Guilt
It seems so incredibly improbable now that at one point in my life I actually held pity and compassion towards someone that would go on to scar and rupture my preconceived notions of who and what a cat was capable of. I was your one true friend then, in your greatest moments of anguish and disconsolation, but all I hold for you now is contempt.
An auburn haze had taken residential custody over the sky as the day was slowly creeping upon the closing stages of sunhigh and into the urbane gradient textures of evening. Activity within the BoulderClan camp had slowly begun declining into a measured lull until the arrival of several warriors finally returning back to the hollow with their tiered, but somehow still dripping with brimming levels of vivaciousness, apprentices had injected a dose of vitality back into the scene.
The apprentices had all jostled together, chatting animatedly amongst each other about their individual exploits out that day. Most of them new and unseasoned had just undergone and experienced the time of their lives out on their first day outside the camp walls, exploring the forest and absorbing intriguing tidbits and tricks of the trade from their mentors.
Their ecstatic gossip carried all the way through the camp, gaining the ire of the napping elders, annoyed by the noise that had disturbed their sleep, amused looks from the lounging queens, and appraisal of the warriors pleased to see such enthusiasm radiating from the future protectors of their home. It was a moment, which despite whatever disposition you currently carried at the time, a sense of overflowing pride could be felt emanating from every elder, queen, and warrior present.
In some ways almost unthinkable to recount that only earlier that exact same day such a wild and hostile incident had transpired in the walls of this very same hollow, involving these very same cats now amicably coexisting together.
It was in the midst of such a jovial occasion that Hollypaw triumphantly emerged from the gorse tunnel clinching a deceased mouse between her teeth, followed closely behind by her mentor Roseblossom, carrying two dead voles hanging limp from her jaws. Together, the duo of mentor and apprentice navigated the throng of cats displaced across the camp before finally halting before the freshkill pile, depositing their prey.
"You did extraordinarily well today for your first time out practicing legitimate hunting techniques, Hollypaw," Roseblossom could be heard praising her exuberant apprentice. "There are few more areas where we can still clean up your hunting crouch, but you definitely have a knack for it and will be just as soon adding your own substantial contribution to the freshkill pile."
Hollypaw was an abrasive thunderstorm of raw boundless energy, easily distracted and even more headstrong. Roseblossom's hope, however, was that when properly trained to fixate that boundless energy on a singular objective that her worth and willingness to learn would conclude in outstanding results. From the brief practice and hunting session that they'd had, it was clear to her that the talent was obviously there. Now if only she could just reign it in.
Hollypaw eagerly nodded along with her mentor's words, feeling a thrill of exhilaration pump through her heart as the memory of the rush she got from hurtling through air as she pounced and killed her first piece of prey flashed through her mind.
Through the framed veil of her ego she had gracefully soared through the air with an aura of elegance unmatched and flawless in presentation that reflected back her incredible hunting prowess as she expertly landed onto the field mouse, swiftly killing it before it ever even had an opportunity to squeak out a final cry of terror. That was of course how Hollypaw had envisioned her first kill happening, but in reality that spectacular kill involved a certain tortoiseshell apprentice recklessly charging into a mouse, clumsily fumbling with it out of panicked excitement before finally pinning it down and awkwardly killing it with a bite to the neck. The finer details didn't really matter, she reasoned. She had gotten her first kill on her very first outing. Besides, it was her kill so she could tell the story of killing it any way that she wanted!
She had to share this, it was too amazing not to! Scanning the hollow for a suitable individual to recount her first triumphant kill to, Hollypaw first noticed the large group of apprentices huddled together under the Highrock. They seemed the obvious group to share such an accomplishment with, but when she saw how enamored the lot of them were with an over bloated tale by an even more over bloated tom, Sagepaw, she knew she wouldn't be able to get a single word in edge wise in that conversation. Her eyes drifted around the vicinity of the camp elsewhere, finding even less promising prospects.
The elders were completely out of the question. She'd personally learned her lesson as a kit of just how sharp their tongues could be when they were bothered. The warriors were all broken off into their own separate groups, sharing tongues and eating prey, while not too far off by the nursery the queens mimicked them.
It seemed everywhere she looked the cats were preoccupied. What was a cat to do when all she just wanted was a single pair of ears that would listen?
Redpaw!
Hollypaw's eyes darted back over the Clan in search of the familiar ginger pelt; berating herself for having forgotten him, especially with everything that had went down today. After completing three total sweeps across the camp, Hollypaw came to the conclusion that the subdued apprentice's presence was absent from the festive atmosphere.
Can I blame? Hollypaw morosely thought, the elation she'd previously been glowing with now having been staunched. How easily she had managed to forget a moment that was most likely the worse one of his life.
I felt absolutely disgusted at myself in that moment, disgusted even more at the Clan, who had the nerve to act so callous and disguise themselves under a cover of obliviousness, acting as though they hadn't publicly ostracized you to your face earlier. Guilt and anger? Yes, I felt guilty for your circumstances, for the way you'd been treated. But thanks to what I now know about you, that hate doesn't seem so undeserved now, does it?
Hollypaw silently headed for the only place within the Clan that she knew Redpaw could be. Breaking off away from the Clan, her stomach churning with a sickness she easily recognized as guilt, she paused before the entrance of the apprentice den, making sure to properly gather her nerves into order.
At this point, she wasn't sure what kind of support she could give to someone who had more or less been humiliated before his own Clanmates. It wasn't fair, any of it! She didn't understand why the older cats behaved the way they did towards Redpaw, but because of it their spite for him had spread to the other apprentices, influencing the way even now how cats his own age saw him. Hollypaw had never understood, and she swore then outside the den that she never would become like the rest of them.
She'd treat Redpaw fair. And for starters she'd do so by instead asking him about his day and listen to what he'd done on his first day out in the forest. Hollypaw slid inside the apprentice den, pausing for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the dim lighting.
Glancing around the surprisingly spacious den, Hollypaw's eyes bounced around before falling one of few crafted and only inhabited nests located inside the den located near the very back in a corner cut off from the others occupied by the unmistakably bright ginger fur of Redpaw's. He was tightly wound up in a ball with his back directed towards the entrance, appearing even more small and feeble then Hollypaw was used to seeing him.
It nearly took her aback, seeing him as he was. She nearly lost her nerve to approach him, if not for reminding herself that there was next to no possibility that anyone else from the Clan would make a move to check and see how he was doing.
"Redpaw?" she called out softly, hoping not too surprise him. There was a slight stir in the nest as she watched his ears twitch. "Redpaw," she called again. "It's me, Hollypaw. I came to see how you were doing?"
At this his tail unfurled and Hollypaw watched as his head tilted slightly upwards, peeking just enough around his shoulders that the dim glow from his eyes were visible. Hollypaw slowly padded closer, squatting down beside him and donning an easy smile, she patiently waited there, allowing Redpaw all the time necessary to coax himself out of his own shell. It didn't take long this time around as Redpaw gradually turned to face her, keeping his eyes averted from her gaze as was per usual of their interactions.
"So," she began amicably, her voice light and easygoing. "What did you learn today out with Oakclaw?"
"Not much," he muttered, his gaze still downcast.
"Come on," Hollypaw nudged, hoping to glean more out of the near mute tom. "There must have been something you two did? I'm all ears."
Despite Hollypaw's persistent nudges to get the ginger apprentice to open up, Redpaw became less and less inclined to speak. What was it that he was so apprehensive to mention? Sure, Oakclaw was a slightly off putting cat that made even her squirm for some particular, but what could he have done to make Redpaw even more reserved than usual?
"Well," Redpaw murmured, causing Hollypaw to have to turn her ears inward to better hear him. "We went walking."
Hollypaw titled her head, curious. "Walking?"
"Well, we walked a long way, somewhere far off in BoulderClan territory. I don't know where, we never stopped so I could learn the surroundings."
"Is that all?" Hollypaw asked, slightly more intrigued now. Redpaw paused for a moment, tail awkwardly twitching, looking hesitant to continue. "Go on," she prodded him further. "I'm listening."
She saw Redpaw's body relax a bit, and he pressed on with, "We came to this sunny spot in the forest and sat there. And then Oakclaw asked me a bunch of questions."
"Like what?"
Redpaw squirmed uncomfortably for a moment, glancing up at her face before back down at his paws. "Stuff like, did I hate the cats in BoulderClan."
Hollypaw's eyes widened, surprised, causing Redpaw to panic and immediately blurt out, "But I told him no! I don't hate the cats of BoulderClan. None of you," he mumbled, stealing a quick glance at her expression. "Even despite even what happened today."
This was an even bigger surprise to Hollypaw. How could he possibly not hold even the slightest bit of a grudge towards the way he'd been treated? She knew there was absolutely no way that she was capable of forgiveness to that degree, probably even less when it came to some of the things that she'd squabbled with other about.
"I'm honestly shocked," she said to him. "I would've sworn that even someone as mild as you would have seen something like that as a breaking point."
Redpaw ducked his head, shrugging briefly. "Honestly, I probably would've bolted out of the camp if you hadn't come up to stand by my side. Thanks by the way," he added meekly, looking up before immediately darting his gaze back down.
A trickle of wonder dripped down Hollypaw's spine. She hadn't expected to be thanked by him. Truthfully, she hadn't expected to gain anything when she'd made the split decision move to confront the Clan about the way they were treating Redpaw. It had just been instinctual. But, for what it was worth, it felt oddly gratifying to be thanked.
Flashing him a genuine smile, Hollypaw playfully nudged Redpaw with her paw, laughing, "Your welcome, Redpaw. No worries, if ever you're put in a situation like that you can count on me to be there by your side again."
"Let's hope not," Redpaw replied, giving a weak smile in return.
A flush of warmth blossomed in Hollypaw's chest as she felt she'd just made some breakthrough with Redpaw as a person. "So?" she asked, feeling greatly at ease with the ginger tom now. "How did your talk with Oakclaw turn out?
Redpaw blinked, surprising Hollypaw as his gaze suddenly grew vacant. "Well, he asked me a question about the warrior code, and when I couldn't answer it he told me that he wouldn't speak to or train me until I did."
"What! Why?" Hollypaw fumed vehemently, shooting upright to her paws. "Don't worry, Redpaw," she growled, heading straight for the exit. "I'll go right over to the warriors den right now and confront him to his foxdung face and demand he do his job as your mentor!"
"No, don't!" Redpaw called out alarmed, quickly rising to his paws to cut her off. "You'll only make things worse," he chided, ushering her back inside the den. Redpaw had just chided her? HER, of all cats? "I'll handle this myself, please," he placated, his eyes wide and pleading. "He's my mentor and I'm his apprentice, so anything between us is between us. Let's just sit here, okay? You talk, I'll listen. Remember, not talking much just means that I'm a much better listener."
Hollypaw defiantly glared into Redpaw's desperate eyes, having every intention of going out and confronting Oakclaw, if not for him blocking her path. It was extremely more than plausible that she could shoulder her way past the smaller cat, but having exchanged such pleasantries between the soft spoken Redpaw, she was less willing than previously.
"Fine!" Hollypaw relented with a grunt. Redpaw released a sigh of pent up anxiety. Hollypaw eyed him, her tail twitching in mild irritation at having been halted. Suddenly, she got an idea. "Wait here," she told Redpaw, darting out of the den before he could voice opposition.
Having been less than a few moments, the tortiseshell she-cat returned with a mouse in jaw, placing down in front of Redpaw. "Here, thought maybe you hadn't eaten yet. We can share this mouse that I caught today."
Redpaw's eyes widened. "Wow, you caught that all by yourself?"
Hollypaw's tail flicked ardently, her pleasure at having an observer to her great deed ever so apparent. "Take a seat, Redpaw, and I'll tell you all about it."
And so I sat there and talked away while you just listened, your ears noticeably turned inward to catch every single word of my story without pause or fail. You were always attentive when it came to listening me and my problems, not matter the severity. Yes, you were a wonderful friend then, but something happened that caused you to ruin it all.