Tris and Eric stayed in the big bathtub until their fingers and toes pruned up. They sat with Tris' back leaned against Eric's chest. They talked, and kissed, and shared innocent touches. Tris finally admitted that Peter Hayes had been her first kiss. She hadn't wanted to tell the story after Peter attacked her at the graduation overnight party, but there in the bath with Eric, she finally felt relaxed enough to talk about it.
"We were in tenth grade," Tris said, "our second year in the Dauntless program. He wasn't bad looking, and I was fifteen and stupid. He said all the right things, paid me compliments, that kind of thing. He asked me to the fall dance at Factions, and I said yes. Our parents dropped us off because we were too young to drive."
"Peter met me at the door," she continued, and Eric could hear reluctance in Tris' voice, so he put his hands on her shoulders and started stroking her soft skin with his thumbs. "We went in, and we danced a little bit, said hi to our friends, the usual stuff. He got me some punch from the punchbowl and asked me to go for a walk with him. I agreed, and we went out to the front lawn of the school. He took me around the corner and into a dark little nook, where he grabbed me and kissed me."
"I was shocked," she continued, shaking her head at the memory. "There was no warning, so build-up, no warmth. I was just suddenly pinned to the wall and kissed, hard. When Peter pulled back he had this wicked grin on his face. He looked over his shoulder and yelled, `You owe me twenty bucks, dumbasses! I told you I could get the stiff to kiss me!' That's when Drew and Molly appeared. They all laughed at me, paid Peter for losing the bet, and took off. I was humiliated. I ran all the way home and never told anyone what happened."
Eric pressed a kiss into Tris' neck. "I'm no psychologist," he said gently, "but I'm guessing that plays into your fear of intimacy. Your first kiss was taken from you, without your control or consent, by a guy who just grabbed you for his own gain."
"Yeah," Tris said sadly. "And my first little boyfriend-girlfriend relationship ended because Robert wanted a girl with big boobs. What pisses me off the most is that neither of those guys are worth it. Neither of them mean anything to me, and I wouldn't be with either of them if you paid me good money. Yet they both managed to inflict damage I'm stuck with."
"That's the sad but true story for everyone," Eric said as he began gently massaging Tris' back and shoulders. "Our parents, friends, enemies, exes, even strangers on the street - they all write the story of our lives, even if they're not worthy of that role. Remember when that old lady was talking about me in the grocery store a while back? It took a long time for me to get over what she said, and I doubt I'll ever forget it. She struck a nerve and fed the insecurities I was already battling. I'm guessing the same is true for you and Peter. You came to Factions behind the curve. Abnegation Middle School didn't adequately prepare you for high school and the other factions. Peter preyed on that and took advantage of your lack of experience."
"Hmmm," Tris hummed, enjoying the feel of Eric's big, strong hands on her shoulders and back. "As much as I hate to say it, I think I saw some of the same things in you. Don't get me wrong, you're nothing like Peter, but your experience and your age made me feel, as you put it, 'behind the curve'. I wasn't afraid that you would humiliate me, but I wasn't confident that I could keep up or meet your expectations. In a lot of ways, I'm still not."
"No expectations," Eric reiterated. "I just want to love you in whatever ways you feel comfortable being loved. I want to take care of you and show you just how precious and important you are."
"You are too good to be true," Tris said, reaching under the water to run her hands up and down Eric's muscular legs.
"Yet far less than you deserve," he replied.
.
Tris and Eric slept like the dead after their relaxing bath and heart-to-heart talk. They woke on Friday morning to the sound of Ava babbling through the baby monitor. Eric went to the nursery, changed the baby's diaper, and brought her back to his big bed, where Tris was still snuggled under the covers.
"Good morning, Sunshine," Tris greeted the little one. Ava squealed and flailed her arms and legs in response, reaching for Tris.
Eric set his daughter on the foot of the bed and watched her drag and wiggle herself into Tris' arms. Ava continued to babble and squeal as Tris gave her a good morning kiss. The little girl laughed, and dove head first into Tris' face, blowing raspberries and giving slobbery open-mouth baby kisses as she babbled happy nonsense.
"I think she likes having you here in the morning," Eric said with a laugh as he dropped down on the bed beside his girls.
Tris laughed too, and rolled so she could tickle the baby. This led to a game of peek-a-boo, and soon Ava was laughing wild baby giggles.
"She really is a very happy baby," Tris observed, giggling along with Ava. "And a good sleeper, too."
"She is well-loved, and has been since she was an hour old," Eric said, kissing Tris and Ava alternately on their cheeks.
"She was well-loved by her daddy before she was born," Tris reminded him, kissing him on the lips.
"It took her a little longer to track down the mommy she wanted, though," Eric teased.
"That word again," Tris said, rolling her eyes.
"Duchess?" Eric asked hesitantly. "Do you… Do you not want to be Ava's mommy?"
"No!" Tris exclaimed. Seeing Eric's face fall, Tris grabbed his arm. "Yes!" she tried again. "I don't know how to answer your question the way you worded it! I would be proud to be Ava's mom. I love her - you know that. I don't like when you call me that because I don't want her confused."
"Tris, look at that baby," Eric said, stroking Tris' cheek.
Tris glanced down and couldn't help but smile at the chubby baby gazing at her adoringly.
"She's not confused," Eric said. "She already knows you're her mommy. Don't you, Ava? Ma-ma-ma."
"Ma-ma-ma," Ava copied.
"See," Eric said.
"Da-da-da," Tris said.
Ava smiled and latched on to the new sound. "Da-da-da," she said.
"She copies noises at this age," Tris said. "She's too young to say words on purpose."
"She might not talk, but she knows," Eric said confidently. "She knows that you're her mommy. You're the one who loves her and takes care of her. You always have been. I hope you always will be."
"Hope," Tris repeated. "That's the thing. We've officially been dating for less than a month. It seems like a stretch to confer step-motherhood on the girl you've been seeing for such a short time."
"Duchess, that's not our situation and you know it," Eric said. "For us it's more like Melinda was a surrogate and you're Ava's mom. You've had her since the day she was born. Honestly, you've been her acting parent for more of her life than I have. Now mommy and daddy are together, like a traditional family."
"The courts would laugh at your version," Tris said as she picked up Ava to go find breakfast. "Legally, I'm just her daddy's girlfriend and her former foster parents' teenage daughter."
"Screw the courts," Eric growled in frustration as he followed Tris and Ava down the stairs. "Our situation isn't normal!"
"So we're not the 'traditional family'?" Tris said, poking holes in his argument.
"I don't understand why you refuse to accept this!" Eric ranted as he watched Tris buckle Ava into the highchair. "Look at you! From the moment you found Ava, the two of you have been bound to one another. You love her. You take care of her. You understand her. I have no doubt that you would die for her. She is yours and you are hers! Your family calls themselves Grandma, Papa, and Uncle Caleb. Yet every time someone calls you her mommy, you act like you're insulted! Why?"
Tris watched Ava's face fall as her father ranted. The baby's chin quivered, and her bottom lip stuck out as tears filled her eyes.
"Those are honorary titles," Tris said, smiling at the baby and stroking her cheek to reassure her. "A child cannot have too many grandparents or uncles and aunts. I know I fill the mother role in Ava's life. I know she's my girl and we're close. But she's not my daughter. I can't legally make decisions for her or about her. If you and I broke up, you could take her away from me, and I wouldn't have a leg to stand on."
With Ava no longer threatening tears, Tris stood and walked past a stunned Eric to prepare Ava's breakfast. "Ava had a mother. As she grows up, she'll need to know about Melinda. In fact, if you have any pictures of her, it would be a good idea to print them so Ava can have them later."
"Melinda is not her mom!" Eric suddenly yelled, making Tris and Ava startle. Ava began to cry, and Tris removed her from the highchair and held her close as Eric continued to yell.
"Moms don't run away and tell the father that his baby is dead! Moms don't throw their children away like garbage! Real moms don't choose drugs over their family! As far as I'm concerned, Melinda was just an egg donor! You are Ava's mom!"
At the end of his raving, Eric tossed his half-full cup of coffee into the sink roughly. Tris heard the mug break as coffee splattered up the wall and across the countertop. Eric turned and stormed back up the stairs.
Tris kept comforting Ava. "Daddy has some unresolved anger with your birth mother," she explained to the baby. Even though Ava wouldn't understand, Tris knew that her calm words would be soothing to the infant. "I think he wants me to be your mommy so he can feel like you're not missing anything. Maybe he has guilt because he made a baby with someone who isn't worthy of the title of mommy.
"I know we belong to each other, Sunshine, but 'mommy' is a heavy crown. I don't want to stir up more rumors and trouble, especially when I don't even have legal rights."
Once the baby was calmed, Tris put her back in the highchair and began feeding her. They sat in silence together for some time as Tris spooned rice cereal into Ava's mouth and the baby smacked her lips and ate heartily.
Tris was wiping Ava's face and the highchair tray when Eric came back downstairs. He was dressed for the day, and carried a large manilla envelope, which he dropped on the kitchen table beside Tris.
"There," he said.
"What's that?" Tris asked.
"A copy of my will," Eric replied. "I told you before, I named you Ava's guardian if I die. It's all right there, but what it says is that if I die or become incapacitated, Ava goes to you. Should you decline or be unable to care for her, she goes to your parents. Everything I own goes to Ava, and your dad is to be the executor of my estate and handle all of that for Ava until she's twenty-one."
"Twenty-one?" Tris asked.
"She becomes an adult at eighteen," Eric explained, "but the estate continues to provide for her education and whatnot until she's twenty-one. After that she can make financial decisions. Throwing all of that at an eighteen-year-old is a lot."
"I'm eighteen," Tris said quietly.
Eric stopped dead in his tracks and looked at Tris like he'd never seen her before. He swore quietly and dropped into a kitchen chair. Tris lifted Ava out of the highchair and put her in the jumper on the other side of the kitchen, then walked to the coffee maker and poured herself a cup.
"Is all of this too much for you?" Eric asked from the table, where he sat with his head in his hands.
Tris took a sip of coffee as she thought about the question. "Yes and no," she finally answered. "I love you, and I love Ava. If anything happened to you, I would want to raise her. I don't want to lose her. But in the eyes of the law, society, and the voting public, I'm just a kid. You said it yourself, an eighteen-year-old isn't ready for that much responsibility."
"But I know you," Eric countered. "You're mature, thoughtful, smart, and more than capable. I can't leave my estate to a baby not knowing what she'll be like at eighteen. A lot of the kids your age aren't mature enough to make decisions about investments or raise a baby."
"This is less about what I'm capable of or how Ava and I feel, and more about how it looks," Tris admitted. "You just referred to me and my peers as 'kids', Eric. Even you recognize that I'm only an adult on a technicality. To the people who read that article in Chicagoland Magazine or saw me on TV yesterday, I'm just a kid. To people who see me with Ava in public, I look like either a babysitter or a teen mother. I can't take Ava to the doctor, pick her up at a daycare, or enroll her in school. I can't make decisions about her treatment or care. Calling me her mom is just going to fuel trouble without actually meaning anything!"
Eric shook his head and pulled some papers out of the manilla envelope. "I want you to know that if it were up to me, I would marry you tomorrow," he said, not daring to look up at Tris and see her reaction. "You're it for me. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to raise Ava together, and probably have a couple more kids, too. But I can't do that to you. I can't tie you down so fast, mostly because it wouldn't look good, but also because you need time to be sure that's what you really want.
"The state of Illinois won't let you adopt Ava and legally co-parent because we're not married - I looked into it. You're already listed as guardian in my will, but as long as I'm alive and we're not married, there isn't really a co-custody option," Eric continued, not lifting his gaze from the papers in his hands. "This form is called an 'Appointment of Short-term Guardianship', and it gives you legal guardianship rights if I'm not available. It's not permanent like adoption, and it doesn't take Ava from me to give her to you like full guardianship, but it's the best I can do for now. I also have a power of attorney form that legally makes you my next of kin so you can make decisions for me if I can't."
Eric set the stack of papers on the table. Tris noticed his slumped and defeated posture. "Everything about our situation is unusual," he concluded. "I have no living relatives. I just have Ava, and Ava just has me. She sees you as her mother, and I see you as my partner, co-parent, and future. I hate pushing you about this. I know how young you are. I know that everyone is watching us like some kind of sideshow right now. But every time you scold me for referring to you as Ava's mom, it feels like… like rejection, and a reminder that she and I are alone in the world.
"I heard what you said to Ava when I went upstairs. I sat on the stairs and listened to you, and you were exactly right. I failed as a man and as a father when I got Melinda pregnant. I wouldn't take it back because Ava is amazing, and one of the best things that ever happened to me. But I still failed her from conception, Tris! She was nearly killed because of my choice of girlfriend and my carelessness in having unprotected sex with a woman who couldn't even take care of herself! It breaks my heart that Ava has no one to call mommy. At the same time, she isn't missing anything. Melinda didn't deserve to be Ava's mom; she proved that when she abandoned her to die. You have been Ava's real mom; you've given her everything she needs or could ever want. Yet you reject the title. I just… That just… I know it's not fair to put this on you, but it hurts!"
Tris' heart broke at Eric's words and the desperation in his voice. She set her coffee down and walked to where he sat at the table, head down, shoulders slumped, and hands resting on his lap. She wrapped her arms around him from the back and rested her chin on the top of his head.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought I was protecting us."
Eric lifted his hands from his lap and rested them on Tris' arms. "I know," he said.
"Can we try something?" Tris asked. "Ava won't actually be talking for a few more months, and we have just over four months until the election. What if we decided to put a date on it, like we did with sex? Until the election, you don't refer to me as Ava's mom. After that, if we're still together and you still want me in that role, I'll accept the title."
"I already know," Eric said, turning himself and pulling Tris onto his lap. "We'll still be together, and I'll still want you to accept that you're her mom. If you want me to keep it quiet until after the election, that's fine. But you have to quit saying 'if' all the time. You're it for me; don't doubt my feelings."
"Okay," Tris said, kissing Eric's neck tattoo. "I accept your offer of guardianship and power of attorney in the event that something happens to you, and after the election you can start calling me Ava's mom. Do we need to find a rubber ducky to swear on?"
Eric laughed. "What if Ava talks sooner than the election?" he asked.
"I won't correct her if she calls me Mama," Tris said. "Same for strangers in public. If someone calls me her mother, I won't say anything - unless it's a reporter or something. But in return, I expect you to stop saying it. I swear you and my mom are responsible for the rumors out there. I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to hurt Dad's campaign, either, and I really don't like the unnecessary media attention."
"I'll do my best," Eric said. "Shall we seal it with a kiss?"
Tris pressed her lips to Eric's in a kiss that quickly became passionate. They poured all their stress, heartache, hope, and love out to one another, reveling in the expression of their feelings. Tris ran her fingers through Eric's hair as she pressed her body impossibly closer to his. Eric let his hands wander a little, stroking Tris' arms and back, and squeezing her hips. He resisted the strong urge to grab her butt or feel the silky skin under her pajama top.
"I love you," Tris said breathlessly.
Ava squealed, a frustrated noise that indicated she was growing bored with the jumper.
"I'll get her," Eric said. "You should go get dressed. I thought maybe this morning we could walk to the park for a bit, then when Ava naps I'd like to tackle the paint job in the gym. It's all prepped."
"I don't have clothes to paint in," Tris said, "but I'm happy to hang out with you and help how I can."
Eric rescued Ava from the jumper and got her ready to leave while Tris got dressed and braided her long hair. They spent a relaxed morning at the park, pushing Ava in the infant swing and trying to get her to sit in the grass without freaking out about the feel of it on her skin.
At noon, they put the baby back in her stroller and walked back to Eric's house for lunch. Tris laid Ava down for a nap, and they got to work painting the gym. Tris was dressed in a pair of Eric's boxers and a large shirt that had a tendency to slip off her shoulder and distract Eric, who would inevitably stop what he was working on to pepper kisses on the exposed skin. By the time the room was painted, Tris and Eric were both fairly well covered in paint drips and handprints, and they had to take turns showering before packing up Ava and going to the Priors' for dinner.