackie.]
Mackie: Yes, I lied to you about being a lesbian!
Sam: Why!?
Mackie: Because I didn't want you to come on to me!
Sam: Okay, okay! It's fine! It's fine. I get it! I'm old enough to be your father.
Mackie: Older than that!
Sam: Okay, okay! I guess that does make it creepy for you.
Mackie: It hit fever pitch when you tried to harm me in the interview. I almost quit.
Sam: Quit? What? You're barely five hours into your first shift, and you thought about quitting before giving it a fair shot?
Mackie: Yeah, but then, once I got on the floor and away from you, I felt a lot more comfortable.
Sam: Okay, I gotcha. So, as long as you work away from me constantly, you can make this job work?
Mackie: I think I can.
Sam: Okay, then um….how about you take care of your orders with Woody and Carla can take mine?
Mackie: Sounds great.
Sam: Alright, excellent! Oh, and one more thing…were you just kissing up to Nate to get a tip or..uh…..
Mackie: Um, well, sir…he's a stud!
Sam: What, and I'm no-oh, wait! I'm stopping myself! Sorry….
Mackie: He's a great gentleman, and he helps his family and friends. Morals and character are a major turn-on. Not to mention that lumberjack finesse…
Sam: Morals, character, stud….alright. I guess I'm out. Sorry…. Anyway, just don't spend all night hovering around him and kissing him. You won't make as much money. The more customers you help, the more you earn. But uh, the next time you have to kiss Nate, take it outside.
Mackie: Gotcha, Sam. Thanks.
[Sam and Mackie return to the main room. Nathan's talking to Norm.]
Nathan: So, you've been coming here for that long? Damn, man! And your liver still works?
Norm: Well, what can I say? When it comes to bars, I'm like a Marine! I can handle any enemy to my liver, foreign AND domestic!
Nathan: Wow! And I thought I was a heavy drinker! And you, sir….you've been in the Post Office for over forty years, and they still have carriers? How did you ever survive the evolution of email?
Cliff: Easy…..online shopping! With more stores going to the internet for revenue, the postal carriers are busier than ever. Especially with the holidays coming up….the cyber warriors are already getting their holiday lists saved. All they gotta do now….is fork over those card numbers!
[At that moment, Frederick Crane, the young prodigy of Frasier Crane and Lilith Sternin-Crane, now 30 years of age, enters the bar. He hangs his thick, high-dollar coat on the coat rack, revealing his sweater, nice pants and dapper shoes. His hair is also well-combed.]
Frederick: Greetings, Cheers!
[The patrons give a nice welcome greeting. Frederick goes to the bar stool once occupied by his father.]
Sam: Hey, Fred! How's the young Crane?
Frederick: We're not extinct yet, Mister Malone.
Sam: Call me Sam.
Frederick: So, I see everyone's watching a World Series game that the Red Sox are not in. Isn't that a bit unusual, Sam?
Sam: Well, yeah, but there's no better baseball game than a World Series Game 7.
Cliff: Yeah, except this one is a blowout!
Frederick: How's that, Mister Clavin?
Cliff: The Astros are owning the Dodgers! This isn't a game, it's a bleeding death for the Dodger blue!
Nathan: Either way, as long as the Astros stick to their game, it'll be our first World Title ever!
Frederick: Who are you and where the Hell are you from?
[Feeling a bit offended, Nathan rises and approaches Frederick.]
Nathan: Well, hello to you, too! I just happen to be from the Great State of Texas, and I'm about to see my Houston Astros win their first World Title! Now, if you have a problem with my team or with my home, your best idea is to shut your mouth, and let me savor this epic moment in history!
Frederick: Well! And I thought the motto of Texas was "Friendship"!
Nathan: There's also the golden rule: Give out crap, get crap back!
[Mackie goes to the bar to Woody with an order, a few feet from Nathan.]
Mackie: Vodka Martini, dry. Two beers, and a seltzer.
[Mackie sees Frederick, and her mouth drops.]
Mackie: Freddie!?
[Frederick also sees Mackie, and is stunned.]
Frederick: Mackenzie?! What are you doing here?
Mackie: I'm working! What the Hell are you doing here?
Frederick: I came here to see why people love this boring game so much!
Nathan: DUDE! WATCH IT!
[Mackie pulls Nathan, deeply offended, away from Frederick.]
Mackie: Nathan…..forget what he said!
Frederick: Hey…wait a minute…..defending….separating him from….your eyes twink-Oh, my God! You dumped me for this, this…
Nathan: Dumped!? You dated this jack-ass?
Mackie: Yes, I dated that…that…kid! But the reason I broke it off was because he's a mama's boy!
[Nathan and Mackie laugh at that. But Sam, Norm, Cliff, and Carla, are trying to tell Mackie to stop.]
Sam: MACKIE! Stop it! Just stop!
Carla: (gasps) Stop her, Sam!
Norm: Whoa-oa-oa! Stop right there!
Cliff: Cease and desist now!
Mackie: Why are you telling me to stop?
Sam: Just stop, Mackie! It's not nice to talk about other people's mamas!
Carla: Especially not this one! The coldest, iciest….thing to ever walk the planet! She might as well have come up here from the ninth circle of hell!
Cliff: It makes sense, because in Dante's Inferno, the ninth circle is describes as a frozen, perilous wasteland reserved for the nastiest-
Patrons: SHUT UP!
Norm: Trust me, Mackie! You don't want to cross this mama! After she betrayed her husband and got stuck with her child, she tried to get remarried. However, that union was also a failure….she turned the man gay. Ever since that, she never remarried and she's been a heartless old wench ever since!
[Easily offended, Frederick runs out of the bar, sobbing. He leaves his coat.]
Frederick: (sobbing) HEY! SHUT UP! THAT'S MY MAMA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I'M TELLING MOMMY! I'M TELLING—
[Frederick goes back in and retrieves his coat.]
Frederick: (sobbing) GO TO HELL! I'M TELLING! I'M TELLING-
[After a moment of awkward silence, Carla chimes in.]
Carla: I take that back, Tex! Freddie's the wuss!
[Later that night, the Cheers patrons are kind of turned off from the Game. However, Nathan is glued to the TV.]
Nathan: Is this it? Is this happening?! Someone pinch me! Pinch me, dammit!
[Carla pinches Nathan's butt, catching him off-guard as he yelps out of his seat.]
Nathan: YAAAHH! What the Hell-!? Damn, Grandma!
Carla: (laughing) Now, now, sonny….watch your mouth! Don't make me wash it out!
[Carla returns to her orders as Nathan calms down back into his seat.]
Nathan: Yep….I'm having nightmares tonight.
[Mackie goes to Nathan with a new cocktail for him.]
Mackie: Double Rum and Pop.
Nathan: Thanks, Mackie. Um, hey. Wait a minute. Something's been bugging me for a while.
Mackie: Yeah, it's been bugging me, too. You want to know why I kissed you tonight.
Nathan: Five times!
Mackie: Yeah, five times. Look, I don't want you to think of me as some cheap slut of a barmaid who hits on every guy who comes into this bar. Seriously, I just got the job today, and I….oh, man. I don't know how to describe it. The moment I heard your stories about the storm, your family, the way you stand up for yourself fearlessly, and your long Texas drawl when you speak, I-I guess I just couldn't help myself. You're a very cute man, Nathan.
Nathan: Oh….wow! Thanks, Mackie. Never thought you'd fall for a guy at first sight, did you?
Mackie: No, never happened before. What about you?
Nathan: Me? Oh, well uh…well, you're very cute, Mackie. Even a blind guy could see that.
Cliff: Wha-? What's that?
Nathan: Yeah, I did find your kissing me pretty forward. Some spineless guys would take off and run, but I've been watching you the rest of the night.
[While Nathan is talking intently to Mackie, we hear a bat crack from the TV, followed by Joe Buck making the final call of the game. Nathan and Mackie are oblivious, but the Patrons react with a gentle, modest hand clap and then go to their normal routine.]
Joe Buck: Here's a groundball, right side. This should do it. THE HOUSTON ASTROS ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FRANCHISE HISTORY!
Sam: That's it! Ball game! Congrats to the Astros! They earned it!
Woody: There we go. Another first for another team. Way to go, Houston.
Norm: That's the game. Astros win. I think Houston needed something to cheer for. See you next season.
Carla: Game over…we lost to the World Champs. Way to go, Astros.
Cliff: That's it. Another drought is over. Houston finally won it all.
Nathan: Hang on. Before I go any further, you should know that I'm not one of those guys who just loves 'em and leaves 'em.
Mackie: Yeah, you're not Sam.
Nathan: What? Oh, well. Anyway, I am an old-school kind of guy. One woman to spend eternity with…to the grave and, God willing, beyond the grave. So, if you like a guy holding the door open for you, if you like hearing the words "Thank you" and "You're welcome" all the time, and if you like to be addressed as "little missy" until you get married, then I guess we can try this out.
Mackie: Do you mind a girl who's fused to her hormones closer than most other girls?
Nathan: What? What do you mean?
Mackie: My hormones are going crazy right now!
[Mackie leaps to Nathan and embraces him in a passionate kiss. Sam notices this.]
Sam: Hey, Nate! You team won!
[Nathan breaks his kiss from Mackie and jumps up in shock, but Mackie has not undone her grip on Nathan's torso as she continues to kiss his neck. Nathan jumps around in elated joy upon hearing the news, accidentally knocking over chairs and tables with drinks on them, but Mackie still doesn't let go.]
Nathan: WHAT!? WHAT'S THA-!? YEEEEEEEEEEEESSS! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS! YEEEEEEEEEESSS! HELL YES! OH, HELL YES!
[Nathan passionately kisses Mackie in celebration.]
Nathan: YEEEESS! ASTROS WIN! FINALLY! WE'RE WORLD CHAMPIONS! YEAH!
Mackie: I think we should celebrate!
Nathan: Hell yeah! Let's go!
[Nathan runs out the door from Cheers, Mackie is still attached to him.]
Nathan: YEEEEEAAHH! WE'RE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS!
[The bar is relatively quiet.]
Carla: He left his hat.
[Nathan quickly opens the door, grabs his hat and his coat. Mackie is still attached to him.]
Nathan: Thanks for letting us watch that game, y'all! Take care!
[Nathan slams the door, lets out a yell as he and Mackie run off.]
Nathan: YEEEEEEEEE-HAW!
Mackie: YEEEEEEEE-HAW!
[Carla doesn't like the new situation at all.]
Carla: Sam, when will you ever hire a waitress that sticks?
Woody: That is a good question. I mean, no one has stuck around as much as Diane did, and even so….
[As soon as Woody uttered the word, "Diane", Carla dropped everything and leaped over the bar and attacked Woody, sending him to the ground. Everyone else clears away swiftly from the oblivion. From behind the bar, we hear Woody being strangled as Carla screams in pure rage.]
Carla: YOU SPOKE HER NAME! DIE, YOU IDIOT! DIE! YOU SPOKE HER NAME!
Woody: (strangled) UUUGHH….AAACK…..(gasp)…..H-H-HELP! HELP! HELP ME!
[Suddenly, an irate Lilith Sternin, in her late 50's, storms into the bar, and SLAMS the door, shattering the door glass. Carla, hearing the commotion, pops up from behind the bar and sees Lilith.]
Carla: (smiles) HEY, Doc! Long time, no-
Lilith: SAM!? WHERE IS HE!? WHERE IS SAM!?
[Sam slowly creeps around the corner from the pool room hall.]
Sam: Uh….I'm….I'm right here. How can….oh, hey Lilith! Gosh, it's been a whi-
Lilith: SAM MALONE, YOU LET A STRANGER FROM A FOREIGN STATE ENTER YOUR BAR AND LET HIM INSULT ME AND HURT MY FREDERICK! HE'S STILL AT HOME CRYING IN HIS BED! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU INTERVENE TO STOP THAT TEXAS TERRORIST?!
Carla: Pfft…if only you didn't raise a baby.
Sam: Shut up, Carla! Listen, Lilith. I run a bar, not a babysitting service. It's not my fault that Nathan came in….
Lilith: Nathan? That's his name? The one who insulted me?
Carla: Well, technically, Freddie started, Nathan pushed back, and then Mackie really let him have it.
Lilith: Mackie? That's athletic bitch that Frederick dated?!
Carla: The same…
[Lilith, in rage, storms towards the door, but stops short of the door to look at Sam.]
Lilith: DAMN HER! I'M GOING TO FIND HER AND GIVE HER HELL! Oh, before I forget….SAM, when was the last time you talked to Frasier?!
Sam: Not sure…it's been years.
Lilith: Call him. Ever since he moved to Chicago, he's been wanting a companion.
[Lilith SLAMS the door, shattering the bar glass windows, leaving everyone in awe as she stomps up the steps.]
Carla: Whoa. I knew it! Frasier's gay!
[END CREDITS]
THE END
CHEERS: The Lone Star Visitor