Natasha

"Honey, I promise I won't get mad." There it was again, Steve calling her honey. The first time Steve said it, Natasha somehow convinced herself that she imagined it. But this second time, there was no fooling herself. Something about Steve using that term of endearment with her made her feel all warm inside. "You can tell me anything, and I'll still be here. Nothing you say or do will push me away from you."

Natasha was firm about her decision on keeping quiet. She told herself no one was going to find out about her pills. It wasn't that the pills were illegal, per se. Everything she used to make her first batch came from SHIELD's labs, so she was pretty sure that meant nothing illegal. It was just that she didn't want to deal with the inevitable judgment that would come when people find out. What would they think if they found out she still used something from the Red Room?

And this was Steve. Steve was probably one of the last people Natasha wanted to disappoint. Just the sheer thought of it was getting Natasha emotional and she actually found herself sniffling: What the hell? She cast her eyes down to avoid Steve's gaze (and so she can rapidly blink away her tears without Steve noticing). But then again, that was the point: This is Steve.

If there's anyone she could tell about this, it's Steve.

"I may have taken something new this morning." Natasha said before she could stop herself.
She took a chance and tilted her head up to look at Steve. She studied his expression and it didn't take her long to understand that it was actually a look of concern that he had.

"Can you tell me what it was?" Steve asked in a gentle voice. Well, given the outburst she had with Bruce earlier, Natasha supposed Steve knew already; or at least that he had a hunch. Even then though, she wasn't sure she wanted to tell Steve exactly what it was. But then why had she told him she'd taken something to begin with?

Natasha didn't verbally answer him, but she shook her head no. Her stubbornness was definitely creeping up again.

"Why don't you want to tell me?"

"Because you're going to tell Bruce." Natasha said when she realized that her issue wasn't telling Steve. It was that if she told Steve, he'd be obligated to tell Bruce, then her secret would be out. For sure, they wouldn't allow her to continue taking the pills: Not after this happened.

"Nat," Steve started in that same gentle voice he used earlier, "I know... I know you had a pretty rough morning with agent May, Bruce told me that." Of course he did, but strangely she didn't feel upset that Steve knew. If anything... Was this relief?
"And I know it can be pretty scary or upsetting, even the Black Widow gets scared or upset sometimes." Steve said with a small smile. "But I promise you we're on your side. No matter what, okay? You can trust us, you can trust me. All I want to do right now is to make sure that you'll be okay."

Steve's voice sounded so genuine and soft that Natasha was starting to feel comforted by it. Pair that up with his concerned expression and Natasha felt like she was going to break down from the overwhelming and confusing emotions she had. "It was..." She started to say, but she stopped herself. Once she told Steve, there'd be no going back.

Nat didn't even realize she brought her right hand up to her mouth to bite on her nails, until Steve reached out and gently tugged her hand away. She blushed at the realization that Steve caught her. Over the past few months, it'd been a bad habit that Nat developed whenever she was stressed out, and Nat was stressed out quite a lot. Which only meant that her nails were a disaster by now. She was about to apologize and pull her hand away, but when Steve didn't let go of her hand and just gave it a gentle squeeze, all thoughts flew out the window. Just that simple gesture alone got to Natasha.

Steve never judged her no matter what she did. All he ever was towards her was caring and supportive. She was half expecting Steve to nudge her, to prompt her again to tell him. But he didn't.

She realized Steve was probably waiting for her, giving her the time to tell him when she was ready. Maybe she'll never be ready to let anyone in on her secret, but right now she was ready to stop feeling so alone for once. These past few minutes with Steve were the most comforted she'd felt in weeks. And it was always like this with him.

"It was a pill." Natasha said in an incredibly soft voice. She was looking down at her lap again because she was still nervous that Steve would judge her. But his tone was anything but judgmental.

"What was the pill for?" Steve asked, his tone still gentle and concerned.

"It was some... Medication." She answered. In place of nibbling on her nails again she just fiddled with the edge of her blanket.

"For that migraine you had last night?" Steve clarified. "It was supposed to help with the pain, yeah?"

"You can say that." Natasha shrugged, still looking down at her lap.

"Nat, I'm going to need a little more than that so I can help you, honey." Steve said, and Natasha could almost hear the frown in his voice.

"My head's feeling better already though. Maybe we can just let it slide." Natasha said, but she had a feeling that was quite a long shot, and she was right because she looked up to see Steve shaking her head. It was worth a try, at least.

"I don't want to risk that." Steve said. "I'm glad your head's not hurting right now, but there could be other things going on that we can't see or feel."

"If I tell you, they might make me leave." Natasha said softly, and she could feel tears building up in her eyes. Even though she probably didn't show it, she saw SHIELD as her family, especially her team. What if they made her leave because of this? Was that even allowed?

"I'm not going to let that happen." Steve said in a gentle yet firm voice. "I'm on your side, honey. I'll protect you no matter what. I promise." Nat bit down on her lower lip to stop it from trembling. That really meant a lot to her, especially coming from Steve. She was just so tired and hearing Steve say that gave her a little bit of hope. Maybe she doesn't have to do this alone: Would Steve understand and help her stop her drops?

"It's... The pill wasn't really for a migraine." Natasha said, and she could sense some renewed hope from Steve; probably because they were finally getting somewhere.

"What's it mainly for, then?" Steve asked. Natasha took a deep, shaky breath and closed her eyes for a moment before speaking up again.

"They're for my drops. Or, well, they're supposed to stop my drops." Nat said in such an incredibly soft voice, that she was sure Steve probably wouldn't have heard her if he wasn't sitting so close.

"So you've been taking them for quite a while, then?" Steve asked, and Nat was relieved that she couldn't sense any judgment in Steve's voice or features. If anything, she was picking up on some concern.

"Yes, but I ran out of the original batch." Natasha admitted with a frown. "So I tried to replicate them on my own, and well, the pill I took this morning was my first batch."

"Natasha..." Steve trailed off and then he sighed softly.

"I'm sorry." Natasha wasn't even sure why she was apologizing. It's just that Steve seemed so troubled right now and she didn't like it. Maybe she should have just kept quiet.

"Thank you for telling me." Steve said softly, and he gave Natasha's hand another reassuring squeeze. She'd even forgotten that he was holding her hand in the first place. "I'd want to hear more about this another time, okay? If you're open to talking about it with me, I'll listen. Right now I think we need to tell Bruce about this too, okay?"

"Bruce isn't going to take me away?" Natasha asked softly, unsure where this vulnerability was coming from. All she knew was that her head was starting to get a little fuzzy, but she chalked it up to her being tired.

"Bruce won't take you away." Steve confirmed. "I won't let anyone take you away."

Much to Natasha's dismay, she found herself actually sniffling. She reached up with her free hand and hastily wiped the tear that managed to escape her eye.

"It'll be okay, Nat." Steve said soothingly, and she saw him reach out towards her then hesitate for a moment, until he finally decided to retract his free hand. She heard Steve sighing softly and he didn't say anything for a moment, but then he probably decided this couldn't wait any longer.

Eventually, Steve called Bruce back in, saying that they need to talk. Bruce suggested that they can talk in his office, but Steve was quick to say no: They can just talk out in the hall instead. Natasha had a feeling Steve wanted to stay close by in case she tried to make a run for it. She couldn't blame him, but it also hurt her to think that Steve didn't trust her enough to leave her alone for a few minutes.

"We'll just be right outside your door, okay?" Steve told Natasha in his soothing voice. He was still sitting down on the bed, his hand holding hers as he rubbed circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. Nat found the gesture oddly comforting. "If you need anything, just call out."

"Okay." Natasha said softly with a nod of her head. Steve gave her another reassuring smile before he stood up. When Steve let go of her hand, part of Natasha wanted to actually go after him, but she snapped herself out of it and stayed put. She sighed to herself as she watched Steve exit the room with Bruce.

Steve

When Steve saw a tear escape Natasha's eye, that was when he knew that something really was wrong. Natasha never cried in front of anyone, and he meant anyone. Granted, she wasn't really crying per se, but this was probably the first time Steve ever saw Natasha be this vulnerable.

"It'll be okay, Nat." Steve said in what he hoped was the most soothing voice he could muster. He reached a hand out, intending to smooth down Natasha's hair in what he hoped was a comforting manner, but he stopped himself. Maybe Nat wouldn't appreciate that much affection. He felt he was already pushing it with holding Nat's hand. He didn't want Nat to have an outburst right now, so he pulled his hand back and settled it down on his lap.

In truth, Steve was feeling conflicted. On one hand, he was glad that Natasha was accepting even the smallest forms of affection or care from him. But then again, he felt that was somehow telling to how terrible Nat must be feeling right now. He decided he didn't want to prolong any of this anymore, especially in case there was something really bad going on. So he had Bruce paged and soon, Banner rejoined them in Natasha's room.

Steve was quick to counter Bruce's offer to talk in his office because that'd be too far from Natasha. Nat absolutely hated the medbay, so Steve hated the thought of leaving her alone even just for a moment when she's in such a vulnerable state. Luckily, Bruce easily agreed and they'd decided to just talk outside Natasha's room.

Nat didn't look quite pleased by that idea, so thinking that she was afraid of being left alone, Steve gave her a reassuring smile. "We'll just be right outside your door, okay?" He said in a soothing voice. He was still holding onto Natasha's hand, so he gave it a gentle squeeze and rubbed soothing circles with his thumb on the back of her hand. This comforted Daisy whenever she was afraid, so Steve hoped it would do the same for Nat.

It seemed like it did, because Steve could see the tension leaving Natasha's shoulders. "If you need anything, just call out." He said gently.

"Okay." Natasha said softly. Steve wanted to stay with Nat, he really did. But he knew he had to tell Bruce what he learned already; and so he reluctantly stood up and left the room with Bruce. There were chairs by the door to Nat's room, so that was where he and Bruce settled down.

"I'm assuming she told you something, that's why you called me back." Bruce said, and Steve nodded in response.

"She told me she did take a pill this morning. I didn't get to ask though if it was the same pill in her jacket pocket, but based on everything else she said I'd presume that it was." Steve said with a frown.

Steve then proceeded to tell Bruce everything he knew: That the pills were supposed to stop Natasha from dropping, that this wasn't the first time she took the pills, but technically it also was because it was the first pill she took that she created too. Now when Natasha told him this, Steve was honestly surprised. He'd heard of Littles trying to suppress their Little sides, and he's heard news of unregistered companies trying to produce medication for that very purpose. Of course, all trial runs were failures with the Littles experiencing severe side effects-the worst of which being death.

That was why Steve wanted to talk to Bruce already. He wanted to make sure this was nothing like those trials they heard of in the news years back. If Natasha was telling them the truth though, she should've been experiencing negative side effects for a while now. Then again, what if that headache Natasha experienced was the start of it?

"It's for her drops, Bruce. She takes them so that she won't drop." Steve started to explain. "She says she's been taking them for a while now-the pills. But then she must have run out, so she tried to create her own batch. The pill she took this morning was of her own." When Steve said that, it suddenly occurred to him: Then why didn't Natasha just get another batch from her "supplier"?

Steve expected Bruce to be as surprised as he was, but Bruce just nodded his head almost solemnly: As if Steve just confirmed a particular hunch he already had.

"As I told you, I've had a hunch about Natasha for a while now." Bruce said. "I've never seen a Little successfully avoid dropping for as long of a time as Natasha has. Not to mention that Natasha's never even dropped in the first place. That alone was already a medical mystery." Bruce pointed out, and Steve frowned.

"So you've known for a while that she was probably taking something?"

"Known for sure? No I haven't. That she was taking something to stop her drops? Not that either. My initial thoughts were that she had something done to her... In the Red Room, maybe something irreversible." When Bruce said that, it was like everything clicked. That must have been where Natasha got her pills.
"But agent May coming in with an unconscious Natasha changed that completely. Add to the fact that pill we found..."

"What did you find about the pill?" Steve asked.

"The most comfort I could provide is that I didn't find anything illegal on there." Bruce said as he tapped away on his tablet again. That did provide some relief, but the fact that that was the most relief that Bruce can provide? Before Steve could ask more, Bruce held up his tablet in a way so that Steve could see too. On the screen, there were two brain scans side by side. Steve couldn't really understand what he was seeing, but just the fact that Bruce was showing him brain scans to begin with didn't bode well.

"After I ran the tests on the pill and found out what I did, I decided to do a little more research." Bruce explained. "I found several studies that covered Littles who avoided their drops, and this is what I found." Steve waited for Bruce to continue, but then he realized Bruce probably assumed he understood what he was looking at.

"What does this all mean?" Steve asked, though he was afraid of what the answer may be.

"This one here on the right is a brain scan of a Little who regularly drops. The one on the left is Natasha's." Bruce began to explain.

"That much I can gather, Bruce." Steve said, feeling a little exasperated. That was the most he could gather because the scans were labeled "Natasha" and "2013 study". "But why are you showing me the scans?"

"Well you see, this part of the brain," Bruce tapped something on the tablet and suddenly, the same area on both brains were circled in red. "You see how one color, particularly red practically overpowers everything else with Natasha?" Steve nodded his head. "That's not how it's supposed to be. If you look at these scans," Bruce tapped the scan on the right and another scan from a study of a different year replaced the previous image.

"All the colors are balanced. There might be a slight difference, sometimes there can be a little more red, other times yellow, but generally the difference isn't as big with Natasha's." Bruce continued to tap and tap and tap, showing Steve more and more scans. True enough, Natasha's scan did look alarmingly different.

"These colors represent different chemicals and chemical activities in the brain. Generally, each color is supposed to be confined to its own location in the brain, as we saw in the other scans. Occasionally, chemicals could get through their barriers and er, invade other areas." Bruce pulled up another scan, this one where there was a little bit of blue seeping into the yellow section.

"Now this is a normal occurrence, it happens with all Littles and is unavoidable. It's not alarming because the chemicals or activities could basically be pushed back into their own areas. What does that though-"

"are drops." Steve finished for Bruce, not being able to stop himself.

"Yes." Bruce nodded in confirmation. "When Littles drop, their brain produces this new chemical that acts somewhat like a bouncer: You know, making sure everyone's in their respective sections, bringing those who went out back to where they should be. Since Natasha's never dropped, the chemical activity in her brain, well... Let's just say that I'm honestly surprised that she's made it this far."

"But she's been taking those pills." Steve frowned.

"Mhm, but they aren't replacements to that special chemical, Steve. That chemical in Littles' brains can't be replicated. The most that those pills have been doing are probably numbing the side effects of not dropping. They may have helped slow down the deterioration, but..."

"So you're saying..."

"That if Nat doesn't drop soon and regularly, we're facing irreversible brain damage? Yes." Bruce said solemnly. "Especially now without her pills slowing down the deterioration, she really needs to drop. The sooner the better."

"She's not going to like this." Steve said. He could already hear Natasha complaining, coming up with any argument she can.

"I know she isn't." Bruce sighed. "But we have to try to make her understand."

Steve nodded his head at that. The thought of Natasha dropping should excite him, really. But if anything, Steve just felt nervous. Just for the shortest while, he believed that him and Natasha being heartmates was possible. What if once Nat drops, that isn't the case? Steve's back to feeling alone, to feeling that regret that maybe he left his heartmate back in the past.
Then he realized how selfish he was being. This was Natasha's well-being they were talking about. Forget about his regrets and loneliness.

"Can I be the one to talk to Nat?" Steve asked.

"I was hoping you'd ask that." Bruce admitted with a small smile. "I can stay inside too, in case she has any questions. If you'd like."

"Yes, I think that'd be a good idea." Steve said. He took a moment to collect his thoughts, and he appreciated that Bruce didn't rush him. But they did have to be quick, so Steve took a deep breath and got up so they could head back inside. Luckily, Natasha was still in bed, sitting propped up against her pillows.

"Hi honey," Steve said with a soft smile as he sat back down on the edge of Natasha's bed, "how are you feeling?"

"I don't know." Natasha frowned as she looked at Steve, then at Bruce, then back at Steve again. "Am I... Are you... Do I have to leave?" Natasha asked, and Steve could hear how nervous she was and it broke his heart.

"No, you're not going anywhere. I promised you that, right?" Steve said soothingly, and Natasha nodded her head. "But there is something we want to talk to you about. It's about the pill you told me about." At that, Natasha visibly tensed up.

"I... It's nothing bad." Natasha insisted.

"Nat I know you think that, but Bruce ran some tests and we don't think it's safe for you to take those. Even the original pills." Steve said.

"No, you're wrong. When I, when my head hurts, or when I feel nauseous from stopping...it, the pills help the pain." Natasha argued, her forehead already scrunched up.

"That's the point though. The pills do nothing more than numbing that pain you feel." Steve explained, and then he looked back at Bruce who nodded his head in understanding. The man approached them and stood by the foot of Natasha's bed. Just close enough so Nat would be able to see what he'll flash on his tablet.

Steve then began to tell Natasha everything he learned from Bruce. He tried to lay it out as gently as he could, but even then he could see Natasha getting visibly upset. The only comfort Steve had was that she seemed sad, not mad. That at least meant she may be opening her mind up to the thought that they were right, right?

Once Steve was done explaining, with Bruce stepping in every now and then, Steve looked at Natasha to get a read on what she could be thinking. Usually, Nat would be so difficult to read, but right now her face seemed like an open book. His teammate, his friend, looked visibly troubled. Nat may be stubborn, but when she's presented with facts by Bruce, even she knew it was time to let the stubbornness go.

"So... I can't take them anymore?" Natasha asked softly.

"No honey." Steve frowned and shook his head. "And I know you don't want to hear this, but this also means that you need to drop." Natasha's head snapped up so fast to look at Steve, Steve was afraid she'd break her neck.

"I'm not doing that." She said firmly.

"Nat, you saw the scans, and I'm sure you understood everything Bruce explained." Steve said, knowing that Nat was one of the smartest people he knew next to Tony and Bruce. "This isn't really something we can avoid anymore."

"Just let me keep taking my pills then." She said, and Steve could see her eyes glistening with tears.

"I'm afraid we can't do that, Nat." It was Bruce who spoke up this time. "There may be no illegal substances in your pills, but ethically speaking we can't let you continue with this... Treatment." Bruce was right. Ever since the failed attempts of several companies to create a similar drug, the board of ethics banned all parties-be it corporate, independent, or government-led, from pursuing anything similar. The risks simply outweighed the potential benefits.

"This really is the only way." Steve said apologetically, and he scooted just a little closer to Natasha. "Nat, I won't be insisting if I didn't think it was really necessary." It was true though. Steve was one of the most understanding when it came to Natasha and her (lack of) drops. When people first learn that Nat's never dropped, they always try to convince Natasha to do so. Not Steve though. He just asked why she doesn't drop, and when he felt like Natasha was becoming uncomfortable with the topic, he stopped pushing.

"I don't want to go to the daycare." Nat said in a small, sad voice, and Steve frowned at that. If agents without heartmates or assigned caregivers drop in SHIELD, they're usually taken to the day care center.

"Who said anything about going to the day care, hm?" Steve asked. "I told you I'm not going anywhere, right? I'll stay with you the whole time." He said soothingly. He wanted to say more, but he didn't want to spook Natasha. It seemed like Nat was already considering dropping, and Steve didn't want to say anything that'd make them backtrack even the slightest.

Nat didn't seem to argue anymore either, so Steve sat there with a reassuring smile on his face. It looked like Nat tried to smile back but it looked more like a grimace than anything else. Natasha took a deep breath and closed her eyes first, and both Bruce and Steve stayed quiet. They waited for quite a while, but it didn't take too long.

It didn't take too long until Steve felt warmth spread in his chest, the weight on his shoulders suddenly lifted, and it was as if his mind was producing an abundance of dopamine or oxytocin-or whatever chemicals were responsible for making him feel this sudden gush of happiness. Steve's never felt this elated before, but he was quite sure about what it meant.

Just as Steve was taking that in, Natasha opened her eyes and a big smile spread on her face when she saw Steve. "Daddy!"