Lone
It was the start of my path, fresh and anew. I'd eliminated the last of my misgivings and hang ups over my past to move forward freely. There was just one thing, however, another cat who needed guidance in continuing on unrestrained.
Redpaw dipped his head low to the ground. "Thank you for looking after me."
It'd been some time in the making, but today finally marked the day he was given full clearance to leave the medicine den. After one final checkup by Fernleaf, his return to Clan activities was now official.
The medicine cat drew close, a waft of pine and mint caressing his nose as she did. With a touch light as a feather, Fernleaf used her tail to rise his head. Pride shone in her eyes with a tiny smile playing at her delicate features. It was the look of a cat who couldn't be happier with the sight before them.
"You're very welcome, Redpaw," she said gently. "I'm glad to see you rejoining the Clan."
From the warmth in her tone it was clear that she meant it. Redpaw glanced down to his paws, momentarily sheepish.
"Would it be okay if I came to visit sometimes?" he asked, somewhat hesitantly.
He didn't want to overstay his welcome any longer than he already had. Fernleaf was much too patient and kind of a cat for him to linger around without feeling self-conscious about it. His role in the Clan was meant to be that of an asset, not a leech.
Her smile widened. A gleam of white now shone as her tiny fangs became visible.
"Of course. You're free to come around whenever you want, Redpaw."
A seed took root and bloomed in his chest, hearing that. They had spent much time in close proximity together while he was sick, and having to depend on her had built up a feeling of closeness within him. It was the most familiar thing to a mother's touch he could recall in his mind.
"Feel free to call for me if you ever need an extra paw for anything. I'll come running."
Fernleaf nodded, her expression brightening. "You'll be the first cat I think of then."
Redpaw offered one final dip of the head. Resuming his full height, he flashed Fernleaf an earnest smile and then departed on his way. He exited the medicine den into the Newleaf heat. A flush of warmth seeped into his coat almost instantly–a welcome reintroduction after the harsh chill of Leaf-bare.
He arched his back, soaking in the rays for a moment. It felt good to move and stretch his legs again. Glancing around, his eyes carefully scanned the fairly populated camp, taking special care to remember every single cat by name and pelt that he saw. Personal feelings aside, when he'd left they'd banded together to help look for him, despite the risks.
It was something he wouldn't soon forget, only solidifying further why he needed to do his part and quickly get reacquainted with the daily routine. A few cats talking happened to notice his stare and paused. A lapse of three or more heartbeats must have passed between them until, just slightly, both cats gave him the faintest of nods before resuming speaking.
His eyes widened, fully registering the gesture for what it was. He was tempted to linger on it for just a moment longer, but pushed it away in favor of more pressing matters. There was a cat he needed to report to, and delaying that meeting any longer would reflect poorly on him.
His searching became more focused now, scouring through the variety of pelts as he sought out the familiar sizable form. Having no luck and so moving about, he quickly peeked inside the warriors den, finding it empty of residents. He considered Crowstar's den as a likely place next, but halted instead, deciding to ask around first, inquiring warriors like Swiftstep.
The info he got back was Oacklaw had divvied out orders earlier and then disappeared off into the forest awhile ago. If he wanted to find him that was where to start, so he set off in a hurry. There were numerous places he could be right now. Redpaw felt he had enough of a solid understanding of the tabby now though, where he could reasonably predict Oakclaw's location.
Running, his paws quickly fell into sequence, retracing the path from memory of previous trips. Thoughts of his first trek through these woods resurfaced, recalling of how he'd nearly collapsed from sheer exhaustion. His body wasn't even in a fraction of the hardened shape that it was now. Truly, it really was something of a miracle that he'd managed the whole trip originally, he thought.
Thinning trees around him gave way to a clearing up ahead.
"Oh?" a familiar cheerful voice drew his attention. "I wondered whether you'd show up here, Redpaw."
Just near the outskirts of the clearing stood the new BoulderClan deputy, Oakclaw. From the tone of his voice it seemed as if the light brown tabby had somewhat expected him. Redpaw walked up alongside him.
"Congratulations on the new position," he said, dipping his head.
He hadn't been present for the ceremony and wanted to pay his respects immediately.
Oakclaw smiled, an almost rueful nature to it. "You might be the first cat to say that to me who actually means it." A heartbeat later he was striding casually around the clearing, Redpaw trailing just a few pawlengths behind. "I assume you're all well now?" he asked, directing the conversation.
Redpaw nodded. "Completely healthy. I'm ready to pick right back up where we last left. What's first?"
"Eager, aren't you?" Oakclaw replied, turning to smirk at him. "Well it's good to see. There are a few other cats whose morale aren't as high currently."
"You mean Sagepaw?" he guessed.
"Precisely. With my new position, as you put it, I no longer have the luxury to idle about and keep a close eye on certain things as I once did. I don't suppose you could look into that for me, would you?"
"Of course. I was thinking of talking to him anyway. Is there anything specific you'd like me to do?"
"He's gotten a bit stalled down his path, so maybe provide a slight nudge to help get him moving again. I have a feeling it'll mean more coming from someone like you."
"Someone like me?"
"Sagepaw respects you," Oakclaw remarked casually. "But even more than that you're both of a similar age with one very important thing in common."
Oakclaw suddenly slowed to a halt. Before them Redpaw spied a noticeable mound of dirt with slight imprints of paws scattered across it. It took only a heartbeat for the conversation, location, and mound to connect for him. His expression instantly shifted over into a mask of neutrality while Oakclaw hovered over the mound.
"Remember, Redpaw," he spoke softly. "We're all marching along our individual route. The weight of each step firmly our own. Brackentail did it to the very end without deviation and that should be respected."
A heavy silence settled over them. The tabby bowed his head and out of respect he averted his eyes, giving Oakclaw a moment to himself. He hadn't thought to consider how he of all cats would feel about Brackentail's passing. Despite their bad blood near the end, they'd grown up together, dating back to before the relocation of the camp. While it may be a necessary step forward for everyone, it still didn't erase the bad taste it left behind.
Oakclaw's demeanor resurfaced the image of the lone, solitary back of his on that dark night. 'Support him', countered the words of the departed deputy, echoing in his mind.
Choosing his words carefully, Redpaw said, "I'd like to think he saw you as someone who could best lead the Clan into a secure future. You have the qualities of a leader."
"Oakstar," Oakclaw muttered aloud. He said it slowly, putting explicit emphasis on the star part, as though tasting the texture of it in his mouth before suddenly devolving into a fit of laughter. The tabby hunched over, laughing until he was breathless. "I don't believe it," he gasped out. "It could actually become a reality."
It wasn't the reaction he'd expected, but taking this chance to let Oakclaw know of his dedication wasn't something he'd let slip by.
"It will. I'll help you make it one," he stated.
The laughter ceased at once. Their eyes locked for a heartbeat and an emotion flickered across Oakclaw's. However, he was already turning his head away before Redpaw managed a chance at grasping it.
Recomposed now, Oakclaw stood straight once again. "Crowstar will be wanting me back by now, I expect. We should go."
He nodded his compliance and fell in tandem alongside him.
"Hey, Oakclaw?" he called, as they walking.
"Hm?"
"Would it be okay if I came back here sometimes? To offer my respects and visit Cedar–my mother."
He knew he was making a big request of him here. The entire reason why this area existed as a burial grounds now was loosely related to him via his parentage.
"I don't see why not," Oakclaw replied, surprisingly. "You have just as much of a right to come here as anyone else does. Do as you please."
We reentered the camp where our time together was cut ultimately short. Oakclaw hadn't been joking when saying he no longer had the luxury to idle about. He was instantly intercepted by three separate warriors, each desiring his opinion and order on a selection of different things.
He watched the different warriors vying for Oakclaw's attention. It'd be some time before he got the chance to speak to him again, he realized. The new deputy was doing his part for his fellow Clanmates; it was time he did the same.
He slid his way into the apprentice den for what felt like the first time in over a moon. Was it smaller than he remembered or had he just grown bigger? The den was essentially unoccupied save for two residents. One he was quite familiar with and expecting, the other, however, took him by surprise.
"Redpaw?" Lilypaw called, equal amounts of surprise flickering on her face.
She was sitting next to Sagepaw, their two nests pushed together. That hadn't been a thing before had it? He looked over towards the lone bundle of russet fur. Hollypaw and Oakclaw had been right.
I did this. There was no use in pretending it to be otherwise. Even if Oakclaw hadn't issued the order, he still would've considered it his responsibility to do something. Going forward these were the sorts of sights he would inevitably encounter in his quest to do what was best for the Clan.
"Hey, Lilypaw," he greeted. "Would it be okay if I borrowed Sagepaw for a bit?"
Her eyes darted uncertainly from Sagepaw and back to him. "I'm not sure there's much chance of that happening. He...he's not really in a state to do much of anything lately."
There was a clear tightness to her voice as she admitted this last piece. The pain there unmistakable. I did this too. It's all my responsibility.
He drew closer, crouching down low next to her. "Let me give it a try," he offered in a kind voice. "I think I may be able to help somewhat."
Meeting his stare, Lilypaw's gaze suddenly faltered and wavered. Bowing her, whether in defeat or acceptance, his ears caught the faintest of, "thank you's". He shifted his focus over onto Sagepaw's form. In the entire time he and Lilypaw had spoken, he hadn't reacted in the slightest.
Speaking in his most casual of tones, Redpaw simply asked, "Hey, up for a walk?"
The two of them quietly stepped out into the forest. Without much consideration for a direction Redpaw randomly pointed his nose west and they began walking. The pace was slow, a quiet deliberate one to match the silence.
Originally when running to meet up with Oakclaw, he hadn't taken the time to genuinely admire and take in the sights of Newleaf. At one glance of the lush evergreen canopy above them, he fully understood for the first time of how and why this season had earned its name. New life had been breathed into the forest.
Gone were the gnarled, bare skeletal remains of treetops. No longer was the earth coarse or hardened, each step cold and numb to make. He could inhale deeply with his lungs and not cough viciously as a result at the harsh and bitter bite of chill. The strong scent of pine and prey like thrushes and squirrels flooded in, reminding him that he hadn't yet eaten today.
He glanced at his silent companion. Despite not having left his nest in sometime, Sagepaw's fur was remarkably well-groomed. He assumed it was something he'd need to credit Lilypaw for, seeming the main caretaker for the tom while he'd been indisposed. The indicator that Sagepaw wasn't himself though, lie in his demeanor. Even as kits he always walked with a certain swagger of a tom twice his size. He was ascertain of his skill and talent, but wanted you to know it as well. That confidence, that swagger, that self assurance were absent now.
The verdant backdrop of Newleaf wasn't enough to offset the stark aura of defeat that reeked from him. He moved as though his entire being were dragging him down through mud. His eyes lie downcast and vacant, appearing to be following Redpaw more so out of instinct than any deliberateness on his part. It was a sight he was only too familiar with himself, having not to long ago experienced something very akin to it.
"It isn't fair," a gruff mumble managed to tumble from Sagepaw's mouth.
The sound of his voice was what Redpaw imagined parched soil would sound like if it could speak. Was this the first time he'd spoken since hearing the news?
"No, it isn't," he agreed simply, keeping his tone neutral. "None of it is." He momentarily let the sound of their pawsteps fill the void between them before adding, "By the way, sorry, and also thank you. Hollypaw told me about how you and her were looking for me. I didn't deserve it, but you came looking anyway."
They continued walking, having lapsed back into silence. He decided to let Sagepaw lead the talk and not try and coax a response out of him. A gentle breeze blew, making his whiskers slightly twitch.
"Oakclaw came and spoke to me...a few sunrises ago, I think," Sagepaw rasped low.
"Oh?"
"He said our final assessment is coming up." Redpaw nodded. He'd heard the same from Hollypaw. "He told me it'd be nice if I could attend. My participation was the one he was most looking forward to having."
"And are you?" Redpaw asked.
Sagepaw looked up at him for the first time since they'd left the camp. His eyes were a dull color, faded over in a slight daze. "For what?" there was hardness to his voice that hadn't been there before.
"You know why," he countered quietly, holding his ground. "The best way to honor him is to continue on in his stead. It doesn't mean we have to let it end there. We can keep going, be more. Be useful to others."
Oakclaw flashed in his mind, followed by Fernleaf and Hollypaw. Brackentail's death could not be for naught, especially not here now with his son of all cats.
Sagepaw immediately stopped walking. "Be useful?" he scoffed derisively. His face had lost it's haggard expression, twisting into a mask of scorn. "What do I care about being useful?! What do I care about being more?!" he slammed his paw heavily onto the ground, sending specs of dirt flying. "After everything my father's done, after everything he's given and sacrificed for the Clan, he didn't–he didn't deserve to just die the way he did!" he cried out, his voice shaking along with the rest of his body. His sides heaved heavily as he stared furiously at Redpaw. "Less than half a cat, unable to properly move or support himself, having to depend on me or Fernleaf just to help. He was a shell of himself! All that work just to be rendered useless and broken! What could you possibly know about that–."
"My mother died a pariah in her own home!" he shouted over him, exploding. It slipped out when he hadn't meant to. He was suppose to be controlling his emotions, but couldn't. The guilt made it impossible. "Cats were so disgusted and angry with her that even in death I suspect most still haven't forgiven her. My own mentor, her brother, hasn't forgiven her! She died knowing that. Sick and isolated just like your father. And you know what? Despite all that, Fernleaf told me after I was born she smiled everyday that we were together. That's because she knew there was something beyond her, even after she died. There was life to continue on in her stead. Brackentail felt the same way about you. I know it!"
Silence reigned once more as they glared defiantly at each other. Neither of them were willing to budge a pawstep. For Redpaw this was akin to torture. Here he was, the reason for Sagepaw's lack of a father, telling him why he needed to persevere despite it. Each word was like a barb in his side. He'd made the choice though. No one else had, and so it was his burden to bare.
"I didn't know that about your mother," Sagepaw said softly, breaking the silence. The rage had left him.
"Not many of the apprentices do," he admitted. The anger before had receded from him as well. "You should thank Lilypaw, by the way," he added. "She did a lot for you apparently."
Sagepaw ducked his head at that. "I know. I owe her an apology too." He let loose a deep sigh. "Does this feeling ever get any better?"
"It'll take a long time," he answered sincerely. "There'll be some days where you feel like its only gotten worse, but even still keep going. Your father dedicated his life so you could become a warrior one day and do the same. Like how you feel about Brackentail, I want what my mother went through to mean something. They didn't sacrifice themselves for us to stop in the middle of our paths."
Sagepaw stared at him for a very long time without saying anything. It reached a point where he vaguely wondered whether or not he'd reverted back to not speaking.
"I'll think about it," he relented after some time.
Redpaw could only nod his head. "Thank you. Saying you'll think is better than just stopping altogether."
It was just a start, but the necessary nudged Sagepaw had desperately needed. No cat should have to lose their way down the path to becoming a warrior, especially not one as talented and pivotal of a part to the Clan as he was. I'd done something unforgivable to him and as a result it was my responsibility to take ownership of it.