It was quick and easy to reach the main barn from the back door of the farmhouse. It was just a short walk down the hill after all. But Ethan would always take the long route… First he would sprint to the garden wall, each time trying to be faster than the last. Then he would climb up his Grandma Emma's flower trellis (further challenged this time by his broken arm, but thoroughly impressed with himself for making it) so that he could walk, arms extended for balance, along the top of the wall… right to the very end of the upper garden, where the wall stepped away to allow him safe access back to the ground. A green wooden arch, which in summer would usually be covered in white climbing roses, would lead him into the much wilder lower garden, the only manicured bit being the path that led down to the stream.
If you followed this path the whole way down you would eventually come to a small stone bridge, allowing you to cross the stream without getting your feet wet or muddy. But of course this was far too simple for Ethan. Instead he would veer to the right and use the stepping stones to hope across. He never fell in! He was an expert!
Once on the other side, the farmland would open out before him, dusky and brilliant in the morning light. And then he would march with deliberation across the final few yards to the barn.
He loved to visit the horses in the morning! They were always so excited to see somebody, knowing they were about to be fed either their breakfast or a treat of some sort. This made them ultra affectionate.
"Cupboard love…" Grandma Emma would say.
He made his way from stall to stall, petting each eager head, doling out treats, and whispering to them the way his father did, until eventually coming upon his own pony, Nash.
"Hi Nashie!" and he giggled as the pony nuzzled his neck. "Urg! That tickles horsie!"
He lifted his good left hand and stroked Nash right from the tan diamond between his eyes to the tip of his nose. The pony sneezed and Ethan laughed again, "Bless you! You hungry boy?"
Nash seemed to nod in agreement and Ethan grabbed a carrot from the bag by the stall door. He held out his hand and the pony took it, making loud crunching noises of satisfaction.
But then some other noise caught Ethan's attention. It was a strange rustling sound, nothing like the usual barn sounds. Not the kind of noise a horse's hoof would make. It was coming from his dad's old storage cupboard at the other end of the barn. He wondered if it could be one of the farm cats and, naturally curious, he walked over to investigate.
He flung open the cupboard doors, expecting an animal to come flying out, but was instead confronted by Nicholas, cowering in the corner with a terrified stare
"NICKY!" He exclaimed with loud surprise. "AWWWW! You are in BIG trouble! Evewybody's looking for you! EVEWYBODY! Even Uncle Jack! And he's a policeman!"
The other boy was shaking and Ethan wondered why he looked so scared.
"Why you hiding?"
Nicholas hesitantly lifted his finger and pointed at the cast on Ethan's arm.
"Sowwy." He said softly.
Excited to finally get any reaction out of Nicholas, Ethan brightened up with a radiant smile, "That's 'kay! This pas-tor-cast is real cool! And people wroted on it and Faith draw-ded a flower, see!" He shoved his arm right under Nicholas's nose.
Still nervous by the other boy's sudden presence, but feeling lonely and insecure, Nicholas leaned forward to peer down at the tiny picture and he smiled softly. He lifted his head and saw only friendship in the other boy's eyes. He saw suddenly that Ethan had kind eyes like Luke. They were the same colour as chocolate ice-cream.
"Did you sleep in the barn all night?" asked Ethan in a half whisper of amazement.
Nicky nodded.
Ethan considered this for a minute and then grinned, "Cool! That's so cool! Mommy would never let me do that!"
"Luke and Noah are mad at me." He stated sadly.
"Ye-ah." said Ethan drawing out the sound uncertainly and with a shrug, "I guess?" They HAD both been acting very strange that morning. Although Ethan could swear they seemed more sad than angry.
"I don't want to go back to Mommy."
"You don't?" Ethan was confused by this. He always wanted to go back to his mommy. He clambered into the tight cupboard space to sit opposite him. "Why not?"
"Mommy hits me hard. And her friends hit me…" His lower lip quivered at the thought of it.
Ethan frowned, "And Luke and Noah are sending you back there?" It didn't sound like something they would do, but then adults were always difficult to understand. He couldn't imagine why Nicholas's mommy would hit him.
"Can I stay here?" Nicholas asked hopefully.
"Where?" asked Ethan, his eyes widening, "In the BARN?"
"Yeah…"
"What? Forever?"
Nicholas nodded and Ethan looked about. "Well… I guess…" then his face glowed with excitement, "We can pretend this is Neverland! And we're the lost boys!"
"Whose those?" Nicholas had no idea what Ethan was saying.
"I'll bring the book, 'kay? And… you'll need some stuff! Wait here! I'll bring it!" He shifted out of the cupboard. This was a fun game, he thought.
"Please don't tell!" Nicholas begged.
Ethan put his cast arm over his heart, held up two fingers with the other hand and vowed, "Scouts honour!" Just as he'd seen some kids do in a movie.
Nicholas didn't know what that meant either, but it sounded official, so he took it as a promise.
"Can you bring my colours?" Nicholas asked shyly. He needed them. They would help keep his mind off things.
"Sure!"
"Can I draw on your arm?"
"Yeah! Cool! I'll be back soon! And I'll bring food, 'kay?"
"'kay." Nicholas brightened at the mention of food and was suddenly feeling much better.
Luke and Noah loved Ethan more than they loved him, but now he loved Ethan too.
...
Why couldn't it be him? Just once, why couldn't he be the one? Why was he always watching from the outside as other people obtained happiness?
And no doubt they WERE happy. Even with their devastation over the missing boy, Troy could see their connection. It was full and true and solid. And it was unbreakable. It had rendered him immobile in its simplicity and beauty. All he could do was sit there staring… spellbound.
He should have been out helping with the search. Maybe it was a chance to play the hero. If he found the boy wouldn't HE be grateful? But then what was the point? He could never replace this Noah in HIS life. He saw that and he accepted it.
So, as usual, the world went on around him while he stood still, immobile, changeless and loveless.
The evening had not gone as planned. He had wanted longer with HIM… he had wanted to say more. But now he found himself entering the house, sleepwalking really. He started when he remembered and ran panicked into the parlour. He sighed heavily with relief to find his preparations as he'd left them, undisturbed and then he remembered telling the staff not to come in that day either.
That was a good afterthought.
...
Of course they should have known, Noah thought. They should have known he was smart enough to follow their trail back to the farmhouse. He was observant. They had just been saying that, that very same day. But he was obviously more aware than either of them had ever given him credit for. Four years of age and he had made his own way back! That entire distance! It was amazing!
Faster than the speed of lightening, both men were on their feet, kitchen chairs flying, and running for the barn. They flung the door open and there, feeding an apple to Nash, stood the child they'd taken for dead.
"NICKY!" Noah exclaimed in a mixture of pure relief and frazzled nerves, while Luke leaned against the barn door in reprieve.
Nicholas jumped, paused frozen on the spot staring at them, and then darted quickly for the cupboard, closing the door behind him in his regulatory fashion.
They approached slowly. Noah let out a long breath. He willed himself not to fling the cupboard doors open, grab the child, and hold him close for all eternity. He held back, lowering himself to the floor and leaning up against it.
"I'm sorry I yelled baby, okay? Nobody's angry at you. We were just so scared last night when you went missing… Will you come out?"
He stared up at Luke when there was no response from inside.
"We would never send you back, baby." Luke tried, "We love you! We told you before that you will stay with us forever."
"Yeah!" Agreed Noah, "I pinkie swore, remember? And you can't break a pinkie promise!"
The door that Noah wasn't leaning against squeaked slowly open and a small, uncertain, tear-stained face came into view. His little chest hopped up and down with each gentle sniff of grief.
Holding back his own tears, Noah smiled sympathetically at him. "Baby? You WERE very naughty to push Ethan and hurt his arm like that. And I WAS angry with you, okay?"
Nicky looked down at his hands and bit his lower lip.
"But just because I'm angry at you, it doesn't mean I don't love you baby! It doesn't mean I'd ever hurt you or want you gone! You understand?"
"But you love Ethan…" he whispered almost beyond hearing.
"Yes we do love Ethan, baby, but… we don't love Ethan anymore or any less than we love you. You are both special to us, okay? People can love more than one person. I love Luke, right? And I love you. So it's okay if we also love Ethan, isn't it? We can love you both!"
Nicholas almost nodded.
"Baby? If you do something wrong I'm going to tell you! So that next time you know not to do it again! But Nicky… look at me…" Nicholas didn't budge, "Look at me Nicky!"
He lifted his guilt-ridden eyes to Noah.
"I want you to pinkie swear that you will never, NEVER, run away from us again! Okay?" and Noah held up his crooked little finger, waiting.
There was no hesitation, Nicholas stepped out the cupboard and gripped his finger around Noah's.
Noah opened his arms out to him, "Now can I have a hug?" and Nicholas wrapped his arms around Noah's neck, allowing Noah to pull him in.
"Ah, kid!" Noah sobbed as the tears fell, and Luke squatted down before them to take them both into his own arms. There were not words for the relief they felt for this precious discovery, back with them, safe and sound…. where he belonged.
...
Noah had taken Nicholas upstairs to bath and put him to bed. The child was shell shocked and especially overwhelmed by all the cheering and relief they'd received as Noah carried the tiny guy, clinging to him for all he was worth, from the barn to the house. Luke stayed downstairs to call off the search, contacting his father first with the good news.
"Oh! That's fantastic son!" Luke could actually hear the tension leave his father's exhausted voice.
Just before he hung up Luke said, "Dad!"
"Yes son?"
"I love you..."
Now, finally, all the volunteers had been thanked and sent on their way and Margo's police report had been completed and signed off. The Snyder family couldn't remember the last time they'd all been so drained. And they spent a few minutes together, just gathering themselves, before Jack rose; prompting the departure of Dusty and Parker also.
"Thanks so much Uncle Jack! Dusty! Parker! You guys are always there when I need you! Really, you're amazing!"
"Don't mention it!" smiled his gentle cousin Parker and they shared a quick and friendly hug.
"Well, thank the Lord that's all over with!" declared Emma once they had gone. "I tell you now! I was sure I would die of fright!"
"Me too!" agreed Luke. "Thanks everyone… um… do you mind if I…" and he pointed up the stairs.
"Of course not, Luke!" His mother assured him, "It's understandable. Get yourself to bed!"
Holden nodded and smiled at his son.
So Luke found Noah sitting on the edge of Nicholas's bed, staring down at his sleeping face for all the world like he would never leave.
He turned his head as Luke entered and sighed sweetly at him, "I'm not sure I can leave this room tonight!" As he said it he placed his hand on Nicholas's chest as though monitoring his breathing.
"Well!" said Luke, "Grandmother did try to warn me how hard parenting can be! Boy was she right! God, but I don't think I've ever been so scared!"
"Me neither." Noah swayed slightly.
Luke crossed the room to draw Noah's head so that it rested against his stomach and Noah encased his arms around Luke's waist. Luke kissed the crown of his head and Noah looked up at him, his chin resting just above Luke's navel.
"Luke?" he asked, suddenly remembering.
"Yeah?"
"What was Troy doing here?"
"I have no idea!" Luke said truthfully, "Does it matter?"
"No." Noah replied simply, "No, it doesn't matter at all! All that matters is this…"
Their eyes searched each others, reading thoughts only they could hear. And Luke bent over to kiss Noah meaningfully, "Come," he said. "Come to bed. Everything will be better in the morning."
Noah hesitated, turning to look back on the sleeping child. Luke turned too, moving from Noah's embrace to kiss Nicholas on the cheek and pat the comforter warmly around him. Then he moved towards the door, stopping to reach his hand out to Noah.
"Come." He repeated. "He's safe. Let him sleep."
Noah smiled softly and took Luke's offered hand, standing and allowing Luke to lead him to their room next door. They dressed quietly for bed and then snuggled down tightly blanketed together, nose to nose, eye to eye. Luke watched as Noah's blinks became longer, until he leaned over to steal one final soft kiss from Luke, before drifting off into a well earned sleep.
...
Troy drank down the entire bottle in one smooth gulp. It would help he thought. It would help when the time came.
He sat back in the couch and he waited.
He waited for them to take effect.
...
It was three AM and Luke found himself in the kitchen heating up milk. He felt a little stupid. He hadn't needed warm milk and cookies since he was a small child. But that was how he had felt the whole time Nicholas was missing, leaning on his parents like he did growing up. Just utterly helpless… If Noah hadn't been by his side, he most likely wouldn't have made it.
Now of course, however much he needed it, he was completely unable to sleep. He removed the pot and carefully poured the frothy liquid into a mug, sticking one choc-chip cookie in his mouth and grabbing another with his free hand. He wandered into the sitting room, thinking a little television might help him nod off, and had just placed his treat on the coffee table when his cell phone rang. He forgot he had left it on the sideboard during the excitement of Nicholas's discovery.
He frowned when he looked at the 'withheld' number on the display. Who would call at such an hour? He answered with trepidation, expecting the worse. Any call this early in the morning had to be bad news.
"Hello?"
"I made a mistake…" a quiet voice said.
"What?"
"I'm so scared right now… so tired."
"Troy? Is that you?" The blood started to drain from Luke's face at the strange tone of his voice, "Are you okay?"
Suddenly the voice brightened up, swapping from depressive to calm in less than a second, "Yeah! Yes fine." And then back to that odd quality that worried Luke, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"I messed up…"
"Troy? Are you drunk?" Luke was suddenly angry, "Why are you calling me? Do you have any idea what the time is?"
"I don't usually do this, you know?"
"Do what? You're not making any sense!"
"I don't usually fall for them like this!" Luke realised that Troy wasn't really listening to him at all, "I'm sorry I pushed you into it… when you didn't want it! I'm sorry I fell…"
The line went dead.
"Troy!"
He stared down at the phone. His heart started to hammer. Something wasn't right. Luke left the sitting room and headed for the kitchen where he quickly snatched the car keys from the table. He paused for sometime by the back stairs, staring up to where Noah and Nicholas lay sleeping, considering…
Then he left out the back door, before he changed his mind.
...
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