The rather stout woman next to him had fallen asleep. Her head kept dropping forward and then she'd jerk up at the feeling of falling, only to drift off again. A few times Noah had been forced to shake his shoulder when her head threatened to settle comfortably there.

He gripped the window frame hard as the van jolted over another deep rut in the road.

He closed his eyes for a moment.

Noah never really got to know Tony as well as Luke did. He only met him once or twice. But he remembered their second meeting well.

...

Noah wrapped up another night by wiping down the counter at Java; as was his routine.

He wasn't feeling great.

Not that he had felt great for sometime, but today was particularly bad.

As had been the case for most of his life, he'd once again found himself feeling lost and alone.

And confused.

He was so fucking confused about everything.

And this would be the last night he closed up Java. In the morning he'd leave for Chicago where he'd enlist; just as his father always wanted.

Then maybe, just maybe, he could actually achieve something worthwhile in his life! Find some sort of stability.

He could stop being such a fucking failure!

His father was right about one thing… the army could be the answer to all his prayers. His thoughts were a mess, his life in turmoil and he actually longed for the rules and regulation of army life; the only life he had ever known.

Except for a few stolen months with Luke.

Should he even tell Luke? Should he say goodbye before he went? They weren't together anymore so…

But Luke wouldn't understand.

Java was empty which meant Noah could close early, but as he turned toward the main entrance he was faced with a last minute customer.

He sighed internally and waited expectantly for the dark haired man to order a drink.

But then to his surprise the customer said, "Hey? Noah, right?"

Noah frowned. This person seemed to know him.

"Yeah. How did you know?" Then Noah laughed slightly as he realised, "Duh! The name tag, right?"

The handsome man laughed too. "Actually we met last winter. You and Luke were going to come to the house party." He smiled cheekily, "We, um, we missed you in the hot tub."

"Right!" Noah remembered. It was Reg's boyfriend, Tony.

Trying to hide his actual state of mind behind smiles and a relaxed stance; one hand in his pocket; Noah said, "Sorry. I… I zoned out. Yeah, um, what can I get you?"

"Um, double espresso to go. I need some emergency caffeine."

"Yeah, I know how you feel!" Noah turned to the cafeteria and began preparing the coffee. "It's been a long day for me too and…" he pointed at Tony, "…you are my last customer."

"Oh!" Tony sounded suddenly excited, "Well! Good timing!"

As Noah adjusted the filter he couldn't help but think there was a double meaning in that statement. Tony appeared to be flirting with him, but Noah wasn't sure.

"So, how's it going?"A friendly Tony asked.

Lately Noah really hated that question. Whenever he answered it he was lying. He turned to the counter to find a mug. "You know… hanging in there."

Noah had to purse his lips as a wave of emotion passed over him.

"Just trying to keep myself in circulation," Tony told him conversationally. "You probably heard but I broke up with Reg."

Noah nodded with sympathy.

"He was in it for the long-haul…" Tony continued, "…and I'm just not ready for that yet. He needs to find somebody to get really serious about."

Listening to Tony, Noah couldn't help but make comparisons to his situation with Luke, and even though his heart ached at the very idea of Luke so much as looking at another man, he replied, "Maybe he will."

It would be better if Luke found somebody else; somebody deserving; especially considering he was leaving in the morning anyway. Luke was better off without a fucked up boyfriend like Noah weighing him down.

"So," Tony said, oblivious to the thoughts raging through Noah's head, "I'm adjusting to the single life; trying to keep busy."

Then Tony perked up all of a sudden. "Like tonight! There's a benefit at Yo's. Cyndi Lauper's singing! I was going to check it out… You?"

Noah was taken off guard. Did Tony just ask him out?

"Um, I'm not really big on going to bars by myself, so..."

"Oh, me neither, dude!" Tony interrupted. "Why don't we go together? It will be fun."

Tony WAS asking him out. Noah felt way out of his depth and didn't know how to react.

Actually he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. But instead he found himself saying, "Um, yeah, sure, why not?"

Tony drank his espresso while he waited for Noah to finish closing up and then the two of them began the short walk over to Yo's.

"So, Noah?" Tony asked, popping a mint in his mouth to mask the coffee smell, "What's the deal with you and Luke? I heard you broke up?"

"Um." Noah wasn't feeling very comfortable at all. Something about the whole situation was just off. He tried to tell himself he wasn't on a date, "Do you mind if we don't talk about it?"

Tony waved his arms in apology, "Oh yeah! Sorry. None of my business."

Deciding it was too late to back out of the night; Noah thought he'd at least try to enjoy it.

"How about we don't talk about the past, Tony? I could really use a night without thinking about all that stuff, ya know? Let's just enjoy ourselves without all that stress for once."

"Best idea you could have had, dude!" Tony laughed; patting Noah on the back as he pushed open the door of Yo's and waited for Noah to enter ahead of him. "Come on! I'll buy you a drink."

They wondered over to the bar and Tony ordered two beers.

"Should be a good night." Noah told him, for want of something to say.

"Yeah, I love Cyndi! She's always been a great spokesperson for gay rights."

"Yeah." Noah took a swig of his beer. It actually tasted fantastic. It had been a long time since he'd had a real drink. Before long he was almost down to the last few sips.

Tony was standing closer to him than he would have liked, but he didn't want to create any bad feeling, so he decided not to say anything.

They made small talk, mostly about collage and their courses. Noah was surprised to discover that Tony was studying to become a doctor and had a special interest in tropical diseases and viruses.

"Wow, Tony!" An impressed Noah exclaimed, "I would never have thought a party animal like you would be studying such an impressive degree! How do you find the time for collage and parties?"

"Where there's a will there's a way, my friend!"

"Hey Oakdale!" A man holding a microphone had appeared suddenly on the stage.

But Noah was finding Tony's conversation extremely interesting. And it had been so long since he'd had company of any kind that he found himself hanging on every word. He was already on his second beer and the brown liquid had mellowed him out.

A year before, Tony told Noah, he started a collage outreach programme for worldwide poverty. He really genuinely cared about people in need and Noah found him refreshing.

He realised his first impression of the guy had been totally off base. Tony was bright and full of ideas; eager to make a difference in the word; especially in the areas of inequality and injustice.

"As soon as I have my doctorate I plan to practice medicine abroad. Try to help some of the poorer communities in this world."

"Any idea where you'd go?" Noah asked.

"Not yet… Where I'm needed most I suspect."

"Are you guys ready for Cyndi to bring you to the brink?" the night's host continued.

The crowd cheered again in response.

"Alright, then put your hands together for Cyndi Lauper!"

"Hey!" Cyndi yelled into the mic, pumping her arm into the air. "Come on!"

The music started loudly and their conversation had to end. For the first time since arriving, Tony and Noah turned to watch the stage. Noah started his third beer and allowed himself to just relax and go with the flow. He moved in time with the music, slow at first, until Cyndi walked right up to where they were standing and sang directly for them.

Eventually Noah was smiling and throwing his arms into the air and clapping, dancing just as hard as anybody else there; riding on Cyndi's infectious energy.

He smiled at Tony as Cyndi left to return to the front of the crowd where she disappeared from view for a moment before reappearing back up on the stage.

She didn't stay there for long. Before Noah knew it she was back by his side, almost like she was deliberately singling him out from the crowd. She grabbed his hand, held his arm high and had him twirl around and dance with her.

It was a little more public than he was used to and he was embarrassed, but the drink had loosened his usual inhibitions and he just went with it.

That strategy seemed to be working. In fact, he could almost say he was enjoying him-

The thought fell away, his throat ran dry and his heart stopped.

Luke stood at the front of the stage; his presence, as always, magnetic and glowing.

Cyndi walked a path through the crowd, parting them just as Moses must have parted the Red Sea and headed right for Luke. She danced with Luke exactly as she had danced with Noah and Noah realised she must know. Luke must have been there to interview her for the collage paper and he must have told her.

Otherwise this was just too much of a coincidence.

Anger rose inside. Luke! Trying to manipulate the situation again. Trying to control things!

Well fuck it! He wasn't going to let it get to him. He was going to show Luke just how fine he was!

This time when Cyndi reached him, he danced as he'd never danced before; waving both arms in the air and smiling widely at the singer as well as at Tony.

But as soon as she moved away and he saw the desolation on Luke's face; the smile on his faded. This hurt dammit! Why did it hurt so much? He wanted this right? He had asked Luke for the separation; the break.

So what the hell?

The song ended and he clapped his appreciation for Cyndi's performance but his soul was already being pulled back into that dark place he'd been wallowing in for weeks.

"Come on!" Cyndi yelled, waving at her fans. "You rock! Thank you. Thank you for supporting the cause tonight and ending some discrimination here, through some partying and some music. Thank you. "

As the crowd cheered and Cyndi prepared for her next song, Noah caught sight of Luke trying to fight his through the crowd toward where Noah was standing.

Quickly he turned to Tony, "You wanna get out of here? Go someplace else?"

"Yeah, sure!"

Noah realised his words might give Tony the wrong idea, but he really didn't care.

He couldn't cope with another painful scene with Luke; watching those beautiful brown eyes fill with disappointment and heartache when Noah couldn't be enough for him.

How could Noah ever be enough for that amazing person? Luke had to learn this lesson one day and the sooner the better. Somewhere out there was a man worthy of his love. Noah would only let him down; just like he let everybody else down.

Tony followed Noah eagerly from the club and they found themselves in the back alley.

"Hey," Tony asked, "You wanna take a hit with me?"

Noah's attention was on the door, keeping watch in case Luke followed them.

"Sorry?"

"I got some coke on me if you fancy doing some lines. Could spice up the night, ya know?"

Noah frowned. They knew Tony was into drugs. It was part of the reason they'd pulled out of going to the house party that time. But Noah never imagined he'd ever be offered any.

"Um. Tony, I'm sorry, but I don't really approve of the whole drug scene…"

Tony sighed. "You too? God! Does nobody know how to party anymore? Reg has a problem with it too. It's why we broke up."

Noah looked at the ground. He didn't dislike Tony. In fact, during the night Tony had given him every reason to like him. But he couldn't marry the image of Tony the soon-to-be doctor with Tony the drug taking party animal.

"Doesn't matter," Tony grinned. "We can still have fun, right?"

Before Noah knew it, Tony had him pinned to the wall and was coming in for a kiss. Quickly he sidestepped. "Sorry. I can't."

Tony moved back to study Noah intently, "Still got it real bad for that blonde, right?"

Noah looked away and bit down on his lower lip. It was a good trick; one of the best for holding back tears.

Yes. Yes he still 'had it bad.'

"Look, Tony. You're a real nice guy and everything, but I'm not interested… like that."

Tony held up his hands in friendly dismissal. "Hey! No hard feelings dude! Truthfully I'm not really over Reg either… I just thought we could help each other ease some of the loneliness, ya know? You can't blame a guy for trying! But if you ever change your mind, came find me, 'kay?" Tony looked back at the club and then shrugged. "Mind if I split? I think I'm done here for the night."

Noah breathed a sigh of relief. "I don't mind at all."

As Tony disappeared, Noah heard the familiar strings of 'True Colours' playing. He was about to walk home but something wouldn't let him. The song was hypnotising and the urge to turn around and re-enter the bar strong.

When he pushed through the door something unexpected happened.

It was as though the crowd had vanished.

As far as he was concerned he stood alone before that stage.

He was instantly struck by a sight so beautiful as to take his breath away.

Mesmerised he stood staring at the calm light enveloping Cyndi. All he heard were the words she sang directly for Luke; who stood up on that stage with her; looking gorgeous and sad and vulnerable in his blue t-shirt.

An overwhelming need to hold Luke took Noah over.

Noah felt the full force of that love he had been trying for weeks to ignore. It hit him hard and his breath shuddered as the words to the song came crashing down on him.

Luke knew him. Luke had seen his 'true colours' and that's way Noah was running now. Because if he wanted to be with Luke then he needed the courage to open up completely; to really let Luke see the true Noah.

He'd have to risk Luke seeing just what a fucked up mess he really was.

And Noah had never let anybody get that close before. Never!

What if Luke didn't like what he saw? What if Luke stopped loving him back?

That's why he ran. Running was what he'd done his entire life to stay safe and sane. And running was what he'd done to keep his father's love.

But now he realised that the way he felt for Luke was the only thing he was sure of in all of the confusion.

"I want you." He thought, watching as the sweet pain on Luke's face stretched and flowed over his cheeks; creasing his forehead. "Why am I doing this to you? I'm such an idiot!"

Every now and then, Luke would smile. It was the most incredibly sad smile Noah had ever seen and Noah knew in that moment, that he would love Luke forever.

It was the truth. No matter what. Always.

It was time to stop being so fucking scared.

His feet had him standing behind Luke before his head even made the decision. He cupped

Luke on the shoulder; registered the surprise as the blonde turned to find him there.

"We need to talk." Noah yelled through the noise.

Luke followed him out the club through the clapping crowd, until they were standing outside in front of a poster advertising Cyndi's appearance.

Noah was shaking. He was so afraid. But he knew that if he didn't do this he would lose Luke forever. And that was more frightening than this conversation could ever be.

"So," Luke began; the jealousy evident on his face. "What happened to Tony?"

"I don't care." Noah really didn't. "I didn't want to be with him. The only one I want to be with… is you…"

Smiling hopefully but with obvious cautiousness and surprise, Luke asked, "What made you change your mind?"

"You were right all along, Luke. We do belong together. I'm sorry things got so messed up!"

As he said it their bodies unconsciously pulled closer together. He could feel the heat radiating from Luke; the want and desire that was always so prevalent and strong between them.

"All I want," Noah said, taking a chance by drawing one hand around the back of Luke's neck and pulling him toward a kiss, "is this."

Desperate to feel that connection Luke pushed against Noah's lips and Noah had to reach his other hand to Luke's head to steady him.

...

The last time Noah ever saw Tony was at Reg's funeral. The guy had been inconsolable; blaming himself for introducing his boyfriend to the recreational drugs that killed him.

The bus once again jolted Noah from his thoughts as a loud bang brought the vehicle to a standstill. A back tyre had burst and they didn't have a spare.

"What happens now?" Noah asked his companion, hopping out of the van.

"We wait." He replied. "'Nother taxi come with wheel."

Noah nodded and took the opportunity to stretch his legs.

Most of the other passengers found a spot under the shade of the numerous thorn trees that dotted the landscape, but Noah settled himself down on the crumbled remains of a concrete bridge; expanding over a dried up riverbed.

As it happened they didn't have to wait for long. Pretty soon another white taxi van had pulled over and produced a spare tire.

As the driver set to work repairing the vehicle, Noah squeezed his cell phone from his pocket.

Only one bar. He pressed speed dial 2. It rang just twice before he received an answer.

"Son! Is that that you?"

He shuddered at the worry in Holden's voice; evident even with the bad connection.

Noah wished he had something good to tell him.

"Hi Dad."

"Did you find him?"

"Sorry. But I got a good lead that's taking me out of the city. They tell me I'll find him at this remote village, but nobody seems sure. Still… I have to check it out."

"Okay. Just be careful, Noah! The last thing we need is the both of you missing!"

"I will. I wanted to call now because my guide says I won't get any cell signal once we leave the city outskirts. You may not hear from me for a while but I'll call as soon as I can."

"You make sure to do that!"

The van pulled back onto the road and the passengers began to scramble back on board.

For some reason, maybe because he was seen as a guest in their country, the people insisted on giving Noah a window seat. They gestured at him to climb on board.

"Hang on a second, Dad."

As soon as he and the rest of the people were seated and the van had continued on its way, Noah lifted the phone back to his ear and asked, "Dad? How's Nicky and Mia?"

There was a pause that put Noah on edge.

"Mia's fine. Nicky…? He's a little… It's just… It's hard for him. It's hard to explain you'll be back; especially after what happened with Josh."

"I know. I hate this but we don't have a choice. Tell them we love them."

"I will and we…"

The line cut out. He checked the cell's display to find a 'No Service' message flashing back at him.

He sighed. It had been good to hear a familiar voice.

"He's dead you know?"

Noah squeezed his eyes together to flush the voice from his head. He hadn't told Holden what the man had said. How could he?

He stared out the window, turning his face from prying eyes and allowing the tears to fall.

...

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