Jealousy
Envy was not something that I was accustomed to, at least not in the way that it had transpired for me. Longing, that I comprehended, that I understood from an obvious standpoint of having been outcast at such a young age, despite it all though, I had never once resented those around me for what they had and I lacked. Not until then.
"The Clan must be defended, even at the cost of your own life. Do not hunt or trespass on another Clan's territory. Elders, kits, and queens must be fed before apprentices and warriors are allowed to eat. Prey is killed only to be -," Redpaw sat lost in thought, soundly continuing his recital of the Warrior Code in search of clarity.
The answer had seemed so obvious to him in the beginning stages on his mulling, but when Redpaw had originally first approached Oakclaw with his findings the brown tabby had cheerfully listened before briefly smiling and shaking his head. It would mark the first failed attempt of several encounters that would take place afterwards.
Several days had cycled past and expired without much augmentation in way of Redpaw's situation improving. Oakclaw had kept firm to his declaration of silence and hadn't so much as twitched a whisker in Redpaw's direction, blatantly ignoring the ginger apprentice with a merry air about himself much to the ever expanding ire of Hollypaw.
"Who does that bile head think he is?" She once spitefully fumed to him, her glossy coat ruffled and bristling, honey eyes shining lethally, after witnessing from afar Redpaw's failed attempt to gain Oakclaw's approval. "We act by the code because it works! What more does that fox-face expect to get out of you?"
Redpaw, too, shared her sentiments on the matter. Whatever more it was that Oakclaw was seeking out of him, something he hadn't quite grasped yet, he severely doubted at this point that it was something several cats were aware of.
As much as she may complain and rant on about the sizeable odd tom though, Hollypaw as well had managed to keep her word to Redpaw and allowed him ample time to handle the situation himself, for which he was thankful. The brash and forward moving she-cat rarely acquiesced or accounted for the consequences of her abrasive actions, quickly gaining a reputation amongst the Clan for her propensity to most likely be involved in the midst of some petty squabble or dispute.
"Boundaries must be checked and marked daily. Challenge all trespassing cats," Redpaw continued aloud with his recital of the code. There was something hovering there just outside the visibility of his sight that linked all these rules together. He just couldn't figure out what it was. "No warrior can-"
"Don't you have your own mentor to tail after or something?" a sharp voice abruptly sliced through his rambling, catching the ginger tom completely off guard.
He glanced up to find the hardened yellow eyes of a blue grey she-cat glaring down at him. His mind blared in alarm at being snuck up upon in his own territory before Redpaw's memory slowly registered the identity of the cat as one of the senior warriors of BoulderClan, Bluefoot, and by her tone and expression it was evident that she was not pleased with him.
With an abashed feeling about himself that kept him from meeting Bluefoot's glowering stare, Redpaw reluctantly shook his head.
It must appear remarkably poor of an apprentice to be found out in the forest talking out loud to themself, Redpaw regretfully realized, silently now berating his own stupidity for making such a mousebrained mistake. Without a mentor to teach him, however, Redpaw had regulated his newfound free time to squandering around in the apprentice den. But when the immense solitude of being left alone to stew within the den began to gnaw at him, it drove him to seek refuge out in the forest where he spent days mulling over Oakclaw's question.
Realistically speaking, there wasn't much that he could do as an untrained apprentice, especially since his mentor was elsewhere without him, but being caught in such a compromising position didn't help matters much better for the situation he was currently caught up in.
"Productive members of this Clan do their part to hunt, patrol, or train," Bluefoot scolded him, scathingly. "If you're just going to sit here lazing about in the forest you can go pick ticks for the elders. I'm sure even you can manage that, right?" It was a loaded question, the kind from past experiences that Redpaw had learned to avoid answering entirely.
"Sorry," he quickly apologized, ducking his head and scampering off back in the direction of the Clan, the feeling of Bluefoot's eyes latched onto the back of his figure the entire time, following him all the way until he finally was out of sight.
Despite the burning shame radiating across his pelt, this was one time that Redpaw couldn't really feel sorry for himself. Venturing out into the forest where he could easily be stumbled upon by any cat was a bad idea from the start. He should have just bared the silence of the apprentice den and stuck it out there.
Well, it didn't much matter now what he should've done. He was in for an arduous stint within the elders den surrounded by sour, sharped tongue grizzled cats that were even less subtle about their dislike of him than the warriors and queens were, coupled with the fact that the task included the handling of mouse bile, Redpaw was lamenting even more so now his disparaging luck that had drastically grown worse since becoming an apprentice.
Where was the respect he had yearned to gain?
Proceedings for me would only take an even sour turn from there that day. I don't know exactly the moment it finally all weighed down on me, but the combined compilation of seeming to have actually taken steps back in my goal of the Clan accepting me, Oakclaw neglecting to train me, and then finally having to stand there and take the verbal lashings of the elders as I kept mute as much as psychically possible manifested this level of frustration within me that finally erupted over into something acrimonious when the apprentices returned back to camp.
There was nothing quite like reeking of mouse bile to kill your spirits. Redpaw came trudging out of the elders den drained, ears ringing, and foul smelling of a stench he was certain could be smelt from all the way on top of the Highrock. Redpaw's paws were in good need of a cleansing off in a nearby stream and his muscles were taut and sore, aching the worst from around his shoulder blades.
He lingered by the entrance of the elders den, briefly glancing up to the sky to catch the slow decline of the sun's burning rays, settling now into a warm coat of orange that layered across the camp. There was at least something decently pleasant to cap of this otherwise lackluster day for him, Redpaw relented with a subtle sigh to himself. The other apprentices would be returning soon with their mentors around this time, he took notice with exactly how far in the sky the sun actually was.
As if some self-fulfilling prophecy took heed of Redpaw's thoughts, the loud crunch of numerous paw pads on grass could be heard emanating from inside the gorse tunnel. Moments later cats began filling out into the camp, chattering amicably amongst each other, smelling deeply of the forest.
Redpaw edged away to a less evident position to avoid the notice of the freshly arrived apprentices and warriors as, silently inspecting them from afar. Everyone appeared to be in high spirits, as several of them broke off to deposit prey at the freshkill pile. Once again, the majority of them were recounting their day out in the forest along with their mentors, making a big raucous to talk over each other to be heard. Probably the most prominent of the lot, whose booming voice far exceeded the limitations of the other apprentices, was Sagepaw.
The russet furred apprentice was currently conversating with his father, the BoulderClan deputy, Brackentail.
"You should've seen me!" Redpaw heard the russet furred excitedly state. "Ashfur said that the move would've impressed even you. I was that good!" The BoulderClan deputy stood, listening with such rapt attention and contented eyes as he took in his son's words. "Ashfur said he already thinks I've surpassed the other apprentice just in battle proficiency alone, and my hunting skills are improving every day!"
Brackentail let off a pleased purr, fondly flicking his tail over the tip of Sagepaw's ear. "If you keep excelling at the rate that you have been as of late then you'll be a warrior in no time." Sagepaw's face split open into a wide smile under the warm flowing words of praise. If it was at all possible he appeared to be standing a bit taller now. "You're well on your way to being the future of this Clan."
Something grew within Redpaw in that instant, watching the touching scene between father and son play out before him. Attempting to shake the cloying sensation away the ginger tom shifted his gaze towards the other apprentice, which immediately turned out to be an even worse option.
They were just as bright eyed and animated in their discussion, detailing the highlights of their day. The cloying sensation intensified in the pit of Redpaw's stomach, slowly slithering its way in and invading his system. The smiles and level of comfortableness that the other cats held around each other made him shiver as a wave of nausea shot over him.
Why was he feeling this way?
The cloying sensation was pulsating now, pumping its way through his bloodstream until it all converged in the center of his heart, nesting there as it took root and then finally sprouted. A searing urge blossomed inside Redpaw, sending rippling waves of spite flowing through him like currents towards the other apprentices.
They had been out there learning to hunt and fight, but what of him? Redpaw questioned bitterly. What about him? What had Redpaw done? He had simply lurked his days away in the apprentice den. And what of today, picking ticks out of the pelts of the elders? That's all he seemed to be good for, menial labor, just as Bluefoot had said. Even someone like him could manage that right? Other than that though, absolutely nothing.
His focus locked onto Sagepaw's beaming face as it stared up at Brackentail, soaking up his father's prideful expression. It was here that the spite flared vehemently. Sagepaw, 'the future of this Clan'. What a perfect little position he had carved out for himself. Son of the deputy, a commanding stature for an apprentice that dwarfed the others, and the capability to learn and adapt to anything that he was taught. Surly, of any other upcoming apprentices, he was in prime position to be seen as the pride and joy of BoulderClan, something that Redpaw could never hope to be.
He has everything I could never hope to attain in my wildest dreams, Redpaw ruefully admitted to himself. He's the ideal cat, everything I'm not, and everything that I can't be. That must be what Oakclaw sees, what I'm forcing myself to ignore. There is no right answer to his question about the warrior code. He just doesn't want to train me! Redpaw fumed, scraping his claws after the coarse ground, at the same time cursing his existence.
He should've ran away the moment it was clear no one in the Clan had any intentions of volunteering to train him. Redpaw was too blame. They were to blame for this. All of them for being able to have what he could not!
"I can't stand them," he spoke wretchedly, every screaming molecule and matter that made up his body, having finally reached an apex. "I hate-," the words caught in his throat as his eyes caught sight of Hollypaw laughing with other apprentices, eating a vole. He immediately felt terrible.
The cloying jealousy was burned away only now to be replaced with an undiluted severity of shame. The regret was decisive and biting, tossing Redpaw into a distressing bout of guilt. He felt utterly disgusted with the things he had just thought and nearly said. Hate was the one thing he couldn't allow himself to have, no matter what. It was too personal to how his upbringing had been for him to indulge in such an emotion.
No matter how much his envy may hurt inside of him, the ability to hate someone else hurt even more. He should know, considering he'd been on the receiving end of it for so long. It was the sole reasoning why he didn't wish it on another living soul.
I drifted away from the scene soon after that, burying my jealously alongside deep within me where hopefully it would never resurface. I remember reciting the Warrior Code to myself afterwards, as a way of keeping my mind preoccupied with something else. It helped, though I knew it wouldn't stave the emotion for long. My jealousy would rise to rear its ugly head once again, but this time in a situation that I would not be able to control it.