Summary: Olivia comforts Amanda after the events of the 21x16. Contain spoilers, so be warned!
Word count: 2802
Rating: K sounds accurate right?
As always, apologies for the mistakes.
Family
"No matter how fast you run, you can't outrun your family." Amanda said as she walked out of the tombs with Olivia, feeling her Captain's hand on her back. She didn't know what she was feeling, didn't know exactly what was going through her head at that moment; her sister just went to prison once again, her father vanished from the hospital and her mother was coming up to take care of Mason. All of the outcomes she wanted to avoid, somehow ended up becoming true.
But at least she had Olivia. Olivia, who was by her side at every spare second of her day, comforting her, reassuring her that everything was going to be okay. Olivia, who understood that what she wanted at the moment was to work on her sister's case and not be ordered to stand aside, the woman who was there for whatever she needed. When she saw the brunette walk into the hospital, Amanda almost cried out from relief, and when she offered to take the kids, Amanda could kiss her right then and there. It was not like this was a burden to Olivia, they were practically living together at this point, but she was still grateful for her girlfriend's offer of relieving at least some of her concerns.
"Come, I'll take you home." Olivia whispered in her ear when they stepped outside and kissed her temple.
The ride to Amanda's place was quiet, the detective feeling numb after the events of the day and Olivia keeping her worries to herself. She knew that when Amanda was ready, she would talk. The blonde was grateful for the silence, even if she didn't want to wallow in her thoughts, but now was not the time to have this conversation.
When they got home, Olivia profusely thanked the woman who replaced Amanda's babysitter for a couple of hours, paid her and walked her out before turning around and assessing the situation in the apartment. Amanda already had Billie in her lap while she looked down, watching the kids as Noah taught some new game to Jessie and Mason. She seemed content at that moment, so Olivia let her be and went to change her clothes and start on the dinner preparations.
While she cooked, she looked back at the living room where the kids now persuaded Amanda to play with them, the detective now in sweatpants and a white tank top, a smile slowly forming on her lips for the way the blonde was so good around them, the way she changed from the tough cop to the playful woman who could be worse than the children sometimes. Olivia was glad that Amanda was having a distraction from her long day. She knew they would have to talk at some point, but it could wait a little bit more, she certainly wasn't about to ruin the only good time her girlfriend had today.
Feeling a pair of eyes on her, Amanda looked up from her playtime with the kids to find Olivia's brown orbs staring back at her and she gave her girlfriend a reassuring smile, telling her silently that she was okay, at least for now. The blonde knew her Captain was worried about her, and honestly, that made her love for Olivia grow even more, but she didn't want to worry Liv, didn't want her to think that things were going to change even though, deep down, she knew they just might.
The truth was, Amanda was scared. She had fled from Georgia on the first opportunity she had to get away from her demons, from her past, and now everything was coming back to haunt her. But, she was determined to make things different this time, she had two beautiful daughters, a son and an amazing girlfriend, and she knew for a fact that Olivia would do her best to protect her from everything, even from herself. So, as she looked into Olivia's loving brown eyes, she convinced herself that as long as she has this, her little family, she would be okay.
After dinner, they let the kids play a bit more while they washed the dishes and as soon as the first yawn was spotted, they went straight to bed. Of course, after finding a place for Mason to sleep in Noah's so called room, they all wanted to have a slumber party. When they finally managed to quiet everyone down, the kids slowly drifting out to sleep after the excitement of the day, they were acutely aware of the fact that they would have to talk soon was looming over their heads.
"I need to use the bathroom, I'll be out in a second." Olivia told Amanda as they closed the door to the kid's room, kissing the blonde's forehead and feeling her girlfriend nod.
When Olivia came out a few minutes later, Amanda was sitting on the couch, her elbows on her knees while she rested her head in her hands and stared at the coffee table in the middle of the living room. On the coffee table, Liv noticed, were an open beer bottle and Amanda's chip from gamblers anonymous. Olivia visibly froze for a moment on her way to the couch and Amanda caught the movement from the corner of her eyes.
"Don't worry," Amanda whisper without looking up from her chip. "I'm not planning on fucking everything up once again. I just… I just needed a reminder of how far I've come."
"I know. I know, baby." And Olivia really knew, but she couldn't help the images from their past that flashed on her mind, how they tried to be together once before but life got in the way.
As Olivia approached the sitting woman, ready to sit by her side and provide some comfort, the blonde stood up abruptly and started to pace around the room. Olivia was aware of what her girlfriend was doing and it broke her heart to see Amanda distancing herself from her. They've come a long way, but old habits were sometimes hard to get rid of. And the blonde knew she would always have a safe place in Olivia, but the fear of letting her insecurities be known was getting to her. And maybe, just maybe, if she didn't say anything out loud, she could pretend that it never happened.
"Amanda, talk to me, honey." Liv said gently, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice because she knew Amanda pushing her away was just a defense mechanism.
The Captain kept starting at her girlfriend, waiting for her to say something, waiting for the thoughts in her head to come out or just for Amanda to scream her frustrations, but nothing happened, she remained quiet. When the silence became too much for Olivia, she tried again:
"Amanda-"
"What do you want me to say, Liv?" Amanda interrupted in an exasperated tone. She knew what Olivia wanted, but she just wanted a couple more seconds of pretending that the world outside didn't exist.
"I want you to talk to me, tell me how you're feeling so I can help you." Olivia's tone of voice remained gentle.
"How am I feeling? Do you want to know how am I feeling? Well, let's see: my sister, who I haven't seen in two years, suddenly came back into my life and oh, she has a son now that she didn't tell me about. My father, who I haven't seen in god knows how long, also came back into my life, wanting to meet his grandchildren and swearing to me that he's clean just to have an overdose and disappear from my life once again. And my mom, do you remember her?" She asked rhetorically because they both remembered the last time Beth Ann was in town, how Amanda collapsed in the courthouse and Olivia spend the night keeping an eye on her, wanting to hunt the woman who had caused Amanda's trip to the hospital. "She's coming back." Her agitated tone was now full of dread. "So do you wanna know how I'm feeling, Liv? I don't even know."
"Honey…" Olivia stood from the couch, stepping once again towards the blonde to drag her into her arms, but the blonde took a step back. She didn't want to be vulnerable, goddammit, she didn't want to cry over this, she was supposed to be over this whole issue already.
"Amanda, please, let me help you. You're always making sure that I'm okay, please let me do the same for you now, honey." Olivia said, concern dripping from her voice as she watched Amanda try to hold in the tears that were threatening to fall.
"I don't… I don't know if I can do this, Liv." Amanda choked out, looking everywhere but her girlfriend's face, one look at concerned brown eyes and she knew the tears she was trying so hard to keep at bay, would fall. "I don't know if I can deal with all of this again."
"Hey, look at me." She took a step closer to Amanda and, this time, the detective didn't back out, so she took that as a good sign and continued.
"Liv…" Amanda shook her head and Olivia could see a tear dropping down Amanda's cheek.
"Look at me, honey." Olivia said gently and the blonde closed her eyes tightly, willing the tears to stay in place but knowing it was already a lost battle.
"I can't do this, Liv." She managed to whisper before she was being wrapped in her Captain's arms while she cried everything she didn't allow herself to cry throughout this damn day. Allowing herself to feel everything she was holding back now that she was in the safety of Olivia's arms.
"That's it, honey, it's okay. I'm here." Olivia wrapped her arms tighter around Amanda's waist when her knees threatened to give out and guided her girlfriend to the couch, sitting down and bringing the blonde with her. She positioned the detective on her lap and tucked her head on her shoulder, letting her cry everything out and running her fingers through blonde silky locks. "Take all the time you need, I'll be right here."
Now that the tears were running free, Amanda couldn't stop and she was almost mad at Olivia for knowing exactly what she needed. When she felt a kiss being pressed to her forehead, she clutched to her girlfriend's blouse and cried harder, knowing that all of her resolves had been broken as thoughts of the day she had buried deep down came flooding back to her.
"She saw it, Liv. She saw everything."
"Who saw what? What are you talking about, sweetie?"
"Jessie." Amanda confessed in a whisper. She had seen Olivia at the hospital earlier when her dad was admitted and she had told her girlfriend what happened, but she left that little part out, she couldn't bear the thought of her sweet girl witnessing such a scene. "She saw daddy having an OD. We walked into the apartment at that exact moment and she saw everything."
"She'll be okay, we'll do everything that we can to make sure of that."
"I know we will, but… I ran away from that place for a reason. I ran away because I was done with everything, I wanted a fresh start, I wanted to be a new person. I wanted to live my life away from them, I wanted to have a family away from them, away from their problems, and now… All I wanted was for them to be happy, Liv." Amanda cried again, remembering all of her childhood memories. "I didn't want them to grow up like I did, I don't want them to have to go through what I went through. I tried, I tried so hard to shield them from this, but she saw, Liv."
"Shh, it's okay." Olivia soothed, still running her hands through Amanda's hair. "We are not your parents, do you hear me? We are not them. We love those children more than anything in the world, right?" She didn't need an answer, she already knew that it was true, but she felt Amanda nod against her shoulder and she was happy that her girlfriend was paying attention. "I know we are going to do whatever we can to protect them. We are going to give them the best childhood we possibly can, baby. We both went through too much and we both understand the importance of giving them a good, loving home. We're all going to be okay." The brunette closed her eyes and rested her head on top of Amanda's own, just taking in the woman cuddled in her arms and letting her words sink in. "And I don't think you need to be another person, me and the kids love you just the way you are." She finished and kissed blonde locks.
"I love you too, Olivia. And them. Thank you for putting up with me." She tried to joke and gave Olivia a weak smirk, her girlfriend tossing her a genuine smile back.
"Are you ready to go to bed?" Olivia asked after they stayed in silence for a few more moments and she felt Amanda nod once again.
As the blonde was getting ready to get up from Olivia's lap and walk into their bedroom, she felt the brunette wrap one of her arms under her bent knees and pick her up while her other arm was wrapped securely around her back.
"Liv!" Amanda shrieked and wrapped both of her arms around her girlfriend's neck, holding tightly. "What are you doing?!"
"I still have it, babe." Olivia winked at her and she couldn't help the laugh that escaped her throat, Olivia smiling happily for having accomplished such a thing and beginning to walk towards their bedroom, leaving the chip and the beer bottle behind.
"Wait, stop." Amanda asked when they walked past the kid's bedroom. When Olivia did was she was told, the blonde tried to reach for the doorknob while trying to keep her balance in her girlfriend's arms.
"Babe, I'm more than happy to carry you to bed, but I'm gonna have to put you down if you want to stop, I'm not as young as I used to be." Olivia said while putting Amanda on the floor gently, the blonde muttering something very similar to 'shut up' under her breath before she opened the door.
As the blonde stood there on the door frame, her girlfriend came up behind her, wrapping both of her arms around her waist and leaning down to rest her head on the blonde's shoulder as they watched the children sleep peacefully.
"You did good." Olivia whispered in her ear, kissing the spot right behind it.
"We did good, Liv." Amanda emphasized the 'we ' and turned her head around, placing a soft kiss on Olivia's lips.
When they were content that the children were safe and sound asleep, they continued the path to their own bedroom. After they got ready for bed, they met once again, Olivia laying down first while Amanda cuddled into her side, resting her head on her girlfriend's shoulders and inhaling Liv's soothing scent. She was always grateful for having Olivia in her life, not knowing exactly how she got that lucky, and in days like this one, all she wanted to do was forget the world and lay right there in her arms, with the full knowledge that Olivia was her safe haven.
"Hey." Amanda whispered quietly.
"Hm…" Liv answered absentmindedly, her hand back to the task of caressing her girlfriend's hair.
"I don't know what I would do without you." She said sincerely.
"I believe you would still be the amazing woman, amazing detective and the amazing mother that you are, my love. You are strong and stubborn, I have all the faith in the world that you would have survived anything life threw your way, without me."
"Perhaps, but I'm glad that I don't have to find out for myself."
"No, you don't, I'm here with you. And I'll be by your side every step of the way. For better or worse."
"Are we getting married already, Benson?" Amanda joked, turning her head to kiss Olivia's neck.
"Ha, you wish, Rollins." Liv tilted her head to give the blonde more room to work with. "Not now, anyway."
Amanda suddenly stopped what she was doing and looked up, a huge smile appearing on her face after her brain registered Olivia's words and the meaning of them.
"God, I love you." The blonde said and kissed Olivia soundly.
"I love you too." The Captain smiled at her and Amanda couldn't resist the urge to kiss her once again, content in the knowledge that she and Olivia were doing a good job.