Beautiful

The ugliness followed us from that night, latching on like some sort of leech that sapped the color out of everything around us. It turned the world hideous for many of us, making it near unbearable to stand the sight of each other. I certainly know that's how I was feeling at the time.

A beaten silence hung over BoulderClan, one like Hollypaw had never experienced before. It'd been that way for the last three days, since the fateful night their group had returned home embarrassed and defeated. Shock had run rampant across the camp like a wildfire at the condition Brackentail was in.

It caught the older cats more off guard than anyone else. There had rarely been an incident where the deputy suffered more than a few bites and scratches from a fight. To then see him being literally dragged into camp, his leg a bloody mess, and their group the complete depiction of demoralization, must have fractured something in all of them.

Their shamed expressions were enough. It'd told them all they needed to know of the events that had transpired, and no one spoke a word of it since.

Cats went about their day in sluggish, downtrodden manners. Dourness percolated through the walls of the dens, spreading as far as even the nursery where the kits lay dejectedly among each other, no one having the energy or want to play. The somber, quiet mood surrounding the queens had managed to snuff out their enthusiasm.

The elders weren't better off, outright having refused to leave their nests for several days, despite the urging of Juniperleaf that they needed the exercise. It was only after sending a group of apprentices to change their moss that they forcibly relocated outside to moodily sunbathe. Their disappointment was just as palpable as any.

Hollypaw wasn't certain what stung her Clanmates pride more. The defeat or the fact that their deputy was sidelined for the foreseeable future. Brackentail's leg was in bad sorts. The warrior had suffered multiple lacerations to his calf muscle and managed to twist his leg at an awkward angle after getting tangled up with a CloudClan cat. He'd been put up in the medicine den with his leg heavily lathered in herbs and wrapped in cobwebs, where he'd silently remained since, rejecting visitation from any cat that attempted to see him.

Morale wise, Hollypaw couldn't say she was doing much better than her Clanmates, though, it infuriated her to see them this way. She hated to see any cat moping around, especially herself. Her mood was probably at its foulest right now while she sat sourly chewing halfheartedly at a mouse she'd caught earlier.

The tortoiseshell she-cat's thoughts were a tumult of incoherent noises. She'd spent the time cursing herself for her utterly uselessness at being unable to do anything during the attack. Brackentail injured, their bodies and honor battered, the nameless amount of CloudClan cats that had surely taken some damage as well, what was there to be thankful for?

No one died, she briefly offered to her own thoughts, though doing so felt incredibly hollow. Sure, no one had died, but none of them were even certain Brackentail would be able to properly walk again. And with how mournful most cats were lumbering about camp someone might as well had died.

So much damage caused over such petty drama. Petty differences that only result in misfortune like this, she lamented.

Hollypaw's stomach squirmed at the thought of the upcoming gathering. Could their Clan really stand the humiliation and attend? For that matter had there ever been a Clan, after being so soundly defeated, attended the gathering and had to face the smug condescension of the Clan that had trounced them?

"It's all so stupid!" she growled, pushing the mouse away in frustration. Hollypaw stormed to her paws and headed for the gorse tunnel.

She couldn't stand to be in camp a moment longer surrounded by this morose cloud hanging over everyone's head. It was too much. The jumbled thoughts in her head were too much to deal with right now.

She broke off into a run the moment her paws touched the forest floor. Hollypaw became lost in the sound of her paws beating against the ground, allowing it to override all her others senses as she raced through the forest blindly. The point was to let her paws take her where they wanted and allow her to burn off energy in the process.

A cloud of multicolored leaves flew into the air as Hollypaw dashed by. Heart pounding hard, lungs stretching to capture more air, she propelled her body onward. Slowly, after having ran for an undisclosed sequence of time, Hollypaw began to decline in speed.

It was gradual at first. She broke into a brisk trot and then began the descent in acceleration from there until finally coming to a stop in a shrouded part of the forest. The only thing she could hear was the sound of her own breathing. Her jaw hung open as she took several deep breathes to soothe her thumping heartbeat.

Her paws were still alight with buzz from the run. Without restraint, Hollypaw felt as though her body would just take off again without any sort of consideration for her. As the adrenaline finally began to die down, Hollypaw was able to patiently survey her surroundings.

She'd ventured into a part of the territory she wasn't familiar with. It was lightly enclosed, a small area of trees tightly knitted together that cast a shade over the area, but allowed for shafts of sunlight that broke through the thick canopy above.

"Ah, Hollypaw, what a surprise."

The soft voice caught her off guard. Whipping around instantly, Hollypaw turned to scour the area for the possessor of the voice until eventually landing on a massive mound of fur that she was astounded she'd not noticed since entering the area.

"Oakclaw?" she ventured out, feeling a bit of caution as she hesitantly shifted on her paws. "What are you doing out here?"

The brown tabby was seated under the trunk of one of the trees, his tail flickering about aimlessly, as he smiled in her direction. "Me? Oh, just enjoying the scenery. You see, Leaf-fall is one of my favorite times being in the forest because of how bright and colorful it dresses everything." As though to further prove his point, Oakclaw swept his paws across the ground, sending up a cascade of yellow, brown, and green leaves.

He watched them slowly drift back to the ground, trailing their descent with his pale eyes that caused Hollypaw's spine to prickle for some reason. She wasn't sure what it was, whether or not it was the fact that this was her first time alone with the tom or that her emotions were still in a fritz from the past few days, but Hollypaw couldn't shake the creeping sense of unease she got whenever Oakclaw was around.

Every time the time he was near, Hollypaw was always immediately reminded of how so much unlike the other cats in BoulderClan were. Funny, he seemed to be the only cat back at camp who didn't appear fazed by the disaster with CloudClan in the slightest. His expression was always the same, the way in which he merrily carried himself never called into question. In the interchanging climate of her young life, Oakclaw was the one thing that always seemed to remain constant. The fact that he was the only cat to not suffer some sort of damage in the battle only seemed to further her belief.

It's like you're not even real or something, she thought.

Hollypaw mulled about in her head, trying to decide on something while Oakclaw simply lay, leaning back against the tree, the image of pure comfort. She'd never properly had a conversation with the warrior before, and what with the circumstances being what they currently were, and was on her mind, she decided to try something.

"Oakclaw, can I ask you something?"

"I don't see why not," the tabby responded.

She considered her words carefully. "What-what do you think of all the stuff that's been going on lately? What's your opinion on it all?"

"Hmm?" he mused out loud, absentmindedly curling a claw around a leaf. "I see it as things taking their course, I suppose. Cats are being cats and doing what's in their nature. Nothing more, nothing less."

Something about that response triggered something in Hollypaw. "What do you mean by that?" she pressed. "Don't you believe as a whole we've come far enough as cats where we don't have to rely on things like that? Shouldn't we be strong enough to defy our own nature at this point."

"That would be true only if you think cats are ultimately capable of change," he tossed back lazily. "The four Clans have warred with each other since the days before our respective parents birth. It's ingrained in their mentality. They're only following the paths that have been laid out before them and allowed them to exist this long."

"At what cost though, when they're killing each other as a result!" she protested.

Oakclaw smirked at her. "You say that as though you're the first cat to realize it. They all know. They do it anyway. What you're saying is effectively worthless."

Hollypaw felt her fur ruffle hotly. "Worthless?" she growled, feeling the indignation grow.

"Of course," he stated, as though it was the simplest thing to comprehend. "It's one thing to complain and cry about how ugly a situation is, how outrageously wrong it can be. Talking is easy. It requires no actual effort. But it's something completely different to shut up and go out and invoke the change you want. That's incredibly difficult. That, Hollypaw, requires true effort."

"What are you doing about it then?" she challenged the tabby, angrily. "What are you or anyone else in the Clan doing about it than either looking for another fight or trudging around camp disappointed? There's no effort in any of that either! Especially not laying around in the forest like some mousebrain!" she jeered, directing the insult directly at the warrior.

Hollypaw knew it would probably get her reprehended later, but at the moment she didn't care. She incensed, burning to attack something to extinguish the frustration she currently felt at herself and everyone's else. "That battle was a terrible idea from the start, and instead of you guys siding with Crowstar, you chose instead to go along with Brackentail's plan. And what did it get us? Nothing! Absolutely nothing, but hurt Clanmates!"

She stood there heaving while Oakclaw sat there not even slightly perturbed. The amused smile that lay on his face hadn't wavered nor was there a single strand of fur out of place. If anything, Hollypaw's rant only served to amuse the peculiar cat more. It was like he enjoyed the back and forth between he and her.

"You know, I was watching you during the battle, Hollypaw," Oakclaw began innocently. "I saw what you did, or rather, what you didn't do. Just so you know, abstaining from violence doesn't make you superior. Nor does having the idea for peace make you a revolutionary. Listen to me when I tell you that I've been around a lot longer than you have, Hollypaw. I've seen countless cats come and go, many just like you, with the same sort of aspirations and goals. None of them succeeded. Not a single one. In their quest for change, instead of becoming a solution they turned themselves into the problem and then failed. Quite spectacularly."

Is that why you stepped in and took control from Brackentail? Hollypaw wondered. In that moment of irrationality, it could be convincingly argued that the deputy had become a problem. And now look at him. The possibility of something like that happening to her unsettled her nerves. It made her angry, and in turn, defensive.

"That won't happen to me," she argued back, though inside Hollypaw knew the conviction wasn't there. The tabby's words had shaken her already fragile confidence in her beliefs. "I know what I'm doing!" she yowled at Oakclaw's smiling face, feeling kit like as she did so.

I'd never been made to feel so incompetent, like my efforts were for naught. Is this how you became what you are now? By having your own actions and thoughts turned on against you, as if you were the one truly at fault here?

She turned tail and shot from the area and away from Oakclaw's steadfast appearance, feeling it silently mocking her as she fled. Hollypaw tore through a clump of bracken in her wild charge. Tendrils of grass and flickers of dirt went airborne as she shredded the ground, running through.

Hollypaw knew she was being ridiculous. She was well aware how kit like her behavior of running away right now was. She just didn't care. Sailing across the air as she did, Hollypaw didn't care about any of it.

It's stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! She kept up the rage filled repetition as she traveled aimlessly without care.

Anywhere was better than here for the tortoiseshell cat. She'd never been so fed up with absolutely everything. She ran without the notion of ever stopping, exhausting near all her facilities, until nearly tripping which resulted in her halting to a stop.

Hollypaw lay completely spent, wincing at a sharp pain in front paw when she tried to place weight on it. She gave up on standing and just resigned herself to remain in the large meadow she was in.

Meadow?

Hollypaw suddenly realized the distinct absence of trees around her. This wasn't BoulderClan's territory. The pad of pawsteps alerted her to arrival of another cat and she hastily tried to gather to own paws in a effort to retreat. She couldn't be caught in another Clan's territory. What if she was captured and forcibly taken back home where Crowstar would be placed in a compromising situation where he'd have to apologize for her mistake?

The Clan was in a downward enough spiral already without her blundering being made to add to it.

"Hollypaw?" a familiar voice filled her ears. "I haven't seen you for days! Where've you been? Has something happened between your Clan and CloudClan's?"

She couldn't believe her luck. The tall grass was pushed aside as the speckled tom slid into view, his golden eyes bright and wandering. He took one look down at her disheveled form and dashed to her side, immediately starting to fuss over her like her mother or something.

"What's happened? Are you okay? I could go for help. I think maybe one of the warriors are nearby enough. They could fetch the medicine cat for you. But that may not be a bad idea. No, you wouldn't want to be found on our side, well past your border. That could cause problems for both of us, especially our Clans. And the last thing we need is a trouble brewing before a gathering. Tension at the gathering is a sure fire way to ensue that..." Falconpaw rambled on without pause or notion that he was constantly drifting off onto different tangents, nor that Hollypaw had long since stopped listening.

"They're hopeless, Falconpaw!" she suddenly snapped, knocking the MeadowClan's attention back into focus.

"What is, Holly-."

"All of them!" she continued on relentlessly. "I can't believe I was mousebrain enough to think we could save them. They don't deserve it! None of them do! I wish there was a large cliff I could chuck every last one of them off of. That'd show them!"

Falconpaw raised a paw to dissuade her. "If you do evil out of a hatred for evil, that rage and hate will merely birth new conflict."

"New conflict!" she replied, appalled. "Falconpaw, you of all cats have to recognize that we live in such a wretched place, surrounded by even more vile and wretched cats. Their sheer existence is depended on conflict! It's like they can't properly operate without it! They're incapable of change, and even if they were, I'm convinced none of the want it!"

Hollypaw let it all flow out, pouring every last ounce of her anger at the battle, her disgust with how her Clanmates were behaving, and most importantly her own frustration with herself for being able to not do a single thing about any of it.

Is that mousebrain, right? She asked herself. Is what I'm trying to do only going to make me end up like Brackentail? Not knowing when to backdown and making the situation worse? Should I just give in and expect nothing more. Accept that everything about our life is ugly and that's just the way it'll always be, so long as the Clans exist?

"Tell me, Hollypaw, what do you think is beautiful?" Falconpaw's words sliced through her whirlpool of thoughts to latch onto her, bringing her back up to the surface.

"What?" she said, staring up at him in a daze. "What are you talking about?"

"The crimson skies, the endless expanse of the earth, flocks of birds," the speckled tom recited at once. "Playing by the waterfront. Hardworking ants. The soft blow of the breeze. The golden glow of a sunrise and red haze of a sunset. The fresh smell of morning dew, these are things that I find beautiful, Hollypaw. I find it all beautiful. I find beauty even in the most flawed of things, especially cats."

Hollypaw paused, staring at the speckled cat in awe as his words sunk in. "Cats too? Really?"

"Yes. I think they're beautiful. Probably as beautiful as I find the world." Falconpaw took a deep breath and then focused the full extent of his golden gaze on her, causing Hollypaw to see a reflection of herself staring back. "Do you see?" he continued. "You're looking at a cat that I believe is capable of change just as much any other is. I might make it sound as though I'm not confident of our future when we discuss the Clans, but it's only because I also see the potential bubbling just below the surface. When you're aware change is possible, but you're stuck against a maze of thorns stopping you from getting there, it can certainly be frustrating to deal with. But you don't give up. The fact it's there means it's possible. And if you'll allow me the chance I want to make an effort to make it happen with you. Help me make it so even you see the beauty in this life we live."

She felt dreamlike and enraptured as she listened to Falconpaw. Hollypaw had never heard the apprentice sound so impassioned before. The webs of her doubt slowly began to ebb away, untangling her from misgivings as they went. Hollypaw desperately wanted to believe in Falconpaw's words. That the words Oakclaw had said would be destroyed the moment she decided to align herself with him.

Hollypaw ducked her and then fought to stand on her own four paws. Standing a bit unsteadily, she met Falconpaw's golden gaze and winked at him, smirking as surprise flickered across his face. "You're on. Let's make a beautiful future for everyone to live in."

The alliances were set, though, I severely doubt either of us were aware of it at the time. We were both just trying to do what we saw as the right thing. I was extremely hopeful, feeling like there wasn't a thing that could deter me from my path now. All that hope I felt in that moment ultimately meant nothing, however, when you eventually came to rip it away.