Ablaze

by awalkerlifeforme

Aspen Antaeus has escaped the Hunger Games twice. She has become the face of the rebellion against the Capitol. But there is one thing stopping her from assuming her role as the Mockingjay. Her husband, Cato Hadley, was left in the arena to die. But when Aspen is given proof that he lives on, she joins the fight. And she will not stop. Not until every inch of the Capitol is ablaze.

13. Chapter 13

Today I might lose both of them. The thought repeated itself at least twenty times as I stared at Haymitch. I might lose both of them. What would happen if I lost both of them? How would I ever be able to manage myself without them? My heart was pounding in my chest as I continued staring at Haymitch, waiting for him to tell me that he was just messing with me. But he wasn't. They were really going after Cato. Gale was. And I might end up losing them both.

For a little while I went into a state of deadened panic. My heart was beating erratically but I couldn't bring myself to get the hell out of the bed. Cato... Gale... Both of them, dead. All because of me. What would happen if one or both of them didn't make it out? What if the Capitol found out about the rescue and killed Cato before they could get to him? What if Gale was shot on their way in? My breathing shortened slightly. They both might die today.

There were so many things that could go wrong on a mission to the Capitol. Little things and big things. Things that would change everything for me. I couldn't even count the numerous things that could go wrong on what was sure to be one of the most dangerous missions that they would ever attempt. What if one of them died on the journey to the Capitol? I couldn't even imagine a life where Cato or Gale might be dead, as much as I did fight with them.

Terrified of what hadn't happened yet, but I was sure would, I tried to imagine a world where both Gale's and Cato's voices had ceased. Hands stilled. Eyes unblinking. I was standing over their bodies, having a last look, leaving the room where they laid. Trying to tell myself that the future could still exist without them. But when I opened the door to step out into the world, there was only a tremendous void. A pale gray nothingness that was all my future held.

That was what would happen to me if one or both of them died. Having either one of them die would also kill me. My life would never be the same without either one of them. It couldn't be. It would be like me, myself, had died. Losing either one of them would destroy me, just the way that Snow wanted. My best friend and the love of my life. Both of them - gone. I couldn't imagine it. I stared blankly at Haymitch, who looked just about as concerned as I was.

"Do you want me to have them sedate you until it's over?" Haymitch asked.

He wasn't joking. This was a man who spent his adult life at the bottom of a bottle, trying to anesthetize himself against the Capitol's crimes. The sixteen-year-old boy who won the second Quarter Quell must have had people he loved - family, friends, a sweetheart maybe - that he fought to get back to. Where were they now? Dead; Finnick had told me that. How was it that until Peeta and I were thrust upon him, and later Cato, there was no one at all in his life? What exactly did Snow do to them?

"No. I want to go to the Capitol. I want to be part of the rescue mission," I said determinedly.

"They're gone," Haymitch said.

It was like a punch to the gut. "How long ago did they leave? I could catch up. I could -"

My voice broke off as I tried to figure out what I could possibly do. There was nothing that I could think of. Go to the Capitol and risk them killing me too? Risk the Mockingjay's life. Coin would love that. There was no way that anyone would let me go. I could have possibly snuck onto the hovercraft that would go into the Capitol, but it was already gone. It was too late. The thoughts raced through my head. What? What could I do? Haymitch shook his head.

"It'll never happen," he said.

"I have to -"

"You're too valuable and too vulnerable," Haymitch interrupted. Of course, exactly what I had been expecting. "There was talk of sending you to another District to divert the Capitol's attention while the rescue takes place. But no one felt you could handle it."

"Please, Haymitch!" I was begging now. "I have to do something. I can't just sit here waiting to hear if they died. There must be something I can do!" I shouted hysterically.

Haymitch and I stared at each other for a few moments. "All right. Let me talk to Plutarch," Haymitch finally said. "You stay put."

"No," I gasped, grabbing for his arms. "Haymitch, please, let me go."

"Aspen, just wait," Haymitch said comfortingly.

"I can't! I've been waiting here for weeks!" I screamed.

"One more day won't kill you," Haymitch said.

"Haymitch!"

"All right!" Haymitch finally yelled, fed up with me. He pressed a hand on my shoulder and shoved me back into the bed. "Relax. Sit here and let me see what I can do about having you meet them halfway, at least. Maybe have you on the plane or waiting nearby."

I guessed that would be better than nothing. "Do something, anything, please," I begged.

"Okay. Wait here," Haymitch ordered.

He got back to his feet and walked off. My heart was pounding erratically as I placed my hands on my knees and tucked my head down into them. What could I do? Not just sit here and wait. I had been sitting here and waiting for a month and a half. I had sat here on my ass for way too long. I couldn't just keep doing that. If they were going to get him - which would likely be a near deadly mission - I had to be there. This was one thing that they couldn't keep me out of.

Mine had to be the first familiar face that Cato saw. I wanted mine to be the only one that he saw. Would he even trust the rest of them? What if he was panicked? What if he thought that the entire thing was a lie? What if he thought that it was just his imagination or something that the Capitol came up with? If I was there, I could drag him out with us. Not that the others couldn't - as they would likely be stronger than me - but... What? I had no good reason to be there.

Other than the fact that I just had to be there. I couldn't wait to hear what was happening. Tears were starting to build in my eyes as I thought about what was to come. I had to be there. I had to be the one to save them. The both of them. I couldn't lose them both. I had to be with them, no matter what was about to happen. As the tears threatened to spill over the edge of my lashes, I sniffed softly. There was only one person who would help me right now. Not Haymitch. Someone else.

No more sitting here on my ass. I couldn't. Haymitch's footsteps were still echoing in the outer hall when I practically fell from my bed and fumbled my way through the slit in the dividing curtain. Right there I found Finnick sprawled out on his stomach, his hands twisted in his pillowcase. Although it was cowardly - cruel even - to rouse him from the shadowy, muted drug land to stark reality, I went ahead and did it because I couldn't stand to face this by myself.

It wasn't fair. I knew that. He could have been out until the entire thing was over. He could have gotten the chance to not know what was happening until we had the answer. Whether they were all on their way back or if they were dead. Finnick was very woozy when I first woke him up and he looked very angry that I had bothered bringing him back to the harsh reality of our situation here. But I quickly interrupted him and went straight into the heart of my explanation.

Just like me with Haymitch earlier, Finnick didn't seem to believe my words at first. Either he didn't believe them or he didn't understand them. It took at least three tries to get it through his head. Then he finally began smiling. I couldn't understand what he was smiling about though. This was one of the biggest nightmares that either one of us could have ever experienced. But even as I explained our situation, his initial agitation mysteriously ebbed away.

"Don't you see, Aspen, this will decide things. One way or the other," Finnick said happily.

"Finnick... don't you get it?" I asked, trying not to upset him but also trying to get him to understand the gravity of the situation. "What if -?"

"What if nothing, Aspen," Finnick interrupted. "We're going to get our answer."

"And if it's one that I can't handle?" I asked.

Finnick stared at me for a few moments. "It'll be an answer either way. By the end of the day, they'll either be dead or with us. It's... it's more than we could hope for!" Finnick gasped.

Well, that's a sunny view of our situation. What would that even be like? To finally have my answer? At the end of the day, there would be an end to all of this. Cato would either be back in my life for good - where I would never let him go - or he would be dead. An absolutely terrible ending to all of this... but it was an ending, nonetheless. Despite my horror at Cato possibly being dead, there was something calming about the idea that the torment could come to an end.

But if there was a chance that I might be able to stop his death, I had to try. "I'll be back," I said suddenly, jumping up from Finnick's bed and practically collapsing to the floor.

"Where are you going?" Finnick asked.

"To find Seneca," I said.

"Aspen -"

"I'll be right back."

Before Finnick could say anything else, I turned on my heel and sprinted from the room. I was a little woozy and nearly collapsed down a few flights of stairs as I ran, but nothing was going to stop me. I needed to find Seneca. He was the one person who had always sworn to do what he could to help me and get Cato back, no matter what the cost was. But first thing was first. I had to find him. Maybe in the War Room. Maybe in Command. Damn it. I wasn't sure.

It really didn't help that my head was still a little bit heavy from the sedative that they had given me after I had gone off the rails upon seeing the flowers. That was scrambling my thoughts. I didn't even know where Seneca was anyways. But I had to find him and get him to do... something... for me. I had to do something. Sitting here for hours, all day long, potentially even longer, would be far too painful. In fact, it would be excruciating.

Forcing myself to keep upright and not collapse over the edge of the railings as I darted down the stairs, I dashed in and out through the hallways, searching for Seneca the entire time. Haymitch would likely be furious with me for vanishing when he was trying to help me. But I was used to him being angry with me. Besides, I really had to find Seneca. He would be able to help me. He would be able to send me to the Capitol to help with the rescue mission.

Finally, as I rounded the corner to head up to Command, I rammed right into Seneca, who was nearly thrown off of his feet. "Seneca!" I gasped, grabbing onto his arms. "Please -"

"Haymitch told you already, then?" Seneca interrupted.

"Please, help me," I begged.

Seneca wrapped his arms tighter around me, to keep me in my place or from falling, I wasn't quite sure. "Aspen, it's going to be alright. It'll be over soon enough. You'll have your answer," Seneca said softly.

"I need to go with them," I said.

Seneca shook his head slowly. "No, I can't do that."

"Seneca!"

He was supposed to help me. He had promised me that he would always help me when it came to Cato. "Aspen, trust me, I'm trying to help you here. It's not safe to have you in the Capitol."

"I can't just sit here and wait for it to be over! I can't sit here and wait to hear whether they died or not!" I shouted.

Seneca wrapped an arm around my wrist and pulled me off to the side. A number of people were staring at me with something that ranged from pity to confusion. "We have contact with them. We will through the entire thing," Seneca explained, as if that made up for me not getting to be there. "I'll be able to tell you what's going on. Where they are and when they're on their way back."

"Just let me go on the mission with them!" I yelled.

"No, Aspen. If something happens... if the hovercraft is downed... we can't risk having you on it," Seneca said softly.

Obviously he was trying to balance that something could happen and that something wouldn't. "Please -"

"Aspen, the last thing that I want is to hurt you. The last thing that I want is to tell you no. But I have to do it this time," Seneca said. A soft sob escaped my mouth. "You are too valuable and this mission needs to be clinical. No emotional attachments. They had a hard enough time sending Dean and Skye."

So his brother and best friend was allowed to go, but for some reason, I wasn't. "Why do they get to go and I don't?" I asked.

"You know why," Seneca said.

Of course I knew why Dean and Skye were allowed to go. Number one, they both had others to keep their minds occupied. Dean had his daughter and wife. Skye had her friends. They would be heartbroken, but they had the rebellion to think about. Me? I was different. They knew that I would sacrifice a power play for Cato's safe return. And, honestly, who cared about Cato's best friend and brother? Not the Capitol or the rebellion. But they did care about me. They couldn't risk losing me.

"Because they're not as valuable. If they die, it won't matter," I said blankly.

Seneca shook his head as he grasped my hands even tighter. "I'm so sorry, Aspen. I really genuinely am," Seneca said. And I knew that he was. It still didn't change anything. "But they should be back by tonight."

"Seneca -"

"Would you like us to put you under until it's over?" Seneca asked. It was the same thing that Haymitch had offered me. "At least you won't have to sit here and wait."

"No, I can't. I can't go under. I have to know..." I whispered.

"We can give you a muscle relaxer," Seneca suggested. "If nothing else, you should at least be able to calm down."

No... I had to be awake and fully alert for this. "You really can't send me there?" I begged.

Seneca shook his head again. "We can't risk it. Not to mention, when we get Cato back, he'll be furious when he realizes that we allowed you to go to a place where you are a wanted criminal," Seneca explained.

"I don't care what Cato thinks," I snapped. "I just - I... I have to -"

"I know, Aspen. Come here," Seneca whispered.

He knew me well enough to know that I was about to lose it. Seneca put one hand behind my hip and tugged me into him as he used his other hand to push my head into his shoulder. My hands grasped at the fabric on his chest as I began to sob. I just wished that Cato was here. I wished that they were both here and that I didn't have to wait to hear whether or not they were alive. I didn't even get to say goodbye to Gale before he left... We weren't even on speaking terms lately...

What if that little exchange that we had had in the bunker was the last time that we had ever really spoken to each other? What if Cato died during the rescue? Was that kiss before I had walked away from him on the beach really the last time that I had ever seen him? Seneca and I stayed locked together for a few moments until he pushed my chin up with his fingers and gently brushed a few stray tears from my eyes. I tried to fight back the hysteria threatening to rise in me.

"Are you sure that you don't want us to put you under for it?" Seneca asked, pulling back from me.

It probably would have made things easier - in fact, I knew that it would have. But I couldn't just not be around for it. "N - No. You really can't do anything?" I asked pathetically.

"I can promise you that it'll be okay," Seneca said, taking my hands in his own. I pulled back on a slight sob. "They're going to be back here soon. We just wait."

"Where's Cato's family?" I asked.

"Waiting patiently for word," Seneca explained.

"Can you bring me to them?" I asked.

"Yes," Seneca said, motioning him with me. "Come with me."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

The two of us walked together in silence. Seneca's arms were wrapped back around my waist to keep me from falling over. My knees were shaky and weak as they threatened to cave out from under me. People were watching me closely as we walked blankly towards the new barracks. Everyone who was watching must have known what was happening. They must have known that I was waiting on word to hear if my husband and best friend had been killed.

The only thing that I was grateful for was that no one spoke to me. I didn't want to hear anything from them. I didn't want them to talk to me right now. The only thing that I wanted was to have Cato and Gale back, safe and sound. Seneca's arms remained tight over my waist as I fought back tears. They didn't deserve to see me cry. Not after everything that they had done. Just a few more hours and the entire thing would be over. As we made our way towards the barracks, we bumped right into Katniss.

Her eyes were as red as mine were. "Cat," I whispered.

"It's okay, Aspen. It's okay. They're going to be okay," Katniss said.

The two of us said nothing as we brought each other into a tight hug. Seneca released me and took a step back to allow us to stand with each other. This was one of the many moments that showed that we were sisters. Even as destroyed as we both were, we could put ourselves together just long enough to be brave and try and be strong for each other. Katniss tucked her head into my shoulder as I pressed my face into her hair. It felt like hours had passed before we pulled away.

"Gale," I gasped, "he's -"

"I know. I know," Katniss interrupted, shaking her head. "I tried to go with them, but they refused. I think that they thought that it would be too hard on you, to have both of us go."

At least she was one person that I didn't have to worry about. "What if -?"

"Don't," Katniss interrupted, wiping away some tears that were about to fall. "Don't do that. We're not losing him. You're not losing any of them. You should go see the rest of Cato's family. I think that they're all waiting for you. Everyone wanted to see how long it would take for you to wake up."

"Come with me," I begged.

"Of course," Katniss said, sucking in a breath.

She was as heartbroken to hear about Gale's leaving as I was. "Don't leave," I whispered, clasping onto her hand.

"Never," Katniss promised.

Seneca stepped behind the two of us, placing his hands on the middle of our backs and pushing us along. "Come along," Seneca whispered.

By now there were a number of people who were watching us. But I didn't care. The cracks in me were widening, threatening to finally give way to all of the emotion that I had been fighting to suppress for so long. Seneca quickly dropped his hand from Katniss's back, but he kept his on mine. It was probably good that he did, because I was so sure that I was going to drop to the ground and never be able to get back up. Those cracks were only growing bigger and bigger.

My heart skipped a beat as we bounded down a few of the stairs towards the level where Cato's family were bunking. I could only pray that they didn't blame me. Hopefully they were as happy as they normally were. I couldn't stand any more tears today. The three of us continued walking, myself grasping Katniss's hand to keep her walking, until we finally reached the compartment where Cato's family was holed up. It was the first time that I had been there since the bombing.

We stopped at the door and I stared at them. Were they planning on coming in? "We'll wait outside," Seneca said.

Katniss nodded and stepped back with him. I glanced at her for confirmation and she nodded. "Okay," I said.

Turning towards the door, I knocked gently and waited. Was there a chance that they weren't there? Maybe they were like me. Maybe they were trying to find a place to hide, just like I used to do when we had first arrived in Thirteen. I wouldn't blame them. That would be better than standing here where everyone kept giving us pitiful looks. A few moments passed before I heard some clanking behind the door. It opened to reveal a blurry-eyed Alana.

"Aspen. Sweetheart," she said.

Her voice cracked on each syllable. "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay," I whispered.

How many times had I told someone that it was okay? It was what I told Rue before she died. It was what I told Prim, Katniss, Gale, and Ms. Everdeen before I went into the Games for the first time. It was one of the many things that I said to Peeta before he was taken by the dog muttations during the first Games. I said it to the Morphlings during the Quell. All of the people in the hospital in Eight. It seemed that everyone I said it too ended up either dead or with someone that they loved dead.

Now I was telling it to Alana, whose son I loved more than life itself. Maybe I should have said something else, but I couldn't figure out what it was. It was the only thing that I knew to say right now. As I wrapped Alana in my arms, I pressed my head down into her shoulder, sobbing softly. I could hear that she was also sobbing. Her hands wrapped into my hair and they tightened, almost surprising me at how strong she was. The rest of the family slowly stepped forward from behind us.

As Alana cried into my shoulder, and I cried into hers, I glanced back at the rest of the family. Aidan was in the front and I gave him as much of a smile as I could. His eyes were glistening with tears. He had definitely been crying lately. Carrie's eyes were bright red as she cradled a crying Marley to her chest. Of course... her husband was in just as much danger as mine was. I knew exactly how she felt. Damien still looked strong, but even I could see the softness in his eyes.

Julie was staring down at her lap. Her best friend and old crush were in the Capitol. Yes, I knew how she felt too. Once I finally released Alana, I was shocked that Aidan came sprinting up to me. Tears began flooding his cheeks as he pressed his head down into my stomach. Damien wrapped an arm around Alana's shoulder as she cried into his shoulder. I kneeled down onto my knees and wrapped my arms around Aidan's small waist, burying my head in his dark hair.

The entire family watched the two of us remain locked in a hug for a while. I wasn't sure how long passed; I only knew that I wasn't going to let go of him. I had let go of Cato and it had destroyed everything. I wasn't letting go of his brother. A long time must have passed, because eventually Damien placed a hand on Aidan's shoulder and pulled him off of me. Julie gave me a hand to get off of my knees and finally face the rest of the family. There was a briefly tense silence.

"We're glad to see you," Damien said, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah," I said, trying to suck in a full breath. "I am too."

Aidan walked back up to me as I wrapped an arm over his shoulder. "He's gonna be okay, Aspen. He'll be here tonight," Aidan said confidently.

I wiped a few tears from my eyes, nodding at him. "I know. How - How are you all?" I asked.

Probably just about as well as I was doing with everything. Alana gave a soft nod, staring at me. "We're doing alright. Honestly, we're just glad that it's finally over," Alana said.

It was all over? It felt like this torture was never going to be over. It felt like Cato's predicament was always going to keep me from putting myself back together again. What was it that Finnick had said? It takes ten times as long to put yourself together again as it does to fall apart. I had fallen apart so many times already. Now I had to put myself back together. And there was only one way to do that. Getting Cato and Gale back. What came after would work itself out in the future.

"They're going to get him and tonight we'll know, one way or another," Alana breathed.

"Finnick said the same thing," I explained. "I just - I just wanted to check on you."

"They're coming back. They are," Carrie said, her voice barely audible.

"They are," I repeated, grasping her hands.

At the same time, Alana darted over and pulled Carrie into a hug. "They're all going to be okay. They said that they're going to be back by tonight, as long as everything goes well," Damien said, as usual, trying to remain the strong father figure.

If any of us had the potential to be strong right now, it was Damien. "Yes. That's what they told me too," I whispered. I took in a deep breath, preparing to say something that I should have said a long time ago. "I just wanted to say something. I'm so sorry, about all of this. If Cato had never met me or if he would have just killed me during the first Games, none of this would have happened. You would still have him. You wouldn't have to be waiting to see if he was alive or not."

I was about to go on about how much pain I had caused when Julie stepped in. "Stop it, Aspen," she snapped.

"She's right. You have to stop blaming yourself. The past can't be changed," Carrie added.

"You know something..." Julie breathed, walking up to me. "None of us liked you when we first heard about you. Especially not when we realized that Cato cared for you. But it changed pretty damn quickly. The moment that we realized that you genuinely loved him and vice versa. Cato is absolutely in love with you and he would take every beating, every accident, if it meant that he got to know you. You are something that he's never known before. True love."

"But -" I started.

"But nothing, Aspen," Damien interrupted harshly, but not entirely unkindly. "Cato is coming back here tonight. Dean and Skye are coming back here tonight. We are all going to be back together again. The fight will be over soon enough. Then we'll all be able to move on. Who knows? Maybe you two will finally get to build that life together that you always deserved."

The life that the two of us deserved. What kind of life was that? One without the Hunger Games. One where I didn't have to be afraid, where no one had to be afraid, of what might happen if their name was pulled from the Reaping Ball. A life where the two of us didn't have to worry about starving to death. No more acting our parts. The cruel Career. The ice-cold Girl on Fire. We could be a married couple who loved each other more than anything. And who knew? Maybe even a real family one day.

"This shouldn't have happened," I breathed.

The rest of the family shook their heads in agreement. "No. It shouldn't have. But it did. And we're making the best of it," Alana said, trying to force a smile. "He's going to be back tonight."

Maybe if we said that enough times, it would be true. "Will you be around?" I asked.

"We'll be up in Command soon enough, waiting for news," Alana said.

"Me too," I said.

"Do you want them to -?"

"Knock me out until this is over?" I interrupted Julie. She smiled guiltily. Did people really think that I was that weak? Maybe I was. "They keep offering me that, but I keep refusing. I don't want to be asleep. I want to know, and if something happens... I don't know. I don't want to pretend that things are okay. I just - I don't know."

Honestly I wasn't sure what I wanted. I didn't want to be sedated for the entire thing. I didn't really have a good reason. I just didn't want to have to wake up to the news that I had lost both of them. Not that I wanted to be awake either. Having to hear each clock in Thirteen ticking away the minutes. Maybe the last few of their lives. Nothing was a good choice. But at least if I was awake, I would know the second that we had news.

"You need to know. We understand. Trust me, we understand," Carrie said.

If there was one person who knew exactly how I felt, or at least close to it, it was Carrie. "Dean is going to be okay," I told her before turning to Julie. "So will Skye."

"And so will Cato," Aidan said.

"So will Cato," I repeated. I had to leave before I burst into tears. "I'll be back soon."

Being here with them right now was too painful. They all reminded me of him. They reminded me of what I stood to lose tonight. "We'll all be up in Command soon. We expect that they're going to want you there for something to distract the Capitol with," Damien said in his usually cool manner.

"Okay," I said.

Before I got the chance to leave, Alana reached out and grabbed onto my arm. "Try not to focus on it. Try to think of something else," she advised.

"Yeah. Let me know how that works out for you," I said.

The entire family smiled slightly, probably something that we all needed desperately. Just a few more hours, Aspen," Damien said.

His hand wrapped over my shoulder as he stared down into my eyes, finally showing me just a hint of emotion. Just the way that Cato had done before we had fallen completely in love. What was it that Damien had once said to me? That even though he was hard on his kids, he loved them and never wanted anything bad to happen to them. How he could even tolerate me was beyond me, considering everything that I had done to them. Of course, I supposed that I was also now one of them.

"A few more," Damien breathed.

"A few more," I repeated.

This time it was Carrie that stopped me from leaving. "Before you go..." I stopped in my tracks and turned back to her. "Cato gave me this before the Quell. He passed it to me before the Interviews that night. He said to give it to you when the time was right. I wasn't sure when the time was right until now. I think that it's the right time."

She handed me a folded up piece of paper. "Thank you," I said, taking it and tucking it into my pocket. "Have you read it?"

Carrie shook her head. "No. It was only ever meant for you."

"Thanks."

It was almost impossible to resist the temptation to open the letter. The time still didn't feel right. Maybe it would soon, but it wasn't yet. Maybe it would be the right time when Cato finally died. I wasn't sure. But it wasn't right now. So I made sure to secure it in my pocket before giving the family a gentle smile. When it came down to it, they had just as much up to lose tonight as I did. If they were holding it together, I would too.

Before I left the compartment, I stopped to hug each member of the family. Aidan had the hardest time letting go. The two of us were definitely on the same page since I had saved him from being locked out of the bunker. I sniffled gently in his shoulder as I let go of him. Looking at him, I saw Cato, who I wanted back so desperately. We would all be so much happier once it was over. I could finally be the real Mockingjay. I would be able to stand against Snow without worrying about what happened to Cato.

As I released Aidan, I stepped back out of the compartment. Katniss and Seneca were leaning up against the wall chatting softly, but they straightened up the moment that I walked out. They looked extremely concerned over the fact that I had obviously just been crying. The two of them darted over to where I was, looking like they were having a hard time not giving me a hug. Seneca was the first to figure out what to say.

"Is everything okay?" he asked carefully.

It was a stupid question, but a warranted one. "Yes," I said numbly. "I'll go back to the hospital now."

As we walked, Seneca turned to us. "I'm needed up in Command. I'll see you in just a little bit though," he said.

"Okay," I mumbled.

Katniss nodded her consent. Once Seneca walked off, she placed her hand behind my back. "Come on," she said.

All I wanted to do was stop and go back to Seneca, beg him to help me, but I knew that he wouldn't. Not right now. He cared for both the rebellion and me, which meant that he wasn't going to dare risk my life. Partially because of the rebellion and what it needed and partially because he really didn't want to see me get hurt. I walked alongside Katniss as the two of us headed back to the hospital and back to Finnick. When we walked into his room I saw that he was still playing with his rope.

As we seated ourselves on his bed, he continued playing. But his hands were still shaking. It was obvious that we were all panicked over what was happening. The one thing that we didn't have any control over. We weren't a part of this plan and we weren't ever going to be a part of it. For the first time in a long time, I would have no role to play. I was nothing more than a passenger, doomed to watch the train either go up in flames or finally arrive at its destination.

A few minutes passed before Finnick finally seemed to officially realize that I was back. "What did you see?" Finnick asked.

"Cato's family and Seneca. I just - I had to talk to them," I stuttered.

"How are they?" Finnick asked.

Just the slightest bit better than I am. "They're fine. At least, they're okay. Seneca has been waiting and he's making sure that everything's okay. He's watching over them," I said. Finnick nodded blankly. "Cato's family, I think that they're just praying that he's... alive."

"We'll have them back, Aspen," Finnick promised.

His hand laid gently on my knee but I could tell that he didn't completely mean it. He didn't look like he meant it. In fact, he looked like he was debating on going back to bed and trying to wait it out. As much as I wanted to open my mouth and confirm that everything would be okay and that we would have them back, I couldn't force the words out of my throat. They were lodged there as I weighed their merit back and forth. I could only pray that they would all be okay.

Not just Cato and Gale. I had to make sure that Skye and Dean and all of the rest of those soldiers came back. I didn't want anyone else to die for me. Besides, they all had families and friends that they wanted to come back to, too. All that was left to do now was hope that there was the slightest chance that they would all make it out of the Capitol alive. The three of us sat in silence for a little while, our hands all clasped together. We all knew how the others felt.

Katniss was missing Gale. Finnick was missing Annie. I was missing Cato, Gale, Dean, and Skye. If they all died... I didn't want to think about it. It felt like years had passed before the curtain finally yanked back and there was Haymitch. I jumped up from the bed and practically sprang over to him. He didn't waste any time or niceties, as usual, telling us that he had a job for us, if we could pull it together. They still needed post-bombing footage of Thirteen.

"If we can get it in the next few hours, Beetee can air it leading up to the rescue, and maybe keep the Capitol's attention elsewhere," Haymitch said.

"Yes, a distraction. A decoy of sorts," Finnick said.

Anything that kept the Capitol from realizing that some of our own people were starting to infiltrate their airspace. Every time that we got onto the Capitol's airwaves, it caused a huge problem for them. They dropped everything to try and get us off of the airwaves and start proving to their loyal members that we were the real villains. Yes, they would need someone to cause even the slightest distraction while they were in the Capitol. What could we say, though?

"What we really need is something so riveting that even President Snow won't be able to tear himself away. Got anything like that?" Haymitch asked.

How many things could I say that would attract the attention of the Capitol? Anything that I said seemed to attract their attention. There were a number, and each one was more damaging than the next. Even more than my own thoughts, there was a good chance that Finnick would have a million things to showcase. Between he and Seneca and Plutarch and the rest of the Capitol refugees that we had here, we would be able to distract them for the ten minutes that they would need in the Tribute Center.

"I think we all do. Let's do it," I said seriously.

Having a job that might help the mission snapped me into focus. My heartbreak could wait. Right now the only thing that I had to focus on was whatever we would do to help the mission. Anything to keep Snow off of Gale's scent. Anything to keep Cato from potentially being killed before they got there. Finnick, Katniss, and I sprung from the bed. She looked as heartbroken as I was. But at least we finally had something to distract ourselves from simply waiting.

While I knocked down breakfast and got prepped by the rest of the team, I tried to think of what I might say. President Snow must have at least been wondering how that blood-splattered floor and his roses were affecting me. Not well, just the way that he would be expecting. If he wanted me broken, then I would have to be whole. But I didn't think that I would convince him of anything by shouting a couple of defiant lines at the camera. Besides, that wouldn't buy the rescue team any time.

Outbursts were short. It was stories that took time. And I had a number of stories to tell. I didn't know if it would work, but when the television crew was all assembled above ground, I asked Cressida if she could start out by asking me about Peeta, Cato, and Gale. Three people who meant the most to me in the world. One was gone, which might make it even more impactful. I took a seat on the fallen marble pillar where I had my breakdown and waited for the red light and Cressida's question.

"How did you meet Peeta?" she finally asked.

For a moment my voice stuck in my throat. What could I say? What was I supposed to say? It was easy enough. I was supposed to say the exact same thing that I had told Cato on the roof the night before our first Games. The words had come so easily when directed towards him. So I pretended that I was speaking to him. Like I was retelling him the story. Taking a deep breath, I did the one thing that Haymitch had wanted since my first Interview. I opened up.

"When I met Peeta, I was thirteen years old, and I was almost dead."

It seemed to go on for hours. Each time that I started to run out of things to say, I started detailing even more about what had caused us to get to the point where we had needed Peeta to save us. Finally I got around to talking about that awful day when we tried to sell the baby clothes in the rain, how Peeta's mother chased us from the bakery door, and how he took a beating to bring us the loaves of bread that saved our lives. Everyone listened with rapt attention.

To my surprise, even Katniss stepped in to give a few comments about Peeta. She recounted the many times that she had caught him staring at her, only to look away moments later. It was the first time that I had heard her speak so openly about her near-nonexistent relationship with Peeta. During her explanation, I saw that she was having a hard time not crying, thinking about him. His loss was never something that she liked to talk about. But I was impressed that she managed.

The others were fascinated by listening to Katniss talk about Peeta, something that hadn't been addressed since that first moment where he had revealed that he was in love with her during the first Interviews. I had always wondered what could have become of them. The Capitol people had been fascinated by the idea of their relationship but it had easily been overridden by Cato and I's, which they could actually see grow. What would have happened if Katniss had gone into the Games with him?

"We had never even spoken. The first time I ever talked to Peeta was on the train to the Games," I finally finished.

Cressida let it sink in for a moment before asking, "What about Gale?"

"He's not really my cousin. He's not Katniss's either. It was all a clever lie created by the Capitol," I said.

Even in the small group of people standing around me, I could see the shock. I supposed that people really didn't understand that we weren't related. Good thing that none of them saw the kiss back in Twelve. That would have made for an awkward conversation. First I talked about the lie that was created by Snow after my romance with Cato in the Games had become such a huge deal and a key factor in the two of us winning together, following with the threat to all of our lives to keep it going.

Knowing that it might have made me a little less sympathetic towards the audience, I even mentioned that Gale and I had indeed shared a kiss before the first Games. He would likely hate me for saying all of this, but if I kept talking and kept Snow's attention off of him, that was all that mattered. The entire film team seemed fascinated as I described the tense but loyal friendship that I had always felt towards Gale. I was careful not to mix in stories about Cato with Gale.

They were two completely separate people and deserved two very different conversations. Finally I explained how Gale and I had met that fateful day that I had stolen his squirrels right from under him, leading to our initial partnership, filled with mistrust and suspicion, but how we had finally let each other in and had become inseparable after that. The others were fascinated with the stories about both Gale and Peeta, but I knew what they really wanted to get to.

"Tell me about Cato," Cressida prompted.

"My parents were both in the Games. My father competed first. In the Fifty-Fifth Hunger Games. He was killed by the District 2 male in the Death Match. My mother was Reaped two years later. She, just like him, was killed by the District 2 male in the Death Match. When I was Reaped, I made promises. That I would try. That I would win. But my only concern was killing the District 2 male," I said, remembering my desperation to kill Cato before I knew who he was. "When I watched the Reaping tape..."

My voice dropped off as I remembered that day. I had just taken a shower for the first time and had moved out into the living room, watching the Reaping tapes. He had spoken so fast that I had been shocked. The moment that I had seen Cato for the first time I realized just how huge he was. I knew that I couldn't kill him. He was the perfect Tribute. I had known that. But I had also been fascinated with him. He was beautiful. And in my own brilliant words...

'... if I wasn't thinking about how to kill him, I'd probably be thinking about how to jump his bones.' The memory almost coaxed a grin out of me.

"What did you think?" Cressida asked softly.

"That I couldn't kill him. He was too strong," I said, deciding to opt out of revealing my real thoughts. When Cato was back, if he knew that, he would never let me live it down. "I met him for the first time when I was getting my legs waxed. He threatened to kill me."

Everyone laughed at that. Even I gave the slightest smile. "What happened?" Cressida asked.

Even now I didn't know what had happened. I still didn't know how we had fallen in love. It had just happened. "I was an idiot. We riled each other up. I kept coming back for more. So did he. One day he wasn't just someone who could kill me anymore. He was... I don't know. He was someone that I couldn't live without," I mumbled stupidly.

"He used to say something to you in the first Games," Cressida said. I nodded for her to continue. "He would say that you weren't what he was expecting. What did that mean?"

"You're nothing like I thought you would be. Just so you know."

That slight smile that he had given me. The beginning of the end. Those words that had come back to us so many times before. Those words that still came back to me now. Even now when I thought about him. He had proven time and time again that he wasn't what I had originally expected. Saving me in the Bloodbath, saving me from the Careers more times than I could count, helping me after the fire, getting me the medicine from the wolf mutt, and so many other times.

The words stuck in my throat. "I told him that on the roof before the Games. I told him that he wasn't what I was expecting because he really wasn't. He wasn't cold. He wasn't cruel. I barely knew him... he was trying to kill me... he had threatened to kill me more times than I would care to admit... but..." I trailed off, unable to figure out where to go from there.

"But he was already in love with you," Cressida said.

"I guess so," I mumbled.

He had told me that he, in his own way, was in love with me from the moment that he had seen me on the Reaping tape. But it had changed over time. Either way, I allowed myself a small smile. Cato had always been so confident that he was in love with me. There was never a doubt in his mind about his love for me. I tried to push off my own thoughts about how confused I was about love. All that mattered was that Cato loved me. We would work from there.

"How are you doing with the separation?" Cressida asked after a beat of silence.

"Not well," I said honestly. "I know at any moment Snow could kill him. Especially since he warned Thirteen about the bombing. It's a terrible thing to live with. But because of what they're putting him through, I don't have any reservations anymore. About doing whatever it takes to destroy the Capitol. I'm finally free."

One way or another, I was going to be free after tonight. He would either be dead and I could exact my revenge on Snow for what he had done to me and Cato and everyone else that I cared about, even those who I didn't know. Even better, I could have Cato back and the two of us could each have our own revenge on Snow. For what he had done to me for my entire life and for what he had done to Cato in the Capitol. I slowly turned my gaze skyward and watched the flight of a hawk across the sky.

"President Snow once admitted to me that the Capitol was fragile. At the time, I didn't know what he meant. It was hard to see clearly because I was so afraid. Now I'm not. The Capitol's fragile because it depends on the Districts for everything. Food, energy, even the Peacekeepers that police us. If we declare our freedom, the Capitol collapses." I dropped my voice to a strong whisper. "President Snow, thanks to you, I'm officially declaring mine today."

Everyone went dead silent at my words. I let out a few soft breaths as I finally stared back at the red light on the camera. As for anything that I had said today, the last sentence was the only thing that I wanted to get to the Capitol. When Cressida called cut, I could tell that she was more than thrilled at what she had gotten from me. She hadn't had to drag anything out of me and had only had to help me along with a few lines. It was definitely the most I had opened up in a long time.

Clearly everyone else was thrilled as well. I had been sufficient, if not dazzling. Everyone loved the bread story. They adored the story about Cato and finally learning the truth about what it was that Cato and I so often said to each other. I barely realized that no one ever knew what it meant. The lines about Gale were also well-liked, but I could tell that they weren't going to make it into the broadcast. Gale was still a touchy subject all around, and not something that Cato needed to hear once he was back.

Other than the stories about the three men, it was my message to President Snow that got the wheels spinning in Plutarch's brain. He hastily called Finnick and Haymitch over and they had a brief but intense conversation that I could see that Haymitch wasn't happy with. I tried to eavesdrop, but I kept being pushed back. Eventually Seneca was brought into the conversation. He looked terrified, but was nodding. Plutarch seemed to win. Finnick - like Seneca - was pale but nodding his head by the end of it.

As Finnick moved to take my seat before the camera, Haymitch told him, "You don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do. If it will help her." Finnick balled up his rope in his hand. "I'm ready."

What the hell were the three of them talking about? Another chair was brought out for Seneca to sit in and I stared at them. It didn't make sense, what they were doing. Weren't my words enough? I didn't know what to expect. A love story about Annie? An account of the abuses in District 4? Maybe like District 12? But Finnick Odair took a completely different tack. One that dawned on me just seconds before he started speaking. I dashed up to him, breaking past the others, and grabbed his arm.

"Finnick -"

"It's okay, Aspen," Finnick said, pulling away from me. "It's okay."

"No," I gasped. "No, it isn't."

Haymitch joined us, grabbing my arm and bringing me along with him. "Come on. We're going downstairs to Command," he said.

It was in a tone that said that he didn't want me to fight him on this one. "Wait a second," I snapped.

"Go with them," Seneca said, walking up to me.

"What are you doing?" I asked sharply.

"Go," Seneca ordered.

That was when it dawned on me, what the both of them were planning to do. Of course Finnick was going to tell the truth of what Snow had forced him to do. But Seneca was also planning to tell the truth. Maybe a lot about Snow - as I assumed that he knew a great deal. But he was also planning on telling the truth about what had conspired between us. And I couldn't tolerate him doing that. It would hurt too many people, himself included. It wasn't worth it to hurt Snow for that.

"Don't. Don't do this," I said, stepping in front of Seneca. He tried to sidestep me, but I moved again. "Seneca, if you tell them what happened between us after the first Games -"

"It's time, Aspen. It's time to face the truth," Seneca said, grabbing my hands.

"Stop it. You don't have to do this. You know what's going to happen in here the second that you tell them the truth," I warned. He would be shunned, at the very least. "No one has to know."

No matter what happened, it wouldn't be good for anyone. Seneca was going to doom himself if he told the truth of what had happened between the two of us. The residents of Thirteen were already weary of the Capitol rebels, if they found out what had happened between us after the Games, they would never trust him. They might even try to kick him out of Thirteen. And I needed him here. He was one of my best friends and most trusted confidantes. He couldn't leave.

Seneca must have seen the panicked look in my eyes as he grabbed my hands and brought me into him. "I have done some very terrible things in my life, Aspen," Seneca explained. True, but he didn't need to do this. "For a long time I've run from them. It's time for me to stop running. They need you down in Command. And there's something that I need to do here."

"Please don't," I begged.

"Come on, Aspen," Katniss said, trying to pull me along with her.

But I pushed her off. "Seneca -"

"It's going to be okay," Seneca interrupted.

The two of us stood together as Seneca moved into me. Katniss took a step back as Seneca leaned down and pressed a kiss against my temple. Likely because he would never be able to do it again. I opened my mouth to beg him not to tell the truth one more time when Katniss wrapped a hand around my arm and dragged me with her and Haymitch. I looked back to see Cressida repositioning Finnick and Seneca to make the propo. Seneca only gave me a reassuring nod as I walked off.

"Okay, Finnick?" Cressida asked.

"Yeah. Yeah."

"Go in the center there. Those rocks. Castor, to left. Pollux, you're with me. So we'll go straight to camera. Okay?" Cressida asked. As we walked off, I heard that there was no answer. "Finnick?"

"Yeah," Finnick muttered.

"Seneca, are you ready?" Cressida asked.

"Yes."

"Okay. Take your time. Just remember to keep talking and don't stop," Cressida instructed.

As they started setting up the cameras, Haymitch, Katniss, and I headed downstairs back into Thirteen. My heart was pounding in my chest as we walked away from the rest of the team. I wanted to be able to hear them, but I couldn't right now. Hopefully I would able to watch from Command. If I was lucky, it wouldn't broadcast to Thirteen. Seneca would become the most hated man in here. Even if he had done so many things to make his actions up to me since then.

The three of us headed up through the hallways to get into Command. As we walked into the room, I glanced around. Alana and the rest of the Hadley's were already there. The only exception was Marley, who I assumed was being taken care of by someone else. Of course Carrie would want to be here. Brutus, Beetee, and Coin were already there as Katniss, Haymitch, and I arrived. The others were out playing and getting ready for the propo.

Eventually the video came onto the screen to Finnick and Seneca standing in the rubble above ground. "This is Finnick Odair."

"And Seneca Crane."

Neither one of them wore any hint of an emotion on their faces. I couldn't believe it. Especially knowing the great regret that Seneca felt for what had happened between the two of us. Because he had said it and had promised that he would try and make it up to me for the rest of my life. As for Finnick... he was going to finally have to admit where that monstrous string of lovers had come from. I wondered if anyone knew, save Annie, Haymitch, and myself.

Katniss and I stood in front of the screen, watching it curiously. "Winner of the Sixty-Fifth Hunger Games. Along with the previous Head Gamemaker," Finnick said, motioning to himself and Seneca. "And we're coming to you from District Thirteen, alive and well. We've survived an assault from the Capitol, but we're not here to give you recent news."

"Why are Finnick and Seneca doing a propo?" Katniss asked.

"It's a lot more than that," Haymitch said.

I swallowed a lump in my throat, knowing where this was going. "Beetee's commandeered the system," Coin explained, looking up from her spot behind Beetee's computer.

"Now that they're down to generator power there's a more limited range of frequencies available to them. And I'm filling them all up with Finnick and Seneca," Beetee added.

"Not many will see it, but whoever does will think it's another propo," Plutarch said, grinning as usual.

"What they don't know is this broadcast is jamming their entire system with noise," Beetee said. My ears perked up. This was designed to distract the Capitol. "Early defense warning, internal communications, everything. As long as the broadcast goes through, our team should be able to get in and out undetected."

My heart skipped a beat. Maybe we would actually be able to get in and out without a problem. No one would be hurt. Gale would come back with Dean and Skye. They would both be just fine. Cato would come back here once and for all. He would take some time to get back to normal, but the two of us would be back together. We would fall back in love with each other, all over again. As Finnick's broadcast continued, I glanced back up at the screen.

"The truth, not the myths about a life of luxury. Not the lie about glory for your homeland. You can survive the arena," Finnick began in a flat, removed tone. "The moment you leave, you're a slave. President Snow used to... sell me... my body, that is. I wasn't the only one. If a Victor is considered desirable, the president gives them as a reward or allows people to buy them for an exorbitant amount of money. If you refuse, he kills someone you love. So you do it."

The shock waves went throughout the room as stares were exchanged. Even Coin looked the slightest bit surprised. I guessed that people really didn't know about it. After all, before I was a Victor, I'd had no idea. Katniss's head shot over to me and I nodded. She hadn't known that it had happened to someone other than me. At least, she hadn't known who it was. On a screen next to Finnick and Seneca's broadcast were the team headed to the Capitol with their stats.

Mutters erupted throughout the room as everyone started trying to piece together what had been happening over the past seventy-five years. Talking about the Victors who had a stream of never-ending lovers. Wondering if the Victors from their District had been forced into slavery. Wondering who it had been. Carrie gave me a look, as if to ask if Finnick was telling the truth, and I gave her a slight nod. She was likely thinking what everyone else in Panem was.

That his explanation explained it. Finnick's consistent parade of lovers in the Capitol. They were never real lovers. Just people like our old Head Peacekeeper, Cray, who bought desperate girls to devour and discard because he could. I had nearly fallen prey to him, after all. It looked like Katniss wanted to interrupt the taping and beg Finnick's forgiveness for every false thought that she had ever had about him. But we had a job to do, and I sensed that Finnick's role would be far more effective than mine.

"I wasn't the only one, but I was the most popular. And perhaps the most defenseless, because the people I loved were so defenseless," Finnick continued. Annie. He really had protected her. "To make themselves feel better, my patrons would make presents of money or jewelry, but I found a much more valuable form of payment."

Secrets, I realized. That was how he had managed to figure out so much about the Capitol. That was how he had pulled the trick of the fake sonogram during the Quell. There was a secret that he had been able to hold over someone's head. It was just part of what made Finnick so threatening to Snow. His secrets. After all, that was what Finnick told me his lovers paid him in, only at first I thought the whole arrangement was by his choice.

"Secrets," Finnick said, echoing my thoughts. "And this is where you're going to want to stay tuned, President Snow, because so very many of them were about you. But let's begin with some of the others."

"Including me," Seneca said, standing from his seat.

For just a brief moment, I gave a slight twitch. It was enough for Katniss's gaze to snap over to me. She knew the watered-down version of what had happened that night. She knew what was coming. A few murmurs echoed through the room as the others tried to figure out who it was that Seneca had bought. Haymitch reached behind me and laid a hand on my shoulder. He knew that this was something that I had never wanted to get out. But it was time. I knew that it was.

Especially if it meant that everyone who went to the Capitol was going to be fine. As Seneca went into his explanation of how the Gamemakers occasionally got to have their choice in Victors - or how they always had their favorite Tributes - I turned to the other screens that were focused on the rescue. Boggs, Gale, Dean, Skye, and two others were headed towards the Capitol. They must have been getting close by now since they had left not long after I had been knocked out.

"Mockingjay One, you are twenty seconds from perimeter defense," one of the District 13 system operators called out.

"Ten seconds," the pilot counted. "Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five." I closed my eyes, praying that they wouldn't be shot down the second that they entered their airspace. "Four. Three. Two. One."

A few beats passed. "No response from perimeter defense," the second pilot said. Beetee smacked the table in glee. I let out a breath that I had been holding for too long. "We're inside Capitol airspace."

"You see, after the Mockingjay's first Games, my life was in grave danger from President Snow," Seneca continued. "He thought that I was a fool for not killing one of them during their final stand of the Games. Aspen Antaeus had caught my attention long before she entered the arena. She fascinated me. When President Snow offered me an ultimatum at the end of the Games, I knew my options. Die after failing to produce only one Victor, or make a promise. Break Aspen Antaeus. At any cost.

"So I became her sole buyer, during which time I saw just how much it hurt her. She kept her promise to never mention our situation to Cato Hadley; if she had, his family would have died. One by one. In time, I began to realize that I couldn't keep hurting her. But I was never able to take back what I did to her. I was never able to change all of the damage that I did in her mind. She is just one of the many," Seneca said.

As Seneca went even further into detail, I tried to block out his announcement. Everything from spotting me the moment that I had volunteered, to his desperation for me during training and into the Games, to him convincing Snow to allow him to take me after the Games - the only reason that he was still alive for the Quell. He even went deeper into detail about what had happened between us. Everything from the unwanted kiss in the control room to the night of Cato and I's engagement.

Off to the side, I could see Katniss's look of horror. She knew about what had happened that night, but I had never gone into detail. Seneca wasn't sparing any. Gazes all around the room were locked onto me as Haymitch pulled me into his side, trying to protect me from their stares. Alana was staring at me blankly. Damien and Aidan both looked like they were trying to find a way that it was a lie. Carrie looked like she was about to burst into tears.

Knowing that I wasn't helping anything, I pulled out of Haymitch's embrace and straightened my spine. I wasn't going to fall to pieces right now. If Seneca and Finnick could pull themselves together to do this, so could I. Besides, this wasn't the real issue right now. The only thing that mattered was that they got in and out of the Capitol without being caught. I tried to tune out the conversation between Finnick and Seneca. But I could only tune them out for so long.

"Is - Is he telling the truth?" Alana asked breathlessly.

"Yes," I said tonelessly.

That was when I realized that Alana was crying, staring at me like she had never seen me before. "He did this to you?" she asked.

"Nothing ever happened," I said.

"Who did he threaten?" Alana asked.

All of you. Your dead daughter. "It doesn't matter," I muttered.

The entire family came to walk over to me, but Haymitch shook his head, motioning them backwards. Haymitch clearly didn't want them near me. He knew that I needed to be alone right now. I didn't want to talk to them. I never wanted to mention this. I never wanted anyone to bring up what had happened between Seneca and I ever again. I had been doing so well moving past it. Julie's fists were bunched as she stared at the screen.

Just as I had been expecting, Seneca had likely just made himself one of the least popular people in Thirteen. Just when people had been starting to trust him, too. Mutters had erupted through the room. I could even hear people accusing me of being unfaithful to Cato these days, because of my friendship with Seneca. The Hadley's were quick to snap their rebuttals. I held up a hand, silently asking them to stop. They didn't need to defend me or that night.

The people in Thirteen were more than welcome to think whatever they wanted. Because I knew the truth and I knew that Seneca had changed since those days back in the Capitol, after the Games. Others in the room were horrified. Some people were even suggesting to throw Seneca back to the Capitol and let them kill him. I wanted to argue, but I was brought back to the Capitol mission. Seneca had doomed himself and I would try to help, but right now my attention needed to be elsewhere.

Back on the far screen, the hovercraft containing the rescue team was approaching the Capitol. "Gear up!" Boggs called to the rest of the team.

"Switching to Night View," the second pilot said.

In the meantime, Finnick and Seneca began to weave a tapestry so rich in detail that you couldn't doubt its authenticity. Tales of strange sexual appetites, betrayals of the heart, bottomless greed, and bloody power plays. Drunken secrets whispered over damp pillow-cases in the dead of night. Finnick was someone bought and sold. A District slave. A handsome one, certainly, but in reality, harmless. Who would he tell? And who would believe him if he did? But some secrets were too delicious not to share.

Not to mention everything that Seneca knew. It turned out that being a Gamemaker - and a Head Gamemaker at that - made him privy to a great number of secrets. The fragility of the Capitol, some of those in the Capitol who bordered in between being a rebel and a Capitol loyalist, and just how little of a hold President Snow had over the rest of his people. It was fascinating to listen to, and perhaps something that would make Seneca a little less hated - a task that would certainly take some time.

When it came back around, I didn't know the people Finnick and Seneca named - all seemed to be prominent Capitol citizens - but I knew, from listening to the chatter of my Prep Team, the attention the mildest slip in judgment could draw. If a bad haircut could lead to hours of gossip, what would charges of incest, back-stabbing, blackmail, and arson produce? Even as the waves of shock and recrimination rolled over the Capitol, the people there would be waiting, as I was now, to hear about the president.

On the other screen, Boggs was pointing ahead to the Tribute Center. "There."

My heart skipped a beat. They were right there. Cato would be in their grasp within minutes. "Command, we have visual on the Tribute Center," the second pilot said.

"Initiating final approach," the District 13 systems operator ordered.

The hovercraft swirled in the air as Finnick continued to speak about the depravity, deceit, and cruelty that went on in the Capitol. It was stunning to listen to, really. I knew how terrible things were there, but I had never guessed that it went this far. As Finnick and Seneca recounted their lives and knowledge of the Capitol, I saw the team approach the Tribute Center. It looked more ominous than it ever had before. Once they landed, Boggs voice echoed through the microphone.

"Masks on."

"And now, on to our good President Coriolanus Snow," Finnick said, drawing my attention back to him. "Such a young man when he rose to power. Such a clever one to keep it. How, you must ask yourself, did he do it? One word. That's all you really need to know. Poison."

"Open the door," Boggs ordered on the other screen. The aircraft hatchet opened at his order. "Command, this is Team Leader. Prepare to deploy gas. We will confirm once inside. Get ready to drop."

They were hovering right over the glass ceiling of the Tribute Center. Cato couldn't have been far from them. They would see him at any given moment. All they had to do was get past the people who might have been trying to cut them off. But the gas that they had dropped would ensure that no one would still be conscious by the time that they got there. Using ropes attached to the hovercraft, Boggs and the rest of the team dropped down into the Tribute Center.

As much as I wanted to listen to their mission and see every inch of it, there was something else that had drawn my attention. How President Snow made his way up to the top of the ladder. It was never something that was talked about in the history lessons that were mandatory. Likely because it painted him in a bad light. So, praying that nothing bad would happen to them while I looked away, I began listening to the tale that was likely capturing the attention of everyone in the nation.

Finnick went back to Snow's political ascension, which I and everyone else in Command knew nothing of, and he worked his way up to the present, pointing out case after case of the mysterious deaths of Snow's adversaries or, even worse, his allies who had the potential to become threats. People dropping dead at a feast or slowly, inexplicably declining into shadows over a period of months. Blamed on bad shellfish, elusive viruses, or an overlooked weakness in the aorta.

Seneca even went into detail of just how close he himself had come to being executed. He told us everything about the day that he had nearly been killed. Being locked in a room with only a bowl of Nightlock. Commit suicide or starve to death. Begging for a meeting with Snow. Using me as a bargaining chip to keep himself alive. Working back into Snow's good graces, eventually becoming friendly with Plutarch, and eventually joining the rebellion without ever tipping Snow off to the problem.

He was one of the few to never be caught. To my fascination, Snow apparently drank from the poisoned cup himself to deflect suspicion. But antidotes didn't always work. They said that it was why he wore the roses that reeked of perfume. They said that it was to cover the scent of blood from the mouth sores that would never heal. Of course. He doesn't drink blood. It was wine that was laced with the blood from his mouth. They said, they said, they said... Snow had a list and no one knew who would be next.

All of it made perfect sense. I couldn't believe that I hadn't ever realized that it wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me. Of course, for the last year and a half I had thought that I was insane. But I really had smelled the blood. It turned out that there always was some truth in lies. For all of these years, people really had been telling the truth... But they had never really known. It was always poison. The perfect weapon for a snake.

"Clear," Gale's voice came as they landed in the Tribute Center.

On their screen, I could see that all of the Peacekeepers were laying on the ground, having been knocked out by the gas. "Clear. Command, we're inside. Heading toward target number one. Cell P45 lower level 2C," Boggs was instructing. "Gas."

As Finnick continued to speak about the various discrepancies of the Capitol, I looked back towards the screen that was showing the broadcast of their attack on the Capitol. My heart was pounding as I watched through Boggs's security camera. I could see Dean, Skye, and Gale standing off to the side with the other rescuers. They were standing in front of the door - the one that evidently held Cato behind it. They were so close... But what if there were guards?

"Gale," Boggs whispered.

Placing my hand over my mouth, I watched as the team opened the door that they were standing behind, just as Finnick started talking about who Snow really was. A man who killed without mercy. A man who ruled with deception and fear. Nasty words, but so very true. I glanced back at the screen where the rescue team were. They were deep inside the room, walking around to try and find Cato. But the only thing in there were tubes of some type of drug. It looked like a laboratory.

Terrified of what might happen, I thought to Finnick's broadcast. Since my opinion of the Capitol and its noble president were already so low, I couldn't say that Finnick and Seneca's allegations shocked me. They seemed to have far more effect on the displaced Capitol rebels like my crew, Fulvia, and Effie – even Plutarch occasionally reacted in surprise, maybe wondering how a specific tidbit passed him by. They all looked horrified and shocked about Seneca's explanation of our night together.

Effie was muttering, "That's what the meeting was about."

She seemed to still be stuck on that simple fact, even long after Seneca had stopped speaking about it. She couldn't believe that she was the one who had brought me to him. I wanted to tell her that it was alright, but I was too busy watching the screen that was still broadcasting the rescue mission. When Finnick and Seneca finally finished their stories, they just kept the cameras rolling until finally he had to be the one to say 'Cut.' No one, me included, wanted it to end.

The crew hurried off to a spare computer station to edit the material to send off to the rest of Panem, mostly to keep the Capitol busy keeping us off of their airwaves, and Plutarch lead Finnick off for a chat, probably to see if he had any more stories. They were just a few feet away. I was then left with Haymitch and Katniss in the middle of the room, wondering if Finnick's fate would have one day been mine. With more than just Seneca. Why not? Snow could have gotten a really good price for the Girl on Fire.

"Is that what happened to you?" I asked Haymitch.

"No. My mother and younger brother. My girl," Haymitch said. So he had been dating someone... "They were all dead two weeks after I was crowned Victor. Because of that stunt I pulled with the force field."

At least I got to live after I had embarrassed the Capitol. "I'm sorry, Haymitch," I said.

"It's over with," Haymitch said, shrugging his shoulders. "After that, Snow had no one to use against me."

"I'm surprised he didn't just kill you," I said.

"Oh, no. I was the example. The person to hold up to the young Finnick's and Johanna's and Cashmere's. And you," Haymitch said. Of course. Snow had threatened me with exactly what had happened to Haymitch. "Of what could happen to a Victor who caused problems. But he knew he had no leverage against me."

"Until Peeta and I came along," I said softly. "Then Cato."

As usual, Haymitch didn't dare respond to me. Not the second that we were getting emotional. He, like me, didn't like having the hard talks. Just like normal, I didn't even get a shrug in return. I wanted to say something more to him, but I didn't know what there was to say. I also really wanted the Hadley's to stop staring at me, but I knew that they wouldn't. They were sure to ask me all about Seneca later. I also wanted to find him, but I needed to see the rescue. He would be a battle for another day.

My gaze turned back towards the screen as I tried to figure out what was happening. Nothing made sense. Cato should have been right behind that door. We knew where Cato was supposed to be. Right in that room. But it looked like they were in a lab. Not a prisoner's cell. The lights were bouncing off of what appeared to be serums that were sitting all around the room. Lots of medical devices, but Cato was nowhere to be found.

"What is this place?" Boggs asked.

Their lights from the flashlights were shining all over the room. They continued to look around the room, getting closer and closer to the back, still without a sign of Cato. Was there a chance that we had the wrong information about where Cato was? Could it have been a lie fed to us? Was that a chance that they were walking into a trap? Just as I opened my mouth to say something, there was a flash of light and the signal went out. The screen faded to black.

Everyone began banging on buttons as I desperately jumped forward. "Beetee?" I asked, my voice strained.

"I'm losing them," Beetee said.

"What's happening?" I breathed.

"Powering back up," Coin said, leaning down next to Beetee's computer.

"Ma'am, the Capitol air defense system is rebooting. It's coming back online," one of the system operators said.

"Must be diverting power from another source and filtering transmissions," Beetee said, still banging on the buttons. "Another sixty seconds and we'll be cut off."

"Madam President, should we call back the hovercraft?" the systems operator asked.

Were they nuts? They were already in there. If they left, the Capitol would realize how close we were to getting him. They would kill him immediately. "If we call them back, it's all over. We'll never get Cato back," I said loudly.

"There's gotta be something else that we can do," Katniss said.

How could we get them to pay attention to us and not the ones already in the Capitol? "Broadcast me," I said suddenly. Beetee and Coin turned back to me in surprise. "If Snow's watching this, maybe he'll let the signal in if he sees me. Put me on the air so he can see me."

"Yes. Yes," Plutarch agreed.

"Put her on," Coin ordered.

"Can we do this? Can we still get in?" Haymitch asked, darting over and grabbing one of the microphones that was sitting on the desk.

"Yes, for the moment he line's open. He will only see you," Beetee said.

Everyone jumped out of their chairs to ensure that I was the only person who would be seen. Katniss grabbed my arm quickly and gave it a reassuring squeeze. The Hadley's all nodded at me as they walked off to the side of the room. Haymitch was raising the microphone so that it would face me and pick up anything that I was saying. He was quickly turning the bolt in place as I tried to think of what I could say. I guessed that it would come to me when it was time.

"Okay, Aspen, go," Haymitch said, stepping out of my way.

First thing was getting Snow to talk to me. "President Snow? President Snow, it's Aspen," I called out.

"There's no guarantee he's even watching," Coin whispered, standing next to Plutarch.

"President Snow?" I repeated.

"I know, but he might be," Plutarch whispered back.

"President Snow, I need to speak with you. Are you there? President Snow, it's Aspen. Can you hear me? I need to speak with you," I continued. He had to be there... "President Snow, it's Aspen. President Snow, are you there? Can you hear me?"

He had to have been listening. There was no way that he hadn't been listening to Finnick and Seneca recount his entire life and all of his crimes. He must have just been waiting to see how desperate I was to speak with him. But still... there was no answer and the monitors showed no sign of changing from their static-filled broadcast. With still no response from him, I looked over at Coin and Plutarch for a moment. They nodded at me to keep trying.

"President Snow..." I tried again.

Just as I was about to repeat that I needed to talk to him, we heard a very distorted version of his voice. "Miss Antaeus." The screen slowly faded to reveal Snow sitting in his blood-red suit. "What an honor," Snow said, grinning.

Once he had appeared on the screen, I spent a few seconds just staring at him. He looked the same as he had the last time that I had seen him. Perhaps a little thinner and paler, but otherwise just the same. It was his words that kept thrashing around in my head. Telling me that it was an honor. It was the same thing that I had told him when he had visited my home in Victor's Village the day that the Victory Tour had started. Even now, he was still mocking me.

"I don't imagine you're calling to thank me for the roses," Snow said gleefully.

What do I say? What do I say? Anything that bides them time. "I never asked for this," I finally said. He needed to know that I really hadn't wanted this. Never. "I never asked to be in the Games."

Technically I had actually asked to be in the Games. But the only reason that I had volunteered was because Prim had been Reaped into the Games and I couldn't stand to have Katniss go in. Even if it had been her, I feared that the same thing would have happened. Katniss and I were that similar. And even if it hadn't been either one of us, it would have happened someday. He just needed to know that I didn't want this war. At least, I didn't want to be the one running it.

"Boggs?" Beetee called into the radio quietly. "Come in, Boggs."

"I never asked to be the Mockingjay. I just wanted to save my sisters and keep Cato alive," I said truthfully. "I didn't want to turn into my parents."

"And you haven't, as you're still alive," Snow said.

"Not by your choice," I pointed out.

Snow smiled again. "No, Miss Antaeus, not by my choice at all."

"Come in, Boggs," Beetee repeated.

"Please, just let him go and I will stop being the Mockingjay, I will disappear. You will never have to see me ever again," I said half-truthfully. I wouldn't stop being the Mockingjay, but one day I really would disappear for good. I was sick of being in the spotlight. "I swear to you. We'll leave. We'll leave Panem for good."

"Miss Antaeus," Snow began, grinning.

"Boggs, come in. Can you hear me?" Beetee continued in the background.

"You couldn't run from this..." Snow said.

"Copy," Boggs answered.

Beetee gave an okay symbol to the others. It was almost impossible not to let out a breath of relief. They were still alive. "... any more than you could have run from the Games," Snow finished.

"Command, I need a situation report," Boggs said over the radio.

"Boggs, we're running out of time. Hurry," Beetee whispered.

"Let's move," Boggs's voice came, obviously to his team.

"Please," I begged Snow, knowing that I had to speak before he got suspicious. "I never tried to run from the Games. Maybe I should have. Maybe it wasn't worth the fight." Snow gave me another small smile. "But you've won. You've already beaten me. Release Cato and take me instead."

It was me who he wanted. He would likely execute me the moment that he got his hands on me, but it would be worth it. Snow smiled again. "We're long past the opportunity for noble sacrifice," he said.

"Then tell me what to do. I've always kept my promises, haven't I?" I snarled.

"You said you didn't want a war, and that's just what's happened," Snow said.

"I didn't ask for this war."

"Perhaps not, but you were also unable to stop it," Snow said. But I had tried so hard to stop it. "I told you what a fragile thing peace was. And still, like a child, you took pleasure in breaking it."

"Do I look pleased right now?" I asked.

This was about as far from pleasing as I could possibly get. "Of course not, because you know that you're losing," Snow pointed out. Not after today. "I know what you are. I know you can't see past your narrowest concerns. But please, Miss Antaeus, I doubt you know what honesty is anymore."

"Maybe not," I said. "But I will keep my word on this. Make the trade. My life for Cato's. Please."

"Oh, Miss Antaeus. We don't trade lives in the Capitol. Not even yours," Snow said.

"Command, we're at the first target. Preparing to extract Cato," Boggs's voice came. Once more, it was nearly impossible to keep myself from shouting with glee. "Will confirm when he's in hand."

"Mockingjay One, prepare hovercraft for evac," Beetee said.

"You asked me to convince you that I was in love with Cato. Haven't I at least done that?" I asked.

"Miss Antaeus, it is the things we love most that destroy us. I want you to remember that I said that," Snow said. What the hell was that supposed to mean? A wicked grin spread over Snow's face. "Don't you think I know your friends are in the Tribute Center?" He turned to someone off-camera. "Cut them off."

It took me about three seconds too long to realize what he had just said. Snow knew that they were in the Tribute Center. He had just been entertaining me. He knew that I was trying to distract him. He had known the entire thing. My heart slammed against my ribs as I stumbled back from where I was standing. Suddenly the screen went back to static as my head whipped back and forth. A scream was lodged in my throat. Carrie was already screaming, only stopped by Damien pushing her head into his shoulder.

"What happened?" I gasped loudly.

"Boggs, come in," Beetee said.

"What happened?" I repeated.

"Boggs, come in. Do you read me?" Beetee asked.

The entire thing was a lie. He knew what he was doing. He knew that he was fooling me. He knew that he was wasting my time, leading all of us into a trap. Carrie was sobbing hysterically into Damien's shoulder. Alana was sobbing softly, keeping Aidan pressed against her chest. He looked like he was about to try and make a break for it. Julie was staring at the screen numbly. I turned on my heel and ran up to Haymitch with Katniss right behind me.

"He knows that they're in there. It's a trap," I said.

"Aspen, hold it," Haymitch said, grabbing my shoulders.

"We have to get a hold of them. We have to tell them to get out, he knows," I begged.

"There's no signal. We can't contact them," Plutarch said.

This was slowly turning into my worst nightmare. Losing most of the people that I cared about while they were trying to do something for me. How many people were about to die? Skye, Dean, Boggs, and the rest of those men. I didn't even know all of their names. Gale was there. My best friend went there and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to him. Cato was there. All of this hadn't happened to him just to die right when they were trying to rescue him. Tears began flooding my face.

"No!" I gasped, hysteria spilling over. "Haymitch, he knew the whole time. He was taunting me! No, Haymitch. They're in there. They're going to cut them off! They're going to kill them!"

"No, we don't know that. We don't know," Haymitch said loudly, trying to speak over me.

Just as Finnick and I had both done when the Mockingjay's had attacked during the Quell, Katniss dropped down to her hands and knees, placing them over her ears, trying to block out... my hysterical screams? Her own thoughts? The sounds of the others trying to get the broadcast back? I couldn't be sure. To keep me from completely losing it, Haymitch wrapped his arms around me and brought me into a hug as I sobbed hysterically, losing all grip on reality.

"Did I lose them both tonight?" I screamed, finally realizing just what was happening. "Did I lose them both tonight? Did I lose them both tonight?"

"Shh. It's okay," Haymitch whispered, running a hand through my hair.

"Did I lose them? I lost them both," I shrieked, trembling head to toe.

"Shh," Haymitch whispered.

"No! No!" I shouted.

My screams echoed all throughout Command. It didn't take long for Coin to order Haymitch to take me from the room. I tried to fight as they dragged me down to the hospital to give me a mild sedative. It didn't knock me out but it did calm me down enough to stop my hysteria. It took almost an hour for them to calm me down enough to realize that there was nothing that I could do right now. I had done everything I could. The rest of it would be up to them - including their survival.

It helped that the sedative put me in an almost trance. I could feel the terrified version of myself trapped right below the surface, but it couldn't escape. Likely just what the sedative had been given to me for. All I knew was that Katniss and the Hadley's stayed with me while I waited. Finnick did as well. I had a feeling that Seneca had been advised to stay in his quarters. I sat in a near catatonic state as the sedative wore off with the others trying to keep me calm.

Eventually I couldn't sit there anymore. I had to get up and do something. Anything to get my mind off of what might have been happening. They tried to get me to go to sleep, but I couldn't. With our job done, there was nothing left for Finnick and me to do but wait. We tried to fill the dragging minutes in Special Defense. The two of us tied knots for a while. The fact that we were making knots unnerved the doctors who were watching us and they quickly took the rope away, urging us to eat.

All that resulted in was the two of us pushing our lunch around our bowls. Afterwards we went to blow things up on the shooting range. No one was any use down there. We were all too shaky from the broadcast to actually be able to hit our targets. I missed each time, hitting the walls a few times. After I blew up the far wing of a hovercraft that wasn't even sitting on the firing range, I had been asked to hang up my bow and do something a little less dangerous.

Because of the danger of detection on their way back, no communication came from the rescue team. At 15:00, the designated hour, we stood tense and silent in the back of a room full of screens and computers and watched Beetee and his team try to dominate the airwaves. If they had actually made it out of the Capitol, it would have been right around then. That was when they were supposed to be leaving with Cato. Did they have him? Were they all dead already? In a fight at this very moment?

Beetee's usual fidgety distraction was replaced with a determination I had never seen. If there was ever a time for him to be so focused, it was now. I had never been more grateful for it. Most of my interview didn't make the cut, just enough to show that I was alive and still defiant. My declaration of freedom was some of the little that had made it. Instead it was Finnick and Seneca's salacious and gory account of the Capitol that took the day.

Was Beetee's skill improving? Or were his counterparts in the Capitol a little too fascinated to want to tune Finnick and Seneca out? Perhaps a little bit of both. For the next sixty minutes, the Capitol feed alternated between the standard afternoon newscasts, Finnick, and attempts to black it all out. But the rebel techno team managed to override even the latter and, in a real coup, kept control for almost the entire attack on Snow. If they had made it past Snow's team, they were on their way back.

"Let it go!" Beetee called, throwing up his hands, relinquishing the broadcast back to the Capitol. He mopped his face with a cloth. "If they're not out of there by now, they're all dead."

My entire body straightened. I grasped onto Finnick's hands. Katniss let out a slight sob. She came to stand at my other side, wrapping her arm around my waist. Most of the Hadley's seemed to be on the verge of the same hysteria that I felt. Beetee spun in his chair to see Finnick and me reacting to his words. He clearly noticed that the both of us were about to lose it. His face softened slightly. He knew that it had been a mistake to say that.

"It was a good plan, though. Did Plutarch show it to you?" Beetee asked us.

Of course not. Beetee took us to another room and showed us how the team, with the help of rebel insiders, would attempt - had attempted - to free the Victors from an underground prison. It seemed to have involved knockout gas distributed by the ventilation system, a power failure, the detonation of a bomb in a government building several miles from the prison, and now the disruption of the broadcast. Beetee was glad we found the plan hard to follow, because then our enemies would, too.

"Like your electricity trap in the arena?" I asked.

"Exactly. And see how well that worked out?" Beetee said.

Well... not really, I thought. I had been completely thrown during the entire plan. It had resulted in me getting knocked out and having a nice concussion for almost two months. Plus the entire thing had been screwed up from the beginning. I had blown up the arena - which wasn't supposed to happen - and both Johanna and Cato were taken - also not something that was supposed to have happened. Beetee had been placed in a wheelchair. Chaff had been killed.

The plan hadn't gone well at all. My heart was starting to pick up pace again as the panic rose in me. That plan had been simple compared to this one and it hadn't gone well at all. What had happened to this one? Tears threatening to fall, I excused myself to go on a walk around the District. I wasn't sure how long passed, but no one tried to stop me or speak to me as I walked, desperate to calm myself down. Everyone knew how stressed I was right now. Everyone knew how fragile I was.

Eventually I headed towards the dining room. It was the one place where I knew that no one would talk to me. It was the one place where I knew that I could be alone. I wasn't sure how long passed, but with the nightmares that kept creeping into my mind over what was happening, I began to sob. The tears were silent, but they never seemed to stop. Gale and Cato. Dean and Skye. All dead. All because of me. What felt like hours later, Coin appeared on my side and took a seat next to me.

"There's no news." I sniffled softly. "I'm sorry. It's the worst torture in the world. Waiting, when you know there's nothing you can do. Especially for people like us. But whatever strength, courage, madness, keeps us going, you find it, at times like these."

Finally I turned to look at Coin as tears continued to roll down my face. I didn't know what she was telling me. Actually, I did know, but she had to have known that I didn't want to hear any of that right now. She had to have known just how pathetic and guilty I felt. Whether or not Cato was still alive. Dean, Skye, and Gale. All of the rest of them. What if they all died? There were already so many people's blood on my hands. How much more could one person take before they were permanently broken?

"You have it, soldier. It's what's kept you alive all this time. And it won't fail you now," Coin continued.

Unable to speak, I nodded as I continued to cry. I spent a long time in tears before Katniss finally came and sat with me. Neither one of us spoke. There wasn't anything that we could say. Not right now. There would be nothing to say until someone came back with news of what had happened to them. When I finally looked over at Katniss, I noticed that she too looked to be in tears. We sat together in silence, holding hands, trying to keep ourselves from crying even more. But it really didn't work well.

"Come on," I finally said, jumping to my feet. "I can't sit here anymore."

Katniss nodded and rose alongside me. "Let's find Finnick," she offered.

"Okay."

The two of us wandered the halls for a little while, searching for wherever Finnick had gone. I tried to find him in my old hiding spot - which I had shown him one day - but he wasn't there. After a little while I realized that he wasn't even in his barracks. He had gone somewhere that there would be first word of the rescue mission. Which, I realized, was Command. There was no communication with the rest of the team, but they were trying.

Once we finally found him, the two of us took our seats with him, doing nothing. He had gotten another few pieces of rope and handed them off to us. Katniss clearly had no idea how to use them, so the two of us went to showing her how to make the only knot that mattered right now. The noose; the exact one that I could feel tightening around my neck with each passing moment. How long would it be before it tightened to the point that I could no longer breathe?

Finnick, Katniss, and I tried to station ourselves in Command, where surely first word of the rescue would come, but we were barred because serious war business was being carried out. The three of us were kicked out but we refused to return to the barracks. I needed to know what had happened, the moment that everyone else knew. So we refused to leave Special Defense and ended up being allowed to wait in the hummingbird room for news. It wasn't as peaceful as I remembered in there.

The three of us spent the remaining time that we had in the hummingbird room doing anything that we could think of to keep our minds off of what was happening elsewhere. So we went to the only things that our fragile minds could keep up with right now. Making knots. Making knots. No word. Not even after hours had passed. Making knots. Tick-tock. This was a clock. With the hands ticking away the minutes of our lives - just as it had done in the arena.

Do not think of Gale. Do not think of Cato. Making knots. The noose; over and over again. When the time came, we were quick to say that we did not want dinner. My fingers were raw and bleeding. Finnick finally gave up and assumed the hunched position he took in the arena when the Jabberjay's attacked. Katniss sat with her head tucked down into her knees. Her hands were so tight around the noose that her fingers were starting to turn purple. She was mumbling nonsensical words under her breath.

After a while I finally managed to perfect my miniature noose. Tying all of the strings together, I managed to make one large enough to strangle myself with. It took all of my strength to keep myself from doing that. He would be back. Both of them would be back. Do not think of Cato. Do not think of Gale. The words of 'The Hanging Tree' replayed in my head, along with Snow's warning. It is the things we love the most that destroy us. Gale and Cato. Cato and Gale.

Yes, I loved them both more than anything. And not having them here would certainly destroy me. I tried so hard to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall the entire time that the three of us were together. I was sure that I was going to lose it at any given point, but I had slipped into the territory of just being numb for now. I would not allow myself to feel anything or fall apart at the seams until I knew what had happened. There was no point. Not now. I could only wait.

Eventually I assumed the same position that Katniss and Finnick had taken - knees tucked up to my chest with my head in them. I tried so hard to remember all of the good times that I had ever had with both Cato and Gale. There were enough to fill a lifetime. But I wasn't done with them. Not yet. I sobbed softly, knowing that I couldn't live without either one of them. I didn't even talk to Gale before he left. We had been so angry with each other...

"Did you love Annie right away, Finnick?" I asked, desperate to shatter the silence.

"No." A long time passed before he added, "She crept up on me."

Could Gale have crept up on me? I wasn't sure. The only thing that mattered was that he came back. He was still one of the most important people in my life. I needed him back. As for Cato, he had definitely crept up on me during my time in the Capitol. But we had always had the Games to tie us. What about when all of this was over? I knew Gale completely. I had only known Cato during the Games. I searched my heart, but at the moment the only person I could feel creeping up on me was Snow.

The clock ticked away the minutes and hours, just the way that it had done in the arena. Just as I had felt my life ending in the arena, or at least, I had thought that it had been coming to an end, I felt theirs ending right now. With each ring of the new hour, I realized how much closer we were coming to the truth. The end of my life with the both of them. It must have been midnight, it must have been tomorrow when Haymitch pushed open the door.

All of our heads snapped up as I braced myself the news that they were dead. "They're back. We're wanted in the hospital."

It took a few times for me to realize what it was that Haymitch had said. It didn't make sense. The words that had come out of his mouth didn't make sense to me. There was no way. They were actually back? All of them? Had no one died? And the most important part, was Cato still alive? Had they actually managed to get him back? Was I finally going to get my husband back? I tried to rise to my feet, but a second later I collapsed back onto the bed.

My mouth opened with a flood of questions that he cut off with, "That's all I know."

"Cato's family?" I whispered.

"On their way. Come on," Haymitch said.

But I couldn't manage it, no matter how hard I tried. "Get up, Aspen," Katniss said, rising to her feet. She grabbed onto my arms, tugging me along with her. "Let's go."

"Cat -"

"Up," Katniss interrupted me, knowing that I didn't really know what I wanted to say. "Now."

All I wanted to do was sprint faster than I ever had and crash into Cato, never daring to release him, but Finnick was acting so strange, as if he had lost the ability to move, so I took his hand and led him like a small child. Through Special Defense, into the elevator that went this way and that, and on to the hospital wing. The place was in an uproar, with doctors shouting orders and the wounded being wheeled through the halls in their beds. It was even worse than when I had arrived from the arena.

Once we had arrived into the hospital wing, I broke away from Finnick, Katniss, and Haymitch. The three of them were still following me, each of us trying to look for anyone whom we recognized. I began sprinting through the hospital. I could see Cato's family doing the same, but I blew past them. Somewhere Prim and Ms. Everdeen were likely also still around here somewhere too, but I didn't care. Right now the only person that mattered was him.

My head whipped back and forth while I tried to find them, but I couldn't. There were too many people. We were sideswiped by a gurney bearing an unconscious, emaciated young woman with a shaved head. Her flesh showed bruises and oozing scabs. There was something familiar, but for a moment I couldn't place it. Then it hit me. Johanna Mason. Who actually knew rebel secrets. At least the one about me. And this was how she had paid for it.

"I don't want that," Johanna snapped.

It looked like she was trying to pull out some syringes from her arm. "Johanna..." I whispered, meeting eyes with her.

She looked miserable. Of course, she always looked furious. But now was even stranger. Through a doorway, I caught a glimpse of Gale, stripped to the waist, perspiration streaming down his face as a doctor removed something from under his shoulder blade with a long pair of tweezers. Wounded, but alive. That made one of them. Both Katniss and I called his name and started toward him until a nurse pushed us back and shut us out. At least I knew that he was okay.

"Finnick!"

Something between a shriek and a cry of joy. My head whipped around to see what was happening. Was someone actually dying? I had thought that everything was just fine. They were all back here. A lovely if somewhat bedraggled young woman - dark tangled hair, sea green eyes - ran toward us in nothing but a sheet. She was a little bruised and she looked like she had run through the dirt lately, but otherwise she seemed perfectly healthy. The Capitol had clearly done very little to her.

"Finnick!"

Finnick's head turned to her, slowly at first. "Annie?" he asked, almost disbelievingly. "Annie!"

Knowing what this moment meant for him, I stepped off to the side. I would have wanted the same if it were Cato and I. And suddenly, it was as if there was no one in the world but those two, crashing through space to reach each other. They collided, which looked slightly painful, enfolded, lost their balance, and slammed against a wall, where they stayed. Clinging into one being. Indivisible. Just the way that I prayed would happen with Cato soon enough.

Who I still didn't know whether or not he was alive. A pang of jealousy hit me. One that was rather unexpected. For a moment it didn't even occur to me what the jealousy was for. It certainly wasn't for either Finnick or Annie but for their certainty. Yes, that was what it was. There was absolutely no doubt in either one of their eyes. No doubt who they loved. Not the slightest bit. And certainly no one seeing them could doubt their love. Not the way that they had always done with Cato and I.

"You're safe. You're safe," Finnick whispered to her.

Deciding to leave them to their reunion, I turned the other way, just in time to see the door that Gale had been pushed behind earlier open again. "Gale!" I shouted.

His gaze turned up towards me. He looked almost shocked to see that I was here. He looked even more confused to see that Katniss was right behind me. The two of us rushed over towards him with Haymitch just a few steps behind us. I was running so fast that I slammed into Gale. He grunted - likely in pain - but I didn't care. He was here, alive, and that was what mattered. He embraced me for a long moment before releasing me and wrapping his arms around Katniss.

"You're back," Katniss breathed.

"Thank god you're okay," I said, placing my hand on the side of his face.

"Are you okay?" Katniss asked.

There was something wrong. He was just staring at us. No emotion. He should have been thrilled, at least, happy to see us again. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Gale?" Katniss asked.

"What? What is it?" I repeated.

My heart sank. Was he dead? Was Cato dead? Were they trying to soften the blow? "I don't get it. Every gun was back online and on us and we flew right past them. They let us go," Gale said lowly.

No... No, I finally had my answer. Cato was alive. They had gotten him out of there, alive. No one had been injured or killed. I supposed that wasn't true. Gale was sick. A few others were likely also injured. But that didn't matter. They were all back here and would heal. Cato was around here somewhere. Now that I had seen Gale and ensured that he was okay, I had to find him. I had to see him. I just... I didn't know. I just needed to see him for myself.

"It doesn't matter," I said breathlessly, laying my hand on his chest. "You're back and safe. That's all that matters."

Gale paused a moment, still looking unsure, before throwing his head back over his shoulder. "He's in there." I followed his gaze back towards the room that held my husband. "The gas we used on the guards knocked him out, too, but it's wearing off now. You should be there when he wakes up," Gale said.

For a moment the two of us just stared at each other. Whatever came next for the two of us could come on another day. There was no way that Gale was going to say anything about Cato right now. The two of us could figure things out some other time. Right now we could just be happy that we were all still alive. Katniss smiled and stepped back with Gale. She knew that this was something that I had to do on my own. I reached in to give hm another hug and wrap my arms around his waist.

"Thank you," I muttered into his chest. When I turned towards the room, I realized that Boggs was also standing there. "Thank you," I repeated to him.

He merely gave me the slightest nod, following me towards Cato's room. I wanted to sprint past them, knock everyone out of my way, and be the first to see him, but I knew that I needed to calm down. Having a panic attack right now would only sentence e to another few weeks in the hospital wing along with Cato. Although, we might both think that was a little funny. Boggs looked a little worse for wear but he was uninjured. Something that I was surprisingly glad to see.

"We got them all out. Except Enobaria," Boggs said. I shrugged. I didn't give a damn about her since she had tried to literally rip my throat out with her teeth. "But since she's from Two, we doubt she's being held anyway. Cato's at the end of the hall. The effects of the gas are just wearing off. You should be there when he wakes."

Cato.

His name echoed all over my brain. He was here. I was right about to see him. I grinned brightly. It was the first time that I had given a smile like that since finding out that I had been brought to Thirteen and he had been left for the Capitol. Now Cato was here. Alive and well - maybe not well but alive and here. Away from Snow. Safe. Here. With me. In a minute I could touch him. See his smile. Hear his laugh. Sleep in the same bed with him. Never be alone again.

Haymitch was grinning at me. "Come on, then," he said.

"Thank you!" I breathed, throwing myself onto him as well.

He laughed but brought me in for a hug anyways. Not that he had anything to do with it. Once I had released him, I saw that the rest of the Hadley family was waiting at the end of the hallway. They were just feet away from the door that Cato must have been sitting behind. Marley was nowhere to be found, but Carrie appeared to be glued at the hip to Dean, who looked tired but otherwise unharmed. Alana was hanging off of Damien, laughing hysterically. Aidan was grinning brightly.

Skye was being supported by Julie. She had a bloody lip but was still here. "Oh, Aspen," Alana gasped, releasing her husband and coming to embrace me.

"Have you seen him yet?" I asked.

"No. No one has seen him yet," Alana said.

"D - Do you want to go in there first?" I stuttered, knowing that it was the right thing to say, but so desperate that they would say no.

"No," Damien said, as if reading my mind.

My brow raised in curiosity. They didn't want to see him first? "You're the only one that he's going to want to see right now," Alana said, smiling brightly. "You need to be the first one that he see."

"You're his mother," I argued.

"You're his wife," Alana pointed out.

Once she stepped away from me, I darted over to pull Dean and Skye into hugs. They both smiled. "Go," Dean said, nudging me away from him. "He was pretty out of it when we pulled him out. He might be a little confused. Give him some time to figure everything out."

"Okay," I breathed.

"Go. Go see him," Carrie said.

"Go on. Time for you to see him," Katniss said, smiling softly.

To my surprise, even Brutus was there. "Go get him, kid," he said, smacking me on the back.

"Congratulations," a new voice said in my ear. "He's finally back."

To my surprise, it was Seneca. Of course he was here. He knew what it meant being here. He knew that someone might very well try to beat him to death. But he would have been here for me. Because he knew what this moment meant to me. I smiled at Seneca and jumped after him, enveloping him in a painful hug. The Hadley's were watching me carefully - Dean and Skye clearly still out of the loop - but they said nothing. No one would dare say anything to me right now.

"Thank you," I said, letting up my grip but still not dropping my arms from his shoulders. "For everything."

He smiled at me and nodded, shoving me away. Everyone wanted me to see him. So did I. I was light-headed with giddiness. It felt almost like I had a concussion all over again. What would I say to him? Oh, who cared what I said? Cato would be ecstatic no matter what I did. Which would likely be standing there, staring at him. He would probably be kissing me anyway. Trying so desperately to do something even more. Even if he had to physically throw the doctors out of the room himself.

Which was just fine with me. I wasn't sure how strong he was right now, but I didn't care. I would be perfectly happy to support him myself if I needed to. I wondered if it would feel like those last kisses on the beach in the arena, the ones that proved to me that Cato would always mean what Gale never could, the ones I hadn't dared let myself consider until this moment. Up until now, I had loved him, and that was all that mattered. I loved him so desperately. That was all that mattered.

Those kisses - and the ones that followed - were sure to be perfect. Those kisses would be just like the ones on the beach. The ones that were more intense than any of the other ones that we had shared. I wasn't sure why, but it didn't matter. Perhaps it had been because we were about to die. I wasn't sure. It didn't matter. One slight nudge from Katniss got me back into gear. I would have been standing here forever if it wasn't for her.

My friends and family smiled as I shoved everyone out of my way to burst through the door into Cato's room. He was awake already, sitting on the side of the bed, looking bewildered as a trio of doctors reassured him, flashed lights in his eyes, and checked his pulse. I was disappointed that mine was not the first face he saw when he woke, but he saw it now. His features registered disbelief and something more intense that I couldn't quite place. Desire? Desperation?

Haymitch was right behind me, motioning the doctors away. "Cato..." I breathed.

Cato straightened out slightly at my voice. Maybe he didn't even believe that it was me. As his eyes fully met mine I clasped my hand over my mouth. He looked terrible. Undoubtedly he had lost at least twenty pounds. Thirty-five at the most. He would have to be on a special diet for a while. There were deep bruises all around his eyes and cheeks - which were both sunken back into his head. There were cuts all along his face, over his eyebrows, and on his lips. Some were likely from his warning to Thirteen.

But all of those things could be fixed with time. "You're here..." I practically sobbed.

Surely he was feeling both desire and desperation, for he swept the doctors aside, leapt to his feet, and moved toward me at the same time that I rounded the table that he had been sitting on to see him. The both of us ran to meet each other, my arms extended to embrace him. Just touching him... that was all that I had wanted for so long. Now I finally got it. His hands were reaching for me, too, to caress my face, I thought.

The two of us stood only inches apart as I tried to wrap my arms back around his neck as they had done so many times before. My lips were just forming his name - and so many other things - when his fingers locked around my throat. At first I thought that maybe I was imagining it. Maybe something else was happening. Maybe he thought that this was a trick from the Capitol. I tried to open my mouth to reason with him that it really was me, but Cato was always much stronger than I gave him credit for.

Even now. His hands locked so tightly around my throat that I was unable to breathe as he shoved the both of us back into a glass care behind me, shattering it against my back. I felt the pricks from the shards but was unable to scream from the lack of breath. He pulled us back and shoved me down against one of the trays in the far corner of the room. Our momentum was so strong that it carried us over as we smacked onto the tile floor below. Cato rolled on top of me, pushing his fingers down into my throat.

"Cato!" Haymitch's voice called. "Cato! Get off! Get off of her!"

"Cato! Let go! It's Aspen!" Dean shouted.

From behind, Haymitch, Brutus, and Dean tried to grab him and pry him off of me. Haymitch's arms wrapped around Cato to drag him off of me, but his grip was so strong that he refused to release me, instead dragging me back to my feet. Cato threw a doctor back to his feet and shoved Haymitch back into one of the medical trays before reaching underneath my shoulder and slam me back down against the tile, throwing Dean and Brutus away from us.

His fingers were progressively getting tighter and tighter around my throat as my eyes began rolling back in my head. "Let go!" Haymitch shouted.

"Get off of her!" Brutus yelled.

"Cato, it's Aspen!" Dean barked.

Their voices began melding together as the three of them continued to pry Cato off of me. But they weren't working. Instead Cato's grip got tighter and tighter. I tried to kick him off of me, desperately praying that the entire thing was a dream, when my eyes began to roll back in my head and I began to pass out. It is the things we love most that destroy us. I could still hear Snow's laughter as Boggs brought down a tray over Cato's head, knocking him out. A moment later, I passed out alongside him.

A/N: Well Cato's back, but it's not the happy reunion that we were all hoping for. A lot will be explained in the next chapter, including the secret! Isn't that exciting? Thanks so much for the follows and favorites! Please review! Until next time -A