Chapter 20

Zuko sat at his desk, head drooping over a newly opened letter from Dr. Liu. He closed his eyes and for the first time in months, decided to dedicate the rest of his night to thinking solely about his little sister. She was always lurking in the back of his mind, but he felt increasingly guilty about ignoring the thoughts. He often heard whispers of his supposed neglectful treatment of the still Fire Nation Princess and Ty Lee openly accused him of the same, only with nicer words. With this letter, his guilt was reborn.

In it, Dr. Liu recounted the most recent hysterical episode Azula had: deliberately inflicting a nasty burn on her wrist in full view of the guard, resisting said guard's attempts to subdue her, and tearfully screaming about something Dr. Liu presumed had to do with Ty Lee's visit that day. Azula had yet to speak to the doctor about the matter. Zuko doubted she would.

The young Fire Lord put his head in his hands and felt his heart breaking. All of his attempts to do what he thought was best for Azula were failing miserably. Admittedly, the drastic cooling efforts were not his proudest moment. When Ty Lee revealed that Azula had been in a near comatose state from her body temperature being too low, he'd felt extreme guilt and a slew of doubts and questions settled in his mind. What if something had gone wrong and Azula had died? I would have been fully responsible for it.

Ty Lee was right: cooling was a harsh punishment for any firebender, but for Azula, Zuko imagined it would be downright world-ending. Not being able to feel the warmth of fire coursing through your veins…

He swept a hair that had loosened from his topknot out of his face. What am I supposed to do though? She's dangerous, a threat to herself and others. She must be kept contained. Isn't that the only way? He knew it wasn't, but he didn't know a solution either. And since he hadn't actually spoken to his sister in some time, he was even less sure of the proper course to take. Their already crumbled relationship was on the verge of disintegrating altogether.

The distance he'd put between them after he sided with the Avatar had only deepened once he stopped going to see her. He had hoped so desperately that she would seek out Dr. Liu's help of her own volition, but it seemed she was as stubborn as he was about opening up to people. The only difference was, when he finally opened up, people tried to understand and help him grow. When she allowed people to get close to her, to see her true colors, those people often ended up leaving her behind on her own.

She had only let a few select people into her life and every single one of them had left her. Again, an ache formed inside him. He supposed it was mostly her fault, right? She was so cruel, even to the people closest to her. It made her difficult to tolerate and eventually, when it reached a breaking point, they chose to leave for their own good.

A lot of that had to do with you, you know.

He winced at the old accusation thrown at him from deep within his mind and soon fell into a darkly familiar train of thought.

Mother favored you. She left to protect you. Uncle always sided with you and even joined you in your banishment. You sided with the Avatar. Mai chose you over Azula. And Ty Lee chose Mai as an extension of that. The only one she had was Father and you know how kind and caring he is. Besides, even he discarded her at the end.

Zuko rested his head against the high back of his chair and looked at the ceiling painted with curling plumes of smoke and twisting dragons. His eyes traced their outlines and he wondered why everyone sided as they had. Certainly those people didn't want to stay with him for his charming personality. Even he knew his reputation as a somewhat angsty awkward man.

He supposed it was because Azula was the only one that stuck with the traditional ideals of the Fire Nation that Father and Sozin so vehemently practiced. The supremacy and power of their nation over the others. She was fiercely loyal to her country and that had cost her everything.

Really, she had lived by the books. A hard working, prodigious bender by age eight. Bitingly smart in every subject at school with a particular proclivity for mathematics and history. Adept at military strategies by her teenage years. Father had sculpted her in his image. The image of the old Fire Nation. Not the one that was needed in this new and dramatically changing world.

With the rise of the Avatar and his peaceful teachings of unification and teamwork, her traditionalist principles stood on rocky ground. Zuko understood and adapted to the new changes. He saw the need for the Fire Nation to grow beyond its selfish ideals, but Azula staunchly stood by Father. After all, she was raised solely by him. For her, his teachings were absolute and unquestionable. Anything else would seem treasonous.

He sighed, blinking slowly at a navy blue and black scaled dragon on the ceiling. If Father wasn't so horrible, Azula and I might be ruling this nation together. Zuko's eyes followed the shining scales of the dragon and he abruptly remembered his earliest memory.

A black-haired baby lay sleeping in an ornately crafted crib at his mother's bedside. Zuko tottered over on stubby two and a half year old legs and peeked through the little bars at his baby sister. Her little swaddled chest rose and fell gently as she napped. Zuko stuck his hand through the bars and poked her chubby cheek. Two gold eyes snapped open immediately and he stepped back, almost tripping in surprise.

Still, she didn't make a sound. Baby Azula just watched him curiously as he stood near her again and smiled. Though he was still learning how to string sentences together, he was quickly absorbing all kinds of words. Zuko placed a little hand on his sister's foot and whispered, "Zuwa."

She blinked as he repeated the sound a bunch of times. Azula watched him hop up and down excitedly in front of her, as he tried to make her do something other than lay there so boringly. He made goofy faces and silly sounds, but still she just blinked.

He pouted at her indifference and rubbed his eyes, getting a little sleepy himself. Just before he left to find his mother, he poked her cheek again and then touched his chest, "Zuko."

No reaction. Being a big brother was hard. He spun around to give up and take a nap, but just as he did so, he heard a gurgling sound behind him. Zuko rushed back to the crib and found Azula staring blankly at him again. He frowned, looking at her, confused but determined to see her smile.

Zuko turned around again, thinking that maybe she thought the sight of him walking away was funny, but she didn't make a sound. He returned and tapped his chest again, "Zuko."

Azula blinked her little gold eyes and then cooed happily. Zuko giggled and bounced on his feet, hands gripping the crib, "Zuko! Zuko! Zuko!"

Ursa entered the room, smiling contentedly at her two children. Zuko heard her come in and ran over, pulling her towards the crib to show how he made his normally silent baby sister laugh.

Fire Lord Zuko felt his throat tighten at the memory of innocent times, as more images burst before his eyes. The rare occasions of them playing in the courtyards and gardens of the palace, before sibling rivalry and Father-fueled competition dominated their interactions. With effort, he swallowed. It was no use fixating on the past; he had to think of what to do now. Putting energy in to help his sister was long overdue.

The past few weeks had been uneventful and the doctor's updates were absent of any sort of conflict concerning Azula. Zuko thought she'd finally broken some mysterious invisible barrier on the way to fully recovering, but with this newest breakdown his optimism was shattered.

Crying and screaming. A chill ran down his spine, despite the heat of the room. Zuko had only seen his sister cry one time; a time he would rather forget.

Beneath a comet streaked sky, Azula raged against the chains that bound her to the grate at her feet, spitting fire madly, shrieking and crying awful tears. The image was seared into his brain just as permanently as the burn on his face. He remembered not being able to look away as he saw her swallowed by insanity. It was terrifying and at that moment, he was consumed by a deep heaviness in his chest.

He grimaced at the memory. So many years ago, yet she still has these outbursts at the hospital. She's scarred just as badly as I am, only in a different way... All because of Father.

Zuko sighed deeply, still staring at the ceiling. Dr. Liu thinks it had something to do with Ty Lee. He thought back and suddenly realized that the cooling hadn't been implemented until after Ty Lee began visiting. And she'd had some role in this recent fit. Perhaps her visits are doing more harm than good. Zuko tugged on his lengthening beard. But there was a lull in negative reports for several weeks…

He made a noise of frustration, causing a guard to stick his head in the room and ask if everything was alright. Zuko waved him away, thinking about a new parameter to keep his sister in check. After several minutes of debate, he opened a drawer of his desk and pulled out two spare bits of parchment, a brush, and an ink well. He carefully wrote the letters, sealing them with hot wax melted by his own flame, and called for the guard to send them on a hawk in the morning.

I should see her. Or at least meet personally with Dr. Liu to figure things out.

Standing, he left the room and walked aimlessly around the empty palace, not yet ready for bed. A trio of guards trailed behind him, but he was long used to the lack of privacy he had roaming these halls. His feet carried him first to his mother's old room, then to a cozy meeting room he enjoyed, and then somewhere he hadn't entered in a long time.

He pushed open the door to Azula's room and found it as barren as the day he'd ordered her things packed away. That was… two years ago. He had held out hope that she would get better after the comet and return to the palace, but the sad reality set in after two years of little change at the mental institute. Her clothes, trinkets, books, and numerous, possibly infinite, firebending scrolls were all boxed up and moved out of sight. Seeing the empty room, Zuko felt a little bad at having stripped his sister's personality from it.

The light from the hallway projected an elongated rectangle through the doorway towards the windows. Zuko walked inside to draw the curtains back and let the dim moonlight in. The ethereal white beams melted into the yellow light from the hall. He coughed lightly at the dust spilling from the curtains and rested one hand on the wall, leaning his forehead against the cool glass panes of the window overlooking the training compound below.

He closed his eyes. What am I supposed to do about her? I don't know. I don't know. I've never known. She's my sister and I don't know how to talk to or help her.

Zuko slammed his fist against the wall. With gritted teeth, he watched tears drip down his nose onto the windowsill of his little sister's bedroom and wished the sound of his name was still all it took to soothe her.

A/N: I'm not sure why, but this is my favorite chapter so far ^_^ I'm a sucker for these two siblings. Enjoy your weekends, everyone!