You were never a King.
The words had been cruel, meant to tear her brother apart. Susan had not cared at the time whether she would have torn into his insecurities and his fears. All she wanted to do was hurt him, and she had succeeded.
Peter had stormed out of the house, weaving through the harsh snowstorm to get away. Get away from her. All left for her in their house was Lucy's confusion and Edmund's sad eyes. That was all that there seemed to be for her anymore. Confusion and sadness. They had never been able to accept her in this world, and well, Susan could reject them too. At least, she had tried to.
Only hours later did Peter returned home. He had apparently been caught in the blizzard that the storm had turned into. He did elicit a scream out of Lucy when he passed out in the foyer. After the initial panic settled and they had him conscious again, they were able to help shed his snow soaked clothes and bundle him in blankets and warm clothes.
Now, hours later, he was resting in his and Edmund's room. Lucy was trying to find medicine and ways to reduce the fever Peter was already developing. Edmund was getting anything to ease his pain.
Promptly, that left Susan to watch over him. Fiddling with the cloth resting on his forehead, she could not help the guilt that gnawed at her stomach. He had tried to get away from her after all.
All she thought she wanted was for them to leave her alone, but when they pried, she lashed out. They did not seem to understand. She wanted to be her own person here, not a shadow of the queen she was in Narnia.
A soft groan from Peter shook her out of her thoughts. He shifted in discomfort, whispering inaudible words at first, only to cough viciously.
"Water," he croaked out. He held a shaky hand out to her. Only when the violent cough subsided did she gently hand him the glass of water. The glass rattled against his shaking hand, but he managed to sip some water before he coughed more. Hastily placing the glass down, he finished his coughing fit before he moaned and laid back down. "Thank you," he whispered.
His weak voice made her feel worse. He had only gone into that storm to get away from her. That was all the two of them had been to each other lately: reasons to leave.
Once, they were partners against the world; now, the two of them just hardly could come together for anything. They were at each other's throats when it came to most things, especially about Narnia.
That was part of the problem of their argument earlier. She did not remember how it started exactly. She remembered the conversation was mostly Peter trying to talk to Edmund about feeling out of place with their parents because whenever any of the three of them had a problem, they only came to Peter, and their parents had nicely tried to get him out of the role of a parent.
But their parents could never understand the years they all spent together. How many times it was Peter who would comfort nightmares, have important talks, and protect them above all else? Susan understood that, for him, acting as a second parent was part of who he was to their siblings.
Susan respected that and understood it. She had tried to express that, or so she thought, but Peter did not want her support. Or maybe he did, but did not like that she insisted that he needed to move on to belong with their parents. It was not her fault that he would not accept it. She frowned, not quite sure the words exchanged. It had escalated quickly. Their conversation, well Edmund and Peter's conversation about their parents, had shifted to the same argument they had over and over again.
Peter wanted her to stop pretending that Narnia did not happen, and Susan just wanted to stop being beholden to their past as he was. All he wanted to do was be King again, to still be every bit of High King that he was in Narnia, and that was the worst part, he had succeeded.
Just as kind and brave as he was when he commanded thousands to when he ruled over none. Even here, where everyone treated him as less, he still remained every bit a High King in a place so dismal, and all she wanted him to do was stop. It was infuriating to see him embrace who he once was when she was so deterred from trying to resemble a faint memory anymore.
She was nothing of how she was before, and she wanted him to stop being it too. They were stuck in England. There was no point in trying to be Narnia's perfect ruler. They were never going back. She accepted that, and her siblings hated her for it.
She watched as Peter rolled over, hiding his face in his pillow, completely disregarding the cloth on his forehead. It was almost as if he thought if he just hid his face, he could hide how terribly sick he was.
Edmund came back in the room with Lucy close behind him. He held a cup of tea in his hand while she came in holding fresh soup.
"Pete, I have some tea for you," Edmund said. There was no response from him.
"Are we going to be able to get him to the doctor?" Susan asked as Edmund came to Peter's side, rubbing gently on his back to alert him that they were there. Peter muttered something into the pillow but did not move.
"No," Edmund replied. "The roads are still too covered in snow. How is he?"
Miserable was the correct answer. But she could not say that. Her actions led to this, and she could not admit that aloud.
"He has been worse," Susan found herself saying. Her response earned her a glare from Lucy.
"It does not matter if he has," Lucy said. She brushed past Susan, placing the bowl of soup on the nightstand. She placed her hand on the barely exposed skin on his face for only a few seconds. "He is burning up still."
"What do you recommend we do?" Edmund asked her. Susan could not help the irritation that flared up in her. He always did that: asked Peter or Lucy for advice every time before ever settling with asking her. Just because Lucy had been the second best healer in Narnia did not mean Susan was not versed with knowledge of how to aid a sick person, especially in England.
"We need to get his fever down," Lucy instructed. "If you could get him to have some tea or soup, that should help reduce the fever and his coughing." She placed her finger to her chin, tapping it slightly as she thought. "I will get more wash cloths for him and better blankets."
Lucy promptly left the room to do so, leaving Edmund and her with their ailing brother. Peter had remained silent for a while, well after Lucy had gone, leaving Susan to assume he was asleep. His breathing was slow but shaky. He even seemed to cough a bit less.
Yet every time he did, it left Edmund moving to soothe him, rubbing his back and saying words of comfort. Then once the coughing finished, Edmund would sit back in his chair with his arms crossed and look at Peter as if he felt his very pain.
That was the best and worst part about her brothers. They always felt each other's pain and triumphs as if they were their own. Only to herself could she admit that she envied their ability to remain that close. Lucy and she were once that close too. A long time ago now.
Much closer to the surface was she angry that Peter and Edmund held onto their relationship in England too. It was just another thing that made her hate being near them.
"You do not have to look at him like that," she said before she realized that she had spoken. He remained silent before his attention slowly left Peter and went to her. He raised his eyebrows in questioning. "Like he is dying and you are somehow to blame for it."
Edmund carefully studied her before saying, "And you do not have to look like you do not care either." In a quiet voice, he added, "It is okay to show that you care still."
What more did she have to prove? She was here. She had helped him when he needed her, like now. Edmund's words struck her the wrong way, and she could not stop the annoyance that flared in her voice when she spoke next.
"I am here, aren't I?" she defended.
He remained quiet before returning his attention back to Peter. Only after a brief silence did he ask, "Why did you have to be mean to him? He was already having a tough time."
"He should not be so sensitive about these things," Susan insisted. She watched Edmund's jaw tighten. "If he just accepted that we are not going back, he would not have such an issue with our parents."
"Just because we are in England does not erase everything that has happened in Narnia. You know how much he gave up for us, how much he took on so we would not have to. He has every right to feel odd with our parents," Edmund quietly defended Peter, as he always did. In every instance, he always took Peter's side. He questioned her though. "How would you feel if you were him, practically raised your siblings only for our parents to tell you that you do not need to do that anymore?"
You forget how much I have done too, Susan thought to herself. She was a part of their raising too. She did not do as much as Peter, she knew, but she had taken over the role of an almost mother for fifteen years too. When things got too hard for Peter or if he needed help, she was always there without a complaint. She understood. But she accepted that she was not who she was in Narnia, and when she disconnected herself from that past, she could do the same with the parental entitlements.
"I have not forgotten," She reminded him. "I just do not want to pretend with the three of you that we are still anything close to what we once were. We are just a couple of children from England." In a sadder voice, she continued, "He cannot force me to pretend either. He is not High King anymore."
Edmund narrowed his eyes at her, but she had stricken him silent for longer than she expected. For a moment, she had thought that she had finally gotten to him. Instead, when he spoke again, there was almost ice in his voice.
"Whether the two of you get along, he is still our High King, and that will never change," his voice harsher than she thought it would be.
He opened his mouth to speak more, but she interjected, "Everything changed when we were barred from there, Edmund." She crossed her arms. "You just cannot accept that you were abandoned here, and no one cares what happens to you."
She heard Edmund take an audible breath. She knew her words were harsh, probably crueler than she had intended. He just did not understand. How was she to get him to see the truth? If kind words did not get through, was the answer to be cruel about it? It seemed like the only way to get them to see her perspective.
He actually looked away from her, furrowing his eyebrows as if trying to hide his emotions. Had she really cut him that deeply?
Before he could form a rebuttal, Peter's hand sluggishly reached for Edmund's.
"Ed," he croaked, and Edmund took his hand. His angry gaze only remained on her for a few more seconds before his attention went to their brother.
"I am here, Pete." Edmund's voice was gentle, much gentler than it had been to Susan in a very long time. It was kindness she knew she had lost from him.
There was a cord struck in her, and she did not like how lonely it made her feel. It was not any words that Edmund had said that hurt her; it was witnessing how much he still cared for Peter, just as strongly as he did in Narnia. Susan and he had lost their relationship almost entirely. That realization made her feel hollow.
She hastily left the room, because with her two brothers, she was only reminded that she no longer had a place among them.
Author's Note: Thank you for taking the time to read this! This is a three part story, and I will post the remaining two chapters tomorrow night.
I would like to give a shoutout to my wonderful prompt giver for providing me with an excellent story idea and having such great patience for it to be written!
Thank you everyone!