Chapter 16

Kyoya stood in the public bathroom of the courthouse looking at himself in the mirror. He adjusted the jacket of the charcoal suit that his sister had picked out for him over the phone. He had called her yesterday afternoon to let her know that he was okay and had ended up talking for over an hour. She didn't ask him about his disappearance or his strange behaviour, which was a relief. Instead they talked of the family, their friends, his classes, and finally, his wardrobe choices for the hearing. He had figured he would just wear his school uniform, but she insisted on the suit. Adjusting the grey checkered tie against his crisp white shirt, he had to admit, he did look sharp. However, the affect failed to fill him with confidence.

After he had hung up with his sister, he had called Tamaki. Not because he had anything to say to him, but because he had promised to call. That conversation had turned into an hour of Tamaki listing all his new cosplay ideas for the Host Club, each more elaborate than the next. Kyoya ended up working on schoolwork while Tamaki talked to himself until Kyoya had to hang up on him at dinner time so he could make his mandatory appearance.

Dinner had been stressful. It was Sunday so Yuuich was there. He had dinner with them every week so that he and their father could talk business. It was a good thing too, otherwise Kyoya thought they would have spent the entire meal in total silence. No one spoke to him. No one looked at him. His mother was seated beside him and he could feel the icy ire radiating off her. Kyoya guessed that she didn't remember the tender moment they had shared earlier that day. Now she was just angry like his father had been but was keeping it in check for the sake of dinner. Akito wasn't making eye contact, but Kyoya could tell by the look of discomfort on his face that his brother was feeling the strain. The tension had turned his stomach into one giant knot, but Kyoya forced himself to eat in order to finish and get away as soon as possible. That had been a poor decision and he had ended up vomiting everything up as soon as he had gotten back to his room.

With his head hanging over the toilet bowl, he wished he could just curl up into his bed and never leave it. If this was what an awkward family dinner did to him, how was he going to make it through the hearing tomorrow? His stomach clenched just thinking about it. If he was going to stand a chance of making it through the hearing without melting down into a hysterical sobbing mess, he knew he needed a full night's sleep tonight. The anxiety was always worse and more difficult to handle when he was tired. Dragging himself from the bathroom he went and lay down on his bed. His conversation with Haruhi on Friday came into his head. His future self was going to need all the help he could get, so if there was ever a time for self care, it was now. He rolled out of bed and padded down the stairs to change into his gym clothes.

He started on the treadmill. He didn't have the courage to tell his security team that he wanted to run outside, so the home gym in the basement would have to do. For half an hour, he ran at a slow steady pace like Mori-Senpai. When he felt he couldn't go a step farther, he sunk down onto the gym floor. Taking deep breaths, he closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind while focusing on his breath, just as Honey-Senpai had taught him. His attempt at meditation only lasted a few minutes, but it was enough to get his breathing under control and getting him feeling more optimistic.

Heading back upstairs, he passed the music room and thought back to the afternoon he had spent with Tamaki playing the piano. He smiled at the memory. Entering his bedroom, he turned on his stereo and fill the room with the light sound of classical piano.

Not bothering to change out of his gym clothes, Kyoya sat down at his desk and pulled out his math books. Flipping to a random page in the textbook, he began working through the problems. It took him well over an hour to reach the end of the chapter. Leaning back in his chair he remembered the afternoon he had spent at Haruhi's. It had been nice, sitting on the tatami mats in the tiny apartment, drinking tea. But the best part had been when the twins had sent over the picture of his flower arrangement. He wasn't sure why, but seeing it there on display for everyone to admire had made him feel proud. He turned the page in his workbook to a blank sheet.

Listening to the music that was still playing, he began to sketch out a flower on the page. Then another. And another. Before he knew it, he had a whole bouquet filling the page. Laying down his pencil, he held up the book to examine his creation. He was no artist, but considering his lack of practise, he had made a respectable attempt and was pleased with the outcome. He closed the book and yawned. Turning off the music, he grabbed a novel from the bookshelf and climbed the stairs to his bed.

His efforts had helped, but sleep had still been difficult and he had woken up twice. Now he was here, in the men's bathroom at the courthouse, trying to keep his anxiety riddled thoughts to a dull roar. He pulled at his tie again. There was nothing wrong with it, but his irritation wouldn't let him leave it alone. He heard the bathroom door open.

"Kyoya?" Tamaki came in looking smart in a dark blue suit and striped tie. He moved to give his friend a hug but stopped when his saw Kyoya wince. "You all right?"

"How did you know I was in here?"

"The three large men in dark suits and sunglasses standing around the door was a clue," answered Tamaki, referring to Kyoya's security team. They were keeping him on short leash, not even bothering to keep their presence discrete. "How are you feeling?" Tamaki thought Kyoya looked pale.

"I don't think I can do this." Kyoya held on to the edge of the counter to stop his hands from trembling and stared down into the sink. His heart was starting to race and he could feel his chest tightening. Something awful was going to happen, he could feel it. "I can't do this."

Tamaki stood next to his friend and looked at the pair of them in the mirror. "Kyoya." Kyoya looked up and made eye contact with Tamaki in the mirror. "Take a deep breath. I'm right here with you."

"I can't. I can't breathe." There wasn't enough air. He was going to suffocate.

Tamaki pulled a pen out of his pocket and held it up to the mirror. "Kyoya, do you remember what this is?"

"A pen," he gasped out.

"No, try again."

"A flower."

"Right. It's a flower. Let's smell it together." Tamaki sucked in a big breath and Kyoya did his best to do the same. Tamaki flipped the pen over in his fingers. "And now what is it?"

"A candle." Together they exhaled as if trying to blow it out. Tamaki flipped the pen and they breathed in. Flipping the pen, they breathed out. In. Flip. Out. Flip. Flowers and Candles. Just as they had back in the hallway at school until Kyoya's heartbeat slowed again.

"Feeling a little better?" asked Tamaki.

Kyoya nodded and breathed, feeling the rising panic inside him ebbing again. "Thanks, Tamaki. Thanks for having my back."

"Tout le temps, mon pote."

Together they stepped out of the bathroom into the foyer in front of the courtroom. Kyoya saw Tamaki's father standing by the courtroom doors speaking with his parents.

"Kyoya!" He turned to see his sister Fuyumi rushing up to him. She threw her arms around his shoulders to give him a quick squeeze and peck on the cheek. "You look so handsome in your suit. Didn't I tell you? Here, let me fix your tie."

"There's nothing wrong with my tie," he protested, but she had already pulled it off and was re-wrapping it around his neck. He looked up at the ceiling in irritation while she tied.

"Really, Kyoya, a half-Windsor knot? That might be fine for school, but for something like this a Full Windsor is really the only acceptable way to tie a tie."

"What are you doing here, Fuyumi?" Kyoya couldn't keep the annoyance from creeping into his voice, but Fuyumi ignored it.

"What a question! I'm here to see the men who attacked you get sent to jail. I'm here to listen to your victim impact statement. I'm here to support my family. There, that's much better." She flattened the tie against his chest and stepped back to admire her handy work.

"You didn't have to bother."

"Oh, be quiet. I wasn't going to be the only Ootori missing from the hearing." She pulled on the shoulders of his jacket and tugged on the sleeves trying to get the seams to lay flat. She clicked her tongue in annoyance. "You're losing too much weight. You don't fill out this suit as well as you used to."

"Wait, what you mean, 'the only Ootroi missing?'" Kyoya brushed her hands away to get her to stop fussing with his clothes. "Who else is here?"

"We're all here. I saw Akito earlier, though I don't know where he's disappeared to." Fuyumi stretched up on her toes to scan the room for their brother. "I haven't seen Yuuichi yet, but he said he might be a bit late."

Kyoya closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. He felt Tamaki touch his shoulder. Part of him was flattered that his siblings thought it worth taking the time to be here, but another part of him was terrified to know that they would be watching him as he read his statement. He did not welcome the added pressure. He opened eyes when he heard the court room doors opening and the sound of people filing inside.

"Do you have your statement?" asked Fuyumi. "Did you practise reading it?" Moving to join their parents, Kyoya patted his chest to indicate that the statement written by their family lawyer was tucked into the jetted pocket of his jacket.

The Ootori's sat in the front row of the gallery with Kyoya between his father and sister. Tamaki and his father sat directly behind him. Kyoya's brothers came in together and slid past their parents into the row to sit on the other side of Fuyumi. Akito gave Kyoya a friendly chuck on the shoulder as he moved past.

There weren't many people in the courtroom. Kyoya assumed that the strangers sitting on the other side of the room must be friends and family of the defendants. He tried not to look at them. He didn't like thinking about his attackers. To him they were monsters that terrorized his dreams. The idea of them having families made them seem too human.

Kyoya looked around the courtroom to distract himself. He had never been in a real court before and Japanese courtrooms looked different from the American ones he had seen on TV. The gallery faced the front of the room were there was a raised dais with chairs for three judges. Below the dais sat the court clerk. Along the left wall facing the center of the room were the prosecution lawyers. Along the opposite wall was where the defendants would sit with their lawyers behind them. The witness stand was a small table in the center of the room facing the judges.

The quite murmur in the room faded away as the defendants were brought into the room with their lawyers. Kyoya stared at his hands to avoid looking at them. His stomach screwed up and he had to fight down nausea. He felt something touch his shoulder and he turned his head a little to glance behind him. Tamaki had put his hand up on the back of Kyoya's seat in a pose that looked casual and bored. It was Tamaki's discreet way of reminding him that he was there. Kyoya leaned back into Tamaki's fingers to show that he understood.

The judges came in next and proceedings began. The lawyers started speaking, but Kyoya couldn't listen. He stared down at his hands. His stomach rolled and he could feel the sweat begin to soak into his shirt. He clenched his jaw and dug his fingers into his thighs as if trying to hold himself down. He was very aware that his attackers were mere meters away from him. The logical part of his brain was trying to tell him that they couldn't do anything to him in a courtroom. There was no reason to be afraid. His emotions screamed at his logical brain to shut the hell up.

Kyoya looked up when his sister poked him. His name had been called and everyone was looking at him. It was time. He was amazed that he was able to stand and walk to the witness stand in the center of the room. His legs seemed to move on their own without the consent of the rest of him. He avoided looking at the defendants to his right, but they felt so close. He thought he could smell cigarette smoke coming off them. Sitting down in front of the judges, he pulled out his statement from his pocket and unfolded it with trembling hands. He glanced back over his shoulder towards his family and saw Tamaki, that wonderful moron, give him a thumbs up. He turned back and tried to take a breath.

"Your honours, my name is Ootori Kyoya. I am currently a 2nd year student at Ouran Academy. I am here today so that the full impact of the crime is brought to your attention.

"Because of the actions of the defendants, my life and the life of my family has been disrupted. My studies have been interrupted and…" Kyoya's voice trailed off. He sat looking at the words that the lawyer had written for him. What a load of crap, he thought. This statement talked about messed up routines and missed classes. This didn't describe his experience at all. Kyoya glanced up at one of the judges who was giving him a quizzical look while waiting for him to continue.

For the first time, he looked over at the defendants. He didn't recognize the four men sitting there. Three of them were the kidnappers and the other was the ex-employee that had arranged it. The attack itself had happened so fast that he hadn't had time to look at them. Now he had faces to put into his nightmares. These were the faces that had caused him so much grief and internal pain. He was messed up and it was all their fault. He hated them.

His long pause caused murmuring in the gallery behind him. "Ootori-san, are you alright?" asked one of the judges.

Kyoya turned back to face the dais. "I can't sleep," he blurted out. "Ever since the attack I've had nightmares. I don't remember them, but I wake up screaming. They are so terrifying that I'm afraid to go to sleep. Instead I stay up all night watching TV.

"I can't eat. My stomach is twisted into knots and I'm nauseous all the time. I have no appetite, and when I do manage to eat, I just end up vomiting it all up again. It's only been a couple weeks, but I've already noticeably lost weight.

"I jump at every noise. It scares me to be in places with lots of other people. Last week I was walking across a parking lot at a supermarket and suddenly I was back in the moment of the attack. There was no one there, but I thought it was happening again. It felt so real." It came pouring out of his mouth in short, fragmented sentences. His eyes were locked with one of the judges as if he were the only person in the room. He doubted if what he was saying was making sense, but he didn't know how else to describe it. He just needed to get it out, to make this judge understand what these men had done to him.

"Sometimes I start panicking for no reason. I'll be sitting in class and suddenly I feel this sense of impending doom. I don't know where it comes from and I can't control it. I had a full-blown anxiety attack in the hallway at school. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was sure I was going to die. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. I don't know what I would have done if my friends hadn't been there to help me.

"Just the other day the stress made me… I don't know how to describe it. It made me lose my mind. I ripped apart my bedroom and then ran away from my house. I don't really remember doing it. I just remember waking up that night at my friend's house without knowing how I got there."

Kyoya paused to take off his glasses and wipe away the moisture building in his eyes that threated to fall. Taking a shaky breath, he continued. "These men were after my family's money. They weren't after me personally. But it has been personal. Deeply personal. I can't function. They have made my life unlivable. Something has happened to my mind. They've done something to it. They've hurt it somehow. I don't know if I'm ever going feel normal again. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't keep going on like this." His voice cracked. He tried to breathe and swallow down the lump in his throat, but he couldn't speak anymore.

Kyoya stood as the judge told him he could go back to his seat. Turning, he glanced over at his family. His gut twisted hard when he saw them. His father sat with his arms crossed, jaw set, and eyes smoldering. Beside him, his mother stared blankly at the floor. Fuyumi was white as a sheet and his brothers had their heads together whispering.

Instead of heading back to his seat he continued on out the door of the courtroom and headed straight to the bathroom. Crashing through the door he dropped to his knees and heaved into the toilet even though there was nothing in his stomach. He heard the door open behind him.

"Kyoya, that was amazing!" Tamaki came up and started rubbing his back. Kyoya choked on a sob and hung his head down over the toilet bowl. Tamaki put his arms around him and pulled him to sit upright against his chest. "Don't cry, Kyoya. You were so brave. So, so brave. It was incredible to watch, you were incredible."

Kyoya could only groan in response. He didn't feel brave. He felt humiliated. He felt like a failure. Now everyone knew his secret. His father was going to kill him. He had publicly embarrassed the family. It was the worst thing he could ever do. They would never forgive him.

Tamaki pulled his friend off the floor and onto his feet. Helping him wash his hands and fix his tie, Tamaki got Kyoya looking presentable before guiding him out the door. Stepping out, Kyoya almost ran into the back Hotta. All three of his security team were again guarding the bathroom door. They had been at the back of the courtroom and had heard everything. Kyoya was too ashamed to look at them. Instead he let Tamaki lead him by the hand over to a bench by the wall.

"Don't be so sad, Kyoya," said Tamaki, sitting down on the bench. "You did a good thing. It needed to be done." Leaning into Kyoya, he squeezed his friend's hand in reassurance.

Kyoya shook his head. "Tamaki, you don't understand. I disgraced my family. Did you see my father's face? He's going to send me away for sure now. Or worse, medicate me."

"Medicate? What's wrong with that? Medicine makes people better. Don't you want to get better?"

Kyoya sighed and wrapped his free arm around himself. He was feeling sick again. "Tamaki, these kinds of drugs, antidepressants and such, they have side effects. I won't be the same person. I won't feel like me. I can't stand the thought of it. I tried so hard to fix things so that this wouldn't happen. I tried so hard. But it's over now. It's all over."

"Kyoya, I think you might be overstating it a little. I think your family—" Tamaki was interrupted by the doors of the courtroom opening. Kyoya's father was the first person to emerge and headed like an arrow straight to Kyoya. Kyoya dropped Tamaki's hand like it burned and scooted away from him. Tamaki watched in dismay as his friend seem to fold up into himself. Kyoya, so tall and straight, who moved with the casual grace of a cat, sat in front of his father slouched forward, head hanging down without a trace of pride or confidence. Tamaki's heart hurt to see it.

"Come, Kyoya, we're going home. We're overdue for a talk." His father's tone made Kyoya wince.

"Yes, sir."

Tamaki watched Kyoya stand to follow this father. He looked like a puppy who had been kicked. Kyoya glanced back to Tamaki sitting on the bench. Their eyes met for a moment and Tamaki was filled with the sense that his friend was saying goodbye.