Mia was dead.

Josh was sure of it.

She'd felt so cold; so frozen in his arms.

He would be told soon that she was dead.

His hands were slimy and slick with sweat, and yet the drug had focused his mind suddenly; as sharp as a knife.

Inside his head, behind his eyes, he was already playing the scene of the doctor telling Luke and Noah and he could hear them screaming and screaming. He placed both his hands over his ears and cried.

It was his fault! He was cursed. Everywhere he went he just produced heartache for the people he cared about. Thing's weren't getting better since he came out. They were just getting worse!

He knew he would have to leave. He couldn't risk causing any more harm to the two men who had taken him in, no questions asked. And the two children who had come to mean as much to him as his sisters did.

Josh felt the panic rippling through his body once more. He couldn't avoid the feeling that he'd lost himself for good and for always and that the self he'd known would never be coming back. Or, even more frightening was the thought that this Josh was in fact his true self. And he was this hateful, infectious person, this failure.

"I'm scared." He thought suddenly, shivering deep in his bones, "I'm so scared."

...

Luke, round-eyed, breathing noisily through his mouth, was staring fixedly at the nurse over the top of the reception counter. There were several seconds of dreadful silence while she searched her database and then the nurse smiled looking up at them.

"3rd floor, ward D."

The men were already at the elevator on the word "ward", Noah pressing the button frantically, as though doing so could actually make the elevator arrive quicker.

Luke hissed when a man stepped in after them and pressed the button for the second floor. Another delay. He gritted his teeth but felt better as Noah took his hand and squeezed.

The elevator door opened and they raced down the 3rd floor corridor, colliding smack-bang into a chubby but cheerful looking nurse.

"Josh?" Luke gasped out of breath. "Please. With two babies, Nicholas and Mia? Are they here?"

The nurse was at first taken aback by the state the two men were in but then she smiled. "Oh yes, they are."

"Are they okay?" Noah asked, "Are they hurt?"

"What happened?" Luke chimed in.

"Okay, now calm down." The nurse said gently, "I think you should come with me."

She led them calmly down the long corridor, stopping for a minute to insert a chart she was holding into its placement on the wall and then opening a nearby door.

A strange and loud clacking noise was the first thing they heard before the unmistakable giggles of childish laughter.

Both Nicholas and Mia were lying flat on the floor on their stomachs in what was clearly a children's playroom. A mounted television played cartoons with the sound down, but the two children were presently occupied with a game of "Hungry Hippo", merrily slamming at the buttons controlling each of their hippos. The small coloured balls bounced around the centre as the two children attempted to get their respective hippo to swallow the most balls.

"I win!" laughed Mia.

"Okay." Nicholas conceded, "Let's go again! But I want the red one!"

Both men seemed to blend into one as they held each other up in relief.

"I swear this parenting thing is going to kill me one day!" Noah gasped and Luke shuddered against him as he laughed the knot out of his gut.

"They are both perfectly fine as you can see." said the nurse. "Mia came in with a bad panic attack. But she got over that reasonably quickly and Nicholas has been fine. So long as we left him with Josh or on his own he has played happily in here."

"Oh!" Sighed Luke, "Thank god! We weren't told anything over the phone!"

"Where is Josh?" Noah asked wanting details on what had happened to Mia.

The nurse looked around the room puzzled.

"That's odd." She said. "He was desperate for news on little Mia but I haven't seen him for a while now. Maybe he went out for some air. In which case, he won't know that the scare is over. Poor boy was beside himself!"

At that point Mia noticed them and gave them one of her dazzling smiles. She hopped up and immediately ran into the outstretched arms of the person who happened to be the closest and that was Luke.

Nicholas wasn't far behind and Noah scooped him up.

"Mia felled in the water!" Nicholas informed them importantly.

"She did?" Luke exclaimed; looking over at Noah as the reason for the panic attack became clear. "And then what happened?"

"Josh… he jump-ted in and swam-med her out! And Mia was very scared! Hey Mia?"

Mia nodded, playing shyly with the collar on Luke's shirt.

"But we're all okay now, right?" Noah asked, specifically looking at Mia and reaching over to stroke her face as much as to reassure himself as to placate her.

Mia nodded and Nicholas said, "Yes! Can we go home now? I'm hungry!"

Both men laughed.

"Well!" Luke said, "There's something we didn't already suspect!"

Noah hugged Nicholas too him and sighed deeply in renewed relief.

"Where's Josh?" Noah asked them.

"Josh went outside." Mia said.

"Most likely totally freaked!" Luke said.

Noah returned his gaze, concerned.

Then, since he was still under a driving ban, Luke said, "Noah you take these two home. I'll look for Josh. We'll follow in a cab."

Noah nodded and leaned over the kids' heads to give Luke a kiss. He took Mia from Luke and balanced her on his free hip, "I'll have dinner ready for you guys when you get in."

...

Mia had extremely straight and long ginger hair that reached right to her lower back. And on their walk toward the beach, Josh stopped when he noticed her struggling every time the wind blew the strands into her tiny face.

It was a good excuse to rest for a moment and try to clear his vision, which had steadily become increasingly foggy. He dug into the bag Noah had given him to find one of her hair-bands.

"Let's tie that back for you Mia. Then you can see where you're going." He told her and she nodded, waiting patiently while he looped the blue elastic around her hair a few times. "Better?" he asked her.

She smiled in response and he hooked the bag back over his shoulder and took hold of their hands once more.

"Josh?" Nicholas asked.

"Ah ha?"

"Why don't boys have long hair?" He scratched his nose in the familiar way he did whenever he had something on his mind.

"Well, some do." Josh said. "I mean, Luke's hair is pretty long, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Nicholas nodded, "But not as long as Mia's or Jasmine's."

"Well," Josh tried, his mind not really working and finding it difficult to think up reasons that would make sense to a four year old. "I guess it's so we can tell girls and boys apart. So we can know for sure if somebody is a boy or a girl."

"But a boy can have long hair?" Nicholas asked.

Josh stooped down toward him for a second, "Nicky, it's okay for a person to do whatever they want. So long as it doesn't hurt somebody else. So if a boy wants to have long hair, then that's okay. Same as if a girl wants to cut her hair short."

Josh swallowed hard as he heard those words leave his lips. If only he could stick to them himself!

Nicholas nodded and they continued their walk down the road until they reached the start of the beach, where Josh helped them to remove their sandals before placing the shoes in the shoulder bag.

"Do you like girls?" Nicholas asked taking Josh a little by surprise.

Mia giggled.

"Um," Josh sniffed, "Yes, I like girls." It was an honest answer. He did like girls, just not like THAT. "What about you? Do you like girls?"

Nicholas considered this for a while, "No."

"You don't?" Josh asked, smiling all of a sudden. "Why not?"

"'Cause I don't!" Nicholas stated resolutely.

Josh laughed, "You don't think you'd like to kiss a girl?"

Mia laughed out load this time and Nicholas scowled at her.

"No." Nicholas said, shaking his head with certainty. "Yuck!"

They sauntered onto the beach, no longer having to hold hands. Periodically the kids would find something of interest, a shell or a shiny stone, which they'd show to him and then discard in search of the next treasure.

"What about Mia?" Josh asked him. "She's a girl."

Nicholas smiled, "'Cause Mia's my friend!"

"Yeah." Mia said softly in agreement.

"Oh!" Josh took a deep breath and wavered for a second, suddenly feeling dizzy.

He was afraid to go into the shallows with them in his current state but they were expecting a swim.

He looked ahead of them and spotted the tiny fishing pier where somebody had left a row boat tide to the dock. "Hey guys? How about we go for a ride in that boat over there? Would that be fun?"

"YAY!" Nicholas shouted, seeing the boat and taking off for the pier, leaving tiny footprints in his wake.

"Wait for us on the pier buddy, okay?" Josh shouted, lifting Mia and keeping his eyes on Nicholas.

Mia surprised him then with a gentle peck on the cheek, "I love you Josh." She said shyly.

Josh took in two quick breaths as emotion chocked him. He was feeling guiltier by the minute. This family, every member in it, trusted him wholeheartedly and there he was, stoned! Useless!

He smiled back at her, "I love you too, Mia. Let's go before Nicky gets into trouble!"

"Yes!" Mia agreed, "Nicky is very naughty! Jasmine says so all the time!"

Josh laughed, "She does, hey?"

They reached Nicholas and he popped Mia down before getting into the boat first. It rocked considerably under him and he fell forward, a hand on each side as he steadied it, the wooden boards of its design blurring under him.

He waited for the nausea to pass and then held out his arms for Mia. She jumped into them and he managed to get her seated in the boat without any problems.

"Now just stay still, okay?" He said to her before holding his arms out for Nicholas in the same way.

Nicholas dived for him with a lot less grace and threw the entire boat off balance. Under usual circumstances it would have been nothing for Josh to catch him. But his limps were numb and his brain slow to react. So, although Josh managed to hold onto Nicholas, the boat toppled dangerously to one side and mercilessly didn't overturn.

However it was a hard enough jolt to send the light weight of Mia flying over the side and into the cool blue of the ocean with a quiet plop.

"Mia!" Josh screamed.

She had already vanished under a ripple of water and sea bubbles..

In the back of his mind Josh was confused. He knew Mia could swim. Why didn't she surface?

He half threw Nicholas back up to the dock.

"STAY!" He yelled and then dived in after her, grateful that on this day the water was clear and he could see her right away. He grabbed at her and swiftly pulled her to the surface, swimming back to the stairs of the dock with Mia resting on his chest. The way he'd been taught at school.

She felt stiff as a rock.

His heart pulsated as he drew her up the stairs and dropped onto the pier. She wasn't breathing. She had such a look of utter terror on her face that Josh lost his breath.

"Mia!" He stuttered, patting her frozen cheek. "Oh no - Oh no! Please! Oh my god!"

"Here!" A voice said and he turned to find a lifeguard kneeling beside him. The man must have seen them from the beach.

Josh fell back and let the man take over. Grateful for it.

...

Noah checked his phone again but there was still no message or sign of Luke. He tried calling but again Luke didn't pick up. Most likely he was frantic at not having found Josh at the hospital.

They knew what had happened. Josh was afraid Mia had drowned and had run off in guilt, unable to face it.

Suddenly a car's lights flashed and he opened the front door just in time to see Luke hop out of a cab. He raised his eyebrows in question but Luke shook his head. He looked completely frazzled as he shut the car door and made his way up the path.

Noah slumped. It looked like another long night of worry for the two of them.

"Where would he go?" Noah asked as soon as Luke was in ear shot.

"No idea!" Luke replied, hugging Noah in, "I'm sorry I didn't call, my cell died."

"Oh. I wondered." Noah squeezed him back. "Come inside, I kept your food warm for you."

"Kid's asleep?" Luke asked as they entered and Noah closed the front door.

"Yeah." Noah replied, rubbing at his neck, "Actually, as hungry as they were, I had some difficulty feeding them. The poor little guys were so tuckered out! It's a pig-night for them!"

"Pig-night" was Noah's nickname for the evenings where they let the children go to sleep without a bath.

"Well, it is way past their bedtime!"

Noah sighed, "Josh wanted to take them out on a boat."

Luke turned to him, "What?"

"I guess the boat was there and he thought they might like it. Mia must have fallen in and usually she would have been fine, but…"

"…but Josh doesn't know about her recent fear of deep water!" Luke finished.

Noah nodded, entering the kitchen to grab Luke's plate from the oven and raising his voice so Luke could hear him from in there, "I guess she must have gotten a fright and simply sank to the bottom."

Luke sat heavily at the dining table and waited while Noah placed the plate before him, one hand kneading his shoulder.

"Mmm!" Luke breathed, "That feels good, thanks."

"Don't worry." Noah said, "I'm sure he'll come back once he hears that Mia is okay."

"I feel kinda responsible really." Luke sniffed.

"What?" Noah asked.

"Well, convincing him to take them when he really didn't want to." He lifted his knife and fork but just stared at the food.

"Yeah, but he's really good with them! It was an accident."

"I know, but it's just… We should have told him Noah. About their pasts, you know? If he's watching them he should know about their quirks. So should Jasmine for that matter!"

Noah thought it over for a moment and then nodded, recognising their error himself.

"Hey." He wrapped both arms around Luke's neck and leaned forward, propping himself on Luke's shoulders, "We're still learning here ourselves! Don't be too hard on us, okay?"

Luke laughed. "I love it when you talk about us in the singular!"

Noah smiled and kissed the top of his head, releasing him and patting his shoulder twice, "Eat up! And I don't want to see any left over you hear!"

...

The large green house was dark and for a moment Josh wandered whether anybody was home. But as he came around the side and into the backyard he saw with relief that the light was on in Benoit's bedroom.

Scooping, he picked up a few pebbles from the path and began pelting the window with them, until he saw the face of his friend appear behind the pane.

The French boy's expression changed at once from confusion to recognition and Josh waved up at him. Benoit indicated he should head for the back door.

As soon as Benoit opened the door Josh blurted, "I fucked up! I really fucked up!"

"Mon ami!" Benoit exclaimed, seeing the disquiet on Josh's face. He stepped forward and placed an arm around his shaking friend.

The moment Josh felt Benoit's touch he began to weep.

"Ah, non, je n'aime pas… this, this sadness…" I don't like this sadness, Josh was able to interpret. "What 'as 'appened?"

Josh waited until they were securely hidden behind Benoit's bedroom door before blurting out the entire story. He rattled on and on, barely taking a breath between words and sobs. Trying to speak over the utter panic he felt.

"She's dead! I know she is. She's dead and I did it! Because I was high! And now they'll never forgive me! I've messed up everything! And Mia! Oh god, Mia! What have I done? They'll never trust me again and I'll be-"

Benoit silenced him then with a kiss. A full kiss on his mouth that was unlike any of the kisses Josh had received from his friend before. Because instead of breaking off, Benoit deepened the kiss, using his lips to pry Josh's mouth open and seeking out Josh's tongue with his own.

Josh's head bobbed back once as Benoit's lips left his. If he was struggling to breathe before, it was now for different reasons. Benoit had rendered him suddenly and utterly speechless. His mind went blank.

"Ill est okay." Benoit whispered gently, stroking a hand down Josh's tear-stained face. He stood and turned off the main light switch at the door, so that the only illumination came from the small lamp on the bedside table.

Benoit approached Josh and, standing before him, lit a joint he must have grabbed from atop the dresser. He held it to Josh's lips. Josh inhaled the smoke deeply, his eyes resting on the contours of Benoit's chest, as he gripped the edge of the bed in his hands.

Benoit took a drag himself and bent over to hold Josh's chin between his fingers, pressing their lips back together and blowing the narcotic smoke into Josh's mouth.

Already Josh could feel the particles reaching his blood and streaming quickly through his body as his heart rate elevated. He was beginning to feel more relaxed and forget his fears.

They finished sharing the joint before Benoit pulled Josh up by one hand and moved him to the top of the bed where he pushed his friend down, removed Josh's shoes and laid him out under the covers.

"What?" Josh frowned at him in confusion, suddenly feeling totally detached from the world.

"Relax. I will 'elp you."

Benoit searched a nearby shoe holder for a specific sneaker, from which he withdrew a bag of blue circular tablets Josh had never seen before. He extracted two and returned to lie next to Josh.

They faced each other and Benoit placed a pill on his tongue, leaning in for another kiss and transferred the small blue roundness over to Josh. Josh swallowed and opened his eyes to stare longingly into Benoit's and watch as the boy swallowed the second pill himself.

"I 'elp you forget." Benoit said softly and drew Josh toward him so that Josh's cheek rested against his chest and their legs intertwined. "Sleep, mon ami…"

Josh closed his eyes, enjoying the way his head rose and fell to the breath in Benoit's chest.

He had a vague thought that he needed to tell Luke and Noah something but he gave up.

He let the drug take him.

I hope you like this one!