Ablaze

by awalkerlifeforme

Aspen Antaeus has escaped the Hunger Games twice. She has become the face of the rebellion against the Capitol. But there is one thing stopping her from assuming her role as the Mockingjay. Her husband, Cato Hadley, was left in the arena to die. But when Aspen is given proof that he lives on, she joins the fight. And she will not stop. Not until every inch of the Capitol is ablaze.

15. Chapter 15

My entire body seized up in horror as the nightmare wrapped itself further around my brain, ensnaring me in a never-ending night of panic. Eventually I managed to jolt myself awake and free myself from the confines of my own mind. As I shot upright in the cot, I practically threw myself onto the floor. I managed to steady myself at the edge of the bed, place my head at my knees, and count down from ten. I was just calming down when I realized that there was a figure in corner. A stab of fear sliced through me when I realized that it was Cato. He's here to kill you. Run.

My legs locked underneath me, ready to spring into a sprint at his slightest movement. But Cato walked towards me slowly, as if approaching a wounded animal. "Hey... it's okay," he said reassuringly. "Just a dream."

For a moment, I swore that I saw the old Cato. My husband. Was it real? Was he back? "Cato?" I asked cautiously, through heavy breaths.

"It's me," Cato said, seating himself at the edge of the bed. "Want to talk about it?"

"No," I said quickly.

Cato must have noted how defensive my positioning was. Legs tucked under me, muscles tightened, ready to take off at the slightest warning that something was wrong. He remained perched at the edge of the bed, not daring to move closer to me. I watched his fingers, waiting for the slightest hint that he might reach out and wrap them around my throat. But he made no indication that he would move to attack me. His eyes were his own again. Soft and caring and, dare I say it? Loving. Cautiously I shifted towards him a few inches. His fingertips gently worked through a strand of hair.

"You don't hate me?" I whispered.

Cato's eyes widened in shock. "Of course, I don't hate you. Why would you think that?" he asked.

"Y - You tried to kill me," I stammered.

A smirk worked its way across Cato's face. "Maybe a few years ago, I did," he teased. I continued to stare at him. "Aspen, I love you. It's all okay. It's just a dream. A bad dream."

Could that have been all that it was? Just a bad dream? One of my biggest nightmares in the world had been having to lose Cato. Especially since I didn't know how to live without him. But I needed to know. Was my mind playing tricks on me again? I looked into his crystal eyes and spotted my own reflection. Tired but alert. My eyes slowly trailed down towards my throat. I nodded, risking a smile to myself. There were no bruises. Whatever had happened between the two of us was just in my dream. He loved me. He never hadn't.

"Sorry. I'm sorry," I breathed. "It was so... lifelike..."

"I know. They usually are," Cato said. Sensing that I had relaxed slightly, Cato pulled me closer to him, clearly noticing that my hands cemented themselves in his shirt. "Are you sure that you don't want to talk about it?"

"I'm sure. I'm so happy to see you," I said happily.

"I'll always be right here. Always," Cato promised, his hand resting at my heart. He glanced down at me. I could see my watery eyes reflected in his own. "What is it?"

"In my dream..." I began, "I -"

Nothing more came out. I jumped wickedly when the door to our bedroom flung itself open. I would have collapsed back off of the bed had it not been for Cato. My first instinct was to grab my bow and shoot the intruder, but I quickly realized that I wouldn't hurt the figure that came dashing inside. Because I was more than a little surprised to see that it was a little girl. She looked just like me, blonde hair flowing behind her, but she had Cato's icy eyes. The little girl instantly jumped into the bed and curled up in Cato's lap. There were tear trails down her cheeks.

"Daddy," the little girl sobbed.

"What's wrong?" Cato asked her.

"I had a bad dream."

"Oh, yeah? What was the bad dream about?"

The softness of Cato's voice was alerting. I had never heard him like that before. Not even with me. The little girl shook her head at Cato before turning to face me. I realized, with a little jolt of my stomach, that the little girl was clearly my daughter. The one that I had just dreamed that I had lost. The one that I had never thought that I would want. Cato released the little girl, who instantly jumped up onto her knees, scooted across the bed, and curled up in my lap. I stiffened at her touch as Cato began running his fingers through her hair.

Just as I was trying to force myself to relax, Cato spoke again. "Emilia, did you tell mom about your game?"

"Not yet," Emilia said, sitting back up on her knees to face me. "Daddy took me into the woods today and taught me how to catch a bird. Want to hear?"

"Yeah," I managed to choke out.

Emilia, so clearly named for my late mother, leaned back and let out a three-tuned, four-note, whistle. For a moment I didn't understand. It took me a while to place. That was when it dawned on me. It was the same tune that Rue had shown me so long ago in that first arena. The one that they let the Mockingjay's pick up. The same one that had become my theme during the rebellion. A warning that the Mockingjay was near. I must have taught it to my own daughter at some point. Did I tell her where the whistle had come from? How I'd learned it?

"And it works?" I asked.

Emilia nodded as Cato stood from the bed. "Come on, munchkin," Cato said, holding a hand out to Emilia. "Let's go to bed."

"Daddy -" Emilia groaned.

"Wait," I interrupted, pulling them back. "Let her stay."

Cato turned back to me in surprise. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

Slowly Cato turned back to the bed and laid down next to me. The three of us all moved towards the pillows to tuck ourselves in. I laid down against Cato's chest, so relieved to feel his touch again, as Emilia placed herself between the two of us. Her back was against my front as she curled into me. Nervously, after laying there for a few minutes, I began to stroke back her blonde hair. I could feel Cato's fingertips tracing patterns over my back as Emilia began to drift off. Once I was sure that she was asleep, I laid a hand over her stomach protectively.

It took just a few minutes for Emilia to fall back asleep from whatever nightmare that she had been having earlier. Once I was sure that she wouldn't wake up, I glanced up at Cato. He had been looking at both of us. His spare arm reached over Emilia to pull me in for a gentle kiss. We stayed far enough away from each other to make sure that we didn't wake up our daughter. Who I had been so sure that I had lost long before I had even gotten used to having her. As we pulled away from each other, I smiled at Cato. He raised a brow playfully at me.

"She's beautiful," I commented, the words getting stuck in my throat.

"She looks like her mother. Looks a lot like her grandmother too," Cato said. I gave him a small and slightly teary smile. Things were so right, for once. Cato gave me a concerned look. "Aspen... are you sure that you're alright?"

"Just had some really terrible nightmares tonight," I said.

"They're just nightmares. Look at me," Cato said. I turned towards him. "I will always love you."

Each one of his words held a protective nature behind them. I sniffled slightly. "I know," I breathed. No one could ever take that love away. "I -"

"Aspen?"

My eyes shot open. For a moment, everything was still dark. Then figures and shapes began forming in the dark room. I was momentarily surprised to see myself down on the floor on top of a small and rotting cot in the spare bedroom that Katniss and I were sharing for the night. My dream world shattered around me as I realized that Katniss was staring down at me, not Cato. It was a dream. Of course. Katniss looked more than a little concerned about me, as she had been for the past couple of weeks. She pulled back from me to sit upright. I followed her movements.

"What?" I asked, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

"Having a bad dream?" Katniss asked carefully.

"Was I thrashing around?"

"Not really. You actually looked kind of content," Katniss said. I nodded blankly. "But you kept mumbling something."

"His name?" I asked.

"Something else."

"Oh. Sorry."

Katniss shook her head, letting me know that it didn't matter that I had woken her up. I could only assume that I had likely been muttering Emilia. Even if Katniss had understood me, she wouldn't comment on it. She had been very careful speaking to me about everything. Cato was very rarely mentioned between the two of us. Only when Katniss would rouse me from a nightmare and I would ask if I was saying his name, as I had been known to do. I had said Cato's name out loud less than five times since arriving. But there was one thing that I had spoken even less about.

Just moments after negotiating with Coin my departure to District 2, Seneca had found me. He knew all of my hiding spots, which was exactly where I had gone until I had been allowed to leave. There was no one that I wanted to see or speak to. Of course, he had never cared much for leaving me alone. Especially not now, when so many people thought that it was better that I wasn't alone. Seneca had tracked me down behind the boiler and given me the confirmation that I needed. He had handed me over the medical file that was almost immediately tossed back at him.

All I needed to see was the tiny plus sign next to the medical terminology that I didn't understand. It was enough for me to realize that I had, indeed been pregnant during the Quarter Quell. The tracker had been able to pick up the slightest traces of the pregnancy hormone in my body by the second day of the competition. According to Seneca, I couldn't have been more than ten or so days along. He had mentioned that, if not for how advanced technology in the Capitol was, I would have never even known. I likely wouldn't have known myself for another week or two, at least.

Needless to say, Snow and the rest of the Gamemakers had been shocked at the revelation that I really was pregnant. Even though Cato had played the entire thing off like it was a lie, it turned out to have been the truth. There was actual proof. Because of that, Snow had deliberately withheld any true proof of my pregnancy. According to Seneca, it was to keep what he hoped was some shadow of doubt over me. He wanted people to not believe my story. He wanted them to have doubts that I really was pregnant. Which would have made sense, since I had always given off an innocent air.

They would have had every right to doubt my truthfulness. As it had all turned out, Snow had allowed me to play the miscarriage card. I had always been so surprised that no one had spilled the truth that would have caused me to lose audience sympathy. That was why. Mostly because proof could have easily leaked that I was pregnant from the doctors in Thirteen. So, Snow had decided to let that one play out, knowing that giving actual proof (rather than just my word) would have earned me even more sympathy throughout the Districts.

As it turned out, very few people actually knew the truth of my situation. In the Capitol, Snow and the Gamemakers (and likely some of his inner team) knew. Back in Thirteen, Haymitch, Seneca, Plutarch, Beetee, and Coin were some of the few. Plus, the doctors who cared for me after the electrical blast - all of whom had been sworn to secrecy. Cato had obviously been told at some point while he was being held in the Capitol. It had come as a complete shock to everyone else. Very few people had even realized that the two of us had been intimate.

Katniss and Ms. Everdeen were the only ones who had. But I had promised both of them that we would be safe. I had really thought that we were being safe. So had Cato. He had promised me that we were being perfectly safe. But I supposed that, with both of us thinking that we were going to die in a matter of days, neither one of us had been concerned with potentially conceiving. We had just been trying to have a few last days of love and fun before we died. Too much fun, as it seemed. This was what I had paid for those few days of fun.

Despite trying to ignore them, I knew that a lot of people were upset by the news that I had really lost a baby. With Cato's shout and the big mouths in the hospital wing, news traveled fast around Thirteen. I had left the District just after news broke to try and avoid having to talk about it with anyone. Prim and Ms. Everdeen had both called almost immediately after Katniss (who refused to let me leave alone) and I had headed to District 2. They hadn't said much other than to let me know that they were willing to listen if I wanted to talk or just cry.

They had never mentioned the baby or anything else. They merely offered to just lend an ear. Which was much appreciated, but I wasn't planning on taking them up on it. I didn't want to talk about what had happened back in the hospital wing or in the bedrooms of the Tribute Center. Katniss had never dared ask me about it, other than to ask if it was the truth. I had told her that I didn't know for sure (which I hadn't when she had asked), but the timing would have worked out.

As it turned out, neither Finnick nor Johanna knew the truth. Not in the Quell and not immediately after. None of the Tributes had known the truth. Effie and Fulvia hadn't know. The Prep Team didn't know. But they had woken Cato and I up that morning of the Interviews; we had been naked. They must have known. Apparently, they had all been inconsolable from the news. I knew how they felt. But I was perfectly happy without them knowing. Because now there were so many questions that constantly ran through my mind.

Was it a boy or a girl? Which one would I have preferred it to be? Did I have a preference? Would Cato have made a good father? Actually, that one I knew. He would have. Would I have made a good mother? That one I didn't know. What would our little family have been like? I had never wanted kids before, but to know that I had been so close to having one with the love of my life only to lose it after I had already lost everything else... It had devastated me in ways that I hadn't even known were possible.

When I had been brought into District 13, I had been rushed to the hospital wing. For the first few days I had passed in and out of consciousness a lot. Tests had been performed on me almost immediately to determine any damage that had been done by the blast. That was when the doctors had discovered the truth and had then told those closest to me. Seneca had voted to tell me. Haymitch, Plutarch, Coin, and Beetee had agreed that I was too weak to know the truth. The information was deliberately withheld from my friends and family for fear that they would tell me the truth.

All of my friends had seemed as shocked about the entire thing as I was. I was glad that I didn't have to see Prim or Ms. Everdeen's faces. I had a feeling that they would hurt me even more. I had desperately tried to avoid Cato's family and friends since the news had broken. They had apparently wanted to speak with me after it had come out but the doctors had advised them to stay away and allow me to process the news. The news that I, just like my own parents, had almost become a young mother. But unlike them, my child had been taken away from me.

Haymitch had contacted me more than anyone else and, just a few days ago, I had had it out with him. He had been constantly trying to get me to admit that I was upset about it. He wanted me to open up about it. But I had merely shouted myself mute for a few hours over it. Screaming that he should have told me and that I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I just wanted to forget about it until I could die. That was the last time that Haymitch had tried to get me to talk about it. He had left me alone about it since.

It turned out that I had done some serious damage to my vocal chords from my shout back in the hospital wing. I'd known that I had, considering that I had been swallowing blood afterwards. The doctors in Two had to do some type of surgery to fix what I had ruptured as soon as I had arrived. I'd been put under and allowed to rest the next day as visitors came to welcome me. The doctors in Thirteen had wanted to do the surgery there (since they knew me and my history) but I had refused. I'd wanted to leave as soon as possible.

So, with those thought in mind, Katniss and I had come to District 2 with some of Cato's family. They had refused to not be allowed along. I wasn't surprised. It was their home. But I was surprised that they were still being warned to give me some space. Dean, Damien, Skye, Julie (whose foot had healed since District 8), Felix, and Marcus were all here. I always saw their longing stares, but they never made a move to speak to me. Felix and Marcus were being permanently relocated to District 2. I knew that they would be happier here. Even Brutus was back in Two for the time being.

Even Brutus was leaving me alone these days. I was grateful for it. I assumed that even he realized that I was too fragile to hear any jokes right now. Not after everything that I had been through over the past few weeks. In fact, he gave me mostly reassuring looks each time that the two of us passed each other in the streets. Perhaps we were finally getting around to being friends. Or, if not friends, allies. Perhaps he had finally realized that I loved Cato as much and more than he did. We both cared for him. We were both hurt without him here.

During the rare times that I managed to pull myself together long enough to interact with the residents of District 2, I tried to put on a brave face. In the end, it was very difficult to tell if the people here genuinely liked or hated me. Probably a little bit of both. Many of them had loved the Games and had been infuriated when Cato had abandoned Clove for me, thus ultimately leading to this miserable end to the Games. People spent a lot of time trying to tell me stories about Cato's childhood in Two, but they only broke my heart for two very different reasons.

Just like at the hospital in District 8, people seemed genuinely heartbroken to tell me that they were sorry that I had lost the baby. Even those who didn't seem to like me weren't happy to hear about my loss. It was harder now than it was in Eight because I realized that it was the truth. There was no lying about it this time. My tears and choked sobs were real. Just as their grief for me was. There were still a number of people who didn't seem to care one way or another. Many seemed to tell me that they were sorry simply because it was the right thing to do.

Most of the rebel forces in District 2 were made up of Cato's friends and family. The ones who knew the torture that the Games put people through. There were also a number of fighters who had lost close friends and family members to the Games. The ones who understood the loss and pain that Snow had put us all through. The others were primarily made up of the lower-class stone cutters. It was one of the only things that Damien had said to me since arriving in District 2. The wealthy were apparently still the primary forces fighting against the rebels.

Unfortunately, word had now gotten out to those in District 2 that we had rescued Cato from the Capitol. I had tried to put on a brave face and tell all those who were worried that he was okay. Just recovering from his ordeal over the past few weeks. I continuously tried to reassure them that he would be alright and back home in Two soon enough. At Plutarch's suggestion when I had been on my way to Two, there was no mention of the hijacking. Cato's alliance to me was half of the reason that there were as many District 2 rebels as there were.

The kids liked to hang around me a lot, which wouldn't have normally bothered me. But right now, I so desperately wanted them to leave me alone. Not that I said that. I merely let them tell me about how much they loved Cato being around while they were growing up. It hurt me to hear just how happy he used to be in District 2. Especially now that he could barely function without getting furious over the mere memory of me or aggravation over his constant confusion. I had destroyed everything for him.

"Ready to go?" Katniss's voice echoed.

I broke away from my thoughts, turning to stare at her. "Do we have a plan today?" I asked.

"Not really," Katniss said. There was never anything on our schedules. We merely did whatever we could. "Anything that you want to do?"

Yes... There was actually one thing that I wanted to do. "Let's go on a tour of the District."

"Should I call one of the camera crews to go with us?"

Normally the camera crews in District 2 would come with us to film short propos. Show the Capitol people that we weren't going to simply give up. We might not have had District 2 in our pockets just yet, but we were working on it. It also showed that I was still active in my role as the Mockingjay, since I was almost constantly in the Mockingjay armor. The one thing that I could constantly think was that Snow must have been seeing me. He must have known that I wasn't dead. His trick with Cato hadn't worked and I wasn't giving up on my mission to kill him.

"No. No, I only want you to come with me," I said determinedly.

With everything that I needed to do right now, I couldn't have the camera crews following me around. "Alright, let's go," Katniss said.

"Hang on," I said, placing my hand in front of her stomach. "Get changed."

"Why?"

"We're too recognizable like this."

"Okay."

Katniss didn't have the same armor that I did, but she was wearing something similar. People knew who she was as well as they knew me. Right now, I didn't want anyone potentially following us. The two of us grabbed sets of simple civilian clothes - which we used whenever we went out into public. I was perfectly content in my simple clothes. I felt stupid walking around in the Mockingjay armor anyway. Katniss and I pulled our hair out of the braids that they were in, even further obscuring our identities. Without our weapons, most people wouldn't recognize us.

District 2 was a large District, as one might expect, composed of a series of villages spread across the mountains. Each was originally associated with a mine or quarry, although now, many were devoted to the housing and training of Peacekeepers. None of that would present much of a challenge, since the rebels had Thirteen's air power on their side, except for one thing: At the center of the District was a virtually impenetrable mountain that housed the heart of the Capitol's military.

Cato had once told me about it. The village that Cato had lived in (before ultimately moving to Victor's Village) was one of the closer villages to the base of the mountain. It housed some of the richest civilians of District 2. Apparently, the mountain had been where the toughest Peacekeepers and soldiers worked and trained. But the majority of the mountain was set aside for civilian workers - much like the old mines in District 12. The District 2 workers managed the mountain. It reminded me very much of the mines that Mr. Everdeen and Mr. Hawthorne had died in.

We never spoke about it, but I knew that Katniss was thinking the same thing that I was. The mountain reminded me almost painfully of the mines. I was terrified to ever set foot in it, which I knew that we would eventually have to do if we wanted to take the mountain and then move to the Capitol. We had nicknamed the mountain the Nut since I had relayed Plutarch's 'tough nut to crack' comment to the weary and discouraged rebel leaders here. It was perhaps one of the most useful things that I had done since arriving here.

The Nut was established directly after the Dark Days, when the Capitol had lost Thirteen and was desperate for a new underground stronghold. They had some of their military resources situated on the outskirts of the Capitol itself - nuclear missiles, aircraft, troops - but a significant chunk of their power was now under an enemy's control. Not that they had ever told any of the rest of the Districts. We had all been left to believe that they were the most powerful. Of course, there was no way they could hope to replicate Thirteen, which was the work of centuries.

However, in the old mines of nearby District 2, they saw opportunity. From the air, the Nut appeared to be just another mountain with a few entrances on its faces. According to Cato, it was to keep the other Districts from starting to get concerned over how powerful they were. The Capitol allowed them to show off the mountain as a mere border between itself and the Capitol. But inside the mountain were vast cavernous spaces where slabs of stones had been cut, hauled to the surface, and transported down slippery narrow roads to make distant buildings.

To my surprise, there was even a train system to facilitate transporting the miners from the Nut to the very center of the main town in District 2. It ran right to the square that Cato and I visited during the Victory Tour, standing on the wide marble steps of the Justice Building, trying not to look too closely at Clove's grieving family and all those who felt that they had been robbed of a real Victor assembled below us. It was part of the reason that I couldn't bear to go too close to the mountain. I couldn't be there without remembering what had led us here.

It was not the most ideal terrain, plagued as it was by mudslides, floods, and avalanches. I had never realized that District 2 had so many problems before. But even Cato had mentioned it to me during the Victory Tour. They were still one of the Districts. Treated much better than the rest of us, but still not as favored as the people in the Capitol. The mountain might have been dangerous, but the advantages outweighed the concerns. As they'd cut deep into the mountain, the miners had left large pillars and walls of stone to support the infrastructure.

The Capitol had reinforced these and set about making the mountain their new military base. Filling it with computer banks and meeting rooms, barracks and arsenals. Widening entrances to allow the exit of hovercraft from the hangar, installing missile launchers. But on the whole, leaving the exterior of the mountain largely unchanged. A rough, rocky tangle of trees and wildlife. A natural fortress to protect them from their enemies. It wasn't until the beginning of the rebellion that we had realized what the Nut truly was.

By the other Districts' standards, the Capitol babied the inhabitants here. Just by looking at the District 2 rebels, you could tell they were decently fed and cared for in childhood. Some did end up as quarry and mine workers. Others were educated for jobs in the Nut or funneled into the ranks of Peacekeepers. Trained young and hard for combat. The Hunger Games were an opportunity for wealth and a kind of glory not seen elsewhere. Just the way that Cato had been. It was mere coincidence that Cato's family had ended up in more laborious jobs.

That wasn't to say that they hadn't trained. Each one of his family members had trained for the Games in some way or another. Alana had been a stay-at-home mother, as had Carrie. But they had both trained with knives. Damien was a stone-cutter. So was Dean. They had trained for the Games, too. Dean had so nearly been a Tribute, as had Dean. The rest of the members had been kids with the exception of Cato. He had been a Victor. No job would have ever suited him other than being a sword trainer for the kids. Each and every one of them had still been advantaged beyond belief.

Of course, the people of Two swallowed the Capitol's propaganda more easily than the rest of us. Embraced their ways. Cato and Clove, Glimmer and Marvel; they had all been thrilled to be here. They learned too late what the Games meant. Once they were already dead. I remembered Cato telling me that it wasn't worth it at the end of the first Games. All of that training had been for nothing. In the end, they fought and died in the Games, no different than any of the rest of us. Just disillusioned.

For all that training that they did over the years, all of the confidence that they had, at the end of the day, they were still slaves. Even more so than perhaps we were in the outlying Districts. At least we knew that we were slaves. In Two, it had taken the rebellion for them to realize and some still didn't. If all that was lost on the citizens who became Peacekeepers or worked in the Nut, it was not lost on the stone cutters who formed the backbone of the resistance here. Or the loved ones of those who had learned too late what the Games really meant.

Things stood in District 2 as they did when I arrived two weeks ago. The outer villages were in rebel hands, the town divided, and the Nut was as untouchable as ever. Cato's own home was as torn as the rest of the Districts. Some despised me and the rebellion. Others supported it and were sick of losing their loved ones. The few entrances of the Nut were heavily fortified, its heart safely enfolded in the mountain. While every other District had now wrested control from the Capitol, Two remained in its pocket.

It wasn't surprising in the slightest. Everyone knew that things were very torn here and I was only making that divide stronger. I just wished that Cato was here to convince the people who weren't easily convinced to fight back against the people in the Capitol. But he was lost to me. Wishing for him was useless. All he would do was try to kill me for everyone to see. It was better just to tell people that he was back in Thirteen and undergoing extensive rehabilitation from his ordeal in the Capitol - which wasn't necessarily a lie.

Each day, I did whatever I could to help. Even if it felt like it was barely anything. Visit the wounded. Tape short propos with my camera crew. They had come with me to Thirteen, but I didn't see them much when it wasn't official filming time. I wasn't allowed in actual combat for safety measures, but they invited me to the meetings on the status of the war, which was a lot more than they did in Thirteen. I didn't understand much of what they were saying, but it was freeing to think that I now had a real part in the war. It was much better here.

Freer, no schedules on my arm, fewer demands on my time. I lived above ground in the rebel villages or surrounding caves. For safety's sake, I was relocated often. During the day, Katniss and I had been given clearance to hunt as long as we took a guard along and didn't stray too far. The people in Two seemed to be grateful for a change in the dried food that they had been having lately. I knew what fresh meat could do for someone. In the thin, cold mountain air, I felt some physical strength returning, my mind clearing away the rest of the fogginess.

It was the first time in months that I felt like I might have been able to actually understand what was happening. I could understand exactly what it was that I had lost. I knew what was happening in Two and the rest of the Districts. I was aware of what was happening in the Capitol. The entire war finally made sense to me. For the first time since I had been dragged from the arena in the Quell, everything made sense to me. The only unfortunate thing was that with this mental clarity came an even sharper awareness of what had been done to Cato.

Snow had stolen him from me, twisted him beyond recognition, and made me a present of him. Boggs, who came to Two when I did, told me that even with all the plotting, it was a little too easy to rescue Cato. I knew what he meant. That attack had been too easy. They could have easily cut them off and killed them. Boggs believed if Thirteen hadn't made the effort, Cato would've been delivered to me anyway. Dropped off in an actively warring District or perhaps Thirteen itself. Tied up with ribbons and tagged with my name. Programmed to murder me.

Memories of him were constantly in my mind. All of the nights that we had spent comforted in each other. His arms wrapped around my body, protecting me from the horrors of the night. I remembered all of the sweet words that he had told me throughout the past year. All of the many times that he had reassured me throughout our relationship. All of those many things that I had lost. The mere knowledge that I had lost the only person that had always believed the best in me.

It was only now that he had been corrupted that I could fully appreciate the real Cato. Even more than I would've if he'd died. The kindness, the steadiness, the warmth that had an unexpected heat behind it. I had finally lost that man that believed that I could do no wrong. And I knew that I had never fully appreciated him. I deserved to have lost him, even though it broke my heart. Outside of Prim, Katniss, my mother, and Gale, how many people in the world loved me unconditionally? I think in my case; the answer may now have been none.

Not even the people who had once promised me that they would always be there for me. Cato's family. Damien and Alana had lost their son. He might have been here in body, but he would never come back in mind. They knew that they had lost their son. Carrie and Dean were clearly having a hard time getting over what had been done to him, as was Aidan. As for Marley, she would never know the big cousin that I had taken from her. First Leah and now Cato. Between the two of them and District Two's status, I knew that it had really strained my relationship with Cato's family.

Brokenhearted, desperate to forget all of the pain that my relationship with Cato had caused, I had removed the wedding ring from my finger. It clearly didn't go unnoticed by Katniss. She had stared at the pale band of skin around my ring finger but said nothing. I was simply waiting for the pale strip of skin to tan like the rest of me. Erasing just a little bit more of the relationship. The wedding ring hadn't been tossed, though. It now rested with his own wedding band on the chain around my neck. A simple reminder that there was real love in my life at one point.

Sometimes when I was alone, I took the pearl from where it lived in my pocket and tried to remember the boy with the never-ending love, the strong arms that warded off nightmares on the train, and the kisses both in and out of the arena. Those nights spent in bed together. The strong Career that had been willing to do anything to protect the one person that had the potential to make him weak. I remembered all of those moments that we had shared in the dead of the night. That life that I had been so relieved to find.

As I would stare at the ring in the middle of the night, I tried to make myself put a name to the thing I had lost. But I still wasn't sure what it was. Yes, he was my husband. But it still didn't completely feel like it. What were we? I didn't know. I didn't have an exact name for what the two of us had been. In the end, what was the use? It was gone. He was gone. Whatever existed between us was gone. Our potential family was gone. All that was left was my promise to kill Snow. I had to tell myself that at least ten times a day.

Back in Thirteen, Cato's rehabilitation continued. Every moment of every day a highly trained team of mental specialists and doctors worked on every angle of Cato's recovery. Even though I didn't ask, Plutarch gave me cheerful updates on the phone each time something happened with Cato's recovery. Some of my favorites had been 'Good news, Aspen! I think we've almost got him convinced you're not a mutt!' Even better was when Plutarch told me 'Today he was allowed to feed himself pudding!'

Allowed to feed himself... Thinking that I wasn't a mutt... We were far away from those two lovesick kids who had spent the day together tangled in themselves up on the rooftop of the Training Center. They were gone and they were never coming back. Katniss always sat with me whenever Plutarch started telling me about Cato's recovery - a term that I liked to use lightly. The least that I could do was listen to how things were going, even though I didn't want to know. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything between us.

It was too hard to listen to the hope in Plutarch's voice every time that he spoke to me. Mostly because I was so sure that he would never be back to normal. Any bit of hope was just something that would get destroyed later. It wasn't worth it. Whenever Haymitch would get on the video chat after Plutarch would say goodbye, he admitted that Cato was no better. It didn't surprise me. I was sure that he would never be back to normal. The only real - but still dubious - ray of hope had come from Prim.

"Prim came up with the idea of trying to hijack him back," Haymitch told me one day.

"What's that mean?" I asked.

"Bring up the distorted memories of you and then give him a big dose of a calming drug, like morphling."

A slight concern shot through me. "Won't that be dangerous?" I asked. Another freak-out would just set them back again. "Most of those were of me fighting. That would send him into some kind of panic."

"We can't use most of them. We're only working with videos of the two of you talking. More friends than lovers," Haymitch explained.

"There can't be many of those," I growled.

"There aren't," Haymitch said.

"Which ones are you using?" I asked.

When had the two of us talked without becoming lovers or at least flirting? I couldn't think of any. "We've only tried it on one memory. The tape of the two of you in the cave, when you told him that story about getting Prim the goat," Haymitch explained.

Right... He had asked me to tell him a story that day in the arena. "Any improvement?" I asked.

The two of us had just been very friendly that day. We were getting to know each other. Trying to be friends, not lovers. Not at that moment. "Well, if extreme confusion is an improvement over extreme terror, then yes," Haymitch said. I arched a brow. What did that mean? "But I'm not sure it is. He lost the ability to speak for several hours. Went into some sort of stupor. When he came out, the only thing he asked about was the goat."

A horrible searing pain shot through my chest. I remembered that day well. Sometimes I dreamed of it. I had gone out and gotten soup for us that morning after Cato had let me sleep for almost an entire day. We had chatted back and forth for hours, exchanging stories and small talk. When he asked me to tell him a story, he had seemed so peaceful. The day was so nice. No deaths. But I did remember that look that he had given me when I had refused to admit that we had gotten Prim the goat just to make her happy. Was that the part that he remembered?

"Right," I said.

Katniss laid a hand on my shoulder. "That's still an improvement, Aspen."

"I guess," I mumbled.

"What about his family?" Katniss asked Haymitch.

"They allowed Skye to talk to him the other day," Haymitch said.

My head shot up from my lap. "How'd that go?" I asked.

"For a while, it went pretty well. They were talking like old friends," Haymitch said. My heart dropped. For a while... "Then Cato mentioned her sister. Before Skye got the chance to tell him that she had been killed in an air raid, he -"

"We don't need to hear. I think we know how this story ends," Katniss interrupted him.

We all knew what had happened. Of course, the same thing had happened that had happened every time before it. He had lost his mind over me all over again. Skye's sister had been a Victor years before Cato and I had ever won the Games. We hadn't mentioned her much, but clearly Skye's sister had been killed already. Cato must have thought that her death was my fault. Why knew? Maybe it was my fault that she was dead. I didn't care to ask Skye what had happened. The guilt would only get even worse if I knew that it was my fault.

"How's it out there?" Haymitch asked.

"No forward motion," I told him.

"We're sending out a team to help with the mountain. Beetee and some of the others. You know, the brains," Haymitch said.

"Okay."

"Seneca would like to speak with you," Haymitch said.

It wasn't surprising. "Okay." I turned towards Katniss and said, "Give us a second?"

"Sure. I'll wait outside," Katniss said.

"Thanks."

On the camera, Haymitch headed off, probably back to a meeting with Coin and the others. As Katniss walked off, the camera jostled around for a moment before Seneca appeared. "Good morning, Aspen," Seneca greeted.

"Hey," I said.

"How are you feeling today?"

"I'm alright."

The two of us remained in silence before Seneca said, "You've been oddly quiet recently."

It was enough to send a spike of anger through me. "What do I really have to say? Everyone that knew lied to me. You tried to tell me the truth. You wanted to tell me the truth but you thought that Haymitch should have been the one. Which I understand. But one of you should have told me. I had the right to know," I snapped.

"No one knew if you could handle it," Seneca reasoned.

"Of course, I couldn't," I scoffed. "But I still should have known. It shouldn't have been thrown on me like that."

"You're right."

The last way that it should have come out was having Cato yell that I had killed his child in a rage-induced haze. "Does he really understand what happened?" I asked curiously.

"In a way. We can't explain it to him. Those memories are all too closely tied in with the hijacking," Seneca explained.

If he even thought that I had done it purposely - if that was what Snow had told him - he would never be able to get over it. "Tell me the truth. Do you think he'll ever be the same?" I asked sharply.

"No," Seneca said. My heart sank. "But I don't think that either one of you will ever be the same. You're not those two kids who came into the first Games. You're not the lovers of the Quell. You're two young adults who were dragged through something far too complicated for them. You won't ever go back to those two kids that said 'I volunteer.' But I believe that, in time, the two of you can grow back together. But you have to give us time to work on him."

Long ago I had come to the conclusion that I would never again be that young girl that had volunteered for Prim. I would never sit in the Hob and laugh carelessly with Katniss and Gale again. I would never go running through the woods, scaring off all of the animals. Katniss would never yell at me for my careless nature again. Gale would never call me Tiger again - a word that had once been so weightless. A word that now reminded me of another lifetime. Like whenever I started thinking of that old life, I felt a stab of longing for someone's company. Anyone's.

"I don't think I've ever been this lonely," I muttered.

"You're not alone," Seneca said.

"Feels that way.

"Remember who loves you. Your mother, Katniss and her family, Gale and his family, Cato's family, Haymitch, many of the rebels, and I do."

"Unconditionally?" I shot back.

"You might be surprised. Remember something, Aspen. You're only twenty years old. Barely. You have time. You have time to have a husband and a family. Your life isn't over yet. Not even close," Seneca said.

He was right about that. I was only twenty. Still practically a baby myself. There were still many years for me to have a life. So, why did it always feel like I was ancient? Why did it feel like there was a clock counting down the moments until I dropped dead? Perhaps because I was waiting for it. Just like that clock in the jungle, ticking away the hours of my life. Only this time, I was the clock. Counting down until I was ready to kill Snow and die for it. Tick tock...

"I can't believe that I was that careless," I huffed suddenly.

This always would have been horrible, but that particular loss of life made things even worse. "You thought - you intended for yourself to die. No one can fault you for that," Seneca said.

"If I'd known maybe I -"

"Wouldn't have shot that arrow? Thrown the entire plan into disarray? Gotten yourself stuck in that arena? Both of you would have been executed. The rebellion wouldn't have a ground to stand on."

Unwilling to speak about it any further I said, "I think they need me for something."

Seneca knew that I was lying, but he nodded his consent anyway. "Okay. We'll talk soon."

"Yeah."

"Goodbye, Aspen."

As per usual, I didn't actually say goodbye. I had merely shut off the camera. That had been a few days ago and that was the last time that I had spoken to either one of them. Everyone had agreed that I needed some time to be alone. As I walked out of the stronghold, I waved goodbye and thanked the people who had agreed to keep me overnight - an older couple. I chatted with them for a moment, trying to be as upbeat as possible, before heading off with Katniss. The two of us barely made it three steps before running straight into my guards. Tick and Tock, as I had named them.

"Where are you headed?" Tick asked.

He was only discernable from his twin brother by the scar underneath his right eye from a bombing in Two a few weeks ago. "To Victor's Village," I answered.

"It hasn't been cleared," Tock said.

"Well I'm going there anyways," I said stubbornly.

"We can't allow that," Tick said.

"I wasn't aware that I was asking your permission," I said.

"Soldier -"

"Is this really worth an argument?" Katniss interrupted Tock, rolling her eyes at the argument. "Let us go to Victor's Village. What's the harm? You can wait on the outskirts. We have the pagers with us if you need to let us know that something's coming."

"This wasn't in the agreement," Tick growled.

"Let the girl go," Tock said.

"Something you need there?" Tick asked me.

It was only something that I would know when we saw it. "Maybe," I muttered.

The twins looked at each other before nodding their consent. "Come on then," Tock ordered.

They didn't look happy with me disturbing their plans, but I didn't care. There was something that I needed to see. Without saying another word to each other, or warning anyone else of what we were doing, Katniss, Tick, Tock, and I headed towards Victor's Village. I hadn't been in the small part of town since arriving in District 2 for fear that it was being occupied by Capitol loyalists. It currently stood empty but the risk was too great for me to be considered to even go there. It was a dangerous move, but I didn't care. I needed to go there and I couldn't have the cameras watching.

It took us almost ten minutes to arrive. District 2 was much more spread out than District 12 - even without the spans of woods that surrounded my home. When we walked in, I noticed that it was much better cared for than ours had been. Much larger, too. Extra houses had been built for the overabundance of Victors from Two. I didn't speak as we walked towards the fountain at the entrance of the Village - a mirror image of the one in Twelve. I merely headed towards the first of the houses. Like the rest of them, it seemed to be abandoned. I glanced around in silence, wondering which one was Cato's.

"Wait there," I ordered Tick and Tock.

They didn't like being bossed around by me, but it was their job both to escort and listen to me. "Yes, ma'am," they both said.

As we walked further into the Village, Katniss offered, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Check that side, will you?" I asked numbly.

I didn't need to tell her what I wanted. She already knew. "Okay. Give me a shout if you need something."

"You too."

Even if she didn't find Cato's house, she would likely dawdle, knowing that this was something that I needed to do alone. If she did find it, she would likely yell for me and then leave me to my devices. The first home that I walked through was Brutus's. I arched a brow curiously as I walked through. He was such a secretive man. In every way. Even his own home had nothing homey about it. It was all white and black furnishings. No pictures. Nothing to signify that he'd ever even had any visitors. The only way that I knew it was his was a single picture of him, many years younger, wearing the Victor's crown.

The temptation to further search his old home was overwhelming, but there was something else that I was here for. So, I left Brutus's home with a promise to myself to learn more about the Victor. The second home belonged to an older Victor. She had participated in one of the Thirtieth or so Games. I remembered seeing her tapes as we prepared for the Quarter Quell. A skilled scythe user and, evidently, a grandmother. There were four little children in a picture with her. Were they dead? Was she dead? I left the house without another thought and wandered into the next.

The moment that I entered, there was no doubt in my mind. It was the home that I had been looking for. It was the Hadley's. I wandered through the home for a few minutes, spotting all of the photographs that were hung on the walls and sitting on the tables. They looked so happy in each of them. I was almost halfway through the bottom level when something dawned on me. The walls were blue. Cato's favorite color. The same color that his parents had gotten sick of because there had been so much of it. Evidently, they didn't hate it that much.

It was painfully obvious just how close the family had been. In all of the pictures, there were at least two of the family members sitting together. All of the kids together for what appeared to be a forced photo. The parents and adults all laughing around a dinner table. The kids playing together in the yard. The parents holding the kids. It was the sweetest thing that I had ever seen. There was barely an inch of the walls that weren't covered in some type of photograph. The entire family had been so happy right up until I had smashed headfirst into it.

Halfway through the main level, a particular picture of Cato's family stood out to me. It was one that I had never seen before. The entire family was perched around a couch that appeared to have been in his old home. The kids were sitting on the couch while the adults were standing behind it. A rare smile appeared on my face when I realized that Leah was in the center of the picture. She was sitting propped up on Cato's lap, smiling broadly and giggling. It looked like it had been taken a few days before the first Reaping. They all looked so... happy.

Right next to that photo was a framed one of Cato and I's wedding. I placed the one of his family back down on the table softly before picking up the wedding photograph. The two of us appeared to be locked in our first dance - similar to the photograph that I had in my home at Twelve. Cato's head was down next to my ear and I seemed to be giggling at something he had said. What was it? I didn't remember. My heart gave a horrible tinge at the sight of us. The two of us would never be those two happy kids again.

"I had a feeling that you'd make your way here eventually."

Slamming the photograph back down on the table, I whirled around to come face to face with Dean. "Thought I'd be here alone," I muttered.

It had been days since I had last seen Dean. "I've been hanging out around here for the past few days. Quieter here without all of the noise from the Academy, you know," Dean explained. I stared blankly, waiting for him to say what he wanted. "I've been waiting to see when you would get out here."

"Just wanted to... see it..." I muttered dumbly.

Dean looked around, a sad gaze in his eyes. "Yeah. I know how you feel."

"Is it hard being back here?"

"In a way. It's good to be back home. But there are a lot of memories here."

"Trust me, I understand."

The two of us stared at each other for a moment before I looked away. Dean seemed to finally notice where my gaze had been before. "That picture was taken the day after Cato got back home," he explained.

"Oh, I thought this was from before the Games," I muttered.

He looked exactly as he had in the Games. But he was smiling. That was why I'd thought that it was from before. "No. It was taken the day after his return. We were standing in front of the television and watching you reunite with your family. It was a nice day. Cato looked so happy that you were finally back home," Dean said.

"I was," I whispered, remembering the loving embraces on the platform. "I hope he gets to come home one day."

"With you?" Dean asked curiously.

We were far past that. "No. He hates me. He deserves so much better than me," I mumbled.

Something flashed in Dean's eyes. "Can I tell you a story?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders, which he took for a yes. "It was a few days after he came back home. We were in the process of moving into the new house. Cato and my mother were in the kitchen. I was walking around when I overheard them. Stopped and listened in on the conversation for a while."

Fifteen Months Earlier...

Dean was wandering back and forth throughout the new house in Victor's Village. He had seen them a thousand times before and even been in one once or twice, but he had never actually imagined that he would own one. Not after he had given up his spot as a volunteer in the Games to stay home with Carrie. But Cato had won his Games just a few years later and now the entire family lived in Victor's Village. The air was excitable as everyone ran back and forth, acclimating the new home. Dean moved to check out the kitchen when he realized that two people were already in it.

"Finally got that house in Victor's Village that we always talked about," his mother said, placing a box down on the counter.

"Yeah," Cato said blankly, staring out the window.

His mother turned back to her middle son worriedly. "You don't sound too happy about being here."

"You were right," Cato said suddenly.

"About?"

Dean moved a little closer to hear them better. "The Games. They're not worth it. We were a pawn in the Games from the beginning. Aspen was right about one thing. They never intended for us to win together. They let us spend day after day together with the hope that we would be able to win together, only to show us what they'd always meant to have. The most dramatic showdown in history," Cato explained.

Dean sighed at his younger brother. Apparently, that was what had been bothering him the last few days. "They got their dramatic showdown. Just perhaps not the one that they were expecting," his mother said.

"Yeah."

"Tell me something. The truth, away from the cameras. Is it real?"

Dean arched a brow. He had always assumed that it had been real. He'd never seen Cato with someone like he was with Aspen, after all. "Do you think it is?" Cato asked curiously.

"I don't think you're that good of an actor," his mother said. All three of them grinned. "I've seen you with a lot of girlfriends before, none of whom I was that fond of. I like Aspen. She's not your usual type."

She was right about that. Cato's usual type was a polar opposite of Aspen. "No. She's not," Cato agreed.

"You're in love with her?"

"Yes," Cato said, smiling for the first time that day.

"I know," his mother said, smiling back. "My only warning to you, Cato... I think that Aspen is a wonderful girl. But I also think that she's a danger to the Capitol, which could make her a danger to anyone near her. She's brave and bold. Two things that the Capitol doesn't like from a Victor that they can't control. You just need to make sure that she's worth it."

"She is," Cato said immediately.

That was the moment that it really dawned on Dean. Just how much Cato loved the girl from District 12. His mother stared at her son as if seeing him for the first time. "She changed you," she commented.

Cato nodded. "Yeah. I guess she did."

His mother smiled. "It's a good change. I like it."

"Me too," Cato agreed.

"That's the first time I've seen you smile in a long time."

"I smile all the time," Cato said confusedly.

His mother shook her head. "No, you smirk all the time," she corrected. Dean grinned. They had all long since become accustomed to Cato's confident smirk. "It's been a long time since I've seen you smile like that. It was the way that you smiled at her during the Games."

"You'll like her a lot," Cato said.

They had only met for a few brief minutes but everyone had already liked her. Mostly for what she had done for Cato. "Seeing the man that she's managed to turn you into in just a few short weeks. Going from a boy who was willing to do anything to bring honor to his District to a man who would die to keep an innocent girl safe... I like her already," his mother explained. Dean nodded his silent agreement. "Although I think you have some explaining to do to Skye and Julie."

Everyone knew that Cato's two best friends had eyes for him. "Yeah, I know," Cato muttered awkwardly.

The two of them were quiet for a moment. "What about that boy from home that they talked about earlier in the Games? Gale Hawthorne, I think his name was," his mother said. Even from where he stood, Dean could see Cato stiffen. "They're saying now that he's her cousin."

"No. He's her best friend," Cato corrected. "I can imagine it's the same reason that the cameras don't want Skye and Julie around."

"She talked about him very fondly in the Interviews," his mother said slowly.

Cato turned a heated glare on his mother. "He's her best friend," he snapped.

His mother moved forward and placed her arm on her son's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Cato. I'm not trying to make you doubt her, I'm just saying that she did have a life before you, just the way that you had a life before her. Anyone with eyes can see that the two of them clearly care about each other a lot," his mother reasoned carefully.

Cato was silent for a long time just processing what his mother had told him. When he finally spoke again, there was a defensive edge to his voice. "They've known each other for years. They helped each other keep their families alive. She cares about him. I care about Skye and Julie. That'll never change."

"They could all cause problems down the road," his mother said.

It could get complicated. Aspen and Gale with Cato and Skye and Julie. Five people in a relationship only built for two. "I know." Cato growled.

He was clearly getting angrier and angrier. "She seemed at least moderately interested in him," his mother said. Cato glared at her, clearly fed up with the conversation. "I'm sorry, I'm just concerned."

Dean knew that this was one time that Cato would have to make his own choice and be willing to potentially get his heart broken. "Whatever has happened between them, I love her. Nothing's changed that. Nothing can ever change that. She's free to do as she pleases with her life. She's free. But that doesn't mean that I won't fight for her," Cato said lowly.

A small smile appeared on Dean's face. He had never heard Cato speak like that about anyone. Not a girlfriend and not even a family member. It became very clear to Dean, in that moment, that no one would ever mean to Cato what Aspen did. No one would ever be able to live up to her. She had changed his younger brother and he didn't really mind the change. Cato had gone from a brash boy to a kind-hearted young man. He had always been that way but she had showed him that it was okay to show others. It was okay to be in love with someone.

"And would she fight for you?" his mother finally asked.

A wry grin appeared on Cato's face. "Hasn't she already?"

His mother smiled. "That's what matters. If you love her, we love her too."

Today...

As Dean finished his story, I merely stared blankly at him. I knew the point of the story. I just didn't want to have to hear it. Cato believed that I would fight for him. And I had, while we were in the Capitol and in the Games. But that was when the love had been mutual. There was nothing there now. As I had told myself a thousand times before, whatever we were, it was gone. The sooner that I accepted that and moved on, going to my promise to kill Snow, the sooner I could move on from him. Dean stood across from me in the hall, waiting for me to speak.

"Why tell me that?" I asked, already well-aware of the answer.

"I think you already know why I told you that," Dean said.

Rubbing a hand over my eyes, I shook my head. "What's the point, Dean? I have spent the past year and a half ruining his life. He's better off without me. Just look at him. They'll never be able to completely bring him back. He'll hate me forever. Whatever it was that we had, it's gone. He's better off with Skye or Julie. Not me. I've had a long history of destroying everything around me. I'm sorry that he got sucked into it," I said weakly.

His life had been so lovely before I had smashed right into it. He'd loved his entire family. His wonderful brothers, his sister and sister-in-law, and his parents. He'd had so many friends that had loved him and his strength. He had been so confident in his entire life. He had known exactly what he had wanted to do with his life. He would have made a wonderful Victor. He could have been with Skye or Julie or any of his other suitors. He had been well on his way to the perfect life - right up until the little fool from Twelve had ruined everything.

"He once told my mother that he would always fight for you. He thought that you would fight for him, too," Dean said quietly.

And if I could have, I would have. But he was lost. Fighting for him would only hurt us both. "How? I can't even speak to him without him trying to kill me. I'm not doing this for me. I love him. But his only chance for a normal life is without me around," I explained.

"I'm not trying to upset you," Dean whispered.

He walked toward me and laid a hand on my shoulder. Tears began building in my eyes. "I've never been consistently surrounded by more people in my life, but I can't ever remember feeling this alone," I said honestly, my voice cracking. "It's not fair. None of this is fair."

"War is rarely fair," Dean pointed out.

That was when I had officially had it. "Why the hell did I even get dragged into a war? I didn't want a war! No matter what Snow thinks, the last thing that I wanted was a war. I just wanted to survive. I'm barely twenty. A war should be the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to save Katniss and Prim. I wanted them to get to have their lives. Everyone attacks me for my relationships these days... No one ever realized that I had a life of my own before I met Cato. Before I went into the Games. Yes, I had Gale in my life. Yes, I loved him a lot.

"But I was too concerned with keeping myself alive to realize that there might have been something there. I was the girl who grew up without a family. I was the one who grew up with no clue how to love someone. When Cato came into my life, I didn't know how to handle it. I had always just assumed that I would grow up and marry Gale and get on with my life. Die eventually. No kids. I was just comfortable with him. But my life took a tailspin and I don't know how to handle it. I'm so sick of everyone, including Gale, thinking that he was just my second choice. I have a lot of bigger things on my mind."

"You're angry," Dean commented.

Anger was just one of the many things that I was feeling. "Damn right I'm angry," I snapped breathlessly. I couldn't remember ever being angrier. "I can't even be angry with anyone but myself. People doubted Cato and I because of Gale. I can't let go of Gale because I do love him. I know that I'm leading him on because I'm too afraid to hurt him."

"Friendships like that can be complicated," Dean said.

"Should have just stayed alone forever. I'm better off that way," I muttered.

"Aspen, it's like we've told you a thousand times. Cato loves -"

"Loved."

"I seem to recall you telling Boggs that he was gone but the love wasn't."

That was when I had thought that he'd died loving me. "Look at him when you mention anything to do with me. You tell me that the love is still there," I said.

"It is. It's buried deep, but it's still there."

"Maybe."

Even if it was there, they would spend the rest of his life trying to pull it out. Dean let out a soft breath and went into the pockets of his jacket, pulling out what appeared to be a letter. "Carrie told me to give this to you when the time was right," Dean said, handing the thick envelope off to me. "I think the time is right."

"What is it?" I asked.

"All I know is that it's a letter that Cato wrote you." When the hell had been sane enough to write me a letter? Not now, I was sure. "I'm heading back to the rebel base. Stay here as long as you need. If you ever want to talk about... what happened after the blast... I'll be here," Dean offered.

"Okay," I said.

No, I would never want to talk about what had happened after the electrical blast. That was something that I could have done with forgetting. Dean smiled at me and headed back towards the front door. I listened to his footsteps recede followed by the soft thump of the front door shutting. I gave him a few more seconds before making a slit in the envelope. Once it was opened, I pulled out the pieces of paper and looked down at them. It was long and wordy, written in Cato's messy hand.

Aspen,

It's late now. You're already asleep. As a matter of fact, you've been asleep for a while. It's a nice sight. You look at peace right now, something that I very seldom see with you. The nightmares haven't started yet. Maybe they won't tonight. Because we had a good day today. At least, a good night. It was our wedding.

I could stay up all night writing to you and still not be able to tell you everything that I want to. I don't even know where to start or where to end. All I know is that this is going to be my last chance to tell you everything that I need to before I die. I don't care what you made Haymitch promise you. I'll never say it to you while I'm alive, but I know that the promise that he made me was the real one. You're getting out of that arena. Not me. I'd say I was sorry, but I'm not. It's my last wish for you to get out of there.

It's something that I will fight for until the Games are over. I don't care who I have to kill and who I have to fight. As long as it means that you make it out of there alive, that's what matters. As long as you get to have the life that you've always deserved, I'll die a happy man. Knowing that there are people who will be looking out for you. Not that you need someone to do that. You're strong enough on your own.

But no one should ever have to be on their own. Especially not you. Not when I love you so damn much. So much that I can't even describe it. I'll try as hard as I possibly can, but I don't think that I'll ever be able to tell you every single reason that I do. But let me try.

I love the way you look at me. You don't look at me like I'm a monster or a Career. Just Cato. And that's something that I haven't felt in a long time. You make me feel like I'm the only person in the world. With you I can be myself. The two of us are family and friends at the same time. When we're together, all my problems disappear. You make my heart smile. You've proven time and time again that you know me better than I know myself. You make me smile when nobody else can. You are the only one who can calm me down after a nightmare. Only your presence. You have taught me the true meaning of love.

When I'm hurt, you will do anything to save me. Not this time, Aspen. I'm sorry. You're always there for me, no matter what. You let me be myself and you encourage me to find more of myself. You are truthful and vulnerable with me. You make me feel like I can get through anything, as long as I have you. Because you are determined to make this relationship work. When you laugh it makes me laugh. We understand each other so well. Your arms feel more like home than any house ever did. You have an inner strength that helps keep me calm when my life is in chaos.

You always keep your promises. But this is one that you'll have to break. You have the ability to comfort me simply by your touch. Because when things don't go as planned, you roll with it, instead of getting stressed. You always believe in me and inspire me. I can always talk to you. I love you because you picked me. Your eyes smile when you laugh. You love me even when I'm being horrible and hard to be around. We're so different and yet so the same. You make an effort with my friends and family, because you know how much they mean to me.

You have an innate ability to protect and take care of me. You gave me the gift of yourself. You make me a better person. The day I met you, I found my missing piece. Because I can be myself around you. Because you trust me unconditionally. I can't imagine life without you. You know the secret, little things that cheer me up and make me happy. You only seem to notice my strengths and always have confidence in me. You don't just tell me you love me, you show me. You never give up on me, even when I'm at my worst. You care about the people around you.

You are my very best friend in the whole world. You're the calm in the storm. You're always able to make me laugh, even when the situation shouldn't be funny. You are everything I never knew I needed. You make my fears melt away. You put other's needs before your own. Your kisses make me weak in the knees. You take care of me when I forget to. People look up to you and you never let them down. You don't change depending on who you're with.

There are so many more things that I can't even remember. I wish I could name them all. I'm sorry that I can't. Perhaps you'll forgive me. This isn't the end for us, Aspen. I promise you that. I'm going to watch over you from the other side and I can't wait to see where your life goes. I know that you'll do something wonderful with the many years that you have left. Because you have so many years to make your life the one that you deserve. One full of happiness and adventure. No more surviving, Aspen. Live on. For me.

Please do me a favor. Don't mourn me forever. It's not healthy for you. You can be sad for a little while. I'd be surprised if you weren't. But I know that you can heal from my loss. You can heal from anything. I've seen it for myself. You are so unconditionally strong that it shocks me sometimes. Not that it should. You are without a doubt the most powerful person that I've ever met. It's incredible. It always will be. That's why I know that you can make it through this. Maybe with a little help, but you can.

You had to have seen this one coming. Please, Aspen, be with Gale. Just the way that you would have wanted me to be with Skye or Julie had this gone the other way. I asked him tonight to take care of you. Be there for you after I die and be there for you during the healing process. When the time comes, he's promised to help you move on. He's so in love with you. Yes, your relationship with him has always made me jealous, because I know that there were always some feelings. But I was never surprised by that. You two grew up together. You thought that you would marry him.

You still have that chance. Don't marry him just because it's the right thing to do or it's time. Marry him once you really allow yourself to fall in love with him. You can. I've seen you two together enough to know that you can. But it's okay. He's good for you. He's a better man than I could ever be. He loves you. He loved you long before I ever came along and he'll love you long after I'm gone.

When it comes down to it, Gale knows you better than anyone else. Probably even better than me. He has been unconditionally there for you since the day you two met. You can't deny that the two of you have had moments. That kiss after the Games? I'm not surprised or hurt by it. He had every right to just let you know that you meant something more to him. If it's happened again, it's okay. I couldn't ever imagine that you two would just be able to go back to normal. I put a huge strain on that relationship and I'm sorry for it.

You think that Haymitch never mentioned your plan to run away to me? I knew about it and I knew that you thought that it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was. You two could have gone off together. He was the first one to step up, wasn't he? Like I said, Aspen, I love you so much and I know that the love is reciprocated. But that doesn't change the fact that the two of you could be wonderful together. You two fight all the time. I see that. But he still respects and listens to you. Let's be honest, even when you love me, he still loves you.

Be with him, please. Be with someone who knows and loves your heart, just the way that I do.

Or Katniss, you know. Give the Capitol a real laugh.

Make it my last wish. Be with him. Make a life with someone. Have a few kids. You'd be a great mother, you know. Teach them how to hunt. All of those songs that you sing. Love someone unconditionally. Wouldn't that be nice? I would love to see you in a happy life. The one that we never got to have together, but the two of you can. Go back home to Twelve. Live in that house in Victor's Village. Enjoy your life with him.

There are so many more things that I wish I could tell you right now, but I don't have the time. The sun is starting to come up and I know that soon it will be time to start preparing for the Interviews. It'll be back to reality, unfortunately. But for now, I'll just enjoy sitting here and watching you. Did you know that you wrap a blanket around your leg when you sleep? You mumble in your sleep too. You say my name a lot. Dreaming of our nights together? Come on, I know you want to smile.

What can I even say about how much I love you? Never enough. Because I love you against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. There's no reason behind our love. It just is. It's more than that. We've loved with a love that is more than love. In fact, I don't live at all when I'm not with you. There's no greater thing for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life. We strengthen each other in all labors, rest on each other in all sorrows, minister each other in all pain, and to finally be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting.

Maybe this isn't the ending of us. Maybe we're just getting started. Who knows? Maybe we'll have some luck. After all, we've gotten lucky before.

You should know that today was the best day of my life. I got the chance to get married to the love of my life before I died. I never thought that I would get to love someone like you. Perfect in every way. For me, at least. Know something. I will always love you, no matter what. There's nothing that anyone can do that will change that. It's my promise to you.

I'll see you again one day. Just make sure that it's not for a long time.

Aspen Hadley, I love you more than anything,
Cato.

For a moment, my entire body felt numb. I took extreme care in folding the letter back up the same way that it had been before and pushing it back into the envelope. I wasn't sure what to do with it. Hold it. Place it back on the table. Burn it. None of the options seemed right. I wanted to keep it and treasure the memento of Cato for the rest of my life but I also wanted it far away from me. I didn't want any memory of what had happened between the two of us. Not when we could never be the same kids that had fallen in love over a year ago.

Something snapped in my body. Something far worse than anything I had felt before. My legs buckled underneath me and I dropped to the floor with a thump, sobbing hysterically and uncontrollably. He had lied to me. In his letter and in real life. He didn't always love me. He didn't love me anymore. Not right now. He hated me more than he had hated anyone else. If someone was able to get rid of that much love between the two of us, how could they ever bring it back? The answer: they wouldn't.

"Hey..." Katniss whispered, dropping at my side. I hadn't heard her come in over my sobs. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into her chest. "Aspen... it's okay. Shh... it's okay."

"He's never coming back," I wheezed.

"You don't know that. You don't. Listen to this, Aspen. He loves you so much. They can't just get rid of that. They can't," Katniss promised.

But I did know that. I did know that nothing was ever bringing him back. I had seen him long enough to know that they had permanently broken the link between us. Whatever the Tracker Jacker venom had done, rooting itself inside his brain and heart, he would never be able to get over it. Not if they had taken that much love between the two of us and eradicated itself within a few weeks. Katniss pressed a hand against the back of my head, allowing me to cry into her shoulder, as she hushed my cries softly.

We could have been together for twenty minutes or five hours. I wasn't sure. But eventually I managed to calm down. It wasn't easy but I had to keep reminding myself that Cato was gone. The love that we had shared, our relationship, and our entire life was gone. The potential child was gone. There was no point in crying over something that I could no longer control. It was over. It was time to move on and kill Snow and then die for my trouble. By the time I calmed down, the sun was already sinking below the horizon.

"Want to see something that I found?" Katniss offered quietly.

The two of us stared at each other for a few moments. She knew that I wasn't going to say anything, so she took it upon herself to act. She reached into her pocket the way that Dean had earlier and pulled out a photograph. I recognized the frame as one that had been on the side table in the entrance hall. It was of Cato. He looked to be about twelve or so. He was holding a sword in his hands and was smiling broadly at the camera. In the background, I could see Dean smiling at his little brother. Cato was so young in the photograph. So innocent.

"He looks happy," I commented softly.

"I found a picture where he looks even happier," Katniss said. She pulled out a photograph and handed it to me. It was of the two of us at our wedding and we were locked in the middle of our first dance. I was looking down at the ground as I laughed at something Cato had said. He was grinning down at me lovingly. "Look at how happy he is."

"What did he pay for it?" I replied.

It was the same thing that I had said a thousand times before. It was the same thing that he had said when I had returned from the Feast in the first Games. The two of us both sighed as I laid my head on her shoulder. Her hands reached up to run her fingers through my hair. Our hands locked together as we enjoyed the company that we had deprived ourselves of for months. We needed human contact and, at the moment, anything worked. Even just sitting with my best friend for a much-needed cry.

Suddenly I could stand the silence no longer. "I think it was a girl," I spat out.

"What?" Katniss asked.

"The baby. I think it was a girl."

Katniss glanced over and stared at me for a long time. She chose her words very wisely before saying, "That's the first time that I've heard you acknowledge that there was a baby." I nodded blankly. "Why do you think it was a girl?"

"I have dreams about it all the time," I explained.

"I didn't know that," Katniss whispered.

"What was I supposed to say?" I asked wryly.

The last thing that I wanted to talk about was the fact that I had lost a child on my own stupidity. "I'm your best friend. You could have said something to me. I'd rather you talk to me about it," Katniss said determinedly.

If there was one person that I could talk to about this, it was Katniss. She was the one person who would understand and not judge me. "For years I thought that I didn't want children. I thought that it was selfish. Having kids only to risk them going into the Games. I know how horrible they are. I don't know... I didn't even like kids," I said quietly. Prim was the only kid I'd ever been around. "But then..."

"The thought of having lost something that you never even knew you wanted is painful," Katniss answered.

I nodded numbly. "Maybe it's better this way. I don't think I could have looked at a kid and saw him and still been able to bear it," I said.

"They're still working on him," Katniss said.

"They'll be working on him for the rest of his life," I said.

"Don't think that."

"Look me in the eye and tell me that you think that he can come back."

She stared me in the eyes for a moment before saying, "I don't think that he can do it alone."

"He's not alone."

"Fine. He can't do it without you," Katniss snapped. She calmed down long enough to grab my hands and pull me into her. The way she was looking at me was like she was staring into my soul. I never could hide much from her. "You're scared of him now, aren't you?"

After the attack in the hospital wing, I had been reminded of exactly who Cato was. "When I was stung by the Tracker Jackers in my first Games, I remember seeing him coming storming up to me. Seeing how angry he was with me, knowing that he wasn't completely in control of himself, that was one of the only times that I was genuinely afraid of him. Now that he's permanently like that, all of his love for me that restrained him from killing me before gone, yeah, I'm scared of him. Feels cowardly to admit it," I said softly.

Katniss shook her head. "It's not cowardly. He was - is the love of your life," she corrected herself. "Now that he's like this... he's scary."

"I guess the sooner that I can get over him, the better," I muttered.

"You don't need to get over him. Aspen... it's been over a year since Peeta," Katniss said. I stared at her blankly. I rarely heard her even say Peeta's name out loud. "I can't - even now, I'm still not over what happened. I wish that I would have gotten a chance to really get to know him. He's dead but I'm still not completely over it. You're never going to be over Cato and that's okay. Because he still might come back to you."

"I've never heard you openly talk about Peeta," I said slowly.

Her eyes were reddening with unshed tears. "It's hard to even think about him."

"I think you two would have been good together."

"Maybe," Katniss shrugged. Perhaps one day she would be ready to talk about Peeta. It wasn't today. "You would have made a wonderful mother," Katniss eventually said.

"Thanks."

"Maybe you'll still be one."

"Not with him."

We would never lay in a bed together again. Not without him wanting to kill me. "Promise me something," Katniss eventually said.

"Okay."

"Don't give up on him yet. Give him a few weeks."

In a few weeks I was planning to be deceased. Instead I said, "Promise."

Katniss gave me a weak smile. "Come on," she said, hopping to her feet and giving me a hand up. "We should go back."

"Alright."

Today hadn't exactly made me happy, but it was something that I needed. I needed to see Cato's home. I wasn't sure exactly why, but it was important to me. The two of us walked back through Victor's Village, collected a very irritated looking Tick and Tock, and headed back to the rebel base. The only thing left to do today was try and tape a few propos. I knew from experience that they got annoyed whenever I sat around and moped. Talking to someone and pretending to listen was better than another eight hours of me crying at the sight of Cato's home.

As per usual, I didn't really do much. There was nothing to do. Not on the heavily-fortified sides of the rebel base. We mostly sat around and talked strategy, but at least it felt like I was doing something here. Today I took the time to discuss with a few of the soldiers what I had been doing over the past few weeks - particularly in the five weeks that I had remained hidden in Thirteen. I was careful not to mention the ruined District, as instructed. If there was a mole in the District 2 rebel forces, we couldn't risk the Capitol knowing that I was actually hiding in Thirteen most of the time.

In a few days, when the brains were selected, I wasn't surprised to see Gale's name on the list. I thought Beetee would bring him, not for his technological expertise, but in the hopes that he could somehow think of a way to ensnare a mountain. Originally, Gale offered to come with me to Two, but I could see I was tearing him away from his work with Beetee. I told him to sit tight and stay where he was most needed. I didn't tell him his presence would make it even more difficult for me to mourn Cato.

As much as I did love Gale, I didn't want him around while I was trying to recover from Cato's change in heart. Having him here would have made me feel like I'd have to move on. I wouldn't be able to properly mourn him and our life together. Gale hadn't looked happy when I had told him that he needed to stay in Thirteen and continue the good work he was doing there. He must have known that I just didn't want him with me, but he hadn't said anything about it. Probably because he knew just how much it hurt to talk about it right now.

Gale ultimately found me when they arrived late one afternoon, a few days after my discovery of Cato's home. I was alone. Katniss was off with Skye and Julie doing some patrols. I had wanted to be alone for the day. Something I wouldn't get any more. I was sitting on a log at the edge of my current village, plucking a goose. A dozen or so of the birds were piled at my feet. Great flocks of them had been migrating through here since I had arrived, and the pickings were easy. Without a word, Gale settled beside me and began to relieve a bird of its feathers.

We were through about half when he said, "Any chance we'll get to eat these?"

"Yeah. Most go to the camp kitchen, but they expect me to give a couple to whoever I'm staying with tonight. For keeping me," I said.

"Isn't the honor of the thing enough?" Gale asked.

"You'd think. But word's gotten out that Mockingjay's are hazardous to your health," I replied.

We plucked in silence for a while longer. Clearly neither one of us knew what we were supposed to say right now. I wasn't sure whether or not Gale knew about what had happened with Cato. He knew that he hated me, but I wasn't sure if he knew about the baby. And I didn't want to tell him. He hadn't been around when Cato had made the announcement. It was likely that someone had told me. Now it was a question of who was going to mention all of the unsaid things between us first. I knew that it wouldn't be me.

Finally, Gale said, "I saw Cato yesterday. Through the glass."

A knot formed in my stomach. "What'd you think?" I asked.

"Something selfish," Gale said.

"That you don't have to be jealous of him anymore?"

My fingers gave a yank, and a cloud of feathers floated down around us. Gale knew that we were toeing a dangerous line. "No. Just the opposite," Gale said, pulling a feather out of my hair.

"What?" I asked.

He didn't need to speak before I knew that I wouldn't like the answer. "I thought... I'll never compete with that. No matter how much pain I'm in," Gale said, not self-pitying. He spun the feather between his thumb and forefinger. "I don't stand a chance if he doesn't get better. You'll never be able to let him go. You'll always feel wrong about being with me."

"The way I always felt wrong being with him because of you," I said.

Gale held my gaze. "If I thought that was true, I could almost live with the rest of it."

"It is true. But so is what you said about Cato," I admitted. Gale made a sound of exasperation that made something in me snap. "What? Do you expect me to just get over it?"

"No, I don't expect you to just get over it," Gale said.

"So, what do you want?" I asked.

"You to just tell me the truth."

A bitter and humorless laugh escaped my lips. "My head is so fucked right now that I don't even know where to begin with the truth. Gale... I can't tell you the truth because I don't know it. I love... loved... him. But I can't lose you. And I feel like if I can't just get over myself and move on, I will lose you," I said.

Gale shook his head but made no move to touch me. "You're insane if you think that I'd just walk away from you. If I've hung around this long, been through this much with you, you're dead wrong if you think I'd leave just because you can't make up your mind. You need time. I get it," Gale said.

Be with him, please. Be with someone who knows and loves your heart, just the way that I do.

Despite his words, I was still sure that he didn't get it. He had lost people that he'd loved, but he'd never lost someone like I had. He would never know what it felt like. We didn't speak for the rest of the hunt, instead my mind kept going back to Cato's final letter to me. Asking me to be with Gale. Someone who knew my heart. That was certainly him. Cato had wanted this. I was sick of being so damned lonely. I missed having that comfort. I missed that carefree relationship that I used to have with Gale. Now I always sat, tensed and ready for a fight.

Nonetheless, after we had dropped off the birds and volunteered to go back to the woods to gather kindling for the evening fire, I found myself wrapped in his arms. I wasn't sure how we had ended up that way, but I wasn't in the mood to ask questions. I just wanted to be with someone. I wanted to listen to that desperate urge in my body, begging me to be with someone. Begging to find some type of comfort. So, I allowed Gale's lips to brush the faded bruises on my neck, working their way to my mouth. It was a mirrored action of what Cato had done to me so many times before.

They were so the same and yet so different. Despite what I felt for Cato, that was the moment when I accepted deep down that he would never come back to me. Or I would never go back to him. Never back to Thirteen. It was too painful to hear about him anyway. I would stay in Two until it fell, go to the Capitol and kill Snow, and then die for my trouble. And he would die insane and hating me. So, in the fading light I shut my eyes and kissed Gale to make up for all the kisses I had withheld, and because it didn't matter anymore, and because I was so desperately lonely, I couldn't stand it.

These were the moments that I had always been so desperate for. To close my eyes and just forget. Gale's touch and taste and heat reminded me that at least my body was still alive, and for the moment it was a welcome feeling. To close my eyes and pretend that we were those two kids watching the stars. Imagining what might have happened if we had done just this that night. I emptied my mind and let the sensations run through my flesh, happy to lose myself. When Gale finally pulled away slightly, I moved forward to close the gap, but I felt his hand under my chin.

"Aspen," he said.

The instant I opened my eyes, the world seemed disjointed. Something seemed very wrong. It took me a moment to remember myself and what had just happened. Whatever had happened between us, I knew that it wasn't right. But that didn't change the fact that I needed to do something - be with someone - to remind myself that I wasn't dead. But this... this was wrong. These were not our woods or our mountains or our way. All of it was wrong. My hand automatically went to the scar on my left temple, which I associated with confusion.

Confusion at what I had just done. Confusion over my feelings for Gale and Cato. Confusion over everything that had happened lately. Gale stared at me as if trying to read my expression, but I was sure that it was blank. The exact way that I felt. Because I realized, now that we had pulled away from each other, that I didn't feel anything. Just... empty. And that emptiness hadn't gone away yet. I knew that my body was longing for someone to be with me, but my mind reminded me that I didn't want anyone else. Just Cato. The one person I couldn't have.

"Now kiss me," Gale commanded. Bewildered, unblinking, I stood there while he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine briefly. He examined my face closely. "What's going on in your head?"

"I don't know," I whispered back.

"Then it's like kissing someone who's drunk. It doesn't count," Gale said with a weak attempt at a laugh. He scooped up a pile of kindling and dropped it in my empty arms, returning me to myself.

"How do you know?" I asked, mostly to cover my embarrassment. "Have you kissed someone who's drunk?"

I'd seen plenty of people kiss before. It was pretty typical to see wives kissing their husbands before they headed out for a day in the mines. I used to see Mr. and Mrs. Everdeen kiss all the time before he died. But it dawned on me in that moment that I had never seen Gale kiss someone. I guessed that Gale could have easily been kissing girls right and left back in Twelve. He certainly had enough takers. Everyone had thought that he was the strong and silent type. I never really thought about it much before. Gale just shook his head.

"No. But it's not hard to imagine," Gale said fiercely.

Of course. He must have remembered that I had kissed someone who was drunk. Seneca - the night I had fled his apartment in the Capitol. "So, you never kissed any other girls?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

Gale gave a wry smile. "I didn't say that. You know, you were only twelve when we met. And a real pain besides. I did have a life outside of hunting with you," Gale said, loading up with firewood.

That wasn't exactly a fair statement. We had both been twelve when we had met. I was older than Gale, anyway. But he was right. There were lots of times that Katniss was with me and Gale was nowhere in sight. I had never thought about anyone else being with Gale. That was a stupid thing to think, though. What had I been thinking? That I had always just assumed that he was waiting around for me. That was a shallow thing for me to have thought. He was desirable. He would have been a fool to wait for me. Suddenly, I was genuinely curious.

"Who did you kiss? And where?" I asked.

"Too many to remember. Behind the school, on the slag heap, you name it," Gale said.

"Katniss?" I asked curiously.

Gale was silent for a moment before saying, "I've thought about it."

I rolled my eyes. He was waiting for me to give him his answer. "So, when did I become so special? When they carted me off to the Capitol?" I asked bitterly.

"No. You know when, Aspen. It was that night," Gale said.

Yes. The night that we had spent together on my eighteenth birthday. The night that I thought I might have felt something. "I always just thought that it was in the moment," I replied.

"That's what I thought for a long time too," Gale admitted.

"When did you realize otherwise?" I asked.

"About six months before they carted you off to the Capitol. Right after New Year's. We were in the Hob, eating some slop of Greasy Sae's. And Darius was teasing you about trading a rabbit for one of his kisses. And I realized... I minded," Gale told me.

That was a day that I hadn't thought of in forever. But I remembered that day well. Bitter cold and dark by four in the afternoon. My absolute least favorite kind of day. We had been hunting with Katniss, but a heavy snow had driven us back into town. The Hob was crowded with people looking for refuge from the weather. It was warm simply because there were so many people in the crowded marketplace. Greasy Sae's soup, made with stock from the bones of a wild dog we had shot a week earlier, was below her usual standards. Still, it was hot, and I was starving as I scooped it up, sitting cross-legged on her counter.

It was disgusting, but good enough to not starve. Darius was leaning on the post of the stall, tickling my cheek with the end of my braid, while I smacked his hand away. Katniss had threatened to shoot him if he touched her. I was laughing. Darius was explaining why one of his kisses merited a rabbit, or possibly two, since everyone knew redheaded men are the most virile. And Greasy Sae and I - and even Katniss, but she would never admit it - were laughing because he was so ridiculous and persistent and kept pointing out women around the Hob who he said had paid far more than a rabbit to enjoy his lips.

"See? The one in the green muffler? Go ahead and ask her. If you need a reference," Darius had told us.

A million miles from here, a billion days ago, that happened. "Darius was just joking around," I said.

"Probably. Although you'd be the last to figure out if he wasn't," Gale told me. I raised a brow curiously. "Take Cato. Take me. Or even Finnick. I was starting to worry he had his eye on you, but he seems back on track now."

"You don't know Finnick if you think he'd love me. I reminded him of Annie, but with her spirit. Nothing else," I said.

Gale shrugged. "I know he was desperate. That makes people do all kinds of crazy things."

My head snapped over to him. We were back to him blaming me for things that were out of my control. He was back to blaming me for everything that had happened with Cato. Blaming me for speaking to him, for falling in love with him, for being willing to sacrifice everything for him. Wondering why I hadn't known that Gale truly felt something for me. All of it, my fault, as always. That was why I couldn't help but to think that Gale's last comment was directed at me. A spike of anger shot through me as I whipped back around to him.

"Why didn't you say something?" I snapped.

"What?" Gale asked, taken aback by my sudden change in demeanor.

"Why didn't you say something? When you first started thinking something different of me? When I wasn't your kid friend anymore. You should have said something!" I shouted, the anger bubbling over. "You blame me for getting together with Cato. How the hell was I supposed to know that you cared that much about me? I didn't betray you, I didn't know."

"I kissed you just before you left," Gale pointed out.

"We made a deal when we were kids that we would be each other's first kiss. You were mine, I don't know if I was yours," I explained. Gale merely shrugged. I laughed. "Of course not. I thought that you were just living up to your end of the bargain."

"You should have known," Gale muttered quietly.

"That you were too cowardly to do what you should have done? Something that could have really changed everything!" I shouted, growing angry all over again. This all could have been so different if Gale had just said something. I calmed down long enough to say, "Yes, I should have known. But if you were ever waiting for the opportune moment, that was it."

Gale stared at me for a long time. "I would have confused you even more."

"Maybe," I conceded. "But at least I would have known. This is not my fault."

"I've never said that it was."

"You certainly treat me like it is!"

"You're right," Gale admitted. I was surprised by his honesty. "I should have said something about the way that I felt about you long before you ever went into the Games. I just always thought that you cared about me enough to wait."

"I shouldn't have had to! You should have just gotten up the balls and said something!"

"Like he did?"

The coldness in Gale's gaze startled me. I nodded blankly. "Yes, Gale, like he did." My hands were shaking and my knees were threatening to cave out from underneath me. I let out a breath and pushed my hair back off my forehead. "Can we just... can we just... stop? I'm sick of this argument. I don't have the strength to keep fighting with you. My husband hates me. I - I lost... I lost a baby," I whispered, my voice cracking.

Gale's face drained of color. "What?" he breathed.

Did he not know? I thought that was the newest thing that he was mad at me for. "They didn't tell you?" I asked.

"Apparently not. The pregnancy ruse... it was real?" Gale asked carefully.

"Kind of."

Even Gale was smart enough to know that this conversation had to be broached carefully. He was silent for a long time before taking a step towards me. "Aspen -"

"Soldier Antaeus," a village guard called, standing up on the hill. "We have a room for you if you're ready."

Anything to get out of this conversation... "Yes. Thank you," I called to him.

The guard gave a brusque nod before walking off. As I moved to head up the hill, Gale laid a hand on my arm and stopped me. "What do you say? Can Soldier Hawthorne accompany you?" Gale asked half-teasingly.

"I'm not talking about it," I said defensively.

"You don't have to. I'm not asking you to," Gale said, his voice adopting a softer tone. "Just like old times. On that day that I mucked up so badly. Just let me be there for you, however you need it."

"Both of us," Katniss's voice drifted from the top of the hill.

I stared between the two of them for a moment before nodding. "Alright."

The three of us made our way out of the woods, dropped off the kindling, and made a temporary home out of the rebel base that we had been shipped to tonight. We were sleeping in a small bunker, all packed into one cot. They had offered Katniss and Gale another room, but they had decided to stay with me. We ended up chitchatting about the old days together, having one of the lightest nights that I had had in a long time. It was peaceful. But as I laid down with them, crammed together into that cot, I still had that lingering stab of longing for Cato.

Bright and early the next morning, the brains assembled to take on the problem of the Nut. I was asked to the meeting, although I didn't have much to contribute. Katniss came along, too, but I had a feeling they let her because I wanted her there. Damien, Dean, Skye, and Julie had also come. I avoided the conference table and perched in the wide windowsill that had a view of the mountain in question. Katniss sat with me, as did Skye and Julie. I suspected that they were there to try and get in a conversation with me. Felix and Marcus were both there, looking quite happy to be home.

The commander from Two, a middle-aged woman named Lyme, took us on a virtual tour of the Nut, its interior and fortifications, and recounted the failed attempts to seize it. Brutus stood with her, looking friendly enough. I had crossed paths with Lyme briefly a couple of times since my arrival, and was dogged by the feeling I had met her before. She was memorable enough, standing over six feet tall and heavily muscled. But it was only when I saw a clip of her in the field, leading a raid on the main entrance of the Nut, that something clicked and I realized I was in the presence of another Victor.

That would have explained why Brutus was so friendly with her. They had something in common. Lyme, the Tribute from District 2, who won her Hunger Games over a generation ago. Effie sent us her tape, among others, to prepare for the Quarter Quell. I had probably caught glimpses of her during the Games over the years, but she had kept a low profile. She was one of the quieter Victors. With my newfound knowledge of Haymitch's treatment, and my overall knowledge of Finnick's and my own, all I could think was: What did the Capitol do to her after she won?

Eventually it began gnawing away at me. I had to know. So, I leaned over to Skye and whispered my question. It was the first time that I had spoken to her since arriving in Two. She looked surprised but admitted to me what had happened to Lyme in a hushed tone as the presentations began. Evidently Lyme's entire family had been killed because when Lyme had won her Games, she had refused any alterations be done on her. She was tough, but she wasn't the prettiest Victor that I had ever met. The Capitol had wanted someone who was both. Even the Victors of Two weren't immune from Snow's cruelty.

When Lyme finished the presentation, the questions from the brains began. Hours passed, and lunch came and went, as they tried to come up with a realistic plan for taking the Nut. But while Beetee thought he might be able to override certain computer systems, and there was some discussion of putting the handful of internal spies to use, no one had any really innovative thoughts. As the afternoon wore on, talk kept returning to a strategy that had been tried repeatedly - the storming of the entrances. I could see Lyme's frustration building because so many variations of that plan had already failed, so many of her soldiers had been lost.

Finally, she burst out, "The next person who suggests we take the entrances better have a brilliant way to do it, because you're going to be the one leading that mission!"

Gale, who was too restless to sit at the table for more than a few hours, had been alternating between pacing and sharing my windowsill. Much like myself, Katniss had given no suggestions. We were merely watching quietly. Early on, Gale seemed to accept Lyme's assertion that the entrances couldn't be taken, and dropped out of the conversation entirely. For the last hour or so, he had sat quietly, his brow knitted in concentration, staring at the Nut through the window glass. In the silence that followed Lyme's ultimatum, he spoke up again.

"Is it really so necessary that we take the Nut? Or would it be enough to disable it?"

"That would be a step in the right direction. What do you have in mind?" Beetee asked.

"Think of it as a wild dog den," Gale continued. "You're not going to fight your way in. So you have two choices. Trap the dogs inside or flush them out."

"We've tried bombing the entrances. They're set too far inside the stone for any real damage to be done," Lyme said.

"I wasn't thinking of that. I was thinking of using the mountain," Gale said. Beetee rose from the table and joined Gale at the window, peering through his ill-fitting glasses. "See? Running down the sides?"

"Avalanche paths," Beetee said under his breath. "It'd be tricky. We'd have to design the detonation sequence with great care, and once it's in motion, we couldn't hope to control it."

"We don't need to control it if we give up the idea that we have to possess the Nut. Only shut it down," Gale said.

"So, you're suggesting we start avalanches and block the entrances?" Lyme asked.

"That's it. Trap the enemy inside, cut off from supplies. Make it impossible for them to send out their hovercraft," Gale said.

An image formed in my mind of those tapes of the Hunger Games I had watched while training for the Quell. I remembered, in a Victor from Three's Games, an avalanche had been caused near the end of the Games. It had trapped four Tributes inside. Two had died in a fight. One suffocated after being buried near the top. The other resorted to trying to dig himself out. He died from an infection caused by tearing up his hands while digging himself out. I shivered at the memory. While everyone considered the plan, Boggs flipped through a stack of blueprints of the Nut and frowned.

"You risk killing everyone inside. Look at the ventilation system. It's rudimentary at best. Nothing like what we have in Thirteen. It depends entirely on pumping in air from the mountainsides. Block those vents and you'll suffocate whoever is trapped."

"They could still escape through the train tunnel to the square," Beetee said.

"Not if we blow it up," Gale said brusquely.

Every head in the room turned towards him. Even I stared at him. I had always known that Gale had a mean streak in him. I used to find it funny. We used to agree on so many different things. But this one... this might have been going too far. I glanced around the room, trying to meet Gale's eyes, but he wouldn't look at me. His intent, his full intent, became clear crystal clear. Gale had no interest in preserving the lives of those in the Nut. No interest in caging the prey for later use. This was one of his death traps.

A/N: Not much to say here except that I thank you all for sticking with the story for this long. Thanks for reading! Thank you for the follows and favorites! Please review! Until next time -A

Wiccanwoman11: Yes, the last chapter was definitely designed to be one of the hardest to read. It's not happy and really ups the ante for Cato and Aspen. It was always a risk and something I ultimately decided to use. I wasn't always going to go with that ending to the chapter. Thank you so much and I hope that you continue to enjoy!

Camillie103: Thank you! I hope that you like this one! Don't worry, we'll very slowly start seeing cracks of the old Cato. But it can't come quite yet.

Miss-Harry-Potter2123: Thank you! Hope you liked this one!

melliemoo: Yes! The secret is finally revealed! I wondered if anyone would catch it beforehand, but it didn't seem that anyone did. At least it was a plot twist. Nope, you're correct. Coin knew and kept it from Aspen. Don't worry, Aspen will never truly give up on Cato, no matter what she says or thinks.

Guest: Wow, this is a long series so thanks for giving it a try! I'm so glad that you love the alterations as I continued throughout the series! I'd imagine more people don't read it simply because of the length and I know Cato isn't a super popular character. But that's okay because I have fun writing the story and that's what matters. That's quite high praise so, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you! It's reviews like this that make the overall lack of them well worth it. I hope this chapter continues to live up to your expectations!