In Life There Are Wayners and Luthors
Summary:
The epic battle between East Coast dynasties that never was: Lex Luthor loses big to Bruce Wayne, who doesn't appear to know he's even in the game. Clark Kent reports.
Notes:
I'm hoping this fic can be read as a standalone, but just in case, here are the previous fics in this series:
1. Bridesmaids, Beyoncé, and Bruce Wayne
2. Breaking News: Billionaire's Kidnapping Bungled
Chapter 1
"Kent!" Perry White bellows at a volume that would have Clark sitting up and whimpering even if he weren't secretly a superhero capable of hearing the proverbial butterfly's wingbeat halfway across the globe.
"I'm here, Chief!" he calls out snappily.
"Don't call me chief, Kent, and I need you to get going!"
"Where to, Chief?"
"Kent, what did I just tell you? Don't call me chief! Haul your ass over to Galaxy Communications. I need you there yesterday!"
Adjusting his glasses, Clark frowns at his boss. "You mean WayneCom? If you'll remember, Wayne Enterprises bought out Galaxy Communications after the previous owner was found to be in collusion with—"
"Yeah, yeah, tell it to your mother, or someone else who cares, Kent. Just get there. Luthor's agreed to let the press in on his big meetup with Wayne, and he got Wayne to agree to it! You're our Wayne guy, and unlike Lane here, Luthor doesn't have a restraining order out against you, so get going!"
"Sure thing, Chief!" Clark has already hopped up, managing to knock a mug full of pens and pencils over in the process. He scrambles to set his desk to rights and gather his things.
"Don't call me Chief! And I expect an article in my inbox before you clock out, Kent, or you'll be covering the neighborhood watch beat for a month!"
"I'll have it for you lickety-split!"
"Are you shitting me, Kent? Lickety-split? Great Caesar's ghost! Reporters these days!"
"Ah, to be fair, 'great Caesar's ghost' is no more contemporary an expression than—"
"Shut up, Kent! Didn't I say to get going? And bring that video camera doohickey! You know we need video content for the website, and Brucie news is always better with video footage, God love him."
"Sure thing, Chief!"
"Don't call me Chief!"
One table over, Lois rolls her eyes at Clark's fumbling as he manages to break two pencils, drop his notebook, and just narrowly miss sending his video recorder skidding into a trash bin.
"Wayne and Luthor? No wonder you're a hot mess. Still, better you than me, Smallville."
Clark pushes his glasses up his nose. "Ah, well, Wayne's not that bad, even if Luthor is."
The lavender clad reporter makes a sound that's equal parts delicateness and derision. Some would call it a snort. "Wayne's got the self-sufficiency of an infant and the intellectual capacity of one. And Luthor might be bald as a baby, but the man's mother must have mated with a shark."
"There's no need to be so harsh, Lois."
"Smallville, I swear you're even nicer than Superman. All I'm saying is that neither of them are exactly Justice League material, now are they? Anyway, don't let me keep you. You've got a couple of billionaires to shadow!"
"All right, see you later, Lois!" Clark puts on a show of rushing to catch the elevator. In reality, he makes sure to move slowly enough that he just barely manages not to miss it. As the doors close in front of him, he smiles goofily, remembering how he'd woken up this morning.
He smiled into the sunlight that striped across his face as Alfred pulled the curtains back. He'd long ago given up on keeping the butler out of his and Bruce's bedroom. "G'morning, Alfred."
"Good morning, Master Kent. I trust I can rely on your assistance with getting Master Bruce out of bed in a timely manner." That was butler code for "no time for sexytime today," Clark knew from previous experience.
"Bats are nocturnal, Alfred!" Bruce groaned, burrowing into the pillows. The movement slid the blanket down, and Clark smiled, seeing his boyfriend was once more wearing one of the set of boxers he'd given him a while back as a gag gift. Today Bruce was wearing a set called "Wings and Dings" with itty bitty disembodied penises adorned with halos and angel wings printed across a cloud-and-sky pattern. Clark spent some time admiring the man's bubble butt, only to recall his mission when the butler coughed discreetly.
"I will have breakfast prepared in half an hour, Master Kent, Master Bruce."
"Thanks, Alfred," Clark called as the butler somehow managed to exit the room quicker than he could follow.
"Hngrh," was Bruce's reply, muffled by a truly excessive number of feather pillows.
"Come on, babe, you heard Alfred. Time to get up." Clark laid a hand on one muscled bicep and shook his boyfriend gently.
"Ngh."
He bit back a smile at his sleepy bat's grumpiness and decided to level up his efforts. He slid out of bed and hauled his boyfriend into the aqua-massage chamber—Clark refused to call the small room with its symphony of water jet nozzles anything so mundane as a shower—in a fireman's carry. Grinning wickedly, he set the digital temperature control to 58 degrees and set the jets to full. Then he turned the showers on, and it was a good thing he could fly or he would've fallen over laughing at the viciousness of Bruce's cursing.
"So what has you so grumpy today?" Clark asked when they were at the breakfast table, watching as his boyfriend downed his second cup of coffee in 15 minutes. It was a good thing Dick had already left for school, or the Dark Knight would've gotten a lecture on the health hazards of too much caffeine from his Robin.
"Metropolis," Bruce grumbled.
"Hm? What about it?"
"Meeting Luthor at the WayneCom building there."
"That's right. I'd heard rumors Luthor was wooing WE in the hopes of partnering up for a series or projects."
"Mm."
Clark frowned. "Don't tell me you're considering it."
"Have you met me?"
The Man of Tomorrow grinned broadly. "I suppose I have. Why are you bothering to meet him, then?"
"Need to find out what he's up to."
"How are you going to do that when you're meeting at WayneCom?"
One perfectly groomed eyebrow arched toward exquisitely coiffed charcoal locks. "Have you met Brucie?"
Clark grinned. "Then I look forward to getting the exclusive."
Those had been words to live by, Clark decides as he trails after Luthor later that day. The bald billionaire has lost patience after being left to cool his heels in the antechamber of Wayne's office for over an hour and is now stomping around WayneCom in search of the WE president emeritus. A small crowd of distressed executives and amused members of the press follow in the Metropolitan billionaire's wake.
Nobody expects what happens when Luthor finds Wayne.
Billionaire Breakup: Luthor Woos WE, Wayne a No-Show
by Clark Kent
Metropolis billionaire Lex Luthor's temper flares after Bruce "Prince of Gotham" Wayne misses a meeting
to play with employees' kids in company daycare.
METROPOLIS—A possible partnership between industry giants LuthorCorp and Wayne Enterprises hit a snag yesterday when WE president emeritus failed to appear at a scheduled meeting with LuthorCorp CEO Lex Luthor.
The Metropolis billionaire had invited several members of the press to witness the historic first business meeting between himself and the so-called Prince of Gotham at WE's newly acquired company, Galaxy Communications, now WayneCom. Luthor was left disappointed when Wayne proved a no-show after over an hour.
Upon learning that Wayne was, in fact, on the premises, Luthor personally sought out the Gothamite, claiming, "It seems the mountain must come to Mohammed."
After some 40 minutes of searching, Luthor came upon Wayne in the building's newly refurbished daycare center, which occupied the whole of the fifth floor and was fully equipped with both toys and educational equipment, computers, and more.
Both the press and Luthor were taken aback when the elevator doors opened to reveal Wayne standing on the roof of a pink and periwinkle playhouse, fists on his hips with his arms akimbo.
Watch the video:
[Video starts, revealing Wayne in the pose described above.
Luthor: Wayne! What is the meaning of this? I've been waiting in your office for over an hour!
Wayne: (Looking confused) Oh, Lex. It's you. You're not supposed to be here until two in the afternoon.
Luthor: Wayne, for *BLEEP*'s sake, it's almost four o'clock!
Wayne: That can't be true. I'm supposed to meet you at two.
Random Child (offscreen): Bwoos, yow a poet, you don't even know it.
Wayne: It seems there are many things I don't know today. Like, apparently it's four when my meeting was at two. Have I been here four hours?
Children (offscreen): Yes, Bruce!
Luthor: Well, it's good you know that because I was here at two and you weren't!
Wayne: (Frowning, eyes darting around nervously) I was here the whole time. I've been here since lunchtime. You could've come and joined us anytime.
Luthor: Fine. Whatever. I'm here now. What do you say I—
His voice cuts off as Wayne jumps off the roof of the playhouse and lands on a foot stool shaped like a pig a couple of feet away from Lex. Finger extended, the Gotham billionaire reaches over and flicks Luthor on the nose.
Then he leaps onto another set of furniture and shouts.
Wayne: The floor is lava and Lex Luthor is the lava monster! Run for your lives!
A series of scrambling sounds follows this pronouncement. Kids can be seen hopping from one item of furniture to the next, Bruce hopping right along with them.
Luthor: (Muttered) What the *BLEEP*?!
Clark Kent (Background): Mr. Luthor, watch your language, please! There are children here!
Wayne: Tell him, Clarkie!
Luthor: Shut your trap, Kent! You get back here, Wayne!
Wayne: Catch me if you can, Lex! Betcha can't!
Luthor: Dear God, he's an imbecile.
LuthorCorp Executive: But Mr. Luthor, Mr. Fox said you would have to get Wayne to agree before they could commit to a partnership.
Luthor: Oh *BLEEP* me with a spoon.
Luthor can be seen clambering onto a set of furniture, breaking it, and crashing to the floor. ]
GIFs of the Metropolis billionaire cursing and crashing through furniture have since gone viral, many of these with animated flames, with the hashtags #LextheLavaMonster and #JustBleepNoSpoon.