Hate

It was meant to be the happiest day of my life. The moment where everything changed for the better. With one speech, however, suddenly it all became tarnished at once. All our aspirations, struggle, and unity were ripped asunder, never to be made whole again.

The scene unfolded akin to a dream. From nothing, Crowstar seemingly materialized out of thin air on top of the Highrock. His tone, morose and tight, immediately drew the whole of camp on him. A sudden sense of unease filled Hollyfrost then, bubbling its way up to the top, as if warning of something foreboding to come.

She could think of no reason why such a sensation would grip her so hard. The last time she even recalled feeling such a way were the moments before Crowstar announced the battle between BoulderClan and CloudClan. What an awful time that was. Hollyfrost only hoped now that today's announcement wouldn't end in a similar disaster.

"I ask all of your attention now for an important Clan meeting," the BoulderClan leader's voice rang out.

Around her, time seemed to distort and accelerate forward. A deep, bottomless hole in the recesses of Hollyfrost's chest opened up, threatening to swallow her entire being whole. Information that shouldn't be known spilled from Crowstar's mouth, exposing the existence of their once hidden group to her Clanmates. How could Crowstar possibly know any of this?

This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening! Her thoughts moved at a erratic pace, horrendously failing to take everything in calmly.

It only grew worse. It wasn't just him who'd known, Crowstar revealed. He divulged a plan created by the leaders to send the deputies to infiltrate the meeting spot of the group. Their meeting spot. Images of all her friends and allies there flashed through Hollyfrost's mind. They'd been in danger and she hadn't known a thing.

I can still vividly recall the horrified expression on Lilypaw's face. The feel and memory of her desperate gaze boring into the side of my face, silently asking what we were meant to do now is as sharp as the day it'd occurred. I didn't have an answer for her. Even if I could think properly in the moment back then, I know it'd never be what she wanted to hear. Only one thing occupied my attention and would going forward.

"All of this was possible because of Redpaw. Alone, selflessly, and without a moment's hesitation he was able to discover the existence of this hidden group and immediately bring it to the attention of the four Clan leaders. Because of his initiative and loyalty, a future threat to the sanctity of the forest was ended before it had chance to rise. He should be honored, and by my word he will be. Today, Redpaw will officially join the rank of warrior!"

The sound of her heart breaking was drowned out by the brazen, jovial cries of the Clan around her. She stood rooted in place, the absolute depiction of despondency and disbelief intermixed into one. It has to be a lie. Why would Redpaw–no, he'd never doing something like that! He's not that sort of cat.

She fought back internally to convince herself. The momentum of the revelation would overwhelm her otherwise if she didn't.

How did one explain what Crowstar knew then? That information was too closely guarded to have come from just nowhere. Only a cat with direct interactions with their group could so thoroughly and accurately have informed the BoulderClan leader so well. But Redpaw? He'd be the last cat she'd ever suspect.

While Hollyfrost stewed in her thoughts, debating the truth, the crowd around her had finally settled down to allow Crowstar the opportunity to continue. The gray leader heaved a deep sigh and then rolled his shoulders, as if preparing himself. In response the sense of foreboding within her seemed to double in intensity.

"It is with much reluctance and a heavy heart now I must inform all of you of an unfortunate incident which also occurred last night. I have not always done my best when it comes to being transparent with you. After today though, I hope to put an end to it once and for all. Moving forward things are about to get possibly more dangerous, and it's important you all know the exact reason why so we're prepared to combat it together." Crowstar allowed a momentary pause to pass between. "In the midst of apprehending the group, a young tom from MeadowClan met an untimely end. The cat in question went by the name Falconpaw and he is, or rather was, the son of Amberstar."

The world darkened around her. If the crowd reacted, Hollyfrost didn't notice it. Sound dulled out into a mute background mumble. Words failed to materialize. Any attempt at trying to process the startling news tumbled from her mind to the wayside. Falconpaw's dead? How could something so unfathomable be true? How? How? How?

I can only compare the moment to the sensation of drowning. You're just clasping at nothingness, hoping to the stars you'll catch perch on something and not suffocate. That's what it's like. It hurts to think about even now. I can feel my chest constricting, my breaths becoming shallower at just the thought of Falconpaw.

"The fault lies solely with me," a clear voice cut through the darkness engulfing her.

Hollyfrost listlessly directed her attention back to the top of the Highrock. Crowstar wasn't alone. Taking up nearly half of the space beside him stood the imposing figure of Oakclaw, the BoulderClan deputy. Something was quite different about him this time, though.

"I repeat again, the fault lies solely with me," he mewed out resolutely. It took a moment for the gravity of his words to sink in before Hollyfrost understood. A compulsion to do harm unlike anything she'd ever known overrode her senses, as she stood transfixed on the talking tabby.

"I made the mistake of giving chase to him when I should've utilized smarter options available," Oakclaw explained. "As a result the apprentice panicked and unfortunately lost his life after accidentally darting off a particular high hill in the midst of MeadowClan territory, striking his head on the way down. I can't ever hope to makeup for this grave mishap. Amberstar is understandably furious and possibly even seeks retribution. My duty as deputy was to help ensure you're protected from danger such as this and unfortunately it seems I've failed to do just that. I don't deserve this title."

He bowed his head deeply and then took a step back, allowing Crowstar to resume the center most spot of the Highrock.

"As is in accordance with the Warrior Code, I say here before StarClan and you all present that I hereby suspend Oakclaw as BoulderClan deputy," Crowstar proclaimed loudly to their stunned silence. "Hear my word now, from this point forward the title of deputy will be bestowed upon Swiftstep. He is your new deputy!"

The whirlwind of information swept us all away. There was too much at once to take in, leaving the majority of the Clan at odds on what to do. I wasn't like them, though. I tracked you down afterwards, securing us off in the forest where we'd be alone. Before any final decisions were made, I needed to know. I needed to hear it straight from your sniveling mouth before I believed a thing.

The air around them was dry and thick with tension. She stood less than four foxlengths away from Redpaw, who wouldn't look at her. His attention lie off to the side, staring aimlessly into a throng of trees. Part of her hadn't thought she'd be able to get him alone, but here they were together.

Hollyfrost found it difficult to start speaking. For so long she'd viewed Redpaw as one of her closest friends, but after everything that Crowstar had to say it was impossible to know whether such a thing could still be true. Friends didn't betray each other.

"What Crowstar's saying isn't true, right?" she naively asked. It was clear from the desperation apparent in her own voice that Hollyfrost knew it was a mousebrained question. "You would never–you couldn't do something like that, Redpaw. I've known you for too long."

Redpaw finally lifted his head up to face her then. As their eyes connected, Hollyfrost realized with a jolt his were completely hollow.

"He's telling the truth," he stated simply.

With his answer went the last shreds of the lie Hollyfrost had forcibly made herself believe. The facade had fallen and now the truth was out in the open.

"Why?"

Her vocal chords strained with hurt asking the question. It was all she wanted to know. After everything they'd shared and experienced together, how could he do something so callous? What compelled him to throwaway moons of friendship and hardwork with one act? She had to know.

"My duty is to BoulderClan and its safety," he replied listlessly. "Nothing else."

"That's it?" her voice asked back, before Hollyfrost realized she'd spoken. "That's your answer?" Rage instantly began pulsating throughout her body. "I befriended you when you were alone! I defended you when no one else would! I kept looking for you when no one else wanted to! Did you ever consider any of that? Tell me, did it pass your mind once before you decided to betray me?"

"I didn't betray you," Redpaw mewed. A bit of life seemed to color his eyes as he argued back. "I gave everyone's names but the ones from BoulderClan. I left them out on purpose. I could've exposed you and Lilypaw, but I didn't."

"And I'm suppose to be thankful?" she retorted, vehemently spitting. His words only served to incite her further. "Falconpaw's dead because of Oakclaw. Dead!" she hissed, stressing the importance of the word. "He can never come back! He– "

"Oakclaw didn't kill Falconpaw!" Redpaw yowled over her.

The outburst was sudden and piercing, catching her completely off guard. Hollyfrost felt her paws root themselves in place, her heart racing madly.

"What did you just say?" she asked in a hollowed whisper. "Say it again. Now."

"I said Oakclaw didn't kill Falconpaw," he reiterated, meeting her gaze with fervor now. "It was me, okay. I did it. It was an accident, but with him gone now it does put an end to things. He can't cause us anymore trouble–"

The bare tips of her claws just missed Redpaw's nose, as he deftly sidestepped the swipe. She followed up on the attack and struck out again, aiming low for his front foreleg. He darted back less than a tail-length, adeptly avoiding another hit, causing her claws to harmlessly pass through air. The space between them was just enough now so she couldn't reach out and swipe at him again easily.

Redpaw's eyes were alert and sharp, trained directly on her. "I won't fight a Clanmate, Hollyfrost," he growled gruffly.

The hackles on the back of her neck rose. "You don't have a choice!" she snarled, lunging forward.

She flew at him propelled by a tumult of violence. Redpaw was already out of range before she'd landed, but she wouldn't allow something like that to dissuade her. She gave chase, attacking him relentlessly, forcing the ginger tom on the back foot.

Her claws very rarely made contact with flesh. Redpaw too his credit was well equipped to evade her onslaught, which only infuriated her more and heightened the desire to harm him. Their bodies happened to grow close for a split heartbeat and Hollyfrost instantly lunged forward. A piece of his shoulder found its way into her mouth as she bit down hard, piercing the fur and skin.

With a surprised yowl, Redpaw tore his shoulder away. Before she had time to follow up with another attack he shoved her hard, putting his entire weight behind it to send her sprawling to the ground. The air rushed from her lungs as she landed with a resounding thud.

Two paws instantly pushed down sharply into her back, keeping her in place. With a outraged yowl, she fitfully struggled to dislodge Redpaw, who kept his paws firmly in place, continually applying pressure.

"Stop attacking me and I'll let you go," he growled in her ear.

"Stop?" she spat out, enraged. "I'm going to kill you! Do you hear me? No one else but me. I won't let it go. I won't ever forget! You'll die by my claws. I swear it! I– "

"What in the stars are you two doing?" a new voice yowled out, cutting through her threats. "Redpaw, get off of her!"

Even in her emboldened state, Hollyfrost recognized Lilypaw's voice at once. The scent of mint and pines drawing closer told her she was approaching them.

"I'll get off when she's no longer trying to fight me!" she heard Redpaw angrily say from over her.

"Let her up, Redpaw," a even deeper voice sounded from above.

Sagebrush? He was here too?

A lapse of six heartbeats went by when the pressure on her back was released. The near instance that she was free, Hollyfrost's claws were already unsheathed and craving to slice through Redpaw's pelt. She whipped around to attack, but instead found herself instantly rebuked by the form of Sagebrush, acting as a border between them.

She immediately tried to dart around him to take a swipe at Redpaw, but Sagebrush appeared more than expectant of it, catching her by the scruff of the neck and hauling her back in front of him. She made another attempt only for the exact repeat of before to happen again.

"Hollyfrost, stop!" Lilypaw said desperately. "You need to calm down."

Lilypaw's pleading words were falling on deaf ears, however. Hollyfrost's sole focus lie directly on the ginger tom before her being protected by Sagebrush. He wasn't going to allow her to get pass. If she was being prevented from doing it physically, she'd strike Redpaw where it hurt emotionally. Her intentions were cruel as she frantically scoured her mind, desperate for something to wound him with. The viler and vitriolic the better.

"You ruin everything you touch," she sneered vindictively. "You're like a plague! The Clan's been right to fear you this entire time. Lives end whenever you're around them. First Cedarshade's and then Brackentail's!"

At the mention of his mother, Hollyfrost noticed a sharp change in Redpaw's demeanor and relished the reaction. Good! I hope it hurts.

Unfortunately for her, Redpaw wasn't the only reaction she'd garnered. It was a sharp intake of breath from Lilypaw that made her take notice. Sagebrush's expression had grown hard, his eyes radiating a intensity of coldness. Hollyfrost couldn't understand the hostility in his gaze until a heartbeat later.

Oh.

"Sagebrush," she began quickly, wanting to explain herself, but knowing the damage was already done. "I didn't mean to bring Brackentail up in that way. I was only–."

"I'm escorting Redpaw back to camp," he said to Lilypaw, ignoring her completely.

Sagebrush turned without looking at her. Together, he and Redpaw departed, leaving Hollyfrost alone with Lilypaw. She couldn't shake the wretched feeling inside at the utter look of betrayal in Sagebrush's eyes when she'd mentioned his father. She'd only wanted to hurt Redpaw, not him.

"Hollyfrost?" Lilypaw mewed in a quiet voice.

However, she wasn't listening. Hurt, anger, and grief dominated her every thought. Falconpaw was dead and Redpaw was the one responsible for killing him. Everything he'd stood for and against amounted to nothing now. Their group lie in shambles with little hope of rekindling it. Her desire for a future where bloodshed and fighting became a thing of the past evaporated the moment Falconpaw's death was announced.

"I see it as things taking their course, I suppose. Cats are being cats and doing what's in their nature. Nothing more, nothing less."

Those familiar old words of Oakclaw's bled into her mind, staining her thoughts. He'd been right from the start. No matter what she did or how hard they'd all tried, at the end of the day cats would always revert back to their base instincts and cause harm to one another. Falconpaw had become a victim of it as poof. It was pointless to fight back against it.

The grief, anger, and pain all compounded on her at once, collapsing the last hints of a wall protecting Hollyfrost's heart from the harshness of reality. She slumped to the ground, unable to stand, allowing it all to beat down on her. Meaningless. It's all meaningless.

At some point she registered the soft flank of Lilypaw pressing up against her. She couldn't make out any of what the medicine cat apprentice was saying, but from her tone it was likely meant to be something comforting. It was just unfortunate for Hollyfrost that it had come far too late.

Later that day you were made into a warrior. I couldn't be sicker to my stomach, listening as everyone mindlessly praised you while completely oblivious to what you'd done. The urge to kill you only grew. As time churned forward, a moon passed by, allowing me to fester and imagine how I'd do it.

The air was unusually dry, despite it being in the midst of Newleaf. It'd persisted for the past half-moon, morphing the forest into a increasingly uncomfortable place to reside for most of the day.

"Any sign of MeadowClan tracks?" Bluefoot called.

She poked her head out from a bush, sending bits of twigs and leaves flying in the process, and shook her fur to remove any remnants.

"Not from here," Roseblossom responded. She turned her head from Bluefoot, glancing further down the pathway past the others. "What about you, Hollyfrost?" the she-cat's voice carried out towards her. "Spot anything?"

Their party of five lie situated at the border separating their Clan from MeadowClan. This marked the third time today they'd scoured it up and down, searching for hints of intrusion. Hostilities were at an all time high currently, so they couldn't make the mistake of failing to be vigilant.

For Hollyfrost it was undoubtedly the worse possible thing that could've occurred. The past moon had been a living nightmare, and nothing outside literal intervention from StarClan itself could remedy any of it. All because of him.

A violent flare of rage ignited within her. Hollyfrost's claws reflexively unsheathed, gouging angry holes into the earth, as she stood silently seething while encased in a cocoon of dark thoughts. She felt a sharp poke in her side, and just as suddenly was released from the cocoon. Glancing up, she caught line of eyesight with Sagebrush. Her rage dwindled to a low simmer at the steady and solemn reflection of light in his gaze.

"Roseblossom's calling you," he mewed before turning to go. "You should probably answer her."

This was the extent of their relationship now since her slip up a moon ago. It tore her apart inside to know she'd estranged herself from him. She'd been losing friends at a rapid pace lately, and a part of her did hope she could properly make amends one day. However, it wasn't something she was lingering on too much. One goal superseded everything else and would until it came to fruition.

Because of the involvement of Lilypaw and Sagebrush interfering last time, Hollyfrost knew she would need to be more precise with her actions in the future. Attacking Redoak for others to witness or overhear would only end in them preventing her from getting revenge. She couldn't be that openly brazen again. Her chance would come. She just needed to wait.

That patience would eventually pay off...just never in a manner I imagined.