It was impossible to believe.

As Noah sat mummified at the dinner table, he must have said 'um' and 'I don't know' to at least a dozen questions the police officer by his side was asking him.

And everything seemed so clamorous. He could hear every footstep, every breath and the heartbeat of every single one of the policemen and paramedics that swarmed through their home like invading bees.

It was as though somebody had pressed the slow-mo button in his brain and now everybody else seemed to be moving at double-speed, whizzing and whooshing past him in flurries of white coats and silver badges.

And he would forever remember Luke's face as it was. He'd seen that look only twice before since the day they met. Once when they believed Holden had died in a car accident and again when Reid was taken.

Luke had this way of looking at him with a frightening starkness; an unblinking pair of eyes moving over his face, asking for relief Noah couldn't provide.

However much he wanted too.

And that was how Luke was looking at him now from across the room, as he sat in an armchair while a paramedic treated him for shock.

"Take this away, Noah." Luke's eyes begged, "Save me."

And their eyes continued to lock as the body-bag was wheeled between them and out through the front door.

He saw Luke falter then, a slight trembling of the lower lip that signalled the start of panic.

"Mr Snyder?" The officer was saying, having asked a question of Noah to which he had yet to respond.

Noah whispered a hurried 'excuse me' to the officer, as he flew across the room to scoop the devastated Luke in his trembling arms.

"It's okay… Shh… I'm here…"

And then finally, only a few hours later, he shut the front door to the world and it was just the two of them. And it was so silent, as if the walls too were grieving.

He sat where Luke sat, on the other side of the sofa and they both simply stared ahead. There was this terrible feeling like he should be doing something… anything… but there was nothing to be done.

Josh was gone.

"Jasmine says she'll keep the kids for as long as we need."

Luke nodded almost imperceptivity.

"And your folks should be in the air by now, so…"

"I can't believe this is happening."

"I know."

Glassy-eyed Luke looked right at him. "Is it our fault?"

Noah shook his head with insistence. "No. We did everything we could, Luke."

"We SENT him away!" he replied, almost with horror.

Noah sighed. "Luke, Josh understood why we did that. I know he did."

Luke looked away again, but nodded.

"Do you think he…" his voice broke, "…Do you think he did it on purpose?"

Again Noah shook his head, "I don't know, baby."

Still watching Luke, Noah saw the sobs starting and lifted the man to rest across the sofa with Luke's head in his lap. Mechanically, Noah began to stroke his hair, soothing him.

Within himself Noah felt like an android. Human-less. Devoid of feeling. Wooden.

He was acutely aware of the fact that the thin layer of numbness covering the iron box inside was the only thing keeping him from screaming out loud.

He stared straight ahead at the wall, trying to accept this reality.

He couldn't stop replying the last sight he'd had of Josh. The boy had been smiling at them. He had seemed okay. They could never have imagined he was about to pull the door closed on his entire life.

For Noah, at that moment, there didn't seem to be any tears to shed. Noah thought of never again seeing Josh, hearing his voice, his laughter, and he felt an empty aching inside - just a hollow pain but still no tears.

As he slipped further into a kind of silent solidness, Luke's crying gained in volume, his entire frame shuddering and his tears wetting through Noah's jeans to the skin of his thighs.

Luke's grief, unlike his own, was so visible. So much so that he seemed, within only a few hours, to have aged. His eyes were circled with sorrow and his being soaked in it.

Dry-eyed and terrified, Noah grew angry, unreasonably angry. All that time of working so hard to help Josh, all come to nothing. It was ended. Snuffed out like the last candle on a cold night.

A stupid waste of a beautiful life… Just so senseless!

Eventually, exhausted, Luke fell asleep and Noah carefully stood, arranging a few cushions under his blonde head.

He entered the room that had become Josh's for his short stay with them and sat on the bed. The bed Josh would never sleep in again. The bed he died in. And that was the thought that finally broke through to Noah.

He threw himself down, burying his face in the pillows to silence the sobs, the tears making wet patches, the pillow turning hot under his face. Eventually he couldn't breathe, so he turned his head to the side, arms wrapped tightly around a cushion.

He felt odd. Like he had somehow regressed to an older version of himself - the Noah that couldn't let Luke see him this way. He needed to deal with his feelings and his tears in private. Luke would want to console him; make the pain less, make it all better somehow. And, Noah knew, Luke would do that at the expense of himself; which in Noah's world was out of the question.

An intense pain seemed to sit suddenly squarely on his chest, like a rock.

"Noah?" He heard Luke's plaintive call from the bedroom doorway and he chastised himself for leaving like he did. Of course Luke wouldn't have slept for long. Neither of them would sleep well for a long, long time.

"It's okay." Luke continued. "I won't break. It's okay if you need to cry."

Ignoring those words, and still looking away from him, Noah sat up and wiped dry his eyes before approaching Luke and hugging him tight for a moment.

"Come and sleep with me." Noah whispered but Luke shook his head against Noah's chest.

"I can't." he croaked.

"Just for a little while." Noah drew back to hold Luke's face in his hands, "Please Luke. You really need it. You should see yourself!"

Noah stepped back from him and put his hand out to lift a damp strand of hair from Luke's face, "Come…"

He reached out and Luke took his hand, allowing himself to be drawn to their bedroom. As they dropped into the bed together, Noah's arm stretched protectively over Luke.

"Let's close our eyes and sleep now." He kissed against Luke's neck.

...

Luke thought something was ringing but then realised it was his phone buzzing that had woken him. He moaned and turned out of Noah's arms, squinting and clumsily slapping his hand over the side table until he located the offending object.

"Hello?"

"Luke?"

As he heard his father's voice a terrible understanding slapped him across the face and for a moment he couldn't breathe.

"Luke? Are you there?"

Josh… Did he dream it?

"Luke?"

"Yeah." He managed to say. He felt disorientated.

"We rang the bell a few times but there was no reply. We're standing outside."

They were outside. And that meant… He released a deep and shuddered breath, trying to get a hold of himself.

For a moment, just a moment, he'd thought… maybe… a dream…

"Luke? Are you guys even home?" His father's worried voice asked in his ear.

Noah stirred and Luke looked over at him. He was sleeping peacefully… for now…

Feeling temporarily disabled and unable to act, Luke opened his mouth and reached an arm to wake Noah. But then stopped and looked away, unable to trust himself...

If he spoke then the feelings inside might come out shrieking, filling the room with shameful, childish and selfish pleas to have Noah turn everything right again. And he couldn't keep doing that to him. Not when he knew Noah hurt just as much, stoically dealing with the loss internally as was his way.

But Noah couldn't hide the pain from Luke entirely. They knew each other too well.

Just as he was beginning to realise he had emotional support waiting outside the front door, he also realised he'd hung up the phone. He dug deep to find the strength that would drag him away from Noah and up the passage.

Past Josh's room.

Josh.

Another ring of the doorbell snapped him out of it. He didn't want Noah to wake up.

He left for the sitting room, stumbling slightly down the passage, and opened the door to Holden and Lily.

"Dad…" he trembled and broke instantly, falling into his father's arms, feeling like a small child all of a sudden. He didn't care.

"I'm so sorry, baby." His mother's comforting hand gently stroked his shoulder. "Noah explained on the phone. The poor man… He sounded so…"

Eventually Luke managed to pull back from the strong arms of his father to step aside so that they could enter the house.

Lily kissed his cheek as she passed. "How is Noah?"

Luke shook his head, closing the door. "You know Noah… exercising an iron control over himself, so that I don't have to look after him."

Lily gently sighed her disapproval, "Well, we both know he can't keep that up. He'll need you when it gets too much."

"I know…" then fighting tears again, "I just hope I can be strong enough… Mom… this… this really hurts!" he sniffed and ran his hands through his hair.

Lily put the grocery bag she held in one hand down on the floor so that she could wrap her son in her arms. "I know, baby. I can't even imagine…"

"It's a terrible thing…" Holden softly added. "Natalie went away with her friend Ashley this weekend so we haven't been able to tell her yet."

"Oh…" Luke whispered. Heavy with pain he'd completely forgotten about his little sister. "Poor Nat…"

"Well, don't you worry about that now!" Lily said, distracting him. "Mom and Dad are here and we'll take care of you two boys as well as your sister when the time comes… for as long as you need us."

"Thanks, Mom. What time is it anyway?"

"Just after lunch." Holden replied.

"Have you guys eaten anything?" Lily asked.

Luke shook his head. "I can't. Not now. I'm just really tired"

Holden stared at his son in sympathy, "Why don't you get back to bed. You're both going to need your rest."

Luke rubbed his face in his hands. "I don't even know if anybody's told his mother…"

"I called her." Lily softly said. "I figured you two might have had too much going on."

"…today has just been…"

"It's understandable." Holden said.

"How did she seem?"

"What do you mean?" Lily asked.

"Did she seem upset at all?"

"Luke… Josh was her son. Of course she was upset!"

Luke nodded. "'kay, um, I'm going back to Noah. Thanks for coming. It means… We really…"

Lily smiled at him and stopped his faltering words with a quick kiss on his lips.

He was half asleep before he even made it to the bed. He curled up behind the sleeping Noah and snuggled as close to him as he could get.

...

It was a nightmare that woke him. His eyes burst open and he had to suppress a coughing fit once he realised he was holding his breath.

He lay still, shivering, and eventually turned his head to find Luke asleep next to him.

They were above the covers; Luke's arm crossing Noah's upper torso.

Noah used the vision of Luke's face to calm himself. He lay for sometime in a silent denial until Luke's lids lifted revealing bloodshot brown orbs.

Flashes of pain and loss seared between them and Noah could feel his insides contracting, shaking and threatening.

Quickly, he kissed Luke on the cheek and withdrew from his arms to head for their bathroom. He closed and locked the door, leaning back into it and gritting his teeth.

He felt bad leaving Luke like that but if he stayed then…

He would not succumb! He would not!

He fell forward, gripping the sink and staring steadfastly at his reflection in the mirror. He could see the tears forming, pooling traitorously at the corners of this eyes until finally falling, full and heavy down his cheeks.

His body began to quake with the will to break down, deep seated shudders that began in his belly and ran in waves up his spine.

Dripping with defiance he opened the cold tap and ran his entire head under the icy flow, gasping for breath amidst the streams running past his nose and mouth.

"Noah? Are you okay?"

Noah jerked up, shaking the droplets from his hair, and turned off the tap.

"I'm fine." He said, watching in the mirror as his Adam's apple bobbed at the lie, "I'll be out in a minute."

It was more than a minute. He removed all his clothing and stepped into the shower, running the water cold and standing there resolutely.

He dried with military precision, wrapping the towel around his waste and stooping to pick up his discarded clothes, pausing by the door to dump them neatly into the laundry basket.

When he opened the bathroom door Luke was no longer in the bedroom and he sighed with relief. He had a few more moments to get himself in check.

He spent some time deciding what to wear, following a well rehearsed routine, and doing anything to occupy his mind. In the end he dressed comfortably in cargo shorts and a t-shirt.

He used the dryer on his hair, styling it neatly.

Finally he was dressed and found himself with nothing left to distract him.

He followed the low voices he could hear coming from the sitting room, feeling a sharp ache as he passed Josh's door.

He could smell food cooking and realised then that he was actually quite hungry. They hadn't eaten since breakfast and even then he'd only managed to grab a slice of toast.

It must have been Lily in the kitchen because only Luke and Holden were in the sitting room. He was surprised he'd slept through their arrival.

Father and son sat together on the couch, talking in low voices.

"Son," Holden was saying his hand on Luke's shoulder, "you of all people know what it means to live with addiction. You know how tempting it is to return to the drink when things get hard. And Josh was only a kid!"

"I know, Dad." Luke replied. "It's just… When Noah brought him home it was like he was resigned. I mean, it was like he'd accepted the situation with Marion and he was going to try and get past it. I don't even know where he got the stuff from! Noah and I have been searching his room almost religiously since the last time he relapsed. And, he wasn't high when he came home. He definitely wasn't…"

"We may never know the answers, Luke. We can't know what he was thinking."

"Yeah, but I need…"

Noah stood silently back, observing their exchange as they continued to talk together, reluctant to interfere with the coded sort of communication Luke had with his father.

Eventually it was Lily who revealed his presence there.

"Noah!" She exclaimed, instantly approaching him to give him a warm hug. She drew back and rubbed his arms. He soaked in her touch.

"Hello, Lily." Noah tried to smile but all he could manage was the slight lifting of one corner of his mouth. "Thank you for coming. Both of you."

"Oh as if we wouldn't!" Lily told him. "Now come along, I want both of you seated at the table so I can get some food down you."

Neither complained as all three men made a move for the table. However they were brought to a halt when the doorbell rang.

It was Holden who opened the door and at first they couldn't see who was there.

"Yes?" Holden asked, "Can I help you?"

"Bonjour Sir, I am looking for Josh?"

Holden hesitated and looked back at Luke and Noah, stepping aside to reveal their visitor.

"You must be Benoit?" Noah asked him.

The kid nodded. A flash of confusion crossed his features as he took in the drawn appearance of both Luke and Noah.

"I need to see Josh?" he asked hesitantly, "'e 'as someting that is mine."

Luke's head whipped up at that.

"What?" Luke asked, approaching his father's side by the door.

"Pardon?"

Luke's left hand came to rest on the door, "What property of yours does he have?"

A hint of nervousness crossed the boy's features at the accusation in Luke's tone and he took a step backward, "Eet is okay. I will ask Josh."

"You can't." Luke said sharply.

"I go tonight… I ask to speak to Josh now, yes?"

"No." Luke replied. "You can't ask now or ever again."

Benoit frowned in confusion.

"Josh is dead."

"Ce?" the boy shook his head, his eyes widening.

"He got it from you, didn't he?" Luke asked, anger quickly escalating and red patches appearing on his neck.

"I do not know… what you mean…? Josh is…"

"That's right you little bastard! Josh is dead! And it's your fault! Isn't it?"

"Luke!" Noah spoke up from behind him, seeing the obvious distress Benoit was in.

"I sorry." Benoit replied, mouth and eyes gapping open in shock, "I… I go now…"

He turned and started for the road but Luke, wanting answers, tore after him.

...

Phew! I'm still alive after the last chapter... LOL!