Luke continued to watch Noah's concentrated brow for as long as he could stand it, but eventually he released a loud and exasperated sigh.
Noah looked up at Luke through his lashes, "What?"
"Are you going to move anytime soon or are we going to be playing this game all week?" Luke pouted.
"Hey!" Noah said with mock annoyance from his side of the sofa. "While he was teaching you to play, did Reid ever happen to tell you you're way too impatient for the game of chess?"
"No he didn't…" Luke replied. Then after a long pause, "He said I was too impulsive, actually."
Noah smiled his agreement and moved his black pawn up one square.
Luke sniggered merrily to himself as his white knight took Noah's offered pawn.
"What's so funny?" a suspicious Noah asked him.
"First rule of chess Noah… Never give any pieces away for free!"
"I didn't!" Noah insisted. "That move was part of my cunning plan, actually…"
"Oh really?" Luke raised an eyebrow at him.
Noah laughed. "Who made up that rule anyway, you or Reid?"
As he spoke, Noah decided to move his remaining bishop diagonally left.
"That rule's mine actually." Luke replied. "But this one…" Luke moved his castle over one square. "…this rule is Reid's! Check mate!"
He grinned cheekily at Noah.
"It's not fair you know." Noah grumbled flicking his king over. "I wasn't trained by a grand master!"
"All it takes is practise. Wanna go again?"
"And lose again? No thank you! But…"
"But…?"
"There is something I would like to do…" He lifted his blue eyes to focus in on Luke.
Luke knew that deliberate look well and his body instantly started to tingle. "Oh, yeah?"
Noah crawled over the sofa toward him. The chess board which had lain between them went flying onto the floor, along with most of the pieces and Luke laughed at the chaos Noah was creating.
"This…" Noah said with a grin. On arms and legs he dipped his head for a second and then pressed their lips together. Luke felt his tongue pass over something solid and he quizzically drew back.
He lifted his thumb and finger to his mouth and withdrew the saliva soaked pawn Noah had so seductively passed over to him.
"Only you would find a way to make chess sexy." Luke laughed, grabbing at Noah's neck and drawing him closer so that he fell backward on top of the remaining chess pieces; with his head in Luke's lap.
Noah smiled up at him and cupped his cheek.
Luke was just bending over for another taste of him when his cell phone buzzed.
They both sighed.
"Hold that thought." Luke instructed and Noah lifted his upper body to allow Luke loose from the sofa.
Luke searched the various surfaces for his phone and found it on the dining table.
"Hello?" he said without checking the display.
"Luke? It's Josh."
It was instantly clear that the boy was upset.
"Hey? Are you okay?"
Noah must have seen the look on Luke's face because he got up to approach him.
"Not really… Can you come get me?"
Luke sadly shook his head at Noah while getting directions to Josh's location.
"Okay, kid. Sit tight, we'll be there as soon as we can."
...
Benoit found a relatively quiet lookout point along Mulholland drive. There were a few other vehicles parked there; tourists mostly; enjoying the magnificent eagle-eye view over Los Angeles.
Wanting privacy, he parked as far from the other cars as possible.
Josh hadn't said a word on the drive up, he'd just stared at the world passing by the window, sniffing.
Occasionally Benoit would look over at him, frowning, but he remained silent, sensing that this was what Josh wanted.
The car stopped and Josh didn't hesitate to climb out. He slammed the door and shuffled over to the barrier fringing the edge of the road; which dropped steeply down a rocky outcrop.
He clenched his fists at his sides; his head turning slowly a full 180 as his eyes took in the expanse of the view; and then he released a scream of frustration so loud it caused an entire flock of blackbirds to take flight from the trees in a flutter of wings.
He screamed at the resulting echoes for at least a minute more and then stood breathless, chest heaving in and out. He looked back toward the car, where Benoit sat on the hood, already smoking a joint and watching him with interest.
"You are... what do zay call it…? Crazy fucked up!" A calm Benoit stated.
A tearstained Josh stared at his friend for a heartbeat and then burst out laughing, keeling over and clenching his stomach in hysterics. Benoit joined in, grinning madly, and they loudly laughed for some time; until Josh eventually joined Benoit on the hood of the car.
"Fuck it!" Josh said, pulling his feet up and hugging in his knees.
They sat in silence for a while.
Benoit drew on his joint. He let out puffs of smoke from the corners of his mouth, white wisps that curled past his head and briefly fogged his features before disappearing into the cool afternoon breeze.
Josh sat alongside Benoit feeling suddenly very much alive, excited, finding the fresh air and his friend's relaxed company exhilarating; even through the omnipresent and tempting smell of smoke.
Suddenly all of life's possibilities spread out before him in a tantalizing array of limitless prospects. He was free! He was, he realised, completely out from under parental control and could do what he wanted.
How many other teens could say that?
Maybe he'd join the Marines and sail around the world with them…
Benoit took one more puff of his joint and then passed the stub over to Josh, but Josh shook his head.
"You no want?" Benoit asked, surprised.
"I can't, man." Josh said, lying back on the hood of the car. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to! A lot! But, I was really lucky, you know? That Luke and Noah took me in. And they're counting on me…"
Benoit nodded his understanding. "I miss you at ze school."
Josh smiled. "Thanks."
"For what?"
"For sticking with me..."
Benoit shrugged like it was no big deal. "You are fun guy…"
Josh rolled onto his elbow and admired his friend. He leaned over and kissed Benoit. The kiss felt great and he wanted more, it wasn't enough this time. He wanted to feel Benoit's arms around him. He wanted Benoit to make everything all right again. But as Josh made a move to get closer to him, the other boy pushed him back.
"I like ze girls, Josh… yes?"
Benoit was looking deeply into his eyes and Josh saw he meant it. Benoit smiled at him.
"You are nice… ze kiss… it nice, but it just kisses… yes?" Benoit tried to explain.
Josh didn't understand what he meant by that but he nodded none-the-less lying back down beside him. He was disappointed but not surprised. He'd always suspected as much anyway.
Benoit lit another joint and then lay back beside Josh staring up at the puffy clouds that seemed to be gravitating together into darker grey masses that would later result in rain.
"I wish I could be more like you, Benoit." Josh whispered.
They lay on the car for hours, just talking, passing the time with random conversation and carefully staying clear of the topic which had brought them there.
Instead, Benoit launched into a lengthy, bewildering storytelling, partially in English, partially in French, which Josh could scarcely comprehend. He was sure he was interpreting the story incorrectly, but he kept nodding, listening and enjoying the rise and fall of Benoit's accent none the less.
"So, tomorrow we go."
"Sorry?" Josh's thought's had drifted off into a thankful kind of nothingness for a minute and he hadn't been concentrating on what Benoit was saying.
"We go home… tomorrow."
"Who does?" Josh asked.
"I zay… my papa et maman zey concilier? Zey, together again… Papa and me, we move back to Paris… tomorrow."
Josh shot up to a seated position. "You're leaving?"
Benoit lay with one hand behind his head while the other held the joint in place so that he could draw enticingly on it. He looked up at Josh and nodded.
"You're leaving. For good. Tomorrow. And you only thought to tell me this now?" Josh asked annoyed and then realised something. "Hang on! You ran into me by accident just now… so were you EVER going to tell me? Or were you just going to leave? Like that! Without a word!"
Benoit seemed surprised by Josh's sudden outburst.
"You know me…" he said matter-of-factly, "I do what 'appens next…"
"Yeah!" Josh spat, "Whatever! Thanks for nothing!" He jumped off the hood of the car. "Fuck you, Benoit!"
Josh turned and began the long walk back down to central Los Angeles.
"'ey?" he heard Benoit call. "Where are you going?"
Josh didn't turn around. He left Benoit parked there and sped up his gait. Once he knew he had rounded the bend and was out of sight he allowed the shakes to take over.
He couldn't feel his legs anymore so he took a seat on a boulder behind some bushes. That way if Benoit followed in his car, he wouldn't see Josh from the road.
Benoit, beautiful Benoit, his last remaining friend… gone for good.
Josh wanted a hit then. It was a good thing he was up in the hills or he would have headed right for Dean and his supplies.
Instead he rooted in his jeans for his phone and pressed dial.
It rang for a while and he panicked thinking there'd be no answer, but then he heard the friendly, "Hello?"
"Luke? It's Josh."
"Hey? Are you okay?"
"Not really… Can you come get me?"
...
In the end Noah went alone to fetch Josh. Nicholas and Mia were having an afternoon nap and Luke was still under a driving ban.
He found the boy standing in the rain, tossing stones down into the valley below. Josh's stressed face turned into pure relief at the sight of Noah's truck.
"Hey." Noah greeted as Josh stepped up into the cab and closed the door. "How did you end up why out here?"
Josh reached back to pull the seatbelt round his body and click it into place.
"Can we not talk about it?" He asked, pushing the wet strands of hair out of his face.
"Sure." Noah nodded and they drove home in silence.
Luke was feeding the kids their dinner by the time they walked in the door.
"Hello, Josh!" Nicholas yelled excitedly, making a move to leave his chair.
"Oh, no you don't!" Luke exclaimed. "After dinner, okay buddy?"
Nicholas nodded. "Josh, we're having sausage!"
"That's great, Nicky." Josh replied, obviously trying to muscle enthusiasm up from a place where he didn't feel it. "Eat up, okay?"
Nicholas nodded as he eagerly stuck the sausage-clad fork in his mouth and happily chewed.
"Yum!" Mia exclaimed beside Nicholas as Luke cut her sausage into small pieces.
Once the kids were occupied with their meals, Luke approached Josh and gave him a hug. "You okay?"
Luke froze for a minute, staring at Noah over Josh's back. He pulled out of the hug, gripping Josh by his elbows and looking him in the eyes.
"Josh, have you been smoking weed?"
Josh looked horrified, stepping back and lifting his collar to smell himself. He shook his head wildly at them. "No! I swear! Benoit was smoking! I didn't have any! You can ask him!"
"Benoit?" Noah asked. "Your French friend?"
Josh nodded.
"He wasn't with you when I picked you up?"
"No." Josh said, walking past Luke and then turning to face them. "He picked me up on the side of the road this afternoon after…"
"…after?" a worried Luke asked.
Josh's eye's welled with tears and he shook his head. "Please. I don't want to talk about it."
"Josh?" Luke approached him and hugged the boy again. "Josh? What happened at lunch, today?"
"It was completely fucked up!" Josh exclaimed and then remembered the children and pulled out of the embrace to slap a hand over his mouth.
"Sorry." He said.
"It's okay." Noah replied. "Why don't you take a seat? I'll make us all a drink and we can talk this through. It's obvious you're upset."
After Nicholas and Mia had finished eating and were occupied with a pile of toys, Josh set about telling them the afternoon's events.
"So, do you still want to tell me she'll come around?" Josh asked, sniffing.
Luke countered that with a story of his own.
...
Luke was done! He was done with the lying and he was done with the pretending and he was definitely sick to the stomach from the pressure of hiding. Things were totally out of control.
He was drinking past the point of return. And to his horror, he was finding the effects of alcohol more and more appealing and difficult to resist.
And, Jade, who for a while had pretended to be his girlfriend, was now throwing herself at his father in her desperate attempt to remain in the Snyder home.
He should never have accepted help from this girl who had lied about being his Aunt Rose's daughter and was a proven thief.
No matter what happened. Not matter the result. He had to come out! Right now! He had to tell his parents the truth!
He paced the carpet of the sitting room nervously awaiting this father, who at that very moment was telling Jade to leave for good.
Luke started speaking as soon as Holden walked through the front door. "Dad… Dad, I am so sorry! This is all my fault."
"You are not responsible for Jade's actions."
"No, I am. I am!" Luke insisted. "I'm the only reason that she's here! This whole thing is just so…!" He turned away and then back again. "I can't believe she tried to kiss you!"
Sensing that his son was in some kind of state of crisis, Holden tried to talk down the kiss with Jade.
"You know what?" he said, "People… I don't know… they… they do crazy things just after breakups." Holden dismissed that and asked with concern, "How about you? I mean, this was your first real relationship... Must be tough on you? It's probably Jade's first real relationship as well."
"Dad, the only thing that's tough on Jade is finding another place to live. There was no breakup."
"Sure looks like a breakup to me."
"Yeah, but that's all it was… was looks. There was no breakup because there was no relationship."
Holden frowned at him. "Okay… so… maybe Jade wasn't the one. You learn from experience. There will be other girls…"
"No Dad." Luke sighed, "There won't. This whole thing with Jade was a scam."
"You mean how she got here?" Holden asked.
"I mean… everything between us." Luke could feel his heart pounding as the moment grew closer. "We weren't in love."
"Well maybe it wasn't that kind of love."
"We never slept together. There was nothing between us!" Luke said the last two sentences over his father, sensing that his father was perhaps, in some way, trying to prevent his words.
"You told your Mom and me that…"
"I know. I lied."
They stood staring at each other. Each waiting for the other to continue.
Finally Luke did, "So, you gonna ask?"
There was a pause as Holden tried to collect his thoughts. "You said that you had something to tell me, so I assume you will."
Luke began to understand.
"But I don't need to… do I?" he asked his father. "'Cause… 'cause you already know…"
"I don't know anything." Holden replied. "I've wondered… about a lot of things…"
Luke shook his head. "But you never asked… because you didn't want to know… and I understand that."
"Well good because I don't. I love you. You're my son. That never changes."
Luke felt his palms getting sweaty. "Yeah?"
Luke so needed to believe his father meant what he said.
"Yeah." Holden's answer was sure and steadfast. "It's just you and me. Tell me…"
Luke smiled at him. "Look at you! You're just standing there! Always so patient."
His breath shuddered.
Holden nodded, "That never changes."
"Well, you say that now, but…"
"No. I mean it." Holden insisted. "There's nothing that you can't tell me."
Luke nodded his head a few times. "Okay. Okay. The reason that Jade will be the only girlfriend I ever have is because…"
"Ah, that is not true." His heavily pregnant mother entered the room.
"Wha…?"
"I'm sorry to interrupt but, I can't sit still at that!" Lily exclaimed, walking over to where her two boys stood. "Jade is not the only girl in the world, Honey!"
"Lily…" Holden said, trying to rescue the situation. "Luke and Jade broke up…"
"Oh…" Lily replied. "That's good."
"…and he was about to tell us…"
"Oh I know…" she said with her usual caring nature, gripping him by his elbows. "Honey… I know… I see it. I see you're hurting. But you'll heal. That girl was not right for you."
Luke felt like crying. "Yeah, but Mom, no girl would ever be…"
"Oh, I know… I know it feels like that right now…" she continued, oblivious to how hard she was making the moment for him. "…that you'll never find somebody that means that much to you. But that's not true. You're a wonderful guy…"
"Mom! Mom!" He kept trying to gain her attention but she wasn't listening.
"I know! I'm sorry. I'm biased…"
Eventually Luke had to raise his voice, "Mom, please stop!"
"…I apologise but, you're smart and sensitive and caring… and you're so handsome! And girls are going to be falling all over you…"
"Lily!" Holden tried to interrupt where Luke had failed. "We were in the middle of something…"
Lily looked disappointed that she wasn't wanted. "Oh. Oh, I'm sorry…"
Luke felt terrible. "No…"
"…I didn't mean to interrupt you two…"
"No Mom, it's okay. Please! Please stay."
"Is that what you want?" Holden asked.
"Yeah. Yeah. Let me just… let me just do this once." Luke was amazed at how hard this was.
"What's going on?" Lily asked, looking between the two of them and for the first time sensing the tension in the air.
"Luke has something that he needs to tell us." Holden explained.
This was his moment. Luke took a deep breath. "I've done some pretty rotten things in the last few months and I've made your lives so much harder than they needed to be."
"Honey, I am fine." His mother insisted.
"I know. I mean I hope so." His throat kept closing up on him, making it difficult to speak. "I'm counting on that because I'm just so tired of lying."
"About?" Lily asked.
"About me. About who I am." Then after a pause, "I'm gay." When Lily's face fell Luke quickly jumped in. "I'm sorry Mom. I'm so sorry."
"You're gay?" she whispered, checking she had heard him right.
"Yeah." Luke whispered back.
There was a long pause between the three of them which eventually became too much for Luke and he said, "Please say something!"
But to his horror, his mother remained silent, turned her back and walked away from him. He felt panic rise up inside.
"Luke," his father tried to explain away his mother's behaviour. "I think your Mom just needs a little time."
"Dad, this is not going to go away! This a part of who I am!"
"Luke, nobody is..."
"And Mom, it's not like I just woke up this morning and decided to be gay. This is something I've been carrying around for years! And… now that it's out… I've got to talk! I've got to talk! It hurts too much to just keep it in like it's some kind of contagious disease or something! I lied because I didn't want to hurt you, but I ended up hurting you anyways and I hurt myself too. And… I guess I was just so afraid… I was so afraid of seeing this look on your face and… and the disappointment in Dad's eyes! And not just for today, but for the rest of my life!"
He was babbling, he knew he was, but now the plug had been pulled and he needed to say all the things he'd stored up in his heart for years!
"Luke…" his father placated, "…don't be getting any assumptions here…"
"No, no… I know what she's feeling. She doesn't have to say a word. I know she hates me."
Luke wanted her to refute his words. He wanted her to speak up. But she turned her back to him once more.
"Please say something!" he pleaded with her.
She faced him.
"I don't… I really have no idea what to say…" she mumbled, staring at him as though seeing him for the first time.
"Lily? Holden softly said. "I know that this is a lot to take in…"
"Did you know about this?" she accused him.
"I… I suspected…" he admitted. "But I didn't know for sure and then, with Jade in the picture…"
"That's right!" Lily exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. "Jade!" She turned to her son. "I… I found you two in bed together… Wha… what was that about?"
Luke shook his head. "The whole thing with Jade was just… just for effect…"
"So… so you had sex with that girl just to cover up this truth that you're so sure about?" she asked.
"No, Mom. I never had sex with Jade. I've never had sex with any girl."
The thin thread of hope she had clung to then snapped, so she changed tactics.
"That just proves it!" she said. "You don't have any experience to base this on. Honey, you are too young to know what you want! You can't be sure."
"I am sure."
"What about that massive crush you had on Meredith last summer?"
"Oh Mom, we were just friends!" Luke insisted.
"What about all the other girls that come in and out of this house?"
"They're friends. Not girlfriends. I never thought about them in the way other guys did. I guess… Look, Mom. I can't even remember not ever feeling gay."
"Ag! This has been a very difficult year for everyone, especially for you. You were sick. Your grandmother's been ill. Your father and I got back together again. It's normal to be confused."
"I'm not confused."
"I think we need to give Luke the benefit of the doubt here." Holden's voice had warning in it, as he tried to protect his son by getting her to see what she was doing to him.
"This is a decision that will affect the rest of his life!" She exclaimed as though Holden didn't already know that.
"Mom…This is not a decision." Luke tried to explain.
"This is something that he's been living with for a very long time." Holden told her.
"This is very new for me!" she said almost with anger. "Excuse me!"
"Mom, please, just don't be angry." Luke begged.
"I'm not angry. I'm so sad. For you! I look at you and I just see my seven year old little boy running around this house… He used to tell me everything! About what happened at school, about what happened with his friends! You used to tell me all your secrets… What happened?"
"Mom, don't make this about you."
"No!" she exclaimed, "This is not about…! Well, it is about me! And it's about you and your sisters and your father! It's about us and your family!"
"No, Mom!" Luke as adamant now, "This is about me! This about MY life!"
"He's right." Holden was trying to keep his voice even.
Lily ran a hand over her forehead and laughed in frustration.
"So you're just… you're just willing to accept this?" she asked her husband.
"He's our son." Holden reminded her. "This is who he is and you need to respect that truth."
"How can you be so calm about this?" she asked Holden. "Don't you have any feelings about it at all?"
"Of course I do."
"You're standing there like the voice of reason and I'm falling apart."
"Mom!"
"Luke!" his father held a hand out to him. "I think your Mom has a right to her feelings."
"Don't talk for me, please!" she spat.
"Lily! I think that Luke needs to know that you still love him and accept him."
To her credit she paused for only a moment.
"Of course I love you." She expressed to Luke.
But before she could continue Jade walked in the room. Lily took one look at her and flew in her direction.
"Ah, yes!" Lily yelled. "I was wondering when you'd show up!"
"What are you doing here?" Luke asked Jade; standing between her and his mother.
"I wanna help." Jade told him.
"You can't help! Go!"
"No!" Lily insisted. "I want Jade to stay! How long has she known? Has she known since the first day she was here? I want to hear what Jade has to say about all of this!"
"I already explained about Jade." Luke told her.
"No!" Lily yelled again. "I want to hear it from her!"
"Lily! I think Jade should leave." Holden said, trying to defuse the situation.
"Are you okay?" Jade asked Luke, and for a moment Luke thought he saw genuine concern.
"I'm fine and my Dad's right!" Luke told her. "Please, go!"
"I'm just trying to help!" She indignantly told him.
"By getting Luke to lie to us?" Lily asked.
"I didn't think you were ready to hear the truth." Jade counted.
"Oh stop it Jade!" Luke shouted at her, annoyed. "The only thing you care about is having a roof over your head."
"And I was willing to work for it!" She explained. "I spent hours with the girls when you were in the hospital! Doing the laundry…"
"Oh Please!" Lily shouted. "The only thing I remember about you is you being naked in my son's room with a sheet wrapped around you."
"I know…" Luke said, standing once more in front of Jade and addressing his mother directly. "…and I never should have gone alone with that! I'm sorry!"
"So this is all my fault?" Jade bellowed. "Holden, you were they one who pushed me to be with him! To play the girlfriend!" Then to Luke. "He practically begged me to make you straight!"
"Shut up!" Luke warned, gripping her elbows.
The situation was getting way out of control.
"Face it, Lily!" Jade told her. "The biggest liar in this room isn't me or Luke! It's your own husband!"
"What is she talking about?" Lily asked him.
"Does the name Kevin Davies sound familiar?" Jade asked.
"Get out!" Luke barked.
"Yip! That's right! Luke had a big-old man crush on Kevin…"
"Stop it, Jade!" Holden instructed.
But Jade was on a roll. "Yeah! And Holden grilled me about it and practically begged me to hang out with Luke."
"That is not true." Luke stated with confidence.
"Yes!" Holden admitted. "I encouraged it. So, if we are going to get everything out in the open, let's start with me. I confided in Jade because I thought that Luke was hiding something from us."
Lily glared at him. "So you gave this so called relationship your blessing?"
"No!" But then Holden relented. "Yes, I did. The day you found them together. The truth is I was… I was relieved."
"And it never occurred to you to come and talk to me about any of this?" Lily asked him.
"Lily, I tried but you were upset. I didn't want to worry you with the baby and…"
"Please don't use my health as an excuse!"
"It's not an excuse!"
Luke felt his world falling apart. "Please don't argue."
"Luke, it's time that we just deal with life as it is and not how we want it to be." Holden commanded. "And this is a family matter." He said directly to Jade. "You're not a member of this family so you need to leave."
He took Jade by her shoulder and escorted her from the room, leaving Luke and Lily in an awkward silence.
"I know you might not believe me," Luke told her eventually, "but I never meant to hurt you or Dad."
Lily took a deep breath. "Jade lied to us… about Rose. You knew she was a thief and you turned to her. You didn't turn to your parents."
"I didn't know what else to do."
"I look at you and all the moments I envisioned for you… all the moments I could see in your future… this is definitely not one that has crossed my mind! I have to tell you that!"
"Maybe it has and you just pushed it away like Dad did?" he asked hopefully.
"I guess that's possible. I don't know… There are so many things that I'm just not sure about…"
"Like what?"
But Luke wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to that.
"Like who you are…"
His heart stung. "I'm still me, Mom. That hasn't changed. I know… I know it might feel like it but it…"
"Okay… We are going to be honest today, right? That's what… This is what today's supposed to be about… So I have to be really honest with you… For the first time in your life, I don't know how to be your mother!"
Because he knew she wouldn't stop him, and with a deep pain that he'd never known before, Luke walked away from his mother and left her alone in the room.
...
"Just like you I thought for sure she would never accept it." Luke said. "But she did."
Josh smiled at him. "I'm glad for you Luke. But your telling of that story is completely different from mine. Your father was okay with it! And your mother still said she loved you. She didn't stand by and watch you get beat up and kicked out of the house! She didn't ignore you for weeks! I mean… it was a shock for her! Of course it was! But..."
"Look, Josh, I know our situations are different." Luke agreed. "I get that. But Marion is a good person. I can't believe she'd just forget her oldest child… her son!"
"You didn't see her face." Josh looked down at his hands. "She's different with me… It's not like before. She looks right through me now."
Luke and Noah shared a sad glance.
"Thank you guys… for everything." Josh continued. "I know you're telling me this because you want to give me some hope but… It hurts too much to hope and then have her throw it back in my face… and…after today I know. At least I now know for sure! She will never take me back as I am. It's time I accept that."
Noah made as if to say something, because he felt he should, but then realised he had nothing to say; nothing that would help this kid come to terms with his circumstance.
And so it was Luke who came up with the words of comfort. Of course, Noah thought, it would be.
"Well, whatever happens, we love you… and we're happy to have you around. You know that right?"
Josh nodded. "I think you should take me back to rehab in the morning… I can't promise I won't…"
"It's okay." Luke smiled. "I understand."
"Thanks."
Josh stood and left for his room but turned halfway to say, "Um, just so you know… I love you guys too."
...
Sunday morning Noah quickly demolished a slice of toast so that he could finish before Nicholas tried to lift the glass of orange juice by himself.
"Wait, wait!" he said, grabbing the glass just in time. "That's Luke's orange juice, Nicky."
"I'm thirsty!"
"If you get thirsty then you ask me for a drink, okay?" Noah opened the fridge, grabbed a juice box, and punched the hole with the straw before handing it over to Nicholas.
"Thank you." Nicholas beamed.
"What do you want, Mia? Apple?"
Mia nodded as she ate her porridge. "Yes please."
"Noah!" he heard Luke bellow from down the passage.
"Okay, eat nicely you two! I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay." They both sang.
Noah padded barefoot down the passage and found a very wet and naked Luke hiding behind their bedroom door. Noah's eyebrow lifted questioningly. "A bit early for a striptease isn't it?"
"Ha! Ha!" Luke replied. "I forgot to get a fresh towel from the hall closet before I got in the shower."
"Hmm." Noah said, trying to peer around the door.
"Noah, stop it!" Luke laughed.
"Maybe I should make a habit of hiding the towels! I certainly enjoy the resulting view!"
"Noah! Please! One of the kids could show up at any moment!"
Noah relented at that, sighing. "I know… such a shame!"
He grabbed a towel and chucked it back over his shoulder for Luke to catch, then used his foot to close the closet door.
"Now get a move on! Your breakfast is getting cold!"
"Is Josh up yet?"
"No, but he dresses pretty quick. Give him a few more minutes to sleep and then bang on the door. That usually does it."
He returned to the kitchen to find that Mia had emptied half of the syrup bottle into her porridge. She didn't seem the least bit concerned with this problem. If anything she seemed to highly enjoy the extra sweet porridge before her.
"Oh, no you don't!" Noah laughed. "Mia! What have I told you about touching the syrup?"
"You said don't touch the syrup."
He shook his head at her. "Well, I'm sorry baby, but you can't eat porridge like this."
"But I like it!" she sweetly smiled, sticky liquid running down her chin.
"I'm sure you do! But I don't want you bouncing off the walls all day!"
"What?" asked Nicholas, curiously. "How does she bounce?"
"It's an expression." Noah explained, using a wipe to clean Mia's face and hands.
"What's an ex… expleshon?"
Noah sighed and ruffled Nicholas's head, "It's when I say one thing to mean another."
Nicholas frowned in confusion. "I don't get it."
"Don't worry, buddy, one day you will understand… okay?"
"When?"
"When you are big and have your own children."
He cleaned up the mess Mia made and poured her another ladle of porridge from the pot on the stove.
"How about I add the syrup this time, Sweet?"
She nodded and watched as he dripped the syrup and placed the bowl in front of her.
"Now eat up! We're going to drop Josh off at school and then we're going to the park!"
"Yay!" Nicholas cheered. "Is Josh coming?"
"No, Nicky. I just said Josh is going to school."
"Man!" he complained but he didn't say any more about it.
Luke arrived, dressed, and grabbed himself some toast, quickly adding a blob of peanut butter before taking a bite.
"Coffee?" Noah asked, even though he knew what the answer would be.
As his mouth was stuffed, Luke nodded and Noah turned to pour him a cup.
After his first sip, Luke said, "I knocked on Josh's door so he should be getting a move on."
Okay, can you finish up with the kids while I change?"
"Sure." Luke smiled and kissed Noah on the cheek before taking a seat with the children.
Noah took only fifteen minutes to shower and dress.
He made his way back down the passage and could see Luke already putting shoes on the kids.
He stopped by Josh's door and knocked.
"Josh?"
There was no answer so he tried again, louder this time. "Josh? It's almost time to go."
Again there was no reply so he opened the door and entered.
The curtains were drawn and the room was pretty dark.
Josh lay asleep on his back, right on the edge of the double bed; one arm flung off the side. A sheet covered his lower half and, because it had been a muggy night, he'd removed his shirt to stay cool. It lay in a crumpled ball by the bed.
"Josh?" Noah gently called, reaching over to shake him by his shoulder.
The jolt of that touch sent his arm flying back like he'd been stung. The air left his lungs and every part of his skin felt suddenly inflicted with pins and needles.
His widening eyes moved from the bed to the side table where a candle, needle, spoon and other evidence lay abandoned.
Quickly, he felt for a pulse, praying for one. He held the cold wrist between his fingers but it was no use. He already knew that. He didn't need to check to know.
He stood frozen as blood pounded in his ears and panic threatened to overwhelm him. He stood staring at the sight before him and reacted only when he heard Luke call his name.
"Noah?"
Luke, oh no…
Pulling himself upright, stiffening, he left the room, closing the door and briefly leaning back into it, gasping for air.
He began the short walk to the sitting room but something had happened to his knees. He felt as though he would sink down with ever step, and yet somehow stayed upright. The world struck him as suddenly so disjointed.
He wasn't sure how he reached the entrance to the passage but as he did, he couldn't hold himself up and so leaned into the frame. He watched his family happily preparing to leave for the day, realising that this moment would change things forever.
Luke looked up at him then.
Noah thought he was holding himself together quite well, considering the circumstances but the look on Luke's face spoke otherwise.
The man immediately approached him. "Baby, what's the matter?"
The moment Luke was in range Noah's need for him took control and he grabbed at him, clutching Luke to his chest and squeezing tightly.
"Noah?" Luke's voice was heavy with worry, "What's the matter?"
Noah's chin rested on Luke's shoulder as he watched the kids playing by the front door. He fought to find his voice and finally managed to croak in Luke's ear. "Josh is…"
"Noah?" Luke was trying to pull out of the hold but Noah wouldn't let him.
"Josh isn't ready so… you go..." it hurt when he swallowed. "Order a cab… take the kids and go."
Luke did pull back then and Noah tried to look away. But it was no use. Eventually their eyes locked for a minute and it was all Luke needed. His face dissolved into fright and denial and he immediately tried to squeeze out of Noah's iron grasp to get down the passage.
"No!" Noah begged, clinging to him, speaking softly into his ear, "Please… please, Luke, please... please…"
Luke stopped fighting him for just a moment, dropping into the embrace and holding Noah back just as tightly.
"You don't have to." Noah whispered, pressing his cheek up against Luke's. "I'll handle it. You can leave… I'll handle everything…Please…"
But Luke pushed really hard at that and Noah lost his grip on the man. As Luke broke free and moved down the passage Noah knew what would happen and his instinct immediately kicked in.
"Hey guys?" he called, trying desperately to keep a steady voice. "We're not ready yet so why don't you play in the yard for a minute.
"Okay!" They both joyfully replied and ran through the glass door as Noah opened it.
As soon as Mia's tiny foot crossed the threshold, Noah slammed the glass sliding door closed behind them. He was just in time. Luke's earth shattering howl of anguish carried up the passage and stabbed at Noah's heart.
"NO! OH MY GOD, NO! JESUS!"
Noah cried then. He leaned back against the glass door, one hand still holding fast to the handle the other covering his mouth to block a scream of his own. Tears ran down his cheeks and he slid ever so slightly toward the floor; only just keeping himself up.
Then he felt sick. He scrambled for the kitchen and threw up in the sink, coughing and spattering through tears and snot and bile.
As Luke's screams subsided so did Noah's sobs and he quickly washed out his face and mouth before stumbling back down the passage.
It was during this walk that he began the careful construction of an iron box, deep within his soul. And he pushed his own feelings down into it, forcing them inside until he could close the lid and lock it shut.
The box shook and shuddered, threatening to break open, his heart clenching at the sight of Luke, kneeling by the bed. But by now his eyes were dry and his mind was focussed on one thing – Take care of Luke.
Luke had Josh pulled over him, so the boy's head rested on his shoulder and his brown curls cascaded down Luke's back. Josh's bare arms hung on either side of Luke, as Luke held him there, rocking back and forth, repeating one word over and over in a muttered breath, "Why? Why? Why? Why?"
Noah crumbled forward, fell to his knees, and wrapped both Luke and Josh in his arms.
...
I'm really hoping there isn't going to be a Seajellybaby murder by Nukies after this one...