Chapter 14

With his heart in his throat, Tamaki bounded up the apartment steps two at a time. The other Host Club members were right on his heels, and the twins nearly crashed into his back when he stopped short in front of Haruhi's door. The door swung open the moment Tamaki knocked.

Haruhi was surprised by the crowd on her doorstep. She had only been expecting Tamaki, but she moved aside to let them all in.

"Is he okay? Is he hurt?" Tamaki wasn't sure why but he whispered his questions to Haruhi. The group quietly shuffled around in the tiny kitchen.

"He's not hurt, I don't think," answered Haruhi. "But's he's… he's not…" She gestured to the living room indicating that Tamaki should see for himself.

Tamaki turned and paused in the doorway. Kyoya was there, sitting on the tatami mats. He had a towel draped over his shoulders, a hachimaki tied around his forehead, and an untouched cup of tea on the table in front of him. His glasses were lying on the table next to the tea. His t-shirt and shorts were wet and spattered with mud.

"Kyoya?"

He didn't look up. Instead, he stared at the table in front of him. Tamaki stepped into the room, allowing the others to crowd into the doorway to look. Picking his way around the table, he knelt down next to Kyoya. Even though Tamaki knew Kyoya wouldn't like it, he couldn't stop himself from pulling him into a hug. Wrapping his arms around his friend's shoulders, he laid his cheek against the side of Kyoya's head. He was cold to the touch and his messy wet hair smelled of sweat and dirt. Tamaki expected Kyoya to push him off, as that was his usual response to affection, but he didn't. Nor did he hug back. He sat passively as Tamaki held him.

"Kyoya?" Tamaki released him from the hug but held onto his shoulder. "What happened to you? Where have you been? I was so worried about you." Kyoya didn't answer. He just stayed staring at the teacup on the table. "Kyoya?" Tamaki touched his friend's cheek and turned his head to face him. Kyoya's eyes were focused, but if he realized that it was Tamaki beside him, he didn't seem to care.

Tamaki turned to look up at Haruhi standing in the doorway with the others. "What's wrong with him? Where did you find him?"

Haruhi shrugged. "I was walking home from the market when I saw him crossing the road. He wasn't watching where he was going and he almost got hit by a car." Haruhi moved into the room and sat down on the other side of Kyoya. "I caught up to him, but he just kept walking as if I wasn't there. It took some convincing to get him to come back home with me. I had to lead him by the hand all the way. Physically, he seems fine, but he hasn't said a single word since I found him."

"We need to call an ambulance!" Tamaki whipped out his phone, but Haruhi reached across and grabbed it.

"Don't be stupid. He doesn't need an ambulance."

"You're right," Tamaki stood up and began tugging on Kyoya's arm, trying to get him to stand up. "It'll be faster if I just take him in the car. Where is the nearest hospital?"

"Leave him alone." Haruhi slapped Tamaki's hands to get him to let go of Kyoya. "Calm down and sit. He doesn't need to go to the hospital. There's nothing wrong with him."

Tamaki crouched back down. "What do you mean there's nothing wrong with him?" He hissed. "Look at him. He's completely out of it. He needs to see a doctor."

"But think about what will happen if we take him to the hospital now," Haruhi reached across Kyoya to grab Tamaki's arm. Her large eyes pleaded with him. "They'll take him away and lock him up. Is that what you want?"

"Of course not. But Haruhi, he's lost his mind. He doesn't even know that I'm here talking to him."

"Of course he knows you're here," said Haruhi. "Do you think he'd let anybody else come and glomp onto him like you just did? I think he's just ignoring you."

"Ignoring me?" Tamaki looked closer at Kyoya's passive face. "Why?"

"Maybe," Haruhi hesitated for a moment. "Maybe, because he's sad."

At Haruhi's words the other's moved in from the doorway and sat down around the table.

"I think you've got it wrong, Haruhi," said Hikaru. "Senpai is anxious, not depressed."

Haruhi ignored Hikaru's patronizing tone. "Anxiety and depression are just different sides of the same coin."

"But what makes you think he's feeling sad?" asked Honey.

Haruhi crossed arms and sighed. "After my Mom died, my Dad would sometime get so sad that he wouldn't speak, or eat, or even get out of bed, for days at a time. He would just get too deep inside his own head to pay attention to things around him."

"What did you do?" asked Kaoru.

She shrugged. "I figured out that if I lay down beside him long enough, he would eventually put his arm around me and pull me into him. After a while, he'd get up and start doing things again. Maybe if we wait, Kyoya will come around, and then we can talk to him about seeing a doctor."

"So, you think he'll just come out of this on his own?" asked Tamaki.

Haruhi shrugged again. "I think we should at least give him a chance before we start talking about hospitals and calling his family."

"You don't think we should call his family?" asked Honey, surprised.

"He told me yesterday that he's afraid of how his family will react to finding out about his panic attacks. I feel like calling them after he specifically said that he doesn't want to tell them would be a betrayal of trust. I can't do that to him, not after he placed his trust in me by coming here."

"You believe he came here on purpose?" asked Kaoru.

Haruhi looked at him as if he were stupid. "Of course he came here on purpose. In a city the size of Tokyo, the chance of him randomly ending up on my doorstep is impossible. He came because he knew that no one would look for him here. So, I want to respect his wishes and give him the time he needs. If he wants to sit and be sad, then so be it."

"But for how long?" asked Hikaru. "We can't keep covering for him. Especially if he's going to start running away like this. What if something had happened to him on his way here? You said yourself that you watched him almost get hit by a car. If we don't tell anyone and this happens again, we're responsible if he gets hurt. Maybe if he were actually trying to get better, you know, putting in some real effort to deal with his issues, I'd feel different, but he's not."

"Yes, he is." The group turned to look at Mori. He pulled out his phone and showed them the text message he received from Kyoya the night before.

"37:47? What does that mean?" asked Tamaki.

"He went running last night. It's the time he set," answered Mori putting his phone away.

"So? What does that prove?" asked Hikaru.

"That he's putting in effort. He's trying to get better," said Mori.

Hikaru crossed his arms and sighed. "Fine. We give him time to be sad, or whatever, but there needs to be a deadline. We pick a time and if he doesn't snap out of by then, we start making phone calls."

"We can't just pick a random time. It doesn't work like that," argued Haruhi.

"Hika-chan is right," said Honey. "I want to call now, but out of respect for Kyo-chan, I'm willing to wait a little while. We need to set a time limit, to protect everyone."

"Let's give him until tomorrow morning," said Tamaki. He rubbed Kyoya's back in slow circles. It hurt to see his friend like this. Kyoya was always so sharp, with a quiet energy just below the surface. Like a snake ready to strike. Now he looked tired and dull. It was hard to think that the boy sitting next to him was the same person who had been running the Host Club with an invisible, but firm, hand a week ago. "Maybe he just needs to sleep." The group exchanged glances and nodded in silent agreement.

Honey stood up and stretched. "I'm starving. What's for supper?"

Startled, Haruhi looked up at him. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Let's order in," said the twins, pulling out their phones. "What do you guys say to Pho?"

"Now wait just a minute," said Haruhi.

"What?" asked the twins. "Would you rather East Indian?"

"No! Who invited you to stay for dinner?" snarled Haruhi. "You guys can't stay here. There isn't room for everyone!"

"But we have to stay," said Honey coming over and taking her hand. He looked at her with his childlike eyes. "Kyo-chan is our friend and he needs us to take care of him. We can't leave him."

"But…" Haruhi looked to Mori for help but could see the determination in his face. Defeated, she slumped forward onto the table. "Can we order Mexican?"

"Tacos!" cheered the twins.

Ranka climbed the dimly lit stairs to his apartment. It had been a long shift at the okama bar and his new pumps made his feet ache. He was looking forward to crawling into his futon and sleeping until noon. With a tired sigh, he dug his keys out of his purse. Pushing open the door, he stumbled over something as he stepped in. Confused, he flicked on the kitchen light. Mounds of shoes were piled inside the door. He counted six pairs that he didn't recognize. He groaned inwardly. Stepping over the shoe pile, he moved to the living room and slid open the shoji. Light from the kitchen spilled into the dark room and fell on the bodies of seven teenagers sprawled over his living room floor.

He stood in the doorway staring at the scene. The table had been moved into the closet and the twin brothers were snuggled up together watching a late-night talk show with the sound turned down on the apartment's tiny TV. At his feet, Mori, wearing headphones and seemingly asleep, was sitting up against the wall with his long legs stretched out in front of him. His small cousin was lying asleep with his head in his lap. The light spilling in from the kitchen caused the blond boy to grunt and turn over. In the far corner, Tamaki and Kyoya were curled up together like a pair of spoons. Haruhi was in the middle of the room stretched out on her stomach reading a book with a flashlight.

Haruhi and the twins turned and looked up at her father standing in the doorway. Ranka's eyes met his daughter's and for a moment they just stared at each other.

"Kyoya-senpai had a rough day," she whispered pointing to the corner where he lay with Tamaki's arms around him. Ranka peered through the shadows at the pair. A sliver of light from the doorway fell across Kyoya's face. His dark hair fell forward covering his eyes, but Ranka felt that even in the dim light he looked pale and drawn. That boy is too skinny, thought Ranka, his maternal instincts rising. His mother needs to feed him more. Something shifted at his feet and Ranka looked down to see Mori staring up at him. The tall boy nodded as the two made eye contact.

"Dad, I can-" Ranka held up his hand to stop his daughter from speaking. He was tired. He did not have the energy to deal with this situation.

"I'm going to stay at Madame's. Please don't make a mess." With a sigh he closed the shoji again, turned, and left the apartment.

He dreamed that he was walking down a busy street in the rain. A sea of surreal umbrellas flowed past him. Cars on the street raced by him in a blur and a swoosh. Muddy puddle water splashed over him in their wake, but he barely noticed. The dream looked vaguely familiar, but he wasn't really thinking about it. He wasn't really thinking about anything. Guided by instinct through the ethereal streets, he moved with purpose through heaving crowds of downtown Tokyo. He forgot where he was trying to go but he felt driven to get there all the same. In sudden flashes, he'd remember his goal, but the diaphanous thought would soon slip away, and he would continue his aimless trek. He was tired. So very tired.

Awareness crept over Kyoya so slowly that he wasn't sure when he slipped from dreams to reality. He could hear someone crying and another person was speaking softly to comfort them, but he couldn't understand what was being said. As he floated up from sleep, he noticed that someone was holding him and stroking his hair. That's when he realized that the person crying was him and that Tamaki was whispering to him in French.

"Au dodo, mon ami. On est bien ici. Tu n'es pas tout seul. Je suis de tout cœur avec toi."

He opened his eyes. It was dark and he couldn't tell where he was. Not at home certainly. He breathed in the homey scent of tatami mats and listened to sounds of gentle snoring. His began to make out the shapes of other people, but without his glasses he couldn't tell who they were. The thought occurred to him that he should be scared, but he felt safe with Tamaki's arm around him. He reached up to touch Tamaki's arm at his chest. At the touch Tamaki stopped petting Kyoya's hair and gave him an affectionate squeeze.

"Coucou, mon ami."

They sat up together and Kyoya looked around the room as best he could with his blurred vision. He recognized Haruhi's living room and the other sleeping people as his Host Club friends. He wiped away the wetness from his cheeks with the back of his hand and turned to Tamaki. "What's going on? How did I get here?"

Tamaki didn't answer right away. Instead he sat in front of Kyoya looking him over. He put his hands on his shoulders and squeezed as if to convince himself that Kyoya was really there, then reached down to grasp both of Kyoya's hands. "You don't remember coming here? What was the last thing you do remember?"

Kyoya looked down at himself and saw that he was wearing his running clothes. It sparked a memory. "I went running. I remember I set a good time. I sent it to Mori-senpai."

"That was Friday evening. What happened after that?"

Kyoya cast about in his mind but couldn't come up with anything solid. "What time is it now?" he asked.

"It's very early on Sunday morning." Kyoya was startled by Tamaki's answer. He was missing an entire day. "You walked here, to Haruhi's, all the way from your house in the rain. Do you remember that?"

Kyoya closed his eyes. Vague images began to form in his mind. "I think so. Maybe. I'm not sure. It felt like being in a dream. It didn't seem real."

"No one knew where you were and we couldn't find you." Tamaki squeezed his friend's hands. "We were so worried. I was scared something awful had happened to you. I'm so sorry, Kyoya. I'm sorry I let you down."

"What? What do you mean?" Kyoya squinted trying to bring Tamaki's face into focus.

"You called me Saturday morning, but I missed it. You needed me, but I wasn't there and you almost got lost." Tamaki's voice cracked.

Pieces of memories were flooding back to Kyoya. The fit of rage he had in his room, the desperate call to Tamaki, and his father telling him about the hearing for his attackers. He felt his chest tighten. He let go of Tamaki's hands and wrapped his arms around himself.

"Kyoya? Are you alright?"

"Tamaki," Kyoya took a deep breath. "I thought I could handle this on my own. You may not have noticed, because I've been trying to hold it together, but I've been struggling lately. I'm not okay." Kyoya looked when he heard Tamaki snort with laughter. "You think that's funny, asshole?" he hissed.

"No, no. It's not that," chuckled Tamaki as he reached for Kyoya's hand. "Kyoya, my dearest friend, I knew you weren't okay the moment you walked into the classroom the morning after the attack. Walking with your shoulders hunched, not looking at anyone. You looked so frightened and vulnerable. I had never seen you like that before. Even if I hadn't known then, I think the nightmare at the sleepover and your panic attack in the hallway might have given me a clue. I don't think you've been holding it together as well as you think you have."

"You knew? You knew all along?"

"Of course. Everyone knew." Tamaki gestured around the room. "We were trying so hard to help and support you. It didn't always work, and for that we're sorry."

Kyoya didn't know what to say. He was overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. He was so grateful for his friends, ashamed that he had failed to hide his problem, relieved that he didn't have to try and hide it anymore, but mostly, he felt loved. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he choked on a sob.

"Oh, Kyoya." Tamaki pulled him into a hug and held tight while Kyoya finally let out his feelings.

"I am so scared, Tamaki. I'm scared all the time," he cried into his friend's shoulder.

"I know you are."

"I don't even know what I'm frightened of. It doesn't make any sense. I thought it would go away, but it just keeps getting worse. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't be around people. I don't want to go to the hearing. I don't want to see them. I can't stand to be in a room with them. I can't do it. I can't."

Tamaki held him tight and rocked, trying to soothe his friend while he cried. It was hard to understand what Kyoya was saying and Tamaki had lost the thread. "What can't you do? Tell me, I'll help you."

"You can't," sobbed Kyoya. "You can't."

"I can try. Tell me. Please tell me, Kyoya."

Kyoya pulled back to wipe his eyes. "The men. The men who tried to…. I can't face them."

"Face them? You mean in court on Monday?"

Kyoya looked up. "How do you know about that?"

Tamaki couldn't help but chuckle at Kyoya's surprise. "I got a notice. They're being charged for assaulting me too, you know."

Kyoya groaned and slumped forward with his head in his hands. "Of course. I am a terrible friend."

"Bad friend? What are you talking about?"

"You were there. You got hit. They split your cheek open. I've been so wrapped up in my own problems that I didn't think about you at all. I'm so selfish."

Tamaki leaned over and pulled Kyoya's hands from his face. "Don't be absurd. Of course you thought of me. In fact, you thought of me first. The instant they pulled you out of that car you started asking for me. I saw you. You were frantic. Then you hugged me so tight that I could hardly breathe. I'll remember that moment for as long as I live, so you're not going to convince me that you're selfish and that you weren't worried about me."

Kyoya looked into the smiling face of his best friend and couldn't help but feel better. This boy, he thought, has the most amazing heart. What did I do to deserve such a friend?

"As for the hearing," continued Tamaki. "You don't need to worry about that because I'll be there too. Nothing bad will happen as long as I'm there with you. I promise."

Kyoya nodded his head. He could do it if Tamaki was with him. He could do anything as long as he had Tamaki.

"But Kyoya," Tamaki's voice turned serious. "There's more to this than just the hearing. This anxiety you have, it needs to be dealt with properly. I'll help you, but that isn't going to be enough. You need to see a professional."

"I…" Kyoya shifted on the floor and looked out the window that was filling with the watery light of pre-dawn. "I don't want to be sent away or drugged so that I don't feel like myself anymore."

"You need to talk to your father. He knows about these things. Tell him what you need and he'll help find a treatment that works for you."

"My father," Kyoya scoffed. "He doesn't listen to me. I'm supposed to listen to him. I don't know how I could ever tell him about any of this. I don't know if I can even tell them." Kyoya gestured towards their friends laying around the room.

Tamaki laughed again. "Oh Kyoya, you already have. Look."

Confused, Kyoya squinted at his friends, but he couldn't bring them into focus. He saw motion as Mori reached to the shelf above his head and then stretched across to hand Kyoya his glasses. He slipped them on his face and the world became clear. Mori, Honey, Haruhi, Hikaru, and Kaoru were all awake and listening to him.

At first, he was mortified. He had just spilled his soul to Tamaki, but it turned out he had done it in front of everyone without even knowing. He felt naked. Then he saw Haruhi smile at him as she sat up. Honey too. The twins were grinning at him in their coy way. Even Mori looked pleased. Tamaki's words came back to him. They had all been trying to help him all along. His horror melted away and he returned a shy smile of his own.

Before anyone had a chance to say anything, there was a sharp knock on the door. Everyone jumped at the unexpected sound. It wasn't even dawn yet, much too early for a visitor. Haruhi climbed to her feet. Mori got up too, and protectively followed her to the door. She opened the door a crack. Three men in dark suits were standing on the landing. Haruhi's heart skipped a beat before she recognized Kyoya's personal security team.

"Good morning, Fujioka-san. We're here to take Master Kyoya home."