Disclaimers: As much as I may want to claim ownership of this famous series, I can't because both Harry Potter and Fate/Stay Night belongs to a whole lot of different companies that I can't remember the names of at the moment. Any characters that appear in this fic that is not a part of the original series, belong to me so don't take them without asking first.
Word Count: 762
Marriage Law Rejection Letters
Letter #75
Submitted By: Phoenix Paladin
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Dear Madam Belladyne Chippler,
British Minister of Magic,
Firstly, as we (or, rather, 'you' in particular) have yet to meet, allow me to introduce myself;
My name is Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, though I mostly prefer to be called Zelretch, also known as the Wizard Marshall, Zelretch of the Jewels, and/or the Kaleidoscope.
The Kaleidoscope, incidentally, is the unofficial/official name of my main magicks, which is the Second True Magic, and involves, in layman's terms, the ability to travel between and within the multiverse. Now, if you don't know what the multiverse is, simply think of it as an enormous length of rope. And then envision each separate fibre is a universe or timeline where differences could be as minor as different things you had for breakfast last Thursday at 9:32 AM, or as major as your entire family line being, as you call them, Squibs. You now have an idea of how much power I could wield should I and my alternate selves pool our respective Prana to cast spells.
I am, further, the 4th ranked member of the 27 Dead Apostle Ancestors, or 27 D.A.A for short.
Now, you may be wondering, "Just what is a Dead Apostle Ancestor?"
I believe, according to an alternates grandson, that your closest approximation would be vampires. Furthermore, the 27 D.A.A are the strongest threats to Humanity, number 1 being capable of wiping out all Humanity instantly and number 27, while most likely needed some provocation, would likely take around a month to half a year to either exterminate all Humanity or turn them into ghouls to serve him.
Now, you are undoubtedly thinking I'm threatening you. I assure you, I'm not... yet.
Did you know, that the very planet you stand on has a consciousness? And that the same holds true for all the planets in the universe? Well, Gaia isn't very happy with Humanity, so it called on the consciousness of the other planets for aid in clearing them off, much like ants off the floor.
The Moon was the first to do so.
To make a long story short, I, with all the Prana as supplied by my alternates, held the Moon, indeed the very same Moon in the night sky, at bay so that it could not essentially wipe out all life on Earth. Ask a 'Muggleborn', as you call them, as to just how big the Moon is, and then have your researchers look into how much energy would be used to hold that from crashing into the ground when it's actively trying to kill everything save the planet.
Now that introductions are out of the way, allow me to get to the heart of the matter;
You recently sent a letter to my darling wife, one Luna Schweinorg née Lovegood, whom has been a wonderful source of chaotically random entertainment since I'd met her, that she was to, and I quote, "present herself before the Department of Marriage Licensing so as to be introduced to her magically matched fiancé, married and to aid in the repopulation of the British Wizarding World to acceptable levels."
It is only through the mischievous grace of my beloved wife, whom has undergone the process of becoming a Dead Apostle Ancestor with aid from Black Wing, that I have not dropped each and every last one of you into a lovely little world known as Mareth, which so happens to be overrun with lust-filled demons.
She instead suggested I make a list of every embarrassing moment you and your alternates have done and, should you attempt to 'retrieve' my wife, I will happily have you all reenact those moments in public.
Though my earlier threat is still on the table.
Sincerely,
Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg
Author's Notes:
This latest Marriage Law Rejection Letter update was recently submitted to my review box by Phoenix Paladin. Thanks for the submission. If anyone else has any letters they want to submit, feel free to send them in. lol