"When I wake up, you'll be here?"

"Yes, Nicky."

Noah tucked the thin summer comforter snugly around the boy's tiny frame.

"When I wake up you'll be here with Luke?"

"Yes."

"And Granddad?"

Noah smiled, "And Granddad. We will all be here when you wake up."

"Pinkie promise?"

The hand held up in the air before his face was so tiny and adorable that Noah couldn't resist grabbing and kissing it before he hooked his little finger with Nicholas's.

"I promise kid. Now go to sleep, okay?"

"Okay. But don't go yet."

"No. I'm going to stay right here until you're asleep."

"Pinkie promise?"

This time Noah knew Nicholas was playing to prolong the conversation so he said sternly, "Nicky! Sleep!"

The eyes closed and the little mouth curled up in a cheeky smirk.

Once he was sure the worried little man was settled, he checked on Mia. She too was already breathing soundly. He kissed her sweet head that smelled of baby shampoo.

Satisfied he left them to their slumber.

...

He heard the shower stop running and knocked on the bathroom door; opening it just as Luke was stepping out of the cubical; dripping all over the floor mat.

"You out?"

"Yeah." Luke responded, grabbing a towel from the rack and dabbing his body dry; but avoiding his back.

Noah waited until Luke had the towel wrapped around himself, before turning the man around and frowning at the welts and bruises that still burnt a painful purple colour. "Did you take your meds?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Wait for me in the bedroom while I shower quick. I'll bring everything there. I think we should rather dress these outside of all this steam…"

Luke nodded and slipped past Noah on his way out the door. He tried to catch Noah's eye but he'd been unsuccessful in doing so since they boarded Lucinda's plane back to the States; and now was no exception.

Ignoring the attempt Noah moved toward the shower and pulled his shirt off, "I won't be long."

"Noah?" Luke sighed, "When are you going to forgive me?"

"When I'm ready Luke!" Noah snapped without turning around, "You don't get to dictate that, okay?"

"Okay." Luke conceded softly. "I'll be in the bedroom."

Noah waited until he heard the door close before removing the remainder of his clothing, folding the articles neatly and laying them atop the laundry basket.

Passing the bathroom cabinet he paused, rubbed the mist off the mirror with his palm and examined himself, running fingers through his hair and shaking his head. The turmoil of his mind showed clearly on his face in the form of dark black rings under his eyes.

Luke was right, he was still angry. But what Luke had yet to realise was that Noah was far angrier at himself.

It was a scary deep seated anger he knew he would have to work through, but to do so he needed to make a confession. He needed to look into the mirror like he was doing now and face a side of himself he really didn't want too.

And that was the hard part. He couldn't forgive Luke until he could properly forgive himself.

...

Finished in the shower and resolved to tackling the issues keeping him awake at night; he tied a towel around his waist. He grabbed the medical kit from above the cabinet and made his way back along the creaky farmhouse floorboards to the bedroom.

It was unfortunate timing because just at the moment he opened the bedroom door, Lily walked by and caught a glimpse of Luke through the opening.

"Oh my God! Luke!"

Luke turned just in time to catch the shocked and terrified expression on his mother's face. She half barrelled Noah over in her efforts to reach Luke, holding her son steady by one arm, while she examined the criss-crossed wounds on his back.

"Sorry Mom. I didn't want you to see it. I was waiting for Noah to finish his shower so he could bandage me up."

"What happened?" She cried, tears falling quickly, "Who would do this?"

There was anger in her voice as she turned Luke around and cupped his cheeks, searching his eyes for the pain she was sure she'd find there.

"Mom!" Luke moved his head to break the contact and took her hand in his own, turning it to place two kisses in her palm, "I'm okay. We're back, we're safe, and that's what I'm focussing on right now."

Seeing Lily's upset over the state of her son was the final straw for Noah. As her horrified and questioning eyes fell to him for answers a shiver ran fully up Noah's spine and the medical kit he was still holding fell with a crash; spilling its contents to the floor.

He turned and ran, following the roll of medical bandage as it unravelled quickly down the stairs before him.

"Noah!" he heard both mother and son call simultaneously.

Thanking God that Emma wasn't in the kitchen at that time, he hurried outside where he knew she had hung his washing to dry. Mindless he snatched a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from the line; clothes pegs flying; and pulled them on damp right there in the yard. Shockwaves flooded through him and he paused briefly; overcome by a choking fit.

When he could breathe again he looped the used towel over a nearby fence and headed for the barn.

"Dad?" he called before he'd ever stumbled through the large barn doors.

When he didn't get a response right away he began to panic. He needed to talk. He had too. Right now!

"HOLDEN?"

"In the back!"

The older man's voice was like a warm blanket on a cold day. Noah headed for it.

He found Holden in the store room at the back of the barn, trying to repair a hole in the wooden wall by nailing an extra plank of wood across it.

"Hold this for me will you?" He asked, without looking back at his son-in-law.

Noah pressed his hands against the plank of wood as Holden prepared to bang the first nail through the end. But he was shaking so much the plank slipped through his fingers, falling onto the floor with a loud clanking sound that frightened the horses.

"I'm sorry." Noah exclaimed with more horror than the incident demanded and for the first time Holden noticed the state he was in.

"I'm so sorry." Noah repeated.

"What is it son?"

Holden bent to lay his tools to one side and turned to give Noah his full attention.

"You said I could talk to you…"

"Yes… and I meant it."

"You won't judge me?"

"Have I ever?"

Noah shook his head, "No… But you don't know what I've done…"

Holden's hand came up to Noah's shoulder, "Noah breathe! There is nothing you can say to change the way I feel or think about you. I love you like a son. Do you understand?"

"That might change when you know-"

"No!" Holden insisted firmly.

The man was totally sincere. Noah knew that and shook his head, mouth moving but no words coming out. He couldn't lose Holden's respect. He'd come to depend on it. He needed this man in his life.

"You're trembling. What are you so afraid of?" Holden asked.

Noah took comfort from the man's hand still gripping his arm. But he knew that would soon change.

"I don't want to become like my father…" he whispered; tears sparkling in the beam of early evening sunlight streaming through the hole in the wall.

"Noah you are nothing like-"

"I hit him." Noah quickly interrupted before Holden could complete the thought. "I hit Luke."

As predicted Holden's hand left Noah's shoulder as Luke's father used it to rub contemplatively at his chin. Noah braced himself for the reprimand he expected would come. Of all the things he'd done to hurt Luke over the years this definitely trumped up to be one of the worst.

When the older man said nothing Noah continued, "I don't even know where it came from. It was like a viper inside of me; like… like I had to make him understand. Hear me! For once he had to hear me!"

The two men stood together as those words floated between them. Holden said nothing; sensing Noah had more to say.

"It was just like the Colonel. When he would hit me he was blinded… like I wasn't doing want he expected… what he wanted… And now it's me doing it…"

"Noah-"

"…and what if it's Nicky next time? Or Mia?" Noah closed his eyes to squeeze away the teardrops forming around their edges. He opened them to find Holden still standing firm before him, "I don't want to be like him! But what if I am?"

"You are nothing like your father."

"But-"

"No!" Holden insisted. "Would your father have regretted hitting you?"

Noah considered this for a moment and then shook his head.

"Did you apologies to Luke?"

Noah nodded.

"And he forgave you?"

"He told me he deserved it."

To Noah's surprise Holden smiled and laughed slightly at that. "Most likely did."

"No he didn't!" Noah was horrified, "Nobody deserves to be hit like that Dad!"

"No they don't. The very fact that you know that proves you are nothing like your father."

Noah jolted as he realised what Holden had done there. Holden just grinned.

"Did your father ever apologise after he hit you?"

"No way."

"I rest my case."

Noah frowned, "How can you not be angry? I hit him Dad!"

"Under extremely unique and stressful conditions Noah. Hell, even I wanted to hit him when he disappeared like he did! We both know how Luke can fray on your nerves." Holden held both of Noah shoulders now, "I totally trust you son. You would die before you hurt those kids. And I trust you with Luke. And I forgive you, okay? If that's what you need from me."

Noah bit his lower lip and stared at their shoes. He lifted his eyes slowly and realised quickly that Holden meant what he was saying. That fact alone relaxed Noah slightly and he nodded.

"Now?" Holden continued, "What else is bothering you?"

Noah flinched. How had Holden sensed that?

"What else is keeping you up at night?"

"You noticed?"

"Hard not to. I'm up before the rooster and off to bed late with all the work needs doing on the farm. I've seen you wondering the land in the middle of the night when Luke's tucked up in bed. Does he even know you're not sleeping?"

Noah turned away and suddenly found the paint storage shelf extremely fascinating.

"Remember what I taught you about avoidance? There is no judgement here son. I promise."

Noah blinked a few times. He did want to talk about this. It just wasn't very easy to get out; to relive.

"Luke doesn't know and I can't tell him." He turned back to face his father-in-law, "Not right now anyway. He's still having nightmares and he doesn't need to deal with this too. But I can't get it out my head. And at night it won't let me sleep."

"What son? What doesn't Luke know?"

"That I was there…"

"There?"

"We all were. The reporters and me… On the other side of the wall…"

Holden closed his eyes in realisation before Noah even finished his sentence.

"…while they whipped him."

Holden slumped in sympathy, "Oh Noah."

"I can't get his cries out of my head." Noah sobbed, "They're all I hear when I close my eyes. He was calling for me, you know that? He begged me to come and I tried Dad! Please believe me I tried to get to him. But the others wouldn't let me. They held me down and we just sat there while they…"

Holden's right hand smoothed around the back of Noah's neck and pulled the boy to him.

"…they hurt him. God! They really hurt him!"

Noah pressed the top of his head into his father-in-law's chest; shoulders heaving and tears staining Holden's blue shirt.

"All I can hear are his screams…"

"Noah?"

Noah jumped with fright at the sound of Luke's earnest and disbelieving voice. His husband stood by the open doorway looking shocked and sad and sympathetic all at once. It was clear from the expression on his face that Luke had heard enough to know the whole truth.

A small cry escaped Noah's lips as he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. The tears flowed, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry baby… I tried…"

Luke cocked his head despondently and walked over to draw Noah to him. Noah went willingly, desperate to hold him. They cried together; held up in each other's arms; as they came to terms with what happened.

"Those guys did the right thing bubby." Luke whispered into his ear, "They protected you. They protected themselves. I got myself into that situation. Me! And it was nobody's job to risk themselves for me. Got it!"

"It's my job."

"It's your job to catch me when it's all over. That's what you said, remember? And you did."

"I just love you so much Luke."

"I know. That's why I'm going to promise something right now…" Luke drew back so that Noah could see his face, but he didn't unravel his arms from around Noah's waist, "…and you can hold me to this okay?"

Noah nodded."

"I will never put you through anything like this again. I'll never take advantage of your love for me. Because that's what I did. I knew you'd be angry. I knew you wouldn't want me to go but I also knew you'd be here when I got back. Eventually you'd forgive me. And I used that against you to get what I wanted. It was wrong."

Noah nodded. It seemed that Luke was finally starting to understand. Their past meant Noah was forever bound to Luke. Noah would always be there, waiting for Luke to return from whatever hair-brained quest he'd undertaken.

"I want to believe you." Noah replied softly.

Luke nodded and smiled, "I know. I'm going to prove it to you. You'll see."