Um…anyone here?

Yep…your eyes aren't deceiving you….this is an update!

I won't even lie, this has been completed for the longest time (March 2018), but I kind of became bored with this story and writing fanfic. I would edit…rewrite…and edit all over again. Life was hectic. I completed grad school and got my Masters, moved across the country, started a new job, and been catching up on A LOT of Fanfics over the past two years to read at my own leisure. Trust me, when you spend a lot of time writing a thesis, the very last thing you want to do is write some more. I'm back now to officially hit complete on this story so that I can finish my other two and possibly start a few others as inspiration is finally coming back to me…It's a new decade and its time for some completed stories!

Last chapter before the epilogue. It's a long one. All mistakes are mine.

** note this chapter occurs over a span of several months and is told through several flashbacks. Unless indicated by a specific time frame, each (… ) indicates the present time passage. This chapter starts 4 months after the end of chapter 21 **

Chapter 22:

"So I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you."

-Paulo Coehle

Edward's Point of View

"How's it going friend ?" Bella teases, startling me as she enters my office. I fight a smile and pointedly ignore her as she sits down in one of the nearby armchairs. Not saying anything in response, I shuffle aside a few papers and mute my phone, knowing I wouldn't get any work done for the time being.

"Dreadfully slow. What about you friend? " I retort, finally looking over at her.

Dressed in a deep lilac dress with a floral pattern, Bella was a vision to behold as she crossed her legs, giving me a glimpse of her long legs clad in a pair of strappy sandals.

It was a stark contrast to the simple white and black outfit she wore when I first saw her.

It was simple, but seductive, modest, yet daring, and undeniably Bella.

Either way, she was still beautiful.

And I wanted nothing more than to just kiss her senseless.

I was tempted to tell her all these things and more, yet I knew I couldn't.

It wasn't acceptable friend behavior…at least not between supposedly "platonic" men and women.

Ah…the joys of friendship.

Nevertheless, Bella and mine's relationship was slowly but surely progressing.

It wasn't easy by any means, but definitely better than I had anticipated.

Looking back, the first few weeks were especially difficult, especially after Jess and Mike's wedding. To be so close to her and not be able to kiss or run my hands across her silky skin was pure torture.

As much I wanted to throw all caution to the wind and just grab Bella and kiss her silly, we both needed to work on ourselves.

We avoided each other like the plague after that night, which had become increasingly hard considering how integrated she had become in my life and that of my family.

Bella had grown even closer with my sisters and Angela, even bringing in the ballbusting and then newly pregnant Bree into the mix. The five of them were thick as thieves and when you added my mother and a few bottles of wine (and apple juice for Bree) into the equation, nothing good could come from it.

Luckily for my benefit, they seemed to avoid topics regarding Bella and mine's relationship much to my relief, although I would sometimes catch the occasional calculating glance from them whenever Bella and I were in the same room.

I'd also heard through the grapevine from "Dear Abby" also known as my mother, in a conversation with Jane, that Bella had found a therapist and had begun attending weekly sessions.

I knew I shouldn't have eavesdropped, I know….I know, but what did my mother expect when she was discussing such issues in an open space? I'd tried to sneak away, but my sleuthing attempts failed when I knocked my foot against the corner of the table, earning a steely gaze and a lone slipper to the back.

I was tempted to ask Bella about it myself, but with the weirdness between us at the time, I didn't know how to approach the issue.

Thinking of that conversation all those weeks ago, I wasn't lying when I said that Bella needed to work on loving herself. Those guys had damaged something inside her and it was something that I alone could not fix by myself. Even if there were not to be a future between Bella and me, I'd hoped she finds some type of happiness and self-worth within herself that wasn't contingent upon anything or anyone.

Speaking of such…I needed to work on a few things myself.

I had my own issues I needed to deal with.

I wanted to learn how to better express my emotions, which made me sound like an absolute pansy, but understanding why I felt the way I do when things didn't go my way, was challenging.

I didn't want to go the therapeutic route as Bella had, deciding to rather go the familial route, which I learned was a big mistake when the one person I thought would understand, thought that I was the "stupidest motherfucker" on the planet.

It was true…but at least I thought I would get a bit of sympathy.

When I had asked my dad to sit and chat one night, I thought he could give me some insight. Knowing I was my "father's son", I should have stopped myself while I was ahead.

...FLASHBACK…

"Seriously Dad? I pour my heart out to you and you call me that?" I groaned, feeling like I was seventeen again.

"What?" he breathes innocently, his blue eyes bright and amused.

"You would think given our previous conversation, you'd be a little more helpful." He continues to laugh.

"Dad, you're supposed to be helping me, not laughing at me."

"Well son, you got yourself into quite a messy situation. I'm trying to stay neutral here. I don't want to know anything that your mother may find out… trust me son, you don't want to give her any more ammunition to pry." Dad continued to chuckle. " No offense son, but I hoped you figure out your shit soon. I'm getting tired of hearing your mother worry about her "precious baby boy." He mimes in a child-like voice.

"Pssh….you're just jealous that I'm the favorite." I retort, a small smile spreading across my face at the remark. It was our same usual banter.

"Hmmm, I wonder why…maybe it's the resemblance and namesake you're named after…" He grins crookedly, running his hands through his reddish-grey curls and checking himself out.

"Dad!" I pleaded. I'm over this bantering shtick.

"Okay, okay… I'll stop, but don't act like you don't know that you look like me, but I digress. Tell me, are you two at least on speaking terms with each other?' he asked.

"Sparingly. We send each other occasional texts, but other than that, there's no real interaction between the two of us. We tried speaking on the phone, but the conversation was awkward; like neither of us knows what to say without hurting the other's feelings. I mean, we used to be able to talk about anything without taking a breath, and now it feels like we're pulling teeth." I added quietly.

"Do you know why things are so awkward between you two?"

"You mean besides the Maggie situation?" He nodded his head.

"Well, things would be awkward between you and mom too, if she stated she wanted to get back together and you basically said no. I had to do it Dad, I had to. It's for the best. When we had that conversation that night, I put everything on the line and Bella understood that. I just didn't know it was going to be this hard." I reasoned. Dad pondered my words for a moment.

"I'm still a little confused about that. You don't have to give me all the details, but did she seem okay when you suggested that the two of you just be friends?"

"I mean would you, if the roles were reversed? The worse thing that can be said between a man and woman who have strong feelings for one another is that they're better off as friends."

"Well, do you want to date other people?" He asks bluntly.

"No! I love her Dad." I blurt loudly getting out of my seat. His eyes darken slightly and he gestures for me to take a seat once I've finished my little tantrum.

"Just checking. So you love her and she loves you, am I correct?" I nod my head.

"And she forgave you for the whole Maggie situation and you forgave her for the misunderstanding?" I nod a second time.

"So excuse me, son, if I'm wrong. Given her previous relationships, it is safe to assume that her frame of mind is fragile."

"Fragile? She's not a piece of glass Dad." I interrupt.

"Let me finish. Her way of thinking is delicate. You don't get hurt that many times without having a few cracks. Especially ones that were never acknowledged enough to be healed. Just because you put a band-aid on it doesn't mean that it's not there anymore. Sometimes a simple apology doesn't solve everything."

"I'm not sure I follow." My brows furrow in confusion. "I just don't understand it. I mean we were lovers and friends. Why can't we just remove the lover's part out of the equation and have things go back to normal?"

"Edward, the reason why this "friends" thing is so difficult between both of you is that some cracks cannot be fixed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not placing all the blame on her, but you royally fucked up as well. She's being selfish but so are you, and you both need to work on that."

"I'm not selfish." I whined in a whisper. Even as the words leave my mouth, I know those words aren't true.

Hell, when was the last time I thought about someone other than my current relationship or myself?

"No relationship can last like that even if you do love them. Hell, you don't know how many times your mother threatened to leave me if I didn't get my shit together. Damn near came close quite a few times…" He drawls off not looking at me.

I ponder his words for a moment. If you wanted that "idyllic couple", most people looked no further than Ted and Elizabeth Cullen. Hearing my father give me another distressing glimpse into his life with my mother made my throat constrict painfully.

"You wouldn't remember much anyway. You were only about six or seven months at the time. I told you once about my own shitty childhood and let us just say I got stuck in my own head once again. I became all about the business and was an overall shitty father and even shittier husband. I was coming in at late hours, not helping with your brother and sisters, and not being an even more supportive husband. Add in a fussy infant and your mother was at the end of her rope. It took your mother running off to Esme and Carlisle's place in Chicago to get my ass in gear and even then, it wasn't easy and took several months before she came home."

"Seriously?" Dad nodded his head.

"Yeah, it was one of the darkest periods of our marriage and I think only Jane remembers much of anything, but I dare not ask her. Son, your mother knows I love her with every breath in my body, and I know that she loves me, but that kind of love was not only for me anymore but also for that of you kids. Your mother put the love of something else ahead of her and I can never fault her for that. In fact, I would be mad if she hadn't." He finished with a sigh, a small frown on his face.

"That's….terrible." I uttered, not sure of what I should say next. I watch as his expression suddenly shifts to that of a wry grin.

"Yeah it is, but it had a happy ending. Nevertheless, son lets end this melodramatic episode of 'Cullen conversation' and get to the point. You have to give Bella some time. She's working on herself at the moment and if you truly care for her the way you say you do, you shouldn't rush it."

"So basically what you are saying is despite the fact that I love her and I know she feels something for me, I need to let her put 'herself' before my own wants and needs? Isn't that what I told her in the first place?"

Was I not clear enough the first go-around? I scrub my hands roughly against my face. This was all becoming a big garbled mess. I told him as such. Dad raised his hands in defeat.

"Edward, I'm your father, not a therapist. Just be patient. Apparently from that close call, Bella still feels the same way about you so I wouldn't be too worried. It's only been a few months."

"In a long line of other months." I mope childishly.

"See, that right there," Dad gestures, pointing at me with his pointer finger "is what you need to work on. Everything is not always going to go your way or come as soon as you snap your fingers. It's not that easy. Edward, son you are not in control of everything that occurs in your life. Patience is a virtue".

"You're starting to sound like mom."

"Well, she is a brilliant one after all." He gets up and pats me on the shoulder.

"Come on and buy your old man a beer and some wings. I need it after dealing with your mopey ass." Dad laughed.

Not feeling amused, I retort. "I'm telling mom. Aren't you supposed to be on a diet?" Dad grins broadly, a broad crooked grin that identically matches my own.

"Vase, Edward, vase…." He snickered.

….end …..

"Edward!" Bella snaps her fingers in front of my face.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" I apologize, suddenly realizing that she had been speaking to me the entire time I was stuck in my head. I also realized I had been unconsciously gazing directly at her breasts.

Mighty fine breasts, I might add.

Bella rolls her eyes playfully and says, "I said…." She emphasizes, "I'm on my lunch break and I was wondering if you wanted to join me? I was thinking about the café across the street." She points out my window.

Nodding my head, I agree and follow behind her, as she confidently strides away with a swing in her hips. Trying not to look at her ass, I mentally note that this is just one of the many changes I'd seen in Bella since we became "friends" over the past several months.

Placing my hands in my jacket pockets to avoid temptation, I briefly reminisce about the first time we hung out alone since becoming platonic.

….flashback….

Peer-pressured one Wednesday night by Jess to join her and Mike for dinner, I reluctantly agreed. When I arrived, I'd expected it to be just the three of us, but imagine my surprise when it wasn't just the two of them, but Bella as well.

As soon as she saw me, she suddenly looked like she wanted to be anywhere else but here.

Me too Bella, me too.

Jess smiled wryly behind her hand while Mike gave me an apologetic glance; seemingly used to my sister's shenanigans. Kissing both of their cheeks, I mentally burn holes into the back of Jess's head and hand Mike the bottle of wine I'd brought.

Not knowing what is proper platonic etiquette between the two of us, I settle for a small wave in Bella's direction, earning a small, but amused smile. Apparently, this isn't enough for Jess and she pushes me towards the couch where Bella sits. The sudden motion nearly causes me to stumble, my shoulder slightly bumping against hers with a soft thump. I quickly apologize but she shakes her head.

"Hey, Edward."

"Hi…um Bella." I stuttered.

"How are you?" She asks and I notice Jess and Mike disappear into the kitchen, leaving us alone.

So not awkward at all.

"I'm good, just good. Working you know? A few new campaigns, but other than that, just a bit of this and a little bit of that." I rambled. Bella's silent for a moment and it looks like she wants to say something else but refrains. Not liking the silence, I try quickly to think of something else to say when she interrupts me.

"Does that include dating?" I fidget slightly at the sudden change in conversation and she curses under her breath.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean that. You don't have to answer that." She mutters shaking her head. I scratch my head nervously.

Simple answers, Cullen. Keep it simple.

"Uh no…you?"

"No…" She trails embarrassedly but I also detect a bit of relief there. My nerves buzz to ask her about the sudden interest in relationships when Mike and Jess come back out with drinks. Dinner follows soon afterward with Bella and I coincidently placed beside each other at their tiny dining room table.

There's less than an inch between us and I can feel the warmth of her skin next to mine. My body is practically humming in anticipation with every breath and move she makes. Bella's long hair grazes my arm, swishing her scent around me in an intoxicating cloud. I feel like a prepubescent guy on his first date with the way she's affecting me, but at least I can tell Bella is just as disturbed as I am.

My thigh may or may not have accidentally brushed against hers a few times and every time I did, I'd notice goosebumps rise upon her skin. Bella stroked my ego a bit when I'd notice her sneak a few glances at me but always managed to turn away when I caught her eye.

Jess and Mike try to keep the conversation going and I attempt to be a good guest, but it's just too hard to concentrate. Dinner finishes and we all stand up awkwardly, neither of us knowing what else the night might entail. Jess says something under her breath that I can't catch and I decide to help Mike with the dishes.

As I help Mike gather dishes, Jess hollers something about running out to grab dessert. I offer to wash since they both cooked and suddenly I find myself alone as Jess practically drags Mike out the kitchen. I hear another muddled response, the slam of a door, and then silence. It's only then, that I realize that I had once again fallen into Jess's trap and she and Mike were gone, leaving me alone with Bella.

As if she can here me mentally calling her name, she appears in the doorway, shuffling her feet.

"Mind if I help?" Bella asks softly. "I can dry while you wash." I nod my head.

"Sure, that would be great." I try to smile although I'm sure it appears as a grimace. Being in Bella's company with other people was one thing; I could keep myself under control and distracted.

Being alone with her on the other hand, well…that was just asking for trouble.

We wash the first set of dishes in silence, the slight slush of water and squeaking of towels against the plate being the only indicators of occupancy in the room.

"So…"I drawl awkwardly, passing Bella another dish.

"So…." She mimics, causing me to once again nervously laugh.

What was I fifteen?

"Set up." I hear her say. I furrow my brows in confusion.

"You know this is a set up right?" Bella repeats. She looks at me in bewilderment.

"Mike and Jess…conveniently leaving out for dessert. I mean, I know you saw the cheesecake in the back of the fridge." she continues. To prove her point, Bella opens the fridge, moving around a few odd items and sure enough, hidden behind a badly placed bag of lettuce, is a cheesecake; dated today, unopened and undisturbed. I shrug my shoulders.

"Well Jess isn't known for her subtlety, I'm pretty sure she lured poor Mike into her shenanigans so that we could talk." I add. We both look at each other, and the words that need to be said suddenly struggle to come to mind. Bella appears to be dealing with the same internal struggle. Eventually, the silence gets to me.

"So I heard you were in therapy." I utter and inwardly grimace at the words that leave my lips.

"Seriously Edward? The first time in months we actually have a conversation without one of us being frustrated and that's what you blurt out?" She giggles.

Well, at least she wasn't mad at me.

"Yeah that was kind of awkward wasn't it." I deadpan. Bella chuckles softly and shrugs her shoulders.

"Yeah it was, but that's okay. At least it's you who has your foot in your mouth for once and not me." I roll my eyes at her response.

"You sound like my father. And you're right, I've been having a lot of that problem lately." I hand her another dish.

"Who are you telling? I visited with my mom a few weeks ago, and I met one of her old friends from high school. What she failed to mention was the giant mole he had in the middle of his forehead. It's one of those things you try not to pay attention to in order not to offend, but can't help but stare because it's so unusual. My mother goes to introduce us and when I go to shake his hand, I say 'Nice to mole you.' You should have seen the look on their faces. I could have died…" I cut her story off as I burst out laughing. I laugh so hard, that my stomach begins to cramp. Bella puts the plate down and smacks my arm.

"It's not funny! Of course, I apologized, but I could tell I embarrassed him. Ugh, I wanted to crawl into a hole." She continues to laugh.

Our laughter trails off and the room is silent once again. As I hand her the final dish, I try to find the right words to say, but my eyes linger on a damp spot along the collar of her shirt, right where her neck meets her shoulder.

One of my favorite spots to kiss.

Shit….focus Cullen, focus.

Bella says something again, and I have to shake my head to clear my thoughts once again. I really needed to get out of my own head.

"It's going quite good." I stay silent, suddenly realizing where our conversation has shifted. I gesture for her to continue.

"Dr. Jenks is helping me work out some of the issues I have with trust. I don't see much progress right now, but she assures me that I'm in a way better place now than when I first began seeing her." Bella adds.

"I'm glad to hear that." I say proudly. Reaching into the fridge to grab the forgotten cheesecake, I grab two forks and gestures for Bella to follow me back into the living room.

I momentarily worry about the slight lull in conversation but to my relief, she follows me and sits next to me on the couch, eagerly grabbing a fork and taking a bite of cheesecake as I remove the lid. We begin to talk about random things and in between those arbitrary anecdotes; small glimpses of her life these past few months began seeping through the cracks.

Bella revealed to me that Bree and Diego were expecting a baby girl, to which they were going to name her Riley Victoria Tanner-Sanchez. It was a hell of a mouthful, but I kept quiet. I mean, it wasn't my kid so who was I to judge? She mentioned visiting her parents, whose once damaged relationship was quickly mending, the prospects of a new job, and how she knew I was still stopping by the restaurant every night to check on her.

"You know you're not as incognito as you think you are." I rub the back of my neck in embarrassment but shrug it off. Luckily, Bella laughs at my stalker-ish behavior and continues rambling.

I begin telling her things about my life as well, the familiarity reappearing as if it had never left. Our bodies naturally gravitated towards each other as we spoke, until we were shoulder-to-shoulder and then suddenly face-to-face. Neither of us realizes that the other had stopped talking and vice versa.

You would have to be blind not to notice the sudden shift of mood between us. It wasn't a moment between friends, but rather one between former lovers; who were suddenly desperate to rekindle what had been lost.

I could feel the soft pants of her breath against my skin; goosebumps rising as she somehow made it onto my lap and my hands on her hips. Still a few inches between us, neither of us made any forward movement. The questions of what was happening were heavy in the air. Green eyes met brown and I could see the want, the desperation, but more importantly, the hesitation. The latter feeling like a cold bucket of water being thrown over our heads.

She was not ready.

I wasn't ready.

I mean I was, but deep down, I knew that she wasn't.

We continue to stare at one another in silent contemplation. I watch as she leans forward to the point that her nose grazes the skin of my cheek and just as I think she's about to kiss me, she stops as well, realization and revulsion dawning in her eyes. Bella pulls back and nearly falls backward off my lap when the click of a lock startles us both. We pull apart and move to separate ends of the couch.

"We're back! Empty-handed, unfortunately. Can you believe the stores were closed? Like what the fu..." Jessica loudly booms from the front door. She looks to both Bella and me on the couch and notices the amount of space between us. Jess frowns and a small pout appears on her face. Mike strolls in behind her with an apologetic glance.

"I guess you forgot about the cheesecake in the fridge huh?" I gesture to the container on the table."

"Did I? Oh silly me." She tries to play coy, but Mike cuts her off.

"Jess leave it alone. It's pretty obvious they know what you're up to. This isn't a movie. You expected to come back and find them all over each other so that you could gloat and brag that you brought them back together." Mike huffs. Bella and I continue to look away from each other. Little did they both know how close to the truth that statement was. Jess looking chastised, lets out a deep breath.

"It could have worked…" she mutters. Mike rolls her eyes and kisses her cheek.

"But it didn't. Bella, Edward, I'm so sorry about this. I wish I knew about her plan before I'd invited you both over."

"It's fine, really. Look, um…it's getting late. I should probably go." Bella says shakily and gets up. Mimicking her actions, I get up as well and offer to walk her out.

"You don't have to Edward." She starts to argue but stops when she sees the expression on my face. Bella sighs and says her goodbyes. She knows I would never let her walk out alone this late at night; even if her car was only a few feet away. I throw on my jacket and follow behind her towards her car in the garage. As we approach her car, she suddenly turns, causing me to nearly collide into her chest. I brace myself and place a hand on her shoulder.

Before I can ask if she's okay, she begins apologizing.

"About earlier, I'm so sorry. I got caught up in the moment and I don't know what came over me." Bella rambles.

"It's fine, no biggie." I reply. She shakes her head and pushes my hand away from her.

"No, it isn't. We almost kissed Edward. We're supposed to be friends, or whatever you want to call this relationship of ours." Bella gestures wildly between us. "We haven't been together in months, MONTHS!, and yet when I'm around you it feels like no time has passed at all. My skin literally itches; begging for you to touch me." She whimpers.

"And you don't think it's the same for me?" I question. Bella ignores my question and continues.

"It's so easy to get lost in you and I can't. I'm not ready." I watch as she goes over to lean against her car door.

"I'll be honest, when Jess invited me over tonight out of the blue, I knew she was up to something. I had my suspicions that she'd invite you over and I wanted so bad to cancel. I almost did and then, I thought to myself, why not? I'm making so much progress in my life and I wasn't going to let you disrupt that. So I came anyways and 'Boom!' there you were; disrupting everything I had worked so hard to get over."

"Dinner was a bit uncomfortable, but once we were alone and talking it felt so good to have 'my Edward' back. The guy who would listen to my mindless venting and then reassure me that no matter what happened it would be okay. It felt normal. I felt normal for the first time in a while. For a moment, I finally felt okay being your friend and then I go and ruin that by trying to kiss you." She continues on the brink of tears.

"Love, honestly it's okay. We're both guilty parties here. Whatever occurred moments ago were both our faults." Bella kicks her heel against her front tire and begins pacing.

"Don't call me love! Can't you see how confusing this is for me? I want you so bad it hurts. It hurts, Edward and you don't want me." She looks up at me with watery brown eyes.

"I never said I didn't want you." I argue. Bella huffs and rolls her eyes.

"Didn't sound like it the last time I checked." I grab her hand to stop her pacing and pull her towards me for what hopefully is the third and final time. She doesn't pull away so I take this as a good sign.

"I love you Isabella Swan, more than I've ever loved anything in this world, but we can't happen right now and you know it. You knew it too, the moment you pulled away. I would have let you kiss me, without a moment of hesitation. You knew it wasn't the right time, which is why you pulled away. Give yourself some credit" I whisper. Bella sighs and presses her forehead against my chest. Breathing in the soothing scent of her hair, I press a kiss to her forehead.

"Being just your friend is the hardest thing I've ever done."

"Being your friend is the hardest thing I've ever done. If it's meant for us in the scheme of things to just be friends, then I'm going to make it count. BFFS for life." I finish in a high-pitched voice. I pucker my lips and make a peace sign for good measure. Bella pulls back in amusement.

"That's incredibly cheesy."

"Trust me I know. Not to mention, I have the biggest pair of blue balls known to man right now." I growl. This causes another small giggle to fall from her lips.

"Really Edward?" She replies in disbelief. I shrug my shoulders.

"Foot in mouth remember?"

….end FB …

Bella's Point of View

"So I have a date." I blurt to Dr. Jenks one afternoon during one of our weekly therapy sessions. I watch as she shifts in her seat and looks at me over the rim of her glasses.

"That's a new change. How are you feeling about that?" she asks in a calm tone.

"Honestly?" She nods her head. "I'm terrified." Dr. Jenks says nothing but I can tell she wants me to continue.

"His name is Afton. I met him at work. He's one of the contractors at the museum."

"That's great Bella." She smiles brightly. Dr. Jenks brushes a few dark strands off her face and begins scribbling something in her notepad.

"Is it though?" Dr. Jenks stops writing and looks at me.

" I believe so. You going on a date indicate one of two things to me. The first is that you're socializing, and the second, is that you're opening up yourself to someone other than close friends and family. Your first date in several months I might add. That's a stark contrast to the woman I first began seeing almost a year ago." She smiles.

"I know. While I still have a few things to work through, I'm kind of proud of myself for making it this far." I grin happily.

"And I am proud of you." Her words cause me to grin and while I am happy for putting myself out there, I can't help but frown at the small pit of anxiety that begins to bubble in my stomach.

"But what if I'm not ready?" Dr. Jenks quirks a dark eyebrow.

"Who says you aren't? If you are uncomfortable, you have every right to decline Afton's invitation." I nod my head.

"But you didn't."

"I know. I accepted his invitation because I wanted to. I guess I'm just a little afraid. It's like my life has been on a speed track of late. I quit my job at Fred's for an assistant research position at a small museum here in the city, my best friend and his fiancée are just weeks from bringing their daughter into the world, and now this." I ramble and I can feel the small inklings of panic begin to throb heavily.

"Breathe, Bella." Dr. Jenks responds coolly, helping me ease my panic before it can get the best of me. Once she sees that I'm calm, she continues.

"Constant changes can be a lot for someone, even if they're not in therapy. But I don't think that's the reason why you're worried. Is this because of Edward?"

"Edward? What does he have to do with this?" I eye her curiously as she begins furiously writing something in her notepad.

Of course, as my therapist, she knew of all the messing dealings between Edward and I. It was nice to have someone to vent to without any bias of the parties involved. She never judged me for my actions or his, rather offering neutral statements that aided me in figuring out some of my issues and their resolutions on my own.

If she weren't my therapist, I honestly think she and I would have been great friends.

That was saying a lot of me, considering she was one of those women whose appearance alone would have once made me feel incredibly inferior.

Dr. Jenks looked as if she belonged on the runways of Paris with models instead of an office listening to my problems. With skin the color of silky chocolate, hazel eyes, and legs that went on for days, she was absolutely gorgeous and could give Naomi some fierce competition.

I told her as such during one of our first sessions and she laughed, thanking me for the compliment. As if she could tell I was inwardly comparing my body to hers she began her own evaluation and began making a list.

It was one of the first issues we worked on. I learned to stop comparing myself to other women; which led to the deeper issues I felt; not feeling pretty enough to keep the attention of the guys I dated in the past.

Every session we had, she gave me an assignment to tell her one quality/feature I loved about myself. It felt incredibly silly at first, but with time, it led to an appreciation of myself that I wished I'd found sooner.

We hadn't spoken about Edward in a while; working on other issues I dealt with, so for her to bring up his name resonated heavily on me.

What did he have to do with this?

Our relationship was almost back to normal. Not romantically (although there would always be that intense connection between us) but platonically; and he was back to being one of my best friends.

Friends...god how I hated that word at the time.

After my little blow up at Jess and Mike's place, there seemed to be a shift from the awkward glances and avoidance to that of understanding and resolution.

We didn't immediately start hanging out with each other or anything but started off with texting. Just a simple "hey, how are you" or "Good Morning/good night text". Over a few months, those gradually shifted from more casual texts to hour-long phone calls and eventually occasional hangouts with some of his family and friends. We even hung out with Bree and Diego some nights.

It seemed a bit masochistic of me to be around him so much, but in order for me to become a better version of myself, it was something that had to happen. He gave me all the space I needed, and I held the reins in my hands about when I wanted to be around him.

And yet, Edward always seemed to be the first person I called when something major happened in my life. When I decided to quit my job at Fred's and pursue my dream of working in a museum, Edward was the one who eased my panic and stopped me from running back in to beg and get my job back.

Not Diego, Bree, or even my mom and dad. Granted it was something more localized then grand, but it was him that gave me the encouragement to just go after what I wanted and for once not to over-analyze and worry about the what if's.

At the end of my session, Dr. Jenks had given me several things to think about.

Maybe internally I was worried about Edward's reaction. But a larger part of me was more concerned for myself, at the sudden realization that I was moving on with my life and that just maybe, I could be happy without him.

.…...

"He actually encouraged me to go on the date." I express to Bree one night. She looks over at me with Pattinson perched on her watermelon-sized stomach and gasps.

"He did? What's the catch?" She asks while simultaneously stuffing her face with some chips. I wince as she finishes chewing and lets out a loud burp. Bree shrugs her shoulder and apologizes.

"Ugh, I'm sorry. Indigestion is a bitch. These days I feel like I'm Sigourney Weaver and a little alien is going to come bursting out at any second." I brush my hand against the side of her stomach and feel a soft thump against my hand. Feeling another thump of encouragement from my niece, I lean back against the couch.

"That what I thought too. I mean is it not wrong of me to be a little suspicious of how encouraging he is about all of this." I snuggle Stewart against my chest and rub my nose against his furry mane.

"You think there was an ulterior motive?" Bree asks. I shake my head and sigh.

"No, that's the thing. Edward genuinely seemed to want me to go. Fuck, why does he have to be so understanding?" I hadn't meant to tell Edward about my date, but when he asked if I had any plans for the weekend, it kind of just came out. He appeared a bit shocked at first but seemed to be open to the idea.

"Well you know I'm Team Bella, but I gotta go with Edward on this one. I really do think he's happy for you." Bree adds. She pushes Pattinson off her lap and gets up to stretch before sitting back down. She laughs when she curls back up in the same position against her belly.

"Now you know what the real question now is right?" I look at her in confusion.

"Duh, is he dating? I freeze for a second at the thought but continue speaking.

"I don't know. I didn't really ask. It's kind of an unspoken rule between us to not delve into those kinds of things. Me telling him was more of a courtesy I guess even if it was an accident." I continue stroking Stewart's fur.

"For you or for him?" Bree retorts.

"I guess myself." I turn to look at her. "I've been on the receiving end of feeling out of the loop. I wouldn't want to do the same to him."

"So I guess the next question would be, would it hurt you if he was?" I roll my eyes.

"What are you, my therapist?" Bree throws a few chips at me, which sends Pattinson into a frenzy.

"Answer the question." I continue stroking Stewart's coat and ponder her words for a moment."

"No, I don't think I would. Edward has been amazing and he's always putting my happiness first. I do believe it's right of me to do the same for him. If he's happy dating other people then so am I." Bree looks shocked at my response.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that response." I laugh at the awed expression on her face.

"Neither was I, but I meant it." And I truly did. Bree seemingly being mollified for the night attempts to get up and gather her belongings. Seeing her struggle for a second with a disgruntled expression on her face, I amusedly reach out a hand to help her up. Her belly brushes against mine and I feel another robust kick.

"Ooh, wouldn't it just be scandalous if my water broke right now?" She giggles, causing her belly to jump with each movement.

"Can it Tanner, you better not leak on my floor."`

…..WLTYAS…

I should have liked Afton, I really should have.

He was everything a woman could dream of.

He was extremely caring, sweet, on good terms with his family and just an overall good person. Afton was the perfect gentleman in every way a girl could imagine and yet I just couldn't bring myself to like him in that way.

When he invited me out I was genuinely interested; excited even, and now… something was just off.

I was off.

We were currently dining at some fancy Mediterranean restaurant in the city. The night would have been perfect in one of those cliché rom-com movies, where Afton brings me roses and is all shy and nervous trying to get my attention. Dinner would be underneath candlelight and at the end of the night; he'd finally work up the courage to kiss me. I would kiss him back eagerly and we would immediately fall in love and live happily ever after.

Yeah, if only. But this was not a fairytale.

This was reality and despite how much an amazing guy he was, he wasn't Edward. It also didn't help that we'd been hanging out just the day before.

It hadn't been planned and we'd literally bumped into each other. We both laughed that the universe was destined to push us together no matter how hard we tried to ignore it.

We hung out for a few hours and despite us not being with each other romantically, that feeling of love; the exhilaration and breathlessness of being in the company of someone that made you happy were at an all-time high. Edward could be talking about the physics of the universe and I would just be happy to hear his voice.

I'd never felt that way with any of the guys I've dated and I didn't feel that right now.

He wasn't Edward and that made all the difference.

Despite our easy conversation, he could see that I wasn't paying much attention and grabs my hand. His hands are slightly warm and callused, a sign of the hard work he does at the museum, but it feels wrong. I pull my hand back.

"I guess I'm the only one having a good time." He replies dejectedly.

"No Afton I am having a good time, this night has been perfect. Probably one of the best dates I've been on. Look its not you, it's me…" I try to apologize.

"I guess that's your way of letting me down easy huh." Afton states candidly.

"No…I don't know. I'm so sorry Edw...ugh Afton." I cover my mouth with my hands in horror.

"Oh I'm so sorry Afton." I apologize shakily. My hands shake so bad that I nearly knock over my water glass. Afton steadies my hands.

"Ah there it is. There's someone else." He nods his head in mock acceptance.

"No...Maybe. Shit, Afton this has probably got to be one of the most awkward first dates for you isn't it."

"Well I wouldn't say awkward, but not too good either. At least not now." He breathes.

"That's my fault really."

"Can you tell me about him?"

"Look, there's no him. Well, I don't think there is, look I don't know. Edward, he's my friend."

"But you want to be more than friends?" He questions confusedly. I let out a deep breath.

"At one point, we were more than friends, but it stopped for personal reasons. Look that doesn't matter now. I hate how awkward I've made this night. You've done so much." I continue and I startle as my phone bings with a text. I ignore it the first time, but then it continues to bing in rapid succession. Apologizing for what feels like the millionth time, I bend down to grab my phone from my purse.

My phone beeps and I look down at a text from Diego that nearly causes me to jump out of my seat.

"I have to go, it's an emergency." I push my chair back and go to grab my belongings.

"Ah the old emergency phone calls routine." He chuckles and I stop moving, feeling completely horrified.

"Crap, I know how this looks but it's not a ploy. My best friend's fiancée is in labor! My niece is on the way. I can't miss this." I apologize. I immediately start digging through my purse for a few bills but Afton grabs my hand to stop me. He stands and quickly grabs a few bills of his own from his wallet for the bill and tip.

"This is all on me." He helps me put on my coat and walks me out of the restaurant. Seeing as I left my car at home, he quickly hails me a cab.

Before I can get in, I apologize once again for being such a horrible date. Afton grins with that brilliant smile of his and shakes his head.

"Well, this date is definitely one for the books, but I definitely don't regret it. You're one hell of a woman Miss Swan."

"And you're a wonderful guy. Anyone woman would be lucky to have you. I just don't think it's me." I kiss his cheek and grin as I hop into the idling cab with a goodbye.

...

"I can't believe you guys made her." I coo pressing their daughter to my chest. I breathe in her soft baby scent and brush a finger against the wispy black strands of hair on her tiny head. She looks a lot like Bree, but I can see bits of Diego in there; especially the little dimple on her left cheek that was making its presence known every time she moved her mouth. She was the cutest thing I'd ever seen and I couldn't wait to spoil her rotten.

I thought it would be several hours if not a couple of days before Bree gave birth, but as soon as Diego texted me it was a whirlwind of events. Apparently Bree had been in active labor for several hours, not realizing her water had broken the day before; believing that she had just peed herself. Less than a couple of hours after their arrival, shortly after midnight their 9lb 6oz. daughter was born.

"You? Me! I can't believe I made her too. I also can't believe she split me in two! I have stitches! Riley is lucky she's so freaking cute." Bree grumbles and I grin as Diego presses a kiss to her temple.

"Yeah kiss me all you want, because you are never touching me again. I am one and done!"

"Whatever you say my dear." Diego replies with a dopey grin.

As if baby Riley could hear her mom silently calling her, she begins rooting and I quickly hand her back with a laugh.

"No milk in those." Bree of course with no shame pulls down her gown and begins breastfeeding.

Rolling my eyes, I look over at my best friend and suddenly feel my eyes get misty. I go over and give Diego a tight hug. Feeling his arms tighten around me, I let out a small sniffle.

"Ah chica, you're not getting all weepy on me are you?" He questions. I raise my hand up to ruffle his thick curls.

"I can't help it." I sniff. "You're a father now Di, I can't believe it." We hold each other for several more moments before we release each other. Diego walks over to Bree and Riley and looks back over at me with his own watery smile.

"Me either. She's beautiful isn't she!" He brushes a finger against her chubby cheek. Of course, that causes me to take out my phone and take another photo.

"You better not send that one to Edward, my tits out." Bree sighs unlatching Riley and passing her over to Diego to burp. She pulls her gown back up.

"I was not going to send that one to him." I grumble deleting the pic.

"Yes, she was. One more photo to add to the hundreds she's probably sent to him so far." Diego grins. As if in agreement, Riley let out a loud burp.

"That's my girl." He coos and places her down in her bassinet next to Bree's bed.

"I did not send him hundreds. Maybe six or seven; okay maybe ten, but only to show off how cute Riley is." I defend. Diego and Bree look at each other with knowing smiles.

"What's that look?" I ask suspiciously.

"Oh nothing." Bree grins. I want to interrogate her more about it, but I can tell she's visibly tired. Riley makes another noise from her bassinet and Diego picks her back up to place her back in Bree's arms. Riley snuggles against her chest and Diego climbs in the bed with them to wrap his arms around them both.

If I wasn't crying then, I definitely was now.

It was one thing to fall in love; it was completely different to watch someone else fall in love from the outside.

Diego and Bree were just two strangers; oblivious to each other's affections until one of them threw all caution to the wind and took a chance. And look at them now; engaged with a beautiful baby girl and a prospect of numerous opportunities.

It was all the things I'd ever wished for and wanted.

I still wanted it.

Would I ever be able to have those things?

I guess there was only one way to find out.

…..

It was almost two weeks to that day after I had my little epiphany that I found myself knocking harshly on Edward's door one evening. It was major déjà vu considering the last time I knocked on his door, things hadn't ended well between us.

Edward had barely gotten the door open before I grabbed him in a tight hug, crushing my face against his neck. I felt his arms tighten around me and slowly maneuver us into his apartment. I hear the click of his door before I muster up the courage to let him go.

"Not that I'm happy to see you, but are you okay? You're kind of freaking me out." Edward questions as I pull away. I step back and let out a deep breath.

"Edward, do you remember the words you said to me that day?" He looks confused for a second.

"What words? I've spoken a lot of them to you."

"The night I came to you after the Maggie situation and apologized. You asked me a question. Do you remember?" He nods his head and grabs my hand pulling me over towards the couch. Edward doesn't make move to let go and I won't stop him either; intertwining our fingers.

"I asked if you loved yourself." I nod my head.

"Do you remember my answer?" He shakes his head no and I let out a little laugh.

"Honestly, I don't either. It's probably because I didn't have a clear answer then." Edward makes a motion to say something but I silence him.

"Just let me get this out. If I were to guess, my answer then would have been no. I was angry. I was mad at you, mad at Maggie, mad at the world…and mad at myself. You were right, I shouldn't have put you on a pedestal like that, and for that, I want to truly and sincerely apologize."

"Bella, you don't have to…" I cut him off.

"I also want to say thank you." Edward really looks confused as the words leave my lips.

"Thank you?" He repeats in bewilderment. "For what?"

"For being honest with me that day and all the days that followed. You were right. I wasn't ready to be in such a committed relationship like that. I had too many issues and while I'm not completely absolved from them, I can see things much clearer now. Also, for being my friend. Who would have thought I'd ever say those words." I giggle and Edward wraps an arm around my shoulders.

"Lastly, I want to thank you for giving me time, and letting me get the chance to rediscover who Bella Swan is." I smile.

"And who exactly is Bella Swan now." Edward smiles. I lean back against the couch with a smile and pull his hand onto my lap.

"Well, Bella Swan is this feisty almost twenty-eight-year-old who loves art history, her family, friends, and furry children."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. Bella also likes watching cheesy horror movies, reading fantasy novels, and hanging out with her best friend at all hours of the night."

"I bet Diego would be so proud."

"I'm not talking about Diego." I retort.

"Bree then." I smack his arm.

"You know I'm not talking about her either."

"Are you now? Tell me more." He adds cockily. I roll my eyes but continue.

"Bella finds happiness in museums, bookstores, and the occasional Starbucks. " Edward laughs at the latter and mutters under his breath.

"Can't forget the coffee." He mocks.

"Bella would also like to stop talking about herself in the third person." I sit up and look at him.

"Look, what I'm saying is you asked me if I was happy and at the time I wasn't. Now I am. I'm happy that I am alive. I'm happy that I have a great job and amazing friends and family that surround me. I'm happy to be me." My eyes become teary at the realization.

While I knew things wouldn't always be this way, the prospect of opening my life to a new chapter was very much appealing. A chapter where I wasn't afraid to take chances; even if the outcome didn't go my way.

"I'm also very happy to be in love with someone who I very much hope loves me too."

"And if this someone did love you back, what would your thoughts be on that?" Edward's fingers tightened against mine.

"I think I would be the luckiest person in the world." Were both silent as the weight of my words settled. This time it's Edward that breaks the silence.

" Remember my words all those months ago?" Now it's my turn to be confused.

"I said that if you kissed me, I would let you without hesitation." I smile and nod my head. Playing along, I get on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck.

"If the roles were reversed, could I do the same?" Edward asks. I nod my head again.

"Then, by all means, go ahead." Edward barely lets a breath out before I press my lips against his. Months of pent up frustration erupt in our kiss; my heart thumping wildly in my chest. He held my face in his hands so tenderly that I felt like I was floating. His lips, his touch; it all felt like home.

Falling in love with Edward was the easy part; it was admitting to myself that it happened that was hard.

Looking back at the woman I was before, I'd wondered if it this kind of feeling would ever be in the cards for me. I'd thought being hurt meant that I'd always feel that way and that no one would ever look at me the way Diego looks at Bree, my mother looks at my father or even the way I now look at myself.

While there were still so many stepping-stones left to be uncovered and conversations to be held between us, I relished in the moment of us now.

In love and with each other.

Whatever the universe had in store for Edward and me; whether we stayed together or not, I was ready for it.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

Thoughts? Leave it in a review!

xoxo Sylvia Cullen