AN: Long chapter followed by a quick but heavy one.

Enjoy!

"Talking"

Emphasis

Thinking

"Android brain talking and texting"

internal workings like mission updates, scanning, and android googling

Chap 12

She hasn't really known him.

It was true; Cassian had only truly known Simon for a couple days. A couple days which started with him fuming out the door, angry at her. After their talk, they only saw each other in an official capacity; Markus and the others wanted information on Cyberlife's inner workings and she was the most qualified to give that information. They were friendly and they joked along with the rest but they didn't get any time alone to talk; Cassian wondered if one (or both) of them were avoiding the other, subconsciously or not. The last time she had seen Simon, he was making his way out of Jericho for the mission; he had looked resigned but hopeful.

She hadn't known him...but she felt his loss deeply. Maybe it was some residual feelings from Jack's memories or maybe they had connected far too quickly for comfort, but she felt a hole in her life that she had only felt once before. She felt angry, at herself; if she had been there, maybe she could have patched him up in time to get out of there. She highly doubted it, Josh had said they barely got out of there as is, but that didn't stop her from thinking herself into a guilt ridden haze.

She watched as Jericho continued to live; a little quiet but moving along nicely. She didn't want to dump her pain on the others or ruin this for the twins, so she separated herself from them, only truly interacting with her patients, and detached herself from her own feelings, sure that they would be better off without her dark rain cloud hanging over them. She left keeping people's spirits up to Hadley, because Hadley was...Hadley: overly cheerful and helpful to the point of annoyance. She was a shining beacon of energy in the dark, grimy ship. As annoying as she was, she kept the whole of Jericho from sinking into a depression: she entertained the children, kept the injured talking and lucid, and eventually even asked Logan to teach her some first aid; she was a surprisingly quick learner.

Cassian was sitting in the dark watching her bounce about. The last few days have been a battle between her need to run and her need to help; she was exhausted.

"You place the worries of the world on your shoulders."

She doesn't look at Lucy as the woman glides up behind her, silent as always.

"The world is not your responsibility."

""Do not try to carry the burden alone" huh?" Sarcasm colored her quiet voice.

""It will crush you." Kill you; fast and hard or slow and deliberate, I don't know, but it has already started."

Cassian turns towards the woman with tired eyes and knows she is right; she couldn't continue like this. From the corner of her eye, she saw Astrid talking with North, standing far too close to be entirely friendly; she seemed happy here.

"Not all is dark. Don't lose hope."

Hope...

She says nothing as Lucy leaves.

"How are you feeling?" Josh walked up behind Cassian as she sat there watching Lucy return to her corner.

"Like shit." Her tone might have been too harsh but she honestly didn't want to talk.

"Why? You barely knew him?" His tone told her he didn't mean it to hurt her, he was genuinely curious and there was a hint of something that said he was leading to something. But that didn't stop her from responding with anger.

"Why am I sad that a man died?"

"Many people knew him, he was here the longest out of all of us…"

"And now he's gone. 2 years I waited to talk to him and he's gone."

"Don't you think that's a little selfish? Many of us cared for him..."

His words hit her hard; he was right. She was being selfish in her grief. Jericho was quiet the past few days, struggling with the loss of a longstanding pillar of their community, and here she was wallowing in the corner as if she was the only one who felt it. She had been alone for so long, she didn't know how to be in a group of people, never did.

"...Shit…"

"That doesn't invalidate your pain," he continues, "but you can't shut people out because you feel like they won't understand. We do and, if we don't, we won't if you don't talk to us."

"How is everyone on this boat so fucking wise?"

Josh chuckles, "Go talk to him."

There was no question as to who he was talking about; Markus had disappeared after the tower, showing up only to get updates. Cassian had barely noticed.

"How do you know he'll talk to me?"

Josh sighs, "Simon liked you, no matter your rocky start, and he liked Simon...he'll listen."

"But-"

"Talk to him."

"I will."

Cassian finds their leader in an abandoned building just off the water; Hadley points her in the right direction (after an entirely too long conversation with many segues and Cassian had to lead her back to the topic at hand several times...) and she followed piano music to the top; she only spared a short moment to question how there was a working piano up there before she spoke, leaning against the doorway.

"You're a hard man to find."

"Says you."

"Yeah...I've been distant; losing Simon hit me hard." Remembering her conversation with Josh, she sighs, making her way over to Markus, "I'm sorry, you knew him longer, I can't imagine what you're feeling..."

"Not too much longer, only a little over three week before you came to us, but…"

"Yeah…"

They watched the horizon, broken by jagged spires of buildings in the distance, shadowed by the setting sun.

"I shouldn't have encouraged him to go; he thought it was a stupid risk."

"He did," Markus looks at her, surprised at her candid, "he thought it was very stupid. But he also thought it was what needed to happen. He chose to go, chose to follow you; don't beat yourself up over other people's choices." She felt like a hypocrite, but watching his face soften, she knew it was the right thing to say. "And we have plenty more stupid risks ahead of us."

"We?"

Cassian shrugs with a melancholy smile even she didn't quite believe, "If this is going to be my home, might as well help out a bit."

"You're already doing enough; you and your sisters."

"But there is more to do..."

"There always is."

Leaving Markus to his thoughts, she walked back to Jericho proper. She felt lighter; not ok but she at least had a foothold on the path towards healing. Her sisters met her on the docks. Cassian didn't know what to say to them, she knew she had hurt them by avoiding them for the last few days. They must be so angry at being ignored. She needn't have worried: Astrid swept her into a hug as soon as they hurried over to her.

"Cassie, where were you? We couldn't find you anywhere!"

"Cassie?" Astrid had called her that when she first woke up, when their family truly started but she hadn't since then, Cassian figured she only let it slip when she was worried.

"You're my sister, I'm entitled to give you a nickname."

Cassian chuckles as they move into the ship, "I suppose you are…So, you're not mad at me?"

"Furious. We looked everywhere for you!"

"That's not what I meant…"

"Oh Cassian…" Astrid shares a look with Logan, "No, we're not mad; we know you need your space when you're upset."

"Oh…" Cassian didn't know what to say, she was so grateful for her sisters, she just pulled them both down into a tight hug, both of them having to hunch over to wrap their arms around her.

They walked in companionable silence down the winding hallways for a long while before Cassian couldn't stop herself from asking, "So….North? When did that happen?"

Astrid stopped so fast Cassian literally ran into her back. She turned to face her much smaller, big sister, "What-how? Why do you ask that?" Her voice rose an octave in shock, as Logan laughed loudly behind them.

"I'm your sister, as you pointed out, I'm entitled to tease you about your relationships."

She giggled as Astrid sputtered.

"I don't say anything about Connor!"

Cassian's eyes narrow, "How…"

"We're not dumb, Cassian." Logan said with a snort of laughter, "We may have not been Awake at the time but you weren't exactly subtle back in the office. I have zero idea how you survived that long with that poker face...or how he never figured it out."

"I feel like I should probably figure it out before he can..."

"Besides, we saw you after the river…"

Cassian had no answer for that. She punched Logan in the shoulder with a scowl, not hard enough to hurt them (not that she could hit that hard,) but hard enough to send them into another fit of laughter, Astrid joining in. Eventually, they pulled her in and they laughed themselves silly, together, in the hallway. Cassian felt her heart grow even lighter.

Somewhere, Lucy smiled.

A few hours later, Cassian approached the small group of Jericho leaders as they argued over a map of the city.

"What's the plan?"

All three of them turned to the small redhead standing behind them, hands on her hips, looking determined.

Markus was the one who answered her, "We're going to take our first step, another risk. I won't ask you to come; I know your sisters are your main priority."

"I know you won't...so what's the plan?"

AN: So, Markus has been in Jericho nearly a month in this (3 weeks, 6 days.) I did say I would be stretching out the game a bit. Maybe I'll make a timeline for y'all at some point. I have one for myself for planning purposes but it's messy and full of spoilers.

Cassian is a true depressed mom friend; will wallow in sadness but as soon as her friends wallow she's fine and is there for them. Honestly, big mood.

Reviews!

Guest: Wish you had an account, so I could thank you for your review right to your face (or at least your username) cause reading your review made my heart grow 3 sizes (which I needed cause I read it while I was working on this chapter and needed the pick me up lol) I'm really glad you're enjoying reading it cause I'm really enjoying writing it! As for your second point, my only answer is: ";)"