Chapter 19

"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

- Rupaul

Isabella's Point of View

Eleven days….

264 hours….

15,840 minutes.

It was silly to be counting down the time but what was a girl to do when the world felt like it was slowly crumbling around her?

At least that's what it felt like.

It had been almost two weeks to the day that Maggie had dropped the bombshell that she had slept with Edward, the man I had just declared my affections to.

The man I loved…

Or had loved in this case….

Fuck, what was I saying?

Still in love with.

No one can fall in love with someone and have it disappear like that overnight. It was unrealistic.

What I wished could disappear was the constant ache in my heart at the thought of Edward and how he had betrayed me in the worst way imaginable.

He had slept with Maggie.

The guy I was in love with was no better than my previous three relationships.

Eric, Tyler, and Felix.

Three boys (they didn't deserve the title of men) who couldn't keep their dicks in their pants and completely disregarded my feelings by sleeping with people who I thought were my friends.

Somehow I had found myself in the same situation for the fourth time.

Edward had cheated….and with Maggie of all people.

Seven billion people on this damn planet and I manage to attract the cheaters who could have any pick of the land and yet they choose to pick someone I know.

What are the odds right?

Looking from the outside in, I bet someone would say 'Bella, just get over it. People date and break up all the time. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Blah, blah, blah….'

If only it were that easy.

I wasn't stupid. I knew relationships came and go. You hear about it every day with celebrities.

One day they're dating someone and then "poof" it was over.

It was just that brief.

But it's when you dedicate your time and affection to someone and they shit all over it that it becomes hard to ignore.

I thought Edward would be different, but just like my exes he had let me down and hurt me.

That night played on a continuous cycle in my head and I felt like I was slowly swindling into madness.

There were reminders of him everywhere.

His scent lingered in the air, my clothes and on my sheets no matter how much I sprayed and washed. A pair of his shoes was by my door and his fancy overpriced creamer in my fridge. A few of his shirts were in my closet and a bar of soap in the shower. A few photos of us from my old Polaroid camera littered the floor and a lone button from his coat jacket that I'd ripped from one of our escapades was on the counter.

I should have cleaned up these things but every time I tried, I would curl up in a ball and cry at what could have been.

It was moments like this that I yearned to be in his arms and then I'd remember those same arms were used to hold and fuck Maggie.

It made me sick.

Edward had called countless times since that night; no other choice as I had his access revoked. I was surprised he had relented so easily but I guess after one of my neighbors called the cops on him after knocking harshly on my door, I'd be a little weary as well. He even tried sending Jessica, Angela and his mother to explain on his behalf but I ignored them as well. I didn't want to see the looks of pity on their faces.

Hell, as far as I was concerned, they had betrayed me as well, just by being associated with him. It was wrong of me to do so, especially to Jessica after agreeing to be in her wedding, but I couldn't bear it. It hurt too much.

Then the gifts started rolling in….ugh.

As if that could make everything better.

It was hard to believe that Edward's persistence had once frightened me and then thrilled me. Now it just made me want to scream and break everything in my path.

I was convinced that the world was playing a cruel joke on me.

Even when I wanted to forget him, truly forget him, he was everywhere.

….

Another day off, and I once again spending it inside like a hermit on my couch, trying to ignore the world and the mess I called a personal life.

If this were a rom-com and I was the staring character, the scene would show me sitting in the middle of my couch in my pjs surrounded by a mound of blankets. My glasses would be askew on my face, covering bloodshot eyes while I resorted to stuffing my face with junk food, which was no doubt putting pounds on my ass. The screen would pan around the room, showing how much a mess it was (a metaphor for the character's life) while some sappy drama played on the television. A melodramatic score would begin to gain tempo and the screen would zoom in on the main character's face as she blows her nose nosily into a tissue. Something a menial as a crumb would be a catalyst and a fresh round of tears would emerge.

Seems unrealistic right?

Well in my case, it was pretty spot on.

I mean I needed someone to share my sadness so I wasn't alone right? I glance over at the digital display of my cable box to see that it was just a little after five but with the lights off and curtains drawn, made it appear much later than it actually was.

I briefly glance at the screen to see that bitch Rose let Jack freeze to death when I feel tears slowly fall down my cheeks.

Did I forget to mention that my period had started the day previously?

Now I could add tender boobs and a stomach riddled with cramps to my already long list of shitty emotions .

One second I was sad and crying over being cheated on and the next, angry at Edward; fighting the urge not to head over to his place and bash his pretty face in.

How dare he cheat? What a bastard!

And then I'd be back to crying….

I was already feeling pretty miserable about the thing with Edward but combined with my raging emotions from my period, my old insecurities began to rear its ugly head.

Why did all my relationships go wrong?

I knew some men cheated but why did it always have to be the guys I chose?

Usually, there was a common denominator when this kind of stuff occurred and now I was becoming convinced that maybe the problem is me.

What did I do wrong?

Wasn't I enough?

Did I have bad taste?

Maybe it was my judgment or my intelligence? People tend to look down on the arts, especially with my art history degree but I'd worked my ass off to get it.

Hmm…..maybe it was my looks?

I knew I wasn't ugly, but definitely not model means or as striking as Bree or Angela.

Maybe it was my personality. I could be brash at times and had a permanent bitch brow 90% of the time, but I was a real sweetheart.

Then again, I didn't have many friends as most people didn't get my humor but that happened to everyone right?

Perhaps something sexual?

I've always been comfortable with my sexuality but it was plausible that could have been the problem.

I look down at my chest, clothed in one of Edward's old shirts. The twins were still pretty perky and of ample size so I know that wasn't an issue…at least Edward didn't seem to mind. I pat my stomach gently. Luckily flat no matter how much I stuffed my face (thank heavens).

He was just a big pompous liar.

Fucking men…. and cue the ugly tears.

I feel a soft nudge to my left foot and see Stewart and Pattinson looking at me with sad eyes. I pick up Stewart's little furry body and cuddle him to my chest. Praise the heavens for furry children as they could comfort you when no one else could.

I could see my cell lighting up in the distance. No doubt Edward trying to call me. I had over 50 texts and messages from him but I was too scared to look at them for fear of what I may see or hear. My phone rings one more time and I ignore it, settling back down onto my perch on the couch with my sad movies, junk food, and furry children.

Then there's a knock on the door, which at this point, I was convinced was an omen and meant nothing good. The knock at the door persists and I ignore it, not wanting to get up from my comfortable spot on the couch. After a few moments, the knocks stop and I let out a sigh of relief at being left alone.

And then I hear a hard rattle and the sound of a lock turning.

In normal circumstances, most people would be terrified at the thought of an intruder entering their home, but all this did was make me curl into my cocoon a little deeper.

There were only two people who had a key to my place outside of my parents. One of whom no longer had access. The other, who had now turned on the lights, momentarily blinding me, gave me a death glare that should have turned me to ashes.

I watch as the muscular frame of Diego places something at his feet before closing the door behind him. I fight the urge to hide under my blankets like a little kid as he continues to stare at me with a look of accusation and hurt.

I'd been avoiding him and Bree, as I didn't want to be subjected to their scrutiny especially from Diego. As my best friend, he knew me better than I knew myself and I didn't feel like getting the third degree from him. I'd even changed my shifts at work to avoid him, although avoiding Bree was a little tricky. She knew what had transpired between Edward and I after she'd cornered me one night. I had no doubt she had told Diego by now, to which I expected nothing less, especially since they were engaged now.

This made me a shitty friend to both of them and I didn't deserve their kindness but I didn't want to be around them.

Don't get me wrong. While I was happy my best friend had found some happiness with Bree, a part of me was saddened to realize that just maybe I was never going to get the same thing.

Diego in his usual and calm manner says nothing and for that I was grateful. He gestures for the bag of chips I was munching on and I pass it over as he kicks off his shoes and settles down beside me. Diego's silent as he takes a bite and begins watching television. It seconds later when he lifts his arm for me to get under. Giving him a watery smile, I curl again his side and cry for what feels like the millionth time; both relieved and saddened that Diego was here once again to pick up the pieces.

…

"Can you believe it? Why do I have such bad luck with guys? Maybe I'm meant to be a lesbian." I blubber dramatically. Diego lets out a soft chuckle and hands me another tissue as I relay hopefully for the last time what had transpired between Edward and I. Diego listened intently and quietly although I could tell he was fighting the urge to interrupt me.

"Bella, you're avoiding the issue at hand again…...as usual…" he quickly utters.

"Seriously Di, I don't need a therapy moment, I just need my best friend ."

" I am your best friend or at least I thought I was." He grumbles, the hurt in his eyes still evident at the realization that I had confided in Bree instead of him. I squeeze his hand and apologize once more.

"As your best friend…." Diego starts once more, " I have to sometimes tell you things you don't want to hear. With that in mind, and I'm playing devil's advocate over here…but um do you know for sure that Edward cheated?" Diego asks and I give him an incredulous glare.

"Seriously Di, have you not been listening to me for the past hour?" I growl. Diego rolls his eyes at me and runs a hand through his dark curls.

"Yes chica, I've been listening to you for the past hour but even you should know by now that you need to hear Edward out." He tries to reason. I roll my eyes.

"When did you and Edward become all buddy-buddy?" I question. Now it's Diego who rolls his eyes at me.

"I wouldn't say we're best friends and in fact, I would love to pay him a visit and introduce my fist to his face, but orange is not my color." He beams and I let out a small chuckle.

"Nevertheless, he seems like a good guy."

"A guy who cheats." I badger.

"Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. I'm not blaming him nor defending him either. But in my experience, a guy doesn't go to those extremes to get a girl's attention, only to fuck it up over another female."

"Stupid Maggie." I growl.

"Have you talked to her yet?" Diego asks and I shake my head.

"No, and I hope I never do." I knew my anger was misguided when it came to Maggie. As in most cheating cases, society wants to blame the women when the men are just as responsible and yet it was hard for me to ignore. It was partly also the reason why I was still avoiding Edward. She too had made attempts to speak to me about that night, but every time I laid eyes on her, I could imagine Edward's arms and lips on her body and wondered if he uttered the same sweet notes that he did to me as he bedded her.

"You're avoiding again." Diego rants and I hit his shoulder.

"Bree is much more accommodating than you." I give him the stink eye. "Where is she anyway? Isn't she's off tonight?" I ask. Diego looks at his phone quickly before turning back to me.

"She's coming, she said she had to run a quick errand but back to what I was saying…you also said 'slept', as in past tense. As in no longer…" He deadpans.

"What are you trying to get at?" Di raises his hands and begins to fidget.

"That just maybe, you're overreacting a bit." He quickly picks up my cat Pattinson and uses him as a shield. I turn abruptly to look at him.

"Whose side are you on? " I warn through a sniffle. Diego lets Pattinson go before wrapping an arm around me. I curl against his side as a fresh round of tears emerge.

I was so sick of crying. I was surprised I had any tears left to cry.

"Come on Bells, no more tears, you're making my shirt soggy." Diego tries to complain in feign disgust; an attempt of many futile tries to make me laugh.

It doesn't work.

My heart still hurts.

"Bella listen to me and listen to me good. You've been stuck up in this apartment for almost two weeks now. I'm not saying Edward did or didn't cheat, but did you at least hear him out?" He questions. I shake my head.

"I think him not saying anything is enough." I huff.

"But did you give him the chance to explain? Why believe Maggie so easily? Don't act like I've haven't heard your phone ringing or the attempts at the restaurant. Not to mention, the guy has been sending you all these freaking flowers. I mean look…"Diego gestures widely around my living room where various assortments of flowers litter the walls and floors.

Oh yeah, remember those gifts I mentioned coming in…..

"Edward's given you so many that you could start up your own flower shop and still have extras to give out. Chica, these flowers are not cheap. The least you can do is stop accepting them." He gives me a pointed look. I shrug my shoulders and pick a stray flower from the nearest assortment. I breathe in the sweet scent.

"What? I like flowers." I reply, grabbing another one of Edward's gifts, my favorite brand of chocolates.

Don't give me that look…why should yummy tasting chocolate go to waste?

"Isa, its wrong and you know it." Diego chides.

"Itsssh goosh tdough.." I mumble through a mouthful of fudgy goodness.

"You still never answered my question about Maggie."

"Ugh, I don't want to talk about her or Edward anymore. Just shut it." I stuff my face with another chocolate just as Diego's phone beeps with a text from Bree. He hides it from my view but I don't comment on it. He lets out a deep breath.

"I gotta go chica, Bree needs me to help her with something." He coughs nervously and begins putting on his shoes. I pout like a child.

"Some friend you are, abandoning me at my time of need. Bree can wait." I whine.

"Seriously Isa? You're going to try and pull that crap? Of all the times I've been there to help you. This whole "woe is me" routine is old and I'm sick of it. This is one problem you will have to figure out on your own." Diego breathes, kissing my forehead and leaving without another word.

The television and junk food no longer interest me. What I've already consumed feels like a rock in my stomach and makes me feel nauseous.

At twenty-six, this was not where I expected my life to be. Working at a restaurant to make ends meet while my degrees gathered dust. Having no real social life outside of Bree and Diego who were now both pissed at me and a romantic life that attracted nothing but assholes.

When was I going to catch a break?

Suddenly the walls of my little apartment were suffocating me and I couldn't breathe. I had to get out here but where would I go? I didn't want to risk running into him or his family in the city. The idea brandishing itself in my head, I hastily pack a bag and shove my furry children into their carriers.

In usual Isabella fashion, when dealt with conflict, I ran.

Where to exactly?

Back to my mom and dad.

… WLTYAS….

"Sweetheart, can you say that again and this time take a deep breath between words? All I heard was 'Edward' and the rest was lost in translation." Mom pleads with a confused expression. I let out a labored breath.

When I'd arrived a few hours before bleary-eyed and crying with my bags and pets, my parents had immediately assumed the worst. I'd barely turned off the ignition before I had gotten out and ran straight into my mom's arms, breathing in her soothing scent. I'd also grabbed my dad into a tight hug, thankful that I had at least one man on my side. He of course went into "chief" mode and threatened harm to anyone who had made his daughter cry. I just shook my head and handed over Pattinson and Stewart who looks relieved to be free of their carriers.

Mom gave me a knowing look but said nothing. She ushers me into the kitchen where the table is already set for two. I guess I'd interrupted their dinner and I mentally berate myself for bringing my issues home to them. She fixes me a plate of lasagna and homemade garlic bread where I spot the familiar sight of her old wedding ring on her hand. Mom smiles timidly at me and winks at Dad who blushes.

"Seems only fitting since we found our way back to each other huh? We were going to tell you, but it seems like someone is avoiding her parents." She gives me a pointed look full of meaning, making me feel like I was an inch tall.

"It won't be big. We're planning on going down to the courthouse and we'd appreciate it if our only child was in attendance." She sets the plate in front of me and takes a seat beside dad.

Dinner had been no real spectacle, the tension thick in the air from my rumpled appearance and tearstained eyes. Dad knew a bit about what was going on but leaves it alone thankfully for me and my mother to share. He grabs a beer and heads into the living room to watch the game, my babies following closely behind him. Mom goes and grabs up both a glass of water where I begin to tell her everything, leaving no details out. She knew a bit of about Edward and mine's relationship now that we were dating, etc. I 'd filled her in on various little odds and ends, concluding with how I had told Edward that I loved him and kicking him out after Maggie revealed she had slept with him. A few tears fall from my eyes and she pats my hand sympathetically.

I'd expected her to be my "mom"; supportive and reassuring. She would hold me close, kiss my head and tell me whatever I needed to hear to make me feel better.

What I got was the complete opposite…and in usual Renee Higginbotham soon to be Swan again fashion, her response left me feeling stunned.

"Bella, if you love Edward as much as you claimed to, why are you putting such faith in Maggie's words." She asks quietly.

It was the same question Diego had asked me the day before.

If were being honest with myself, I still wasn't sure of a definitive answer.

Why had I believed Maggie's word so easily?

A woman I had seen sparsely over the past year versus the man who consumed my body and soul over the past few months….

I was prone to overreacting as evident with Angela and Joham but that was reasonable right? The kid had looked just like him. I had all these preconceived notions about Edward only to find out that it was his sister in law and nephew. That should have been the first indication that my assumptions were getting me into trouble and yet I was doing the same thing once again.

" I don't know…." My eyes begin to water again and mom hands me a tissue. I blow my nose with a soft sob. " I guess it's easier to think Edward would cheat since the guys I dated did the same before." I reason.

"You aren't giving Edward enough credit. Looks like you were just waiting for something bad to happen. Not every guy you date is going to be like those small dicked turds you've dated in the past." I let out a small giggle as Mom beams proudly at me.

"In fact, your father arrested that Yorkie fellow just last week. Caught him naked and high as a jaybird with that Stanley girl." She shudders.

"Oh…Jessica…. isn't she on her third kid by now…." I grimace thinking about my former friend.

"Nope…her sixth and that wasn't the Stanley I was talking about….I meant Jennifer…her mother." Another giggle bursts from my lips and the two of us have a good laugh.

Serves them both right.

"Your father had to nearly hog tie him down didn't you honey?" She giggles.

"Yep and that little twerp nearly shit his pants when he saw me. In fact, I think he did; that kid reeked!" Dad belts from his perch on the armchair. I let out another small chuckle and mom is suddenly serious again.

"As I told you all those months ago. You need to stop being unfair to yourself and to him. If you keep expecting bad things to happen then they will. "

"Mom, Edward didn't exactly deny that he slept with her either." I croak.

"Well did you give him the chance? I'm sure the boy is losing his mind over you." As if on cue, my phone lights up with Edward's name. I hit ignore.

"Stubborn like your father." Mom grumbles running a hand through her hair. Dad walks in to grab another beer and kisses both of our heads, Pattinson and Stewart following his every move; loving the attention I had neglected to give to them.

"Yeah but you love it." Dad winks causing mom to flush. Ugh, I did not want to know.

She waits until he leaves to continue our conversation.

"You know why you jumped to such conclusions right?"

"Um…because I've dated losers in the past?" I'm not sure where she is going with this.

"Let me tell you a story. Just hear me out please. I've recently started going to this new yoga studio in Port Angeles that focuses on natural, herb-based meditative practices…."

"Really mom?" I groan. This wasn't helping the inner turmoil I was experiencing. I did not feel like hearing about some random natural mumbo jumbo fad she had gotten herself into. She did it all the time and would stick to it only briefly before going on to something else.

"I'm trying to help you Bella. Do you want my advice or not?" She hisses. I nod my head somberly.

"As I was saying…" she makes sure I won't interrupt and continues. "A former shaman named Alistair runs the studio. His practice is based upon varying states of consciousness through natural means…in fact he makes this really yummy green smoothie that makes my head spin and your father horny…." She continues to babble distractedly.

"Mom!" I feel myself turn a little green.

"Oops, sorry. I have a point I swear. Anyways, each class is based on varying states of self. One of them is meditative love. Alistair began the session by telling us how the Greeks believed that there are eight varying states of love. He said that humans pass through at least a few of these in a lifetime and some are fortunate/unfortunate to experience them all."

"The first is Eros or erotic love; you know sexual passion and desire. It's love that is primal and raw and you lose all sense of control. The second is philia or affectionate love, you know like friendship. The third is storge or familiar love; love without physical attraction, for example the way your father and I love you as our child. The fourth is indus, which is playful love, and then there's maina, which is obsessive love, and pragma, which is enduring love; love that is aged, matured and developed over time. That's your father and I. The love we had for each other never went away but it was young and weak when it started. We had to grow as people and experience different kinds of affection with others before realizing what had always been right in front of us." Mom grins looking back down at her ring finger.

"What's the last two?" I ask completely entranced.

"The last two are the most important. Are you still with me?" I nod my head.

'The highest one the Greeks acknowledged was agape which is selfless love. It's a love that accepts, forgives and believes for the greater good. It's a love that you put before your own wants and needs even when you don't want to. It's essential but not one Alistair says is the most important."

"Then what is it?"

"Philautia or self-love. The Greeks understood that in order to love someone else; truly and fully love someone else, we must first love ourselves…and sweetheart, I don't think you truly do." She whispers brushing a few strands from my face. I pull back as if she had shocked me.

"What? Of course I love myself! Mom you need to stop inhaling those incense fumes." I gasp. I've never been more offended in my life to hear such words come from my mother's mouth.

"Baby girl, in essence I think you do but not completely. I've watched you go through three very painful relationships…. well four if you include your father and I. Nevertheless, every time something goes wrong you blame yourself as if you are the cause."

" I do not!" More tears swell in my eyes.

Jesus, would the tears ever stop?

" Bella, I don't claim to be the best mother in the world. God knows, I wish I could change things, I truly do. When your father and I would argue I could see how it affected you. You might not remember since you were so young but I would stand outside you door and hear your cries; how you'd mutter in your sleep that maybe if we hadn't had you at such a young age we'd still be together and not getting a divorce. It's words no parent ever wants to hear from their child." A few stray tears fall from her own eyes. I grab her hand to which she squeezes mine tightly. I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up to see my dad with his own somber expression. He must have heard mom's words.

"My point is…. you came into this world forty years old with a grimace on your face..." She laughs cupping my face in her hands.

"My little old soul. Bella, just because something bad happens means you need to blame yourself. You're beautiful and intelligent and have so much to offer the world. Whether you're a waitress or a professor, have a million friends or just Diego and Bree, you need to love what's going on in your life. You may be a little gullible, stubborn and a bit selfish at times, but you also have one of the biggest hearts. You just need to let people see it."

" Most importantly, whether you fall in love Edward or some random joe from down the street, you need to realize your own worth before trying show someone else theirs." Mom finishes. She presses a kiss to my forehead and begins gathering our dishes into the sink. Dad squeezes my shoulder and tells me he loves me before going over to help mom. I fix Pattinson and Stewart some food and head upstairs to my old bedroom to get ready for bed.

As I lay against the cool sheets of my twin bed, mom's words echo loudly in my head.

Did I love myself?

As crazy as her words had sounded, there was some accuracy to them. I guess in a way I had experienced a few types of love even if I didn't associate the words with them.

Nothing I'd felt for the three stooges (as I dubbed them) felt remotely close to what I felt for Edward, despite knowing each of them longer.

With Eric, we had started off as friends. His sweetness was enduring and easy. I didn't have to try hard to be myself around him. Eric was affectionate and playful but I hadn't really been attracted to him.

With Tyler, I knew initially attracted to him for his looks. The way he wore me down secretly thrilled me. I guess it was obsessive in a way. In a way I think he was only attracted to the idea of me and like a fool I ate it all up. I was attracted to him but I don't think I ever considered him to be my friend.

With Felix, I was no more than a test subject to prove his sexuality. He was the guy I gave a "gift" to that could never be returned. While it greatly hurt my feelings, what Felix and I had was just lust.

But with Edward, our love was an all-encompassing kind of thing. While we had initially acted upon lust, and he was a little obsessive, our relationship had grown into something much stronger and deeper.

He was my lover and best friend and if Edward hadn't fucked it all up with Maggie I think it could have amounted to something everlasting.

Something that lasted forever.

I spend the rest of my days off in the bubble of my Forks home; enjoying the company of parents and the freedom that came with ignoring my adult responsibilities if only briefly. I go fishing with dad and help mom pull weeds out the garden. I let Pattinson and Stewart frolic on the sands of La Push beach and even manage to find a few books and trinkets at a neighboring bookstore.

It gives my mind peace; a time to reflect and truly think.

Now I know what I have to do.

…

The hour is late but I have to know.

The sound of my hand hitting against the wooden door vibrates loudly through the silent hallway. I have a key but don't want to intrude.

It was something personal and we weren't….at least not anymore.

I fidget nervously with the hem of my shirt, suddenly feeling sick and ready to puke all over the pretty hardwood floors. It wasn't easy doing this but thanks a certain blonde hippy who loved weird things and a blunt, curly-haired Spanish best friend, I know it's now or never.

I knock again but there's no answer for several minutes. I'm seconds away from giving up but I'll be damned if I don't try one more time. I raise my hand to knock and like déjà vu, the door suddenly opens and I'm met with sad green eyes.

His mouth gapes and I cover it with my hand.

"We need to talk."

Thoughts? Leave it in a Review!

Bella's on his doorstep this time, now what?

Read the next chapter to find out!

The eight types of love is a real thing. Its very in depth and complex if you're interested in that kind of thing. I found it very fitting for this story. It's about all types love not just of the romantic variety.

With that in mind, please remember to love and be nice to each other. Hate gets the world nowhere and to see such hateful activities should bring us all together no matter what view you believe in.

Just want to say thank you for the overwhelming response to this story being active again. It means so much to me.

Four more chapters left.

Until again,

Xoxo Sylvia Cullen

"How do we change the world? One random act of kindness at a time."

-unknown