If I owned Sam and Max, they would not be as obsure as they are today.
Why are you still surprised?
It was yet another glorious Saturday morning, even if it was raining for the fourth day in a row, and all was quiet.
…Well, until the group of cars screeched to a halt in front of one house.
You see this wasn't just any house….
…it was the home of Sam and Max, freelance police!
Out of the first car stomped an angry looking Stinky, quickly followed by her grandfather. Then came Flint from the next, Mama Bosco and Bosco from the van, and finally Sybil. All quickly taking shelter under a collection of umbrellas.
"So, what brings all of you here?" Sybil, asked.
"Colleting a tab." Grandpa stinky explained "long overdue if you ask me. Not that that's anything new."
"I know that little gremlin messed with my dating profile!" Stinky snapped "do you have any idea the freaks I've been getting in my recommendations?!" she cried, waving her phone around.
"Your shocked by that?" Bosco asked with a snort.
"Of course not, how do you think I know its him?!" she snapped.
"I'm investigating the disaster that is now my lab." Mama Bosco explained, her voice laced with annoyance "the whole thing has Sam and Max written all over it."
"Literally, they wrote their names all over the lab" her son Bosco groaned, "guess who had to clean it?"
"can't say that's news to me" Flint muttered, mother and son glaring tiredly.
Sybil nodded. "I just need them for an errand" she explained. "I told them to be at my office by seven…" Sybil glanced at her watch "…its almost noon."
"And this surprises you?" Mama Bosco asked with and arched brow.
"Not in the least" she looked at the cop. "Flint?"
"Got a case I need them for. Been calling for half an hour with no answer so business as usual." Was all he said.
The small group made their way to the front door of the surprisingly normal looking abode, all huddled under umbrellas. They all had their missions in mind and they all refused to fail. More importantly they were confident they could succeed.
After all the time they'd known the freelance police, nothing they could do surprised them anymore.
They marched up the door, ready for whatever awaited them on the other side. Mama Bosco knocked loud enough so there was no way they didn't hear her. They all waited, but on one came. Mama Bosco knocked again, a little louder this time. They waited again, but still no one came.
"Oh for crying out loud!" Stinky snapped. Marching up and pushing Mama Bosco out of the way, she proceeded to loudly bang on the door repeatedly.
"Stinky the neighbors" Sybil hissed.
"Like they aren't used to it!" She continued to bang rapidly on the door while the others shifted awkwardly, trying not to draw anymore attention. Stinky wasn't wrong, the neighbors probably were used to worse, but that didn't mean they were free to cause a ruckus.
After what felt like too long, they heard movement from inside the home and the door began to open. Stinky ceased her banging and got ready to start yelling the ear off of whichever the two dared face her, only for her rant to fall flat before it started. In fact, the whole group was now looking in front of them in confusion.
A young girl stood at the door, hand on the knob, staring up at them unimpressed. She appeared to be around nine to twelve, with short red hair and wearing pajamas, an oversized t-shirt and pajama pants with socks. She looked the group up and down with an expression one would expect from an exasperated thirty-year-old then a child.
"We have neighbors you know" she scolded them flatly "I mean, they've been through worse, but still- "
"Uh" Bosco cut the girl off, scratching his head in confusion. "I thought this was Sam and Max's place?" None of them had actually been to the duos house before, each had the address, but for one reason or another never came by. Perhaps they misread?
"It is" she said blankly.
Sybil pushed herself forward and crouched down to better face the child. "Sam and Max, freelance police?" she made sure to clarified.
The girl nodded "yep."
The rag tag group shared a confused look. They had the right place, but then who was this? Why was she here?
"Sooo you coming in or…" she asked slowly. At a loss for what to do, they awkwardly shuffled into the house. The girl closed the door once they were all inside and made her way back to the kitchen where she'd been prior.
The group took this time to look around the area. It was a lot more normal then they'd been expecting, kind of reminded them of the duo's office.
"If you plan on eating anything, do not touch the pop tarts." The mystery girl suddenly said, making her way to the couch with a plat of syrup socked waffles "they're Max's and I don't think I need to tell you how that will end." Bosco slowly put down the treat and closed the cabinet door housing the collection in question, backing away.
"I'm sorry who are you?" Stinky snapped, her stupor to the strangers presents having worn off and her ever pleasant mood returning.
"Well officially my name is Darla Gugenheek" she practically gagged as she spoke the name out loud "but you can just call me Geek." She explained simply as she sat down and tuned the TV onto some afternoon show.
Mama Bosco arched a brow "Geek? The Geek?" Her face lit up as she placed her hands on her hips "You're the one they get all their tech from! I have to say I'm impressed."
"That's me" Geek said with a shrug, cutting up her waffles.
"Oh yeah, I think I've heard them talk about you before" Flint nodded.
"I've never heard of her" Stinky complained, crossing her arms. "They never said anything to us."
"Yes they did" her grandpa argued. "If you bothered to listen to anything and look up from your blasted phone" the two glared at each other.
"They've definitely mentioned you, but I didn't realize you were so young" Sybil blushed as she tapped her fingers together. Now she understood why, back when she had her matchmaking business, Sam and Max had reacted the way they did when she'd suggested finding their mysterious friend the Geek a date.
Geek waved her hand "I get that a lot" she said, taking a bit. Geek stared at them as she ate, making sure to swallow before speaking. "let me guess, Sybil, Flint, the Bosco's, and the Stinky's" she pointed to each of them as she addressed them.
The small party exchanged a look in surprise. "You know who we are?" Sybil asked.
"Sure they talk about you guys plenty."
"Well then, how come we've never met?" Bosco challenged.
The Geek met him with a hard stare, making the older man back down instantly. "You all clearly have their address, why haven't you come to visit?" She challenged back. "Sam invited you to a fourth of July BBQ none of you came."
"In our defence" Flint chimed "the idea of being around Max and fireworks at the same time wasn't exactly…reassuring."
The young girl thought for a moment, then gave a nod "yeah, that's fair."
Not wanting to just continue standing around, and wanting to make things less weird, they all helped themselves to some orange juice still on the counter and sat around the TV with the Geek. Still the feeling lingered, for them at least, the Geek didn't seem the slightest bit fazed by their presents, like she was completely used to them and hadn't literally just met them.
Finally, Sybil cleared her throat and broke the silence. "So… where are Sam and Max?"
"Sleeping" Geek answered simply "give them a few minutes, they'll be with you soon. What brings you here anyway?"
Before anyone could respond, Stinky shot her a glare. "what are we doing here? What are you doing here?!" she snapped, not liking this random child who was, in her mind, trying to look her nose down on them.
Geek didn't even spare her a glance as she continued eating. "I live here" she said, taking another bite.
The gang stared in surprise, but Stinky just scoffed. "what do you mean you live here?"
"Well see that hallway down there?" Geek asked in a sarcastic tone "there's a room down there with a bed I sleep in, a closet full of my cloths, my personal belonging scattered about."
"Sometimes I've been known to eat the food in the kitchen and watch the TV, like I'm doing right now…"
"I think" Flint said quickly, not liking the look of the vain on Stinkys forehand. "What Stinky meant is we're just a little confused to find you here."
"Like I said, I live here."
"Why?!" Stinky snapped "what self respecting person would willingly live with…THEM?!" her grandfather nodded.
"She's not wrong man" Bosco admitted "you seem pretty chill."
"It is a little odd for someone with your intellect" his mother added.
Even Sybil and Flint had to nod in agreement. They liked Sam and Max of course, but even they couldn't picture being around them 24/7.
Geek shrugged. "Well I am their daughter."
Everyone's heads turned in her direction so fast, they could've gotten whiplash. Eyes wide and jaws dropped. Mama Bosco almost dropped her cup, Stinky did drop her cup, Bosco spit out the sip of juice he'd been in the middle of taking and began hiking up a lung, Grandpa Stinky fell out of his chair, and both Sybil and Flint were just frozen.
None of them could process what they'd just heard, neverminded believe it. It was like a they'd been struck by lightning, or paralyzed. The Geek, on the other hand, just carried on with her breakfast and TV watching, like she hadn't just dropped a bomb the size of Delaware on them.
"…WHAT?!"
In an instant they had surrounded the girl, who continued to watch them casually.
"What do you mean you're their daughter?!" Bosco cried once he'd caught his breath.
"Well obviously I'm adopted- "she began.
"No! you know what we mean!" Stinky snapped again, cutting her off. "how the hell can those two freaks have a kid?!"
"Again, adopted."
Stinky dragged her hands down her face, letting out something like a screech. Sybil decided it would be better if she took over and pushed the other woman aside and crouched down once again to meet the child's eyes. "We're just a little confused" she explained "neither Sam or Max ever said anything about you being their…daughter, they never mentioned having kids' period."
Geek stared at them blankly "I mean, did you ask?"
"Who thinks to ask about something like that?!" Grandpa Stinky demanded.
Sybil shook her head in disbelief "asked or not, I'm fairly sure one of them would have mentioned something like recently adopting a kid." Surly one of them, at least Sam, would have said something, anything, even in passing!
…Now she really understood Sam and Max's reaction to her finding the Geek a date suggestion.
"Hold on, hold on!" Mama Bosco suddenly held a hand up. "if I remember right, they've been talking about for at least three years now, when did this happen?"
"Three years ago, like you said."
"THREE YEARS!" Grandpa Stinky cried.
"YOU'VE BEEN THEIR KID FOR THREE YEARS AND WE'RE JUST LEARNING THIS NOW?!" Stinky screeched, practically pulling out her hair.
"How did this even happen?" Flint scratched his head at a loss; it took a lot to catch him off guard and this was a dozy.
"I built a wormhole for my school science far, they thought it was cool, asked if I wanted to help them fight crime, and I said sure." Geek explained matter of factly. "We decided to make it official three…maybe four months later."
Bosco sputtered, looking anywhere he could for an answer and finding none. "Bu-but like, can two random guys do that? Just adopt some kid?"
Geek finished off her waffles, getting up to bring her plate to the kitchen. "Well I couldn't tell you, cause they're not two random guys."
This earned a scoff from both Bosco and Stinky, even the others couldn't hide their amusement that well. "Those two are as random as they come" Stinky sneered.
"Oh, no argument here." Geek confirmed, walking back. "What I meant was its pretty common for couples to adopt."
"HA!" Stinky threw her head back and laughed. "You expect us to believe those two are dating?!"
"No" Geek sat back down, sipping her juice "they're married."
For the second time since they'd arrived, Bosco was chocking, only now on his own spit, and the rest of them were stunned into silence.
"MARRIED!" honestly, how had the two freelancepolice not woken up yet?
"A few times actually" Geek added with a nod. "In fact, they've gotten divorced at least five times just to have an excuse to get married again."
"You-you're messing with us." Mama Bosco said simply, at a loss for any other words.
Geek shrugged. "I don't get it, but they say it keeps things interesting so hey, whatever makes them happy."
Stinky stood up so fast the chair fell over. "No! no way! I refuse to believe either of them, especially that little monster, got married before me even if it was to each other!"
"Well they did and are" Geek told her flatly. "Maybe if you weren't so picky with your profile- "
"I knew that was him!"
"Didn't we already establish that?" Sybil asked, but went ignored.
"You really should thank Max" Geek argued calmly. "All he really did was widen the net, and with a personality like yours, I wouldn't be so selective."
Flint had to get up and restrain Stinky before she could lunge at the child, who in no way seemed bothered or threatened by the woman.
"Okay, now I'm positive one of them would have mentioned that!" Grandpa Stinky threw his hands in the air.
"I think your overestimating them." Geek looked at them almost exasperated "seriously, why are you guys freaking out over this? This is Sam and Max we're talking about."
"We just found out they've had a daughter for three years and have been married for who knows how long." Sybil argued.
"And who knows how many times, apparently" Grandpa Stinky interrupted.
They all nodded "How are we supposed to react?"
"I mean…its Sam and Max, its not like random chaos isn't par the course for those two, I'd think this would just be another day for you guys."
"This isn't like those other times man!" Bosco cried "this is way bigger!"
Geek gazed at him, looking genuinely surprised "really? Out of everything you've experienced with those two, this is the breaking point?"
The group looked at each other, mulling over her statement and debating before Flint answered for all of them. "I mean…yeah kind of" he scratched the back of his head "all that other stuff was insane, but in a way that made you not really want to question it, this is more…normal, how can we not ask questions?"
Mama Bosco nodded "I mean how could we all know them as long as we have and not know any of this?!"
Geek looked at them, eyes dead serious "I don't know, how did you know them as long as you have and not know any of this?"
None of them knew how to respond to her retort, to the situation in general.
All this time.
Sam and Max, married? With a kid?
All. This. Time.
The duo had spoken of their personal lives before, hadn't they? Surly this would have come up, had they just not listened? Brushed it off as more of their insanity induced ramblings?
The idea they had was honestly kind of…upsetting.
"Don't beat yourself up."
They all looked towards Geek, who simply gazed at them in understanding.
"Sam and Max have very, very different views on romance, actually they seem to hate the concept in general and just created their own definition, and they definitely don't follow social norms. It honestly wouldn't and doesn't shock me if they never said anything about their relationship, or about me being their daughter, that's…just how they are."
"And I mean that in a good way. Yeah, they can be frustrating, believe me I know, but they keep life interesting. I consider myself lucky to be their kid."
"You're kidding right?" Stinky asked looking at the girl like she was crazy.
"I mean it." She nodded.
"But your normal" the older one retorted, even the rest couldn't argue that.
"You did hear me say I built a wormhole for a science fair, right?" she asked in amusement. "That's not even counting the things I've built out of boredom. Sure, most of the time I'm more of a parent then either of them, but they never hesitate to let me know they care."
She gave a chuckle "in a lot of ways, I'm just like them, as hard as that is to believe. They're probably the only ones who let me do me." The Geek became quiet as she looked down at her hands, an unreadable from on her face.
They're he only ones who support my science, no matter how risky or crazy.
The only ones who didn't think of me as a mad scientist, evil genius, or a super villain.
Her fist clenched.
They were the only ones who weren't afraid of me. Because they know what that feels like.
"If anything, I think I was always meant to be with them." A small smile graced her face "I belong with them."
The ensemble watched her speechless. "I just…" Sybil started before letting out a sigh "I just thought by now we had them all figured out." The all gave a nod.
"I doubt you, or anyone, ever truly will have them figured out, not even me" she looked back up at them and smirked "but is it really that bad they still have you guessing?"
Before any of them could reply, the duo in question finally came into the room, rubbing the sleep from their eyes.
"Morning Geek" Sam said with as much energy as he could muster "first up as always is see."
"You know it" she confirmed, flinching with a smirk as Max, surprisingly, ruffled her hair and kissed her forehead.
It was only than did either of them notice their house guest. "Oh, hey guy! What brings you hear on this beautiful, if slightly damp, Saturday morning."
"Its noon as of now." Geek corrected.
"My mistake."
"Do you have a harrowing, life threating job for us?" Max asked eagerly, placing his hands together in a pleading manor "oh please let the answer be yes."
Sybil was the first speak, clearing her throat. "Uh it can wait, we were actually just getting to know the Geek, your daughter."
Sam rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "oh yeah! We never did introduce you guys, did we?"
"I assure it was on our to do list" Max said, matter of factly with a nod "right between find and tickle Cthulhu, king the Lovecraftian horrors, and pick up the dry cleaning."
"Have we gotten our dry cleaning yet?"
"Not since they band me for riding the conveyor like a roller coaster and eating all the complementary mints, in fact I think they're being held hostage till I pay for those fifty pantsuits I burned."
"You burned people's cloths?" Mama Bosco asked in surprise.
"They were pantsuits, I was doing those shmucks a favor."
"You crack me up little buddy." Sam chuckled as the began making their way into the kitchen. Even the Geek was giggling at her parents bantering about their antics.
"Hey guys" Flint finally decided to address the elephant in the room, since clearly, they weren't going to anytime soon. "How come you never told us the Geek was your daughter?"
"Or that you have a kid at all?" Mama Bosco added, her son looking just as curious.
"Or that you're married?" Sybil finished, the Stinky's glaring.
The dog and lagomorpha exchanged a look before answering them in a tone that made it seem like it should have been obvious.
"You never asked."
The Geek smiled at them.
Without another world they went into the kitchen to get some late breakfast, "Geek you still hungry?"
"I could go for some bacon." She called back, following behind them.
And just like that, the three began carrying on in what could almost pass for a normal family as they talked about science, the next case and random insanity they all somehow understood.
The group could only watch in silent surprise, trying to make sense of the scene before them. Two of the most insane, chaotic begins they'd ever known, and a brilliant child prodigy, by all accounts they shouldn't have even gotten along, yet they blended together so easily.
So than why hadn't they seen it sooner? Why hadn't they read between the lines? How was it that after all this time, when they all had one another figured out, when Sam and even Max had them figured out, the two were still surprising all of them?
"I doubt you, or anyone, ever truly will have them figured out, not even me but is it really that bad they still have you guessing?"
They thought about what the Geek said, and watched her baking a second breakfast with the freelance police, with her parents, perfectly content.
No.
No, it wasn't a bad thing, not really.
They were Sam and Max, freelance police.
They would always have the world guessing, there would always be surprises.
And that was part of what made life with them, maybe annoying, but always interesting.
"WHO TOUCHED MY POP TARTS?!"
Bosco never ran faster then he did out of that house, wailing the whole time.
I swear I'm not trying to make a habit of uploading new stories on special dates! It just kind of happened for these last two!
It has been awhile since I observed the telltale game series so I do hope the characters from it are portrayed accurately, the idea was to have them thrown for a loop but still.
Again, I hope you enjoyed this, stay tuned for more.