~Reimu Isn't So Great at Boxing~
"Phantom Sign: Sword of Nightmares!"
"Heaven Sign: Starburst!"
Sanae and Youmu spun slowly through the air as they sent waves of bullets in all directions. A hundred flashing swords whirled past fiery blue stars, leaving the moon rabbits scrambling for cover.
Ringo yelped as a star bounced off her soft, round tummy. "Seiran, they're crushing us! Do something!"
"Like what?!" snapped Seiran, weaving desperately through a dozen swords.
"That new spell-card you got! Try it!"
"But I don't even know if-"
Seiran saw Sanae screaming towards her and dove out of the way. Sanae gave her a stinging smack on the foot, but Seiran's other foot found its mark and sent Sanae spiralling into the sky.
Youmu charged at Seiran with swords drawn. Ringo ploughed into her, forcing the air out of her lungs. Youmu grabbed Ringo's ears and swung her around.
"Aiyeeee! Stop! Stop it!" wailed Ringo, flailing helplessly.
"Well, since you asked!" Youmu flung Ringo up into the air.
As soon as she got her bearings, Ringo grabbed a handful of dango from her pocket and threw the chewy treats at Youmu. One, two, three balls of rice flour she slashed in half, but the fourth splatted right in her face. Youmu screamed as the berry sauce stung her eyes.
"YES!" Ringo punched the air. "Now, Seiran, finish them! I know you can do it!"
Seiran whirled past a frog throw by Sanae and gripped her new spell-card. "Here goes… Legendary Arcanum: Danmaku Barrier!"
Thousands upon thousands of bullets exploded outwards. Youmu and Sanae had just a second to react before they were bowled off their feet by a wall of burning light. They plummeted helplessly and flopped down in a battered heap on the grass.
Seiran was screaming as the energy coursed through her body, sparking across her skin and almost setting her clothes on fire. None of her spell-cards had taken even a tenth as much power before.
Just as Seiran was reaching the end of her strength the spell-card stopped. All the bullets disappeared in a shower of blue and purple sparks. Seiran sank down in exhaustion.
"Oh, wow, that was amazing!" Ringo rushed over to hug the exhausted Seiran. "What kind of spell-card was that?! It was so…! So much!"
"Apparently it's one of the rarest spell-cards you can find," said Seiran, with a weary smile. "I had no idea it was going to be so intense!"
"Nor did we," Youmu and Sanae groaned in unison.
Seiran laughed guiltily.
"Where'd you get that spell, anyway? Did you make it yourself?" asked Sanae, propping herself up on her elbows.
"No, I bought it. From Reimu."
"From Reimu?!" repeated Youmu.
"Yeah! She's selling lots of cool stuff now!" declared Ringo.
"Cool… stuff?" repeated Youmu.
"Like spell-cards and things!" Ringo elaborated. "The prices aren't bad."
"Aren't bad?" repeated Youmu.
"Metal Gear?!" cried Sanae, doing a deep, gravelly voice.
An awkward silence followed.
"…And then it turned out the whole thing was just a simulation. Now, the next game chronologically was Metal Gear Solid 4, but Metal Gear Solid 3 came out before that. It was about Solid Snake's dad."
"You mean Solidus Snake?"
"Wh-?! No! It was Naked Snake!" Sanae's brow furrowed. "Or was it Venom Snake? Anyway, some people sent Snakey-boy the Elder into Russia to destroy another Metal Gear, which was actually the first one ever built. He met this woman who was actually two people, neither of which was his mentor who wasn't actually his mother-"
"I'm going to have to stop you there, Sanae."
"Huh? Why?!"
"Self-preservation," said Youmu, drawing an angry pout from Sanae.
They hiked the rest of the way in silence. They could see flags and bunting waving in the breeze as they neared the shrine, and a small crowd of visitors had gathered inside the torii.
"What's going on here?" Sanae elbowed her way to the front of the crowd, an anxious Youmu in tow. Reimu was standing proudly on the decking with a pile of wooden boxes. "Reimu, are you… Are you having a box sale?"
"Hm?" Reimu flinched guiltily. "Oh, Sanae! Hi! These are, um… I promise I haven't sunk to Kanako's level. Just- just hear me out, all right? These boxes are special, all right."
"Wh… What do you mean, 'sunk'?" Sanae glowered at Reimu.
"Oh, nothing… Anyway, these are no ordinary boxes!" said Reimu firmly. "These boxes, ladies and addition ladies, are LOOT-boxes!"
"Loot…?" said Sanae dumbfoundedly.
"Boxes…?" agreed Youmu.
"That's right! In each of these boxes is a super-special random prize!" Reimu launched into her marketing spiel. "It could be a powerful new spell-card, it could be a bomb, it could be a dozen power-up tablets or point biscuits! It could be a new mob-cap or a pair of thermal socks! It could even be a new one-liner for you to say when you win a duel! And what's more, for every ten loot-boxes you purchase, you'll get a free packet of instant noodles!"
"I'll buy one! I'll buy one!" squeaked Chen, running to the front of the shrine.
"All right! Two hundred mon, please," said Reimu.
Chen eagerly passed over a handful of coins. Reimu pocketed them and gave Chen a box.
"Yay!" squeaked Chen, tearing the ribbon off and opening up the box. Her face fell as she pulled out a single red amulet. "Awww… It's just a spell-tag."
Reimu began to sweat. "L-look, everyone! She's thrilled with her purchase!"
"No I'm not! It's a total ripmmmff-?!"
"Another happy customer!" laughed Reimu, her hand clamped over Chen's mouth. "These loot-boxes are selling like hot cakes, ladies and additional ladies, so don't delay! Buy yours today!"
A worried hubbub descended over the crowd.
"Excuse me," said Sakuya, "what are the odds of receiving a single spell-tag?"
Reimu laughed the laugh of a woman who knew the world was falling to pieces around her. "Um, a- a fair and, and sensible amount? Of odds?"
"Are there any other dummy prizes?" asked Narumi.
"No, of course not!" wailed Reimu.
Yuuka grabbed a loot-box off the decking and tore it open. She plucked a small scrap of paper from within and shook it angrily under Reimu's nose. "What's this?" she asked, her voice as sweet as honey laced with plastic explosives.
"That's… That wasn't supposed to be in there." Reimu ducked behind her donation box. "D-do you want a free packet of instant noodles as compensation? There's got to be some back here-"
Yuuka pounced on the box with a furious snarl and stomped it into splintered wreckage. She grabbed Reimu by the throat and hoisted her upright. "What have you got to say for yourself, thief?!"
Gasps of horror rose from the crowd. A few of the weaker youkai bolted into the trees.
Youmu grabbed Sanae's sleeve. Her heart was pounding. "Sanae, we have to do something!"
"Er… Um…" panicked Sanae. "What do you fancy? Fighting Yuuka or fighting Reimu? Or a whole angry crowd?"
Youmu gulped loudly. "Neither would be good!"
"Let me go! I- I'm warning you!" choked Reimu, reaching for her orbs.
"Not a chance. Reimu, you bad girl, I'm going to enjoy punishing you…!" hissed Yuuka.
"I'll buy two thousand," said a voice.
The newcomer's dulcet tones cut through the noise. The throng fell silent in a matter of seconds.
"Two thousand of your finest loot-boxes, please!" All eyes turned to Jo'on, who was weaving her way towards the shrine with bulging wallet in hand.
"H… Huh?" Reimu peered at her through bleary eyes. "Oh, right. Of course. Yuuka, could you put me down?"
"Needle… Common spell-card… One boot… Stockings… Point biscuit…" Jo'on scoffed down the square biscuit and sighed. There were still a hundred boxes to go. "Mob cap… Another common spell-card… Ooh, yay, Divine Virtues of Wind God!" She smooched the rare card, getting glitter and wet purple ink on her face.
"Right, what's next? Amulet… Paint brush… Common spell-card… Mob cap… Mob cap…"
"Um, Jo'on? Hello?"
Youmu and Sanae were clambering over the pile of empty boxes in the front garden. Jo'on barely glanced at them. "If you want some tea, ask Shion. Common spell-card… Piece of coal… Hair ribbon…"
Sanae cleared her throat and stepped forwards. "We've dealt with the Incident, if you were wondering."
"Wasn't wondering. Don't care. Needle… Frilly dress… Power tablet… Hm, the other boot. Point biscuit… Common spell-card…"
Youmu gave Sanae a hopeful look.
"The thing is," said Sanae, "Reimu didn't really want to start selling those box thingies. She was being blackmailed by an evil goddess from the Outside World who wanted to corrupt our spirits."
"One sandal… A pencil… Two nice-looking shells… Common spell-card… Handful of sand… Foldable katana…"
"She wanted to spread greed and cynicism to make herself stronger, but it turned out she was being manipulated by this businessman- a normal human businessman who'd seen Gensokyo in a dream and wanted to turn the place into a theme park," Sanae doggedly pressed on.
"Common spell-card… Common spell-card… Life piece… Hair ribbon… Tiny hat… Lump of copper…"
"Jo'on, we've had a really trying day!" Youmu piped up, flushing red with annoyance. "First we had to fight a squid, then we fought a chimera, then we had tea with a kitsune who tried to poison us, then the goddess showed up and tried to turn our hearts, then we fought all our worst fears inside our own heads-!" she took a deep breath.
"Point biscuit… Piece of coal… Amulet… Straw hat… Common spell-card…"
"Then we spent hours trying to book a train in this huge city called Nagoya, then we broke into a rectangular tower where everything was all white and shiny, then we fought dozens of evil cyborg youkai, then we had to wade through a bunch of tar pits, then Yuuka punched a giant robot in the face, then the businessman tried to drown us in molten titanium…! It ruined my shoes! Jo'on, doesn't that mean anything to you?!"
"Enchanted cape… Safety scissors… One grain of rice… Common spell-card… Needle… Common spell-card…"
Youmu groaned and slumped down on the pile of boxes. "Ohhh, forget it! Just forget it…"
"Common spell-card… Power tablet… Bomb piece… Bread roll… Shell… Little rag-doll…" Jo'on abruptly turned angry as she pulled out another sparkly purple spell-card. "What in the name of-?! Divine Virtues of Wind God AGAIN?! I don't believe this!" She tore the spell-card apart and scattered it on the wind. The scraps burned up as they fell, leaving trails of acrid purple smoke.