A/N: In a few days, I'll be posting a little surprise that some of you might enjoy.
Family
Family is an interesting subject. One I never brought up because of obvious reasons. Because of this it was also something that I'd never had to give much thought to. Not until the reality of it made its abrupt arrival into my life, mocking me for what I lacked.
A sharp chill had slowly slithered its way into the forest, overtaking the dry weather of Leaf-fall. Days became shorter while nights stretched out longer, ensnaring them further into the chill's cold embrace. The once fantastical appearance of the forest adorned by deep greens, bright reds, and golden yellows were now in the stages of wilting into brittle brown. This stark change helped to reflect the moody transition BoulderClan was currently going through.
Leaves crunched beneath Redpaw's paws as he followed behind Oakclaw. A pair of voles lay dangling from his mouth while Oakclaw carried a mouse and squirrel, signs of their successful tenure at hunting for the day. It was a significant accomplishment, especially considering how scarce prey was starting to be with the ever looming presence of Leaf-bare creeping along.
Redpaw knew he should've felt proud of the fact, but couldn't muster much joy in it. There was a lot on his mind. The battle was still bothering him, but probably not for the same reasons as it was for his Clanmates, who still continued about with beaten and despaired expressions in the aftermath.
The vibe around camp hadn't been a healthy one. It reminded Redpaw greatly of his younger days before he'd been made an apprentice, and how he had felt during those troubling times. That notion of shame and pang of despondency were so familiar to him, he felt he could very easily recreate those same emotions right now if he desired it.
Unlike the others, however, Oakclaw didn't seem to share the sentiment of brooding over the result. He behaved as he normally would and treated Redpaw the same as usual, taking him straight out into the forest to train and hunt everyday without fail. By staying active, this was probably what kept Redpaw from falling into the same level of funk that plagued his Clanmates.
He did his best to be as invested in it as he could, wanting to do his part and more to help out while cheering up the camp in the process. In the last couple of days Oakclaw had made a very strong impression on him, whether the tabby was aware of it or not, and Redpaw was driven to follow his lead by doing everything he could to serve.
The mentor and apprentice duo slid into the gorse tunnel and out into a scarcely populated camp. With the weather becoming cooler it wasn't really in any cat's best interest to linger about outside and risk catching a cold. The other more obvious reason had to do with the prolonged bout of dismay tainting their attitudes was Redpaw's guess.
They crossed the hollow and deposited their catches in the freshkill pile. Oakclaw gave a light stretch while Redpaw glanced around, his eyes immediately falling on a familiar tom quietly sitting outside the medicine den alone. His russet fur was slightly unkempt and Redpaw noticed how his posture lacked its usual air of pride.
"Go on, then," Oakclaw said, noticing his line of sight.
Surprised, he turned to look up at the tabby. "Is it really, okay? There's nothing else you need to do?"
"I need to speak with Swiftstep about the cats who'll be apart of tonight's night patrol, so you're free to do as you like with your time."
Grateful, Redpaw dipped his head to the warrior and then trotted across the clearing towards the russet tom. He approached in a reserved manner, not wanting to come across as intrusion.
"Still not taking visitors?" Redpaw asked.
Sagepaw briefly glanced at him and shook his head. "Every time I try, Fernleaf tells me he's sleeping."
Pity took hold of Redpaw's heart. At this point everyone in camp knew Brackentail was just avoiding the rest of them, which seemed to only be made worse by the fact that everyday Sagepaw waited from dawn till dusk for his father, anyway, despite the dropping temperature.
Momentarily hesitating, Redpaw decided to sit, silently joining Sagepaw on his lone vigil. The russet apprentice's condition was something he'd been concerned over since the battle. He spoke to no one in camp, ate only when ordered to by Ashfur, and would sometimes even sneak out of the apprentice den at night to watch the medicine den entrance from there, regardless of the cold.
For several days, Redpaw had mulled over how to talk to the tom. He and Sagepaw weren't exactly friends, so just starting a casual conversation with the tom didn't feel authentic to him. The two of them didn't really speak, nor did they actively hang out. Begrudging respect for the other was the only real way Redpaw could encapsulate their relationship.
He's a Clanmate, Redpaw reasoned. That alone should be enough motivation to approach him, right? Okay, so why then was he struggling to come up with something to say?
Words fluttered faraway from Redpaw's grasp as he made multiple mental attempts to capture at least a few. This shouldn't be as difficult as he was making it, Redpaw felt. How hard was it to just open his mouth ask Sagepaw if he was doing okay?
Because he obviously isn't, his thoughts snapped back at him. It was almost insulting to ask such a blatant thing, and Redpaw's intent wasn't to overstep his own boundaries here. So what other option did he have then?
"You know, I never thanked you for before," Sagepaw suddenly came out and said, surprising Redpaw, while effectively breaking the silence between them. "Back during the battle, I mean. I was getting overwhelmed by those two Cloud cats and didn't have a hope in StarClan of getting them off myself. And then, out of nowhere, there you were, saving my tail. I don't know any other way of expressing this, but by saying thanks, I guess."
Redpaw didn't know what to say. Sagepaw had completely blindsided him with this revelation. When he had originally dived in to help him it hadn't been on any conscious effort of his doing. He was in trouble, so he reacted. That's just the way it was.
"You really don't have to," he replied eventually. "We're Clanmates, remember? That sort of thing is expected of us. Watching out for the other, I mean. I'd do it again without a thought."
Sagepaw studied him through a steady gaze before mutely nodding. He turned his attention back to the mouth of the den and the silence around them resumed at once.
Great, Redpaw thought grimly. Sagepaw starts the conversation and then I let it fall back into nothing again.
Maybe him just being there was enough, he figured. Talking wasn't exactly necessary, as long as he was able to remain here by Sagepaw's side and the russet apprentice not complain about it. They stayed like that awhile longer until a low murmur from Sagepaw caught his attention.
"Do you think he'll be okay?"
He had never heard Sagepaw sound so vulnerable. In that moment he was completely exposing his fears and insecurities to Redpaw with a single question.
"He's strong," Redpaw responded. "If any cat can pull through an injury like that, it's Brackentail."
He meant it, though, with some reluctance on his behalf. Redpaw had never wished ill on a single cat in his life, but the memory of how rash and unreasonable Brackentail had acted during the battle stuck heavily with him. Trying to the shake the image of how stunned Sagepaw looked after Brackentail snarled at him was even harder. It wasn't the behavior of a deputy, but more importantly, it wasn't how a father should have acted towards their own kit.
He thought of his relationship with Oakclaw. Though it was far from the norm and wasn't exactly perfect, Oakclaw had never shouted at or even raised his voice at him before. Oakclaw had especially never endangered his life in the same way that Brackentail had that night, refusing to retreat when it was clear that they were now being put at risk by remaining.
All this wasn't to accuse Brackentail of being some horrible cat. But when they were in their lowest moment, Redpaw remembered that Oakclaw was the one to come to everyone's rescue and take charge of the situation.
"I always sorta thought my father was invincible. That there was nothing in the world that could really ever hurt him. In a way, I think all kits see their parents in that manner for awhile."
Redpaw found that interesting. For him, he couldn't say he'd had the chance to experience that same sort of awe as Sagepaw was describing. His mother had died when he was barely a moon old, so he was immediately introduced to the reality that no cat was free from harm early.
"Seeing him finally hurt was probably the most scared I've ever been in my life," Sagepaw admitted. "I'd never seen him so much as scratched before. And now everyone acts as though this is it for him."
"Does it make you angry?"
He shook his head. "No, the only thing that frustrates me now is that I'm so close, but still can't be by his side right now." Sagepaw sighed. "All this time and I still haven't seen his face."
It was a different change of pace to hear someone speak so honestly of their kin. In that moment, I realized that even after everything that had transpired since, Sagepaw's only concern was being able to see Brackentail, nothing more. That had to be a bond only forged through shared blood.
"Hey, Sagepaw!" Ashfur's voice washed over them. The two apprentices looked behind them to see the warrior standing near the gorse tunnel. "Come on," the warrior called. "I'm heading out into the forest and you could use the exercise."
Sagepaw sighed beside him and then heaved himself onto his paws, turning to follow Ashfur as Redpaw watched quietly. The two toms vanished, leaving the ginger tom alone at the mouth of the medicine den.
He continued sitting, though not entirely sure why. Maybe Redpaw felt this was his own way of upholding Sagepaw's silent degree to continue waiting for Brackentail? Really, the ginger tom couldn't be certain of his current behavior.
His ears perked suddenly. There was a rustling coming from inside the medicine den. Moments later, lithe and pale, Fernleaf padded out into the open. The medicine cat briefly cast her eyes around the clearing before finding Redpaw sitting directly in front of her.
"Redpaw," she began softly, "if it's not too much trouble, I was wondering if I could get your help with something?"
"Sure," he answered back, rising to his paws. "Do you need me to help collect herbs with you again?"
She calmly shook her head in response. "No, nothing like that. Would you mind watching Brackentail while I'm gone? He's sleeping right now, but I'm not comfortable leaving him alone."
Surprised rippled across his pelt, leaving him stunned. What? Fernleaf waited patiently while he debated with himself over an answer.
"Sure," he relented after a pause. "I'd be glad to."
Fernleaf gave him a grateful smile in return and then motioned for him to follow inside. With some reluctance, Redpaw padded after her.
"Should he wake up give him a few poppy seeds," she was detailing to him, indicating a small pile of seeds on the ground. "It's to help ease some of the pain in his leg."
Redpaw nodded to show he followed the instructions. Fernleaf explained she wouldn't be long, she just needed to stock up on a few things she was running low on, and would be back in no time. Redpaw saw her off with a quick farewell, before suddenly finding himself alone in the middle of the medicine den.
He hadn't been there since his own stay after a clash with a rogue. Usually he'd found the cool scent of mint comforting, but now he couldn't help but feel as though he was trying to stealthily prowl through the chamber of a sleeping badger.
Sagepaw should be here, not me.
Somehow it felt wrong. Sagepaw was the one who had waited days on end for the chance to be near his father again. By sheer chance of coincidence, Redpaw had involuntarily robbed him of it.
He softly padded through the den to quickly peek around the corner where Brackentail lay. Eyes closed, the warrior was on his side with his injured hind leg splayed out, tightly wrapped in several layers of cobweb. Redpaw recalled how mangled and torn the deputy's leg had been moments after it had happened, the image causing his stomach to clinch slightly.
"You can come closer if you want, I won't bite," Brackentail suddenly spoke, opening his eyes and turning to look at him.
Redpaw's fur bristled in alarm, as he hastily jump back. "Brackentail, sorry, I didn't mean to spy," he said, still slightly panicked. "Are you okay? I can go and get you some poppy seeds ri-."
"I don't want them."
"Okay," he replied uncertainly. It wasn't as though he could force them on him.
Brackentail stared at him a moment longer before turning to lay his head back down. Just like that they were back in silence, and Redpaw was suddenly reeling from a case of familiarity.
He stood there, feeling quite silly and out of place, as Brackentail continued to ignore him. Redpaw had gave Fernleaf his word that he would watch over Brackentail until she got back, but the ginger tom was really starting to regret that choice. Feeling anxious, he cast another glance towards Brackentail and then began to pace, his mind racing back and forth the same as he was.
"I think you should see, Sagepaw," he blurted out, realizing too late what he was saying. Might as well keep going now, he figured. "He's really worried about how you've been doing. He waits outside the medicine den every day, hoping you might finally ask for him. I don't mean to pry, but it's just that I know what it feels like to care for someone you admire. And I know that if I was in the same position that you're putting Sagepaw in, it'd probably hurt me too."
Redpaw finally managed to shut his mouth, feeling as though he'd unfortunately done it too late by then. He didn't know where all that had come from, but he'd said it and now he had to stand by it and whatever Brackentail's reaction would be to some know-it-all apprentice telling him what he should do.
He braced himself for some angry rebuttal by the warrior, but it never came. Chancing a glance, he looked to see Brackentail head had risen back up and the deputy was now staring blankly at him. Redpaw stared back unsure what to make of the tom's expression.
"I'm not sure I can, not like this," he indicated towards his leg in a low voice. "Besides, I failed the Clan against CloudClan."
"He doesn't care about that," Redpaw responded. "Sagepaw just wants to see you, Brackentail. To be able to look you in the eyes like I am."
"So much is different now, though. I'm no longer the tom that he looked to for strength," he huffed.
"Sagepaw isn't like that. He doesn't need some hero or the Clan deputy. He just wants his father. You guys are family. Shouldn't that count for something?"
"And what would you know about family!" Brackentail suddenly snapped, causing Redpaw to flinch back. The warrior seemed to instantly realize what he'd done though, and lowered his gaze regretfully. "I'm sorry...that was uncalled for, Redpaw."
The ginger tom's ears were ringing. He felt hot and immensely uncomfortable now, more than he had in a very long time.
"Look, tell Sagepaw I'll...see him soon," Brackentail relented finally, after what felt like an eternity. "Let him know that for me, okay? Soon."
He watched Redpaw give a mute nod in response and then laid back down, closing his eyes and saying nothing more, leaving the ginger apprentice alone to silently brew while reflecting.
Brackentail's outburst had suddenly made me painfully aware of my own situation. I thought about my lack of a father, lack of a family, and the absence in my life that I'd never properly given thought to explore. Surely, I must have one? With Cedarshade having grown up in BoulderClan, surely I must have had some sort of kin in the Clan? Rather distant or not, that must have been some cat that shared my blood, right?