Ablaze

by awalkerlifeforme

Aspen Antaeus has escaped the Hunger Games twice. She has become the face of the rebellion against the Capitol. But there is one thing stopping her from assuming her role as the Mockingjay. Her husband, Cato Hadley, was left in the arena to die. But when Aspen is given proof that he lives on, she joins the fight. And she will not stop. Not until every inch of the Capitol is ablaze.

18. Chapter 18

Blindsided. I knew the word well enough, but this was the true meaning of it. This was the part of it that I had never truly understood before. Being blindsided by someone you trusted. That was how I felt when Haymitch told me in the hospital. I jumped from my bed, ripping out the needles and saline drip, and flew down the steps to Command, mind racing a mile a minute. Haymitch stumbled after me, likely not expecting me to be able to move as fast as I was right now. I was so distracted by the burning fury that I ended up bursting right into a war meeting.

"What do you mean, I'm not going to the Capitol? I have to go! I'm the Mockingjay! I need to be in the Capitol!" I shouted, ignoring the baffled looks from the men and woman in the meeting.

Coin barely looked up from her screen. "And as the Mockingjay, your primary goal of unifying the Districts against the Capitol has been achieved. You've been very successful as the Mockingjay. And now we want you to rest. And to heal."

"The last the rebels saw me, I was lying on the ground," I snapped.

"We put out the propo to show that you were alive," Plutarch pointed out.

"It wasn't enough!" I yelled. This wasn't an option. I needed to get out of this damn place. I needed to be in the Capitol right now. I was already wasting time. "For all they know I could have been bleeding out right there."

"Aspen, we won't let this momentum go to waste. We'll shoot more propos right here in Thirteen, showing them that you're alive and on the road to recovery," Plutarch said, trying to reason with me.

"I should be with the troops," I told him.

"It'll be like being on the front lines," Plutarch said.

Except that it would be impossible for me to shoot an arrow through Snow's forehead from Thirteen. If I wanted to do that, I literally had to be on the front lines. "As far as the soldiers know, you survived a bullet to the heart," Coin said reassuringly. I scowled at her. That wasn't the goddamn point. "I think they'll understand why you're not with them."

"That's not enough," I growled.

"Don't worry - if it goes well, when we win the war, we'll fly you in for the surrender," Coin continued. "We'll need you for the ceremony. You're very valuable to us."

My value must have been the only reason that they weren't planning on letting me go to the Capitol. They couldn't afford me dying. But I didn't care. There was something that I needed to do. Coin's words bounced around in my head. The surrender? The ceremony? No way. That didn't work for me. By that point, Snow would likely already be taken by the rebel forces to stand trial. But there was a good chance that he would live out his life in prison on some diplomatic immunity. No. I needed him to die a slow and painful death at my hand. No one else's. Certainly not nature's.

"That'll be too late! I'll miss all the fighting," I shouted. I had to give a good reason as to why I would have wanted to go - other than my assassination plot. "You need me - I'm the best shot you've got!"

Everyone in the room didn't even look the slightest bit convinced as to whether or not I was telling the truth or if I was right. But I knew that I was telling the truth. I must have been - by a long shot. I didn't usually brag about that, with the exception of at the start of the first Games, but it had to have been at least close to the truth. I loved shooting but I knew that it had been a long time since I had really taken a practice shot. I was definitely a little weaker and a lot more unhinged these days. I knew that Coin had every right to be reserved.

There had to be another argument - a more human argument - to get Coin on my side. "Gale's going," I pointed out.

"Gale has shown up for training every day unless occupied with other approved duties. We feel confident he can manage himself in the field. How many training sessions do you estimate you've attended?" Coin asked knowingly.

None. That was how many. I'd never even considered attending those training classes. I'd always thought that they were stupid. Now I was paying for it. This was exactly what I deserved for having completely ignored my training schedules over the past few months. The only time I had ever paid moderate attention to them was when they suited me. I had always known that I should have worked with them more often, but I had been so angry with the people in Thirteen that I had deliberately ignored them. This was how they were finally getting back at me for it.

"Well, sometimes I was hunting. And... I trained with Beetee down in Special Weaponry," I argued weakly.

"It's not the same, Aspen," Boggs said, and I immediately knew that he was right. "We all know you're smart and brave and a good shot. But we need soldiers in the field. You don't know the first thing about executing orders, and you're not exactly at your physical peak."

"That didn't bother you when I was in Eight. Or Two, for that matter," I countered.

"You weren't originally authorized for combat in either case," Plutarch sneered, shooting me a look that signaled I was about to reveal too much.

In the heat of the moment, I had almost forgotten that very few people knew that I had blatantly ignored orders in both of those situations and run straight into danger. No, the bomber battle in Eight and my intervention in Two were spontaneous, rash, and definitely unauthorized. The others had only been protecting my rash choices. When it came to Thirteen, I had never really listened to anything they wanted. Everything had been done for my own personal gain. I was just lucky that Coin hadn't caught onto my actions yet.

"And both resulted in your injury," Boggs reminded me.

Suddenly, I saw myself through his eyes. He wasn't wrong. Once I had gotten a piece of shrapnel through the shin and the other time I had taken a bullet straight to the heart. But I was no hero to them. They saw me as I was. A smallish barely twenty-year-old girl who couldn't quite catch her breath since her ribs hadn't fully healed. Disheveled. Undisciplined. Recuperating. Not a soldier, but someone who needed to be looked after. Obviously, they didn't think that I was battle-ready. Even I knew that I wasn't battle-ready. Not that I would ever admit that to him.

Suddenly my mind shot to the other people who had been training over the past few months - even on and off. I wanted to know if the rest of them were being authorized to go out onto the battlefield. At the moment, Gale was the only one I knew about. If they were, I had to be with them. I couldn't just stay here. I couldn't just let someone else do it - although I knew that if I couldn't make it to the Capitol, Katniss would have gladly been the one to kill Snow for me. But this wasn't something that she could do. I had to be the one to do this.

"Is Katniss going?" I asked them.

"Katniss will have to prove herself during the end of training sessions. She missed almost half of the training sessions she should have been attending," Coin explained.

As per usual, they tried to keep Katniss out of the fighting almost as much as they tried to keep me out of it. "She's just as good of a shot as I am!" I barked indignantly.

"But she, like you, doesn't know the first thing about following orders," Coin pointed out.

It was a fair argument. "What about any of the Hadley's?" I asked.

They seemed much more willing to let them go into the fighting. "Dean, Skye, and Julie will be going to the Capitol. They will be in the same squad with Gale," Boggs explained.

So, they were allowing them out there. And I needed to be with them. "That's my brother-in-law! I have to be with them!" I yelled.

That was four people who were going. Katniss would make five if she could. I deserved to be with them. "The three of them have been training since they first arrived in Thirteen," Coin pointed out. I scowled at her. "You won't be alone here. You will be working with the rest of Cato's family to ensure that the Districts know you are still alive and on our side. You can do more here than you ever could in the Capitol."

It was almost impossible to cover up my snort with a cough. That was such a lie. There was nothing more that I could do here other than stew in my misery. I had to get to the Capitol. It wasn't an option. I refused to stay here any longer. I had already wasted too much time here. I had to go. If nothing else, to finally serve Snow his payback for killing all of my friends and family. For what he had done to Cato. I had let enough people do my job for me. There was no way that I would wait here and let someone else do what needed to be my final act.

"But I have to go," I said stubbornly.

"Why?" Coin asked, finally looking up.

All of my comments vanished from my mind. What was a good reason for me to go to the Capitol? I couldn't very well say that it was so I could carry out my own personal vendetta against Snow. Or that the idea of remaining here in Thirteen with the latest version of Cato while Gale and Katniss went off to fight was unbearable. Those would surely erase my deal for the rescued Victors. No matter what he was like, I had to protect Cato. But I couldn't do that here. I needed to go. And I had no shortage of reasons to want to fight in the Capitol.

"Because of Twelve. Because they destroyed my District," I told her.

The president thought about that for a moment. Considered me. As much as I did hate what Snow had done to Twelve, there was a bigger reason that I had mentioned the destruction of my home. Because she knew exactly what it felt like. The Capitol had done the same thing to her home long ago. Before she was born, but I knew that she would understand where I was coming from. Coin stared at me for a long time, as did the others in the room. But the choice was hers. I stared her down, hoping that I looked the slightest bit intimidating and not like a pouting child.

"Well, you have three weeks. It's not long, but you can begin training," Coin finally conceded. "If the Assignment Board deems you fit, possibly your case will be reviewed."

That was it. That was the most that I could hope for. I wanted to scream from happiness, but I knew that it would still be almost impossible for my case to be cleared. I was a mess of a person - physically and mentally. I guessed that most of it was my own fault. I did blow off my schedule every single day unless something suited me. It didn't seem like much of a priority, jogging around a field with a gun with so many other things going on. I had wanted to inconvenience them. Turned out I had only done it to myself. And now I was paying for my negligence.

"I'll do whatever you need me to do," I said.

A few weeks of listening to the guards and trainers would be nothing. I would just have to put up with it. I rose from my chair without another word and turned to glare at Haymitch, who didn't look happy with me. But I was going to the Capitol. No matter what. There was absolutely no way that I would stay here while everyone else fought. I would try and train and see what happened. Maybe I could make it work. But even if they said no, I would still be going. One way or another. I had been through too much to stop now.

Judging by the glare on Haymitch's face, I had a feeling that I would be hearing about my sudden outburst later. Right now, it was a problem for later. I waltzed through the corridors, trying to ignore the searing pain in my ribs. Training shortly after being shot at point-blank range probably wasn't a marvelous idea, but I didn't have a better one. Once I got back to the hospital, I found Johanna in the same circumstance and spitting mad. She was apparently in even worse shape than I was. I quickly told her about what Coin said.

"Maybe you can train, too," I offered.

"Fine. I'll train," Johanna said bitterly. She must have felt the same that I did. We were Victors. We had already proven ourselves. We shouldn't have needed to train. "But I'm going to the stinking Capitol if I have to kill a crew and fly there myself."

"Probably best not to bring that up in training. But it's nice to know I'll have a ride," I said.

Johanna grinned, and I felt a slight but significant shift in our relationship. It was one of the only times that I had gotten a genuine smile from her. I didn't know that it would be safe to say that we were actually friends, but possibly the word allies would be accurate. That was good. I knew that I was going to need an ally. Katniss would be of no help, seeing as she wasn't going to be in the same class. If I wanted someone to spur me on with sharp words as encouragement, there was no better person for me than Johanna Mason.

The night passed quickly in the hospital. It was the first time in a long time that my nightmares didn't focus on Cato. Instead, this time I dreamed that my ribs clawed their way out of my chest. No less disturbing, but at least I didn't have to see his face. Once I had finally washed off and gotten over my nightmare, I walked off to training with Johanna at my side. We were halfway to the training yard when we ran into Katniss. Johanna continued on as I stopped, trying to give my best friend as much of a smile as I possibly could.

"Are you going to the Capitol?" I asked her.

Katniss let out a deep breath. "If I can. Coin says that I haven't been attending enough classes to really get out there. She says I'm not far enough along in training." She stared angrily at the wall behind me, looking as though she was desperate to burn a hole through it. "So, I guess the only thing I can do is train as hard as possible over the next three weeks."

"I'm going," I said determinedly.

"You have broken ribs," Katniss pointed out.

"I don't care," I said stubbornly.

"I know," Katniss responded, smiling fondly at me. I knew that she would have felt the same way if she were in my spot. "I'll help you."

As always, we were in this together. "I'm going to kill Snow," I told her quietly. She nodded. She didn't look happy - more relieved that he would finally be gone. "Nothing good is safe while he's alive. And I can't make another speech about it. No more cameras. No more propos. No more games. He needs to see my eyes when I kill him."

Katniss nodded her agreement. "Whatever it takes. He has to pay for what he's done," she said fiercely. I knew that the conversation wasn't over, so I stood with her in silence, waiting for her to just say it. Eventually, she did. "I know what you're planning to do."

Naturally. It would only make sense. Katniss was my best friend. She was the one person who would have known that I wasn't planning on walking out of the Capitol again. I knew that things would have been the complete reverse if it was Katniss in my spot. She would likely be planning on dying during her crusade to kill Snow. No matter what, I knew that the two of us had always been in this together. The question was if she was willing to go as far as I was. After all, her life hadn't been completely devastated just yet. She still had a chance to change things.

"Figured you would," I answered numbly.

"We promised each other something a long time ago," Katniss said. I stared at her confusedly. "We would always fight together, no matter what the cost."

She couldn't do the same thing I was planning to do. We couldn't both be gone. "They need you," I told her.

Katniss shook her head with a bitter smile. "Not anymore. Prim's all grown up. Mom's finally back to herself," she explained. I supposed that she was right. Just like Cato's family hadn't needed him anymore, ours didn't need us. But that didn't mean that our families were okay without having us. "Who knows? I think we've faced worse odds before." I managed a very slight smile. "We're sisters. I'm with you. No matter what it means."

No matter how long passed, we would always be family. "What training class are you in?" I asked her, desperate to change the subject.

"Mid-level. Putting me with the sixteen-year-olds," Katniss said grouchily.

"Could be worse. I'm with the fourteen-year-olds," I growled.

Katniss smiled bitterly, probably the slightest bit amused that I was now in a lower training class than she was. "How are you doing?" she asked me after a long silence.

Telling her anything but the truth would have been useless. We both knew how bad things really were. "Trying to focus on the only thing that matters right now. Getting to the Capitol and killing Snow," I told her. I'd released Cato back in Two. I couldn't go back on it now. My mind had to be elsewhere. "I can't afford to think about anything else that might distract me."

"I'm really sorry about him, Aspen," Katniss said quietly.

That made two of us... "Thanks, Cat," I muttered. As much as I loved Cato, I had to stick to my guns when it came to releasing him. I knew that I was just holding out false hope otherwise. "I just keep thinking that maybe he'll get better. Not with me. I don't think he'll ever be okay with me again. But maybe he can start to get back to normal with me gone."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Things might all pan out," Katniss said.

"How much of you believes that?" I asked her sharply.

"Would you rather me tell you that he'll hate you forever?" Katniss offered.

"I'd believe you," I said numbly.

There was a good chance that he would hate me forever. It would be almost impossible to change things now. The two of us stood in silence for a long time. I let out a deep breath as I stared at her. I missed Cato so desperately. I missed those days that I got to be with him. There hadn't even been that many of them. It was so unfair. I wanted to be doing everything and nothing with him. But those days were long behind us. Gone were the days of being a few kids who were in love. No matter what happened, those days were never coming back.

After a long silence, Katniss finally spoke again. "How's Seneca?"

My eyebrow raised. "You care?"

Katniss nodded slowly, still looking rather unsure. "He's become a really good friend to you over the months. If you care about him... I care about him too."

She would never care for him the way that I did, but I was glad that she was at least making the effort. "He was saying that he'll probably relocate after the rebellion is over. They want him out of Thirteen once it's all over. But he doesn't want to go back to the Capitol. He said that he was thinking about Four," I explained to her.

"Lots of water. It'll be pretty. Peaceful," Katniss said thoughtfully.

"That's what I thought," I muttered.

We stood in silence for a while before she spoke again. "Hey. We're both going to get to the Capitol. I promise."

"No matter what it takes," I said quietly.

"No matter what," Katniss agreed. It would just be a matter of time before we found out whether or not we would ever walk back out of it. "Hey. Remember when we were kids and we promised each other that one day we would leave Panem behind?"

The conversation had taken place a long time ago when we were both barely even teenagers. Prim would have never even remembered those chats that we'd had. It was one of the first few times that we had genuinely discussed getting out of Panem. Leaving the Games and the Capitol behind and starting a new life somewhere else. Somewhere that we didn't ever have to remember the horrors and suffering that had plagued our childhoods. I remembered the idea of sailing off into the sunset well. It was an idea that had died with the first Games.

"Of course," I told her.

"Maybe we can do that once this is all over. You and me. Prim and Mom," Katniss suggested. I frowned at her. Perhaps two years ago I would have agreed. Not now. "The four of us can get out of here for a little while. Even if it means taking a few weeks to just live in seclusion. Take a break from this place. Get away from everything for a little while. Things won't be great for anyone in the weeks and months after the rebellion ends."

But I had a different idea. "Cat..." I muttered.

"At least tell Mom and Prim. Tell them," Katniss said seriously. "Remember what we agreed before the first Games ever happened?"

"Give them hope," we said together.

"Yeah, I will," I mumbled.

It would be a miracle if we both actually managed to survive the raid on the Capitol. "If either one of us wants to get to the Capitol, we should probably get to training. It's going to start any minute now," Katniss offered after a few seconds of silence.

"Time to see just how terrible of shape I'm in," I joked weakly.

Maybe I could act quickly during a life-or-death scenario, but training was disciplined. This would be something else entirely. "You've been in great shape your entire life. A few weeks of less movement than usual shouldn't be that hard. It might take a few minutes to get back into being able to work out, but it'll be okay," Katniss said hopefully.

"You're right. Maybe a day or so," I said, knowing that it wasn't the truth.

"Hey," Katniss said, nudging me on the shoulder. "Love you."

"Yeah," I sighed.

"Come on. Say it back," Katniss teased.

"Love you too," I finally conceded.

No matter what happened, I did love her. She would always be one of the most important people in my life. The two of us stood together for a long time before Katniss moved forward to wrap me in a hug. I wanted to pull away almost immediately. I didn't want to touch anyone right now. But the moment that Katniss's arms wrapped around me, I melted into my little sister. I had always tried to pretend to be so tough - and sometimes I really was - but I had refused help for so long. I needed it right now.

She was what I needed right now. The truth was, she was the person I always needed. For as much as I had loved other people and fallen in love with one particular person, there had always been one constant in my life. Even long before Cato had ever made his way into it. My sisters and my mother. The three people that I would have never been able to truly let go of. The three people that I desperately needed right now. I breathed out softly into Katniss's shoulder as she stroked my unruly hair back over my shoulders.

"I love you, Cat," I muttered honestly.

"I love you too, Aspen," Katniss replied.

We both gave earnest - albeit weak - smiles as we pulled apart. "Good luck today," I told her.

"Yeah. You too. Let me know how it goes."

"If I'm still alive, will do," I teased.

We both laughed loudly as I walked off. There was a good chance that we would both be a pile of mush by the end of the day. I supposed that I would see later. The area where Katniss was training was on the other side of Thirteen. We wouldn't see each other again until tonight. Right now, Katniss looked absolutely miserable that she would have to actually train like a real Thirteen soldier for the next few weeks. I understood her position completely. I hated this. I was about halfway through my walk when I spotted Dean. He looked like he was heading in the same direction.

"Hey, Dean," I called.

Dean turned to me and arched a brow curiously. "Aspen," he greeted, waiting for me to come up to his side. "What are you doing out here?"

"I'm heading to training," I answered.

Dean stared at me blankly. "Seriously?"

"If I want to go to the Capitol, I only have a few weeks to prepare. I have to be able to pass the final tests."

Dean's eyes turned down sadly. "Oh, Aspen... You have a bruised lung and ribs and a whole other list of injuries. Let's not forget about the concussion," Dean said.

"Oh, yeah, can't forget that one," I huffed.

"What I'm trying to say is that you might not be ready for this one," Dean corrected himself. I let out a deep breath. I should have known that he was going to argue this one with me. "I know that you want to be there but it's one of the most dangerous places for you to be right now. You're public enemy number one. The moment you set foot in the Capitol, all guns will be on you."

"I don't care," I said determinedly.

"Aspen -"

"You know what he did," I interrupted angrily. Dean nodded slowly. This wasn't just about me. This was about everyone Snow had hurt. "Not just to me, but to everyone else. They won't do it. There'll be a trial and he'll get some kind of diplomatic immunity. Or the whole process will take too long. He's already old and ailing. He'll get to live out the rest of his life awaiting his punishment. That can't happen. I need to be the one to do it. I need to look him in the eyes when I kill him. I need to see him take his last breath."

Dean was silent for a long time. He knew exactly what I was telling him. Not just that I planned on assassinating the president, but that I also wasn't planning on coming back. Either dying myself in the Capitol or getting myself imprisoned for life. At that point, I would have rather committed suicide. Either way, I wasn't walking out of the Capitol. I was smart enough to know that. So was he. I thought about trying to convince him that my comment had been in the heat of the moment but I quickly decided against it. He wasn't fool enough to believe that.

Finally, Dean managed to find his words. "You're aware of what that might mean for you?"

"I know," I said tonelessly.

"You're still so young," Dean argued weakly.

"I've done enough in my life. Been through a lot," I told him. I'd seen everything I needed to see - and far more. "But there's one thing I've never truly felt. Peace."

"You don't have to be dead to have peace."

"Haven't had it when I was alive."

"Don't give up yet," Dean told me desperately. I merely stared at him. He wasn't talking me out of this. Dean let out a deep breath and gently rested his hand against my arm, pushing me forward." I raised a brow at him. "Come on. If you want any chance of getting to go to the Capitol, you can't miss any more training sessions."

"What are you doing going to training for the beginners?" I asked curiously.

"I'm a trainer," Dean answered.

My face flushed. No matter what, I still had my pride, and this was definitely a damaging moment. "My brother-in-law is training me... Okay, that's kind of embarrassing," I said, laughing awkwardly.

"Come on," Dean said, nudging me along. "I promise to only laugh a little bit."

"You're an asshole," I snapped.

Dean grinned. "Where do you think -?"

His voice dropped off as all color drained from his face. "Cato got it from?" I offered quietly, knowing that he wouldn't speak.

Dean moved forward but didn't touch me. I knew that he was embarrassed for what he had just said. "I'm - I'm really sorry, Aspen," he stammered. "I didn't think before I said it and -"

"I'm not upset with you, Dean," I interrupted. We would be here all day if I wanted to wait for him to get his apology out. Either way, there was nothing to apologize for. "I get it. It's hard not to talk about him. He's your brother. He was my husband." Dean frowned at my wording. "I can't just expect that no one will ever mention him to me again."

Dean shifted awkwardly. "Don't think about him right now."

"Not a second has passed that I haven't thought about him," I said honestly.

We stared at each other for a long time. There was nothing left to say after that. Talking about Cato was tough. It always would be. "Come on. You'll be late if we don't hurry," Dean said, gently nudging me along.

Unfortunately, the moment we reported for training at seven-thirty, reality slapped me in the face. We had been funneled into a class of relative beginners, fourteen or fifteen-year-olds, which seemed a little insulting until it was obvious that they were in far better condition than we were. Gale and the other people who had already chosen to go to the Capitol were in a different, accelerated phase of training. Skye and Julie were also in the advanced training phase. Everyone else would be remaining in Thirteen for most of the final invasion of the Capitol.

It was definitely embarrassing that Dean was going to be there, watching my every move, and ultimately judging just how well I was doing. I hoped that he wouldn't watch me too closely. I didn't want him to think that I was a weakling. Even though he definitely knew by now that I was tough. I supposed that it didn't help that the bitter part of me didn't want it somehow getting back to Cato that I couldn't even get through some simple training exercises - a thought that I was mortified to admit to myself.

It didn't take long at all for me to realize that soldier training in Thirteen was very much like the Career training that Cato had once told me about. There was likely a very good reason for that. These people in Thirteen were supposed to be top-notch soldiers. They simply didn't have as many fighters as the Capitol did. That meant that they had to ensure that theirs were at least better trained. From what I could see, so far even the kids were better trained. They were putting me to shame.

After we stretched - which hurt - there were a couple of hours of strengthening exercises - which hurt - and a five-mile run - which killed. Within an hour of being in training (a ten hour day) I already wanted to drop dead. Dean knew it. He spent most of his time telling me that I could do it, hovering around me. He was definitely being tough with me but I knew that it was out of love. Even with his consistent growls to move faster and Johanna's motivational insults driving me on, I had to drop out after a mile.

A mere second later, Dean was at my side. "Come on, soldier! Back to it!" Dean shouted.

"I - I can't," I wheezed.

The air wouldn't go back into my lungs, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't breathe. "You're not getting out of it that easily. Take my arm," Dean offered, his gaze softening for a moment.

"Dean..." I mumbled.

"Now!" Dean snapped, back to his prior self.

Now I saw where Cato got his domineering personality from... I grabbed onto Dean's arm and allowed him to yank me along with him. He was doing most of the work. The muscles in my legs certainly weren't as strong as they had once been (my legs throbbed and the muscles pulsated with each step) but that wasn't the real problem right now. The problem was that my ribs were contracting horribly with each step I took - even once I slowed to a walk. My lungs and ribs couldn't take the pain much longer.

"I've got to stop," I eventually gasped, collapsing to my knees.

"Two miles, Aspen. Three more to go," Dean prompted. I couldn't believe that I had even managed it that far. "Come on!"

I tried to imagine that Snow was in front of me, that running to him would finally allow me to kill him, but even that wasn't enough to override the pain. "I can't. My ribs can't take it," I finally admitted.

Dean's face softened again. "Okay. Alright. Take a breather," he said, patting me on the back.

I nodded, collapsing to the ground. It felt like something had snapped in my legs. Was it the bone? I wouldn't have been that surprised. Dean stayed at my side long enough to grab me under the arms and help me limp over to the bleachers that we were allowed to rest on. So far, I was the only person sitting on them. I frowned as Dean patted me on the knee and went back to the rest of the runners. A stab of disappointment shot through me. I'd thought that I was better than this.

It wasn't long before a figure appeared at my side. I frowned up at the disappointed look I was receiving. "It's my ribs," I explained to the trainer, a no-nonsense middle-aged woman we were supposed to address as Soldier York. "They're still bruised."

There were some other problems, but the ribs were the ones that were hurting the most and keeping me from really working. "Well, I'll tell you, Soldier Antaeus, those are going to take at least another month to heal up on their own," Soldier York said.

I shook my head. "I don't have a month."

She looked me up and down. "The doctors haven't offered you any treatment?"

"Is there a treatment? They said they had to mend naturally," I told her.

"That's what they say. But they could speed up the process if I recommend it," Soldier York said. I immediately perked up. Why the hell hadn't anyone told me about that? "I warn you, though, it isn't any fun."

"Please. I've got to get to the Capitol," I said.

At this point, whatever pain that was coming my way would be nothing. I was used to it by now. What was the worst that they could really throw at me? Soldier York didn't question my last statement. She knew that everyone here - me, in particular - had every reason to want to be there for the invasion. She scribbled something on a pad and sent me directly back to the hospital. I hesitated. I didn't want to miss any more training. I was already at the very bottom of the class and couldn't afford to keep falling.

"I'll be back for the afternoon session," I promised.

She just pursed her lips. I rolled my eyes and turned the other way. I'd be just fine. Maybe it would hurt for a little while, but that would be fine. I was used to things hurting. A few hours out of training before I could come back and grit my teeth through the pain. A day or two and I would be back to normal. That was a good enough plan. Johanna watched me leave. She gave me a reassuring nod as I promised that I would be back once my ribs were healed. I was almost back into the hallway when I was cut off by Dean.

"Where are you going?" Dean asked curiously.

"Oh, Soldier York was just telling me about some kind of process that'll help my ribs heal up a lot faster. Not sure what it is but she wrote me a note to authorize the treatment," I explained, handing him the piece of paper.

Dean scanned over it for a moment before handing it back, a frown marring his face. "Aspen, I'm not so sure that you'll want to go through with it," Dean said. I scowled at him. This was my ticket back to the Capitol. I had to go through with it. "That's a tough treatment. Most of the toughest male soldiers won't even go through with it."

"So, I'll be something special," I said carelessly.

Dean smiled. "You certainly are."

Much to my own surprise, even I smiled. Dean called back to Soldier York that he would return in a few minutes as he wrapped an arm around my back and helped me limp downstairs. My legs now felt like jelly and my ribs seemed to be straining against my lungs. Dean helped me down the stairs onto the hospital floor before letting me know to head back to my room there. At this point, I really might as well have just made my permanent residence there. I had lived more in the hospital than I had lived anywhere else in Thirteen.

It had become quite clear to me - especially with Dean's interest in my training - that Cato's family had been trying extremely hard to make me feel better about things. In their own way, Cato's family had been wonderful. But, for the most part, I had a hard time facing them. It wasn't easy. I always saw Cato in them. I didn't want his family to realize just how twisted things were in my mind these days. I was almost back to the hospital wing when I ran back into Carrie, who I had tried to avoid since our conversation about kids a few days ago.

"Aspen," Carrie greeted happily, pulling me in for a hug. I smiled weakly at her, cringing at the searing pain in my ribs. "I thought that you were back in training. Well, in training for the first time, actually. Dean told me this morning."

"I was. But we had to do a five-mile run and I made it a mile originally. Dean got me to keep going for another mile but I couldn't keep going after two. The bruised ribs are too painful. They said it would take a month to heal up on their own. There's no way that I can wait a month. I've only got three weeks before we all start deploying to the Capitol," I explained. Carrie nodded. "So, Soldier York gave me permission to do some procedure to help heal myself quicker."

Suddenly, the smile on her face vanished. "Aidan was telling me about that. Apparently, he helps out with Prim sometimes in the hospital with it. It's painful, Aspen," Carrie told me.

"In my life, what isn't?" I offered.

She frowned. "I'll come with you if you want," Carrie offered. I arched a brow. "Could be nice to have some support."

"Doubt it'll be that bad," I said carelessly. Carrie looked saddened by my denial. "But, yeah, okay. Come on."

The two of us headed out toward the hospital. Carrie laid an arm around my waist to ensure that I didn't have to put all of my pressure down on my legs, which were still incredibly sore. Once we had arrived back in my hospital room, I walked up to one of the nurses and handed over the slip that Soldier York had given me. The nurse read it over and immediately looked back down at me. She looked at me doubtfully but told me to lay down on the hospital bed anyway. I did so and stared up at the ceiling as I waited. Carrie was in the chair next to me.

The nurse was wandering back and forth as she prepared the... whatever it was. "Just a few things we have to ensure of before we can put you through the procedure," the nurse said, looking down at her clipboard.

"What's that?" I asked.

"There are a couple of medications I can't have you on, no prior seizures, no heart problems, and no pr -"

"She doesn't have any of those," Carrie interrupted. I looked up at her and narrowed my gaze. One day I would have to learn to get used to hearing people mention pregnancies. "She's clean."

"Ready to get started?" the nurse asked me.

"Sure. How bad can it be?" I said.

Twenty-four needle jabs to my rib cage later, I found out just how bad it could be. I was laying, flattened out on my hospital bed, gritting my teeth to keep from begging them to bring back my morphling drip. It had been by my bed so I could take a hit as needed. Before this, I had known that I couldn't take it. If I did, I would have had to go through the detox process again, which certainly hadn't been pleasant. I hadn't actually used it lately, but I had lately been keeping it for Johanna's sake. She used more than enough for two people.

Just before starting the procedure today, they had tested my blood to make sure it was clean of the painkiller, as the mixture of the two drugs - the morphling and whatever it was that had set my ribs on fire - apparently had dangerous side effects. The doctors and nurses had made it clear that I would have a difficult couple of days. But I told them to go ahead. For a brief moment, I wished that I would have just put up with the pain in my ribs during training. That was much easier than having to deal with this.

To keep Carrie from asking me any questions or worrying about me, I had been pretending to be asleep. Even when Johanna had come in from training for the night, I had squeezed my eyes shut and ignored her. She must have known that I was awake, as I was trembling and sweating, but she ignored it and went to bed. Nearing the middle of the night, I found myself wishing desperately that I could just smash myself over the head to pass out. But I couldn't. I was wide awake. Even when the door to my hospital room opened.

"Carrie?" Dean's voice called. There was some rustling from her side of the room. "Come to bed."

"I can't. I promised Aspen that I would stay with her," Carrie replied quietly. "I know that Johanna's here, too, but I think it helps to have someone around who can motivate them to keep going."

"She actually went through with it?" Dean asked.

"Who can be surprised? She wants to get to the Capitol."

"To kill Snow."

"Yeah," Carrie agreed. They sat in silence for a while before Carrie spoke again. "Did you talk to Cato today?"

"For a few minutes," Dean said. I had to resist flipping over to look at them. I didn't know that the doctors were letting any of Cato's family speak to him regularly. I didn't know that he was stable enough. "They don't let any of us have more than five minutes. That's about as long as he can hold it together most of the time. But it was a good five minutes."

"What happened?" Carrie asked.

"A lot of conversation about his teachers and life back in Two. We talked about you. We talked about that game he used to like to play when he was little."

"Did you mention Aspen?"

"He did."

"He did?" Carrie asked curiously.

To attack me, more than likely. "It's weird, Carrie. She's one of the only people or things he genuinely wants to talk about. Sometimes I think he'll be okay. I think he's just confused. He wants to know what memories of her are real and what ones aren't. Sometimes he's got real memories. He thinks about those nights that they spent together, away from the cameras," Dean whispered. My heart nearly stopped. Did he know about those? "But something triggers him. A mention of Seneca Crane or the thought of Gale or anything having to do with Leah and Two and the Games."

"That sets him off?" Carrie asked.

"Yeah."

There was another long silence before Carrie spoke again. "What do you think?"

Finally, someone would tell me the truth. Even if they didn't know that they were. "He's not the same. I don't know if he ever will be," Dean admitted. "I just hope she doesn't give up on him. With time... I think they could get there."

"I just want him to be happy. I want them both to be happy together. She's come to be like a sister to me. To all of us, I think," Carrie said sadly.

"She is. We've just gotta get her back to my brother," Dean said.

I let out a deep breath. This definitely wasn't something that anyone was going to let go. "You should go," Carrie eventually said. "I don't want to wake her up."

"Give her my best. I'll see you in the morning," Dean said.

"Goodnight, love," Carrie replied.

At least someone was happy. I liked the two of them together. They were some of the few people who actually seemed happy to be together. There was nothing but love between them. When Dean finally left, Carrie still didn't say anything to me. She merely leaned back in the chair and went to sleep. But I didn't and neither did Johanna, who I knew was also awake. She had likely just overheard that entire conversation. But I was in way too much pain to even think about Johanna's interest in my story. It was a conversation that I would handle later.

It was definitely a bad night in our room. Sleep was out of the question for both me and Johanna. I thought that I could actually smell the ring of flesh around my chest burning, and Johanna was fighting off withdrawal symptoms. Eventually, I gave up pretending to sleep and stayed up with Carrie. Early on, when I apologized about cutting off Johanna's morphling supply, she waved it off, saying it had to happen anyway. But by three in the morning, Carrie and I were the targets of every colorful bit of profanity District 7 had to offer.

During the following few hours, I knew that Carrie was being as helpful as she possibly could. She got Johanna everything from glasses of water to simple pain pills, which Johanna slapped away with a number of nasty - albeit rather impressive - curses. Carrie tried to keep our minds off of the pain with idle chitchat, but nothing worked. Talking made things even worse. The more that Carrie spoke, the angrier Johanna got. Eventually, we resigned ourselves to just waiting out the rest of the evening in silence. At dawn, Johanna dragged me out of bed, determined to get to training.

"I don't think I can do it," I confessed.

"You can do it. We both can. We're Victors, remember? We're the ones who can survive anything they throw at us," Johanna snarled at me.

Carrie laid a hand on my arm. "Come on, Aspen. You can do it. You've always been able to do it. Prove Snow wrong about you. Prove to him that you can beat him. He can't kill you or keep you down," Carrie said quietly.

She was right about one thing. Snow couldn't kill me. He wasn't going to keep me down. I was going to get up and go to training this morning, just as I had promised Soldier York I would. Snow was wrong about me. He couldn't destroy me. Not until I got my revenge. I turned slowly to look at Johanna, who was still glaring at me. That was when I realized that she was a sick greenish color, shaking like a leaf. She was having a much harder time with her withdrawals than I had. I turned back and got dressed.

We must have been Victors to make it through the morning. Every move sent a searing pain through my chest. My head spun with each step. My legs threatened to give out once we made it to the stairs. But between the two of us, and with Carrie around, who had refused to leave us alone, we were somehow able to make it to the training yard. Although, I thought that I was going to lose Johanna when we realized that it was pouring outside. Her face turned ashen and she seemed to have ceased breathing.

"It's just water. It won't kill us," I told her sternly.

Johanna clenched her jaw and stomped out into the mud. Much to my surprise, Carrie followed us out. Rain drenched us as we worked our bodies and then slogged around the running course. I bailed after two miles again, even with Dean's insults and Carrie's gentle urging, and I had to resist the temptation to take off my shirt so the cold water could sizzle off my ribs. I did lay down on my back so that it could hit me more directly. Later on, I forced down my field lunch of soggy fish and beet stew. Johanna got halfway through her bowl before it came back up.

Dean and Carrie were definitely good for motivation throughout the day. But their teaching styles were much different. Carrie was kind and quiet, trying to gently assist me with the pain in my ribs. Dean, on the other hand, continuously shouted at me that I wasn't working hard enough and that I could do more. It was the Academy in him. The entire thing was tough love but it was also exactly what I needed to make it through the day. The biggest problem was that it actually felt like my ribs were going to cave in on themselves. It felt like my body was slowly killing me.

In the afternoon, we learned to assemble our guns. I managed it after a while, but Johanna couldn't hold her hands steady enough to fit the parts together. When York's back was turned, I helped her out. I was sure that Carrie caught me doing so, but she made no mention of it. She only smiled at us and pulled Dean to the other end of the firing range. Even though the rain continued, the afternoon was an improvement because we were on the shooting range. At last, we were doing something that I was good at.

It definitely took some adjusting from a bow to a gun. The kickback wasn't what I was expecting. There was almost nothing when I fired a bow, but the gun was nearly knocked from my hands on the first few shots. While Johanna was managing to use the gun, none of her shots appeared to actually be hitting the targets. But she was managing. For me, though, I finally felt like I might have stood a real chance at getting to the Capitol. By the end of the day, I had the best score in my class. Not that it was that impressive when I was around a bunch of fourteen-year-olds, but still.

We were just inside the hospital doors when Johanna declared, "This has to stop. Us living in the hospital. Everyone views us as patients."

"You're right," I agreed. She was right. We looked so pathetic every time we came back here. "Come on. Let's see if they'll discharge us."

As it turned out, there was no argument for us to be discharged. It definitely wasn't a problem for me. I could move into our family compartment, but Johanna had never been assigned one. She had lived in the hospital since returning from the Capitol. When she tried to get discharged from the hospital, they wouldn't agree to let her live alone, even if she came in for daily talks with the head doctor. I thought that they might have finally put two and two together about the morphling and this only added to their view that she was unstable.

"She won't be alone. I'm going to room with her," I announced.

All jaws in the room dropped. Even Johanna's. We hadn't exactly crossed the line into friends yet, but I wanted to be there for her right now. She was my ally. And, who knew? Maybe there was a chance that we could become friends. I certainly had a shortage of those. There was some dissent about our potential rooming, as we had never really seen eye-to-eye before, but Haymitch took our part, and by bedtime, we had a compartment across from Prim, Katniss, and Ms. Everdeen, who agreed to keep an eye on us.

After moving into our new room and taking a quick shower, I started wandering through the hallways. I wasn't sure what I was doing. I just couldn't sit still right now. I needed to go do something else. I needed to feel like I was making some progress. Walking at least made the pain in my legs even worse. That helped to distract me from the searing pain in my ribs. The legs were easier to deal with. I was about halfway through my aimless wandering of Thirteen when I ran into Seneca. I hadn't seen him in a few days. He had been handling the upcoming attack on the Capitol.

He was the best person for it. He knew their ins and outs. I gave him a halfhearted smile as we met in the middle of the hallway. "I hear you had your ribs fused," Seneca said, probably noting the look of pain on my face.

"Is that what that fucking thing was that they did to me?" I hissed.

"Last I heard, you were the one who asked them to do it," Seneca said.

"I thought it'd be slightly less painful," I admitted.

Seneca let out a deep breath as he laid a hand against my arm. "Don't ever underestimate just how painful those kinds of procedures are. The main reason you didn't feel anything when they healed you back in the Capitol after the Games is that you were on heavy pain medication and you were knocked out through most of it," he explained.

"Trust me, I wish I could have the morphling back," I groaned.

"You don't. You'll have to go through detox again and I don't think you enjoyed it very much the first time."

"Still... I can't take this much longer."

The pain was almost unbearable. All of it. Inside and out. "Look at me," Seneca said sternly. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into him. I groaned in pain again as I stumbled straight into his chest. He kept a hand against my waist to keep me from falling or my legs from giving out. "You can do this... You've been through worse. This is nothing. Just a little setback."

He was, as always, correct. I couldn't go through the withdrawal process again. "Okay... Yeah, you're right. Made it this far. I'm not going back," I admitted to him.

"The fusion is one of the most painful processes they have in the Capitol," Seneca explained.

"Oh, I highly doubt that," I said.

Seneca's face dropped as a guilty stare fell over his face. "Aspen, I -"

"It's fine, Seneca," I told him. His involvement in the Games didn't even occur to me that often these days. "At this point, I'm used to it."

The two of us stood in slightly awkward silence for a little while. Seneca eventually figured out where to redirect the conversation. "We hear you moved in with Johanna," he said.

"Yeah, I did. Tonight is going to be the first night," I told him. Seneca gave me an incredulous look. "I think by now I can trust her not to stab me while I sleep."

"You're braver than me," Seneca teased.

We all knew by now that Johanna would have never been able to take me. Not that I really would have been able to take her right now. We were both useless in a real fight. Right now, at least. Currently, I was shaking and had already broken out in a thin veil of sweat. No. I definitely wasn't strong right now. I knew that I couldn't go back on the morphling drip - they would pull me from training immediately if they realized that I was getting dependent on the medicine again - but that didn't change the fact that I was so desperate to have it.

Finally, I looked up and realized that I actually had no idea where I was. "Where am I?" I asked dumbly.

"Nearing Command," Seneca answered blankly. "Was there something you were looking for?"

"No. Actually, I don't know what I was doing," I answered honestly.

"Come along. Let's get you back," Seneca said.

But I didn't really want to go back. Right now, I really wanted to wander the halls aimlessly. I was annoyed and angry and didn't want to try and force myself to go to sleep, the pain still radiating roughly through my chest. But I wasn't in the mood to argue with him, so I nodded my agreement. Seneca wrapped an arm around my shoulders as he walked me back toward my new room. Some of the people in the halls gave us scrutinizing stares. I knew that no one was comfortable with the idea that we were friends. But I didn't care. I was just glad to have him around.

Since I was mostly blind to where we were going, Seneca walked me all the way back to my compartment. It was a good thing that he was doing all of the hard work because, at the rate that I was going, I would have never made it back. As we approached the door, Seneca helped me limp back inside. Much to my surprise, Johanna didn't seem to have even bothered to try and take a shower yet. But she did give us a quick glance before walking into the bathroom for a moment to give us some privacy to say goodbye. Johanna closed the bathroom door behind her but I never heard the water run.

"Thanks for walking me back. But I can handle myself from here," I joked, motioning over to my bed.

"Goodnight, Aspen," Seneca said.

"Goodnight, Seneca," I replied.

The two of us stared at each other for a long time. There was something unsaid here but I wasn't sure what it was. Seneca smiled weakly at me and leaned down to press a small kiss against my cheek. Much to my surprise, for just the briefest of seconds, I felt my stomach lurch slightly. It was the same feeling that I had once gotten whenever I was around Cato. Not nearly to that magnitude, but it was definitely there. And I knew that Seneca felt it too. But he didn't act on it. He merely smiled at me before turning and leaving, only stopping in the doorway for just a second.

"I'll check on you soon," Seneca said.

"Thank you. For everything," I told him.

He grinned again before turning and leaving the bedroom. Mere moments later, the door to the bathroom opened and Johanna emerged. I was incredibly grateful that she didn't ask me any questions about Seneca. She still hadn't showered. Johanna simply sort of wiped herself down with a damp cloth as some form of a bath. Afterward, she made a cursory inspection of the place, slowly padding her way around the small room. When she opened the drawer that held my few possessions, she shut it quickly.

"Sorry," Johanna said quickly.

It was perhaps the only thing in the entire room that had something that genuinely belonged to either one of us. The things in there were definitely private, but when was the last time that my private life had really been private, after all? If anyone deserved something to see, it was Johanna. I thought about how there was nothing in Johanna's drawer but her government-issued clothes. That she didn't have one thing in the world to call her own. I wanted to ask her about where her family had gone, but this was the wrong time. This was my time to be open.

"It's okay. You can look at my stuff if you want," I told her.

Johanna unlatched my locket, studying the pictures of Gale, Prim, Katniss, and Ms. Everdeen. It was the first time that I'd noticed that none of them were smiling in their portraits. She opened the silver parachute and pulled out the spile and slipped it onto her pinkie. Out of the few things I still had, I couldn't believe that was one of them. Johanna's gaze quickly shot down to the few remnants in the drawer. The picture of us at our wedding, Cato's sketch of me on the rooftop, and my wedding ring were pushed toward the back. Remnants of another time, I thought.

"Cato drew this?" Johanna asked quietly, gently raising the paper.

"Yeah," I answered thickly.

"It's really good," Johanna said.

"I told him the same thing," I said.

Johanna nodded and placed the paper back down. A second later she gently picked up the ring, looking almost like she was afraid that she would break it. She fingered the feather band. "You kept this?" she asked tensely.

It was one thing I didn't think that I could ever get rid of. It meant too much to me. "Just a memory of a good time in my life. I wore it right up until..." I said, my voice eventually giving out and dropping off. Johanna nodded understandingly, placing the ring back in the drawer. "Took it off when I realized that things wouldn't ever be the same."

"Sorry," Johanna muttered.

"Me too," I said.

Johanna picked up the spile again. A small grin tilted up on her lips. "Makes me thirsty just looking at it." Then she found the pearl Cato gave me. "Is this -?"

"Yeah. Made it through somehow," I interrupted.

My tolerance for talking about Cato had come to an end. I could never seem to stop thinking about Cato. He was always in my mind, one way or another. But it was almost impossible to talk about him without getting upset. He was too hard to think about. Talking about him was unbearable. I didn't want to talk about Cato. Not now and likely not ever. One of the best things about training was, it kept me from thinking of him. At least during the times that we were in the training field. Otherwise, I always seemed to be thinking about him.

"Haymitch says he's getting better," Johanna said.

"Maybe. But he's changed," I said.

"So have you. So have I. And Finnick and Haymitch and Beetee. Don't get me started on Annie Cresta. The arena messed us all up pretty good, don't you think? Or do you still feel like the girl who volunteered for your friend's sister?" Johanna asked.

"No," I answered honestly.

"That's the one thing I think my head doctor might be right about. There's no going back. So we might as well get on with things," Johanna said. I nodded at her. She was right. It was time to move on. One way or another. Johanna neatly returned my keepsakes to the drawer and climbed into the bed across from me just as the lights went out. "You're not afraid I'll kill you tonight?"

"Like I couldn't take you," I answered, dropping into the other bed.

Then we laughed, since both our bodies are so wrecked, it would be a miracle if we could get up the next day. But we did. Each morning, we did. Not an easy task, but somehow, we managed. Seneca stayed at my side a lot of the time, just helping me keep my morale up. Katniss helped me try and advance through the rankings even quicker. Dean would give me slightly cruel but very effective motivation. Skye and Julie took time out of their own training to help me. By the end of the week, my ribs felt almost like new, and Johanna could assemble her rifle without help.

Much to my own surprise, I turned to Johanna and gave her a little smile. Somehow, we might actually manage to get out to the Capitol. We both had weight to put on, needed to steady our hands, and learn how to take orders, but this was a good start. In fact, I hadn't heard Dean be so complimentary to someone since starting training. Soldier York gave the pair of us an approving nod as we knocked off for the day. It was the first time I had seen her look even moderately impressed.

"Fine job, Soldiers."

When we moved out of hearing, Johanna muttered, "I think winning the Games was easier."

But the look on her face said that she was pleased. So was I. For the first time in a while, a real smile appeared on my face. As we passed the edge of the training field, I noticed that Seneca had been lingering in the doorway, watching us. Watching me, more appropriately. My smile faded as I watched him. His gaze was on the target I had been using. The center of the target was missing from how many times I had managed to hit it. He gave me a slight nod as he turned and walked back into the hallway. My smile returned.

Cato's P.O.V.

Cato found himself sitting in the middle of the bed in his hospital room. He didn't know what time it was. It could have been in the middle of the day. It could have been the middle of the night. There was no clock in the room. The minutes simply ticked away. Cato picked at the skin surrounding his thumbnail. His hands were still bound but they were no longer chained down to the bed. He could slightly move around. He was grateful for that much, at least. It had been months since he was able to actually sit up in his own bed.

There was a very slight knock on the door. Cato didn't bother to speak. It didn't matter whether or not Cato actually wanted them to enter. They would do whatever they wanted. But Cato did glance up. The doctors that had been taking care of him over the past few months entered the room, not even looking at him. He had become quite accustomed to seeing them. But, much to his surprise, Carrie entered behind them. Cato stared at her. He hadn't seen his sister-in-law in a few weeks. It was strange to see her now. She smiled at him.

"Hey, sweetie," Carrie greeted happily.

"Hi, Carrie," Cato responded.

"How are you feeling?" Carrie asked.

"Fine," Cato answered honestly. "How'd they like the cake?"

Carrie's eyes brightened slightly. "Oh, Annie and Finnick loved the cake. It was a big hit. No one in Thirteen's had sugar like that in a long time," she responded happily. Cato nodded. He had actually almost enjoyed making the cake. It was the only time he had actually been unbound. "I think they would come and thank you themselves but I'm not sure if you're allowed visitors other than family yet."

"They don't trust me," Cato told her.

"They're working on it. Give it some time," Carrie said comfortingly.

"Where is she?" Cato asked suddenly.

For some reason, a flash of Aspen's face had gone through his head. Carrie's face fell slightly. "Let's not talk about that right now," she told him. Cato frowned at her. No one ever wanted to tell him anything about her. But he wanted to know. "How about you tell me how the paintings have been going? They look really good." Carrie's eyes scanned over the canvases littering the room. Her gaze settled on the one he was currently working on. "What's that one?"

"I don't know," Cato told her honestly.

He had no idea what most of the paintings in his room were actually about. He just drew random things until he couldn't think of anything else to draw. Most of them seemed to vaguely resemble people. But there were other things. Maybe memories of the Games or his life back in Two. He wasn't sure. Carrie and Cato stared at his latest painting. The picture was of a man and a woman laying on a bed together. It was drawn deliberately fuzzy. The only clear part of the picture was the blonde hair on both of the figures. Cato was immediately snapped back to another time in his life.

The two of them were laying in bed together. He and Aspen. He could remember that much. They were in bed on the train the morning that they arrived in District 5 for the Victory Tour. The memory wasn't like most of the ones that he had of her. This one was almost perfectly clear. Not shiny, like so many of his other memories of her were. Cato thought about the memory in confusion. He remembered the smiles on both of their faces. His sadness. Her love. Her support. She turned her gaze up to Cato and smiled gently. He stared down at her.

"How are you?" she asked him quietly.

Cato smiled sadly down at her. They both knew the answer to that one. "Thank you for coming in last night," he told her.

"You didn't leave me alone after we left District 11 because you knew that I needed someone. I know that you needed someone," she said. Cato nodded at her. "I like to think that I'm the one you need."

"You are. Always," Cato said, brushing the hair back off her forehead.

"We should probably go. Effie will want us to start getting ready for the ceremony," Aspen said tiredly.

"Just a little longer," Cato whispered.

Much to Cato's surprise, he wanted to keep watching the memory. Because he wasn't sure if it was real or not. Because he wanted to know. Aspen smiled in the memory as she rested back against his bare chest. His hands reached up to run through her blonde hair, pushing it back off her forehead. She tucked her head into his chest slightly. The tips of Cato's fingers gently trailed down her bare arms. She giggled quietly. Cato watched in amusement as the goosebumps rose against her skin.

"Finch wanted us to win together, you know," Aspen said, finally breaking the silence.

"Finch?" Cato asked.

"That was her name. The girl from Five," Aspen explained.

"I didn't know that..." Cato said guiltily.

"They'd probably prefer it that way. They don't want us to think of each other as anything but numbers," Aspen said, looking at the wall behind his head. "But we're not. We're all so much more than that."

Cato stared at her. "We are. I never thought about it before," he told her. Aspen raised a brow. "How much more we all were than just competitors in a game. Those are real lives. They really do end. And they leave this trail of... devastation behind."

"They do. But we live on, for the people who lost their lives to them. We don't just throw away a second chance," Aspen told him quietly.

"No. We don't," Cato agreed.

"Hey. Look at me," Aspen whispered.

Her voice barely sounded like hers. The voice that he remembered, at least. Her voice was so quiet and comforting right now. She gave him a slight smile as she got up and crawled into his lap. Cato stared at her as she boldly laid her legs on either side of his lap, holding one hand against his heart and the other against his cheek. She leaned into him and pressed a small kiss against his throat. Cato hummed pleasurably. His hands worked into her shirt and bunched it against her back. She smiled up at him.

His hands eventually released her shirt and worked up so that they could wind around the back of her neck. She smiled at him again as he pulled her in for a kiss. Something in his stomach lurched as he watched the memory. He had always loved those kisses he got with her. His arms wound tightly around her as her arms looped back around his neck. He smiled as she giggled softly against his mouth. His hands immediately worked their way up to thread themselves into her hair, using it as a grip. He wouldn't let her go. Not now and not ever.

Aspen let out a breathy moan as Cato grabbed her underneath her thighs, tightening his grip slightly. The edges of his short fingernails dug into her skin. A possessive nature fell over him as he kissed her. He had never felt that way about anyone. But that might have been because there had never been someone like her in his life before. His hands traveled to her shirt and gently began to work at it, removing it from her body. He knew that she wasn't there yet, but she didn't seem to be objecting to him. She even helped him shrug the shirt off, tossing it to the floor.

Cato released Aspen long enough to stare at her. She smiled as his eyes trailed over the lines of her body. Eventually, Cato grinned and gently pushed her back against the bed. She started laughing. She smiled again through the kiss as her hands worked against the bottom of his shirt. He helped her pull it off and tossed it to the ground with her own. A moment later he crawled on top of her, pushing her into the bed. He didn't know if she was really ready for this. But he didn't stop. She would stop him if things went wrong.

"Aspen! Cato!" Effie Trinket's voice called. The two of them sprang apart nervously, Cato almost throwing himself onto the floor. "We'll be arriving in District Five shortly. Please get ready!"

The fading sound of her clicking heels told them both that she had left. "I - I'm sorry," Aspen muttered breathlessly.

"No. No, I am," Cato told her desperately. He should have stopped it. "I should have -"

"You shouldn't have," Aspen interrupted. "I was..."

"Ready for it?" Cato asked her curiously.

"Well -"

"I'm teasing you," Cato interrupted, grinning at her.

"Don't do that," Aspen snapped.

"Sorry," Cato said, laughing at the scowl on her face. He pressed a small kiss against her temple as he pulled her down into the bed with him again. "It's all up to you. We can move as slow or as fast as you want. You tell me if you want to keep going or you want to stop. You tell me if you need time apart. They'll see what they want to see and order us to do what they want but... it doesn't have to be that way when it's just us. You deserve to be in control of this one part of your life. It's up to you."

Aspen looked shocked with what he'd said. "It's yours, too. What do you want?" Aspen asked him quietly.

"You. In any way I can have you," Cato said honestly.

"You have me. Now and always," Aspen said, laying up against his chest. He pressed a kiss into her hairline. She smiled up at him, gazing into his eyes. "This isn't the Cato I met in Remake."

Cato shook his head at her. He never wanted to be that man he had introduced himself as in Remake. He wanted to be this person that he was right now. "He was never real. He was just a persona. One that took on a life of its own. This is the real Cato," he told her, running his fingers down her arms. "He just had to find someone who helped, or forced, him to bring it out."

Aspen laughed sweetly. "I like this version of Cato," she told him.

"I do, too," Cato said.

They laid together in silence for a little while. Finally, she spoke again. "I want to." Cato's eyebrows rose in shock. She really wanted to sleep with him? Since when? "But I need some time," Aspen continued.

"Take all the time you need. I'm here when you're ready," Cato said.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Is this really what you wanted? Am I really what you wanted?" Aspen asked.

"You're what I never thought I would want. You're bull-headed and stubborn and annoying and a little tough to get emotion from sometimes," Cato told her. Aspen barked out a little laugh that Cato smiled at. "But I love you the way you are. I'd never want you to change. I mean, I'm one to talk about being bull-headed. We're both stubborn. You might not be the most emotional person in the world, but I know how to get it out of you. It's what makes those little moments worth it. You're not the kind of person I ever thought I would love. But you're what I know I need."

"You're right about that. I do need you," Aspen said.

Cato shook his head at her. "You don't need me."

It was her turn to shake her head. "No, I do," she said, wrapping her hand around the belt loops on his pants. He let out a deep breath. His hand went back to wrap around her small hip. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I don't know what you'd do without me, either. But I do know that this bed would be a lot lonelier," Cato said teasingly. Aspen laughed happily. "You wouldn't have someone to do... this..."

Aspen smiled at him again as Cato flattened his hand out against her lower stomach and gently pushed her back into the bed. Her laughter echoed around the room, making a smile tilt up on Cato's lips. Her giggles echoed around his mind as his lips traveled from her mouth to her throat and down to the top of her chest. His lips moved back up to her mouth as her legs wound in with his. He felt her shin hook around his calf. He smiled at her through the kiss. He had never loved someone the way that he loved her.

"Aspen! Cato!" Effie yelled into them. Cato groaned and drove his forehead into her chest, feeling it bounce slightly with her quiet laughter. "Are you ready?"

"Yes, we are," Cato called out to her.

Effie humphed her approval before leaving. Aspen looked back up at him and smiled. "I love you, Cato -"

"Cato?" Carrie's voice called. "Honey? You okay?"

Cato's head slowly turned toward her. He had been staring down at his bound hands for a long time. Carrie looked quite confused. He was confused too. How long was he in his own head for? Thinking about that life with Aspen. Was it real? Or was that a memory that had been implanted in his head? He didn't know what was real and what was just his imagination. He grit his teeth in annoyance and anger as he tried to figure out what kind of memory it was that he was just thinking about. It seemed so real, but she was a monster.

"Tell me about her," Cato told Carrie suddenly.

"What?" Carrie asked, baffled.

"Tell me about her," Cato repeated.

Carrie shook her head, gently laying her hand on his. "Oh, Cato, let's not talk about her right now. It's not important," she said carelessly.

"Carrie -"

"I'll tell you about her, Cato. I promise. But not right now," Carrie said. But he wanted to talk about her. He needed to know about her. "Let's just talk about something else for a while." Cato nodded blankly, knowing that this conversation wouldn't go any further with her. "Maybe not in here. The identical surroundings probably make you a little crazy. Let's do something. Do you want to get out for a little while?"

"No way they'll let me," Cato muttered.

"We have permission," Carrie told him. Cato raised a brow. They never let him leave the hospital. Not in months. "You can sit at the family table or you can sit with your friends. But... you'll have to get permission to sit wherever we go. Oh, and I don't think you can take the handcuffs off." Cato laughed humorlessly. "They're little steps, Cato. I'm proud of you. We all are. You're already looking and sounding much better."

"What friends?" Cato asked her.

"All of your friends, Cato," Carrie said quickly, empathy dripping from her tongue. "We'll all sit together. All of the family. Everyone else."

"Who else?" Cato asked tersely.

A bead of sweat broke out on her forehead. "She'll probably be there," Carrie finally admitted. Cato nodded at her. "If you're not ready, we can go another day."

Cato thought on that for a long time. He felt that familiar pull settle into his bones. Which way to go? It was like he was constantly caught in some type of internal battle with himself. What would he do? Sit with her. Try and be friendly with her. Hear her out. See if she really was a mutt like President Snow had shown him. Get to say everything that he had been holding back. Crane would probably be there. He could kill him. He could kill her. Cato's hands began clenching and clawing at his thighs maniacally as his pupils dilated.

"Cato?" Carrie's voice echoed, bringing him back to himself.

"What?" Cato asked, releasing the tension in his hands.

"You okay?" Carrie asked him.

Cato's eyes slowly began returning to their normal appearance. He saw Carrie's stance relax slightly. "Yeah. I'm fine. Could use some food and a real walk," Cato told her, getting to his feet.

Carrie smiled. "Alright. Let's go."

As the two of them walked out of the hospital room, Carrie smiled at Cato. He deliberately kept his hands out of her view. His hands clenched and released themselves angrily as he thought about seeing her again. He could kill her... He could hear her out... He didn't know. He remembered the woman who lied to him and loved Seneca Crane. But then he thought about the woman who sang to him on the rooftop of the Training Center. Which one was she? Cato shook his head and headed through the halls with Carrie. He didn't know who she was. Hell, he didn't even know who he was.

Aspen's P.O.V.

It turned out that Johanna and I were almost in good spirits when we went to the dining hall, where Gale and Katniss were waiting to eat with me. A few others were with them. Dean and Aidan smiled at me before walking off, likely to our table. They usually sat with us, even though the Hadley's had their own table. Pride was seeping off me in waves as I shook out my tired hands from firing the gun. Receiving a giant serving of beef stew didn't hurt my mood either. It was the first time I had seen real food since arriving in Thirteen that I hadn't hunted.

"First shipments of food arrived this morning. That's real beef, from District Ten," Greasy Sae told me as I stared down at it, bewildered. "Not any of your wild dog."

"Don't remember you turning it down," Gale tossed back.

Greasy Sae gave a slight scowl. "How's living with Johanna?" Katniss asked as we walked to the table.

"Not bad so far. She's a lot nicer here in Thirteen than she was in the Games. But it would have been a lot harder for her to be worse," I told her.

"It was kind of funny watching her during the Games," Gale said, chuckling softly.

"Oh, thanks," I snapped.

"We knew that she was secretly protecting you," Gale said.

"That doesn't make it better," I told him sharply. Gale opened his mouth to start talking about when I interrupted him. "How was your training?"

Katniss rolled her eyes. She had clearly enjoyed training much less than I had. "Tiring and annoying. I don't like listening to the others but I know that it's the only way to get out to the Capitol," she admitted.

"You only have to listen to their orders now. Once we're in the Capitol, we can get to it," I whispered to her.

"This is why they don't want you as a soldier," Gale pointed out.

"Right you are, my friend," I agreed.

While Katniss laughed, Gale scowled at me. But I wasn't in the mood to argue with him right now. We joined a group that included Delly, Annie, and Finnick. Most of Cato's family were there too, with the exception of Carrie and Marley. I assumed that she was taking care of her daughter right now. It was nice to see. It was something to see Finnick's transformation since his marriage. His earlier incarnations - the strangely helpful and secretive guardian angel in the first Games, the decadent Capitol heartthrob from before the Quell, the enigmatic ally in the arena, the broken young man who tried to help me hold it together - those had been replaced by someone who radiated life.

Finnick was the happiest person at the table and it showed in the way his personality reflected on the rest of us. His real charms of self-effacing humor and an easygoing nature were genuinely on display for the first time. He never let go of Annie's hand. Not when they walked and not when they ate. I doubted that he ever planned to. She was lost in some daze of happiness. There were still moments when you could tell that something slipped in her brain and another world blinded her to us. But a few words from Finnick called her back.

Delly, who I had known since I was little but never gave much thought to, had grown in my estimation. She was told what Cato said to me that night after the wedding, but she wasn't a gossip. Haymitch said that she was the best defender I had when Cato went off on some kind of tear about me. With Felix and Marcus permanently back in Two, there had to be a new neutral party to try and remind him of who I was. His own family tried to help, and they were apparently quite good at it, but they were only given a few rare chances to see him.

As it turned out, Delly spent a lot of time with Cato. More time than I had ever thought that she did. From what Haymitch said, Delly was always taking my side and blaming his negative perceptions on the Capitol's torture. Apparently, the two of them had become good friends since meeting each other a few months ago. He quite liked her. There was some moronic jealousy on my part, but I knew that she was just being helpful. She would never do that. Delly had more influence on him than any of the others did because he really did know her now.

Cato spent more time with her than anyone else as it had been so rare for his family to be allowed in to talk to her. Although, they were apparently letting his family see him more and more these days as he had calmed down significantly since first arriving in Thirteen. I tried to keep from getting too excited over that news since he still had a number of meltdowns about me. Anyway, even if Delly was sugarcoating my good points, I appreciated it. Frankly, I could use a little sugarcoating. A lot of it, actually.

Thankfully, since no one ever spoke about Cato to spare my feelings, I was able to focus on something else. Today, it was the first decent meal that I'd had in a long time. I was starving and the stew was so delicious - beef, potatoes, turnips, and onions in a thick gravy - that I had to force myself to slow down. I had a feeling that I would choke if I didn't stop eating. But it had been so long since I'd had real food that I couldn't stop myself. My full mouth kept me from speaking, but I did watch the others in the room a lot.

It was a nice sight. One that I hadn't seen in a long time. All around the dining hall, you could feel the rejuvenating effect that a good meal could bring on. The way it could make people kinder, funnier, more optimistic, and remind them it wasn't a mistake to go on living. There even seemed to be some color in the dull gray surroundings of Thirteen. It was better than any medicine. So I tried to make it last and join in the conversation. Sop up the gravy on my bread and nibble on it as I listened to Finnick telling some ridiculous story about a sea turtle swimming off with his hat.

Laugh at his stupidity before I realized that he was standing there. Directly across the table, behind the empty seat next to Johanna. Watching me. Carrie was standing at his side, smiling tensely. The entire dining hall went silent as they realized what was happening. The others at the table hadn't seen it yet. I choked momentarily as the gravy bread stuck in my throat. The conversations ceased as everyone leaned over to see if I was okay. I waved them off, trying to avoid the embarrassment of my reaction to seeing him out in the open.

"Are you alright, honey?" Alana asked me.

"Uh..." I gasped.

"Hey, Cato," Dean said suddenly.

All eyes jolted up to him. "Cato!" Delly chirped brightly. "It's so nice to see you out... and about."

No one was concerned about me anymore. I wiped the beading sweat off of my forehead and rubbed my sweaty palms together. Two large guards stood behind Cato. He was holding his tray awkwardly, balanced on his fingertips since his wrists were shackled with a short chain between them. That didn't make me any less nervous. I could see the look in his eyes. That look I had become so accustomed to seeing whenever he looked at me. Debating whether to kill me or not. Watching me with a mistrusting glare.

"What's with the fancy bracelets?" Johanna asked, breaking the long and awkward silence.

"I'm not quite trustworthy yet. I can't even sit here without your permission," Cato said.

There was some shame in my chest as I thought about how great it was that someone was keeping an eye on him. I knew that they were right. He wasn't trustworthy yet. He likely never would be. There were some sideways glances cast as me as Cato's gaze ran up and down the table. He indicated the guards with his head. I knew that everyone was waiting for me to answer and tell him whether or not he could sit here, but I couldn't. The words had gotten themselves stuck in my throat. Someone else spoke before I could.

"Sure he can sit here. We're old friends," Johanna said, patting the space beside her.

It was a good thing that she had said yes because there was a good chance that I would have said no. I swallowed thickly as Cato turned back to his guards. The guards gave me a cursory glance and I gave the slightest incline of my head. Maybe this would be a chance for me to show Cato that I wasn't the bad guy here. Maybe I could convince him that I didn't want to hurt him. That I never did. The guards nodded and Cato took a seat. The two guards didn't leave, although they did take a few steps back to give us some sense of normalcy.

"Cato and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams," Johanna continued.

My head shot up. Cato looked as though he hadn't even heard her. Johanna was grinning at us. Annie, who was on Johanna's other side, did that thing where she covered her ears and exited reality. For a brief moment, I felt terrible for her. What life must have been like when you were consistently trapped inside your own head. At least my mind was still somewhat intact. Finnick shot Johanna an angry look as his arm encircled Annie. I wanted to say something to her, but I was too busy trying to pretend that Cato wasn't here.

"What?" Johanna asked him. "My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy."

In a matter of seconds, the life had completely gone out of our little party. The world seemed to have a lot more of a grayish tint to it again. The rest of the dining hall seemed to be quieter. The food suddenly didn't taste quite as good as it had five minutes ago. Finnick murmured things to Annie until she slowly removed her hands. Then there was a long silence while people pretended to eat. No one spoke. No one looked at me or spoke to me. No one looked at Cato either. But I knew that they were waiting to see which one of us would make the first move.

It wouldn't be me. Even though I wished that it would be. I wanted to try and be the bigger person. I knew that I was being unfair, spending a long time trying to ignore the occasional looks that Cato would send me from the other side of the table. I tried to think of something conversational to say to him, but I couldn't. I was afraid of the response that I might get - no matter how simple the question was. Eventually, Cato's family began trying to integrate him into the conversation. But it was still tense. They were some of the only people who were speaking.

Cato responded to them mostly with short, clipped tones. But they were friendly enough. He was starting to sound a little more like himself but he definitely still sounded wrong. The emotion wasn't completely there. There was something wrong with his voice. Not to mention the simple fact that he looked so mistrusting. Even to his family members. I knew that he didn't always believe them. He thought that I had brought them onto my side, or some nonsense like that. Bitterness was the only way to keep me from being heartbroken.

Once or twice throughout the meal, I tried to meet Cato's eyes. Actually, I was trying to force myself to speak to him. I knew that it was the right thing to do. This was a great moment to try and make amends with him. But I couldn't. It was so much harder than I had ever expected it to be. I couldn't stand the look in his eyes. He looked like he was about to try and attack me. So, I tried to keep my head down at the table and focus on the food that I was actually enjoying for once. Rather, the food that I had been enjoying.

"Annie, did you know it was Cato who decorated your wedding cake?" Delly asked brightly, trying to finally break the awkward silence. "Back in Two, he started to learn to paint. It turned out that it carried over into decorating cakes."

Annie cautiously looked across Johanna. "Thank you, Cato. It was beautiful."

"My pleasure, Annie," Cato said.

My heart skipped a beat as my head snapped up to him. He was still looking at Annie. There was a softness in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time. He seemed to be missing that sharp edge that I usually saw in them. There was something about his voice right now, though. For just a brief moment, I had heard that old note of gentleness in his voice that I thought was gone forever. Not that it was directed at me. But still. Was there a chance that he might have slowly been coming back to himself?

"If we're going to fit in that walk, we better go," Finnick told her.

We all watched as he arranged both of their trays so he could carry them in one hand while holding tightly to her with the other. It was the way that Cato and I had once been. There was a little stab of bitterness and heartbreak that shot through my chest. Why could he look at everyone else the way that he had before but still not me? I knew why. I knew that almost all of the torture had been from memories of me but that didn't stop me from being hurt and bitter and directing it at the wrong person.

"Good seeing you, Cato," Finnick told him.

"You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you," Cato replied.

It almost could have been a joke - it was the kind of joke that Cato would have made before he had been taken by the Capitol - if the tone wasn't so cold. Everything it conveyed was wrong. The open distrust of Finnick (who he had always trusted), the implication that Cato had his eye on Annie, that Annie could desert Finnick, and that I did not even exist. His eyes hadn't once even flashed in my direction. My nerves stood on end as I looked at him. The rest of Cato's family were all looking in between the two of us.

"Oh, Cato," Finnick said lightly. "Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart."

Right now, even I was sorry that Finnick had restarted his heart - a thought that I was immediately horrified had crossed my mind. Finnick gave Cato a long stare and lead Annie away after giving me a concerned glance. I didn't hold his gaze for long. I didn't want to see the guilt in his eyes right now. Besides, I had a feeling that if I looked at Finnick and Annie any longer, I would start getting bitter that they were so happy and I was so miserable. Cato went back to his dinner as if nothing had happened.

When they were gone, Delly said in a reproachful voice, "He did save your life, Cato. More than once."

"For her," Cato said. He gave me a brief nod but didn't meet my eyes. "For the rebellion. Not for me. I don't owe him anything."

Cato never met my eyes. He didn't even look in my direction. I was definitely offended about the entire thing. He wouldn't even give me the briefest look. It was like I didn't even exist. He wasn't genuinely getting better. He clearly hated me just as much as he always had and now always would. The only difference was that now his hatred of me wasn't completely physical. He wasn't planning on strangling me. Right now, at least. I knew that I shouldn't rise to his bait, but I did.

"Maybe not. But Mags is dead and you're still here. That should count for something," I sneered at him.

"Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Aspen," Cato growled, finally meeting my eyes. "I've got some memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance."

Again with the implications. That more happened on the train than did. That what did happen - those nights I only kept my sanity because his arms were around me - no longer mattered. The truth was, it did matter. Cato had helped me so much on that train. We had helped each other. But now he didn't care even the slightest bit about me. Or those nights on the train. Did he realize that he had genuinely helped me stay alive during the Victory Tour? Of course not. To him, everything I had done to and with him during those nights had been a lie, everything had been a way of misusing him.

While I was still steaming over his comments, it didn't seem that Cato had even realized just how much his words had affected me. The others at the table were still watching us closely. Cato barely seemed to notice. Maybe he did, but he just refused to make it known. A long time passed that I stabbed at my food angrily and the others just watched awkwardly. Eventually, Cato looked back up. He looked quite careless. Cato made a little gesture with his spoon, connecting Gale and me. I arched a brow.

"So, are you two officially a couple now, or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lover thing?"

My tongue lodged itself in my throat. "Still dragging," Johanna answered, knowing that no one else would speak.

"Enough, Cato," Alana snarled at her son.

It was the first time that I had ever heard her say something like that to her son. I'd never heard Alana speak like that. Particularly after what had happened to him in the Capitol. But I didn't need her to stick up for me. As a matter of fact, I was already prepared to react. Alana was still snapping at Cato to leave me alone and mind his manners but I had long since tuned out. I hated listening to him attack me. I knew that I should have just let it go - he didn't know any better - but I couldn't. I slammed my fist down into the table and everyone - even Cato - jumped in surprise. He turned a heated glare on me.

"There's not anything here," I snapped at him, motioning between myself and Gale.

"Get bored with him, then? Moved onto Crane?" Cato asked bemusedly.

Before I got the chance to react, Dean spoke over us. "Stop it. Or we'll take you back to the hospital. Leave her alone," Dean told his brother sharply.

At this point, the entire family was yelling at each other. Cato was just watching them carelessly. I rose from my seat at the dinner table to either punch him or cause some bodily injury, but neither one of us really got the chance to do anything to the other. In fact, Katniss grabbed me around the thigh and pulled me back into my seat at the table. Spasms caused Cato's hands to tighten into fists, then splayed out in a bizarre fashion. Was it all he could do to keep them from my neck? I could feel the tension in Gale's muscles next to me. For a moment, I feared an altercation.

But Gale simply said, "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself."

"What's that?" Cato asked carelessly.

"You," Gale answered.

"You'll have to be a little more specific. What about me?" Cato asked, finally sounding interested.

"That they've replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself," Johanna said.

Gale finished his milk. "You done?" he asked me.

Too angry to speak, I rose in response and we crossed to drop off our trays. Katniss followed us. The rest of Cato's family watched us walk off sadly. At the door to the hallways that led to the compartments, an old man stopped me because I was still clutching the rest of my gravy bread in my hand. We weren't allowed to take food from the dining room. Something in my expression, or maybe the fact that I had made no attempt to conceal it, made him go easy on me. He let me stuff the bread in my mouth and move on.

The three of us were about to head back to the compartments when I heard footsteps falling behind us. I turned back curiously - and somewhat fearfully. Did he attack his guards so that he could meet me halfway and kill me? I jumped again when I realized that it really was Cato standing behind me. The two guards were close behind him. I immediately went to reach for an arrow, which obviously wasn't there. The shame instantly sank into my chest. I was angry with him and the situation, more than anything else, but I certainly wasn't going to kill him.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Cato asked, barely looking at me.

Katniss and Gale were both giving him scrutinizing stares. They trusted him about as much as I did at the moment. I reached for Gale's shirt to keep him next to me. Embarrassingly enough, I was too afraid for him to walk away from us. I didn't want to be left alone with Cato. I was scared of him and what he would do to me. Not to mention, the law of averages showed that he was going to try and attack me again the moment that we were left alone. But, much to my surprise, Gale forced me to release him. He and Katniss did both give Cato a sharp glare as they walked past him.

"Watch yourself," Gale warned Cato quietly.

"They'd be on me in a second before I could touch her. Relax," Cato responded lightly. His gaze was on me. Not on Gale. "I'll leave your girlfriend alone."

There was something accusatory in his voice. I swallowed thickly. He really did think that the two of us were together now. "Go ahead. I'll be right there," I told Gale. He nodded at me and walked off. I turned back to Cato, trying to force a confident stare. "What's up?"

"Did we ever sleep together on the train?" Cato asked bluntly.

"What?" I asked, shocked by his statement.

"On the train when we were on our way to the Capitol at the end of the Victory Tour. Did we sleep together?" Cato clarified.

There was a conversation I hadn't been expecting. I swallowed again and stared at him, hoping that he might believe me this time. "We spent the nights in one of the rooms together most of the time. But we only spent those nights together. We just slept. That was it," I said as carefully as possible. Cato stared at me disbelievingly. "I mean, we kissed and some clothes were displaced but it was never anything... like that."

"When did we?" Cato asked curiously.

"The night that we got to the Capitol," I answered.

Cato grinned bitterly. "The night that you were with Seneca Crane."

I needed him to believe me. If he believed me, maybe there was a chance that we could fix all of this. "Cato -"

"Thank you," Cato interrupted coldly.

"That's it?" I asked him disbelievingly.

Cato stared at me. "What else do you want from me?"

"More than that," I answered.

"That makes two of us," Cato said.

My stomach jolted painfully. Did he want this to work out for us? I couldn't tell. Maybe he didn't know either. Sometimes I got the feeling that he might have really wanted to be with me. Other times I was sure that he still hated me. Maybe I was as confused about this entire thing as he was. The two of us stared at each other for a long time, not moving and not breaking eye contact. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I would always be here for him, but for some reason, I couldn't force any of those words out of my throat.

"I never betrayed you. Not purposely. You need to know that," I said quietly.

Cato shook his head at me. "I don't know anything about you, Aspen, "Cato said. I let out a deep breath. He knew everything about me. At least, there was once a time that he had known everything about me. "All I know is that I have so many memories of you and I have no idea which ones and real and which ones aren't."

"Which ones do you want to be real?" I asked him quietly.

"Do you have to ask?" Cato said.

"Yes, I do," I said disbelievingly.

At this point, I had no idea whether or not Cato actually wanted things with me to be real. He seemed to hate me. But wasn't there some hesitance in his angry gaze? Cato scoffed at me and rolled his eyes. I stared at him sadly for a moment. I went to speak to him again when the guards started pulling him away, insisting that he had been out long enough and had already made some real progress. He walked off with them without so much as a glance back in my direction. Katniss and Gale came up to my side. The three of us were almost to my compartment when Gale spoke again.

"I didn't expect that."

"I told you he hated me," I said.

"It's the way he hates you. It's so... familiar. I used to feel like that. When I'd watch you kissing him on the screen," Gale admitted.

"Gale," Katniss reprimanded him gently.

"That's what I needed to hear right now," I hissed irritably.

"I'm not finished," Gale said, shooting me a sympathetic stare. "Only I knew I wasn't being entirely fair. He can't see that."

We reached my door. "Maybe he just sees me as I really am. I have to get some sleep," I told him.

I'd had enough of talking about Cato for one day. Gale caught my arm before I could disappear. "So that's what you're thinking now?" he asked. I shrugged. "Aspen, as one of your oldest friends, believe me when I say he's not seeing you as you really are."

Gale kissed my cheek and went without another word. "Do you think he's being fair?" I asked Katniss.

She immediately shook her head. "No, Aspen, and I think that he knows that. I think it's driving him insane," Katniss told me. I nodded at her. She was right. Cato likely did know and his ever-battling mind was driving him insane. "Give him some time. Like we said before, it's only been a few months. This is something that could potentially take years to undo."

"I don't have years," I told her.

"Don't go there just yet. We're not in our graves," Katniss said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Look around, Cat. We've already got one foot in the ground," I said sadly.

"That's in your head and you know it," Katniss said.

"Maybe," I admitted.

She stared at me for a moment before giving me her arm. "Come here," Katniss whispered.

Begrudgingly, I walked into Katniss's open arms. She smiled slightly as I walked into them, allowing her to pull me in for a slight hug. The two of us stayed together for a long time before I finally became the first one to pull away. Katniss looked like she wished that I was still with her. But I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep for a year. We each gave each other a somewhat awkward smile before I turned and walked back into my own compartment and she returned to hers, Katniss making me briefly stop to promise that I would come back to her if I needed it.

The truth was, I probably always needed her help. This wasn't something that I could do on my own, although I seemed to always be doing it that way. I sat on my bed in my room, trying to stuff information from my Military Tactics books into my head while memories of my nights with Cato on the train distracted me. My eyes were scanning over the words but my brain was lost in the feeling of Cato's touch and soft laughter. After about twenty minutes, Johanna came in and threw herself across the foot of my bed. I finally looked up from my book.

"You missed the best part once you walked out of the hall. Delly lost her temper at Cato over how he treated you. She got very squeaky. It was like someone stabbing a mouse with a fork repeatedly. Alana and Damien tried to calm her down while Carrie and Dean shouted at each other over the way he was treating you," Johanna explained. I cringed slightly. I didn't want them fighting because of me. Enough people were already doing that. "Aidan looked like he was going to punch Cato. The whole dining hall was riveted."

"What did Cato do?" I asked.

"He started arguing with himself like he was two people. The guards had to take him away," Johanna explained. I nodded blankly. Haymitch had told me that he did that occasionally. "On the good side, no one seemed to notice I finished his stew."

Johanna rubbed her hand over her protruding belly. She had definitely put on a few pounds since returning to Thirteen. But her cheeks still had that dark, gaunt look about them. She wasn't sleeping well. I looked at the layer of grime underneath her fingernails and briefly wondered if the people in Seven ever bathed. But I knew they did. I had seen Johanna bathe in the arena. She had always seemed clean and well-groomed in the Capitol. Was this her own strange way of rebelling against them?

We spent a couple of hours quizzing each other on military terms. By the end, we could both answer every single question effortlessly and likely with more information than they would have asked for. I visited Ms. Everdeen, Katniss, and Prim for a while. I offered Johanna to come with me, but she insisted that she wanted to keep quizzing herself. My family all seemed to be doing alright. Like me, Katniss was excelling in training. Prim was still on track to becoming a doctor. Ms. Everdeen seemed happier than I had seen her in years.

When it was time to leave, I banged right into Seneca, who was reading a file as he returned to his own compartment. He stopped and looked at me. We didn't speak for a long time. Instead, we just remained locked in a hug for a long time. Undoubtedly, he had heard about the events in the cafeteria. I laid my head in his chest for a little while before leaning up and pressing a kiss against his cheek, squeezing his hand, and then turning to leave. Seneca watched me go, looking like he wanted to speak but remaining silent.

When I was back in my compartment, showered, staring into the darkness, I finally asked, "Johanna, could you really hear him screaming?"

"That was part of it. Like the Jabberjay's in the arena. Only it was real. And it didn't stop after an hour," Johanna said. "Tick, tock."

"Tick, tock," I whispered back.

Images of a screaming Cato filled my mind for the last few waking hours of the night. Suddenly those dreams of what the Capitol had been doing to him before we had rescued him resurfaced, this time seeming all the more real. Roses. Wolf mutts. Bear and lion mutts. Parents. Enemies. Tributes. Strangers. Frosted dolphins. Friends. Mockingjay's. Stylists. Me. Everything screamed in my dreams tonight.

A/N: Thanks for reading, guys! Sorry about the long time it took me to get this one out. I was being lazy and forgot just how long it had been. Thanks for all the follows and favorites! Please review! Until next time -A

Miss-Harry-Potter2123: That's so great to hear! I love knowing that people get so excited for the updates! I'm really glad that you liked the last chapter. I know it's tough to see them like this, but you're right. They won't be like this forever. We'll start seeing some real progress soon. It's definitely vital for both of them to go through this. Hope you liked this one!

Mynameisophie: I'm glad that you loved the last one! Hope you liked this one too!

Random: Wow, I can't believe this story has been out for over a year. Thank you! I'm sorry the last chapter hurt you. This one probably did too. But we'll start seeing progress soon! Hope you liked this one!

Meriemdjez: I completely understand your decision to wait it out until you know that things will get happier. It's a while away but we will get there. The whole rebellion is disgusting but it shows the true horror on both sides. At least we know that things will get better. I look forward to when you return to the story and I hope that you'll enjoy it!

melliemoo: You're right. There was definitely some progress in the last chapter. It won't be obvious, but I think you'll be able to see some progress in each chapter in some way or another. They both have a lot of emotions to work through. I'm so glad that you liked Johanna! She's such a great character. They really underutilized her in the movies - one of my few gripes with the films. So, she'll have a slightly bigger role in this story. I hope you liked this one!