A mammoth knot of anxiety sat heavy in the pit of his stomach as he stood before the door to the house he'd grown up in; the closure of which was a sign of rejection and banishment.
Banished.
Sniffing he swallowed hard and stared at his feet, noticing for the first time that he wasn't wearing any shoes. He could hear his parents screaming at each other from inside the house, but he couldn't make out what they were saying. The whole building seemed to emanate tension.
He had to hold himself back from banging on the door, begging for forgiveness and promising to be the perfect son they wanted. If only they would stop fighting. If only they could go back to normal.
But he knew he couldn't do that. Their version of normal was a lie.
He sat down with a thud on the step; his back up against the door, and he rested his head on the frame, staring out into the neighbourhood at the normality of houses and cars and trees. They were just the same as always, but his life wasn't.
He gripped his ankles in his hands and lowered his head between his knees.
His eye was really starting to throb from the punch his father gave him. He still couldn't believe his father actually hit him.
He cried then.
He sobbed miserably on the step for ages, hoping, wanting to believe that at any second one of them would let him back in. Surely they wouldn't be okay with him disappearing into the city this late at night.
Surely they couldn't hate him forever?
Eventually he reached a point when he couldn't cry anymore. He wiped his snotty nose on his cords and stood up, looking around as though the answer to his problems would suddenly appear before him.
He didn't have his phone or any money.
His instinct was to head straight for Benoit's house. And he would have done except for the fact that Benoit wasn't there. His father had jetted them back to Paris for two weeks to visit with his mother.
Josh couldn't reach out to any of his other friends. They'd want to know what happened and then he'd have to tell them he was gay. He wasn't ready for that! Especially not now, after this reaction from his own family!
He started to walk aimlessly.
...
Luke had been staring at the flashing curser on a blank screen for over fifteen minutes, but he felt uninspired to write just then.
The afternoon session with the therapist had left both kids in a strange solemnest that bothered Luke somewhat. He thought therapy was supposed to help? Not take two usually happy children and turn them into depressed zombies.
The therapist explained that children tended to deal with things day by day, as they came about, using the past to help navigate new experiences. Any unusual behaviours, such as Nicholas's issues with food, could be attributed to negative experiences from their past.
As much as a person would want a child to be happy and to shield a child from those past negative memories, it was never a good idea to allow them to bury them entirely. These would only arise from their latent state in later life, often causing heartache, depression or other mental illness.
It was important they forced the children into confronting those past negatives, until they were comfortable talking about them.
"It's natural for a child to believe adults when those adults call him or her stupid or blame the child for their own adult shortfalls." The therapist explained, "Children look to adults for guidance. We need to make sure these kids know that what happened to them wasn't their fault."
Luke's thoughts were interrupted then by a loud shriek from down the passage. He jumped off his chair and made his way toward it.
"No!" Nicholas was screaming from the bedroom and Luke could hear tiny grunts off of Mia.
"What's going on?" Luke asked, just entering the room in time to see Nicholas topple backward as Mia lost her grip on the book they held between them.
"It's my book! It's mine!" Nicholas insisted passionately from his position on the floor.
Mia burst out crying.
It was his book to be fair but it was also immediately clear to Luke that he only wanted it because Mia had decided to play with it.
"What's the matter Nicky?" he asked, "You always share with Mia?"
"It's my book!" he restated, with a look of stubbornness so like Noah's, Luke struggled not to laugh.
"Yes Nicky. It is your book, but is there any reason why Mia can't read it?"
"I want… to read… the Noah book!" Mia hiccupped through her tears.
Oh.
Since Luke first gave him the book, 'Noah's Ark' had become Nicholas's prized possession; which he usually kept under the pillow on his bed.
Mia must have made the mistake of removing the book from there.
"I see." said Luke, "It's the special book, ha?"
Nicholas nodded defiantly.
"Okay." Luke thought for a moment, looking from one child to the next, "Let's say I was to sit here and read the story to both of you? Would that work?"
Nicholas regarded him for a moment and then turned his blue eyes on Mia.
"Come on now Nicky." Luke couched, "Say sorry to Mia and we can have a nice read of the story."
Nicholas stood, brushed himself down and tentatively handed the book up to Luke.
"Sowwy." He told Mia and then climbed up onto the bed, hanging his feet over the edge in preparation to be read to.
Luke smiled and sat beside him, kissing the top of his head and reaching around him just as Mia clambered up onto his knee.
"Okay, let's start then. Noah's Ark."
In all the times he'd read the story to Nicholas, the boy had never once seemed concerned for all the people and animals who didn't get to shelter from the flood in the safety of the boat.
So long as those in the boat made it he was happy.
But for some unknown reason the question came to the boy then, and although he was pretty satisfied with Luke's explanation, Mia was not.
"But why?" Mia asked again, worry wrinkling her forehead.
"Because there was only space on the boat for the two by twos." Luke tried to explain.
"But all the other people got left-ted in the water?" she moaned.
"I'm afraid so baby."
She frowned down at the book.
"Because they were bad?" she asked softly.
"I guess so, yes."
Her little hand came up to scratch her nose at this and then she said something that made Luke's blood run cold.
"Mommy left me in the water."
His throat tightened.
They had often wondered how much she remembered, but this was the first mention she had ever made of the time her suicidal mother tried to drown her in the bath. In fact this was the first time, other than occasional mention of her father that Mia ever spoke of her old life. Perhaps the therapy session that morning had stirred those memories.
"Was I bad?" The little girl continued, oblivious to the effect she was having on the man beside her.
"No baby." He kissed her cheek in reassurance and tried to keep the tremor from his voice.
"Mia's mommy left her in the water?" asked Nicholas curiously.
Luke noted the lack of disbelief in Nicholas's query. This was a child after all, who's own understanding of a mother was one of violence and neglect.
"Mia's mommy was very sick, Nicky." Luke explained before smiling at Mia sympathetically, "She didn't mean to hurt you baby. Okay?"
Mia looked back down at the book and silently fiddled with the page corners.
"Do you want to tell me," Luke asked hesitantly, "…about your mommy?"
She shook her head, slipped off his lap and proceeded to play with the small doll's house in the corner of the room; carefully keeping her back to him.
Luke didn't try to push her. He left her to it, occupied Nicholas with a puzzle and returned to his writing.
An hour later, the screen was still blank.
...
While he was in suburbia being barefoot was okay. He could stay on the cool grass of the well manicured lawns. It was only as he reached the highway that the lack of shoes started to become a problem. Stones and bits of broken glass cut painfully at his feet. He had to sit down a few times to pull them out.
Without actually formulating the route in his head, somehow, hours later, Josh found himself in the San Fernando Valley. He blinked away the blinders he'd had on during the entire journey; half walked and half achieved by sneaking on the bus without paying.
He was surprised to find himself there.
It was just…
He felt like…
It would help him escape…
The lamp lit street was as busy as ever. Nobody slept this side of town. He headed for the usual alleyway, looking for somebody who could help him out.
He didn't find Dean, but he did find one of the other kids whose name he didn't know.
"Lost again princess?" The boy asked him, leaning back against the side of a building. His dark eyes immediately took in Josh's appearance, "Someone steal your kicks or somethin?"
Josh ignored the comment, "I'm looking for Dean."
He tried to sound confident, even though inside he was about to explode from suppressed emotion. Emotion he didn't want to feel.
He swallowed away another large lump and asked, "Is he around?"
The drug would give him a few minutes peace.
If he could only persuade Dean.
"Looking to score?"
The other voice came up unexpectedly behind him and he couldn't help the way his body jumped. The kid seemed to have formed from the shadows.
Josh's nervousness was not going undetected by the first boy.
He turned and recognised the other kid as Nick.
"Yeah," he answered, "You have any?"
"E?" Nick was chewing on a stick of gum.
Josh shook his head in the negative.
"H?" The kid asked, his lips curing into a knowing smile.
Josh ignored his smirk and nodded.
"Yeah. I got some." Nick informed him, "But you still owe me from the last pick up."
"What?" Asked Josh confused. They had definitely paid Dean the last time.
"Your friend was here last week asking for a spot. We don't normally do that but you's good customers. He said you guys would pay on your next pick up. So show me the dough and I'll show you the stuff. You know how it works."
Suddenly Josh had a nasty feeling things were about to get tricky.
"Um." Josh said, "I was kinda hoping you would spot ME."
"What the fuck?" The kid against the wall stood up straight then.
"This some kind of joke?" Nick asked; his voice suddenly changing form cordial to menacing.
"Look." explained Josh, "I didn't know he came down here alone. "I didn't know about the spot, okay?"
"Talk shit!" Nick exclaimed, "You think we stupid or somethin?"
Josh shook his head to assure them he did not think that.
"You think we don't know all the tricks? He comes down first and then you comes down and then we never sees payment?"
Josh didn't like the way this was going and even less so when two more of the gang suddenly appeared behind Nick.
Where did they come from?
"Well." Josh tried to reason. "I've had a really bad night as you can see and I don't have any money. So, either you can spot me and get paid next time or you get nothing."
It was a mistake.
"Turn him over!" Nick demanded and before Josh knew it he was struggling and sheltering his head on the ground as the gang held him down and turned out his pockets.
"Nada Nick!" One member exclaimed, "The kids got nothin!"
"You fuck! What the fuck is this?" Nick kicked Josh hard in the ribs and it seemed to spark frenzy amongst the others. The tips of hard shoes dug into him from all angles as he screamed for mercy.
"Hey!" It was an authoritative voice that he recognised. "Stop!"
Blessed relief came and the kicking stopped. He looked up over his arm and recognised Dean above him. The older boy held out his hand and pulled a shaky Josh to his feet.
"What the hell's going on here?" Dean asked.
"The kid ain't got payment Dean-Boy!" Nick explained, "Not for last week's spot! And now he's here demanding more!"
"That true?" Dean asked Josh and Josh could only nod. "I see. Well, Josh, ain't it?"
Josh nodded, shivering.
"Your friend owes us for last week and until that's settled there's no spot for you, you dig?"
Josh nodded again. He just wanted to get out of there.
"So you go home and dip into that collage trust fund of yours and pay me next time, Okay?"
Another nod.
Dean reached into his coat pocket and produced a few coins.
"Here." He said. "Take the bus back home and don't be coming down here with no dough, you hear?"
...
"Wow." Noah whispered after Luke had just finished filling him in on the incident with Mia. "Poor baby. I can't even bring myself to think about her..."
"I know." Luke agreed sadly.
"So, what did the therapist say?" Noah asked.
"Not much really." Luke said, massaging Noah's foot in both his hands, "Mostly she just explained the basic psychology of children and then she spent a few minutes with each of them. I guess she needs time before she can make any kind of real assessment."
They sat on either end of the couch as they talked. Noah had one leg resting across Luke's knees.
"And Nicky?" Noah asked; wincing as Luke found a particularly tight spot near his big toe, "Was he okay with her?"
"Well, not really. She wanted to see them both on their own, but Nicholas point blank refused of course."
Noah smiled gently.
"Mia was okay with it." Luke continued, "The doctor spent quite a bit of time with her alone. That's why I don't know whether Mia bringing it all up today had something to do with the therapy."
"Well," Noah suggested, "I guess we need to ask Dr. Mishra next time."
"Yeah. Anyway, I was there for Nicky's session and he didn't say a word to her."
Noah laughed. "He will! You know it just takes him some time to get used to strangers."
"I still can't believe this, you know?" Luke said.
"What's that?"
Luke shifted up until they were sitting side by side and swept his eyes over Noah's face.
"Last year," Luke continued, resting his left elbow on the edge of the sofa and reaching up to twist Noah's fringe around his finger. "When I was missing you so much and trying to pretend that I wasn't dreaming of a life with you…" He laughed slightly and then marvelled at how he was now able to laugh about something that had once been so painful. "…I never in a million years imagined that only a few months later I'd be married to you and we'd have three kids!"
Noah laughed too grabbing at Luke's hand and kissing his fingers, "I know! If somebody had said that to me then; I'd have had them committed!"
"We were such a mess!" Luke said.
"Not anymore." Noah smiled.
"No." Luke leaned over to kiss him gently, "Now we're perfect."
...
As Josh rode the bus minutes later he wondered at how he wasn't thinking about the fact that he was homeless or about close call he'd just had. All he could think about was the lack of heroin.
Damn Benoit!
He must have wanted something to take back to Paris with him!
Shit!
Other people riding the bus shied away from him.
Josh felt suddenly very alone and the closer the bus got to home, the more he remembered that he couldn't go there and those feelings he had been keeping at bay since he left the house, were sneaking their way back to the surface.
If only he could call Natalie. At least she was one person in the world he could talk to.
And then, as that thought came to him, he realised there were two other people he could potentially talk to.
Pretty soon he found himself in front of Luke and Noah's house. He hesitated but eventually worked up the courage, having no other options available. He rang the buzzer twice knowing they would be asleep.
He waited and when there was no answer he began to panic. He was sure Natalie said they weren't going away on honeymoon. He rang again, this time holding the buzzer down a little longer.
He jumped when the outside light came on and the door opened to a bedraggled and tired looking Noah, his dark eyebrows raised in surprise to see Josh on his doorstep.
Suddenly Josh wished he hadn't done this.
"I'm so sorry." He sniffed pathetically.
Then he heard Luke call Noah's name and saw him arriving shirtless from the direction of the bedroom.
"Shit!" he thought to himself, "These guys have just gotten married! Way to ruin it for them, Josh!"
"I'm sorry! I shouldn't have come here… it was a mistake… I… I… I'm sorry…"
As he made to leave, Noah held out a hand to him, "No wait!"
The gesture was so simple but yet so welcoming that Josh almost ran into his arms.
"It's okay Josh." Noah's voice was kind and concerned.
He felt so lost and alone and as much as he knew he should go, as much as he knew his problems weren't theirs, he was desperate to stay.
"Josh," Noah continued." It's okay. Come in."
Josh would later feel bad at allowing Luke and Noah to believe his father caused all of his injuries, but there was no way he could tell them about the San Fernando Valley.
And he definitely couldn't tell them how scared he was of the realisation that, for the first time ever, he really, really, NEEDED a hit.
...
Thanks everyone! :-)