Chapter 8: Trust No One

After getting a good night's rest in the town they claimed in the name of Caelin, Lyn and her cohorts stole as much gold as they could carry, before setting off for their destination once again.

"This is nothing, compared to what we'll soon have!" said Lyn, with glee. "What are you going to do with yours?" she asked Reinhardt.

"I'm going to find someone who can cure my amnesia. So I can remember who that Leif person I vaguely recall was. Then go and kick his ass."

"What about you Batta?"

"A long way from here, there's a land called Valentia", he said. "That's where I was from, originally. But a wicked tyrant named Alm took over our lands, and banned axes. They treated us like animals, so that's what I became, a beast. We rallied under a heroic boss, and fought against him for many years, but eventually, we were defeated at the Thieves' Shrine. I fled Valentia, swearing to find a new land, raise an army, and then return home one day to free my axe bros from the tyranny. That's what I've been doing over here. Getting all the brigands together, slowly rising to power, so that one day, we can get back to Valentia, and set my people free. With the inheritance from the king of Caelin, I'll finally have enough money to set my brothers free."

"Wow, that's... not what I expected", Lyn said. "I thought you were just going to build a concentration camp to put all the bronies in, or some dumb shit."

"Oh, that won't be necessary", Batta explained. "I'm just going to close all the McDonald's for a few weeks, and starve them out."

"How do you intend to get the authority to do something like that?" Rein questioned.

"In Valentia, I mean", Batta said quickly. "I'm going back to stay, once this is all done."

They carried on their way for some time, getting to know one another a little better, until the first signs of dusk showed. "There's a fort not much further up the road", Batta told them. "It belongs to a friend of mine. We'll stay there for the night. Get a nice hot meal, so we're rested for tomorrow."

"Very well", Reinhardt agreed, though with a hint of hesitation in his voice. A tense atmosphere hung over the group, until the fort came into view over the horizon. Batta went on ahead to arrange the stay with his friend, while Rein went to speak to Lyn in private. "I don't trust him. Leading us into a fort, probably full of his brigands, it feels like a trap. Keep an arrow in your hand at all times, and have Mulagir ready. We might have to fight our way out of here."

"Yeah, I don't trust him either", Lyn agreed. "Earlier, he told me that his headband was handmade from the finest silk, but I totally saw that thing at Walmart for $5 the other day. The guy's story is full of holes."

Before long, Batta came back, and showed them inside. A rough looking man with grey hair and a large chin greeted him. Alongside him was a large man with ginger hair, though he appeared to have a soul, unlike the NPC from earlier, and a young woman whose leg appeared to be injured.

"This is Carjiga", he said, gesturing to the grey haired man who seemed to be the leader. "He's the head of the Szechuan sauce smuggling branch of my brigand organisation."

Carjiga grunted and nodded. "It's a rough business. Got many a scar, from prying packets of the stuff out of the hands of high IQ manbabies. But it puts mutton on the table. Sweet, delicious mutton..."

"I'm sure Carjiga will have plenty of stories to tell about his exploits, over dinner", Batta said. "This is Dorcas, his right hand man", he said, gesturing to the large man. "And his wife, Natalie. She'll be cooking the mutton they so love for us, tonight."

"Alright..." Reinhardt said, taken aback by the atmosphere of the place. They're just trying to disarm us, with all this small talk and friendliness, I'm sure of it. But I did expect to see more of his brigands here... What could they be planning?

Natalie went into the kitchen, in order to finish cooking the mutton. Everyone else had gone off to do their own things, at this point, and since the fort was big, they could not see each other.

"Sh-She didn't believe me about my headband at all..." Batta said to himself, with an insecure look. "She nodded, all fake smiles and everything, but in her eyes, I could only see one word: 'Walmart'! They told me that no one would ever find out... that I, Batta the Beast get all my clothes from Walmart! But she knows my secret... What should I do?"

At the same time, Reinhardt was having similar issues. "I'm supposed to be the main character of this story, aren't I? But when it comes to battle, Lyn always gets the spotlight, because of this stupid amnesia. I'm sure if I could just remember who I really was, I'd be a great fighter too. But as things are, I can't do anything. There has to be something useful I can do here... But what?"

"Ugh, this is so tough..." Lyn groaned, as she stared intently at a book. From the outside, the words "Reading 4 Dummies" could be seen upside down, on the cover. "Why did my parents make me take all those lessons on how to jerk off horses, instead of reading lessons? I'm sure in the real world, reading is a more practical skill than giving horses handjobs..."

While our protagonists were going through their personal troubles, Natalie set an elegant table for them to have their meal at. Delicious plates of mutton were set out for everyone. Embroidered napkins with each of their names on them had been set out by the plates, along with fine china and silverware. Due to her injured leg, it took Natalie about 10 minutes to make her way around the fort, and call everyone to the table. Soon, they had each taken their seats, and were tucking into their mutton.

"My portion is a little on the small side", Batta groaned. "This does not seem fit for a great bandit like myself, who only shops at really expensive clothes stores, and only wears designer headbands."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Natalie apologised. "I thought I had set aside the biggest piece for you, but I guess there must have been a mixup."

"Don't worry about it", Batta assured her. "Carjiga tells me your husband has been a hardworking member of his of his smuggling ring for a long time. I couldn't hold anything against his wife."

"Taking Szechuan sauce from the hands of manbabies is as easy as taking candy from a..." Dorcas began. "From a... Fr-From..." His head hit the table with a loud thud.

"Dorcas, are you okay!?" Natalie screamed as she hobbled over to his side.

Everyone immediately stood up, vicious glares shooting across the table, as they drew their weapons.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Reinhardt demanded to know. "You tampered with our food, didn't you?!"

"Me?!" Batta yelled. "Why would I poison my own man?! Just because I'm the bad guy to you? You two assholes aren't exactly saints yourselves! Clearly this is your betrayal!"

"Yeah, it kind of doesn't make sense that he would poison his own man", Lyn admitted.

"That's because I snuck in here, before the meal, and switched our plates with theirs!" Reinhardt revealed. "You've fallen into your own trap, Batta!"

"I told you, I'm not responsible for this!" Batta defied. "Tell him, Carjiga!...Carjiga?"

To his horror, he noticed that the grey haired brigand had collapsed too, a stream of blood running across the table, from his lip.

"Hah, two of them dead!" Reinhardt interjected. "Just like the two plates I moved around! This proves that you are the one who poisoned the mutton, Batta!"

"N-Now wait just a minute!" the brigand protested. He ran over to Dorcas's side, and checked his pulse, then did the same for Carjiga. "Carjiga's dead, there's blood running from his mouth. But Dorcas just seems to be out cold. That means it was probably two different people who poisoned them! So you're wrong!"

"...You came to that conclusion fast", Rein told him. "Almost like you knew something about this..."

"O-Okay, fine!" Batta confessed. "I drugged Lyn's mutton! My plan was to knock her out, since she's the only one who can fight, then take her prisoner, and use her as a hostage to get the entire inheritance, not just my cut. But this wasn't me!" He pointed to the dead Carjiga. "I could never stoop so low as to poison mutton! Drug, sure, but poison!? That is a level of low I will not sink to! I accuse you, Mr. Tactician of poisoning the mutton! Probably because you knew that you would be no good in an actual fight, and wanted to try and do something productive, right?!"

Reinhardt stuttered at this accusation, but he was not ready to give up. "N-Not only is your assessment of my battle prowess entirely incorrect, but you are also wrong about me being the poisoner. Though I will confess one thing. I switched Lyn and I's plates with yours and Carjiga's, not Carjiga's and Dorcas'. So the fact that Dorcas ended up eating the drugged mutton, and not you. That much is odd."

"Then someone else in here tampered with the mutton..." Batta realised. He looked around the table to Lyn, then to Natalie, then to the unconscious Dorcas, and the dead Carjiga. "Someone at this table cannot be trusted... And it's you!" He pointed his finger at Lyn, which made her jump. Something fell out from between her tits, and smashed against the ground.

"That was the poison, wasn't it?!" Batta accused.

"Uhhhh... maybe?" Lyn said coyly.

"I knew it! You two are the real bastards, not me! I was just going to drug you, you actually wanted to kill me!"

"That doesn't make any sense", Reinhardt interrupted. "I switched Carjiga's plate with mine, so if Lyn tried to poison him, I would have ended up eating the poisoned mutton, not him!"

"Uh, about that..." Lyn said, with a nervous grin. "When I came in here to poison the mutton, I couldn't read any of the names on the napkins. I was sure the letters "R-E-I-N" made a "Bat" sound, but I guess not, huh?"

"Oh are you fucking kidding me..." he sighed, walking towards Lyn, facepalming. "You almost killed me dammit... wait!"

He looked down at the broken bottle of poison. Although the glass had smashed, the label was still legible. "This is the poison, right?" he asked Lyn, receiving a nod in response. "...Lyn, this is fucking ketchup..."

"Wait, really?" she said, with a childlike smile. "Then, I guess I'm innocent, and didn't do anything then, huh?"

"This is some kind of sick joke, the Sacaen education system, these days", Batta sighed. "Although I don't trust you for a second, I am willing to believe that you are too stupid to poison me competently, so I guess you're cleared", he told Lyn. "That just leaves your tactician friend, and... Natalie!"

Natalie recoiled in horror, as Batta accused her.

"Of course, now it all makes sense! You were the one who spent the most time with our food, so of course you had time to not only poison it, but also hide the evidence! It was you! You did it! You did it!"

Natalie looked like she was about to have a heart attack, and this trauma was enough to awaken Dorcas from his drug-induced coma. "Enough of this!" he yelled at Batta. "You talk to my wife like that again, and I'll break your neck!" The two men glared at one another, until Reinhardt got up, and started inspecting the plates.

"Dorcas..." Reinhardt told him. "Your mutton is the one with the ketchup on it. That means you ended up with the mutton that Lyn tried to poison. After she 'poisoned' it, it was switched with Carjiga's. Which means someone switched your mutton, and Carjiga's mutton. The poisoned mutton started on your plate, Dorcas! The drugged mutton was meant for Lyn, and then was switched to Carjiga's plate, and then to yours."

Everyone recoiled at shock, at this revelation. "But why would anyone want to poison Dorcas?" they all asked.

"I could never do it, of course", Natalie said. "Me and Dorcas, we mean the world to each other." Dorcas nodded at this.

"And I'm innocent, because... well, you know why", Lyn said, with an embarrassed smile.

"Of all the people I could poison at this table, why would it be him?" Reinhardt pointed out. "He wasn't in charge, I didn't know the guy, if I was going to poison someone, it just wouldn't make sense to pick him. And let's think about things. Not only did someone poison Dorcas's mutton, but then someone also moved it around afterwards. Why would anyone want Carjiga to have Dorcas's mutton, if they didn't poison it themselves?"

Natalie looked at the plates, and realised something. "Carjiga took the poisoned mutton himself. You see. The mutton on Carjiga's plate is the prime cut. He and Dorcas were good friends, but when it came to food, Carjiga was a real bastard. I'm sure he snuck in, and took the prime cut for himself."

"I knew something was suspicious with my food!" Batta spoke up. "You didn't give me the prime cut, you gave it to your husband! That's why I have this tiny little runt piece of mutton! I'm the head of this crime organisation, I'm the fucking boss, and that means I always get the prime cut! Me! Nobody else!"

"Now isn't the time to be arguing over something so petty!" Dorcas interrupted. "This is not important. What's important is who poisoned the mutton!"

"Not important, you say?" Rein interrupted. "No, I think it's very important. In fact I think it's the key to solving this whole case!"

Everyone gasped in shock, as they listened to what Reinhardt had to say. "Batta is in fact correct. He is the boss of this organisation, and the boss gets the prime cut. It says so right here, in the Batta Brigand Organisation Employee Handbook. Natalie apologised earlier, when Batta expressed his dissatisfaction with the size of his portion, which means she was well aware of this. Natalie put so much effort into this meal, with the embroiderer napkins and the delicious food. She is the perfect homemaker. So there's no way she would get something like that wrong, right?"

"Th-That's right!" Natalie remembered. "I definitely gave Batta the prime cut! Which means the poison was meant for Batta, not for Dorcas!"

"Then who poisoned my mutton, and who put it on Dorcas's plate?!" Batta demanded.

"That's simple", Reinhardt said, with a confident smile. "Why it was Dorcas himself!" Dorcas recoiled at this, sweat running down his brow. "No one else has a motive. Who else but Dorcas would want the prime cut moved from Batta's plate, to Dorcas's? Dorcas would. You've seen how protective he is of his wife. He probably can't stand the idea of another man taking her best cooking from him. Isn't that right?"

"O-Okay, you got me..." Dorcas admitted. "I took Batta's mutton. But why on Earth would I poison mutton I was intending to eat?"

"Someone else poisoned it, then..." Batta said.

"No, I don't think they did", Reinhardt interrupted. "I think Dorcas decided that he was going to eat that mutton, and no one else. He knew how much Batta and Carjiga craved the mutton, and didn't trust them not to sneak in, and take it from his plate. So he left a ticking time bomb for them. Take the mutton... and it's the last piece of mutton they ever eat... And Carjiga rose to that trap."

Dorcas gasped, sweat now pouring down his brow. "Uh... I..."

"He's right, isn't he?!" Batta yelled. "You not only betrayed my organisation by going against the rules in the employee handbook, you even murdered one of your co-workers! Dorcas... You're fired! I want your office cleared out by tonight!"

"Grr, fine", Dorcas ceded. "Hey wait." He turned to Rein and Lyn. "You two hate this douchebag too, right? Why don't we just team up on him, and kill him? Then the bastard can never hog the prime cut again."

"Well, he did try to drug me", Lyn shrugged.

"You tried to poison me!" Batta protested.

"I think that seems like the outcome that is best for everyone here", Rein agreed. "Well, except for Batta."

Dorcas drew his axe, while Lyn readied her bow. Batta got his axe too, but realising he was outnumbered, he reassessed the situation, and backed away. "I'll get you fucking faggots for this!" he cursed, before running out of the fort.