Another one ｢BITES THE DUST｣. Last chapter in the academy before graduation, and said graduation will in fact feature the Steely Dan treatment (I actually counted all the ORAs in chapter 165 for this, no joke) so rest assured, we're moving along. For those wondering, in story it's two years before the scroll of seals debacle, so everybody in the main cast is 10 years old, sans Jojo who is 11 due to missing a chance to sign up with his age group.
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Sorry to whoever I miss, my email may not notify me of everybody who follows or favorites, or the document editor won't allow me to input certain names to save for whatever reasons.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto, Jojo's is the property of Hirohiko Araki, and both are published by Shueisha.
*Giggles*
Ah, puberty...I almost forgot I had to go through it again. At least this time it was working in my favor, instead of becoming a barely handsome shrimp like before I was getting the best of my Joestar genes. Of course, can't have something good without one or two drawbacks, right?
*Giggles*
Like dreaming about girls for instance...again.
No specific girls from my new world obviously, just good-looking girls in general. I would have been perfectly fine with dealing with that and all the other perks of puberty by myself. Then we had "the talk" at the academy, not even a week ago.
I had never seen Iruka act more awkward in either of my lives.
Speaking of awkward-
"Hello~? Wake up cutie~"
...it doesn't feel like I'm dreaming.
When I opened my eyes, I was treated to the sight of a blindingly golden room. Definitely not my room, especially considering that the bed I was on was much bigger than my own. Which made sense when I took the extra occupants into account. I don't exactly remember several gorgeous and scantily clad older women joining me before I went to sleep.
"Hehe! Good morning cutie~"
Not that I was gonna complain about it! Good kami, nubile beauties, petite cuties, and big boobies! It's like perverted christmas and I'm an only child. Sweet stand-using Jesus, thank you!
"Am I in heaven?" I said goofily.
"Aww, do you think we're angels?" one of the women said, pressing herself against my arm. "That's so sweet, you little charmer you! What's your name cutie~?"
"J-Joushirou," I said happily, having long forgotten my old name and very soon mostly likely to forget my new one.
"Joushirou huh? It certainly fits," another woman said, pressing herself to the crook of my neck and giggling. "Your "little" friend doesn't feel too little, after all…" I felt hands move around my lower portions and I suddenly had to suppress a strange feeling in my nose.
"Hey, quit hogging him!" another woman cried out petulantly, and I suddenly felt my head being enveloped by a pair of magnificently large breasts. "There's enough of him to go around, it's not fair if you two keep him all to yourself."
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
...YES!
"Alright, that's enough!" a melodious voice called out. I turned to the speaker, a gorgeous dark-haired woman wearing only lacy underwear and giving the others a teasing grin. "Although I'm sure spending time with Joushirou-chan would be nice, he's here for a reason. Yaki-kun wants to talk to him."
...I have to go talk to someone? Noooooo, I wanna stay with the milfs! They want me to stay too, I can see their pouty faces and their sad whines. Don't make me leave dammit!
"Do I have to?" I said breathily while giving the woman a pleading look.
"None of that sweetie," she said, gently pulling me off the bed and away from the other women. The woman giggled playfully as she led me out of the room and into a hallway. "Just keep moving until the high priest finds you sweetie, he'll help you find the way," the dark-haired beauty smiled sensually as she traced a hand down my chest. "Take care sweetie, I have to get back with the others for some...business."
The woman walked back into the room, leaving me in the hallway. I could hear several muted giggles and breathy gasps behind that door, and I bemoaned my predicament internally. A room full of hot shotacon milfs and I'm supposed to go talk to some guy? I was so close to losing my virginity dammit, I would have really made those girls see stars...Joestars that is, hehe.
...Oh kami, I'm becoming Joseph aren't I? Screw it, I'll just find this "Yaki-kun" and see what he wants.
I must have walked through a seemingly endless amount of hallways for several minutes while looking for an exit. It was when I saw dozens of shimmering golden tentacles darting towards me from around the corner that I stopped...and by stopped, I meant paling immediately and backing up a few feet as the tendrils reared up like giant golden snakes.
"Yeah, nope! Sutā Purachina!" I called out. Except, instead of coming forth and destroying the tentacles like he should have done, nothing happened...at all.
"...SHIT! I'M STILL ASLEEP!"
If you don't have your stand out when you go to sleep, then you can't use it in the dreamworld. Because even though a dream is literally your soul laid bare, you can't use the extension of said soul within it without extending it first. An inconvenient plot point in Jojo that was now going to kill me...except I had one option left.
"NIGERUNDAYOOOOO!"
I charged all the energy in my legs, and ran in the direction opposite of the golden tentacles. The Joestar Family Secret Technique, or if you want to go for the japanese translation that would make a proper jutsu, Kazoku no Hiden: Nigeru! The ultimate form of tactical retreat, no enemy to the joestar family has ever been able to overcome it.
So it was rather jarring when another group of tentacles appeared from around another corner to cut me off. I turned and started running again, only to see I was blocked by shimmering golden tentacles on all sides. The secret technique had failed, and I didn't have Star Platinum to defend myself.
...Well look at that, it's option #3 huh? One moment, you wake up in a literal king sized bed surrounded by half-naked milfs, and the next, you're about to be killed by a golden tentacle monster. I closed my eyes and calmly awaited my fate, hoping maybe I'd have my same powers in the next world.
Hey, maybe I'll be reincarnated as a shinigami, with a stand. That would be tits...Oh, maybe if I get to choose, I'll choose Tokyo Ghoul so I can save Kaneki from never having to not do anything wrong. Or maybe Shield Hero, so I can prevent Malt-Ahem, Bitch, from framing Naofumi for rape...or I could just be plopped in another random world. Who the hell knows, right?
I waited for maybe a minute or so, before opening my eyes again. To my surprise, the tentacles that had me trapped weren't doing anything except poising themselves towards me menacingly. After a few moments, some of them shifted their deadly looking tips into humanoid hands covered in greyish-white armor. Several of them flattened their palms, and started waving at me.
"...Are you...the High Priest that milf was talking about?" I asked, hoping I was right.
The hands all gave a thumbs up in response. Well, that explained why the secret technique failed, since it only worked on enemies...and Tomoko. This weird golden tentacle monster was the High Priest, and it was supposed to lead me to this Yaki guy.
"Alright, I'm supposed to find this Yaki person, do you know where he is?"
The hands pointed to a direction, and the tendrils blocking it parted like the red sea. I blinked at the path for a few seconds, before taking tentative steps forward. I noticed the tentacles keeping pace with me as I walked, and eventually I felt calm enough to walk a bit faster. Just as I was stopped at a cross way, the tentacles wormed their way in front of me and held a hand up in a stopping motion, then held a finger up signaling me to wait. After a few seconds, they pointed to the hallway to my left, and more hands motioned me to get a move on.
It was kind of weird, but the High Priest kind of remind me of that western movie labyrinth, specifically the helping hands. Of course they weren't talking, but they were helpful in a way, and I could tell I wasn't being directed to a dungeon. I wouldn't have believed they were leading me anywhere if it weren't for the fact I could feel a draft of fresh air and hear the sounds of some unknown birds nearby.
Finally I saw a corridor bathed by bright light, courtesy of the open doorway at the end. I looked to the High Priest and saw his many hands either giving me thumbs up or furiously pointing towards the doorway. I wasn't going to argue with a golden tentacle monster that couldn't speak, so instead I trekked towards the doorway. When I walked through, my eyes bugged out at what I saw.
Gold, everything was gold! The grass, the trees, the water, the reeds and cattails, even the sky was bright gold with brilliant red-gold sun. The only things that weren't gold were the flamingos, all pink or dark reddish-pink as they skimmed the water with their beaks for food. Also, of course, the trees may have been gold but their leaves were normal green. Judging by the color of their flowers, and their red fruit, they were cherry trees.
Golden cherry trees...interesting.
I flinched slightly at the loud honks from the flamingos as they all took to the air. When I looked over to the soaring flock, I almost fell into a trance. I hadn't noticed before, but what little white feathers each had also reflected the light around them, making it seem like the birds were accented with gold.
"They really are quite beautiful in flight, aren't they?"
Wait a fucking minute! I know that voice!
I turned around, catching the High Priest not too far away. The mass of tentacles was reshaping into a familiar shape, an athletic humanoid with robotic armor. The skin and eye color I remembered were swapped, now sporting golden skin and bright green eyes. The figure held its hands parallel to one another in a pose that almost looked like a prayer, before flitting past me.
"It's good to finally get a chance to talk to you Joushirou," the stand user said from behind me.
I didn't even need to turn around to see who it was, because I knew damn well who it was. But I turned and looked anyway, just to get a good idea. I saw a young man wearing a green school uniform, his red hair ending in a twisting bang over his face and cherry shaped earrings hanging to his neck. Currently, he was sipping on an ice cream smoothie, while his stand posed behind him menacingly.
"I really am sorry for dragging you out of your dreams you know...but since you've been dealing with everything for nearly two years, I figured I needed to give you an explanation of sorts," the redhead looked down to his drink and smiled as he pulled one of the four cherries dotting the whipped cream at the top. The man put the fruit on his tongue and pulled the stem out after cutting it off with his teeth. "ReroReroReroReroReroReroReroReroReroReroRero-"
Kakyoin "Milf Lover" Noriaki...it all made sense now. The room full of milfs I woke up in, "Yaki-kun", the massive tentacle monster called "the High Priest" (don't know how I missed that…) the flamingos...THE CHERRIES! I should have seen it coming.
Wait, why the hell is Kakyoin invading my dreams to talk to me?!
"-ReroReroReroReroReroReroReroReroReroReroRero-"
"Ahem! Not that seeing you demonstrate what you want to do to all the older women you know isn't nice and everything…" I trailed off at Kakyoin's blank look, cherry still dancing on his tongue. "But that milf in the lace from before said you wanted to talk, right?"
The redhead closed his mouth and finished actually eating the cherry, before sending me a nervous smile. "Sorry, I get really caught up in doing that."
"I bet you do...So, what do you want to talk about?"
"How bout we take a seat, you're 9 so I know you'll get tired from standing for more than 30 minutes."
"Where am I supposed to si-" I stared flatly as Kakyoin motioned to a nearby cherry tree, which did not have a table and two chairs beneath it when I last looked. "...Alright then" I followed the redhead to beneath the tree and soon I was sat across from him.
"Now, I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but-"
"Here's one for starters...what are you?" I motioned to our surroundings. "What is this place? Why this place in particular?"
"Oh...well, this is my realm," Kakyoin said with a bright smile. "And as for what I am...well," the redhead snapped his fingers, and a halo appeared right above his head. Two massive white wings spread out behind him. "I think it's pretty obvious, right?"
"...You're a tengu?"
"I'm an angel Joushirou…" Kakyoin said flatly. "Or a Tenshin, the terminology can be funky sometimes, but the gist is the same for the most part. This realm is an expanse where I can speak to those under my protection and guardianship...you just happen to be one of those people."
"Wait, what criteria do I meet?"
"You're a stand user, you have Hamon, and you like gorgeous women of any age."
"Of fucking course," I said lowly.
"I mean, aside from that, there's people who are reincarnated into new lives, or live in messed up worlds," the redhead smiled warmly. "It's my cosmically designated job, I was perfectly happy to take it-"
"You just wanted a harem of milfs didn't you?"
"I neither confirm nor deny it…" Kakyoin said happily. "Now, I think there's obviously a few things to touch on...for starters, how are you? I mean, it's been maybe 2 years since you regained your memories from your old life so-"
"Wait...that's what happened?" I asked, giving him a cocked eyebrow. "Shouldn't I have my memories from before I remembered my past life?"
"Well, sometimes it can be pretty traumatic to regain memories from your past life, especially if you died in a certain way," the redhead gave me a soft smile. "Drowning can be pretty traumatic, I've dealt with a good few cases to know about that."
"Ok, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't just lose memories from my new life! I've been trying to remember stuff for the past two years and-"
"Well, there's more to it than just how you died, it's also the reason you remembered your past life in the first place," Kakyoin said, giving me an unreadable gaze. "I think you know how your parents died already, don't you?"
"...Che, yeah I know exactly what happened," I growled, letting the feeling come over me. That was what I called the sensation I got whenever I thought about him. "Sarutobi thinks it was Orochimaru, but I'm not a fucking idiot. The one thing I was able to remember was that neon vampire's voice, at least a few words," I let out a growl under my breath as I rounded on the redhead. "Why this? Why did it have to be this? I could have handled the world of Naruto just by itself, but adding stands and hamon to the mix? Giving me Star Platinum and throwing me to the biggest, baddest wolf there is? Who decides this shit?"
"To be honest it's actually random most of the time, even if you're not being reincarnated. Hell, I know this boy who was born into one world, you probably know a good deal about it," Kakyoin gave me a sheepish look as he rubbed the back of his head. "He was born into a world where there is a species that can only eat people and coffee, as a hybrid between humans and that species, and boy have things not gone his way…"
"...Hehe...hehehehe...HAHAHAHA!" I didn't know why I was laughing, but at least Kakyoin wasn't freaking out. "Hah, oh shit wow! Ok, y'know what, thanks for at least putting it into perspective. I'd take DIO over being a ghoul any day," I got out the last of my chuckles and turned back to the redhead. "So, will I be able to get my memories about everything back?"
"Since you've almost lost the memories of your new life, I can maybe ask for somebody to give you some leighway there. If you get that, then you'll start to regain them gradually, but the memories you have of your old life will still probably be pretty dominant. It usually ends up like that in these cases."
"Oh good...at least I can remember my new Joestar parents," I drawled out, leaning back in my chair. "Was that everything you wanted to talk about Kakyoin?"
"Not quite…"
...Shit!
"Ok, what else is there?" I asked him, sitting straight and leaning forward expectantly.
"I know what you're planning Joushirou."
"I don't think you do…" I said lowly, hoping to use mental gymnastics to confuse the guy.
"Don't try to use mind games on me Jojo," the redhead said sternly, taking his classic pose with his arms folded, right hand pointing a finger in the air and left making an ILY sign. "I know exactly what you're going to try and do, and let me tell you right now, don't try. I've dealt with people who go to the world you're in and try the same thing, and even though some do succeed, they're far and few inbetween," Kakyoin gave me a sad look. "Yes, maybe you can try and bend things a bit, but fate doesn't work like that, it might just bend the other way instead of the way you want."
The redhead unfolded his arms and waved one over his chest. "Believe me, I know that all too well," the man's chest morphed before my eyes, and I was soon treated to a mystical vision of the cause of his death; the massive hole in his body courtesy of our common enemy. The evidence of his donutification then disappeared in the blink of an eye.,
"Just because you were turned into a donut doesn't mean I shouldn't try!" I cried out as I stood up and slammed my hands on the table. "I shouldn't ignore somebody nearly dying just because "fate" says they're supposed to bite it!"
"Joushirou, I Just want to save you the disappointment…"
"Kakyoin, I have to-"
"You can't try to save Fū-"
"She shouldn't be killed just because a robed idiot got friendzoned!"
"You can't try to save Kimimaro-"
"He was manipulated by a pedophile, and deserves better! Any win against the creepy snake dude is worth it!"
"And you can't try to save Haku."
"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
"Jojo, sit down and think about it for a second!" the redhead said loudly. "If you somehow do manage to save those people, think of all the ripples it'll cause. Haku and Kimimaro are among the last of their respective clans, if they rebuild them in the future then who knows what will happen. Add onto that a Jinchūriki who, most likely due to your intervention, won't have any allegiances to a hidden village. You're asking for something bad to happen."
"...So you're saying I should just make sure things go better than normal, instead of trying to make huge and drastic changes?" I asked the man, holding a hand to my chin in thought. "Ok, I suppose I could try to do that…"
"Good, it's nice that you're actually taking a second to think it out and-wait a minute!" Kakyoin gave me an anxious look. "The way you're segwaying into this, I don't like it. That face...you're going to try and say what I think you're going to say right? Don't you say it-"
"DAGA KOTOWARU!" I cried out at the top of my lungs, giving the redhead a fierce look.
"And you said it…"
"If there's one thing that I, Joushuya Joushirou, love more than anything else, then it's saying "NO" to people who think they're hot shit!"
"...Are you done?" Kakyoin asked me flatly.
"Not even close!" I growled, giving the redhead Jotaro's menacing finger point pose. "I get it, you're trying to save me from tears when I can't save the people I feel like saving...but I'm not gonna cry over that. If they die, it's just one point where I failed and fate won, so what? The moment I woke up with this star mark on my back, I stopped being spineless about something like that. I'm determined, determined to not let things like that hold me back! That's what'll keep me going through if that happens, my DETERMINATION!"
"I'd be careful if I were you, I know one person like that and she got possessed by a psychotic demon and was killed by a comical skeleton across multiple timelines," Kakyoin chuckled as he slurped on his smoothie. "That guy, he's actually pretty cool. Knows a few things about "befriending" women of a certain type-"
"None of that!" I cried out, shielding my ears. "I don't need to hear that...anyway, I'm just saying I'm not giving up on trying to save people, examples included. I'd do it no matter what universe I was reincarnated in. If I could, I'd save Kaneki Ken from being turned into a science experiment! I'd save Pyrrha Nikos from the Cinder Fall archery camp! I'd stop Bertolt from breaking down wall Maria! I'D KEEP SHINJI FROM GETTING IN THE FUCKING ROBOT!"
"That'd be quite the job resume," the redhead said nonchalantly as he sipped on his smoothie. "I never said I'd stop you, you can try what you want Joushirou. I just wanted you to temper your expectations, and maybe get you to moderate how much you change."
"Oh come on, I haven't changed that much have I?" I asked sheepishly. "I just made friends with Naruto, helped with his chakra control, and helped Sasuke get his Sharingan early. Naruto deserves a friend, and getting the Sharingan was so stupidly easy it's not even funny. Aside from my plans to set Hinata and Naruto up early, I can't make anything worse."
"You're right actually!" Kakyoin said cheerfully. "You already caused Naruto to unlock the Mokuton, you couldn't possibly do any worse!"
"What?"
"What?" Kakyoin asked owlishly. "All I said was Kurama is gonna wake up a bit earlier than you'd expect."
"Wait, I thought you said…" I shook my head clear. "No, sorry, it must have just been my imagination. Either that or you're just fucking with me by name-dropping random bloodlines."
"Sure, why not?"
"...What's that a reference to?"
"A universe where Jaune Arc is a professor of Beacon," Kakyoin said it like it was obvious. "As for you changing things, I'll clue you in on one of the things you should prepare for...you know how Naruto was supposed to be attacked by spies from Taki while he was looting dead ninja?"
"Yeah, I vaguely recall that…"
"Well, that's happening tonight," the redhead gave me a serious look. "Naruto is supposed to be looting bodies for weapons and tools he can use, and the spies will attack him. In the normal timeline, the one without stands, vampires, and hamon, Kakashi and Iruka would save him. The changes made, one or two of them made by you-"
"Woah, woah! Let's not go and accuse-"
"One or two of them made by you," Kakyoin interjected, sending me a flat look. "Because of those changes, they're going to be a little late. The spies will probably capture Naruto as a hostage, then find out he's a Jinchūriki and take him with them for their own benefit. My suggestion...you be the one to stop it this time."
"Me?" I pointed to myself confusedly. "I...I don't know if I'd be able to take them down, even if I've gotten stronger in the past two years."
"You don't have to take them down. Like I said, Kakashi and Iruka will just be late, not that they're not coming," Kakyoin gave me a wry smirk. "All you have to do is hold them off."
The redhead leaned over and patted me on the shoulder. "You don't have to make the decision now Jojo, you still have the entire day to think about it after all."
"Wait, entire day?" I asked him, gaping as he pulled another cherry off his smoothie and began licking it.
"*ReroReroRero* Well duh *ReroReroRero* it's almost morning after all *ReroReroRero*."
"Morning?!"
Kakyoin pulled the cherry from his mouth and gave me a bright smile. "Yeah, unfortunate huh...it was nice talking to you Joushirou. Try to think over what I've tried to tell you."
"Wait, hang on-"
"Haierofanto In Hebun!"
*CRAAAASSSHHHHHHCCCCCKKKKKKKKKVVVVVVVRRRrrrrrrrrr*
"AGAHAGOOBGAAAHH!"
…
Holy fuck that was an acid trip of a dream. There were milfs, tentacle monsters, and Kakyoin Noriaki was there for some reason, telling me not to fuck everything up to much. Pretty fucking crazy huh?
That was only a dream right? Kakyoin didn't actually use his Heaven Ascension stand to pull my mind into his angel world to talk to me, right? Wait, what is this slimy orb in my-
...I looked at the saliva slickened cherry in my hand for several seconds. Then the gooped fruit immediately met the wastebin at the far side of my room.
So I didn't dream that up huh? Good to know I have a guardian angel watching me, with his harem of milfs at hand and his overpowered stand that can drag my mind into his angel world if he wants to.
Fucking brilliant!
*DO~RURURURURU! DO~RURURURURU!*
And my alarm clock still sounds like Doppio! AHA, now I remember where I heard that noise before...wait, why does my alarm sound like Doppio? Wait, alarm...SHIT I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!
"Yare Yare...just my fuckin luck…"
Stand: Hierophant in Heaven
User: Kakyoin Noriaki (Angel)
Destructive Power: B
Speed: A
Range: ∞
Durability/Persistence: A
Precision: B
Developmental Potential: A
Abilities(so far): Can temporarily remove the consciousness of a person and place it somewhere else, even if this place is outside the flow of time and space. Due to Kakyoin's status as an angel, he cannot use this ability to interfere with events without permission, he can only use it to bring others to his realm and speak to them.
Aside from this, Hierophant retains all of it's core abilities from before Kakyoin's death, including it's coiled body made up of it's true form, a web of tentacles, as well as the ever famous and easily deflectable "Emerald Splash" that Kakyoin is famous for.
"..ojo…"
Damn redhead with his overpowered stand, screwing with my head before I go to school.
"..ey...Jo…"
Making me think about fate and the consequences of my actions and shit. What kind of bull is that? Moderating how much I change things? I'll show you moderation you cherry donut mother-
"HEY JOJO!"
"...Hmm?" I turned to see a familiar blonde glaring at me comically.
"Dammit Jojo, you can't fall asleep during lunch like this!" Naruto whisper-yelled. "I had to strong-arm you into going a whole two months without detentions, we're getting that free period dammit!"
"Hn," Sasuke growled from his seat next to Shino. "You didn't strong-arm him, you got down on your knees and begged him not to get detentions for the month so we could have a free period to work on chakra control with him."
"If I remember correctly Uchiha, you also got down on your knees with Naruto," the bug-user chided.
"You can't prove that I did!"
I admit, I was sorta on the fence about Sasuke joining our small group of friends. But, I figured it'd be a win against Orochimaru if I could convince the kid to not go with the creepy snake after he got the curse hickey...Also, he started off by stalking Naruto and by extension me. I wasn't about to let Sasuke, the guy who currently is looking for any means to kill his older brother, see me training with how to use my stand.
Of course, Sasuke stalking us was Naruto's fault in the first place. The blonde found out about the Uzumaki clan, and was cheering about finally learning he wasn't some clanless nobody from the orphanage. The bitch that flunked medic nin class had to try to ruin it though, and obviously Iruka had to go on about how the Uzumakis had a regeneration bloodline and Naruto probably didn't have it.
Naruto, being the ever so tactful person he was, brought a kunai out and cut his hand. After the blonde proved that yes, he was an Uzumaki, Sarutobi had the kid taken to his office for a "talk". After he rejoined us, Sasuke stalked us the entire way to Ichiraku's, which I called him out for. Then he went on a spiel about how he and Naruto were similar because their clans were wiped out, and it was up to them to rebuild them. The blonde barely understood what the Uchiha was talking about, but the three of us were at least able to bond over our dead parents.
I feel kinda bad that Shino was left out…
On the other hand, I was glad that Naruto's healing was mostly his own. When I looked at the gash he cut into his hand, I was sure I would have seen some creepy red demon chakra. But no, his healing worked perfectly fine without the Kyuubi. It was actually jarring that Kurama was going to be waking up any day now, or probably was already awake and messing with my friend's head.
Wait, didn't Kakyoin say Naruto had a bloodline? No wait, I was imagining that...yes, imagining, because Kakyoin is a milf-loving angel who loves to fuck with me.
"Yare Yare, you can both relax ok," I said. "We were as well behaved as possible for the last month, we should have a shared free period."
"At least you've been able to go a month without beating up anybody who looks at you the wrong way," the Uchiha hissed lowly. "Hopefully it paid off, we can celebrate later with ramen."
"Getting a free period isn't something to celebrate with ramen," I said blithely.
"Well getting 3 months straight of detentions isn't something to celebrate either!" the Uchiha cried out.
"ALRIGHT EVERYBODY! Lunch is up!" Iruka called out.
"I guess we head to class then," I said, standing up to head out.
"Hold up Joushirou, I've gotta talk to you!"
Oh boy, here we go…
"What did I do this time Iruka-sensei?"
"Nothing in the past two months actually…" the scarred man said. "Believe it or not, you have a free period" he looked over to the three boys trailing behind me. "You're all among a small group of people with a free period today...although-"
"And your next line is-"
"I'd strongly advise you four don't take it all at once."
"...Eh?" Iruka shook his head and glared at me. "You do know that's really annoying, right?"
"Yeah, whatever," I said blithely. "We're taking it all at once because we actually have stuff to work on y'know."
"I doubt Naruto using his fūinjutsu for pranks counts as classwork in his extracurricular…"
"We're working on chakra control," I said flatly, surprising the scarred chūnin. "Naruto and I have shit control, so we need to try and get it under wraps. Sasuke just wants to use more fireballs than normal, and Shino wants to be able to conserve chakra for his bugs."
"Well, it's good that you four really want to get the leaf-sticking exercise down."
"...Yeah, the leaf-sticking exercise," I said nervously. "That's...totally what we're going over the next period."
"Well, try not to go overboard...and Naruto," Iruka gave the blond a stern glare. "No!"
"No to what?!"
"No to whatever prank you're thinking up for the week," the scarred chūnin said as he left.
"Can you believe that guy?! I swear he doesn't have faith in me…" the blonde trailed off with a low growl.
"No," I said as we walked to the courtyard, hoping the blonde caught onto it.
"Wha?! What are you going on about?!"
"No to whatever petty revenge scheme you're cooking up to deal with Iruka-sensei."
"Am I that predictable?" Naruto thought aloud.
"I'm gonna go with yes," Sasuke said flatly. "I've been around you for almost a year, and I've figured out the face you make when you're in that mood."
"Dammit!" the blonde growled. "Hey, so what are we supposed to be doing anyway Jojo? What's this trick you figured out that can help with chakra control?"
"Well-"
"Hey, you four!" a voice called out. I turned to the exit to the lunchroom to be greeted by the sight of a man I had grown to hate within the last year.
Tsu Mizuki, chūnin academy instructor and future traitor to our village, currently our secondary teacher for the next few years. Considering how he would glare at the blonde when he thought nobody was looking, and I secretly caught him trying to sabotage him, I knew he was going to try and frame Naruto for stealing the scroll of seals even if the kid graduated. Fortunately I had already pulled out a contingency plan, but I was still unsure of how to deal with him at the end of it...
Steely Dan treatment, or Cioccolata special? I tried flipping coins, playing "eeny,meeny,miny,moe", even tried a dart board. I kinda wanted to save the Cioccolata special for Orochimaru or Obito, but it was just hard to resist the urge to "ORA!" somebody for a whole 32 seconds.
Maybe I'm overthinking it?
"How can we help you Mizuki-sensei?" the blonde chittered, oblivious to Mizuki's fake smile and the look of disgust glinting in his eyes.
"I heard you guys were gonna take your free period in a bit" the silver-haired man leaned forward with a wide grin. "I was wondering if you could help me out with something-"
"Actually, we were gonna take our free period to work on chakra control," I cut in. "Really sorry Mizuki-sensei, but it's pretty important for us to deal with this."
"Gee, I dunno, you guys sure you don't want the extra credit?"
"Extra credit?" Naruto whipped his head towards the future traitor with a fierce gaze.
...Please don't take the bait Naruto.
"Pfft! The hell are you talking about, extra credit?" the blonde laughed. "We just spent two months trying to get a free period, do you honestly think we'd need the extra credit?"
"I...wait what?"
Oh thank kami, bullet dodged.
"Thanks for the offer Mizuki-sensei, but it's not really appealing," the blonde said cheerfully. "We need to work on chakra control as much as possible in the long run, otherwise we'll be shit outta luck when graduation comes."
I let out a snort as Naruto pulled us along to the courtyard excitedly, leaving a gaping Mizuki behind. I looked back to him one last time and met his cold gaze with my own, making sure my pupils narrowed into slits for added intimidation. After a few seconds, the silver-haired man looked away with a huff and walked off while muttering to himself.
I could only imagine what kind of shit that guy did to Naruto in canon before graduation. How many pranks done under the misguided belief of "extra credit" were there? Who knows, but I'm stopping it before it can even start.
Once the blonde had brought us to the courtyard, he clapped his hands together and began a spiel about the state of our chakra control and why we needed to improve it. I was busy noting the other students taking their free periods at the same time. Obviously Sakura and Ino were givens, considering who was with me. Aside from that, there were a few of my fangirls who were too shy to try and approach me, and the shy Hyūga hiding in the bushes who was desperately hoping she wasn't noticed by us.
Yup, fixing that up today right after we finish this up. If I didn't get him to notice while they were both 10, he'd be dense and oblivious for the rest of his natural born life. I think I can try and fit Hinata somewhere in between the chakra control and the spies trying to murder the boy she loves.
"Hey Jojo!" said blonde called my name excitedly. "Quit spacin' out man! So what are we supposed to do for chakra control?"
"...Right!" I said quickly, hoping to save face. "Well, for starters we need to remember why we need better control. We're all going to show off the bunshin."
"Dammit!" Naruto hissed, preparing to form the right seals. "Alright, what are the signs again? Tora, I, Ushi, Inu-"
"No that's wrong, I think," Sasuke said, forming his hands into a set of seals. "It's Hitsuji, Mi, Tora! Then we get the bunshin-"
"Actually, both work either way" Shino corrected.
"Look, it doesn't matter which set of handseals you use," I said exasperatedly. "Just use the jutsu and make a bunch of copies of yourself."
Naruto nodded quickly and formed his seals into the set he was familiar with. The result was basically what I expected from canon, with three dead Narutos lain on the ground. The blonde hung his head and whined.
Sasuke's success wasn't a surprise. Standing next to him was a perfect copy of himself, and two slightly paler versions of him. I tilted my head slightly trying to figure out which normal Sasuke was the real one, but then the one of the left let out a "hn", and I figured it out pretty quickly. Bunshin, or the intangible kind, weren't able to talk or make noises of any sort.
Shino's simply looked a bit paler than normal, but it wasn't immediately noticeable. They were near perfect copies, so his high collar partially hid their faces and the sunglasses probably blocked out what passes for eyes.
Finally, I had to show off mine. I let out an annoyed sigh and formed the standard set of seals, and watched the fallout.
"Oooohh, spooky!"
"Hn, at least don't make fun of him for it. He gave us that courtesy, we should do the same."
"It is rather fascinating how yours always turn out Jojo."
The downside to being a stand-user with poor chakra control? My clones were transparent, like fucking ghosts...which makes sense, since I have a punch ghost and whatnot. It wasn't that they looked dead, they weren't pale or lying on the ground unresponsive. They were just see-throughey and stuff, even Star Platinum looked more tangible than that.
"Hey, it's not like these things wouldn't be useful," Naruto said cheerfully. "If we ever needed to make a haunted house attraction, you'd be the guy to call!"
"That'd make money at least," I snarked as I dispelled my clones. "Now, I'm betting you all want to know how to fix these problems, right?"
"Yes, I need to deal with this dattebayo!"
"Hn, I'd be able to throw more fireballs out at least."
"...Tell us."
"Well, after spying on some jōnin while they were training their genin teams, I figured out the answer," I crossed my arms in a pose, one hand splaying my fingers in front of my face and the other one pointing directly behind me. "We need to climb these trees!"
The three of them stared at me owlishly for a good minute. It was Naruto that decided to speak up first.
"Climb trees right?"
"Yes...but not like normal," I said cheekily. "We're going to climb the trees...using only our feet!"
"...Jojo, are you sure you're alright?" the blonde asked nervously, walking forward and putting a hand to my forehead worriedly. "Are you on drugs? I know I live in a bad neighborhood, but I figured you'd be smart enough not to give an ear to creepy guy on the street with the big trenchcoat."
"I'm not on drugs," I said flatly. "I actually found out about a chakra control technique that involves walking up a tree with only...Y'know what, screw it! I'll just show you instead!"
With that, I walked over to the nearest tree and planted my right foot on the trunk. If I was remembering the exercise correctly, you essentially had to push the right amount of chakra to your feet in order to make yourself a giant magnet...towards trees. All I had to do was push enough chakra that I wouldn't slip, but it was little enough that I wouldn't cause an explosion under my feet and launch myself away from the tree.
Once I felt confident that my foot was actually sticking to the tree instead of just laying there, I moved my other foot onto the trunk. Using the tree climbing technique, I figured this must be like what the Z-Warriors went through in gravity training. I was willing my feet to become chakra magnets for wood, so it seemed as though my legs were being pulled down by a force of gravity. Nonetheless, I kept walking up the tree until I stood beneath a huge branch. When I was finally able to see my group of friends and the girl hiding in the bushes, they were all gaping at me in shock.
"So yeah...this," I said in a strained voice. "This is a chakra control technique, so it'll be helpful for getting the bunshin perfected, or at least passable for graduation."
"...How?!" Naruto wheezed out.
"To do this, you need to put a fixed amount of chakra at your feet," I said from my spot beneath the branch. "If you put too little, you'll slip, too much and you'll make an explosion beneath your feet and be launched away. You need to put the right amount to walk up the trunk" I said, all while pacing back and forth on the underside of the branch so I could walk better while using the technique.
"That makes sense" Shino mused.
"Hn, guess you do know something…"
"Hold on!" the blonde cried out, holding his hands up anxiously. "Could you maybe dumb it down a bit? I barely caught it."
I stared at Naruto for a few seconds before sighing. "You put chakra in your feet, and make your feet magnets for wood. Then you walk up tree without exploding or falling."
"That's a bit too dumbed down," the blonde said. "Also, magnets for wood? I said dumbed down, not utterly stupid."
"I couldn't make it sound good without the magnets for wood part," I said flatly.
"So what, just put my foot up against a tree?" Naruto said, walking up to a tree and laying his foot on the trunk. "Then what? I'll put the smallest amount of chakra I can manag-"
*BOOM*
*CRASH*
"...Holy shit!" Sasuke hissed lowly.
Of all the things I was expecting, I didn't account for the blonde's chakra reserves being that expansive. The moment Naruto willed chakra to his foot to try tree climbing, an explosion came into existence beneath his sandal. Not only was he launched into the building, probably crashing into whatever classroom was there, but the tree was laying on its side, the stump looking so horribly mangled that you wouldn't have been able to tell it had been a healthy tree there a minute before.
"What the hell just happened?!"
Oh shit thats Iruka-sensei...this is bad.
The scarred chūnin stormed out of the building, a familiar orange-clad form draped over his shoulder. The moment he caught sight of me standing on the underside of a tree branch, his expression morphed into some strange mix of rage, surprise, and horror. I have to figure out a way to save face somehow.
...Shit I got nothing.
"Joushirou, could you please explain to me…" Iruka looked to me and Naruto. "Explain everything, how 'bout that?"
"I spied on some genin teams being trained in order to figure out how to do this, and when Naruto tried his foot exploded."
The scarred man chewed on his lip for a few seconds as he looked back to the blonde. "And how did you explode?"
"I dunno," Naruto lifted his head slightly to face Iruka. "I used the smallest amount of chakra I could manage."
The scarred chūnin looked to the exploded tree. "That's from the smallest amount you could make?"
"Yeah, smallest I could manage," the blonde said nervously. "Is something wrong with my chakra? Because I don't think normal chakra is supposed to be explosive…"
"Naruto, nothing is wrong with your chakra specifically," the chūnin glanced to his side in thought. "You just...well, it seems you have a lot more than most people should have."
"I have a lot of chakra?" Naruto asked dumbly, getting a nod from the scarred man. "...Hehe...I have a lot of chakra…" the blonde started giggling madly. "I have a lot of chakra...I HAVE A LOT OF CHAKRA!"
"...Anybody else worried?" I asked from my spot under the tree branch.
"Perhaps just a tiny bit."
"Hn...this may be a bad thing…"
"Oh Kami what have I done?!" Iruka whispered.
"I have so much chakra! There's no way I won't be Hokage, dattebayo!"
"Having a lot of chakra doesn't do you any good if you don't have enough control over it," I called out, getting a flat look from the blonde. "Naruto, if you want to be able to graduate, pace on trees with me."
"After exploding the last one? How bout-"
"Yes!" Iruka cut in. "Look, if Joushirou gets new techniques from spying on jōnin senseis, then that's their fault for not finding him out. If the leaf sticking exercise isn't working for you Naruto, then try this" he motioned to my status beneath the tree branch. "Jōnin use this in order to segway into a lot of advanced jutsu for their students. You could really benefit from this."
"...From walking up trees by turning my feet into magnets for wood?"
"Is that how you explained it?" the scarred man asked me with an owlish look. "That just makes it sound stupid."
"Thank you for that Iruka-sensei…"
"Naruto, how 'bout this," the scarred chūnin put his hands on the blonde's shoulders. "I'll let you out of class the entire day...if you do this until the end of school."
"...No class for the whole day?"
"None!"
"All I have to do is try to climb the tree with just my feet?"
"Yep!"
The blonde grabbed the scarred man's hand with a cheerful cry. "You've got a deal Iruka-sensei!"
"Ugh...my legs hurt…"
"Yeah, I probably should have mentioned the pacing," I told the blonde. "I've been training with it for a while and it was still pretty hard to move my legs when I was up there."
"I guess it's just something you get used to..." Sasuke said tiredly. "I think I felt my legs getting less heavy as time went on...unless that was the adrenaline," the Uchiha turned his head to me dangerously. "You know we're being followed, right Jojo?"
Oh yes, this was my chance. "Yeah, she's been following us for an entire year now…" I trailed off while sheepishly rubbing the back of my head. "Actually, she's following Naruto if you want to be specific."
"Wait, a girl is following me?" the blonde said, uncharacteristically quiet for once. "This isn't a trick is it? Why the hell would a girl be tailing me?"
"Yare Yare Daze, just go talk to her if you're so damn curious," I said curtly. "If you manage to catch her, she'll probably spill the beans pretty quickly."
"Yes, of course!" the blonde looked to the ground in thought, then looked forward with a fierce look. "I have the perfect plan to deal with it...I'll catch up with you guys tomorrow, just gotta handle this."
Naruto jumped forward cheerfully and rounded the corner of a nearby building. When Sasuke and I ran to catch up with him, we found nothing. The orange clad blonde had disappeared, not even a fleeting glimpse of the boy's ugly jumpsuit could be seen. I could only hope that the blonde didn't screw things up with Hinata before they could begin.
What am I kidding, that girl was gonna faint the second he popped up behind her.
"Well, if he's alright, I'll be heading off," the Uchiha said blithely as he walked off. "You take care, I have to meet with a member of the elder council for something."
"You take care too," I said over my shoulder. "I've got some personal stuff to deal with…"
Namely getting back home to plan out how to deal with my friend being attacked by spies. An event which I had little to no knowledge of since I skipped multiple episodes of shippuden, so the only reason I know is because of a cherry donut angel who loves milfs. I'd never say that all out loud of course, because Konoha does in fact have a mental institution.
About an hour after I had gotten home, I was already filling my satchels and belts with blunted kunai. They wouldn't be deadly enough to make a kill unless I my targeting was good, but I had Star Platinum for that. Now I just needed to get to Naruto.
Which is why a good few minutes later I was staking out his apartment, waiting to see if he came out. If he didn't, then I'd have to track him by scent and hope I wasn't too late. Thankfully fate wasn't completely screwing me over, because just as sunset hit the orange clad blonde left his apartment with a visible skip in his step and a genuinely happy smile on his face.
That has to mean things went well with Hinata, right? Because then my meticulous planning was for the past two years was all for nothing.
I followed the blonde just close enough to not lose him, but hopefully I was far enough that he wasn't going to notice me. In the village proper it was easier, since all I had to do was duck around a corner or hide behind a trash can or barrel. When we got to the forest, things got a lot harder, since I had to use trees and I almost lost the kid a few times.
Huh, this is the hill near the academy...the one where, if I remember correctly, Iruka said to stay away from for the next few weeks or so. In fact, he included the classic "under no circumstances" and "I'll skin you alive" threats with it. Why the hell did he think that would work?
When the blonde finally stopped at a clearing, I hid in the shadows and used both my hamon and slightly improved chakra control to attract a piles worth of leaves to me. Using the ripple, I covered myself in the foliage as quietly as possible while still leaving my face open so I could see.
"Alright, corpse...corpse...where can I find a corpse," the blonde said quietly.
When I think of the word "graverobber", Naruto of all people never actually came to mind.
"I've always played around here when I was younger," the blonde said, looking around for his prize. "So I thought I knew this place pretty well...still, would have been nice for more specific directions."
"...Sutā Purachina!" I hissed as lowly as possible, willing my stand forth while keeping him as transparent as I could without him losing the ability to grab stuff. With a single mental command, SP darted his hands into the ripple infused leaves and pulled out as many kunai as possible.
While I hated that undead bastard for whatever he did, I wasn't going to deny that he made good use of his timestop. So, if I took a cue from him, what harm would there be?
"Aha!" the blonde cried out happily. "This stuff…this is from the battle they were talking about!"
I almost forgot everybody was talking about the spies being fought the other day, even though we shouldn't have been talking about it. I watched as Naruto bounced around trees looking for the dead body, as well as grabbing whatever weapons he thought might be useful. Finally, he came upon a kunai that didn't look like the Konoha standard, with some paper attached to it.
"Huh, look at this...oh yeah!" the blonde held it above his head. "This is definitely a kunai used by the enemy nin the other day. Finally, something good!"
Naruto's cheerful demeanor was put to a stop when a similar kunai flew right past his face and embedded itself within the tree behind him.
"Oi kid! Would you be so kind as to hand over that Kunai?" a robed figure said, followed by two more. Despite how covered they were, I was able to figure out a certain piece of information about them.
...OH SHEET!
They're women...as in, the female sex. Why are the spies women?! I thought they were gonna be dudes, how am I supposed to kill them now?!
"Wha?! Why are you-" the blonde backed away nervously. "I-I don't know if I should be d-doing that ninja-san, I s-sure this is all a b-big misunderstanding."
"Hmm? Oh well," the apparent lead spy said amusedly. "I suppose we'll just have to go ahead and take it by force, won't we?" at that, the three spies unsheathed the ninjatō strapped to their backs, and pointed them directly at the blonde's face.
"Woah! Hey, wait a sec!" Naruto stiffened and went quiet when the flat of the leader's blade pressed against his cheek.
"Hey, this kid," one of the spies said skeptically. "Spiky blonde hair, blue eyes, lightly tanned skin…"
Oh shit! If they figured out who his dad was, he was either dead or captured.
"What of it?" the leader asked.
"He just seems familiar, but I can't put my finger on-"
"Wait, hang on!" the other spy said. "Look at him...the whiskers, pointy teeth...looks like the yondaime didn't kill it after all, huh?"
"Well I'll be damned…" the lead spy said lowly, leaning towards the blonde's face. "This will be good, think about it! Our village will have two of them, especially if they're so powerful, and this one clearly has more control. We can use that as a basis for her training."
"Getting him out of the village won't be easy though," one of them said.
"Wait, what the hell are you guys going on about?!" the blonde cried out.
Yeah, wasn't gonna let this go on from here now that they knew about Kurama.
*VRRRRRRRRRMMMMM*
*SHINK**SHINK**SHINK*
Ichi-byō keika
"Just a few dozen more…"
*SHINK**SHINK**SHINK*
Ni-byō keika
"One more volley…"
*SHINK**SHINK**SHINK*
San-byō keika
"Alright" I called out, standing from my leaf pile and walking forward. "That should be good for now."
Yon-byō keika
"Four seconds huh? Sweet…" I looked back to my stand. "Alright then, Toki wa ugokidasu!"
*VRRRRRRRRRmmmmmmm*
*KA-SHINK*
"GAH!"
"The hell!?"
"What in the world?!"
I jumped forward and placed myself in front of the bewildered blonde just as the kunai flew straight into the spies. The women jumped away from most of the blades, being nicked by only a few. The lead spy took her helmet off to reveal an aged face and grey hair, all while attempting to pin me down with a hateful gaze.
"Well look at that, another gaki was hiding in the bushes...and a fast one at that."
"...Naruto, get going!" I said lowly.
"Jojo? Wait, hold on! You can't-"
"Naruto, just go!" I growled. "Iruka should be somewhere nearby, probably helping with the investigation into these creeps. Go find him, I'll handle it from here."
The blonde looked between me and the spies for a few seconds, then nodded to me before running off. I stared down the lead spy just as the other two got to their feet.
"Don't let the blonde one get away!"
"Sorry, but that's not one of your options here," I growled. "You can either leave, or find out how it feels to eat through a straw...it's your choice ladies."
"This one is a cocky brat too!" the silver-haired spy said as the other two pulled off their helmets. "We aren't in the mood for games kid, step aside and we might let you live."
I pulled out a sharpened kunai in response and held it menacingly towards them. The lead spy 'tched' and sheathed her sword.
Now I just had to figure out a plan to beat them down without killing them. I still had a good few dozen kunai left, maybe I could stop time and aim for their feet. If I could reach a nearby cliff, I could use the life magnetism overdrive to make a glider out of leaves and fly off. I just needed to hold them off for-hey how did I get on the ground?
"Hmph...you didn't even see me coming for you gaki," the lead spy pressed her foot down on my chest hard before walking back to the other two. "Alright, let's grab the blonde, he shouldn't have gotten too far out-"
*KA-SHINK*
The spies glared in my direction as a kunai sailed past their heads and stuck itself into the tree behind them. The lead spy stared at me for a few seconds, then flashed me a wide smirk.
"Do that again gaki…" the silver-haired woman sneered. "But don't be afraid to try to kill me this time, really."
*KA-SHINK*
Again, the kunai missed her head by several inches. Instead of getting mad, the woman started to giggle madly before walking towards me. In only a few seconds, she was directly in front of me.
"That sharp one, try to stab me with it...or better yet," the spy tilted her head amusedly. "Go ahead and try to cut my head off. Go on, we're waiting."
I swung as hard as possible, aiming for the woman's throat to decapitate her. Instead of that however, the blade was far away from her neck. In fact, my hand had darted for the space beside it almost by instinct. The silver-haired woman began laughing like a madwoman.
"Oh, this is rich!" she cried out. "You can't attack a woman?! What kind of shinobi in training are you gaki?!"
"You wouldn't understand…" I said, gritting my teeth. "I've had it pushed on me most of my life to never hurt girls...and if I had actually decapitated you there, my Jiji would have rolled in his grave."
"PFFT! That's hilarious!" the lead spy cried out. "You're an interesting kid, and I'd love to hear more about this Jiji you idolize so much...but we can't stay for long..." she turned around and began walking back to the other two spies. "I can't let that blonde brat get away with the intel paper on that kunai, so I don't have time for chit-chat with a useless brat like you."
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Excuse me? What did you just call me?"
"Oh?" the silver-haired woman turned back to me with a vicious sneer. "Maybe you need to get your ears cleaned gaki! I called you useless. USELESS USELESS USELESS!"
MUDA!MUDA!MUDA!MUDA!MUDA!MUDA!MUDA!
PTSD Status = TRIGGERED!
System Response: The Yoshikage Supreme
"ORA!"
*SMASH*
"GAAAHH!" the silver-haired woman's face caved in partly as Star Platinum's fist collided with her cheek. The other two spies gaped in shock at my stand's emergence, as well as the light-speed attack inflicted on their leader.
What was I thinking about? Well, considering the circumstances.
"DIOOOOOOOOOOO!"
There was really only one person on my mind.
"ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!"
"AGGHHHHH!"
"DIOOOOOO!"
""ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!" Star Platinum reared his fist back one more time before slamming it into the woman with a vicious punch to her gut. "ORA!"
With that, the lead spy went flying backwards into the tree, causing wood to splinter and fly from the point of impact. The other two spies looked back to their leader, than to me, eyes wide in terror. The dirty blonde spy backed away shivering, while the long-haired brunette gulped nervously.
"Y-You wouldn't be opposed to being seduced, would you sweetie?"
"DIOOOOOOOOO!"
"I didn't think so…"
"ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA-"
"And that's how it happened Hokage-sama" I said flatly.
Currently, Naruto and I sat in the Hokage's office, directly in front of the man himself. Behind us stood Iruka and Kakashi, the latter reading a familiar orange porn book while the former looked between me and the blonde nervously. Sarutobi Hiruzen smoked his pipe with a closed-eyes expression, then opened them to look at us.
"So, you lured the three of them off of a cliff with a genjutsu, then beat them when they were downed with broken legs?" the old man blew a ring of smoke in contemplation. "Rather pragmatic of you, and quite impressive, considering the three were apparently Tokubetsu Jōnin," the Hokage gave me a blank stare.
"...Well, that was pretty obvious huh?" I said nonchalantly. "A full jōnin wouldn't have ever fallen for a plan that stupid."
"Joushirou..." the old man said lowly. "I highly doubt you could have pulled that sort of thing off, even with your impressive grades and unique skill set."
"I was able to hide from multiple jōnin while spying on their teams," I responded.
"Ah yes, I heard about that...apparently Naruto's issues with the graduation jutsu stem from his large chakra reserves," Hiruzen regarded the blonde for a few seconds. "That is rather standard for members of the Uzumaki clan after all."
Naruto beamed as I let out a sigh. "Alright, lay it on me Hokage-sama...how long will the detention be?"
"You don't have detention Joushirou," the old man said, blowing some more smoke with his pipe. "While we don't have the best relationship with Takigakure, we're definitely nowhere near being enemies. They gave us an official apology for the unwarranted attack on the two academy students...one issue they did find was that the three kunoichi seemed to have common post traumatic stress responses…" the hokage leveled a flat glare at me. "They seemed to react quite adversely to the word "Ora"...you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you Joushirou?"
"...It's called the Steely Dan treatment and-"
"Nevermind then," the old man quickly moved away from the subject. "How did you know Naruto would be there, or that he would be in trouble?"
...I guess I gotta tell the truth huh?
"A milf-loving angel who likes to lick cherries visited me in my dreams," I started. "He told me about how Naruto loots corpses to get new equipment and that he'd be in trouble while trying to do it, he even mentioned last night specifically."
Everybody stared at me owlishly for several seconds. Kakashi had actually lifted his head from his book and pulled up his Hitai-ate to reveal his widened sharingan. Even the ANBU hiding in the shadows, ROOT or otherwise, were gaping at me in shock.
Then they all started laughing. Even the ROOT ANBU were going off, which shouldn't have been possible, but it was happening.
"HAHA...Oh goodness," the old man wiped a tear from his eye. "Milf-loving angel, that's a new one Joushirou. I've heard some ridiculous things...please tell me you'll use that as an excuse for your misbehaviors, I really need to have a good laugh once in a while."
"I think I could tell Jiraiya about this," Kakashi said in between giggles. "He could use some new ideas for the next book."
I just stared forward blankly, not even surprised that they didn't believe me. Hell, I was counting on it...on the one hand, it was still pretty infuriating.
"Yare Yare Daze…"
←To Be Continued
OMAKE - In Another World with ｢Crazy Diamond｣
Naruto stared mutely at the boy he was told to sit next to. He obviously wasn't in the junior academy, and judging by his facial features and height, he was a year older than any of the other students. The boy wore a buttoned up dark blue jacket with an anchor and hearts on the collar, the top unbuttoned and pinned aside by a heart and a peace sign to reveal a red undershirt.
The most striking feature of course, had to be the older boy's dark purple hair, or rather the style it was done up in. Naruto had seen pompadours before, but never to such a well kept state as his new classmate's. It would have looked tacky on anybody else, but somehow this boy made it work.
"Alright then, Joushuya Josuke?"
"Ah?! Umm, present" the pompadoured boy said.
It took several seconds for Naruto to realize that his outburst from earlier wasn't even being talked about. Everybody was looking at Josuke, courtesy of his rather flamboyant hairstyle.
"Alright, everybody get your history textbooks out! We're going to start reading about the founding of Konoha…" the scar-faced man called out, giving the class a flat look when several students let out stereotypical groans. "Quiet, all of you! Turn to page eight of your textbooks and get to reading!"
After Naruto dug through his pack furiously for several seconds, the realization caused him to go pale.
"H-hey, Iruka-sensei! Where were we supposed to grab our textbooks from?" the blonde called out, standing up with a raised hand. "I don't actually have one, and I'm not sure where to buy them…"
The scarred chūnin looked at the boy owlishly. "N-Naruto, you're supposed to be given all the required textbooks and scrolls you'll need for the academy after you've applied…" Iruka trailed off, realizing something when he saw the blonde's confused expression. "Did...did you really not get all that stuff?"
"No, I didn't! I was only told to bring writing utensils and all that crap, nobody gave me any textbooks…" the blonde shrunk nervously as the whispers started, already feeling the intense pressure he was used to. He could hear several choice words directed at him, and he gulped quietly as he tried to contain himself.
"Woah, hey!" a soft voice cried out. Naruto looked to his side to see the pompadoured boy offering his own textbook. "Here, you can borrow mine if you want."
"...Are you sure?" the blonde asked, still blinking at the other boy owlishly.
"Yeah, really it's no skin off my back," the taller boy said nervously as he rubbed the back of his head. "I was reading it all summer, and I think I've got it committed to memory, so I'll be fine."
""Gee, thanks!" the blonde cried out cheerfully as he grabbed the book. "Ah, when should I return this?"
"I think around lunch would be fine" the taller boy said.
Sasuke tilted his head forth every which way as he scrutinized the pompadoured boy. After a few minutes, he let out a "hn" and stared at his taller classmate flatly.
"Alright Joushuya, what's your deal?" the Uchiha asked.
"...Deal?" the tall boy asked nervously. "I'm not sure what you mean Uchiha-san, I was just talking to Naruto and-"
"Why do you act so nice?" Sasuke leaned forward. "What, did your parents brainwash you or something?"
"I don't think they would have, even if they were still alive…"
"...Shit," the Uchiha reared back in mortification. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said dumb shit like that. My family is dead too so I understand...this isn't making it better is it?"
"No, it's fine Uchiha-san" the taller boy waved his hands nervously in front of himself.
Shino, having stood nearby alongside Kiba watching the scene, decided to walk forward and address the older boy.
"What do you think of bugs?" the bug-user asked in a monotone voice, catching the taller boy off guard.
"Bugs...huh, well I don't mind them too much, aside from mosquitoes," Josuke rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "To be honest, I'm more on the fence about reptiles than anything...turtles and snakes just really creep me out."
Shino beamed beneath his sunglasses and high collar. "I think I can share that sentiment."
"Hey, don't you have a spine or somethin'?" Kiba growled out, leaning forward directly into the taller boy's face and invading his personal bubble. "I think I'm gonna start calling you "Jojo" from now on, how 'bout that?"
"Ah...well, thank you, I guess" the taller boy said nervously.
"What a wuss…" the dog-boy huffed.
"Oi, gakis!" a voice called out, causing the five boys to stiffen and stand from their lunch table. Heading towards them was the second teacher of their class, Mikihito. The big-lipped man sneered at the blonde and the pompadoured boy viciously.
"Ah, hell fishlips-sensei" Naruto churned out, only realising what he had said after the fact.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME GAKI?!" the fish-lipped chūnin snarled at the boy. "You little demon brat, why I oughta-"
"W-Wait!" Josuke placed himself in front of the blonde and put his hands up defensively. "I'm sure he didn't mean it, he obviously slipped up, no need to punish him!"
"Get out of my face gaki!" the big-lipped man roared. "Or maybe that stupid hair of yours is making you do shit that's just as stupid, huh?"
"...Excuse me?" the pompadoured boy's face became shadowed and his mouth formed into a thin line. "Could you please repeat that for me sensei? I didn't quite catch it."
"Oh?!" Mikihito sneered viciously and pointed at the boy's pompadour. "I was talking about this shitty piece of garbage you call a hairstyle gaki! That piece of shit hasn't been popular in 30 years, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the chūnin flicked the tip of the pompadour with a laugh. "Maybe if you're lucky, a bird might actually think it would work as a passable nest...but only if you're lucky gaki! HAHAHA!"
"...Bastard!" the tall boy began to glow bright pink as his face morphed into an expression of fiery rage. "WHAT DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT MY HAIR?!"
"Eh? What the hell are you-"
"DORA!"
*CRACK*
Naruto and the others gaped in amazement as a muscular bright pink humanoid clad in crystalline armor emerged from the tall boy and landed a punch straight to their sensei's jaw, partly caving in the man's face. Josuke let out a roar, a motion followed by the being as it landed several more punches to the man's gut.
"AGHH! Please, stop!"
"Bastard…" the boy said hatefully. "I won't let anybody get away with saying shit about my hair, no matter what!" Josuke growled as he stamped a foot down onto Mikihito's hand. "You said my hair looked like Saezae-san, didn't you?!"
"Who?! What the fuck are you talking about gaki, why are you putting words in my mouth?! And what the fuck is that thing-AGH" the fish-lipped man was cut off as the boy slammed a foot onto his head.
"Shut your mouth! I heard you say it, damn it!" the boy glared down as the being behind him poised itself for another strike. "When somebody says shit about my hair, I can't think straight! All I wanna fuckin' do is beat their ass!"
"DORARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARARA-"
Iruka looked at the scene before him, taking in the full scope of the lunchroom's destruction. Along with this was the knowledge of how much the repairs were going to cost, and of course, the source of the entire mess.
"WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU SLITHER OFF TO YOU FISHLIPPED ASSHOLE?!" Josuke roared, kicking another table into the wall. "GET OUT HERE YOU PUNK BITCH!"
'He seemed so nice at first glance' the scarred man thought, grimacing as the ghostly being that followed the boy threw a chair into the wall. 'What the hell is that thing anyway? How does he control it, where did he even get it?'
"SHOW YOURSELF SENSEI! I'LL TEACH YOU A FUCKING LESSON FOR ONCE!"
Iruka cringed when he heard Mikihito's whimpers somewhere beneath the rubble. He was just about to put a stop to the boy's behavior and fish the man out when a hand blocked his path.
"I'd advise against that Iruka-sensei," Shino said flatly. "It'd be safer if you just let Joushuya-san simmer down."
"But I-"
"So, we're all agreed then?" Kiba said loudly. "If you want to insult Josuke, everything is free game...except for the hair. If you hear anybody do what Mikihito-sensei did, then run for the hills."
"I think we'd need a survival shelter if this happens again," Sasuke said lowly. "Seriously, half of the stuff the pink thing with him did to the place was done with a fork. A FORK of all things!"
"Jiji said it's called a "Stand" and it's an extension of Josuke's soul…" Naruto grimaced as the tall boy let out another roar. "His soul must be supercharged or something, did you see what happened with the bento boxes?"
"Good Kami!" Sasuke shivered. "Tomatoes should not be put in that place, it's just plain wrong ok."
Iruka shook his head as the stand user threw another chair into the wall. "Have I ever mentioned to the Hokage about how glad I am that I took this job? Because I should bring that up when he comes down..." the scarred man dodged several projectile fruits aimed near their direction and sighed exasperatedly.
"This is gonna be a long four years…"
Alright, on to the reviews.
coldblue2015: Jojo will probably interact more with the rest of the rookies during the Ninja SATs/Chuunin exams. His sensei, like I said before, is going to be Anko. As for his elemental affinity, it'll be a bit of an ironic twist/Joke about Jotaro. Big-lip sensei? I already forgot about him XD. I'm still on the fence about giving Star Platinum the ability to use jutsu, but I'll see where things go. As for his love interests, they're all going to be foreign kunoichi and some shinobi, because JJBA is the most homoerotic series out there...That's why it's so good.
Bearticguy7: Beartic is my second favorite bear pokemon :P. As for who gets the Steely Dan treatment and who gets the Cioccolata special, well Orochimaru is a dead ringer for the latter, as is Obito.
uwotm007: Unless you're Okuyasu, nobody can JUST fill in for Kakyoin, just like nobody can JUST deflect the emerald splash. So he's not gonna be replaced obviously.
Mic Lubijar: (In old Josephs voice) Huh?! Become a Redditor? Won't be followed? Abusing? What's this about a chilly pigeon?
Guest: It's an interesting idea, but I should be frank, I had years of ideas for fanfictions bubbling up in my head, but I spent years of working up the confidence (and waiting for the series to end) to post my first fic, the one for Tokyo Ghoul. If you have an idea, don't hoist onto others, do it yourself. You came up with the idea, you'd be the only one who could really do it the way you'd want in the first place. Just like Kubo Tite said in a tweet, "If you have the talent to draw something more interesting than Bleach, you should become a manga artist right away. If it's interesting, it will definitely be more successful than Bleach".
Flickered Raven: Oh yes, if I ever did a fic like that, then I would ask to be shot in the face for it. I'm doing everything I can to not make Mary Sues/Gary Stus, while still telling the story the way I want. That will lead to my final goal...getting a TV Tropes page! (jk).
As always, thank you for the followings and reviews. For everybody interested, please leave any thoughts, questions, and constructive criticism in your reviews.