~Author's Note~

There are monsters and then there are monsters. Sometimes the monsters look just like you and me. Sometimes the monsters are Touhou fans who don't have any respect for the world or the characters. And sometimes, very rarely, the people of Gensokyo fight back.

~This One Might be a Bit Creepy, so Read With Caution~

My name is Gary de Sade. Reducing women to blubbering wrecks is my hobby, and my goal is to accomplish this feat seven times in one week. For posterity's sake, I have decided to write a chronicle of my travels in Gensokyo, the diversions I sought therein and the women whose days I ruined.

If you have some kind of moral objection to my pastimes, all I can suggest is that you learn to cope. I care little for the comfort of other people, women least of all. Do not expect me to give up my pleasure for some pitiful notion of "kindness" or "decency".

Monday

I decided to start small with my first endeavour. I snuck into the house of Marisa Kirisame and earned her trust by polishing her shoes, whereupon she allowed me to borrow her alchemical supplies. With those not-altogether-unimpressive resources behind me I was able to brew a bucket's worth of powerful adhesive, more than enough to immobilise one of the locals.

I was not willing to ruin the rapport I had with Marisa just then, so I took the glue out into the forest and poured it out onto the path. Sooner or later, a traveller was bound to walk into my trap.

"I don't believe this." Yuuka prodded the pool of glue with her umbrella. A long, sticky strand clung to the metal tip as she raised it. "Who would be stupid enough to spill sticky stuff in the middle of the road and not tell anybody?"

"I don't know," said Wriggle, with a shrug. "Someone's probably messing around."

Yuuka looked up and down the compacted forest track, but she could see nothing suspicious. "Well, somebody needs to clean it up. And in the absence of anybody else, it looks like 'somebody' is the two of us. Can you run home and fetch me a bar of soap?"

"Okay!" Wriggle turned on her heel and sprinted down the path. About halfway to the Garden of the Sun, she remembered that she could travel much faster in the air.

Yuuka sat down beside the path and winced as a sharp stone pricked her. Something was rustling in the undergrowth behind her, but she paid it no heed. It was probably just a fox or something.

Tuesday

I must admit that I have underestimated the inhabitants of this realm. Apparently a simple glue trap is not enough for my purposes. To add insult to injury, the green-haired woman did not notice the thumb-tack I placed beneath her bottom. If such pain tolerance is the norm in here, it does not bode well for my plans.

Today's little escapade will involve a trip to the Human Village. I intend to slip into the book-rental shop and set light to the contents, driving the shop girl to despair. I can hardly wait to watch her bawl her eyes out.

A bell dinged as the door to Suzunaan swung open. Kosuzu looked up from the monthly manga serial she'd propped against the ledgers and smiled. "Hello, there! Welcome to Suzunaan!"

"Do you have any books on farming?" The newcomer spoke with single-minded urgency. He was tall and unhealthily pale, but Kosuzu wasn't about to let that get to her.

"Of, course, sir! We have plenty!" declared Kosuzu. "What crops are you thinking of growing? I can sell you some paper as well, in case you want to take notes-"

"Rice," said the newcomer firmly. "I'm going to farm a bunch of rices. So run along to the basement and fetch me the book, would you?"

"...It's right here." Kosuzu bent down and pulled out a thick volume from the bookshelf on her right. She laid it down on the counter with a heavy thump. "This is the complete guide to every known variety of rice! All the farmers swear by it!"

"Shit," the newcomer muttered.

Kosuzu's jaw dropped. "What?!"

"I said 'this is it'! The perfect book for me! Thank you!" the stranger ground out. "I suppose I'd better settle up. Let me just get me card-wallet... Oh, whoops, a lit match came out of my pocket!"

The match fizzled out with a puff of smoke as it hit the floor.

The stranger began to sweat. "Um..."

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" screamed Kosuzu. She vaulted over the counter, grabbed the stranger by she shoulders and wrestled him out onto the street. "You idiot! Don't you know this is a bookshop?! Don't ever darken my doorstep again!"

Wednesday

I am not pleased with myself. One match is such an unreliable vector to commit arson it is no wonder I failed, and the only one crying was me. Those dirt roads are harder than they look. On the plus side, Marisa made a vegetable stir-fry for breakfast today, and it was delicious. Not as delicious as a helpless woman's tears, but still.

Today I am going to attempt a different tactic. I have heard of a pink sparrow living somewhere in Gensokyo, knowing only fear of a stronger youkai having her for dinner. I wish not to see her devoured, but playing on those fears surely could not hurt...

Mystia had a thumping headache. Rocking out until well past midnight could have that effect, she knew, but it still hurt. Her throat was parched, too. There was nothing else for it; she was going to have to open her eyes and start doing things.

The warm afternoon sun burned Mystia's retinas, but as she grew accustomed to the light she realised she was standing up. She had never been able to sleep on her feet before.

Mystia yawned and stretched out her arms. She felt a pull on her wrists, then something snapped behind her. She whipped around in alarm and found herself face-to-face with a tall wooden pole.

"Well, I never..." Mystia noticed the torn pieces of rope trailing from her wrists. "Is someone having a laugh?! Who tied me up?!" She noticed a shaggy-haired silhouette skulking behind a tree and ran over to it. "Did you tie me to that big stick?!"

The stranger's jaw dropped. He gasped the righteous gasp of an innocent man defending himself from the most craven, outrageous lie. "My dear lady, in the sun goddess's name, you must believe me! I am an innocent, harmless traveler who would never tie anyone up! I did nothing to you!"

"Really?" Mystia tilted her head to one side. "If you say you're innocent, prove it, wolf-boy! Take me on!"

"You want me to take you on?" The stranger gulped. "With those spell-card thingies you people keep talking about? Ah, well, you see..."

"Take... on... me! Take on me! Take... me... on! Take on me! I'll... be... gone! I don't know the rest OF the words!" Mystia squeaked, following the tune with partial accuracy.

The stranger took the opportunity to make a wise decision. He scarpered.

Thursday

Up until yesterday afternoon, I had been under the impression that only upper-echelon youkai possessed such superhuman strength. If all youkai are that strong, my choice of victims will be severely limited. I wonder whether the glue trap I attempted on Monday would have worked even if a youkai stepped in it. Would she simply have strode across it without difficulty?

There are humans in this land as well, however, and surely not all of them can be as fierce as that book-lender. My target today is to be a weak, prissy, helpless little maid who has spent all her life working in great houses. The intel Marisa gave me as I plied her with sake last night could be the key to my success...

"Hey, you!"

Sakuya's body language did not show any surprise. She turned on her heel and looked the stranger in the eye. "Can I help you?"

The pale man smiled wickedly. "You wear pads!"

"I... What?!"

"You heard!" the stranger smiled smugly.

"I don't understand! What is...? Why...?" Sakuya cleared her throat. "What do you mean by 'pads'?"

"Padding," the stranger clarified, "in your bra. Because you're embarrassed by your diminutive mammaries!"

"...Listen. I wear a chemise, not a bra. And you have no right to approach me, a complete stranger, and try to strike up a conversation about my body!"

The stranger folded his arms. "Chemise or not, you still wear pads. You see, Sakuya, I know what lies deep inside your heart. When you look into your mirror, you can't bear what you see. A woman as flat as a panca-"

Cold steel pressed against the stranger's neck. He clammed up in an instant.

"Sir, you've gone too far," hissed Sakuya. Her face was right by the stranger's ear. He could feel her unexpectedly warm breath. "The mistress doesn't like intruders or weirdoes, and neither do I. Incidentally, I can't remember a single day when I haven't been satisfied with my body. Give me one reason not to kill you."

"Um, y-you might get sent to prison? For murder?" the stranger whimpered.

Sakuya pondered that for a few moments. Nobody in the Human Village would be in any hurry to arrest her, she knew, but did she want even more blood on her hands after giving Flandre a bath?

"Would you like me to escort you from the building?" offered Sakuya.

The stranger sagged with relief. "Oh, could you?! I-I'd love that! Please do! Escort away!"

"As you wish." Sakuya loosened her grip a little and began frogmarching him down the hall.

Friday

I am beginning to lose hope. Why do none of these women know how to lose gracefully? By rights, more than a dozen should have shed tears of despair by this point, but instead they fight me and humiliate me at every turn. I deserve better than to be a chew toy.

There is one plan I have yet to try. Marisa has taken good care of me this past week, even believing my cover story when Meiling pushed me through the letter box yesterday afternoon, but she is still a woman, and her tears are mine. Tonight, while she slumbers, I shall clap her in irons and-

"Hey!"

Gary shut his diary with a snap. "Who?! What?! I-I wasn't plotting anything, I swear!"

"Sakuya told me everything, Gary," said Marisa severely. Her hat fell off as she stepped through the narrow door to the spare room.

"Then she came and told me," said Reimu, catching Marisa's hat. "What were you thinking, breaking into the mansion while not being a witch?!"

"There's a perfectly reasonable explanation!" cried Gary. "Which is as follows! You see, I have a psychological disorder known as Mansion Invader Syndrome-"

"Hey, what's this?" Marisa grabbed the diary and started flicking through it.

"No! D-don't!" yelped Gary. "You don't want to see what's in there! Please!"

Marisa ignored him. Her expression grew more and more horrified with every page she read.

"What's he written in there?" Reimu took a glance over Marisa's shoulder. Her eyes widened. "Oh, my gods... You vile, twisted monster!"

Gary exploded. "Come on, give me a break! I didn't ask to be like this! I just love it when women cry! All I've ever done is treat you and all your friends as my playthings! What's wrong with that?!"

Reimu chucked a yin-yang orb at him. His body was never found, although Rumia was reported to have spent the afternoon sleeping off a huge meal.