Resolve
Something's got ahold of me. I can't get free. Whether due to inability or willingness, I don't know. Something's got ahold of me. I can't shake it. I feel...I feel.. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
The air was brimming with life.
Birdsong carried on the early morning breeze, drifting over the dawn horizon. It was a light and harmonious affair – a delightful medley of high chirps and sharp whistles that sang clearly throughout the treetops in a merry chorus, serving as a pleasant accompaniment to the clear sky.
The sun was settled snugly in the sky like a kit buried in the warm crook of its mother's embrace. Below warriors were peacefully sharing tongues under the soft rays, exchanging small talk. Elsewhere the elders sat huddled together outside the mouth of their den being tended to by apprentices. There were four of them in all, nipping and tugging ticks from their fur, as the seasoned cats carried on with tales from the past.
A hunting party had just slipped its way in from the gorse tunnel laden with catches. Scores of captured prey were stacked upon each other on the freshkill pile so high that it resembled a spire. Off to the side a mossball sailed through the air with an array of young voices trailing after it.
"Take that!"
"Too slow, badger paws!"
"Get back here and fight like a warrior, you foxheart!"
Redpaw sat watching near the outskirts of the nursery as the kits played. Their jubilant cries and taunts intermixed together as they fought and tussled, each attempting to usurp the other from power in their imaginary struggle for leadership. The objective of the game was simple: the cat that could stay in control of the mossball the longest would be bestowed claim to the title of leader of their group.
A tiny smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. The scene had a nostalgic tinge to it, though he couldn't quite place why.
Watching them all was infectious. This sense of genuine content permeating from their very pelts fixated him. He wanted to be a part of it. The desire to indulge in this wave of community propelled his body into action.
Redpaw stepped forward only to find his way suddenly barred. A barrier of bramble lie between he and the rest of the Clan. It snared itself wide and twisted, pervading the interior of the BoulderClan camp in a congested horde of barbed vines. He could only look on from afar, isolated and sectioned off to his small corner of the world.
He called out. No one reacted. Not the slightest twitch or hint of acknowledgment. He called out again. The Clan continued about their blissful lives none the wiser. Redpaw reared back his head, inhaling deeply, in an effort to possibly screech loud enough that it would slip through to them somehow.
"It's no use. They can't or rather won't hear you."
He paused mid-breath, halting to glance over to his right. Overlooking him from the side of the bramble was a towering young tabby. Like him the tom appeared to be imprisoned by a wall of brambles, despite his sheer size and how his head hung over the side.
Their gazes made contact. His eyes were normal, plain even. Much different from the cat the tabby reminded Redpaw of. Who was that again? Looking at the tom the name was on the tip of his tongue, but when he went searching for it the name vanished.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Me?" the tom replied. "I'm like you – a BoulderClan cat and trapped."
Trapped? Redpaw eyed the tom skeptically. If he actually wanted to it was very apparent the cat could leap the wall in a single bound, freeing himself.
"But that's not true," he argued. "I mean just look at you. You could easily clear those bramble and be with the rest of them any moment you wanted."
Surveying the actual height of the wall separating the two of them, the more evident it proved to be true. The tabby was no more trapped there than a bird was to a tree. If it was him Redpaw would've already made his escape.
The tabby was slow to respond. "I could."
"Then why haven't you? Jump over right now. It'd be so easy for –."
"Don't assume to know the intentions or wants of others!" the tabby suddenly growled. He glowered spitefully at Redpaw, eyes smoldering. "Cats do and say things for a multitude of reasons. It's not your place to think you know better."
Redpaw's ears shot back flat against his head. He hadn't anticipated such a gruff response. The tabby's expression had darkened considerably, indicating Redpaw's questioning clearly hadn't sat well. The ginger apprentice wasn't feeling particular at ease either. Why would someone choose to be alone? It was difficult to fathom.
"Just forget it," the tabby said, turning away with a dismissive snort as if he'd just overheard his thoughts. "I can't make you understand. It's something you'll have to realize on your own."
"Wait!" Redpaw called, racing up to the barricade of bramble. "You're the only one here that can hear me. We can help each other. I –."
A sharp commotion erupting amongst Clan drowned out his voice. Redpaw turned, struggling to peer over the tops of bramble, to a horrific scene. Spilling into the camp, stomping and tearing it apart at will, were hordes upon hordes of twolegs. Cats were snatched and abruptly whisked away into the air, yowling.
It was all around him. Encased and powerless to do anything, Redpaw could only watch on in stunned horror as Clanmate after Clanmate were pulled away into the darkness. One after the other they went until the only left surrounding him in the devastated remains of his home were the terrified cries of the unknown.
Something's got ahold of me. I was in a void immersed in yowls. It was positively anguished in tone, echoing this hauntingly piercing sound vivid as the visage of a queen mourning over the death of a lost litter. I was petrified, drifting in and out of a wakened state, darting sightlessly for the source.
The air was suffused with wailing.
Somewhere around – somewhere very nearby, a cat was crying out in anguish. It was a torturous sound, one exuding such a severe degree of heartbreak and sorrow that he blindingly reached out towards it, grasping at emptiness.
Almost appearing to detect his frantic attempts at contact the wail intensified, augmenting in scale to sheer hysteric levels of dismay. It incited him to struggle further, a frightened sense of desperation fueling his attempts as he clawed out at the stark nothingness, but to no avail. He couldn't reach them wherever they were. All he perceived was darkness, impenetrable and cloying to the senses.
It engulfed him and he felt himself let go, drifting along, floating through the expanse of ether with a thudding sensation of finality. In that lapse of perceived eternity, he thought his existence extinguished in the midst of stark nothingness when something familiar pierced through.
"Relax, it's just the wind."
Groggily, Redpaw cracked open a bleary eye, his vision catching snippets of some sort of roof over his head. "Whe-re am I?" he croaked out, slurring.
His tongue felt foreign in his own mouth, making it awkward to properly formulate words. Upon further investigation, every part of his body from the tip of his tail to the very tips of his ears ached with pain. There wasn't a part of him that didn't feel stiff. A harking cough shook him then, and Redpaw felt a rattle in his chest. Suddenly, he found himself awash in a flood of malaise.
"Oooh," he groaned. Somehow all his strength felt as though it'd been greedily sapped away, like a ravenous leech had latched onto him. Where was all his energy? What was happening to him?
Something soft and warm pressed into his side. "Don't try and make any sudden movements, Redpaw," a soothing voice slid over him. It was light and airy, which he found surprisingly carried significant weight behind it. "You're in the medicine den right now. You were found out in the wilderness during a storm and rescued."
Part of him dimly registered the medicine cat's words. His focus was fractured, partially following Fernleaf, the other intercepting the wailing of the wind. It appeared to increase in velocity, shifting to a howling chorus of tortured yowls now. Redpaw shook uncontrollably, shivers splintering across his body like tremors.
"A-are you sure that's the wind?"
"Positive," Fernleaf gently replied. "Why, what do you hear?"
"Pain," he murmured through clenched fangs tightly, as if in agony himself. "So many cats in pain. I can't relax. I can't think of anything else except-."
A barrage of sharp coughs erupted from his mouth, filling the den. They bounced off of the interior of walls in tandem, creating a momentary chamber of echoes. Wheezing now, Redpaw was starting to feel a slight pressure begin to form and push against the sides of his temples. This was beyond awful. He felt absolutely haggard.
A sharp intake of mint abruptly sliced through the pain. It flooded his nose, overriding the dominating pressure bearing down on him long enough to focus. For one sparkling moment of clarity he was in control.
"Take this," Fernleaf said.
She lie crouched at his side, nudging a small portion of herbs underneath his nose. He readily lapped them up. With a single swallow they went down free of resistance. For just a bit the wind seemed to lessen some.
"That's a mixed concoction of catmint and poppy seeds. One to help with your fever and cold, the other for sleep. I want you to try your best to just relax and rest now. There are no cats in pain, I promise you. You should know I wouldn't allow something like that to occur on my watch, anyway."
Redpaw felt a lick against his ear then, one with warmth and affection behind it. It was a faintly familiar sensation. Searching his memories for some sort of word to place the feeling, he eventually settled on motherly.
"I won't pretend to know about everything you've been through lately," she mewed softly. "I rarely if ever voice my opinion on Clan matters; but I do have ears. And I hear more than most cats probably think I do. My position has always afforded me leeway in being able to heal and aid indiscriminately. Because of it I've never felt or seen any reason to treat others differently. I know it might be difficult for you to see at the present time, but I want you to know that, regardless of everything, there are cats here who care for your well-being."
Fernleaf leaned forward, gently pressing her nose against the top of his head. With that parting remark and action she turned to go, slowly padding away into another section of the den. Redpaw felt his eyelids began to droop, blinking once with a yawn, before completely blacking out afterwards.
Something's got ahold of me. I slipped into a fitful sleep afterwards, constantly drifting in and out of consciousness. Days flew by in-between snippets of incoherent noise intertwined with flashes of random images. On a few occasions some might've even involved my mother.
The air was buzzing with a smattering of voices.
"I only ask out of concern."
"Yes, I understand. I'm doing my best to head off any illnesses before things become too dire."
"How're you on supplies then? I can send a search party out if need be."
"I'd advise against it. I won't risk the health of our cats."
"Are you sure?"
"Don't worry. I'll make do somehow."
That was Fernleaf speaking. Even through the haze of his dulled senses she was instantly recognizable. With a bit more of work he was able to vaguely acknowledged the other voice belonging to Crowstar. From the sounds of it the two seemed to be talking near the mouth of the den.
"How're our two cats doing?" Crowstar's urbane tone carried.
"Brackentail hasn't fared well. Limited as he is now the whitecough ensnared him pretty quickly. I've done all I can to stave off the possibility of greencough, but he's shown little to no improvement."
A heavy silence followed the exchange.
"And Redpaw?" he heard Crowstar ask after a while.
"He's been restless – plagued by nightmares and coughing fits. I –" there was hesitation in her voice. Something quite uncharacteristic of the usually poised medicine cat. "I'm worried about him. He –"
A harking cough suddenly shot loose from his throat, drowning out Fernleaf's next words. His chest constricted tighter and tighter with each one that rattle out of his mouth. Through the floor he could feel and hear the tapping of urgent pawsteps heading his way.
Fernleaf materialized at his side, alert and practiced paws already tracing up and down his flank. She placed a paw and ear on his chest, listening intently.
"You're congested badly. Sit tight, I should have something in my stores to help lessen it."
She drifted out of his eyesight only to return moments later, carrying herbs. There was some shuffling as she ground the herbs up into a poultice before offering it to him. As before he accepted the mixture without complaint, swallowing it whole within seconds. It left behind a faint earthy aftertaste.
Fernleaf had him hold open his mouth afterwards so she could look down his throat. Next she checked his eyes and then pressed her nose against his flank, measuring his body temperature.
"Sorry for worrying you," he rasped out.
There was a sharp intake of air from Fernleaf. Although her face was obscured, he felt her body stiffen next to him. An overflowing flood of guilt came pooling from the medicine cat's pelt then.
Her response was a simple, "You heard."
"I'm sorry."
Fernleaf padded into view, hovering slightly above him. "Why are you apologizing?" she said softly. "It's my job to worry about you, silly." She brushed a paw across his head, slightly ruffling his fur. "I'm sorry if I made you feel as if you were burdening me. I only spoke out that way because I care. I care about the entirety of the Clan, as well as you – especially you."
Especially him? Even as muddled and sluggish as he was that remark left a strong impression.
"Crowstar, Hollypaw, and Sagepaw all send you their well wishes," Fernleaf said. "Oakclaw as well."
"Oakclaw?" he mewed, sounding slightly surprised.
"Yes, he left a special message just for you actually. 'Let your resolve be as strong as Cedarshade's was'.
Surprise rippled across his pelt. He'd mentioned Cedarshade by name?
"He really said that?"
"He did and I happen to agree with him. Cedarshade was steadfast and staunch in her belief. She didn't allow anything or anyone to deter her. And while it wasn't long, for the amount of time Cedarshade was able to spend with you, she smiled every single day. It was clear you were her pride and joy."
Hearing Fernleaf's words intermixed with Oakclaw's unearthed something within him. It was a longing, one he hadn't felt in quite some time. A thirst, a desire to connect more to the memory of the she-cat who'd given birth to him.
"Did...did you know her well?" he hesitantly asked in a hoarse like whisper.
His voice had been parched and cracked from the constant coughing, making it painful to speak for extended lengths of time.
"She was a bit older than me, but yes I suppose I did. She was a close friend and I admired her greatly. I owe a lot of my confidence as a medicine cat to her. I got encouragement and reassurance from her when I couldn't muster it up for myself. I see a lot of her in you, as well as a certain self-conscious apprentice from that time. We all want you to get better, so fight. Find your resolve and fight."
Fernleaf carefully inspected his nest then to ensue his comfort would be optimal before rising to depart. "I'll just be checking on Brackentail if you need anything. Please remember what I said before, Redpaw, and please try to get some rest."
Something's got ahold of me. Nights drew longer as days were reduced to a spec of light within whirling hailstorms. Despite the constant encouragement and watchful care by Fernleaf, I only seemed to grow worse in my condition. She wouldn't come outright and say it, but I'd heard enough tales to know what came after whitecough.
The air was filled with alarm.
Pawsteps pounded throughout the medicine den, awakening Redpaw. Something was wrong. There was a different cadence and rhythm to Fernleaf's steps than he was used to. They sounded urgent.
Rummaging could be heard echoing from within the stores. Frenetic scrambling morphed into frantic steps as Redpaw briefly caught glimpse of Fernleaf's parting form. He listened as her pawsteps faded, most likely receding out into the windswept storm of the weather outside.
With her gone now, Redpaw was left to lie alone in the midst of his wretched state. A cloud of deep depression had settled itself over him. He'd been dispirited and sluggish for days. Just swiveling his ears around exerted the finite amount of energy his body had struggled to maintain.
A deep groan similar to that of cracking wood sounded from near the front of the den. Redpaw weakly rose his head just as the groan sounded again. He attempted to peer into the dimness, catching sight of little. Part of him wasn't entirely sure whether or not what he was hearing was accurate or just another exaggeration by addled brain. That'd been happening lately.
"R-re.." His ears perked at that. "Re..Redpaw." Someone was calling him. "Redpaw."
Unsure of what it was that compelled him to do so then, Redpaw slid his legs from underneath himself and made to stand. Almost abruptly his vision swam and he desperately lashed out a foreleg to catch his balance and reorientate himself. Stiff-legged and lightheaded, he painstakingly began trudging his way forward.
Gaunt. It was the first thing that came to mind. Sharp cheekbones, dulled fur, and a limp tail, Brackentail appeared as a skeleton adorned in a coat of fur meant for a cat twice his size. The BoulderClan deputy was hardly recognizable.
"Brackentail?" he ventured out hesitantly.
"Wasn't sure you'd come," a low wheeze slithered from the deputy's half parted mouth.
His leg was tightly bound in a splint of wood and cobweb, lying limp and at a slightly odd angle from the rest of his body. It'd been that way for how long now? Stars, just keeping track of the amount of time that had transpired since originally awakening in the medicine den was hard enough.
"Did you need something? I think Fernleaf just stepped out."
"Yes...I do need something," he wheezed out. "But not from her. I need your help."
Him? He wasn't sure he was following Brackentail's trail of thought. What could he possibly do for him in his state? Before he was even able to muster the energy to ask, Brackentail started fidgeting within his nest, sliding his claws underneath it and then pulling it back to reveal a small bundle of a very familiar herb.
"I need you to take these and put them inside Fernleaf's stores."
It was catmint. Redpaw had taken enough of it by now to recognize it by sight alone.
"Brackentail," he mewed slowly. "Is this the catmint Fernleaf's been feeding you?"
"Would it really matter if it was?"
"Yes, of course it would. This.." a spark went off in his head, "this is why you haven't been getting better, isn't it? You've hid it this entire while. Don't you know how worried you've made Fernleaf?"
"She won't have to for much longer. As long as –" his voice was cut off with a stream of coughing.
Redpaw could only stand there in vain, watching in disbelief at what had become of the once proud and mighty warrior. He was viewing a shell.
"Brackentail, I have to tell Fernleaf about this," he said. "You won't make it out of Leafbare otherwise."
The wheezing warrior was able to stifle his coughing long enough to rasp back, "I never had the intention of doing so."
Alarm blared in Redpaw's chest at that.
"What about Sagepaw?" he asked.
Surely his own son would mean enough for him to keep going.
"Who do you think I'm doing this for? I want what's best for everyone. You don't know what I've seen Fernleaf actually endure. She coddles you back there, but up here, and outside these walls she's struggling to keep it all together. More cats have been falling ill," he revealed. "Enough that they've had to turn the elders den into a temporary holding for the sick. That's where Fernleaf just ran off to now. She doesn't have the supplies necessary to fend off something like this."
Redpaw suddenly felt disgusted with himself. He hadn't known. All this time, through that kind demeanor and gentle, Fernleaf had been fighting a two sided war all alone. How much time and stock had she squandered just tending to him?
Brackentail pushed the catmint towards him. "Take them," he insisted.
"I – I can't."
"You have to," he wheezed. "I won't take herbs better suited for cats that still have a life ahead of them. Doesn't Oakclaw talk about stuff like this? There can be no hindrance to the survival of the Clan, and all that? Well, I'm giving you the chance to remove one now."
"Don't you understand what you're asking me to do?" Redpaw responded, pleading.
This wasn't some simple task. He was basically asking him to help aid in his own death. Didn't he realize the kind of effect it would cause?
"The only thing you need to do is take this catmint and stay silent," Brackentail said. "Place it somewhere Fernleaf can find and act surprised. Everything will take care of itself from there. You want to help Oakclaw, don't you? You want to be useful, right? He'll become deputy after I'm gone. It's a given. Support him. You already admire him and so does a large portion of the Clan. Officially putting him in the position most of the Clan already believe he deserves will help lead them to a more secure future."
He stared into the hollow eyes of Brackentail for a long time. Why him? He was just an apprentice. This wasn't something either of them of could take back. Fighting the urge to retch right there on the spot, Redpaw swallowed his resolve and then shakily bent down to clasp the catmint in his quivering mouth.
This is for Oakclaw, he kept telling himself. This is for Oakclaw, the Clan, and Fernleaf. They're better off without Brackentail in his current condition. They have to move on. This sort of change was necessary for their survival.
Brackentail let loose a relieved sighed that sounded like two bones knocking together. He gave Redpaw a slow thankful nod.
"You're young and dedicated, Redpaw. I've seen it. BoulderClan is going to need cats like you to sustain the present to guarantee our future. Forgive me for forcing this immense burden upon you. Sadly, to benefit others, sometimes sacrifices are a necessary evil."
Something's got ahold of me. That same night I willed myself to get better. With every ounce and fiber of my being I dearly grasped for the light of recovery. I had to now after what we'd just done. Brackentail's sacrifice could not be for naught. A few days past in relative quiet until it finally came.
The air was silent.
It was the sort of unnerving silence that came with the absence of something. He didn't have to wonder. It was unmistakable. Where once there'd resided a weight in the camp was now vacant and gone.
He said nothing. He did nothing. Curled into a tight ball in his nest, he bared the entire silence. At some point within the silence he felt Fernleaf's soft gaze fall upon his back.
"Redpaw?"
He kept his head tucked and buried, not reacting. The sorrow in her tone was palpable. It was more than enough for him to get the message. Some thing's were better left unsaid. This was such a moment. His body began to shake and he didn't try to hide the fact.
At once he was enveloped in the warmth of another body and Fernleaf gentle tone washed over. "It's okay. I know, I know."
But she didn't. Would she still embrace him this way, knowing the truth? This sort of path wasn't one just any cat could walk alone. Brackentail had done so already, doing what he felt was necessary.
Was this the sort of life cats like him and Oakclaw led? If so he was going to need to be emotionally prepared for this sort of thing in the future. He recalled both their words – Oakclaw's call to find his resolve and Brackentail's final order as deputy to help him. To be what BoulderClan and Oakclaw would need, he had to always do what was necessary. It was the only choice now.
Something's got ahold of me. And its led to me doing something that can't be taken back. I can't shake it. I feel...I don't know...I don't know..I don't know.