Chapter 4: The handkerchief

After being unable to sleep all night, I had to visit him. I had to hear some explanation of him, Illya had been my friend for some years, he still is my friend but I need to know. I need to know why… Why did he try to kiss me? Was I so blind? For how long was this going on?

Napoleon rubbed his eyes as he sighed. This situation had become complicated, even for him. He had affair after affair, so many affairs…. So many love interests and his friend had always been there, right next to him. Illya had seen him flirt and kiss with all those women. Napoleon had often bragged about what happened afterwards, in bed or in the car even. How humiliating this must have been for his friend.

"Hell of a friend you've been Solo." He murmured under his breath as he grabbed a fresh handkerchief out of his drawers .

One hour later

The room was silent as he entered, startles blue eyes watched him as he entered. They watched unsure over Napoleon as he walked closer to the bed. "I thought to bring this over, since I know you need it to sleep better."

Illya groaned as he tried to look at what his partner was holding. He took the white handkerchief and held it clamped in his fist. "Thank you."

"You're welcome partner." He whispered with a tiny grin. It had always been cute to know that his partner needed a piece of cloth tugged in his hand to be able to sleep. Napoleon knew some of these facts. He knew for a fact that his partner has a need to touch things, his fingers has to feel anything. It's a way of securing himself. He also has a manner of standing close to Napoleon which is also likely is a way of security. "We need to talk Illya."

"There is nothing to discuss, it was a mistake." The older agent sat down before he continued speaking. "No mistakes were made. I want you to be honest for once. How long has this been this going on?"

The blond closed his eyes. "some years, I guess." He sighed, knowing his world was going to end once again. "I never mend to tell you… I'm so sorry."

"To be honest, I never had something with a men Illya…"

"I know… You don't have to make excuses Napoleon. I know your answer…"

"You had something with a man before?" I need to know Tovarish."

Illya closed his eyes for some seconds, knowing there was no going back now. He had to tell the truth, Napoleon deserved to know who or what his partner really is."Yes… His name was Anthony. I met him in the university of Sorbonne." His partner smiled. Finally he would hear something out of his friend's past, it was about time now. "Anthony? A French boy?" He smiled further as he noticed his partner turned bright red. "No,… British. He was a student on loan, just like me. After that year he returned to Cambridge and I followed of course."

"How old were you?"

"I was 16 end Anthony 19." There was a silence in the room for a moment before he continued speaking. " We were together for almost two years but I had to return to Russia for 18 months. I had to do my military service. In that time I received a letter that Anthony had died in a car accident."

Napoleon held his breath, that was not what he had expected. Again a tragic ending for his friend. "I'm sorry about that."

"That's ok Napoleon, it's the past." The blond man gave his partner a shy smile. "He's actually the first and last man I had a relationship with. I tried with women but it was never the same, you know. Kissing women… it's not the same. "

"I can't tell, my friend. Never kissed a man until you did. Must say it affected me somehow."

"In what way?"

"That I keep thinking about you and wonder how it would be? I never been with a person who actually cares about me."

Illya lowered his head. "I'm sorry if I confused you." He whispered while he fumbled his handkerchief.

"No Illya please… give me some time. I want to actually know you better."