Ablaze

by awalkerlifeforme

Aspen Antaeus has escaped the Hunger Games twice. She has become the face of the rebellion against the Capitol. But there is one thing stopping her from assuming her role as the Mockingjay. Her husband, Cato Hadley, was left in the arena to die. But when Aspen is given proof that he lives on, she joins the fight. And she will not stop. Not until every inch of the Capitol is ablaze.

20. Chapter 19

With nothing else to do with my time and a newly-revived desire to get to the Capitol, I threw myself into training with a vengeance. I ate, lived and breathed the workouts, drills, weapons practices, and lectures on tactics. A handful of us were moved into an additional class that gave me hope I might have been a contender for the actual war. What I had initially thought would be another simple training exercise - perhaps just a little more in-depth - had turned out to be something much more.

The soldiers simply called it the Block, but the tattoo on my arm listed it as S.S.C., short for Simulated Street Combat. Deep in District Thirteen, they had built an artificial Capitol city block. The instructor broke us into squads of eight as we attempted to carry out missions - gaining a position, destroying a target, or searching a home - as if we were really fighting our way through the Capitol. The problem was that the Block was rigged so that everything that could go wrong for you did. It was a worst-case scenario type of drill.

A false step triggered a land mine, a sniper appeared on a rooftop, your gun jammed, a crying child lead you into an ambush, your squadron leader - who was just a voice on the program - got hit by a mortar and you were forced to figure out what to do without orders. Part of me knew it was fake and that they weren't going to kill me. If you set off a land mine, you heard the explosion and had to pretend to fall over dead. But in other ways, it felt pretty real in there - the enemy soldiers dressed in Peacekeepers' uniforms and the confusion of a smoke bomb. They even gassed us.

It was one of the worst moments we'd had in the Block. Johanna and I were the only ones in our team who got our masks on in time. The rest of our squad were knocked out for ten minutes. And the supposedly harmless gas I took a few lungfuls of gave me a wicked headache for the rest of the day. Whatever was in the gas wasn't toxic but it certainly wasn't pleasant either. I supposed that it was only a fraction of what we would feel if we were gassed and too slow in the middle of a battle in the Capitol.

Cressida and her crew taped Johanna and me on the firing range. I knew that Gale, Katniss, and Finnick were being filmed as well. They had each mentioned to me that the filming was moving through the ranks of people in Thirteen. It was part of a new propos series to show the rebels preparing for the Capitol invasion. Cressida told us that the series had been quite popular in the Capitol. On the whole, things were going pretty well.

The good thing with training was that it kept me busy almost all of the time. It was a lot more practice time than I had ever gotten. I was a more talented fighter than I had ever been before. Both with the bow and the gun. I had gotten a lot of time to work on my physicality too. If we were going to wind up in the Capitol, I knew that I would be dealing with human fighters and mutts. I had been fighting with Thirteen's soldiers for practice almost every day. I had become good enough to keep toe-to-toe with some of their best fighters.

All was going well until Cato started showing up for our morning workouts. All eyes had turned to me when he'd first entered. Other than stumbling away from him, I'd remained stone-faced. The manacles were off of his wrists, but he was still constantly accompanied by a pair of guards. After lunch one day, I saw him across the field drilling with a group of beginners. I didn't know what they were thinking. If a spat with Delly and his family could reduce him to arguing with himself, he had no business learning how to assemble a gun.

Unfortunately, I was all too aware that Cato spent almost half of his time in training watching me. Everyone knew it. He didn't keep it a secret. I tried to focus on my training but I knew that I was losing my stability in training. I suddenly began having problems hitting my targets and landing on my marks. It took a few snaps from Dean to get me back to my former mindset. He had given me a not-so-friendly reminder that people would always try using Cato against me. He was right. I had to be prepared for it.

When I finally got around to confronting Plutarch, he assured me that it was all for the camera. There were no bullets in the gun he was using and he never would have them. They had gotten footage of Finnick and Annie getting married and Johanna hitting targets, but all of Panem was wondering about Cato. They needed to see he was fighting for the rebels, not for Snow. And maybe if they could just get a couple of shots of the two of us, not kissing necessarily, just looking happy to be back together -

I walked away from the conversation right then. That was not going to happen. I wasn't stupid enough to think that Cato would ever be okay with talking to me again. I knew that he wasn't okay with me. He barely managed to hold it together whenever we were in the same room. People would just think that we were taking time to focus on the war rather than each other. Just to try and be somewhat helpful I had suggested to Plutarch to try inter-cutting footage or use some fancy editing techniques to make it look like we were laughing or talking to each other.

He had taken me up on that offer. There was now a popular clip of us in what appeared to be a brief - albeit friendly - conversation. It had been shot from a perspective that was too far away to hear though Plutarch had managed to make it look sweet enough. We were supposedly standing within inches of each other. I was smiling at something he was saying (though it was really a comment from Finnick I was laughing at) while he looked at me lovingly. They had cut out his face from an old video and put it on his body in the new video, editing him closer to me.

It was one clip I couldn't watch. I walked away every time I saw it. I hated to admit to anyone that I was afraid of him. I was terrified that he might have lost his mind at any moment and try to kill me. I saw the vague white-knuckled grip he had now and again when he looked over at me. I saw the look in his eyes. The desire to see me with blood pouring out of my slit throat. I could tell he didn't like seeing me with a weapon, just the way I didn't like seeing him with a weapon. It made us both nervous.

In my rare moments of downtime, I anxiously watched the preparations for the invasions. Each time I would see equipment and provisions being readied as the divisions were assembled. You could tell when someone had received orders because they were all given a very short haircut, the mark of a person going into battle. It became a little difficult to tell people apart after a while. There was much talk of the opening offensive, which would be to secure the train tunnels that fed up into the Capitol.

Just a few days before the first set of troops were set to move out, York unexpectedly told Johanna and me that she had recommended us for the exam and we were to report immediately. We stared at each other for a brief moment before setting off through the building at a sprint without even thinking to thank York. There were four parts of the exam: an obstacle course that assessed your physical condition, a written tactics exam, a test of weapons proficiency, and a simulated combat situation in the Block.

We had barely gathered our ground before we were sent to the beginning of the exam. I didn't even have time to get nervous for the first three. I did well on them all. The obstacle course reminded me of the Gauntlet that had been designed for the Tributes to use during training before the Hunger Games. I'd had one of the fastest times. The written tactics exam and weapons proficiency tests were both standards from what we had been doing for training lately. Johanna and I both passed the second and third tests with flying colors.

Despite being prepared for the fourth test, there was a backlog at the Block. It appeared to be some kind of technical bug that they were working out. A group of us exchanged the information that we knew. Most of what I'd already known seemed to be true. You were forced to go through alone during this test. There was no predicting what situation you would be thrown into. One boy said, under his breath, that he had heard it was designed to target each individual's weaknesses. It sounded accurate and eerily similar to something the Capitol would have done.

It made sense as that was exactly where we were attempting to go. His comment remained stuck in my head for a long time. My weaknesses? That was a door I didn't even want to open. But I found a quiet spot and tried to assess what they might have been. The length of the list depressed me. Lack of physical brute force. A bare minimum of training. And somehow my stand-out status as the Mockingjay didn't seem to be an advantage in a situation where they were trying to get us to blend into a pack. They could have nailed me to the wall on any number of things.

Plenty of things could be used as my weakness. Something simple like snakes, maybe? That seemed unlikely. It was too simple. I knew only one thing that even District Thirteen knew was my weakness. Cato. I feared having to see him in some capacity during the training. I knew that it wouldn't be fair to use Cato against me, but it was very likely that someone would attack me with him. I tried to imagine that it would be something else. Anything else. The problem was that I wasn't sure what weakness I had that I would be able to overcome.

"Aspen," a voice greeted.

I looked up from my lap to see Dean Hadley next to me. "Hi," I greeted simply.

"Came to wish you luck," Dean said, resting a hand on my lap.

"Thanks."

"Nervous?"

"A little," I admitted, rolling my eyes at myself. "Which seems stupid, considering that I've been in the Hunger Games twice. I know what real nerves are. But, for some reason, I'm terrified right now. More than I ever have been."

Even with two trips to the Hunger Games under my belt, this was one of the most frightening things I had ever experienced. "Perhaps it's because you know that they'll use your weaknesses against you. In your first Games, they didn't know what those were yet. In your second, you were already resigned to death. But this time you've got something serious to lose," Dean said reasonably. I stared at him, wondering what exactly he was referencing. "You need to get to the Capitol and this is your one way."

"You don't sound too thrilled with my choice," I commented.

Dean stared at me for a moment before shaking his head. "You're my brother's wife," he pointed out. I twitched slightly but remained otherwise silent. "Whether or not he remembers it right now, he loves you. He doesn't want to see anything happen to you."

"Before I would have said that you're right. Now I think he'll just be upset that it's not him," I mumbled.

Dean shook his head. "You don't believe that."

"I do," I replied.

We sat in silence for a while as I stared down at my lap. "Aspen," Dean called, shattering the silence. "Do you want to talk about it?"

The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. The idea of talking about it made my stomach churn. "No. I hate that everyone keeps fucking asking me about it," I sneered, feeling my throat tighten with the threat of tears. Any mention of it turned me into a sobbing mess. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't ever want to talk about it. I just want to pretend like it never happened."

"That one particular thing or the relationship in its entirety?" Dean asked.

Forgetting the whole relationship was a devastating thought. He was the love of my life. "Selfishly? Just him being taken by the Capitol. Selflessly? Everything. I want us to have never met. I want him to have become a Victor. Have his home in Victor's Village with his family who loved him. I want them to have never experienced pain. I want them to have never felt a loss. I want him to have gotten a chance to marry Skye or Julie. Have a real life with them. Let the name Aspen Antaeus just be a passing whisper in the wind."

"You want that?" Dean asked, sounding shocked.

The thought of him having never known me was surprisingly painful. I wanted him in my life. I wanted to have him for the rest of my life, but it wasn't right to keep hanging onto him when all I did was bring pain. "I don't know," I admitted. "I don't know what I want."

"I think you do," Dean said.

"What's the point of thinking about what I want, Dean?" I snapped. No matter what I wanted, it was never going to work out. "I think it's pretty obvious by now that I'm not going to get what I want."

"So, why are you here?" Dean asked.

"Because I don't know what else to do," I said honestly. I couldn't walk to the Capitol to assassinate Snow. This was the best way to get where I needed to go. "I have to spend my time doing something and I think this is the best way. At least here I'm working toward something. Not necessarily something I want but something I need."

Dean and I exchanged a long look, neither one of us able to process out loud what we were both thinking. "You don't have to do this, you know. You can stay here and wait for the war to be over. You've fought enough," Dean whispered.

Staying here would have been worse than going to the Capitol, which was sure to be a nightmare. "I can't stay here with him. Not like this," I answered, feeling my throat tighten with nerves.

"I understand," Dean said, nodding.

Would we be together? Dean being along on my trip to the Capitol would have made my mission much more complicated. "What about you? Are you planning on going?" I asked him. Dean remained silent. "Of course you are. How does Carrie feel about that?"

Carrie was one of the sweetest members of the family and deserved much better than to wait with bated breath to see if her husband would return to her. "She's not thrilled, but she knows I need to do this. Just like you do," Dean said. We nodded at each other. "Should I give you a few minutes to prepare?"

"Yeah," I said, not wanting to think about Cato any longer. "Thanks."

"Best of luck," Dean said.

He had to be kidding. I doubted that Dean wanted me to succeed in the Block. He would have been perfectly happy with me screwing up and being stuck in Thirteen for the rest of the war. Johanna was eventually called three ahead of me and I gave her a nod of encouragement as she walked off. I wished I had been at the top of the list because by now I was overthinking the whole thing, planning out every possibility of the exam in my head. By the time my name was called, I didn't know what my strategy should have been.

Fortunately, once I was in the Block, a certain amount of training did kick in. As I had initially expected, it was an ambush situation. Peacekeepers appeared almost instantly and I had to make my way to a rendezvous point to meet up with my scattered squad. Most of the exam was pretty standard as I slowly navigated the street, taking out Peacekeepers as I went. Two were on the rooftop to my left and another was in the doorway up ahead. It was challenging, but not as hard as I was expecting.

There was a nagging feeling that if it was too simple, I must have been missing the point. The Block was designed to catch us with our weaknesses. So far I had no idea what they were using against me. This was everything I had been training for. There was nothing here that was a genuine weakness except for a brief sprint over two blocks. I was within a couple of buildings from my goal when things began to heat up. A half dozen Peacekeepers came charging around the corner. They were sure to outgun me, but I noticed something.

There was a drum of gasoline lying carelessly in the gutter. Staring at the drum I realized what Thirteen was planning on testing me with. This was it. I was positive that this was my test. I was supposed to perceive that blowing up the drum would be the only way to achieve my mission. Would I have noticed that tiny detail in actual combat? Just as I stepped out to do it, my squadron leader, who had been fairly useless up to this point, quietly ordered me to hit the ground.

Every instinct I had screamed for me to ignore the voice, to pull the trigger, and to blow the Peacekeepers sky-high. I had the same urge now that I did when I'd blown up the Careers' supplies two years ago. But Haymitch had been furious with me and it had resulted in me deafening myself. Suddenly, I realized what the military would think my biggest weakness was. From my first moment in the Games, when I ran for that orange backpack, to the firefight in Eight, to my impulsive race across the square in Two. I couldn't take orders.

Blowing up that gas tank would have been a trap. It would have killed me. I smacked into the ground so hard and fast, I would be picking gravel out of my chin for a week. Someone else not far behind me blew the gas tank. The Peacekeepers died instantaneously. I made my rendezvous point. I was so stunned at the realization that I had succeeded that I hadn't even realized when the exam was over. One of the soldiers had to come in and tell me that I had completed the task.

The soldiers outside looked like they had gotten their first laugh in a long time at the sight of me practically skipping along the path. A huge part of me wanted to go to Command and rub my new status in Coin's face but the more mature part of me followed the order of the test proctor to head to the waiting soldiers. When I exited the Block on the far side, a soldier congratulated me, stamped my hand with squad number four-five-one, and told me to report to Command.

I was sprinting so fast to Command that I ran directly into Katniss. "Whoa," she gasped, grabbing my arms to steady me. "You look happy."

"I made it," I chirped.

Katniss's eyes brightened. "Number?"

"Four-five-one," I said, showing her my arm.

"Me too," Katniss said, showing me her identical stamp. "I'm on my way to Command now."

We spent a few seconds staring at the numbers stamped on our arms in disbelief. "I can't believe we made it this far. I thought they were going to tell me no," I told her.

"I think they know you'd have gone anyway," Katniss said, chuckling.

"That's true."

"You look happy."

How happy could one person be when their happiness came from excitement over the potential to assassinate someone? "I'm happy that I'll finally get the chance to do something other than just sitting here and hating myself," I explained. "Happy, in general? That's another story."

"He could still -"

"Don't," I interrupted Katniss. I couldn't hear about Cato anymore if we had no chance of making things work. "Please don't. I can't keep thinking about him. I just want to forget."

"Forget everything that's happened over the last year-and-a-half including all the good times?" Katniss asked.

"With the good times come the bad."

"We'll have good times again. All of us."

There were no more good times for me. The only good times that were left for us was if we were all far away from each other. We couldn't be together. Cato hated me and I loved him. That was hard enough. We couldn't work back toward being the way we were. He would try to kill me. We didn't belong together anymore. It was the reason I no longer wore my wedding ring. It was time to move forward, as much as it genuinely broke my heart. I realized too late that my eyes were watering.

I hated people seeing me like this. "Are you okay?" Katniss asked, laying a hand on my shoulder.

Okay? I wasn't even close to being okay. I hadn't been close to being okay in years. "I just miss him, Cat," I admitted, hearing the whine in my voice. "He's right here, but I miss him so much."

Katniss nodded. "I understand. He's not the guy you married."

"No."

"Do you think he could be?" Katniss asked.

It was a strange question that I couldn't be sure of. Did I think he could ever be the man I married? I wasn't sure. I so desperately wanted to believe that Cato could turn back into the man I had once fallen in love with. The Career who had loved to mess with me. The Victor who was determined to keep our long-distance relationship alive. My husband who would have done anything to keep his wife alive. The father to my deceased child. My eyes watered again as I thought back to a day that had always been lovely in my memory.

"Hey," I greeted, sitting down to answer Cato's call.

It was one of the rare moments I got to speak to him during our times in our home Districts. "It's good to hear you speak," Cato's voice called back as I folded my legs underneath myself in my chair.

"You too," I chirped, twirling the phone cord in between my fingers. "God, I've missed your voice."

"What's wrong?" Cato asked worriedly, hearing the desperation in my voice.

"What?" I asked, surprised that he had caught it so easily. "Nothing. I'm just - I'm really happy to hear from you. I had a nightmare the other night but that doesn't matter."

"What was it about?" Cato asked.

The same thing that they were always about. The very real fear that I could have possibly lost him one day. "It's not important," I said truthfully. I wanted to talk about the hope that we could have in life, not the potential horrors. "I don't want to spend our few minutes together talking about that. I want to talk about you. Tell me what's been going on back at your house."

Cato chuckled under his breath. "What hasn't been going on?" he asked. I laughed softly. That was fair. It didn't seem like either one of us had had any low-key days since we'd become Victors. "Everything. Carrie is constantly talking about the wedding. I think she's ready to fight the Capitol to plan it."

I let out a loud laugh without meaning to. "She's that excited?" I asked.

It was nice to know that Cato's family liked me as much as I had been hoping they would. I'd honestly thought his family would despise me when we'd first met. "She's more than excited. I don't think she ever thought I would get married," Cato said.

It didn't sound accusatory but I couldn't help myself when I said, "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Cato said quickly. "It's going to be the best day of my life."

My wedding day. A day I'd never thought would come. "Yeah. Mine too," I muttered happily.

The Capitol would plan ninety-nine percent of the day but there was one thing they couldn't control; the love between the two of us. That was all between us. "You should hear the way my mom talks about the wedding. I think she could care less about what I look like," Cato said, laughing under his breath. I smiled at the thought. His mother had always struck me as the type who wanted to see her son wind up with the perfect girl. Was I that girl? "She's always wanted more girls in the house. She was thrilled when Carrie and Dean got married."

She seemed like one of the loveliest people I'd ever met, even if that meeting had only been brief. "I've only seen your mom a few times but she's been so kind to me. I'm happy she wants me around," I said honestly.

"We all do," Cato said quietly.

All of them seemed like a bit of a stretch. I wasn't sure that Damien and Aidan wanted me around. "My family's warming up to the idea that we're getting married," I said, though it wasn't completely true.

It was more that they were leaving me alone about my relationship. "Yeah?" Cato asked disbelievingly.

He was always one to call me out when he knew I wasn't telling him the complete truth. "They know that I'm happy with you. They know that I'm happier than I've ever been and that's what matters to them," I said. Although Cato was silent, I knew that there was a smile on his face. "I think they're finally starting to believe me when I tell them that the cameras only caught a small part of our relationship."

"I hope I get the chance to meet them before the wedding," Cato said.

That was all I wanted right now. I wanted him to get the chance to sit down with my family and for them all to realize that we were right together. The cameras hadn't done us justice. "I do, too, but the Capitol wants us and our families as far away from each other as we can get," I told Cato. "At least, until they move me to District 2."

"They're making you move here?" Cato asked disbelievingly.

"Yeah," I answered bluntly, having forgotten that Snow hadn't told Cato about my eventual move. "Snow told me."

"Oh, Aspen... I'm so sorry," Cato said quietly.

All that mattered was that we were together and I could ensure my family's safety. "It's okay. If it keeps my family and friends safe, I don't care. The only thing I'm worried about is that they won't be able to live off my Victor winnings any more," I said truthfully. Katniss and Gale would be able to readjust with ease. Ms. Everdeen and Prim would be another story. "Katniss and Gale are going to have to rely on hunting again. Prim's gotten so used to living in that Victor's Village house."

"They won't starve. We'll make sure of it," Cato promised.

"How? I'll be hundreds of miles away from them," I said sadly.

It wasn't fair for me to be so far away from my family and unable to keep them safe. "Maybe you can work something out with Haymitch to have him look after them? Or, maybe make a deal with Crane? He seems willing to help you," Cato offered.

I swallowed nervously at the thought of asking Seneca Crane for any favor. "That's an idea."

Cato sensed my hesitance to say anything to Seneca and instead changed the subject. "We'll both help them out. We have more than enough money. My family doesn't need it all," Cato said. I smiled at his selflessness. "Once we get married and move into my house in Victor's Village I'm sure it won't be long before they want my family out of there."

"At least you'll have them close," I muttered.

The bitterness in my voice was a little more obvious than I had intended it to be. "Maybe we can talk things out with the people in the Capitol and have them come to Two with you? Or split our time between Two and Twelve?" Cato offered.

"You would do that?" I asked, shocked.

He was willing to be away from his family for half of the year? "Aspen, I would do anything for you."

"Even move away from your family for half the year?"

"If it means you could be with yours, of course."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

"That should be the other way around," Cato said, the smile evident in his voice.

Suddenly, Alana's voice came over the receiver. "If you think I'm letting you back in there -"

"It was an accident!" Aidan responded.

"There are char marks on the stove!" Dean yelled.

"That I had to clean for an hour!" Carrie shouted.

The voices continued for a few seconds before I muttered, "Umm... What's going on there?"

"Oh, Aidan blew up a pot of rice the other day," Cato explained.

I barked out a hysterical laugh. "What?"

It sounded like there had been an exciting last few days at the Hadley household. "Well, he knows that I've been trying to help my mom out in the kitchen. There's a lot of people in the house for just one person to be doing all the cooking," Cato explained. I smiled at his sweet gesture toward his mother. It was nice to know that he was trying to do something good in the family. "Aidan decided that he would try and help me do the side dishes like the rice. He put it in the cooker for about five minutes too long."

Throughout Cato's story, I had continued chuckling. "That's a good one. I'm not the best cook but even I've never done that before," I said. It took true skill in the kitchen to blow up a pot of rice. "Maybe I'll teach him how to make Greasy Sae's winter specialty."

"I thought you loved me?" Cato asked playfully.

"I do, which is exactly why I like to mess with you," I teased.

"Ah... you like messing with me?" Cato asked, a dangerous edge in his voice.

It told me that I was about to regret teasing him. "Why do I feel like this is about to backfire on me?" I groaned.

Cato chuckled under his breath. "You think I'm evil," he teased. We both chuckled as I heard the door to the office in his house click closed. "Do you want to hear about my dream the other night?"

"What was it?" I asked curiously.

Cato's voice lowered to a gentle purr. "We were back in the Tribute Center that night at the end of the Victory Tour," Cato began. My face lit up with embarrassment. I still couldn't think about that night without feeling a little stupid. "But our night didn't end there. When the morning came, I locked the door so no one could come in. Seeing you in bed like that, there's nothing better." The blush spread from my cheeks down my chest at the confidence in his voice. "Those sheets didn't stay on you long. But I did."

"Oh, yeah?" I asked, trying to keep the nerves out of my voice. Cato hummed quietly on the other end. "Something to look forward to when we see each other again."

"I'll be counting down the minutes," Cato replied.

"You know when we get to the Capitol, I'm not letting you leave my room," I told him.

"You know we have a job to do, right?" Cato chuckled.

"Would you rather me do my job or you?" I teased.

Cato chuckled as a familiar voice came from behind me. "Aspen?"

"Oh, god!" I gasped.

Ms. Everdeen had startled me so much that I dropped the phone as I whirled around to face her. She was standing in the doorway wearing an amused look on her face. "Sorry, honey," Ms. Everdeen said, clearly fighting back a laugh as I scrambled to pick up the phone. "We're ready for dinner."

"No, it's fine. I'll be out there in a few minutes," I stammered, holding my hand over the receiver. Ms. Everdeen smiled and nodded as she turned to leave. "Mom?" She stopped and turned back to me. "Did you hear any of that?"

She merely smiled. "I didn't hear anything you didn't want me to hear."

A breath of relief escaped me. "Thanks, Mom."

"Wrap it up," Ms. Everdeen said gently.

"Okay," I said, removing my hand from over the receiver. Cato was laughing as Ms. Everdeen turned to leave again, this time closing the door behind her. "I swear, you knew that was going to happen," I growled at Cato.

"I've just got good timing," Cato said, still laughing.

"Somehow, that was your fault," I moaned.

"You were the one bringing it up."

"You started it!"

"And I'll finish it when I see you again," Cato growled.

The blush returned full-force. "Why does your mother never hear you say things like that?" I whined.

"Because I can hear a door opening behind me," Cato teased. I rolled my eyes. "And, uh, she's seen far worse than she's heard."

I had to fight the slight bitterness that crept into my mind. I had to remember that Cato had lived a privileged and carefree life before me. "Right," I said blankly.

"She hated them all. But she loves you," Cato said, trying to reinforce the point that I meant more than any of his prior flings. "So do I. You mean what none of them ever could."

"I hate the Games, but I'm so glad I met you," I told him truthfully.

"Even when I'm being an asshole?" Cato teased.

At least he hadn't taken my many insults to heart. I smiled at his teasing tone. "You're always an asshole, but that doesn't change how much I love you. I guess I'm kind of an asshole too so it works out," I said, laughing.

Cato laughed loudly. "You did drop a nest of Tracker Jackers on me."

"You tried to kill me!"

"Me? I would never," Cato said haughtily. We both laughed. "Maybe seduce you."

We laughed again. "You would succeed."

"Trust me, I always knew that."

"Asshole," I growled.

He was right though. He had always been able to see the way he'd affected me, even long before I'd realized what he was doing to me. "Calling your future husband an asshole? That's rude," Cato teased.

"Not even marrying you will stop me from calling you that," I said truthfully.

"Aspen! Dinner!" Ms. Everdeen called from the other room.

"Sorry! Be right there!" I shouted.

"Sounds like you should go," Cato said.

"I should, I just don't want to," I breathed.

Cato chuckled under his breath. "I'll call you in a few days."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. More than you know."

More than I deserved, at least. I smiled into the phone, twirling the cord again. "Don't let Aidan burn down the house."

"Don't forget you make noises in your sleep," Cato replied.

"What?" I snapped, sitting bolt upright in the chair.

"Enjoy dinner!" Cato yelled.

He hung up the phone before I got the chance to respond. I wanted to know what kind of noises I made or if he was even telling me the truth. I rolled my eyes and placed the phone down on the receiver. "Asshole," I growled through a smile.

"What are you smiling about?" Katniss asked, bringing me back to reality.

"Funny memory," I muttered, wishing I could remain in one of those happy memories instead of my horrible present or bleak future. "I guess if I can't have him back, I want to at least remember the good times because there were a lot of them."

"That's a good idea, Aspen. I'd like to hear about them one day, if you're okay with talking about them," Katniss prompted gently.

One day I would tell her about Cato. Maybe just enough just before I died so that someone knew what he was once like. "Not yet. But I think I'll get there."

"I understand. You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"I know," I said, easily picking up what she was talking about. The one thing I couldn't talk to anyone about. I couldn't even think about it myself. "I can't talk to anyone about that. The one person I would have talked to about it isn't an option anymore."

All he would do was scream at me for my actions. "Well, if you ever decide you need to talk, I'm always here," Katniss said reassuringly.

"Thanks," I said, grabbing her arm and tugging her along. "Come on. They'll be furious if we don't report for duty after we made such a fuss about it."

Trying to forget about our prior conversation, now almost giddy with success, Katniss and I ran through the halls, skidding around corners and bounding down the steps because the elevator was too slow. I banged into the room with Katniss on my heels before the oddity of the situation dawned on me. We shouldn't have been in Command; we should have been getting our hair buzzed. The people around the table weren't freshly minted soldiers but the ones calling the shots.

I leaned over to Katniss with a lowered voice. "Why didn't we get our hair cut?" I asked her.

Katniss shrugged. "I don't know."

"Would it be shallow of me to say I'm glad I didn't?" I asked.

Katniss laughed. "Yes."

Boggs smiled at my comment and shook his head when he saw us. "Let's see it." Unsure now, I held out my stamped hand. Katniss followed the action a moment later. "You're both with me. It's a special unit of sharpshooters."

"Sweet," I chirped happily.

Putting an arrow through Snow's eye socket might have made me feel a little bit better. "Join your squad," Boggs commanded.

For a moment I believed that maybe we would be alone. Special soldiers that no one had ever seen around for their protection. Boggs nodded over at a group lining the wall. Gale. Finnick. Dean. Now Katniss. Five others I didn't know. My squad. It looked like there were still a few spots open for others to join. I wasn't only in, I would get to work under Boggs with my friends. Some form of comfort during the war. I forced myself to take calm, soldierly steps to join them, instead of jumping up and down.

Katniss and I took our slow steps over to the wall. "They let you in here?" Gale asked me.

"You think you're that much better than me?" I snapped teasingly. His brow rose curiously. "What?"

Why did he look like he was expecting me to grow a second head? "Nothing," Gale said, shaking his head. "For a second you just sounded like you did before the Games."

Because I'd thought about a memory of when I was that girl. When Cato was himself. "It comes and goes," I said simply.

"I hope it stays. I missed that smile," Gale teased, grabbing my chin and shaking it.

"Me too," I said, pulling out of his grip.

As I looked around I realized that we must have been important, because we were in Command and it had nothing to do with a certain Mockingjay. Plutarch stood over a wide, flat panel in the center of the table. He was in the middle of explaining something about the nature of what we would encounter in the Capitol. I was thinking that this was a terrible presentation - because even on tiptoe I couldn't see what was on the panel - until he hit a button. A holographic image of a block of the Capitol projected into the air.

"This, for example, is the area surrounding one of the Peacekeepers' barracks. Not unimportant, but not the most crucial of targets, and yet look." Plutarch entered some sort of code on a keyboard, and lights began to flash. They were in an assortment of colors and blinked at different speeds. "Each light is called a pod. It represents a different obstacle, the nature of which could be anything from a bomb to a band of mutts. Make no mistake, whatever it contains is designed to either trap or kill you. Some have been in place since the Dark Days, others developed over the years. To be honest, I created a fair number myself. This program, which one of our people absconded with when we left the Capitol, is our most recent information. They don't know we have it. But even so, it's likely that new pods have been activated in the last few months. This is what you will face."

A set of deadly traps that were hidden in plain sight... It sounded far too familiar. I was unaware that my feet were moving to the table until I was inches from the holograph. Cannons containing fireballs strong enough to blast someone to pieces. A tsunami ready to wipe out dozens of players. A nest of deadly insects. An underground door ready to release the deadliest of mutts. My hand reached into the display and cupped a rapidly blinking green light. It was a Capitol trap at its finest.

Someone joined me, his body tense. Finnick, of course. Because only a Victor would see what I saw so immediately. The arena. Laced with pods controlled by Gamemakers. I turned back for a moment to see Seneca standing at the doorway. He nodded as I released the pod. He knew what Finnick and I already knew. The battle in the Capitol would be a massive version of the most intense Hunger Games ever created. Finnick's fingers caressed a steady red glow over a doorway.

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

Finnick's voice was quiet, but mine rang through the room. "Let the Seventy-Sixth Hunger Games begin!"

"What?" Katniss asked, walking up to my other side.

I kept my voice low, knowing that we couldn't let the others overhear us. "This is how arenas are designed," I whispered to her. I raised my hand, pointing to Snow's mansion in the center of the map. "The Cornucopia." My hand moved to the wide circle of the Capitol surrounding it. "The arena." I honed in on one of the blinking lights near the palace. "Traps designed for the Tributes at random, some protecting vital spots. This is a Gamemakers trap."

A moment later Seneca walked up behind me. He laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Everything is a show in the Capitol. Even war," he said quietly. "Not here."

We were walking right into another Hunger Games. Our third. I laughed. Quickly. Before anyone had time to register what laid beneath the words I had just uttered. Before eyebrows were raised, objections were uttered, two and two were put together, and the solution was that I should have been kept as far away from the Capitol as possible. Because an angry, independently thinking Victor with a layer of psychological scar tissue too thick to penetrate was maybe the last person they wanted on their squad.

"I don't even know why you bothered to put Finnick and me through training, Plutarch," I said.

"Yeah, we're already the two best-equipped soldiers you have," Finnick added cockily.

"Do not think that fact escapes me," Plutarch said with an impatient wave. "Now back in line, Soldiers Odair and Antaeus. I have a presentation to finish."

"Oh, I think we're in trouble," I whispered to Finnick as we pulled Katniss away from the map.

We retreated to our places, ignoring the questioning looks that were thrown our way. Gale and Dean looked the most concerned as they looked to Katniss for an explanation. She shook her head. I adopted an attitude of extreme concentration as Plutarch continued, nodding my head here and there, shifting my position to get a better view, all the while telling myself to hang on until I could get to the woods and scream. Or curse. Or cry. Or maybe all three at once. Another trip to the Hunger Games; something I never thought I would experience.

If this was a test, Finnick and I both passed it. When Plutarch finished and the meeting was adjourned, I had a bad moment when I learned there was a special order for me. But it was merely that I skipped the military haircut because they wanted the Mockingjay to look as much like the girl in the arena as possible at the anticipated surrender. For the cameras. I shrugged to communicate that my hair length was a matter of complete indifference to me, though I did like keeping it the length it was. They dismissed me without further comment.

As we walked off I noticed that most faces remained turned toward myself and Finnick. People wanted to know how we felt about having to essentially sit through another Hunger Games. We'd both had nightmares for years because of them and we were about to do it one last time. We were going to have to go into a Hunger Games on steroids and force our families to believe that it wouldn't be as bad as we both knew it would be. Finnick and I gravitated toward each other in the hallway.

"What will I tell Annie?" he asked under his breath.

"Nothing," I answered. "That's what my mother and sister will be hearing from me."

"Katniss?" Finnick asked.

She was off with Gale, probably discussing my earlier actions with him. "She won't tell them anything. The last thing she wants is for them to be worrying about us any more than they already do," I answered.

It was bad enough that we knew we were heading back into a fully equipped arena. No use dropping it on our loved ones. All I could think was that the Games had been bad enough; to be in the Games centered around a war would be even worse. It wasn't just battling against kids or Victors. We were going to be fighting against an entire army. We were outgunned but I knew that we weren't outsmarted. We knew the Games, though so did the people in the Capitol.

"If she sees that holograph -" Finnick began.

"She won't. It's classified information. It must be. There's no way they'd let her see it. They know what's going on with her," I told him. I had to believe it was true. I had to believe they would do the same thing for Cato's family. "Anyway, it's not like an actual Games. Any number of people will survive. We're just overreacting because - well, you know why. You still want to go, don't you?"

"Of course. I want to destroy Snow as much as you do," Finnick said.

"It won't be like the others," I said firmly, trying to convince myself as well. We could all live. There was no knowledge that only one person would walk away. "This time it's all of us against him. He can't pin us against each other."

"Together," Finnick said, resting a hand on my shoulder.

Then the real beauty of the situation dawned on me. "This time Snow will be a player, too."

Which meant that I could stick that arrow right through his eye socket. Before we could continue, Haymitch appeared. He wasn't at the meeting and wasn't thinking of arenas but something else. "Johanna's back in the hospital."

Finnick and I exchanged a look. Neither one of us had seen her since the end of the exam. It hadn't dawned on me until now that it was a little odd that I hadn't seen her. Wouldn't she have wanted to tell me that she had passed, at least? Especially given the fact that we had trained together for weeks. I had assumed Johanna was fine and had passed her exam, but simply wasn't assigned to a sharpshooters' unit. She was wicked throwing an ax but about average with a gun.

"Is she hurt? What happened?" I asked worriedly.

"It was while she was on the Block. They try to ferret out a soldier's potential weaknesses. So they flooded the street," Haymitch said.

Water? That didn't make any sense. I didn't know anyone afraid of the water. It didn't help me understand what the concern was. Johanna could swim. At least, I seemed to remember her swimming around some in the Quarter Quell. She hadn't been deep in the water but I'd seen her ability to keep herself afloat. She probably had some trouble in the water but wouldn't drown. She could keep herself afloat. Not like Finnick, of course, but none of us were like Finnick.

"So?" I asked dumbly.

"That's how they tortured her in the Capitol. Soaked her and then used electric shocks," Haymitch explained. Bile rose in my throat. "In the Block, she had some kind of flashback. Panicked, didn't know where she was. She's back under sedation."

If that was what they'd done in the Block I briefly thanked Thirteen for not thinking Cato was stable enough to train like the rest of us. As angry as I was with him, I didn't want them to hurt him even more than he already had been. Finnick and I just stood there, as if we had lost the ability to respond. I thought of the way Johanna never showered. How she forced herself into the rain like it was acid that day. I had attributed her misery to the morphling withdrawal. How had I not seen it?

"You two should go see her. You're as close to friends as she's got," Haymitch said.

That made the whole thing worse. The bile in my stomach threatened to spill over. I had a feeling I would be showing my breakfast any moment now. I didn't know what was between Johanna and Finnick. They had looked close during the Games. He'd been the first to run and hug her when she'd come out of the jungle with Beetee and Wiress. But I hardly knew her. No family. No friends. Not so much as a token from Seven to set beside her regulation clothes in her anonymous drawer. Nothing.

An idea began formulating in my head. "You go first," I told Finnick.

"You sure?" Finnick asked.

"There's something I need to do before I go see her."

"Okay."

"I better go tell Plutarch. He won't be happy," Haymitch continued. "He wants as many victors as possible for the cameras to follow in the Capitol. Thinks it makes for better television."

"Are you and Beetee going?" I asked.

"As many young and attractive victors as possible," Haymitch corrected himself. "So, no. We'll be here."

"What about Brutus?" I continued.

"He'll be there once Two has completely given in. He's holding our strongholds out there for now," Haymitch explained. I nodded. He was likely still working closely with Dara to keep our weak grasp on Two. "His eyesight isn't what it used to be. He won't be assigned to a sharpshooter unit when it's time. You likely won't run into him."

I wasn't sure if that made me happy or not. "Okay."

Finnick went directly down to see Johanna, but I lingered outside a few minutes until Boggs came out. He was my commander now, so I guessed he was the one to ask for any special favors. I could have asked Seneca too, but I wasn't ready to speak to him yet. I wasn't sure what I could say that wouldn't be about the pods. When I found Boggs and told him what I wanted to do, he wrote me a pass so that I could go to the woods during Reflection, provided I stayed within sight of the guards.

It made me feel like an infant being cared for by their parents but I couldn't let that bother me. This was about Johanna. I ran to my compartment, thinking to use the parachute, but it was so full of ugly memories. Instead, I went across the hall and took one of the white cotton bandages I brought from Twelve. Square. Sturdy. Just the thing. I darted back out of the compartment and into the hallway, almost immediately being cut off by Alana. She looked shocked to see how frantic I was.

"Aspen. Where are you going?" Alana asked.

"The woods. I've got something I need to do," I said.

"Honey -"

"I'm not going out there to... I'm not offing myself," I interrupted, seeing the worried look on Alana's face. She looked a little relieved to see that I wasn't ready to leave yet. "There's something I want to do for Johanna. She won't be going to the Capitol so I think she needs something else to make her smile. She's been kind to me since getting here. Kind of. I thought I should repay the favor."

Alana smiled. "That's sweet of you. Particularly since Johanna isn't known for her kindness."

"She can surprise you," I said, surprising myself with my defense of her. "And I'm working on it."

Alana gave me a calculating look. I knew that she was waiting for me to tell her what I was going to do. "I hear you were assigned to a sharpshooter squad for deployment to the Capitol," she finally said.

"I was."

"The same one as Skye, Julie, and Dean."

Of course. Those other two seats were for Skye and Julie. I should have known. "I was."

"Are you certain it's the best idea?"

"You're my mother-in-law, Alana, and you've been wonderful to me since we met. I love you and your entire family."

"Our family," Alana corrected.

"Right, our family," I said awkwardly. "You should all know by now that I can't just stay here and wait for it to be over. I can't. I have to be out there doing something and helping the war. I'm sure they feel the same. I'll be honest, I can't be here with Cato like this. I can't see him every day in the training yard and dining room and still have any semblance of happiness."

Seeing him was like getting a knife to the heart each time. He looked like he was tempted to kill me each time we met eyes. "Honey, I understand. I just don't want you giving up on him," Alana said quietly.

I swallowed thickly. "I haven't. But I need to be away from here for a while. I still haven't moved past what happened," I muttered.

Alana's eyes drooped. "It's hard. Losing -"

"Please, don't," I interrupted frantically. "I'm sorry but, please... I can't."

Alana immediately backtracked. "I'm sorry. It's your choice whether or not you ever want to talk about it."

"For now I don't."

"Understood." We stood in silence for a moment. "You'll say goodbye before you go?"

"Yes, of course," I told her. "Alana, I'm sorry for the quick departure but there is something I need to do before dark."

"Oh, of course," Alana said, stepping to the side. "Enjoy."

"Absolutely. I'll see you and the rest of the family later," I said.

We exchanged a quick hug as we turned to leave. She was likely going back to spend some time with her family. I headed out toward the woods. I didn't need to grab any of my weapons. Not for what I was doing. I headed outside and stumbled along the pathway, likely startling off any animals in close vicinity. It was a good thing that Gale wasn't out there trying to collect game. He had always hated when I'd made noise and scared off animals during a hunt; my laugh was usually the cause.

The guards at the edge of the woods didn't look too thrilled with the idea of me heading out but I promised what I had also promised Boggs. I stayed in their sight, barely a few yards out from the fences. At the edge of the woods, I found a pine tree and stripped handfuls of fragrant needles from the boughs. After making a neat pile in the middle of the bandage, I gathered up the sides, twisted them, and tied them tightly with a length of vine, making an apple-sized bundle.

Once I was done, I practically sprinted full-speed back toward the hospital, almost bowling over the people I was trying to pass. At the hospital room door, I watched Johanna for a moment, realizing that most of her ferocity was in her abrasive attitude. Stripped of that, as she was now, there was only a slight young woman, her wide-set eyes fighting to stay awake against the power of the drugs. Terrified of what sleep would bring. I understood that losing battle. I crossed to her and held out the bundle.

"What's that?" Johanna asked hoarsely. Damp edges of her hair formed little spikes over her forehead.

"I made it for you. Something to put in your drawer." I placed it in her hands. "Smell it."

She lifted the bundle to her nose and took a tentative sniff. "Smells like home." Tears flooded her eyes.

"That's what I was hoping. You being from Seven and all," I said. "Remember when we met? You were a tree. Well, briefly."

A small smile tilted up on her lips before falling. "About that -"

"It's fine, Johanna," I said, waving her off. I knew that she didn't want Cato, she just wanted to make me uncomfortable. "It was forever ago... and it was kind of funny."

She was certainly bolder than I had ever been. Johanna smiled. Suddenly, the smile was gone and she had my wrist in an iron grip. "You have to kill him, Aspen," Johanna practically begged.

"Don't worry." I resisted the temptation to wrench my arm free. "I don't need anyone to tell me that."

"Swear it. On something you care about," she hissed.

"I swear it. On my life."

But she didn't let go of my arm. "On your family's life," she insisted.

"On my family's life," I repeated.

She was smart enough to know that I didn't care about my life. I supposed that everyone knew that my concern for my survival wasn't a compelling enough argument. They all knew that I had no intention to walk out of the war alive. All that mattered was that I used my last few weeks on this planet to do something. All that mattered was that if I went out, Snow went out with me. Johanna let go of my arm and I rubbed my wrist.

"Why do you think I'm going, anyway, brainless?" I teased.

That made her smile a little. "I just needed to hear it." She pressed the bundle of pine needles to her nose and closed her eyes.

The remaining days went by in a whirl. After a brief workout each morning, my squad was on the shooting range full-time in training. I practiced mostly with a gun, but they reserved an hour a day for specialty weapons, which meant that I got to use my Mockingjay bow, Katniss my old one, and Gale his heavy militarized one. The trident Beetee designed for Finnick had a lot of special features, but the most remarkable was that he could throw it, press a button on a metal cuff on his wrist, and return it to his hand without chasing it down.

It wasn't just the Mockingjay bow I got to use. My knives were all sorts of different kinds. Some sharp and short enough to slice someone's throat with a bare touch. Serrated and easily able to cut through a thick wood. Blades strong enough to pierce metal and the armor of Peacekeeper uniforms. Some so long they almost resembled miniature swords. Others were so small that I could be able to hide them in my palm and, if cornered, use the blade to cut out someone's eyes.

The worry was evident in Dean's voice when I had voiced that idea. He was concerned that I was becoming unhinged - a concern that was warranted. Sometimes we shot at Peacekeeper dummies to become familiar with the weaknesses in their protective gear. The chinks in the armor, so to speak. At the throat just below the chin, the joint between the arm and shoulder, and the lower center intestines. If you hit flesh, you were rewarded with a burst of fake blood. Our dummies were soaked in red.

It was reassuring to see just how high the overall level of accuracy was in our group. No one missed. Our worst shots scratched the edges of the uniforms - a nonfatal shot but one that would slow down a Peacekeeper. Along with Finnick, Gale, Katniss, Julie, and Skye, the squad included five soldiers from Thirteen. Jackson, a middle-aged woman who was Boggs's second in command, looked kind of sluggish but could hit things the rest of us couldn't even see without a scope. Farsighted, she said.

There was a pair of sisters in their twenties named Leeg - we called them Leeg 1 and Leeg 2 for clarity - who were so similar in uniform, I couldn't tell them apart until I noticed Leeg 1 had weird yellow flecks in her eyes. They were nice but didn't speak much besides to each other. Two older guys, Mitchell and Homes, never said much but could shoot the dust off your boots at fifty yards. Dean was extraordinarily accurate with a gun but was also just as good as Cato was with a sword.

It was a little hard to see at first. He used one similar to the broadsword Cato had used in my first Games. Were it not for his brown hair, I would have thought he was Cato. Julie was just slightly better than Skye with her rifle. Both were stunning with knives. Skye could anticipate movements from a mile away. Julie seemed to always know where people would be moving from. I saw other squads that were also quite good, but I didn't fully understand our status until the morning Plutarch joined us.

"Squad Four-Five-One, you have been selected for a special mission," Plutarch began. I bit the inside of my lip, hoping against hope that it was to assassinate Snow. "We have numerous sharpshooters, but rather a dearth of camera crews. Therefore, we've handpicked the eight of you to be what we call our 'Star Squad.' You will be the on-screen faces of the invasion."

Disappointment, shock, and then anger ran through the group. How could we have thought that we were going to be walking into the middle of the battle? It should have been obvious that we wouldn't. We were some of the most notable figures in Panem right now. The moment the Peacekeepers saw us, we were sure to be the main targets. But it didn't make sense. Why were people like Homes and the Leeg sisters in our group? They were better off on the front lines, where we were supposed to be.

"The celebrities," I mumbled.

"What you're saying is, we won't be in actual combat," Gale snapped.

"You will be in combat, but perhaps not always on the front line. If one can even isolate a front line in this type of war," Plutarch said.

"None of us wants that," Finnick snapped. His remark was followed by a general rumble of assent, but I stayed silent. "We're going to fight."

"You're going to be as useful to the war effort as possible. And it's been decided that you are of most value on television. Just look at the effect Aspen had running around in that Mockingjay suit. Turned the whole rebellion around. Do you notice how she's the only one not complaining?" Plutarch asked. The others looked surprised to see what I wasn't complaining as I would have normally been the loudest. "It's because she understands the power of that screen."

Actually, Aspen wasn't complaining because she had no intention of staying with the 'Star Squad,' but she recognized the necessity of getting to the Capitol before carrying out any plan. If they were going to bring me to the Capitol I wouldn't complain. That was my main concern. Katniss shot me a strange look and I nodded at her. She knew what I was thinking. Neither one of us could afford to irritate the others right now. Still, to be too compliant might have aroused suspicion as well.

"But it's not all pretend, is it?" I asked. "That'd be a waste of talent."

"Don't worry," Plutarch told me. "You'll have plenty of real targets to hit. But don't get blown up. I've got enough on my plate without having to replace you. Now get to the Capitol and put on a good show."

"Nice to hear," I said.

Two days passed before we were scheduled to be shipped out with the rest of the troops to the Capitol. I threw myself into training so deeply that I spent barely two hours a night sleeping. It worried the others but made my shooting even better. It was now to the point that I never missed. I had something to focus on. I had my anger and hatred toward the Capitol. I shot everything in sight, even moving to the other's targets after a while.

The morning we shipped out, I said good-bye to my family. I still hadn't told them how much the Capitol's defenses mirrored the weapons in the arena, but Katniss and me going off to war was awful enough on its own. They didn't need to know what the war was going to look like. Ms. Everdeen held us both tightly for a long time. I felt tears on her cheek, something she suppressed when I was slated for the Games. Maybe she could see the look in my eyes; the look that said there was no chance I was coming back this time.

"Don't worry. We'll be perfectly safe. We're not even real soldiers. Just some of Plutarch's televised puppets," I reassured her.

"Stay together," Ms. Everdeen told us.

"Always," Katniss and I said together.

"Love you, Mom," I told Ms. Everdeen.

She took my arm tightly in her grasp. "Come back home, you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am," I said.

Ms. Everdeen knew that I wasn't planning on walking away from the war. The look in her eyes was almost enough to stop me from attempting my mission. It was the most serious I had seen her look since Mr. Everdeen died. Katniss and I exchanged another nervous look. I knew that Katniss would follow me directly into the battlefield. Whatever happened to me was destined to happen to her too. But they didn't need to know that. Prim walked us as far as the hospital doors.

"How do you feel?" she asked us.

"Better than I have in a long time," I told her.

"Better, knowing you're somewhere Snow can't reach you," Katniss added.

"Next time we see each other, we'll be free of him," Prim said firmly.

If we somehow managed to walk away from the war, we would never have to worry about Snow meddling in our lives again. The dust storm from the war would be horrible but we would at least be free. That was only if we somehow made it out of the warzone. For now, I would give them that hope. The three of us stared at each other before Prim threw her arms around our necks. We stood together for a long time and I smiled as I pressed my face down into Prim's hair.

We pulled away after a few minutes as I leaned down in front of Prim, taking her hands in mine. "It's why we're doing this, kiddo. You know that, right?" I asked her. Prim nodded slowly, looking much braver now than she had before my first Games. "We need to have a world without him where you get a chance to grow up without having to worry about Snow and the Games."

"Just make sure you get back here," Prim said.

Katniss jabbed her arm into my back at my hesitation. "Of course," I told her.

"Be careful," Prim said.

"We love you," Katniss told her.

"Love you both, too," Prim said.

"Take care of yourself and take care of Mom," I added.

"I will," Prim said.

"Ladies," Alana greeted.

We both looked back to see that Alana was at the end of the hallway with the rest of the Hadley family who would be staying behind in Thirteen. I smiled at them as Prim walked back into the hospital. "I'll wait for you," Katniss said. I nodded as she began her goodbyes with the Hadley's. "See you all in a few weeks."

She sounded much more confident in her goodbyes than I had been. There was a chorus of goodbyes as they all hugged Katniss and wished her well, promising that they would see her when we returned. Katniss smiled at them as she walked off, leaving me with half of my in-laws. I gave them all a somewhat happy smile as I walked up to them. Alana, Damien, Carrie, Aidan, and Marley were those who were staying behind. Dean, Skye, and Julie were going to the Capitol. Cato obviously couldn't handle himself in a war zone.

"I'm glad you're not all going. It's good to know that you'll all be safe here," I told them as Katniss rounded the corner. "I think I would go insane if you were all out there."

"We'll be right here doing what we can," Alana said.

"Anything helps. You not being out there helps me focus," I said truthfully.

As Carrie walked toward me I noticed that her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. "Aspen, I know it's horrible of me to ask you, but -"

"I'll keep an eye on him, Carrie. I promise," I interrupted her, knowing what she was going to ask me.

"Thank you," Carrie said her voice breaking. "Thank you."

"He's my brother, no matter what. I'll keep an eye on everyone," I told them.

"Thank you, dear," Alana said gratefully.

"Take care of yourself first," Damien said.

"We haven't always gotten along, Damien, but -"

"You're my son's wife, Aspen," Damien interrupted, laying a hand on my shoulder. I smiled up at him. Maybe I had once been his son's wife, but we weren't together anymore. We never would be again. "Whether or not we've always gotten along means nothing. If Cato loves you, that's good enough for me. You're one of ours."

"I appreciate that, Damien," I told him honestly. It was nice to know that all of the Hadley's supported me. Marley giggled as Carrie walked up to me again. I smiled down at her. "Hi, sweetie. Take care of everyone, all right?"

"Are you leaving?" Marley asked me.

"For a while," I answered her.

"Where?"

"It's a little trip, Marley. It won't be too fun, I promise you're not missing anything."

"Is Cato going?"

"No, honey," I said, swallowing my nerves. "Cato is away for a while. He needs to take care of himself for a bit."

"Is he coming back?"

Marley deserved to have her uncle back. She deserved to have someone to go to whenever she needed help. He deserved to have one of his favorite people in the world around him. "Eventually, I hope," I told her. "I promise he'll come straight to you when he does."

Marley giggled, completely unaware of what was going on. "Bye, Aspen."

"Bye, sweetie. Take care," I said, running my fingers through her dark blonde hair.

Carrie and I exchanged a tense look as she took Marley away. She was almost immediately replaced with a very grumpy-looking Aidan. "I want to come with you," Aidan growled, folding his arms over his chest.

"No, you don't and I don't want you there," I said worriedly. "I'm glad that you're all here and out of harm's way."

"I could help out there," Aidan said.

Having one more of the Hadley's in the Capitol would have been a nightmare. They couldn't lose more members of their family. "You know where you can help?" I asked him. Aidan shook his head. "You can help right here. Take care of everyone. Keep your mom and dad from worrying about you. Keep me from worrying about you."

"I don't want you going out there alone," Aidan said.

"I won't be alone. I promise."

"Be careful."

"Of course. You too."

We may not have always seen eye-to-eye but Aidan was now one of the Hadley's I was the closest to. I leaned down and hugged the young boy for a long time. He kept a tight grip on me before finally releasing me and stepping back. I turned to Alana, who pulled me into her and whispered in my ear, "Promise us we will see you again. Alive."

I put on the most honest look I could. "I promise," I said, smiling at Alana and turning to the others. "Time to go."

"Good luck, Aspen," they all said.

"Bye, everyone," I called back. They all turned to leave. If they didn't leave now I had a feeling they never would. I waited to speak again until Alana was the last Hadley standing. "Wait for a second, Alana." She turned back to me with a curious look. "Give him the life I never could." Alana opened her mouth to speak when I spoke over her again. "Please, don't ever let him think of me."

"Aspen -"

"Promise me," I interrupted sharply.

"I can't do that," Alana said quietly.

"Please, Alana. If you've ever seen me as a part of your family, promise me that you'll take care of him and never mention me," I begged.

"He wouldn't want that," Alana said.

"He would. He does," I replied weakly.

Alana's eyes turned glassy. "We will always love you," she whispered. "All of us."

"I know," I mumbled.

Alana and I wrapped each other in a tight hug as I buried my head into my mother-in-law's shoulder. We held each other tightly and I smiled weakly as I pressed my mouth into her shoulder. I loved the Hadley's and loved the fact that after so many years alone I had a real family. They were a part of my family. I knew that they would remember me for a long time after I died. Even if they never mentioned me to my husband again. When we finally broke apart I gave her a simple smile, hopefully, the part of me she would always remember.

Walking away from them was hard but I knew that it was time. It was time to leave Thirteen and never return. This was my final act. I considered saying a final goodbye to Cato but decided quickly that it would only be bad for both of us. A painful reminder that we didn't belong to each other any longer. But I did slip the pearl into the pocket of my uniform. A token of the real man behind the Career. I took a deep breath and walked back over to where Katniss was waiting for me.

"Are you ready?" I asked her.

She gave me a strained smile as she nodded. "Absolutely."

We had barely turned when we were interrupted. "Soldier Antaeus."

"What?" I asked, looking at the unfamiliar man.

"You will not be reporting to the departure bay," the man replied.

"Excuse me?" I stuttered.

"You've been recommended as inadvisable for active duty," he said.

"I was already assigned," I snapped.

"We've reassessed."

Was he kidding? "You can't do that," Katniss hissed.

The dream of putting my arrow through Snow's eye socket was flying away from me faster than a Capitol hovercraft. "We will have you ready and flown to the Capitol for the surrender, just as the plan was originally," the man said.

"I was approved for Four-Five-One! It's not even a real combat unit," I shouted, which wasn't a convincing argument on my part.

"I'm sorry. You'll have to bring this argument to Command," the man said.

As I was already planning on doing. "Who said that I was unsuitable for active duty?" I snarled.

"I don't know."

"We'll go and figure something out," Katniss told me.

No. One of us had to get out there. I had to make sure someone did what needed to be done. "We will do nothing. They're calling for Four-Five-One now," I said, spotting our unit's number coming up on the departure screens. I pulled Katniss in for a hug and lowered my voice. "Go. Kill him."

"What?" she asked, pulling out of my grasp.

"I'll figure something out. Go," I told her.

Katniss shook her head. "Aspen -"

"Go. I'll be out there. Don't worry," I said. We looked at each other for a long time. "Be careful out there, all right?"

Katniss finally nodded, probably only because she knew that I was too stubborn to stay here. I could figure my own way to the Capitol. "Of course. I'll see you soon," she said.

"Definitely." We exchanged another long hug before breaking apart. Katniss walked off, looking back at me briefly. I nodded at her reassuringly before turning back to the man. "Bring me to Command," I demanded.

"I believe there is a meeting in -"

"I don't care," I interrupted. "Bring me to Command."

With all the times they interrupted me when I didn't want to talk, I could do it to them. Especially in this situation. I walked through the halls with the man at my side as we headed toward Command. The man looked at me but I was pointed in ignoring him. I didn't need him with me as I knew where Command was, but I wanted to have someone standing at my side. We barged right into the middle of a meeting with Seneca, Coin, Haymitch, Plutarch, and Beetee. There were some others there I didn't know. They all looked up at me.

"Soldier Antaeus, we are in the middle of a meeting," Coin said calmly.

"I don't care," I snapped.

"Aspen -"

"I'm not talking to you," I snarled, interrupting Haymitch. He would just tell me to get out. I turned back to Coin with the nastiest look I could muster. She looked unaffected. "What the hell are you thinking? I've already passed all the requirements. I was assigned to Four-Five-One. You can't just tell me that I'm not suited for active duty."

"You've been reevaluated and deemed unfit," Coin said.

"Why?" I asked.

"We can talk about this when the meeting is over," Coin said.

"I'm already here. We can talk about it now," I told her.

"Contain your emotions, Soldier Antaeus," Coin said, an almost teasing note to her voice. My teeth ground together. "They will get the best of you."

Sensing that the conversation was going to take a nasty turn, Seneca rose from his seat and turned to the others. "Pardon us for a moment," he said, walking over to my side and taking my arm. He lowered his voice to speak only to me. "Aspen. Come along."

"What? No, damn you!" I snapped, trying to pull away from him. "I need to get to the -"

"Just come with me!" Seneca barked, oddly demanding for once.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

He pulled me out of Command and practically threw me into the hallway. "We're not going anywhere. You are going to go and find a place to calm down," Seneca said. My jaw practically dropped. There was no way in hell that I was leaving to go calm down. "Come to my compartment later and we'll talk."

"But -"

"Now. Do you trust me?"

"Yes. But -"

"Go back to your compartment and come see me later," Seneca said.

"Fine. Fine," I growled.

He was going to be of no help right now. I growled irritably under my breath as I turned and walked off, stomping down the hallway. I muttered a nasty swear under my breath as I walked, bumping through the crowd. Seneca had better have a good excuse for what had just happened and he had better be able to get me to the Capitol. I wandered back to the compartment I shared with Johanna and stormed in, still growling to myself in frustration. Johanna, mounted on the bed, looked up at me in surprise.

"I thought you were leaving this morning," Johanna said.

"Someone said I wasn't suited for active duty. They're concerned that I'll go rogue," I sneered.

Johanna laughed. "Finally, they're right about something."

"Fair, but I need to find a way to the Capitol. He needs to see my eyes when I kill him," I told her.

Johanna's mostly-dead eyes sparkled at my words. I could see the gears turning in her head. "Now you're talking. You need to find a way to the Capitol when everybody's looking the other way. I heard the medics talking," Johanna said. I nodded for her to continue. "They're shipping supplies for the front line from hangar two around midnight tonight. Medicine, painkillers. I was going to go steal some for myself, but I guess I could just stay here and cover for you."

Hangar two at midnight. I could handle that. "Thank you, Johanna. I knew you'd help," I said.

She nodded. "Anybody can kill anybody, Aspen. Even a president. You just have to be willing to sacrifice yourself."

"I am."

"I know. Good luck."

"Thank you, for everything."

"Don't thank me," Johanna said.

We may not have been best friends but we were two people who understood each other well. We knew what the other needed. The two of us stared at each other and nodded. Johanna laid a hand on my leg as she rose from her bed and walked off. I spent much of the afternoon staring at the ceiling as I laid back on the bed. I knew that I should have gone and told my family what I was going to do - as they would be thrilled that I wasn't going to the Capitol - but I couldn't risk them accidentally spreading the truth to someone else.

So, I laid back in my bed and waited out the clock. There was nothing else to do. I couldn't risk running into anyone. Johanna returned a little after dinner and nodded for me to leave. I smiled at my friend and placed a hand on her shoulder as I walked off. I planned on heading to the hangar immediately but there was one person I needed to talk to before leaving. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say to him or what he had to say to me, but I knew that we needed this moment to say our final goodbyes.

In the back of my mind, I knew that I should have been getting ready to hide with the shipment of goods. I knew that I needed some time to be silent and figure out what I would do when I landed with the troops but I couldn't bring myself to do that. Instead, I walked through the halls of Thirteen for a moment before winding up outside of Seneca's door - the only person I hadn't said goodbye to yet. After a moment of debating it, I knocked. Seneca opened the door and smiled down at me.

"Good evening," Seneca greeted.

I smiled weakly. "Can I come in?"

"Always," Seneca said. He stepped to the side as I walked in and seated myself on the edge of his bed. Seneca sat at the other end. "I would have suggested your escape plan but I see someone else beat me to it."

"You spoke with Johanna," I said.

"No," Seneca answered. I arched my eyebrow in confusion. "You'll be sneaking out with the shipment of goods tonight?"

Seneca knew me better than anyone else in the world. "Didn't need to even say anything," I said, chuckling under my breath. "But how did you know? Was it what you were planning on telling me earlier?"

Seneca shook his head. "No. I couldn't tell you. They would find out I told you and I would never hear the end of it. I told you to leave because I knew you would go to your compartment and meet up with your roommate," Seneca explained. I shook my head. I still didn't understand. "Who do you think got those medics talking in the hallway Johanna always lingers in?"

I laughed breathlessly. "Thank you."

At least someone knew I needed to get to the Capitol. I knew that I could rely on Seneca to get me where I needed to go. "We know each other well, Aspen," Seneca said. I nodded my agreement. "I can't say that I blame you. I knew that you wouldn't just sit here. We all know it. They think that you're going to stay and do something foolish once the war is over."

"They're that stupid to think that I'd wait?" I snorted.

"You'd think that they'd learn," Seneca teased.

"But they never do," I finished. We both laughed but I stopped short when I remembered something. "Do you know who suggested that I wasn't suited for active duty?"

Seneca let out a deep breath. "Aspen -"

"You do," I interrupted. "Who?"

"Remember that people only try to keep you out of fighting because they're afraid that you're going to do something to get yourself hurt. No one is doing this to try and upset you or keep you from getting your revenge," Seneca said gently.

"Just tell me," I growled impatiently.

"Dean Hadley," Seneca said.

I laughed humorlessly. "Of course."

It shouldn't have and didn't come as a shock that Dean was the one to suggest I stay behind. He was getting a punch dead in the nose the next time I saw him. "He's your brother, Aspen. He doesn't want to see you get yourself hurt," Seneca said defensively.

"Too late," I said.

Seneca paled slightly. "That's not what I meant."

"I know." We sat in silence for so long that it became almost comical. "It feels like there are a thousand things we should be saying to each other right now."

"But if we began speaking, would we ever stop?" Seneca asked.

"I don't think so. I'll miss you, you know?"

Being away from Seneca would probably be one of the hardest things about going to the Capitol. "That's something you probably never thought you would say two years ago," Seneca teased. I smiled and shook my head. We had come a long way since the first time we'd met. "I will miss you as well. You've become a good friend to me over the years."

"So have you," I said, reaching over to take his hand. "Promise me something?"

"Anything," Seneca said.

"When this is all over and the dust settles, don't go back to the Capitol. Don't take on some high-profile job like Plutarch will," I told Seneca. He stared at me. "Find somewhere quiet and peaceful to live. Go somewhere out of the public eye. Make a new life for yourself out there. A life that makes you forget all this. Find something or someone that makes you happy. Get a new hobby. Anything to make this feel like a distant memory. Do it for both of us."

"I promise," Seneca said, smiling down at me. "I look forward to seeing where your peaceful life takes you."

I let out a deep breath. He knew the truth of what I was going to do. "Seneca -"

Seneca shook his head. "No more." I stopped speaking instantly as he motioned toward the door. "You need to be on your way, anyway. The shipment leaves in an hour."

"Okay," I said. But I didn't move. I just stared at him. I knew that he was getting ready to say goodbye so I cut him off. "Don't."

"I won't say it," Seneca said.

He was the one person that I didn't think I could handle saying goodbye to. We stood from the bed and exchanged a painfully long hug. I could hear the clock ticking away the minutes as I tucked my head into his shoulder. His hands wound around my back and pressed into my hair. My heart pattered slightly as we remained locked together. I loved the feeling that I had with Seneca; the same one I had once had with Gale. But this was even stronger. I didn't know what this feeling was.

When the two of us finally pulled apart, I stared up at Seneca for a long time. He smiled comfortingly down at me. I wasn't sure exactly what came over me at that moment, but I wanted to show him just how much I cared for him. Plus, I needed to know. I needed to be sure. So, I leaned up and pressed a soft kiss against his mouth. He looked and felt shocked. His body tensed slightly at my touch. Eventually, Seneca relaxed and kissed me back, his hand coming to rest against my neck under my ear.

His arm slid around my back to keep me pressed against him. There was something sweet about the kiss. It wasn't something I had expected. It wasn't a kiss that Cato would give me. There was no heat. There was no passion. But there was something in the kiss that was something I'd never felt before. It was beautiful. It was a kiss that didn't feel romantic at all. It was comforting. It was a kiss that belonged between two best friends and nothing more. We stayed together for a long time before finally pulling back.

Seneca was smiling but there was still a vague look of shock on his face. "What was that?" he asked gently.

Even though we had broken the kiss, Seneca still had me pressed against him. "We've kissed quite a few times before. But we've never done it when we both genuinely cared for each other. I just wanted to do it once. I felt like we both deserved to know," I told him. I'd had to be sure that nothing unspoken was still between us. "Sorry, it just came over me."

Seneca smiled as he pushed my hair behind my ears. "Don't apologize. I understand," he told me. "I think I can honestly say that we both are pleased that there was nothing more behind that kiss."

"No," I agreed. "But I'm glad it happened."

"As am I."

"Take care of yourself, Seneca," I said, pressing a hand against his cheek.

"You as well, Aspen." We exchanged another quick hug as he pressed a kiss against my cheek. When we pulled back, I smiled weakly at him. "I have something for you before you go," Seneca told me. I arched a brow curiously. "Take this."

Seneca reached into his pocket and handed me a small piece of metal that looked like my communicator Haymitch had given me. "What is it?" I asked.

"It's set with a direct line to my pager. You have someone here you can rely on," Seneca told me. I nodded gratefully. He could direct me when it came time to go after Snow. "Ensure this isn't the last time we speak."

"It won't be," I promised.

We still didn't speak as I hugged Seneca a final time. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he buried his face into my hair. We stood together for a while before I forced myself to pull away. We exchanged a painful smile as I turned to leave his compartment. The door hissed shut behind me and I took a deep breath as I walked off, knowing that if I turned back to him, I would never leave. I headed toward the hangar before stopping short. There was something I had to do.

The smart thing to do would have been to turn and go to the hangar, boarding the hovercraft that was bringing supplies to the Capitol. Before I could tell myself that it was the wrong thing to do, I stopped and turned back toward the hospital. I knew that it wasn't the most brilliant idea, but I wanted to see him. One final time. We both had things that we still needed to say. So, I walked into the hospital wing toward the solo hallway that held Cato's room. The guards stopped me in my tracks.

"Soldier Antaeus, we can't have you in here," the first man said.

"Ask him. Ask him if he'll talk to me," I half-begged. The two men who were guarding Cato's room looked unconvinced. "Please."

The men exchanged another look before the second man nodded. "Wait here," he told me.

"Thank you," I breathed, happy that they would at least try.

Both men turned and walked into Cato's room. I stood awkwardly outside of his medical bay for a long time. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do other than just stand here and wait to see if Cato was willing to speak to me. The seconds turned into minutes. Almost three entire minutes passed before the door reopened and the first soldier stepped out. By the look on his face, I was expecting him to shake his head and tell me that Cato didn't want to see me, which would have been understandable.

"Don't be long," the first man said.

I was almost shocked that he wanted to see me. "Thanks," I muttered dumbly.

Of course, now I had no idea what I wanted to say. I pushed into the room and past the soldiers. I was a little surprised that they closed the door behind me. But I wasn't stupid. I knew that they would be watching what happened closely. As I walked in, I noticed that there was a chair just a few feet away from the bed Cato was perched on. He wasn't wearing his cuffs. I cleared my throat nervously and walked over to his bed, suddenly aware that I didn't prepare a speech for him. I didn't know what I was here to say.

"Can I sit?" I asked him.

"Sure," Cato said.

We sat in silence for such a long time that I began wondering why I had come here. I didn't have a good reason for being here. I had just made things even tenser. I wasn't sure what I should have said or done. Not hug him. Not kiss him. Not make a joke. Not even crack a smile. That was too awkward. There was nothing to be done here other than sit and wait for one of us to make the first move. It didn't take long for me to realize that it wouldn't be me. Ultimately, it was Cato.

"Is this your attempt at saying goodbye?" Cato asked coldly.

"Yeah," I said stupidly.

"I thought they were just flying you in for the surrender."

"They want to. But I'm not doing that. I've let myself be a puppet for too long. I have to do this one myself."

"So, this is goodbye."

"A one-way ticket," I replied. I wanted him to say something. I wanted him to follow in his mother's footsteps and tell me that I needed to come back alive, but I wasn't shocked that he settled with a simple nod. "I'm not sure what I came to say."

"Our conversations used to flow so easily, didn't they?" Cato asked.

Unfortunately, those days of goofing around on the phone or rolling around playfully in bed were long over. "We used to always know what to say to each other. I guess those days are long gone," I muttered sadly. "It seems like I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. Not even people I've known my entire life."

Cato nodded understandingly. "That makes two of us. The way my family looks at me now... it's like they think I'll break or snap at the slightest noise. The way you look at me," Cato continued his voice hardening slightly. My head snapped up toward him. "Like I'm an injured animal and you're not sure if you want to help me, run away and save yourself, or put me out of my misery."

I immediately began shaking my head. "That's not -"

"I'm not asking what you think you're doing. I'm telling you what you are," Cato interrupted harshly.

A lump formed in my throat. He was correct. "Yeah," I said weakly. "You're right."

"Is that the first time you've been honest about it?" Cato asked.

Being around Cato was worse now than it ever had been before. I was more afraid and uncomfortable now than I had been back when he had been my biggest competition in the first Games. "Yes. But I don't want to hurt you. I've hurt you enough," I said, trying not to pity myself too much. Cato nodded slowly. "Do you want to hurt me?"

It wasn't something I wanted to think about, but it was something I was curious about. Cato stared at me. "I'm not sure. Sometimes I have the urge to laugh when I see you. Some vague memory of something funny you said once. Sometimes I want to kiss you. I remember your words," Cato admitted. I almost smiled until he continued. "I'm not sure whether or not they were scripted. Yes, sometimes I get the urge to kill you. Put my hands around your throat and tighten them until you start twitching and finally... just stop moving."

"Okay. Stop," I gasped, horrified by the thought.

"Does that bother you?" Cato asked tonelessly.

"Of course," I said.

Cato nodded. "It bothers me too. Because I don't know what I want. I know that I love you. I know that I hate you. Back and forth all goddamn day," Cato snarled. I couldn't help but jump slightly in my chair. His head was so much more scrambled than I'd thought it was. My heart broke for him as his eyes turned down in sadness. "I must have loved you. I remember what they did to me in the Capitol. Do you want to know what they did?"

"No," I said honestly and very selfishly.

"Why not?" Cato asked curiously. "I lived through it. I was the one it hurt. I'm the one who went through it all, for you."

"I know and I'm -"

"Don't tell me you're sorry," Cato snarled, the edge creeping back into his voice. "Sorry won't fix anything."

My stomach churned as his eyes contracted and dilated a few times. The fight in his head was beginning again. He looked terrible. I noticed his pupils blowing up before finally reducing themselves back to their normal size. As much as I hated to admit it, I found myself terrified of what had just happened. Was he about to try and kill me? I didn't know. It took us both a moment to calm down. I blinked away the forming tears in my eyes and slowed my heart rate as he released the tense grip he'd had on the mattress.

Breathing out steadily a few times, I finally managed to gather my thoughts and spit out a halfway intelligent statement. "I didn't come here to make things worse," I whispered.

"Why did you come?" Cato asked.

Why had I come? Maybe I'd had a little useless hope that he would have made a huge leap forward and admit that he loved and would miss me. "Honestly, I'm not sure. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I do still care about you. And I will until I die," I told him honestly. He nodded. "And if it makes any difference, I hope that you never think about me again once I'm gone."

"Unfortunately, I don't think that will ever be the case," Cato said.

Instead of making me feel a little bit better, it made me feel ten times worse. "You deserved better than me," I told him.

Cato shook his head. "Probably not. Do either one of us deserve goodness?"

"Why not?" I asked.

"We're not the heroes, Aspen. We never were."

"We don't have to be the villains either."

"Maybe. Didn't you once tell me that I was exactly what you were expecting?" Cato asked.

My head snapped up. Of all the bits of our conversations he had to remember, it was that one? The one that made me sound like I thought he was a monster. "Yes. But I told you before we left that you were nothing like I was expecting. I stand by that," I said, resisting the urge to reach out and take his hand. "You're not the bad guy."

He wasn't the bad guy. He was one of the best people I'd ever had the pleasure of coming across. Cato stared at me for a long time. We didn't speak for a while as we met eyes. I felt my throat tighten with the threat of tears. I didn't know what to say to him that wouldn't upset him. I wanted him to forgive me but I knew that he wasn't capable of it. Not right now. For a moment, I wished I hadn't come to see him. This was a harder conversation than I was expecting. It was a long time before Cato spoke again.

"What would you have named it?"

The comment was so sudden and so surprising that I almost fell out of my chair. "What?" I gasped.

"The baby. What would you have named it?" Cato repeated.

The baby... A thought I hadn't allowed myself to linger on. "I - I..." I felt myself panting and breathing heavily, unsure of what I was supposed to say. I couldn't think of it. Thinking of what I had lost broke my heart in a way I didn't know it could be. "I - I - I didn't get long enough to know that I was even... to think about it. I don't know."

"Emilia?" Cato asked.

"How did you know?" I asked, knowing I had never mentioned it to him. "That it was her name?"

"I don't remember. I think I tried to learn about her for you."

"It could have been Leah," I offered. We stared at each other again. Why had I brought up his deceased sister? "I'm sorry."

Cato waved off my concern. "Don't be. That's the least of what's hurt me lately."

Of course. I was the one who had hurt him and continued to hurt him. "It's a stupid question but how are you feeling?" I asked nervously.

"That's an extremely stupid question," Cato said, chuckling humorlessly. I felt a little spout of anger. I was trying to make things a little better but he was non-receptive. To my surprise, Cato almost looked like he felt guilty. "I'm sorry."

He had nothing to be sorry about. This one was all on me. "Don't apologize to me. I get it," I said, looking him in the eye, desperate to make him understand that I wanted the best for him. "I want to know that you're going to be okay."

Cato shook his head. "I don't think I can guarantee that."

"Your life will at least be better without me in it," I mumbled.

Cato stared me dead in the eyes as he said, "You'll never be out of it." I felt my throat closing again with the threat of tears. I couldn't tell if he looked happy or disgusted by the thought. "You occupy most of my thoughts. You're my first thought in the morning and last thought before I go to sleep. Sometimes I think about you being here with me."

His gaze moved to the empty side of the bed with a softness I hadn't seen in a long time. Could I have him back? "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a crib set up in the corner of our bedroom." My hands began trembling in my lap. "I wonder if we would live in Twelve or Two. I wonder if we would watch our children running around in the field." Cato's momentarily soft face hardened as he met my eyes again. "But then I remember how I lost that possibility."

The nastiness in his voice came as a shock. My first tear fell as I stood from my chair without warning and turned away. I could see Cato jump slightly in the bed, probably afraid of what I might do. My throat was so tight it felt like it was choking me. I wanted to sit back in the chair and beg Cato to see things from my perspective, but being here was too hard. I was wrong to come here. I was almost to the door with tears running down my face when Cato spoke again.

"Aspen." I hesitated with my hand on the door handle as I wiped away my tears. "You should know that I don't completely hate you. The biggest part of me still loves you," Cato said.

I turned back to him. "There's a but in there somewhere," I whispered.

"But I don't trust that part. I don't trust that I'm genuinely in love with you," Cato said blankly.

"Well then... I hope that part of you can forgive me when this is all over," I said.

Cato nodded. "I'll work on it."

And so, without saying another word, I turned and left the room. I could hear him say anything else and I couldn't say anything more than I already had. He hated me and always would. I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me, pushing past the two guards who were waiting for me. They stared at me, looking like they wanted to ask what had happened, but I didn't give them a moment. I walked out of the hospital and into the armory, dropping against the floor and sobbing into my knees.

This was my final confirmation that I needed. He had officially told me that we were over. We didn't belong together. We weren't meant to be together, no matter how much either one of us wanted it. This was the end of my relationship with him. My sobs were almost hysterical as I shook from head to toe. It only lasted until I heard the ringing of the clocks, signaling that it was almost time for the shipment to leave. So, I took the necklace that my wedding ring rested on and ripped it off of my throat.

It broke my heart but I had to do it. I threw the ring overhanded across the armory away from me as I took my specialized bow and arrow off of the wall and turned to head into the hovercraft hangar. There were surprisingly few people lingering around. I ducked behind two sets of missile blocks that would be prepared for a later shipment. I briefly wondered what the Capitol would look like once Thirteen began its assault. There were thousands of weapons in here that Thirteen could use against our enemy.

I slipped through the few soldiers carefully, trying to ensure no one heard me. There was an announcement playing over the PA system with a warning that the next shipment of goods was leaving the hangar soon. I darted through the hangar to the open hovercraft. I ducked as I ran up the ramp and behind a stack of dried goods, pressing myself against the side of the plane panels. I'd made it there just in time. The rear deck of the plane rose as I took my spot. I let out a breath as I pressed my head back against the panels.

It was about a two-hour ride to the edge of the Capitol. I took the time to slip into my soldier uniform and tie my hair back. I put it in a ponytail rather than a braid in the hope that people didn't immediately recognize me. I needed to get to my team before being caught and shipped back to Thirteen. When the hovercraft dropped and the ramp opened, I walked out before any soldier could catch me. I kept my head down as I walked out but my hair and bow instantaneously gave me away. Faces turned to me within seconds.

"Hey, that's her," I heard one man say.

"That's Aspen Antaeus," a second man said.

There was a lot of scattered muttering as I walked further into the camp. I was terrified that I was about to be caught and put back on the plane to Thirteen when I felt a hand fall on my arm. "Hey," Gale greeted.

I breathed out in relief as I wrapped Gale in a hug. "Gale," I muttered.

"I didn't think you would make it," Katniss said, coming up to my other side.

"I said I'd be here, didn't I?" I teased her.

"I thought they said you weren't suited for active duty?" Gale asked.

"They did," I answered.

"Come on," Gale said.

The crowd that had gathered were all holding up my sign as Katniss and Gale pulled me toward the camp. I let out a deep breath nervously as I walked. I didn't manage to keep my appearance in the Capitol a secret for nearly as long as I'd meant to. I had thought that they would see me after a few hours, not after a few minutes. The crowd began to part as Katniss and Gale dragged me along with them. I gave them both a confident nod. This was the fight I had been looking forward to for so long.

A/N: This chapter was initially supposed to end in the Capitol, but I always thought that it made the chapter in the novel too rushed. So I decided to cut it in two. I also did not realize how long it had been since I'd updated this. Oops. I promise the next one won't take nearly as long! Thank you so much for the follows and favorites! Please review! Until next time -A

So you guys are aware, I do have a Twitter account you can follow to stay up-to-date with me and my stories. It's going to be the easiest way to get in touch with me too. The link is /walkerlifeforme

AdrienneMonfils: Here's hoping you've enjoyed this one!

Random: I know my updates can be so sporadic but I'm trying to make them more frequent! I promise that I'll start updating more than I used to since I'm so close to the end. I'm so glad that Aspen and Cato's relationship has been written realistically as I know it's not a very realistic story. Their progress is slow. Kind of a one step forward and one step back kind of thing. I love Johanna! It broke my heart that they underutilized her in the movies. I love Cato's P.O.V. and I'm hoping to come back to it soon. His hijacking will certainly come and go. The shine was such a tiny but important detail in the books and I couldn't leave it out in my story. Please, I write long chapters and I love long reviews! I hope you continue to enjoy this story and the other ones I've been writing. Thanks for reading!

Guest: I'm glad you like the growing friendship with Johanna! I loved her in the books. There will gradually be more Cato/Aspen but it'll be slow. It moves very slow, but it'll pick up speed soon. Hope you liked this one!

Hurrhurrhurr: Thank you! That's actually an interesting thought. I hadn't thought about bringing in Aspen's parents' killers since I wrote Revenge. If I can find a good time to bring them in, I will. It would serve as an interesting plot point. I'm glad you brought it up because I've been curious to give it a shot. I have a strange habit of liking to cause my characters a lot of pain... But things always get better! Thank you for reading and I hope you liked this one!

xLaBellaVita: Well, I appreciate everyone! Even the lurkers! I'm so glad you've enjoyed my story. There are a lot of Hunger Games stories so it's great to know that it's one of your favorites. Hope you liked this one!

sjlovesstories: I definitely didn't make this story easy to read. Aspen and Cato's relationship is hard. But I am sorry to make you cry! That's the main difference in my story - there was no doubt in Aspen's love for Cato. It's hard for her to see the man she loves now hate her. This is definitely the most emotional story and it's going to get even more so in the future. I'm so glad you've enjoyed the story so much and I hope you continue to love it!

hanzsolo2: Oh, I understand. This story has been running for a long time. It's a hard story to read with the emotions. I want a happy ending for them too and I'm excited to get there. They do. They're good people who have had one terrible time after the next. I hope you've enjoyed this one!

Guest: We finally have the update! I'm so glad you love Cato and Aspen! They're tough characters to write but I love writing them. Aspen can't force herself to recognize her losses yet but she'll get there soon enough. Cato's family has been having a hard time just like Aspen has and we'll see more of that soon. I'd like Aspen and Damien to have some more time together and they probably will toward the end of the story. Yeah, I know a lot of people still hate Seneca but I do like him. I've had fun working on his character. It's probably my crush on Wes Bentley (his actor). Oh, well. He's mostly out of the picture now!

Sapphire1998: Whoa, that's a lot of writing to binge read lol. Thank you! I'm sorry to make you cry but I'm glad you've also loved it! I promise I'm not giving up on this story. I'll get to the end!

arrowsavanh: I always appreciate reviews! I'm so glad that you love the story! I've tried so hard to make the story as realistic as I can and have their relationship progress slowly but realistically. I'm so glad to know that you've enjoyed their story so much since it's been a serious task to write. I am doing one hundred percent better, thank you so much. I'm sorry about the long hiatus this story was on but I'm back now and determined to get to the end! I hope you've enjoyed this one and thank you for the well-wishes again.