Chapter 15 – Edward

"You do realize my mother was hit by a bus and my father offed himself, right?" Bella asked in response to Edward's declaration of him killing her parents. "I mean, you had their obituaries in that box of yours, so I know you must know that."

But Edward shook his head in disagreement. "It was my fault," he repeated. "I was on that bus with my parents. We were in New York on vacation from Italy. We were on our way to see the Empire State building, and I distracted the driver. I was messing around and I caused him to hit your mother."

"Hold on!" Bella stopped him. "You were on vacation in New York from Italy?" she questioned, choosing to focus on the one part of his story that she could comprehend at the moment.

"I grew up in a small Italian town called Bivio. Bivio means Fork, or crossroads. I just always tell people I'm from a town called Forks. I didn't know it was a real place here in the U.S. until you mentioned it."

"So, you're like Italian, Italian? Like, straight from Italy?" Bella asked surprised. "You don't have much of an accent. I mean, I've always noticed a little something, but nowhere close to you being an actual foreigner."

"My mother is American… was. She was American," he corrected himself. "I grew up bilingual."

"So, she really did die? At least that's one thing you didn't lie about."

"She died on the day I met you," he confirmed.

"Also, the day I likely got pregnant… Or, I guess, technically the day before I got pregnant. Basically, the same day. Yay," she said sarcastically.

Edward let his head drop. "I'm sorry," he mumbled again.

"I just don't understand why you would lie about where you came from," Bella questioned. "Of all the lies you told me; the place you came from didn't need to be one of them."

"I never meant to lie about that; at least not maliciously. When I was a kid, I had this idealized view of America from my dad. If you asked him where heaven was, he'd say America. He even managed to find an American woman to marry in the middle of his tiny Italian rural hometown. I guess when I got here for college, I just… wanted to fit in. This Americanized, shortened version of my last name wasn't something I just did for you either. I've been telling everyone that my name is Masen basically since I first got here eight years ago. My professors in college even call me by that name despite seeing the correct way on all my paperwork."

Bella absently played with the tag of the blanket she was sitting on as she gathered her thoughts. "So… because you think you killed my mother, you've been, what? Obsessed with my family, or something? Found my name on one of those news clippings and thought it would be a good idea to… mess with me?"

"No. When the bus… when it hit her, I was in the front, watching the entire thing. I had banged my head on the window pretty hard, so I had blood all over me too, but… I just kept staring at her. I'd see her… your mother, on the ground, her blood was… it was... Every time I'd close my eyes, I'd see it. I couldn't sleep without the it replaying over and over again. I stopped talking… for months. My parents… they didn't know what to do with me. My dad resented me for it. Blamed my mother for not disciplining me more. Blamed himself… I don't know. He asked his cousin to send him news clippings and such."

"His cousin?"

"Demetri's father. He had moved here earlier that year to open a restaurant."

"Bella Luna?"

Edward nodded.

"So, the clippings were your father's?" Bella understood.

"He couldn't get past it. None of us could. He felt so much guilt over the fact that his son was responsible for the death of a pregnant woman. When he read that her baby had survived, he was relieved, but only slightly. He asked his cousin to keep sending him anything they found on your family. I guess it was his newest obsession… But for me… it was like I never got off that bus. Every day, I was riding it in my mind. Every night it would end with blood. Between my mental issues, and my mother crying all the time, and their constant fighting, and his own guilt, he left me and my mom, and I haven't seen him since."

"Your father really blamed you for what happened?" Bella asked in disbelief.

"How could he not, Bella? I was… out of control. I never listened to either of my parents, I was…"

"A kid," Bella said with a humorless laugh. "You were just a kid. Do you know how many rambunctious kids ride buses every day?"

"Well, none of them caused a deadly accident."

"No, you're right about that. Most of the time hyper kids just irritate everyone on public transportation… and that's what should have happened with you. Edward, it was an accident. It wasn't your fault; sometimes bad things just happen. You know, I gotta say, I'm not sure what kind of child psychologist you're going to be if you honestly can't accept an accident for an accident. At the moment, I think my uneducated self is a better therapist."

Bella's words made Edward's lips curl just slightly. "Everyone always says doctors make the worst patients."

"I believe it," Bella agreed. "So, you brought your dad's box full of newspaper clippings of my family, because?" she asked, hoping to get a better understanding of his mindset.

"I found the box the year before I moved here. I brought them with me because… I don't know. I always thought I owed your family something. I have no idea what, but some kind of restitution in some way. Then, when I found that flyer for your band… I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I needed to know that I hadn't ruined your life entirely."

"Edward," Bella sighed. "You do realize you're talking about stuff that happened before I was born… or on the day I was born, I guess? You were a child. I honestly don't understand why you've blamed yourself for any of it, other than the fact that your father put those guilty thoughts in your head. Based on what you've said, I'm kind of glad he left you guys, if I'm being honest. He sounds toxic."

"I killed your mother," he said again, as if he assumed Bella didn't understand what he was saying. "And because of that, your father died too."

"My father killed himself," Bella retorted bluntly. "That was his choice."

Edward shook his head in disagreement. "If I had listened to my parents. If I wasn't messing around, the bus driver would have seen your mother in the street. He would have stopped in time. She would have lived, and your father would have lived, and your life wouldn't have been one loss after another. You would have probably had siblings even."

"Now you're speaking in hypothetical terms?" Bella said, slightly frustrated.

"I saw her picture at your grandfather's house, hanging on the wall. She was cradling her stomach. She was cradling you in her stomach, and she looked happy. But then my brain went right back to seeing her on the street, lifeless, in a pool of blood…" Edward squeezed his eyes shut again to try to bury the image deeper into his mind.

"Edward," Bella murmured as she got off her hospital bed and went to sit next to him on his. "What happened to my mother was a horrible accident," she reiterated one more time. "Maybe you distracted the driver, but maybe he would have hit her even without you there, just like how that bus driver today almost hit me. Maybe my father was to blame. Maybe he said something to upset her. Maybe she just wasn't paying attention. Maybe there was a bunch of factors that played into it, but the bottom line is that it was just an accident. Blaming yourself for something that happened over two decades ago when you were just a little boy is… is unnecessary torture."

"It's not easy to just get over killing someone," he mumbled painfully.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice called right before he pushed the curtain open so he could see she was okay. "Thank god!"

"Pop," Bella whined. "Who called you?"

"One of the nurses here gave me a head's up. We play poker together sometimes."

"Nice," Bella said with a head shake and a smile. "I think that has to be illegal in some way. Patient privacy or something? I am an adult."

"Eh," Charlie responded with a grimace and a dismissive wave of his hand. "I'm just glad you're alright." He looked at Edward. "That you're both alright. What happened?"

Bella shrugged. "Got hit by a bus. No big deal."

Charlie's face went pale from her words.

"Pop, I'm fine! It barely bumped us, and Edward took most of it."

"Are you okay, son?" he asked concerned.

Edward nodded, but he didn't confirm verbally.

"What's wrong? What aren't you two telling me?" Charlie asked suspiciously. "Are you guys fighting? I know situations like this can be stressful, but don't allow it to get between you."

"No, Edward is just stuck in unjustified guilt over the death of my mother because he was on the bus that hit her and thinks he distracted the driver," Bella said brazenly.

Charlie's brows lifted in shock, and then he turned to Edward. "That is quite the coincidence."

"Not really," Bella disagreed. "He sought me out to make sure I was okay. That's how we met. I just didn't know it until right now. Now, he is drowning in guilt. Well, apparently he has been drowning in guilt for twenty-one-years."

Charlie shook his head in bewilderment. "You poor child."

"What?" Edward asked confused, thinking for sure that at least Charlie would hate him.

"That must have been horrifying for you," Charlie added compassionately. "I can't even imagine a kid witnessing something that."

"I didn't just witness it; I was standing by the bus driver. I was distracting him. It was my fault."

"It was no one's fault, Edward," Charlie disagreed. "In life, shit happens, and it happens to the best of us. Alice was… a bright light in this world, she really was. She had some tough breaks and it's tragic, but she had always struggled with things, and I've come to realize that maybe she just did what she came here to do in this world, which was give me that girl right there, and then her time was up."

"Then Bella's father…" Edward said, but let his words trail off.

"Jasper was… he never did anything halfway," Charlie told him. "I spent so many years blaming myself over his suicide. If I had been a better father. If I had made him feel like he could come to me with his struggles. Maybe… But he was close to his mother, and he still didn't go to her. He wouldn't let us in."

"Because his grief was too much," Edward mumbled.

"A lot of people lose their spouses and they don't kill themselves," Charlie retorted. "It's taken me a very long time to accept that what happened was no one's fault. We never know what path life will take us on, or how long we have, but we shouldn't waste any of it by dwelling on things we can't change. I don't know why any of it happened, but I'll tell you what I do know – none of it was caused by some kid on a bus. How old were you? Six?"

"Five."

"A five-year-old doesn't have that much power," Charlie told him. "Whatever guilt you think you have, use it to do good –which is what I'm assuming you plan to do with that doctorate degree you're getting. And, you quite possibly saved Bella today from sharing the same fate as her mother."

"The bus stopped in plenty of time," Bella disagreed.

The doctor finally got around to examining them, so the conversation ended, but Charlie and Bella definitely gave Edward a lot to think about. No amount of therapy or even the passing of time, could ease Edward's two decades of suffering as much as the surviving members of the Swan family had that day. It was almost surreal to him that a single conversation could be so cathartic. Edward would never fully absolve his part in that fateful day, but with Bella's support, he was ready to move forward again.

"Baby's fine," Bella said casually when she joined Edward in the hospital lobby. He had been released first, and since they weren't legal family, he wasn't allowed to stay with her.

"I'm going to head home," Charlie announced. "You're both okay?"

"We're good, Pop," Bella assured him.

Edward nodded in agreement.

"You know, I'm too young to be a great-grandfather, right?" he said, playfully serious.

"Good thing you'll just be 'Pop' to the baby then too," Bella said with a wink.

"Alright. Rest up and then come see me, okay?" Charlie insisted. He kissed Bella on the top of her head, and patted Edward on his back before leaving.

"Are you ready to go home?" Bella then asked Edward. "I mean, assuming you still want me there with you," she added, letting her self-doubt creep back in.

"Why wouldn't I want you there?" Edward asked, confused by her words.

"I don't know. Were you only with me because of your misguided guilt?"

"No," he said wholeheartedly, upset she would even think such a thing. "I went to see you after finding that flyer because I wanted to make sure you were okay. Maybe I even came back to New York in the first place because a part of me wanted to find you. I used the excuse of wanting to face my fears and finally see the Empire State building since we never made it when I was a kid, but I know now it didn't have anything to do with any of that, or even college. I really just wanted to be closer to you. Closer to the person I hurt the most. I guess I'm a masochist," he said with a slight laugh, but he quickly became serious again. "After I met you, I wanted to spend a little more time with you, but… once you followed me home, I sort of fell in love with you."

"Sort of?"

"Yeah, well I fell for you pretty hard, but then you came at me with that tattoo gun, and I don't do needles, so I kind of lost a little of my affections for you. Now that it's done, I like you again… a little," he said, surprising himself that he was able to joke at all at a time like that.

Bella giggled. "I knew you were a wimp. I have to give it to you though, you hid it well."

"I've learned how to bury pain pretty efficiently. I would have never been able to function at all if I didn't," he said honestly.

Edward was still sitting in one of the lobby waiting chairs, so Bella closed the distance between them, and wrapped her arms around his head and knotted her fingers in the back of his hair.

"Well, maybe it's time to stop doing that. I mean, you don't have to be whiny all the time, but you certainly don't have to pretend to not hurt."

"It's funny, when I first saw you on stage…"

"Screaming," Bella interjected.

Edward nodded. "It was definitely loud. But I honestly thought… I thought I could somehow fix you. As if you needed to be fixed." He shook his head. "I had it so backwards. I'm the one that needed you to fix me."

"You weren't wrong in thinking I was broken," she disagreed. "I have always run from relationships. I never wanted to get attached to anyone or anything, but… somehow you just… made me want more. I don't even know how or what you did exactly, but I know if it wasn't for you, I still wouldn't want to be with anyone."

"Maybe my mother really did send me that flyer. She knew we needed each other," Edward mused.

"I talked to her earlier," Bella told him. "Is that weird? I just found out I was pregnant, and I was out at the docks, and I was feeling a little lost. I never met her; I don't even know her name, but I somehow felt close to her in that moment."

"Rosalie," Edward informed her. "Her name was Rosalie, but everyone called her Rosa or Rose, so the rose you put in my tattoo couldn't have been more perfect."

"You could have told me that sooner," Bella said with a smile.

"I guess it never came up."

The pair was interrupted by a rather aggressive cough from someone waiting to be admitted, so they decided to leave before they caught something. They walked with their arms around each other towards the stop for the bus that would take them home, and as they waited, Bella needed to know something.

"You haven't said anything about the baby. I mean, I know it's not ideal, but…"

"This might sound odd," he interrupted her. "But as it's sort of sinking in, I'm really getting freaking excited about it."

"Really?" Bella asked surprised.

"Yeah, I really am. If given a choice, sure we would have waited a bit, but… like what your grandfather had said, life sometimes chooses for us. I'm just so fucking glad I knocked up a stranger instead of my wretched ex."

Bella laughed. "Right? I guess that date on you tattoo has multiple meanings now."

"A lot happened around that day. A lot of shit followed by the most profound moment of my life."

"By profound, you mean?"

"Meeting you. Knocking you up. Best thing I ever did."

"It's easy to say that now when we're new and fresh. Just give us a few years and see if you still believe that."

"I'll still believe it," he said confidently. "You and me, we're forever. I don't have a doubt."

"This might be the craziest thing I've ever said… but I'm starting to become a believer," she agreed. "The whole flyer to your chest thing… there is no explanation other than fate… or your mother. Either way, I really think we will be okay."

"We will be."

When the bus arrived, it was the first time Edward could remember seeing one without fear. The couple looked at each other, with so many emotions exchanged between their eyes. With a slight encouraging head nod from Bella, they boarded hand in hand. That was the way they would take on life from that moment on – hand in hand. The two of them against the world.

Once they arrived back at their apartment, Bella planned to ask him a million more questions about his life and where he came from. He was finally ready to tell her anything and everything, but all of that would have to wait for later. They had come so close to losing each other – first by anger and misunderstandings, then by being smashed by the bus. One or both could have died, and that realization weighed on them heavily.

They just wanted to hold each other.

"Oh my god. It like, really hit you," Bella said as she gently pulled Edward's shirt off and saw that the entire side of his body was black and blue.

"It bumped me. If it really hit me, I'd be dead… and so would you since I was holding you at the time. You would have thought I was smart enough to actually push you out of the way instead."

"I'm glad you didn't," Bella said tenderly. "If you were going, I would have rather us both go together."

"I doubt that's how you were feeling at the time. You were pretty pissed at me," he countered.

"Well, I don't like liars. So, if we are going to stay together you need to stop doing that."

"I'm done," he assured her.

"Good," she kissed him sweetly on the lips, before going for his pants. "Would you tell me if you were in too much pain to do this?" she murmured.

He smiled. "No. But it wouldn't matter if I was, we are doing this either way," he said while unbuttoning her pants.

"What if I said I was in pain?" she challenged him.

"Then I would still take your clothes off, but I would just hold you all night."

"So, that's what we will do tonight."

"Why? Are you in pain?" he asked concerned.

"No, but you are. I don't want you hurting just so we can have sex right now. There will be plenty of time for that later."

"I think at this point it would hurt me more to not have sex," he said with a smirk.

Bella's lips spread wide. "We can't let that happen, now can we?"

She knotted her hands in the back of his hair and brought his lips to hers. Their kiss was intense and needy, but full of so much emotion that they had to pull away momentarily just to catch their breaths.

When Edward used that brief break to go for a condom, Bella stopped him. "I'm already knocked up. There's no need for anymore barriers between us."

Edward's smiling lips returned to hers, and they crashed into the bed. If he was hurting from his injury, he would never say.

The moment he pushed into her, they both seemed to feel the need to pause and take in the significance of the moment.

No more lies. No more secrets. Nothing between them except their passion for each other.

"Edward, tell me you love me," she whispered, no louder than a breath.

"Bella, I love you more than you could ever know."

She smiled as her eyes welled and her heart felt like it was about to combust from being so full. She believed him. Despite his lies, she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he truly loved her. It was an amazing feeling.

"I love you, too," she told him. A simple phrase with a huge meaning, especially for her. She had never told anyone she loved them, and for the first time, she wasn't afraid of those feelings. Life would not take away that love from her. Bella had found her place in the world – they both had – right there in each other's arms.