a/n: It's been ages but I'm finally back with a new fic! (I posted the first chapter of this story here years ago but deleted it awhile ago it because my writing style has developed and changed so the last one had just become an eyesore.) I actually wrote up the notes for this story almost (coincidentally) seven years ago. I just recently found said notes while going through some old notebooks and this idea still had me feeling a certain type of way so I finally buckled down and got to work on it. But seeing as how I'm a college kid with a mere couple of weeks until finals I can't make any sincere promises on what my updating schedule will look like. Reviews are always a good motivator though! Let me know what you think if you have the time and thank you in advance if you enjoy! :) (cross-posted on ao3)
Chapter Track: Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon
Traveling to Kirigakure was rarely anything short of treacherous. Treacherous was even almost a compliment, given that at least it left something to the imagination. Journeying to the village could be a suicide mission if you lost sight of your goal, and even shinobi who had grown up there risked getting turned around, lost and left for dead in the heavy mist if they didn't stay on their toes. On an average day, new chunin were not sent to carry out missions for other lands here, and heaven forbid anyone be heartless enough to send a genin. Shikamaru Nara and Neji Hyuga, however, were not your average, everyday shinobi.
"On your right."
Shikamaru looked, but through the mist he could hardly make out a thing. That was why having a Hyuga with you out here was a silver lining. Neji's warning was vague, though, and didn't save him from tripping over a thick branch, so how useful was he being, really? If scraped up hands and knees was the worst this mission left him with, Shikamaru knew he really couldn't complain much; he was going to, though, if only just out of spite.
He rose to his feet with a huff and stepped heavily on the curved branch, flattening it out. "Good riddance," he muttered before narrowing his eyes at Neji and saying, "Thanks for the heads up."
"In front of you."
Not the response he was expecting, and it took just half a second too long for it to process. A low hanging branch smacked him directly in the face. Startled and irritated, he reached out, grabbing the branch and using it to help him sidestep and avoid any others that might have posed an immediate threat. Neji's chuckle echoed through the empty air and Shikamaru just knew he was being taken for a fool. After all, the Hyuga wasn't one for public displays of amusement. That's what made the slight that much more unforgivable. So he released the branch. And while it didn't go far enough to smack the smug look off of his face (and even if it had, it still wouldn't have) Neji looked thoroughly insulted by the attempt and that was all Shikamaru could have hoped for.
(This was their seventh mission together in the last week two weeks. Shikamaru wanted to call the behavior they had begun to resort to a symptom of going stir-crazy from having to be around each other so much. Wanted to. But there was an unspoken underlying layer of fondness there that was mutual. Were they having fun? Were they clinically exhausted? It was hard to tell in this line of work sometimes. Maybe the mist was messing with their heads.)
"You're jeopardizing our teamwork," Neji tsked. He briskly walked ahead of him and Shikamaru couldn't help but to find it funny. The more time he spent with the guy the more Shikamaru grew to appreciate his humor. The fact that no one would believe him if he tried to share just made it funnier. He felt like he had joined some top-secret club of people who had seen Neji Hyuga in a genuinely good-natured good mood. It oddly felt like an impressive accomplishment.
Having probably expected Shikamaru to keep pace with their banter instead of contemplating his level and use of human emotion, Neji glanced back at him, eyebrow raised expectantly. A smirk and an ambiguous hum were all Shikamaru offered back. It was comfortable. But a more task-orientated matter was on the horizon now. He could sense it.
"Forty-five meters," Neji said, as if reading his mind.
Shikamaru took a thoughtful breath. It was a risk, for sure, going into Kirigakure with a Hyuga. Out here in the thick forest he was invaluable; inside the village he was more valuable dead. Kiri didn't take too kindly to kekkei genkai users, especially not from other lands. It could be seen as a threat of conflict, even war, and the two were not here to cause an international incident.
"Thirty meters."
Neji's voice was as even as ever, yet somehow Shikamaru could tell he was growing uneasy. This mission had been thrown together rather hastily and the two of them weren't even Tsunade's first choice, nor were they supposed to have been sent alone. Sometimes things had to be thrown together at the last minute when important matters presented themselves, but however necessary the decision, this was anxiety inducing for the two of them. Shikamaru still had doubts about leading missions. It didn't help that his comrade's life was in danger more so than usual on this particular one. They couldn't often allow themselves time to remember that they were just kids walking into all this, but sometimes, in the minutes leading up to conceivable disaster, the repression training just wasn't enough.
"Fifteen meters."
"How do you feel?"
He didn't avert his eyes from the path ahead of them. He heard Neji inhale but didn't hear him exhale. It carried more weight than words could. He wasn't scared, per say, but he most definitely was not at ease.
"Act natural. Do you trust me?"
"I do."
Their approach couldn't seem suspicious. Steady breaths, steady steps. The intensity and heaviness of the moment felt so disproportional that it was almost difficult to remember that they weren't doing anything more than just walking into a village with zero ill intent. As they approached what could just barely be made out as the front gates they shared a silent moment. No words, no eye contact, just a millisecond of pause and an understanding. The two guards at the gate were burning holes through them the second they caught sight of them, and Shikamaru knew he had to keep that silent promise to Neji. He was going to get him in and out of here with as little fuss as possible.
"State your purpose, please," the tall, bearded one commanded, making a point of placing himself directly in front of their path. He wasn't looking at them as a duo, though. He was making direct eye contact with Neji and he was clearly ready to take a more physical approach if they (Neji) didn't cooperate in a way he found satisfactory. The messenger pigeon must not have made it in time, just as they had feared. If they would have had warning of his presence, this would have been a much smoother interaction. But without being able to take explicit note of the arrival of a member of the Hyuga clan and without prior instruction, these guards weren't likely to just dismiss him.
"We're from the Hidden Leaf. We were sent by our Lord Hokage to pass on a message to Lady Mei. She's expecting us."
Shikamaru was perfectly spoken and both he and Neji stood at attention. He even brandished the scroll as proof of his words, and while the guards didn't look thrilled, they didn't have much of an argument to stand on either. The first guard sighed gruffly and nodded once in the direction of his colleague, "I guess that's that," and with a final suspicious up and down look, continued, "Accompany them."
Without a word, the second guard waved them forward and started walked immediately, leaving no room for any more talk. Or so they thought.
"You, Hyuga," he spoke about ten steps into their journey, "Keep your head down."
Shikamaru noticed the way Neji's lips pursed. His pride as a Hyuga wasn't often challenged back home. But if anything could be said, it was that he had gotten better at biting his tongue. Though curt, his reply was exactly what it needed to be.
"Understood."
The remainder of the walk to the center of the village was quiet and uneventful. The guard wasn't interested in making small talk and everyone who passed them, though visibly suspicious, let them go on their way without trouble. Even if the mist were to dissipate right then, the air would still feel smothering. The walk felt like it took a millennium.
The inside of the tower once they reached it was less stuffy but no more comforting. Their steps echoed off the walls all the way up the staircase and down the halls and there was just something about the sound that was anxiety inducing. It felt like they had a new mission. Stay quiet, hold your breath, just walk. So entranced by that mindset, it seemed unsettlingly abrupt when their guide stopped. Turning on his heel, he tapped his knuckles against the door without breaking eye contact with them, saying, "Lady Mei, some Konoha shinobi have arrived to speak with you." It was as if he were just waiting for them to cause a scene. Little did he know, Neji and Shikamaru were both looking forward to them leaving even more than he was.
"Come in!"
The door was opened for them and they both entered, bowing immediately to show their respect. Then Shikamaru got straight down to business.
"Our Hokage sent us to deliver this to you, as well as her thanks for the cooperation," he said, and Neji kept silent but watched him out of the corner of his eye. Shikamaru could feel his eyes on him, and it was somehow a motivation to him. He knew his aura changed when he was on a job. Enough people had pointed it out. It was born through a deep-rooted need to protect his teammates, and while he knew in most cases Neji was perfectly capable of holding his own, knowing that he was still looking to him for assurance was, well, assuring. While 'soft spot' wasn't quite what Shikamaru was comfortable calling it, he had developed a sense of attachment to Neji ever since his first mission as a chunin when they had all risked their lives to bring Uchiha's sorry ass back home.
Because Neji had almost died. Neji had almost died because of his negligence. And yet here Neji stood, still holding full faith in him like he had never almost signed his death certificate. It seemed almost blind of him to do so in Shikamaru's opinion, and he carried with him a sense of dread that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he ever let Neji down like that again.
What felt like minutes of musing were mere seconds and when the Mizukage spoke, it left Shikamaru dazed just a tad. He shook it off, handing over the scroll she was requesting and accepting her thanks. He wasn't quite feeling present in the moment anymore. He just wanted them to be dismissed.
Only a quick glance was offered to the scroll in her hand before she was looking up at Neji instead, a curious glint in her eyes.
"The Byakugan must be quite useful here."
"Oh," Neji was slightly taken aback by the sudden statement, but nodded, "Yes. It is."
She laughed softly, but it seemed lacking in any genuine humor. "I apologize for the reactions I'm sure it earned you here in our village. I assure you we're working on that."
"No need to apologize," Neji said, and Shikamaru didn't miss the tinge of awkwardness in the way he answered. A lot of their missions lately had taken on a common theme; when they were traveling to and from, it was comfortable, but the in between, the actual mission business has started to feel like nothing but filler that he wished they could skip through. He was beginning to think Neji was catching on to the pattern too.
As impatience began to make his skin crawl, he wondered what was going through Neji's mind.
"Well if that's all, you boys are dismissed. Be safe on your trip back."
The relief radiating off of both of them was almost tangible. They thanked her in unison, bowed once more and were quickly escorted back out by the guard who was still really unenthused by their continued presence. Personally, Shikamaru could feel his willingness to be pleasant draining right out of him and believed that the guy should just be happy they were itching to get the hell out of there. The man just motioned for them to follow him back down the stairs and there were no complaints. In fact, their feet seemed to carry them out of the village must faster than on the way in.
"Thanks, guys. Your mission is complete."
Finally.
One polite goodbye later and they were off back into the thick, foggy forest. The thought to stay the night in the village never once crossed their mind. Truthfully, the results were doubtful to be disastrous if they had chosen to, but it just seemed like more trouble than it was worth. They'd set up camp and they'd take turns keeping watch like they had done the night before and the night before that. Then they'd catch a boat back and continue on that schedule until they reached home. It was only hitting them now that it was over how downright ridiculous this really was. It was a distance of 90 hours between the two lands. It was, to be blunt, fucking exhausting, and even Neji, who took pride in taking on missions considered above his genin level status, seemed to be regretting taking on this mission. Shikamaru couldn't shake the feeling that his teammate was in distress as they made their way further away from the village.
"I think I've overused my Byakugan."
Shikamaru's eyes widened, concerned. Neji was typically pretty skilled in masking his discomfort. He had to be. Shikamaru was just as familiar with the routine of pushing through; it was a lot easier to ignore when they were still in the middle of their mission and he had to carry themselves accordingly, though. But now he could tell that the strain Neji felt was becoming harder to ignore.
He stopped suddenly and Shikamaru nearly ran into him. He heard the Hyuga exhale deeply and stepped forward in time to see him deactivate his Byakugan. Placing a hand on his shoulder, Shikamaru waited silently, not sure what Neji needed from him but ready to give it regardless. With his eyes screwed shut and his body swaying almost unnoticeably Shikamaru could tell how off balance he was and he reminded himself to stay alert while Neji tried to fight through the spell of dizziness. This wasn't a good time for them to forget where they were.
Feeling his anxiety grow, Shikamaru squeezed Neji's shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting manner and asked, "Hey, are you gonna be okay?" Neji didn't respond. He kept his eyes shut and his fists balled up at his sides and Shikamaru noticed a pattern to the way he was breathing and recognized it as a technique to ward off nausea. He was thankful that he had always had a keen sense in deciphering nonverbal cues (because Neji was prone to a lot of those, unwell or not.)
Neji's mouth opened as his hand raised, signaling that he was trying to say something even though no sound came out for a second. When he was able to speak what he said definitely didn't put Shikamaru at ease.
"I.. do not feel well."
"I can see that," Shikamaru said, though his tone was surprised. His brows shot up and he glanced around them, trying to make out.. anything. He squinted, irritated. This place was such a pain in the ass.
"I know it would be troublesome, but maybe we should stay in Kiri for the night. Better than you getting-"
Any interruption short of an ambush would have been slightly more welcome than Neji throwing up, but here they were. Luckily he had only made it a total of about three feet (Shikamaru wasn't even sure where he had been trying to go,) before he was on his knees. He wasn't hard to find.
"Sick," he finished the statement for no real reason other than maybe to give a metaphorical middle finger to the universe. Damn its irony. But he didn't have time to fixate on that now. A troublesome altercation on the way to Kiri had snapped Neji's hair tie, and because that was the worst of the damage done, it had gone mostly unnoticed. Now though, Neji was trying to hold all of his hair back with one hand, the other digging into the condensation-saturated dirt. With no thought needed, Shikamaru let down his own hair and pulled Neji's back, tying it up clumsily but meaningfully. He didn't really know what to do or say after that. He went to rub the Hyuga's back (that was something you did to comfort an ill person, he was fairly sure,) but it felt odd to do so, so it turned into him lightly patting his back instead. That also felt awkward and not all that helpful, so he stopped doing that, too, and instead chose to be of comfort by just being by his side.
After a few long minutes, Neji seemed to be recovering a little bit. He slumped back, resting his weight on his arms. If it were possible for Neji to look any more pale than he normally did, well, he definitely did. Shikamaru handed him an open water bottle and Neji accepted it gratefully. He sipped at it, and while even expressions could be hard to make out without a little extra effort out here in the mist, Shikamaru could tell how pensive Neji's was. He knew he was weighing pros and cons of different options, wanting to plan a course of action that would be both helpful to his wellbeing and not detrimental to their travel time or their nerves. While appreciative that Neji would think of him during a time like this, Shikamaru was much more concerned with his health.
"Don't think too hard about something that can't be helped, Neji," Shikamaru said, scratching his head. He wasn't used to his hair being down like this. "It makes sense for you to be exhausted. The fact that you even have any chakra left is kind of impressive on its own."
Neji chuckled, though unhappily. It wasn't hard to tell just how bad Neji was starting to feel. Shikamaru only sort of picked up on it earlier in the day. He had just had this air about him occasionally that hinted he may have been feeling a little under the weather. But Neji had been actively and obviously trying to push it down and ignore it, and Shikamaru hadn't wanted to patronize him. And while it had probably been easier when a clear goal had been in their reach, now all they had to look forward to was a long, tiring journey, and Neji's body didn't seem quite up for that challenge at the moment. He rubbed his eyes, blinking rapidly, and Shikamaru know his vision was probably blurring.
"What do you want to do?" Neji asked, his thumb and middle finger rubbing the corners of his eyes.
With a tiny noise of contemplation, Shikamaru began weighing their options. They were a little ways away from the village now and going back would be a drag. Plus he wasn't sure Neji's body was up for carrying him too far at the moment. That cancelled out the idea of trekking any further, as well. So what was left?
Suddenly he stood, offering a hand to Neji. The older shinobi gave him a curious look but accepted the help, standing on slightly shaky legs. Neither of them had realized just how much his body did not want to cooperate. He tried to stand on his own but his legs nearly gave out. His chakra was running pathetically low and nothing would replenish it but rest. Shikamaru held onto his hand tightly, helping him hobble a few steps before he concluded this wouldn't do and had him wrap his arm around his shoulders instead. Neji made no fuss and asked no questions. Shikamaru figured he was just too tired to.
Shikamaru carried them both off the path as far as he thought was necessary before he gently deposited Neji on the ground against a tree, where he dropped his head back and let his eyes slip shut. Shikamaru let him start to drift off as he rummaged through their things, trying to set up a suitable little area for him to lie down comfortably for a bit.
"Lie down," he voiced once he was somewhat satisfied with his handiwork. Neji obeyed without question, feeling his way with his hands and Shikamaru's help. He didn't even bother opening his eyes to do so, so Shikamaru knew how far gone he was. When he curled up on the sleeping bag that had been laid out for him, Shikamaru covered him up and patted his shoulder.
"Rest. You need it."
Neji didn't need to be told twice, it seemed. He was out almost immediately. With a sigh, Shikamaru sat down beside him and leaned up against the tree, staring off into the distance and letting his eyes make out random shapes in the mist before he realized he didn't need to start feeling paranoid while he kept watch. Sighing again, he shut his eyes but focused on busying his mind. He was exhausted too, but he knew he wasn't nearly as exhausted as Neji was. However long Neji was out, however long he needed to be okay again, Shikamaru would stand guard. Peaking one eye open, he stared down at Neji, not being able to make out much more than his long, dark brown hair. It ate at him that he had started feeling so drawn to him. It was a feeling he was having trouble placing, but he smiled despite himself.
He fell back on an old technique they were taught in the academy for successfully keeping watch in situations like these: recall a certain memory and replay it in your mind, paying extra attention to detail and immersing yourself in thoughts as vivid as you could manage to reminiscence. Simple, time consuming, and could be used for either relaxation or emotional regulation training depending on how one chose to go about it.
Only once, though, did Shikamaru ever purposely try to take himself back to that mission. He clenched his eyes shut tighter, denying the urge to look down at Neji again because he could feel the familiar guilt bubbling up and he knew better than to entertain it.
Instead he chose random memories from his childhood, to meeting his best friend to getting into trouble in the academy to that time he got scolded by his mother for falling asleep during a test. Somewhere down the line, though, his memories shifted to more recent ones- to ones of Neji and all the time Shikamaru had been spending with him. He didn't realize when he had started and didn't make much of an effort to stop the thoughts once they were there. Where could the harm be?
The harm, as it turned out, lied in the way it invoked a feeling of giddiness that he wasn't used to feeling. The Hyuga was just nice to be around. A couple years ago Shikamaru couldn't imagine thinking so, but how could Neji not grow on him with all the time they had spent together? That's how friendship worked.
He just wanted it to feel normal, but there were more confusing feelings just below the surface that he knew he didn't typically feel towards his friends. And as much as he wanted to lie to himself about them, he wasn't stupid. Suppressing it was the name of the game now, it seemed, because he wasn't going to fool himself into thinking any part of this situation would play out in his favor. He wasn't sure what he himself was; labels weren't really an interest of his. But he was sure that Neji would not be interested, and it's not like he was looking for anything anyway. And he probably wouldn't be for a long time.
Repression was just part of being a shinobi. Shikamaru really couldn't rationalize fretting about it too much.
From there Shikamaru's mind wandered every which way. Not all of them revolved around Neji but truth be told a good number of them did. He had completely lost track of time, numbed to the hours passing, when finally Neji was coming to beside him. He felt the shifting to his side and looked down, slowing opening his tired eyes. The mist was heavier than he remembered it being, but given the lack of space between them, Shikamaru could make out tired opal eyes blinking away sleep. He smiled.
"He finally wakes up," he mused teasingly. Neji's brow creased in discontent as he hoisted himself up into a sitting position, glancing around.
"How long have we been here?"
"Uhh," Shikamaru pretended to think, genuinely curious himself, "I lost track of time a while ago, to be honest with you."
Neji's expression softened. "I'm sorry."
Shikamaru dismissed his apology with a wave of the hand, "Don't be. I could tell how bad you felt. All that matters is how you're feeling now."
Sitting up, Neji rolled his shoulders, successfully popping both of them, then his neck. "I feel almost back to normal," he answered, sounding satisfied.
"Good," Shikamaru yawned, standing and offering a hand to Neji to help him up. Neji was able to get back on his feet, but he seemed hesitant.
"Are you alright?" he asked. Shikamaru answered in the affirmative but another yawn followed which didn't seem to leave the Hyuga feeling too convinced, "We don't have to keep going yet. You need to rest, too."
"We've barely made it away from the village," Shikamaru reminded him, "We didn't get far. We should probably push at least a little further." He could tell Neji was unconvinced so he softened his heavy eyes and gave the most reassuring smile he could muster, "I'll be fine. Trust me."
Even to himself, Shikamaru would deny that the smile Neji gave in return filled him with warmth.
The thoughts he had entertained while Neji was asleep weighed heavily on his mind now that his muse was awake. Shikamaru was thankful he could use his obvious fatigue as an excuse to not hold any extended conversation. But he knew better than to assume that was the end of it. They still had a long journey ahead of them with no company but each other.
Comfortable silence was only comfortable for so long.
Eventually though, their conversation picked up and resumed as normal. Shikamaru was able to push it all to the back of his mind and carry on like he wasn't feeling any type of way. He was relieved when night fell, though, knowing it was almost time to settle down for the night. He believed sleep would ease him. It was an uncommon predicament for him, having a problem but not an answer in sight. It was frustrating.
What good was being a genius if you still couldn't find the secret to turning off all those pesky, unwanted emotions?
Despite his growing desire to stop and rest, Neji was the one who decided they had trekked far enough for the night. Still relying on him to be his eyes in the heavy mist, Shikamaru had stayed close and stopped when he stopped. "Is here good?" He felt the weight of Neji's backpack falling by his feet, though, and knew his answer might be irrelevant at this point. The hours Neji slept were all well and good, helpful in their own regard, but a few hours may as well have equated to a few minutes after the longwinded physical stress this mission had put him under.
Shikamaru couldn't particularly make out much. They were in a somewhat open space, big enough to set up their tent, and that was about all he could tell. Neji could see where they were, though, and Shikamaru trusted he knew what he was doing, so he didn't question him.
"Here's good."
The stress of sleep-deprivation was starting to become more troublesome to Shikamaru than the puppy love bullshit he couldn't get out of his brain. Good, he thought. Tired was an emotion that he was very accustomed to. Tired was easy.
"Give me a minute. I'll have the tent set up."
Shikamaru didn't object. He'd help if he could see, but nightfall had changed wishful thinking into a full-blown lost cause. He could barely make out his own hands in front of his face now. He didn't think Neji was too fed up with his uselessness yet, though, which was comforting. So he plopped down on the damp ground, grimacing as he did so. The moisture seeped through his clothes and his only solace was knowing his clothes had been stained with far worse. There had been no bloodshed thus far so Shikamaru was counting his blessings. It was a minor bother. What bothered him more was the decision Neji voiced aloud while setting up their sleeping arrangement.
"I'll take first watch."
Shikamaru furrowed his brows and frowned in the direction of the voice. When he heard Neji snicker he remembered Neji could see the expression he was making so he let it fall. It was weird to Shikamaru, the way he was willing to give up sleep for the Hyuga. Sure, there was the obvious reason that navigating in the morning rested solely on Neji's shoulders and if he wasn't well rested they were well and truly fucked. But that hadn't been the reason why Shikamaru reacted, and he felt foolish trying to lie to himself and say that it had been.
When Neji spoke again, his tone was more serious, eager to convince, "I've already taken my break. You're just as vital to this mission's success as I am."
Shikamaru almost snorted.
"You can't function on any less sleep than you're already getting."
"I beg to differ," Shikamaru joked. He couldn't see Neji's eyes but he could feel them and he knew the look was one of judgement. He laughed. "Alright. You win."
He heard the zipper of the tent and what sounded like Neji crawling inside, then a hand tapping on the floor of it, "All set."
Making a face, Shikamaru positioned himself on his hands and knees and started crawling, knowing the tent was a foot or two away at most. The moist ground felt disgusting and he knew he looked silly, and when he heard Neji laugh his face darkened.
"Is this funny to you?"
"A little bit, yes," Neji admitted, not even trying to mask the amusement in his tone.
"The things you find funny, I swear," Shikamaru huffed, "You should really work on your sense of humor."
"That's hilarious coming from you, you know," Neji quipped back, reaching out and startling Shikamaru when he grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer to his destination, having apparently grown bored of watching him struggle.
"Hilarious, huh? See, you're just proving my point."
This was just sleep deprived banter, they both knew it. But it was lighthearted and it felt right, and once he was in the tent and had it zipped up he could almost see properly again and the first thing he saw was Neji's smile. He wasn't expecting it and it made his heart pound so hard his chest physically ached. Though he knew it impossible, for a split second he worried Neji could hear it.
He had kept this growing affection he felt towards the other bound and locked up so well for the last few days. Why was the universe against him all of a sudden? He was tired of battling with it, and he was starting to worry it was a tired that sleep couldn't fix anymore.
There was a tired sleep could fix, though, and with a yawn Shikamaru was starting to succumb to it. He laid out his sleeping bag, but instead of getting into it he just laid face down on it.
"Shikamaru," Neji said incredulously. Shikamaru tried to wave him off dismissively but in truth just flapped his hand melodramatically in his general direction. Neji laughed.
"Get in your sleeping bag and get some rest," he instructed, and without much thought Shikamaru huffed and obeyed. Tsking, Neji said, "So dramatic. I'm looking out for you, you know."
Shikamaru wondered whether he had ever fallen asleep with a smile on his face before as he did just that.
He awoke hours lately, warmer than when he had fallen asleep and feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. It took him a few seconds to remember he was in tent in foreign territory. Slowly he sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking around. He knew right away Neji was surely sitting right outside the tent, standing guard. His unkept emotions whispered about how Neji was doing so caringly, as if it wasn't just a common, expected practice to protect your comrades. Rolling his eyes at himself, he sat there for a good five minutes thinking about how tired he still was before he found the motivation to relieve Neji of his duties so he could get some much-needed rest as well. He quietly unzipped the tent and crawled an inch or two until he could peak his head out to look at his teammate. With his eyes better rested, he could see a bit better. It wasn't much, but it was something. It was enough for his eyes to feel blessed.
Sitting there, bundled up with his hair pulled back, looking tired but alert, was Neji in all his post-midnight glory.
They met eyes and smiled tiredly at one another, and perhaps held that contact for a bit too long. A very intense, almost magnetic aura was crackling between them almost immediately. Even in the dark, foggy wasteland that was the outskirts of Kiri, there was something riveting about this moment. A spark of something neither were familiar with. Shikamaru stared out into nothingness and Neji's eyes followed. He knew Neji could see everything he couldn't, and for some reason that fascinated the Nara's drowsy senses. When Neji turned those eyes back on him, he felt like a deer caught in headlights.
The silence was intense and suffocating, but also enthralling. It was like all the extended time they had spent together had been building up to this without either of them being any the wiser, thoroughly blind sighting them both. It felt like a punch in the gut but in a good way, if there were such a thing.
(Or was it just him? That was what Shikamaru feared.)
He never did figure out who leaned in first, but he would be telling himself for weeks afterwards that it had been his own hastiness to blame. Neji's lips were as soft as his hair where Shikamaru's fingers had woven themselves into without thought. He could feel the clumsiness of his own chapped lips but let the thought pass, losing himself in the rush of intimacy. (Shinobi were all too familiar with he concept of death, but was this what being alive felt like?)
It felt like both seconds and minutes had passed in the same time span and he couldn't be sure how long it had actually lasted. He didn't know who had pulled away first but both possibilities left him with a lump in his throat. Ultimately, regardless of who was to blame, when they were separated and looking each other dead in the eye, neither of them had the courage to break the silence. With mouths ajar and eyes blinking in shock and confusion, the silence surely lasted longer than the kiss did.
Breathlessly, Neji swiped his thumb over his lip after a long moment and exhaled a breath that almost sounded like a laugh. Shikamaru mirrored this response without meaning to and looked away, only to look back a second later to see Neji looking right at him. It shook him to his very core trying to decipher what emotion he saw in his eyes. Neji was trying to get words out, but he only managed to mouth the word what before cutting himself off, looking away and staring off into the distance.
Questioning his life choices, Shikamaru was sure, probably wondering how to make it clear that that was never to happen ever again.
Despite looking directly at him Shikamaru had spaced out and didn't realize his gaze was being met until Neji spoke his name. Despite trying to reign in his emotions, he was visibly startled by the sound of it coming out of a mouth that had just been against his own.
"There has been something unspoken between us for a little while now," Neji told him, "I tried not to jump to conclusions, but I…" He paused. He was obviously trying to compose himself, leaving Shikamaru bracing himself for bad news. When it didn't come, though, and when Neji laughed softly (and nervously, if he dared say so) Shikamaru only felt more shaken, more confused.
"I thought I was losing my mind, thinking there was something between us," Neji said, and Shikamaru couldn't say he had ever seen the Hyuga in such a state of self-consciousness or hesitancy before, "But you felt it, too."
Shikamaru let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. Almost gasped it out, in fact. In milliseconds it felt like the entire weight of the world had lifted off of his shoulders and he felt like the anxiety was quite literally deflating his body. His shoulders untensed and he tilted his head to the side, nervous laughter once again bubbling to the surface. He opened his mouth to speak but froze, failing to find words to properly describe how he was feeling. He probably looked ridiculous and god he couldn't remember the last time he had actually blushed over anything but Neji's eyes intently watching him was like fuel to a fire.
"I thought I was going crazy," he finally managed to say, rubbing the back of his neck. Neji didn't respond and it didn't take long for Shikamaru to realize he was staring at his lips. Upon realizing he had been caught, Neji's eyes trailed up to look him in the eye, but drifted back down quickly, unable to push what was on his mind back out.
"Don't make me ask you to," Neji said. There was a hint of authority in his tone that really cemented Shikamaru's inability to ponder consequence.
Grabbing Neji's shirt to pull him back in wasn't a conscious decision, either. Neji didn't seem to have any complaints, though, as he placed a hand on the back of his neck and deepened the kiss. Shikamaru felt all of those pent-up emotions he had been wrestling with melt away under Neji's touch. It was such an overwhelming sense of warmth Neji was instilling in him. Foreign, thrilling and not at all a feeling Shikamaru expected to receive from Neji Hyuga of all people.
This time it was for sure Neji who pulled away first. He laid his head in the crook of Shikamaru's neck but didn't let go of him. At first Shikamaru was concerned that the confusing emotions they were both being bombarded with tonight might have been overwhelming the Hyuga, until he realized it was god knows when at night and Neji was probably dying to switch shifts and get some sleep.
"Hey," he murmured, wiggling to shake Neji into sitting up. Raising his head, Neji blinked his tired eyes and smiled unsurely, brows creased. Something unsaid hung in the air between them. Shikamaru knew exactly what was on his mind, too.
When the sun comes up, are we going to pretend this never happened, or…?
"We'll talk," Shikamaru assured him, "Tomorrow. Sleep."
Under his urgings, Neji conceded. They shared nothing more than a long look into one another's eyes before Neji crawled into the tent and almost immediately collapsed. Shikamaru took his previous spot to take watch but couldn't help but glance back into the tent about three minutes later to find Neji already passed out.
Shikamaru would spend the remainder of the night trying to ignore the gnawing suspicion that this whole thing had been born out of Neji's sleep deprived state.
It was barely five hours until the sun rose enough over the horizon that Shikamaru started to contemplate waking his comrade. They would need to pack up and head out soon.
He peeked into the tent to see Neji already stretching himself conscious. Without thought he crawled in. Neji opened one eye mid-yawn to watch him do so. The first few seconds of eye contact after that were admittedly a bit awkward, but the foggy sunlight streaming in through the unzipped tent highlighted the positive. Neji looked absolutely gorgeous in the early morning light.
"Man," Shikamaru chuckled suddenly, shaking his head, "What are we getting ourselves into?" Neji didn't need to ask for clarification, already on the same page and replying without missing a beat.
"I thought we were supposed to be geniuses," he scoffed.
"Guess it could only get us so far, huh?" Shikamaru smirked, rolling up his sleeping bag.
They packed quickly and efficiently and stayed mostly quiet throughout. Shikamaru longed to get going, but only so he could see how much the events from last night had affected their companionship. He yearned to know that their banter hadn't already grown awkward or forced. Thankfully, their repartee begun again before they even left their campsite.
The only difference was the added layer of obvious flirting.
"You've gotta get more sleep tonight," Shikamaru said "I swear, your self-care has been lacking on this mission. Stop worrying about me so much."
"Take better care of myself or what? You'll kiss me again?"
"I mean, if that's the only excuse I've got."
"Do you really think you need one?"
"Ae you telling me I don't?"
Their teasing was good natured but the feelings just below the surface were raging. And every time it seemed like one of them might make some kind of move, they just made another sly comment and successfully beat around the bush for another round in their back and forth. It started off as game, but it quickly grew frustrating.
"Tell me how you really feel," Shikamaru said. It took Neji a moment to realize he wasn't joking.
Silence befell them for a long moment as they both pondered where to go from here. Their steps fell into sync. It was somehow unnerving.
"Is there ever an appropriate time for shinobi to realize they've developed feelings for a comrade?"
Shikamaru couldn't be sure whether Neji was musing on that concept as a whole (and how bad of an idea it tended to be) or still talking specifically about the two of them. So he stayed quiet, kept his hands in his pockets, and just waited for Neji to get through his whole thought process. But he fell silent, too.
It was foolish to be hopeful. Falling in love in this line of work was always, without fail, traumatic in one way or another. Even if your partner came back from every mission unscathed, there would always be that underlying fear that next time they wouldn't be so lucky. Nothing was ever certain; tomorrow was never promised. It was stupid to promise your heart to someone when there was a very real possibility it wouldn't still be beating by nightfall.
Shikamaru didn't typically amuse such dark thoughts, but he had gotten to thinking through the night as Neji slept. They were shinobi, they were soldiers, they were pawns in the bigger picture, and it wasn't morbid to them it just was. This was the plane they existed on.
How could romance fit into a lifestyle like theirs?
Logically, Shikamaru knew that if he lived long enough it was inevitable. It was human nature to love. But he didn't think it would even be a consideration until much later down the road when he had things a little more figured out than he did right now. And the object of his affection being a male from the Hyuga clan also posed its own unique obstacles.
He couldn't deny how he felt about Neji, though. At least not subconsciously.
Subconsciously, he was trying to find a way to keep this going.
"What is your gut instinct telling you to do?" Shikamaru questioned, keeping his eyes trained ahead of them. What little he could make out distracted him from the anxiety burning in this pit of his stomach.
"Is this an interrogation?" Neji seemed almost amused when he asked. Shikamaru wasn't even surprised. The way he was questioning Neji while keeping his own feelings stifled until he got answers might not have been fair.
"Mine is telling me that I'm an idiot," he said. He wanted to stop walking, to face Neji, but he just couldn't, "Because I want this to be something that it probably can't be, and I can't even manage to lie about that."
He heard Neji sigh from beside him and say, "I feel that way, too."
Stupidly, Shikamaru found some sense of delight in his reply.
Despite still being without a solid answer, the knowledge that they were both on the same page eased them both enough so that the next few minutes of silence didn't feel quite as heavy. It stretched out, and eventually Shikamaru couldn't help but to break the silence and the seriousness.
"This is such a drag. And it's your fault."
"Don't start with that," Neji scolded lightheartedly. Shikamaru knew he was referring to his usual word play.
"I don't want to hear it. You know just what kind of pain in the ass I am. You chose this."
"I wouldn't say I chose this," Neji said, glancing at him, "But that's not to say I wouldn't."
(Shikamaru never would have pinned Neji as the smooth type but he was surprising him more and more every day.)
Trying to keep his expression neutral, Shikamaru said, "I say… We let whatever this is run its course. And if we haven't figured things out by the time we get back to the village, that's a problem for then."
"Typical," Neji chuckled, "Putting even this off for a later date."
"Yeah, you ready to commit to dealing with something like that every day?" Shikamaru couldn't help but to smile. He was filled to the brim with a lot of very weird emotions right now and he didn't know what to do with any of them. His chest ached with a sort of excitement he wasn't sure he had ever experienced in his life.
"I guess we'll find out."