Chapter 10: Lundgren

After escaping from Batta, Lyn and Rein rode off, until they neared a large city in the distance. The sun was beginning to set, and they were tired from laughing too hard at Erk getting his head literally beaten in by their arch-enemy, and decided now would be a good time to take a rest.

"So, where is this?" Reinhardt asked, as they rode up to the city gate.

"This is Araphen", Lyn explained. "They're supposed to be Caelin's greatest ally."

"Oy vey!" Dorcas joked.

"Does he have a big nose?" Rein added.

"The biggest!" Lyn answered. "Anyway, since they're our greatest ally, I'm sure they will have no reservations about giving us all five star hotel rooms, after I tell them that I'm the princess of Caelin." She rode over to a guardsman, who had taken notice of them. "You! Lowly peasant scum! I am Lyndis, Princess of Caelin, your greatest ally! Give us all fancy hotel rooms immediately, or I will write a bad review of your city on Yelp!"

"Uh, I didn't hear anything about Caelin having a princess", the guard said to his partner.

"Then clearly you have terminal autism!" Lyn chided. "Go and get me your manager immediately, or I'll pretend you raped me, and get you cancelled!"

"Oh yeah, now I remember", the other guard said. "Those two knights, Sir Ginger and Sir Incel came through here, looking for the Princess of Caelin, a few weeks ago. They said that the King of Caelin put her up for adoption, after the doctors told him she had been born with a negative IQ. But then he learned she might still be alive, and wanted to meet her again."

"Probably just to laugh at her", the former added. "After all, it was bronies she got adopted by, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, haha. He probably just wanted to tell her that he would never accept a horsefucking faggot back into his family, or something."

"Wh-What...?" Lyn gasped, unable to comprehend what she had heard.

Reinhardt struggled to keep his cool, as he heard what the guards had to say. "Dorcas... I'll buy you the best mutton in the city, if you kill these two assholes in the most painful way possible."

"Alright, now we're talking!" Dorcas cheered, as he took out his Hand Axe. "If I aim it at just this angle it should... yeah, perfect!" He threw his Hand Axe, in a way that it boomeranged back and forwards between the two guards, slicing their bodies repeatedly, until it carved the words "I love gay porn and black willies" into their chests. He then broke their legs, and left them to bleed out through the messages carved into them.

"Thanks", Rein said, smiling at the mutton-obsessed axeman. "Are you ok, Lyn?"

"All this time, I thought I just hated everyone, because I was a sociopath or something", Lyn said. "But now I know the truth... It's because they never even gave me a chance, to begin with. This is great! Now I can do whatever the fuck I want, and be immune to karma! I can't believe something this great is happening to me! This is perfect! Let's go burn down an orphanage or something, to celebrate!"

"Uhhh... I don't know if it works that way", Rein said. "But as long as you are ok, and we can still do whatever we want, I'm good!"

Meanwhile, a man from Caelin was visiting the Marquess of Araphen. "Marquess, it is good to see you unharmed!" he greeted, with a sigh of relief.

"Oh really, goy, and why is that?" the Marquess asked, moaning sexually, as he rubbed money on his nipples.

"My brother, the King of Caelin brings dire news. We have learned that as of recently, an illegitimate, bastard daughter of his has been using the name of Caelin in vain, conquering cities under our supposed authority, all while planning to arrive at Caelin, and kill my poor brother himself! I come, not just to warn you of the danger to your own life, but to beseech you to come to my brother's aid! As our greatest ally, surely you can spare some forces to help us hunt this evil pretender, before she commits any more atrocities!"

"Oh... I don't if I could do something like that..." Marquess Araphen replied, poorly feigning sympathy. "Did Caelin pay us $100,000,000 this week, in order to celebrate Annual Goldbergstein Day?"

"I... don't think so?" Lundgren replied.

"Oh no, that sounds antisemitic, goy!" the Marquess gasped, before polishing his nose with a $600 note. "I'm sorry, I can't spare any soldiers for antisemites! You're going to have to go home empty handed, I'm afraid."

"B-But my brother!" Lundgren pleaded. "He could be in great danger!"

Just then, a messenger stormed in, in order to warn them that Lyn was already in the city. "Marquess Araphen, the brony princess just came into our city, and killed two of the guards!"

"Yeah, so?" the Marquess said disinterestedly.

"She also took their wallets."

"She did what?! Deploy the Araphen army immediately! Spare no manpower! Lock down the city! Do whatever it takes to have her found, and make sure those wallets make their way right back to me, understood?!"

Before long, they were confronted by another green haired, horse-mounted nomadic archer. But he looked like a giant fag.

"Hey, nice bow!" Lyn jeered. "I love how green it is!"

"Sh-Shut up!" the cuck stuttered. "We don't all get to be fucking shallow waifus, that horny 5 year olds votebotted into having a broken alt!"

"Hey, on his bandana..." Reinhardt said, as he looked closer. "Isn't that... Oh god, it is! It's a My Little Pony bandana!"

"S-So what!" the cuck muttered. "All true Sacaens are bronies! Except that stupid whore over there, apparently!"

"Aww, are you mad that I got a real bow, while you and your literally who daughter got that fucking green shit!" Lyn mocked. "What are you even doing here, anyway?"

"Marquess Araphen sent me to retrieve the wallets you stole!"

"You're Sacaen?" Rein asked. "Why are you working for a, uh, merchant?"

"He pays me in Rainbow Dash body pillows, for every invader I put down!" the manchild answered proudly. "I am so dedicated to my role, he made me the captain of the Araphen army! Now prepare yourself, I'll show you what a real horse archer can do!"

While they were fighting, a brigand was coming to bring word of what was going on to Batta.

"All right, looking good!" Batta said, with a smile, as he took out a new shirt from a Wal-Mart carrier bag, admiring it in the mirror. "This is a shirt that really says 'main antagonist'! I'm going to wear this to my final battle with Lyn, for sure, and I'm going to look so damn great!"

"Mr. The Beast, sir!" called out the brigand, as he came running into the hideout. "I have urgent news!"

"Oh no!" Batta panicked, as he noticed the Wal-Mart bag lying beside him. "Quick, where can I hide it?! Oh no, there's nowhere! I'm... I'm gonna have to eat it!"

Letting out a fierce brigand screech, he opened his mouth wide, and downed the plastic bag in a matter of seconds, his bestial teeth tearing through it, before the messenger arrived. "Hey, what's going on?" Batta said, in the most collected voice he could manage to talk in. "I'm just trying on this new shirt that I didn't buy at Wal-Mart! What's going on with you?"

"I have news for you, sir", the brigand reported. "Lyn is getting closer to Caelin, and now Lundgren is hunting her too!"

"Lundgren? Who's that?"

"Oh, he's going to be taking over as the main antagonist of the story now, sir. So I guess we can just take a break now, and see how things play out. All the other named brigands, besides you are dead anyway, so it's not like we had much left to do."

"What?!" Batta snarled. "Replace ME, as the main antagonist, after all the work I put in, after I even bought a new shirt for the occasion?! This Lundgren faggot thinks he can just waltz in and steal the show?! No way! I'm going to put a stop to this immediately!"

"What are you going to do?"

"...I'll show you."

The brigand stood back, in a combination of fear and awe, as Batta took out an Ocean Seal, combining its mystic power with his own, already formidable might.

"Batta the Beast is no more", said the changed man, his voice more serious and focused now. "Enter... Batta the Berserker!"

Meanwhile, back in Araphen, things were playing out pretty much exactly as expected. Lyn had already shot the cuck archer in the balls like five times, while Dorcas made quick work of the rest of the Araphen soldiers, under Reinhardt's expert guidance. They made their way into the Marquess's solid gold palace, but by the time they found him, he had already been taken away by the FBI for child trafficking or something.