"Noah! I don't love Reid! I love you!" Luke said it with such conviction that Noah could almost believe it. But there was one thing that hurt, one thought that really hurt… "Did you sleep with him?"

"No!"

But Luke had been lying to him. Luke had been lying to him for how long? Weeks? Months? And it wasn't the first time he'd lied. So how could Noah believe him now? "Luke! Tell me the truth, you owe me that much! When you were in Texas together for his law suit?"

"No, not then! Not after"

"Not yet?" Bitterness seethed through the question.

"Not ever! Noah, please! Try to understand! You were pushing me away so much! And yeah… I was really hurt and I was really confused and I was very, very angry with you…"

"And Reid was just there, right?" He couldn't help it. He knew he was spiralling out of control but the jealousy, the sick thought of him and Reid… He felt like punching someone…

"URG!" Luke exclaimed with frustration, "Look! Forget about him!" and then in his most dismissive tone, "It hasn't gone anywhere…"

Noah wasn't buying any of it, "But you admit that you're attracted to him?"

"Yes, but it…"

"I feel like SUCH an idiot!" He tried not to let Luke hear the pain in that statement, but it filtered through anyway. This wasn't right! This wasn't how the afternoon was supposed to have gone.

"Noah, don't!" It was clear that Luke didn't want to hurt him. Wasn't trying to hurt him… But Noah's resentment was all consuming by this point.

"You know, I should have pieced this together, but maybe I was in denial or… or maybe I was BLIND!" he said it spitefully, knowing how Luke would feel the sting of it, "You know I could always use THAT as an excuse?"

Luke tried to pull them back, tried to bring them down from the anger that was building so rapidly around the table, "We can get back what we had! I know we can!"

Noah cringed at how unsure he sounded, "You really think so?"

"Yeah."

"Because I don't! Okay? I'm not going to be your safe choice, your fallback guy! You feel guilty? Good! You should!" He needed to get out of there!

"No!" there was panic behind his words and in his eyes as he shot up from his stool after Noah made to leave, "Noah, Noah please, don't go!"

"We're finished Luke, okay? We are done!"

"Okay well let me…" he looked around frantically trying to find a solution, trying to find a way to keep Noah near, "…let me drive you home. We can talk in the car…" He gripped at his coat like a safety blanket.

"There's nothing more to talk about, okay? I don't want your help… or your pity! I have my sight now… I don't need you…"

He hadn't meant it… Of course he hadn't! The words had left his lips in uncontrollable streams. They flowed free along with his rage… at Luke, at Reid, at the whole appalling situation, at the injustice of it all. But mostly, mostly he was angry at himself! For being such a complete idiot! All that time… Right in front of him… Laughing and flirting at private jokes and him, completely unawares, still holding on to a hope… the only thing keeping him going…

Of course he needed Luke! He needed Luke like he needed air and water and sustenance… Luke was all he had! His everything! The accident had taken everything! And why? For what reason? It was just all so pointless!

It wasn't the kiss that was destroying him now; though that in itself was knifing him through the gut; it was the confusion. It was that look of abject confusion on Luke's face. A look he had maybe carried for longer than Noah knew. But it was a look that Noah could now actually SEE!

Luke… the strong one… the open one… the guy that had fought tooth and nail for them from the very beginning… THAT guy had lost faith. And it was this that weighed heavily on Noah's chest as he stormed from the bar and wondered aimlessly towards town. Well, maybe it wasn't so aimless, because here, in front of him, was a quaint wooden park bench. To anybody else walking through Old Town that was all it was… But to Noah it was a ceramic jar filled with memories… all wonderful. And now, he had been careless, and the jar had cracked, spilling his precious memories down a dark drain of despair... He found himself squatting as he lost all feeling in his legs, his hands gripped an arm of the bench, then reverently smoothed up and down the polished wood.

He fought hard! He fought with everything he had, trying to use all the tricks he'd learned his entire life, but there was nothing for it!

"Luke…"

A cry erupted from his throat, followed by a sob and then he was gone…

The tears fell like rain and he let them…

...

That was it, he realised now! That was the moment the crying started. Before that day he could hold back tears if he had to. His father had taught him well. But from that moment on tears would flow freely and he couldn't control them anymore. The giant wall of protection he had spent a lifetime building, crumbled right in that second.

And here he was again! That old memory of pain mingling like oily paint with this new one… Back again in this same place… Full circle…

Only this time there were no tears. He was physically incapable of crying. He could do nothing! He had no recollection of how he had reached the bench, but he sat there solid and unmoving, sure that if he did move, it would be the end of him.

The moment they kissed he'd swallowed a scream, only the fear of being discovered keeping him silent. He couldn't hear anything, but the grocery bags must have made a noise as the dropped to the ground… THEY must have heard it! But Noah hadn't hung around to find out… He ran from that place and somehow… now… he was here…

...

He immediately pushed Troy back by his shoulders so that the man stumbled into the opposite wall. He heard something break further down the alley but his mind was completely focused on what had just happened, "What the fuck are you doing? You're lucky I'm not the same person I was a year ago or you're be on the floor right now!"

"I know!" Troy's green eyes flashed with defiance. "But I don't care! It would have been worth it!"

"What the hell are you talking about? Shit Troy, you know how I…"

"How you feel about the kissing! Yes, believe me I do!"

"What is your problem?"

"What's my problem?" he said it sardonically and then yelled, "WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?" as though it was obvious and the man in front of him was a complete fool. "You left! You just left! Without a word! And I was here waiting for you to come! I had to hear from your grandmother that you'd left town!"

He was perplexed. "Troy… I didn't know I owed you anything. I mean, we weren't in a relationship. We were a one night stand that went on for too long! That's what you said, remember?" and then imitating Troy's most laid back voice, "It's just sex! Let's just have fun and enjoy ourselves! No strings attached!"

"I know that! I know what I said!"

"So then what is it?" Troy looked at his feet and so he tried again, "What?"

"I fucking love you okay?" He felt his eyes widen in shock as Troy spoke, "I fell in love with you! That's what! And you just left me!"

He immediately softened. He suddenly felt like such a shit. "God. I didn't know." He shook his head sadly. "Dammit Troy, I was a mess! And you knew that! I mean you used it to get me to sleep with you!"

"Yeah well... It's not like I fell on purpose or anything!" There was a moment of uncomfortable silence between them. Then Troy asked "So, where did you go anyway?"

He leaned back against the wall and felt that deep disappointment. "I was in rehab."

"What?"

"I'm a recovering alcoholic Troy! Wasn't it obvious? I relapsed! That's the only reason I slept with you. I wasn't myself, okay? It was the drink…" But that wasn't just it. He spent some time mulling things over. If he had hurt Troy during that terrible time, then maybe he owed Troy the whole truth too. "It wasn't just the drink… I was trying to forget somebody."

"The doctor?"

He bit his lower lip and shook his head. "That's what I thought at first but, no, that's what I wanted to believe. Because that was easier… But it wasn't the truth… I was trying to forget my first love... My current love."

Troy looked suddenly shattered. "You're with somebody?"

Luke nodded, "I'm really sorry Troy. If I hurt you I didn't do it on purpose. It was a rebound kind of thing for me. I was so lost and I was trying to forget him. And that's no excuse… I should never have been with you in the first place. But, Troy, I never promised you anything, right? I mean, I never led you on."

Troy wanted to be angry at Luke but he couldn't, because the truth was he had known all along. "No." Then after a moment, "So that's who you were so angry at all that time? Your ex?"

"It was more the circumstance I was angry at then my ex per say but, yes, there was a lot of hurt and anger inside of me then. I handled the whole thing really badly!"

"And now?"

Luke answered easily, "Now I'm happy. More happy than I've ever known."

Troy nodded. "Okay then. I know you're mad about the kiss, but I'm glad I did it. At least I have that."

"Will you be okay, Troy?"

Troy looked so sad, "Yes. I mean it's not the first time somebody's left me right? I should be used to it by now."

He had nothing he could say to that. He knew what a lonely person Troy was.

Before they parted Troy asked, "Do you think we can be friends?" There was so much hope in his expression.

"I'd like that." He nodded.

...

The numbness was wearing off and Noah began to panic. He had the distinct sensation of the skin crawling, as though covered in insects. He could feel his chest slowly swelling, constricting his breath so that his mouth released short puffs of mist in the icy air. He was suffering a feeling of acute claustrophobia, even out in the open as he was.

There was an increasing lump in his throat as he clung to the numbness, desperate not to feel it! Desperate not to feel the same pain that had consumed him for an entire year! He was shivering but not from the cold.

They were happy right? He hadn't just imagined it? Or was he really that selfish? Was he so wrapped up in his own feelings of bliss that he hadn't noticed Luke wasn't feeling the same?

He couldn't… He couldn't manage it... He couldn't live without Luke… He knew that! He'd tried once before and yet… and yet he loved him too much to bind Luke to him, if that wasn't what Luke wanted… it that wouldn't make him happy.

...

Luke checked his watch for the umpteenth time and then repeated the action with his phone. Still no message from Noah and it was getting seriously late now! Luke had no idea what could be keeping him and a tangled knot of worry was growing in his gut.

"Anything?" Holden asked, coming into the kitchen to find Luke seated at the table, lightly tapping his phone on the surface.

"No, nothing! I don't get it! Are you sure he didn't say anything to you?"

"Sorry." Holden shrugged, "Just that he was going for groceries and could I keep an eye on Nicky. He borrowed my truck."

Luke stood suddenly and grabbed his jacket, "I'm going to look for him."

"Son! I'm sure he's fine!"

"Then why isn't he answering his phone, Dad? I need to go! I'm going crazy just sitting here! Can you please just watch Nicholas for a little longer?"

Holden nodded.

After leaving the farm he drove around town for a while, checking all the places he thought Noah might go. Finally he spotted Holden's truck parked near the entrance to Old Town. He drew the car up next to it and checked the cab. Empty. He sighed, looking around the deserted parking lot before making his way into town.

He spotted Noah quite quickly, sitting still on their bench in the square. "Noah?"

Noah sat for some moments his face half turned away. When he finally looked up the expression of desolation on his face shocked Luke to the core and he fell immediately to the ground in front of him.

"Baby?" He spoke softly and took Noah's hand, but it was as if Noah hadn't registered him there. "You're as white as a sheet! And you're shaking! Are you sick?"

When there was no response Luke squeezed Noah's hand, trying to bring him out of the strange place he seemed to be in, "Please? You're really scaring me! What is it Noah?"

His voice was so constricted as to sound almost painful. As though he had spikes in his throat, "I'm afraid."

Luke frowned with worry, completely mystified as to what was happening and slowly becoming frantic at the state of him, "Afraid? Afraid of what, baby?"

Noah looked right at him, but his blue eyes were glazed over, as though answering Luke from within a dream, "Of you…"