Disclaimers: As much as I may want to claim ownership of this famous series, I can't because both Harry Potter and Split belongs to a whole lot of different companies that I can't remember the names of at the moment. Any characters that appear in this fic that is not a part of the original series, belong to me so don't take them without asking first.

Word Count: 1,199

Marriage Law Rejection Letters
Letter #300
By: Sakura Lisel
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To the Ministry of Magic, Located in England, on the island of Great Britain:

You morons really take the cake. I bloody left your backwater society over four and a half years ago. I would think the fact that I have NEVER been back in all these years would have clued you in. I don't even live in the bloody U.K. anymore.

Yet you have absolute gall to send ME this summons for a marriage law, like you SERIOUSLY expect ME to come back and allow myself to be RAPED against my will to help create the next generation of witches and wizards? Hell no.

As far as I am concerned, I did my ONE and ONLY duty to you nutballs when I beat Voldemort for you. My duties to your society ended there. I refuse to let my life AND body be controlled by anyone else.

Besidea by the wording of your own law, I am disqualified from your law already since it specifically says that all SINGLE and AVAILABLE witches and wizards have to do take part. I haven't berm either onr in two years, and I have no intention of breaking up with my current husband to take part in a country I don't live in anymore.

By the way, I'm sure you've seen the mutilated conditions of the squad of aurors you sent after me. Lets just say they ended up in that condition because my darling didn't react well to the impending threat they posed to me once they announced exactly why they were there to take me into custody and 'escort' me back to England to be married off, after showing up barely five minutes after I recieved my letter.

Darling Kevin and his 'family' are very protective of me as you can see from the condition of the bodies we are sending back, so I suggest you drop this plan of yours or else your numbers will be going down a lot more as you send more people after me.

Insincerely yours,

Lania Clover Crumb nee Potter

P.s. Kevin and the others insisted on adding their own messages to this one so enjoy.

Yeah no, you can't have Lania back. I love her, and she's the only good thing thats come into my long life that my 'family' all agree upon. Shes basically the only thing keeping us half sane most of the time and my 'family' all love her and we won't give her up that easily. So if you think you can come here and take her without a fight you have another thing coming.

Kevin Wendell Crumb

My oh my, I almost didn't believe Lania dear when she told us how STUPID your society is. If you value your lives you will discontinue all attempts to take her from us or else you will face dire consequences of making us angry. You people should learn some manners on how to properly treat a lady, especially when she says NO to any UNWANTED 'requests' that are made of her.

I may be a lady but even I will be willing to do what it takes to defend those we all care about and will make your lives a living hell that will NEVER end. That is IF there are any survivors left alive once Damien gets through with you.

Ms. Patricia Crumb

You jerks LEAVE my big sister ALONE! She makes the best cookies and sweets and other foods that we all like, and she also tells great bedtime stories and is super nice and treats all of us way better than anyone else we've known.

She makes us happy and we won't let you... you... BIG MEAN DOODYHEADS take her from us without a fight. She even has a beautiful super cool snowy owl who has the same name as me! How totally sweet and cool is that?!

I'll let my big brother Damien kick all your butts like he did with the other people who showed up looking for big sis. Everybody including Kevin all agree to let Damien have full reign of rampage to get our points across.

Hedwig Crumb

(Underneath the message is a sloppily drawn unhappy face emoji sticking its tongue out at the reader, while a hand was next to it flipping off the reader)

Dang, you made even sweet little HEDWIG pissed enough to curse you out AND draw rude pictures, which he normally DOESN'T do mostly because of Patricia might do if she caught him though I don't think even she would mind what he did this time. Nice job jerks.

I fully agree with everything that Hedwig said. Lanias off limits to you losers.

Jade Crumb

As the Ministry official kept reading, they realized that including Lania Potters letter, there were over twenty-five letters in total, all from Lania Potter and her husbands family. Some of the letters the officials didn't take seriously at first, though they worried about the parts that mentioned a Damien Crumb.

Then they became panicked and fearful when they finally came upon the final letter that was written by Damien Crumb himself, especially once they realized the red 'ink' Damien had used to write his own letter with wasn't really 'ink' at all after a quick magical diagnostic scan on the letter.

INSIGNIFICANT WORMS! COME HERE TO TRY AND TAKE BACK LANIA POTTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! I WILL MAKE WHAT I DID TO YOUR LAST GROUP OF 'AURORS' LOOK LIKE A GENTLE SLAP TO THE FACE, AND YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND THEIR MUTILATED BODIES EVER AGAIN. AT LEAST NOT IN ONE PIECE! COME HERE AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I COULD ALWAYS DO WITH ANOTHER SNACK TO FEAST UPON.

SHE IS THE ONE WHO NAMED ME DAMIEN. SHE IS PERFECT FOR US IN ALL WAYS, AND SHE IS NEARLY AS 'BROKEN' AS WE ARE THANKS TO YOU PEOPLES PAST ACTIONS UPON HER, AND WE WILL NOT HAND HER OVER TO YOU TO BE SOME WEAKLINGS BRIDE AGAINST HER WILL NOW THAT WE HAVE FOUND HER. SHE IS OUR BRIDE AND WE DON'T SHARE.

PLUS DO NOT SEND ANY MORE ANIMAL-HUMAN HYBRIDS. THE PINK TOAD WOMAN WHO YOU SENT LAST TIME TASTED HORRIBLE.

Damien 'The Beast' Crumb

Author's Notes:
This latest Marriage Law Rejection Letter update was created by me in a fit of inspiration. lol Yes its's another rejection letter, that's also a crossover with the Split horror movie. If anyone else has any letters they want to submit, feel free to send them in. lol