Chapter 2 – Jasper

From the very first moment Jasper laid eyes on Alice, he knew, with everything inside of him, that they were destined to be together. It was the all-encompassing and irrevocable kind of love – if only he could work up the courage to ask her out on a date…

When Alice moved, people followed. They gravitated towards her, and she reveled in the pull. In fact, she loved every aspect of life and people, and made it a point to live to the fullest every day. She was the type of girl that lit up a room, only to leave it cold and dark when she was gone. If Alice wasn't at a party, that party lacked the energy she exuded.

"Have you seen Alice?" someone would ask.

"Nah, she is probably at a different party. This one kind of sucks."

"Yeah, we should go find her."

Jasper, being a man of few words, had watched Alice from afar; her interactions with their fellow college coeds was fascinating to him. However, as stalkerish as Jasper may have sounded, nothing could have been further from the truth.

Jasper and Alice were buddies. They met in an NYU creative writing course, and the two had been mutually flirtatious but strictly friends for over a year. Despite his intense love for her, he had witnessed her struggle through one bad relationship after another, but never made even the slightest attempt to ask her out himself.

Some would call Jasper shy, but his friends knew better. He was simply patient; a fact that Alice was beginning to understand.

"I'm drunk. Will you walk me back to my dorm?" Alice asked one of the truest friends she had ever known. Jasper was the one man she knew would never hurt her, and her feelings for him were only beginning to uncover their potential greatness together.

"Of course," he agreed, almost relieved to be leaving the frat party a little early. That was not to say Jasper wasn't down for some good old fashion kegger fun. Jasper, however quiet he may have been, also had a ton of friends and enjoyed the social aspects of college – to an extent.

That particular night, Jasper had enough socializing for the evening, and was more than happy to walk the not-so-secret object of his affections home.

"Oh shit!" Alice squeaked as she almost tripped over her own drunken feet.

Thankfully, her knight in red converses was there to catch her.

It was the first time she had ever been in Jasper's arms, which made her giggle awkwardly, but as he stared at her with the full intensity of his devotion, she was suddenly feeling completely sober.

"So, do you want to come in and hang out for a bit?" she asked, pointing towards the dormitory building across the way.

He smiled as he made sure she was stable again on her feet. "Not tonight."

"Are you sure?" she asked, slightly surprised by his chivalrous decline.

"I'm sure. But let's get together again next weekend," he suggested, his voice was heavy with tenderness that kind of took Alice's breath away. "Come on, we're almost there."

When they completed their trek across campus to deliver her safely to her room, they both said goodnight, but Alice quickly turned back to him.

"You're really not even going to ask me out? I was so sure you were going to finally do it tonight? I've given you several openings."

Jasper chuckled, but shook his head no. "I'm sorry, I somehow missed your cues."

"You can ask me now," she pressed.

But again, he shook his head, and this time he fell serious. "I really can't."

"Why not?"

"It's not time yet," he explained vaguely.

She laughed once. "Because I'm drunk?"

"No, because neither of us are ready just yet. Because when I do finally ask you out, that's going to be it for me. There will be no more meaningless dating, no more messing around, or even thoughts of other women. I can't ask you out yet because when I do, it's going to be the biggest moment of my whole life, and I want to make sure to get it right."

His words left Alice speechless, and even though it wasn't quite time for them just yet, she believed him.

After that night, Alice attempted to go on a few other casual dates, but her mind and heart were no longer in it. Alice was ready for more – she was ready for Jasper.

With a dozen roses in hand, she knocked on the door of Jasper's fraternity house bedroom, and prepared to pour her heart out to him. Of course, the goofy expression on his face the moment he opened the door made her lose her train of thought.

They both just giggled, but Jasper patiently awaited Alice's speech.

"Okay," she took a deep breath. "Jasper, will you go out with me?" she requested formally.

He smiled and looked like he was going to shake his head no, so Alice quickly shut him up by jumping into his arms and planting her lips to his.

That kiss was electric. It was as if a million bolts of lightning had struck them all at once, and they both knew denying it was pointless.

"If you embarrass me by turning me down again, when I went to all this trouble to buy these ridiculously expensive flowers, I will never forgive you, nor will I ever agree to date you in the future."

"Well then, milady, the rest of my life is yours."

And they were inseparable… at least, for a time.

…

"Jasper, can you tell me about your marriage?" Dr. Esme Platt asked him compassionately.

Since Alice had walked away from Jasper, and their three-year marriage came to its volatile end, Jasper had been struggling. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. They were supposed to be together forever. Even with her gone, he still failed to accept that sometimes life didn't coincide with the heart's desires.

"What do you want to know?" Jasper asked his therapist despondently. Sitting in her office was the last place he wanted to be. He didn't want to talk about Alice, and he sure as hell didn't want to tell his therapist about his marriage that ended far too soon.

"She left me," he told her. "What else is there to tell?" To further reiterate his lack of desire to be there, he ignored her next attempt at questioning by belting out the lyrics to Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Bad Name.

"Shot through the heart
And you're to blame.
Darlin', you give love a bad name."

"Jasper, are you drunk?" Dr. Platt questioned him.

"An angel's smile is what you sell.
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell."

"As per your parole stipulations, these sessions are mandated by a judge," she pointed out, becoming frustrated by his lack of focus.

"Oh, you're a loaded gun, yeah
Oh, there's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done."

"Jasper, I need you to stop yelling!" she demanded strongly. "I share my practice with three other doctors and these walls aren't thick. Please, you are disturbing other patients."

"Fine. You're right. I apologize," he said, his voice raspy from the strain of his singing. "What did you want to know again?" he asked her, feigning interest.

"I need you to at least attempt to be open to the help," she added.

He raised his hands in surrender. "What do you want to know?"

"Why don't you tell me about how you proposed to your wife?"

"I'm not exactly sure how that will help me move on, doc," he said with his own frustration. "I mean, that is the point to these sessions, right? For me to get over the fact that my wife decided that she had enough of me. I mean, we both know you don't even really give a shit about any of that anyway. You're paid to listen to other people's bullshit, and I'm forced to be here against my will or risk being thrown in jail again. Why don't we drop the pretenses and just sit here quietly until our forced time together is finished for the day. I can continue singing if you're bored," he offered, seemingly genuinely. "Don't like Bon Jovi? I know a ton of other songs."

"That's quite alright," she said quickly. "Listen, if you aren't up to talking about your wife just yet, how about your parents? Why don't you tell me about your childhood?"

"Again, not much to tell. My parents have been married for over twenty-five years. My father cheated on my mom at one point; she forgave him."

"Did you forgive him?" she questioned.

"What the fuck does that matter? I'm not the one married to him."

"No, but it does make sense of some of your attachment issues," she said, making Jasper pretty much think she was crazier than he was.

"Doc, I have to admit, I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I don't have attachment issues. My wife left me. It fucking sucks. I got drunk and drove my car into a fucking building, and because the judge thinks I need mental help, he forced me to come here. Don't do that psycho mumbo jumbo bullshit and try to spin this into daddy issues. I had a dream last night. How about we talk about that?"

"Okay," she relented. "Tell me about your dream."

"I had a dream that you and I were in bed together…. Now, don't take this as some kind of sexual harassment thing, because you're the one who told me before that we can't control our dreams."

Dr. Platt sighed, but then nodded. "That is true. Please proceed."

"Okay, so we were in bed together, and things were getting hot and heavy, and then you decided to go streaking through the street."

"Um… okay," she said slowly. Dr. Platt was clearly uncomfortable with where this so-called dream was going, but her professionalism refused to let her redirect him. If he was finally opening up, she needed to hear him out.

"So, you were streaking at night, and then…" When Jasper's story was halted by his own laughter, Dr. Platt could do nothing but sigh and wait him out. "You were outside, in all your naked glory, and let me tell you, Doc, you have a banging body for an older lady – at least, you did in my dream – I can't tell how you really are under all those pantsuits you wear all the time. Anyway, you were outside, naked… then you got hit by a fucking bus. Splat!" he said while clapping his hands.

Dr. Platt couldn't help but roll her eyes. She knew it wasn't professional of her, but for God's sake, she was only human.

"Jasper," she said, trying to regain control over the conversation.

"You were stuck on the front of the bus, wearing nothing but what the good lord gave you, and the driver just turned on his wipers like you were just a squished bug on his windshield," he added in a hysteric rush.

"Jasper," she said again, except this time more sternly. "Please try to control yourself."

"I know, I apologize again," he said as he attempted to calm down. "Oh, but please don't think that my explicit dream of you means I want a date…or even a fuck. I'm still married… Or, at least I think I am. I'm not sure about all the legal shit."

She huffed in irritation. "Back to your parents. Do you think your father's betrayal had anything to do with your obsession to be the perfect husband?" she asked him.

"Was I the perfect husband?" he asked as his laughter turned into introspection. "I mean, I was a damn good husband, which is why I was a little shocked when she chose to end it, but perfect? I'm not so sure."

"Maybe it would do you some good to talk about it a little now," she tried once more.

Jasper leaned back in his chair and stroked his overgrown beard. Alice hated facial hair, so he didn't start growing it until she already left. Maybe he did it out of spite. He was so angry for those first few weeks, perhaps he was hoping she would see him like that and regret her decision. But, who the hell was he kidding? Seeing him like that would probably only make her grateful that she got out when she did.

Even just trying to contemplate his failed marriage was difficult. It made him brush his hands through his unkempt hair anxiously, and he briefly wondered when the last time he showered was.

"Alice was happy," he stated after a minute. It wasn't a question; he knew he made his wife happy. At least, he did in the beginning…

…

Jasper proposed to Alice after just eight months of dating. It had been the very best eight months of his life, and he couldn't wait to make her officially his. Although he had always been a patient man, this was the one thing he was having trouble waiting for.

Of course, his proposal could have been a little more thought out.

"What?" Alice asked, thinking she heard him wrong. They were at a Halloween frat-party; the music was thumping and the drinks were flowing. They were having a good time, dancing in a crowd but only seeing each other. Jasper had fallen more and more in love with her with every passing day, and at that moment, he just couldn't hold it all in.

"Marry me," he repeated, his voice was slightly muffled by his Phantom of the Opera mask. He may have been slightly tipsy, but he couldn't have been more serious.

"Please don't propose to me while wearing that thing," Alice whined playfully.

Jasper smiled, and then ripped off his mask. "Please, marry me," he asked for the third time.

Alice smiled, but she wasn't convinced. "We haven't even been dating for a whole year yet."

"I know, and I think I've shown an incredible amount of restraint thus far. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life making your life the happiest it can be."

If Jasper was nothing else, he was certainly romantic. He managed to make a drunken proposal sound like it belonged in a Shakespearean romance. In that moment, Alice wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and tell him to pack their bags for Vegas to get married immediately, but despite her zest for spontaneous adventures, she was slightly apprehensive.

"Jazz, I love you. In fact, I know without a doubt that you're the love of my life." She looked away momentarily in an attempt to regain her composure. "But sometimes… sometimes your love is just too big. I'm worried that I may not be equipped to be loved this much."

Her words took Jasper aback. He knew he loved her like crazy and that sometimes she felt a little overwhelmed by him, but he didn't know the extent of her concerns. The last thing he wanted to do was smother her.

"Okay," he said, deciding right then and there that he was going to give her the space she needed. "From now on, I won't call you. I'll wait for you to call me, and I'll try like hell to occasionally fantasize about other women when we're in bed."

Alice just giggled and shook her head, before heading towards the keg in the kitchen to refill her beer glass.

As much as Alice loved Jasper, a part of her was terrified that she didn't deserve his love in return. As an orphan and a survivor of childhood abuse, she harbored misplaced and illogical feelings of inadequacy. She knew her early trauma was neither her fault nor a measurement of her self-worth, but it was still a daily struggle to feel any type of normal.

Jasper was the epitome of normal – in the best possible way. He came from a good family and had a stable upbringing. He was smart, and funny, and beautiful in ways Alice had never encountered before. He was just good, through and through, and she always wondered what a guy like that saw in a girl like her. Her greatest fear was that one day, Jasper would wake up and realize that he was way out of her league.

But, with her replenished glass in hand, she crossed the crowded house party to rejoin her boyfriend, and that was when she realized something – If an amazing guy like Jasper loved her that much, there had to be a reason. Maybe she was good enough after all. Maybe they really could make each other happy for the rest of their lives. Maybe…

"I want a dog," she told him as they walked away from the party that night hand in hand.

"What?" he asked, unsure what she meant.

"A little one. A rescue from the shelter. I want kids too, but not for like five years," she added. "First I just want a dog."

"I hate dogs," he told her with the biggest smile on his face that he couldn't fight off even if he tried.

"I know, but that's my condition. I want a dog, or it's a no go."

Jasper's smile deepened to the point that it lit him up from the inside out, but his lips straightened into seriousness. "If a mangy mutt is your condition for forever, then I'll get you all the dogs in the pound."

She was the one smiling then. "Okay, I'll marry you."

…

"I think if she would've known how it was going to end, she would have never agreed to any of it," Jasper told his therapist quietly.

"Jasper, have you seen your wife since she left you?" Dr. Platt questioned carefully.

"Here and there," he replied unconvincingly. "We had dinner the other night… she left before it was over. I guess she didn't want to hear me beg her to come home again. I'm fairly sure she thinks I'm pathetic at this point. Of course, she never mentioned my beard so maybe she just doesn't give two shits about me anymore at all. Hell, she's probably already with someone new. She was never one to stay single very long."

"And, what about you? Do you think there may come a time when you would be open to dating again?"

Jasper tried to consider it, but it was of no use. He shook his head like it was more of a reflex than a choice. "No. I told her before we started dating. She's it for me. There's no going back."

To both of their relief, that was the moment the buzzer rang, thus ending the session. There was no graciousness from Jasper; he didn't even say goodbye before he departed the office. He knew he was forced to attend weekly, so he would grudgingly count the days until his return and drink himself into a stupor until then.

Life wasn't just hard, sometimes, for some people, it was downright excruciating….