When Luke woke up the following morning Noah was gone. He had looked forward to cuddling the morning away and so, disappointed, he rose to take a shower.
Moments later he searched for Noah in the kitchen but found it empty. He was just about to try the parlour when he spotted the top of Noah's head through the kitchen window. He was sitting in the conservatory, a far away look in his eyes. He didn't even seem to notice Luke as he took a seat next to him… he just kept staring out towards the pond.
"Noah?" Luke said in a singsong voice, using his index finger to push a curl back from Noah's forehead.
Noah jumped slightly, startling Luke, and a strange expression passed quickly over his features before being replaced by a half hearted smile.
"You okay? I missed you this morning… Why are you up so early?" And he reached out to put his arm around Noah's shoulders.
Immediately Noah stood up. He looked around as though lost… as though not sure of what he should be doing, and then, grabbing his coat from the stool beside him, said "Yes. I'm fine. I'm just going to go for a walk, okay?"
"Okay." Luke said confused, not enjoying his sudden inability to read him. "I'll come with you…" And he made a move to get up.
"No!" Noah answered too quickly and there was an awkward silence. "I mean… sorry… Would you mind if I went on my own? I just need a moment… Okay?"
All this time Noah hadn't once looked at him.
"Okay…" Luke replied uncertainly, all the while sure that things were anything but. He sat back down, his insides slowing tying themselves into tight knots as he watched Noah walk off towards the barn. He knew this feeling… oh yes… he knew this feeling all to well!
During the course of the morning Luke couldn't count the number of times he walked to the door, waiting to see Noah's form returning up the hill. The rest of the Snyder's started to rise, Emma cooked breakfast, games were being played and still… no sign of Noah.
"I'm sure he's fine, son." Holden said placing a hand on Luke's back. "It can be a little overwhelming you know? All this lot!"
"Dad… you have no idea how much I hope that's all it is…"
Holden sighed and patted the hand on Luke's back before returning indoors.
...
It was lunchtime before Noah finally returned to the house, taking his coat off and placing it over a chair as though nothing was wrong. Luke had just put his boots on to go and look for him.
"Noah! I've been worried sick! Where have you been?"
"Sorry… I guess I lost track of time."
"You lost track of time?" Luke asked exasperated, "Noah! You've been gone all morning!"
"Sorry Luke… I didn't mean to worry you, okay?"
Luke didn't want the rest of the day to be ruined so he made the decision to let it go. They only had a few precious days together before Noah returned to LA and he didn't want them to spend the time arguing. "Okay. I was worried, that's all. It's fine. Actually I was just headed into the parlour, do you want to come?"
Another strange glance, almost like a frown, crossed Noah's features and he looked around as though in panic, before saying, "I promised Natalie I'd help her paint, so…"
"Okay! THAT'S IT!" And various Snyder's raised their heads at the level of his voice. He didn't care! He grabbed Noah by his wrist and dragged him coatless out the door, through the snow, and down the hill where they could talk in private.
"Luke! Luke!" And when they finally halted by the side of the barn Noah yelled, "What are you doing? It's freezing!" He shook his arm free from Luke's grasp, "I'm going back inside!" And he turned to leave.
"Noah STOP! Please! Think about what you're doing!"
The Noah that loved Luke from the bottom of his being… that needed him… that burned for him… THAT Noah couldn't help but stop when he heard the anguished tone of Luke's voice, but as he slowly turned it was the old Noah that couldn't look up. His eyes were fixed to the frozen ground and his breathing was suddenly very shallow.
"What is it? Luke asked, tears rising up in his eyes. "Why can't you look at me? Why are you running?"
Noah tried to stop himself… he didn't want to cause Luke pain and he knew how Luke would take it… but he took an involuntary step backwards.
"Dammit Noah! Don't you dare do this to me again! You hear me? Don't you fucking dare!"
It was silent as Noah froze. Luke had never spoken to him that way before.
Luke tried not to let the old feelings from their past overwhelm him, but he could sense them banging at the door, demanding admittance. The old Luke would have let them in. But he wasn't that same person anymore and there was no way in hell he and Noah were going down this path again. Not if he had any say in it! Somehow he would get through to him and he wouldn't stop trying until he did.
"Please, Noah…"
"I can't…" still the jagged breaths on the edge of crying, the deep frustration…
"Why?" Another pause until Luke couldn't contain it anymore and he yelled, "WHY?"
"BECAUSE I'M SCARED!" And he shouted the words, making Luke jump. For the first time Noah looked up at him and Luke could see the desperation in his watery blue depths, "Okay? I'm scared!"
"Of what?" more agonising waiting. "WHAT Noah!"
"I felt like I had to get away…"
"From me?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" And then more quietly as he slowly broke down, shaking his head, "I don't know… I'm sorry… I'm not doing this to hurt you… I don't want to lose you…but… please…" and he stretched his arms out to Luke who could do nothing but walk into them and hold the man he loved close.
His heart was sinking more and more. His mind was running through a million different thoughts at once, but mostly he was thinking, "It's happening again! It's happening again!"
...
Moments later they found themselves in the barn, sitting side by side on a bale of hay with their backs up against the wall. The only sounds come from the horses as they neighed and stomped around the stalls. Luke thought briefly that he should feel cold, but actually all he felt was numb.
"So what now?" Noah asked, interlacing his fingers… releasing… interlacing his fingers…
Luke placed his hand over Noah's to stop the nervous fiddling and tried not to show his hurt as Noah flinched slightly. "Now you talk to me. I know it's hard for you, but if you don't…" He sadly shook his head not even capable of voicing it.
For a dreadful minute Luke thought Noah was going revert to form and refuse, and he almost died with relief when instead Noah said, "Okay… anything... I'll do anything… just…"
Luke sighed deeply and leaned his head sideways so that it rested against Noah's.
"Luke?" Noah's voice was breaking, "Can you just…? Just hold on, okay? Please… I am trying."
"I know." And he squeezed Noah's hand. He waited a few minutes to allow them both time to calm and then he said, "Okay… so… is it the dreams?"
Heads still together, he felt as Noah nodded.
"Do you remember anything? Or are they still a blank?"
"At first there was nothing but now…"
"What is it?" He kept a firm hold of Noah's hand and when he didn't answer he said, "Noah…" and he placed his fingers under Noah's chin to bring his head round to face him, "…stop trying to protect me. Talk to me. As long as you stay here with me, we'll be okay… We can face anything."
Noah nodded again.
"Okay, so what do you see in your dream?"
"I can't say. It's… it's more the way I feel in the dream and the sensation that somebody's there…"
"Your Dad?"
Noah shook his head. "That's just it. I don't think it's related."
"What do you mean?
"Luke, I don't think these dreams have anything to do with my father. At least not anymore…"
"Well what DO you think then?"
"The thing is… I don't think I want to know why I'm having the dreams. I just want them to go away. I just want to be happy with you." And then suddenly with frustration, "Dammit! Why do these things keep happening? Why can we never just be happy?"
Now that he was staring right at him, Noah saw for the first time the anxiety on Luke's face. His heart throbbed as he realised what his behaviour that day must have meant for him. "Shit! I'm so sorry! I'm here okay? I'm staying right here! I promise! I won't shut you out…"
And that made Luke feel a million times better. His Noah was back. And even if his words were sad and ominous THEY would be okay. They would face this problem together and that was the most important thing…
"I love you so much Luke. And this… US… it means more to me than anything! And I won't risk that again, okay?"
"Okay."
Noah held his shoulders and stared deeply into his eyes searching for any signs of doubt as he asked, "You believe me, right?"
"Yes."
And knowing Luke meant it Noah felt a heavy load fall from his shoulders. God! He had almost run away with himself! He had almost risked everything. He pressed a fierce and urgent kiss of pure and desperate passion on Luke's mouth, his arms frantically grabbing around him, holding him tightly… reclaiming him. His fingers found the pulsebeat in Luke's throat, hammering like his own, making him dizzy.
Drinking in the warm feeling of comfort, his hands went to Luke's shoulders and he held him slightly away, so that Luke was looking upwards into his face, "I want you, Luke." He said, sounding choked. He paused a moment, unsure what to say next. "I want you so much… I can hardly breathe. Will…" He swallowed then cleared his throat, "Will you…"
But the answer was already in Luke's eyes as they radiated the same need Noah felt deep within himself. Standing up Luke pulled him quickly into the first empty stall they could find, banging the wooden gate closed and pinning him back against it.
"I think…" Luke began as he fumbled loose the buckle of Noah's belt, looking up at him, pausing for an instant. He spoke with difficulty, controlling something so powerful that his hands shook with the effort, "I'll not… I can't… Noah, I can't be gentle."
Noah only had time to nod before their jeans were around their ankles and Luke was piercing and pounding at him. Noah, gasping and groaning, reached his hand up to hold onto the top of the stall door, while the other encouraged each powerful movement by pressing on the small of Luke's back, gripping him tighter and tighter.
This was not love making… this was a pure need to possess… to own… to hold onto…a reaffirmation. The stubbornness they both possessed in spades. That same stubbornness that had forced them apart over and over again; was now the glue holding them together. They would not fail! They refused to fail! They refused to be parted ever again… Together they held a middle finger up to fate.
Noah pulled against his grip and sucked in his breath with a faint "ah" as Luke pressed even deeper, pausing for just a second. Then quickly the movement went on, disregarding, on and on for minutes and as they both reached the precipice, seconds from toppling they heard a voice call, "Luke? Noah? Lunch!"
"Sh…" quivering Luke froze, covering his hand over Noah's mouth to silence his groans and pressing his own forehead firm into Noah's shirt to fight back the sounds that wanted to erupt from his own lips. Noah's short breaths were hot and heavy against the palm of his hand.
"Are you guys even in here?" They remained frozen, desperately fighting the natural urges bursting through them, threatening to give them away at any moment.
Finally, they heard Faith's crunching footsteps fading and there was no need for any further movement, they groaned and grunted into each other as they both released and rocked together.
...
The sun was just about to set when Holden entered the conservatory carrying two mugs, "Mama made hot chocolate." And he lifted one of the mugs towards Noah as an invitation for him to take one.
"Thanks." Noah smiled, gratefully cupping the warm mug between his cold fingers as he continued sitting on the bench watching the last of the suns rays disappear behind the pond.
"She's a wonderful woman!"
"Yes… yes… she is."
"Can I join you?" He asked indicating the space next to Noah.
"Please."
"Luke's bathing Ethan again I suppose?"
"Yes, Ethan seems to like that."
"I didn't really thank you properly you know… for what you did at Thanksgiving…"
"It was nothing."
"Now Noah! I'm sure you know how untrue that is!" And he patted Noah a few times on his back before sighing with deep satisfaction. "It's so great to have you back home, son!"
And Noah really had to fight back the tears at those words. Ever since that terrible day, that awful moment when he first realised he had lost Luke to Reid, it had become more and more difficult to rain in his emotions. Those feelings that he had once been an expert at burying deep inside, now simply refused to stay there and he would find himself crying as the smallest of things.
They sat in silence for a while. Finally Holden spoke again, "You know Luke? He's a lousy listener! Always has been! He hears but he doesn't often listen, you know?"
Noah looked over at him with interest.
"And words! Boy but that kid can talk for the woods!"
Noah couldn't help but let out a small laugh at that.
"And he's been known to let those words run away with him… I mean he doesn't always think before he speaks. He's yet to learn that sometimes, the best thing to do or say in a situation, is absolutely nothing!"
"I know." And then after a while Noah asked, "Holden? Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I want you to know that you shouldn't be afraid."
"Afraid?"
"Don't be afraid to make mistakes, Noah. You only end up paralyzing yourself because you don't want to screw up. You know? So instead you do nothing. And what does that solve? But if you allow yourself to make those mistake? You can learn from them. And yes… it can often be painful but… you know the saying… no pain, no gain. Do you get what I mean?"
"Yes. You're basically telling me not to let your son walk all over me!"
"Basically!" And they both laughed together before he said, "You two are made for each other… you'll work it out. Just… when you talk to him? Make sure he's listening, Okay? You both know what it means to lose each other."
"Thanks Holden." And Noah marvelled once again at the man so unlike his own father.
"You're welcome."
...
"Give it!" Luke giggled as he wrestled with Noah on the floor, trying to pry the remote control from his fingers. Ethan roared with laughter at the sight of them and then joined in to help his brother by grabbing the remote off Noah.
"Thanks for the support, kid!" Noah said to the smug boy who stood a metre from him, holding the prized remote in his little paws.
"Na, na!" The kid shouted before running off towards the kitchen.
"Great!" said Noah, "Now we can't watch either of the movies!" And he pulled himself up off the floor to sit more comfortably on the sofa.
Luke's stomach hurt from all the laughter as he said, "Fantastic! If I have to sit through one more of those crazy zombie movies you like so much I think I'll have to…" and he mimed hanging himself by cocking his head with his tongue hanging out and holding up the imaginary piece of rope.
"Anything's better then The Notebook… Jeez! Don't get me started on all the faults with that movie!"
"Don't you dare! It's perfect!"
"Well," replied Noah, "since we can't watch a film maybe I can give you your Christmas present?"
Luke's head zapped around, "You already gave me my Christmas present…"
"Oh… I gave you a present… but it wasn't your CHRISTMAS present!"
"Oooh! Give me, give me, give me! And Luke hopped up onto the sofa next to Noah like an excited puppy.
Smiling out the corner of his mouth Noah took a small golden box out of his pocket. He held it out to Luke and Luke went for it, only to have Noah snatch it quickly out of his reach, "And what do we say?"
"Pleeeaase!" He said, mimicking the way Ethan would ask for something.
"Good boy!" Noah replied and handed Luke the box. Luke eagerly removed the ribbon and opened the lid to be presented with a keyring The keyring was a tiny silver necktie and it held several different silver keys. "Okay… You got me! What is it?"
"It's your copy."
Luke lifted one eyebrow.
"It's your key to our new house."
"House?" Luke asked, not sure whether he heard right...
"Yip! It's about five miles from the beach; it has three bedrooms, two bathrooms, one ensuite, a huge kitchen, and a garage…"
Luke's eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head.
"And it's all ours…"
There was a moment of quiet as Luke was struck by the incredible commitment Noah was making for him, for them. Tears started to fall and Noah became concerned. "Luke? I know I've got all these issues… and… and we need to work through them. Oh god! It's the wrong time, isn't it? I blew it? Luke? Did I do the wrong thing?"
Luke took so long to answer that Noah began to regret his decision but then, "No… no Noah… You did exactly the right thing. It's the most incredible present I've ever had and god… I'm so in love with you Noah! I love you so much! And I want nothing more than to have a future with you…"
Noah breathed deeply with relief, revelling in the sunshine radiating from his smile, "Same here."