In Life There Are Wayners and Luthors

Summary:

Brucie Wayne goes to LexLabs to make amends with Luthor and, predictably, only makes things worse for Lex.

Chapter 2

Bruce looks smug when he shows up at Clark's apartment that evening.

"Well, I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish when you made Lex a laughingstock, but congratulations."

"Thank you. I accomplished exactly what I set out to accomplish." Bruce acts as if he is oil and Clark's sarcasm is the water that will not wet him.

"And what's that?"

"I've apologized profusely and asked him if I could make up for it, earning an invitation to his new research facility tomorrow morning. As with yesterday, the press has been invited. I assume you'll be able to convince Perry to send you, on the argument it will be a followup to your article from today."

Clark's glasses glint in the light. "That article beat the headliner for hits, so you're not wrong. Why would I want to though?"

Bruce arranges his face into Brucie's patented look of clueless innocence. "Backup for your boyfriend? More hits on your articles? Utter devotion?"

A sigh. "I'll take a combination of all three. Let me text him."

But apparently Bruce is one step ahead of him (what else is new?), and a text from his editor awaits him letting him know he's to go directly to LexLabs in the morning to shadow the billionaires' rescheduled meeting. "And bring that video camera, Kent," Perry orders.

So the next day, Clark has joined the reporter swarm—it's bigger than yesterday and includes more tabloids along with the business rags, thanks to his viral video—in trailing Luthor as he once more searches a building for Brucie Wayne.

Clark had watched Bruce slip away in the middle of one of Luthor's monologues (AKA rants about overpowered aliens who might seem friendly but could turn dangerous with a single shift of mood), and he knows by way of comms Bruce has broken into the server room in one of the sub-basements. But he's not about to tell Luthor that, especially since the Metropolis billionaire's Superman-flavored paranoia means all his facilities have lead-lined walls and floors, and he has no idea how close Bruce is to being done with finding whatever it is he's trying to find.

"Sir," Mercy says to Luthor. "Do you think he might have gone downstairs?"

"Oh for the love of Moses," Luthor mutters. "How would he even gain access?"

"Well, someone has."

Clark knows Bruce didn't set off any alarms sneaking around, so he must be doing this on purpose. He switches on the little camera and dutifully hoists its monopod so it has a clear shot of Luthor as he and the rest of the reporters follow the man striding toward the elevator bank.

Billionaire Blunder: Luthor Loses Wayne During Tour of New Facilities

by Clark Kent

"I was just looking for the bathroom," the Prince of Gotham says after being found in a restricted area within the LexLabs facility. Luthor baffled by how he got past security.

METROPOLIS—The courtship dance between LexCorp and Wayne Enterprises continues as Bruce Wayne was invited to tour the newly launched LexLabs facility just outside the Greater Metropolis Area yesterday morning.

The tour was scheduled after Wayne failed to keep the appointment set with Luthor the day before. It was later found that the billionaire had been in the building the entire time, having spent the afternoon playing with employees' children in the staff daycare center. [Related: "Billionaire Breakup: Luthor Woos WE, Wayne a No-Show" by Clark Kent]

During the tour, it was noticed that Wayne had gone missing. He was found sometime later, having triggered alarms after accessing a restricted area of the LexCorp facility, enraging Luthor when he took to fiddling with the buttons and dials on what appeared to be a complex system of servers.

Watch the video:

[Video starts with a jostle as Lex Luthor shoulders through the small crowd of reporters. Bruce Wayne can be seen staring in wide-eyed amazement at a wall of tech riddled with screens, buttons, and dials.

Luthor: Wayne! How the hell did you get in here?

Wayne: Oh! Lexy, there you are! Look what I found! Buttons! I love buttons!

Wayne moves forward, running fingers over a series of buttons before stopping on a big red one.

LexLabs Researcher: No, sir, don't push that button!

Wayne: This one? But it's so shiny! Ooooh, here's another shiny one. What does this button do?

Unseen Reporter #1: God, he's like the blonde sister from that cartoon Dexter's Lab.

Unseen Reporter #2: With that face? More like that doge meme. You know, the shiba inu? 'Many buttons! Much technology! So amaze!'

Wayne's finger hovers over a glowing green button, his face slack with fascination.

Luthor: Wayne, you halfwit, get away from there before you kill someone!

Wayne: (startled, pulls his finger away from the button) With a button? Lexy, that's dangerous! Why do you have a button that can kill someone?

Luthor: (glancing nervously at the reporters) This is a secure room with safety features that include draining the room of oxygen and filling it with gaseous kryptonite. No one without top-level access should be able to get in here.

Wayne: Well, jeez, Lexy, that sounds really extreme.

Luthor: There are aliens in our midst, Wayne. In fact, that's why I asked to meet with you. I had the idea—

Wayne: I mean, what if someone who wasn't supposed to get in? You don't have kids, do you? 'Cause mine's a little monkey. He gets in everywhere! I wouldn't want him in a room with buttons that could kill him. Buttons are made of temptation, you know. They're there, you gotta push them.

Luthor: Wayne, literally no one but you feels that way.

Wayne: Nuh uh! Like I always say to Alfred—my butler, you know, but also kind of my dad? Except when he makes me wear American suits, cause then I know I'm in trouble and he would rather not be associated with me—anyway, like I always say to him, "See a button, push a button." It's like, a life philosophy.

Luthor: Jesus god, I don't think you know what a philosophy is supposed to be.

Wayne: Whatever, Lexy. I'm just saying a death button is just asking for trouble. And just cause some random person gets into this room? Heck, I got in, and I was just looking for the bathroom!

Luthor: Yes, about that. How—

Wayne: Hey, speaking of which, does one of these buttons open the door to the little boys' room? There's a button on my desk like that, and another button that opens into my secret bedroom beside my office. You know, in case I get any visits from someone special, so we can—

Luthor: Goddamn it, no, Wayne, there isn't a bathroom here, and I don't want to hear about your delinquencies.

Wayne: Lexy, you really shouldn't talk about people's delinquencies when you were just threatening to kill me 'cause I really had to pee and you hid the bathrooms in here really well.

Luthor: Just get out, Wayne. Just get out.

Wayne: (pouting) Okay, but first can I go pee?

Luthor: OUT! All of you, OUT!

Camera jostles as reporters are ushered out. Bruce Wayne can be heard off-screen.

Wayne: All this trouble over a little tinkle.]

EDIT: As of this posting, several hashtags and memes related to the video above have gone viral, including #DogeWayne, #BeeBeeInLexLabs, #JustHadToPee, #ILoveButtons, and #TinkleTrouble. Several netizens have also shown support for the Gotham billionaire, sharing their own compulsion to push buttons when they see them. The term "puga pyga philia," supposedly "love of buttons" in Latin, has also gained popularity since the events recounted here.

Despite the lead-lined walls, Luthor's ranting is loud enough that Clark can hear him as they are ushered hastily toward the exit.

Once outside the LexLabs facility—Bruce having been escorted into a limo—Clark turns and walks toward a nearby park, thinking he'll need to find a space out of anyone's earshot before he can contact Bruce.

But he's underestimated the Gothamite, as a sleek black limo pulls alongside him and the backseat window rolls down. "Clarkie!" Bruce chirps in full Brucie mode. "I thought that was you!"

Clark stops and smiles timidly, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Oh, hi, Mr. Wayne. I don't suppose you'd be interested in giving me an exclusive about what just happened?"

Bruce frowns. "You mean when I got lost looking for the bathroom?"

"Yes." Clark struggles to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "That."

"Well, sure, Clarkie! Anything for you. Hop in, I'll give you a ride back to the Planet."

"Thanks, Mr. Wayne!" Clark beams at him and puts on a show of fumbling with the door handle before clambering into the back of the limo. Bruce has already scooted over.

"Take the scenic route to the Daily Planet building, please, Alfred," Bruce calls toward the front.

"Very well, sir."

Bruce arches an eyebrow at Clark. "So?"

"Whatever that room is tied to is definitely something Lex doesn't want anyone, much less Superman, knowing anything about," Clark confirms.

"Hnn. We knew that much going in."

"Well, as we were leaving, I heard Luthor tell that assistant of his—"

"Mercy Graves."

"Yes, her. Anyway, he told her that since they can't be sure of how much the press saw when you were found, they'll have to move up weapon deployment schedule. I don't like the sound of that."

"Hnn."

"Now it's your turn."

"Hmm?"

"Tell me what you found on those servers."

"Hnn."

"Bruce!"

"Clark!" the Gothamite mimicks. Then he relents. "Alfred?"

"From the schematics Master Bruce was able to upload before allowing himself to be detected on their security system—"

"Ha! I knew it." Clark realizes he's just made a grave mistake; he's interrupted Alfred, of all people. He ducks his head and smiles sheepishly as he meets the eyes in the rearview mirror. "Sorry, Alfred."

"Not at all, Master Clark. As I was saying, the schematics show Luthor is building some manner of oversized robot, and the designs appear to include some sort of Kryptonite-bearing weaponry."

"Oh, that's not good," Clark mutters.

"No, it isn't," Bruce agrees. "Which is why we're staying in Metropolis for the rest of the week."

Clark frowns. "You don't have to do that. I know you need to patrol."

"I can easily fly back and forth using the Batwing."

"That's not very environmentally friendly, Bruce."

"God, you're such a boy scout sometimes. Fine, you can fly me to Gotham for patrol and fly me back to Metropolis afterward so I can figure out what Luthor's planning."

Clark grins. "It'll be a pleasure."

"No bridal carry, Clark."

"No promises, Bruce."

"Hnn."

VIDEO EXCLUSIVE! Bruce Wayne on Being Thrown Out of LexLabs

by Clark Kent

"I'm not sure why Lexy was so mad," the billionaire says of LexCorp CEO Lex Luthor.

METROPOLIS—Gotham billionaire and Bruce Wayne was ousted from a LexLabs facility yesterday after wandering into a restricted server room. The Wayne Enterprises President Emeritus was found fiddling with the buttons and dials on the machinery, enraging LexLabs founder Alexander Luthor. [Related: Billionaire Blunder: Luthor Loses Wayne During Tour of New Facilities" by Clark Kent]

The video of the encounter has since gone viral, inspiring several memes and hashtags, such as #DogeWayne, #TinkleTrouble, and #ILoveButtons

"I'm not sure why Lexy was so mad," Wayne confided in an exclusive interview following the incident. "I was just looking for the bathroom. He's gotta understand that when a person has to go, they really have to go. It's, like, the bladder directive."

When it was suggested Luthor's temper was sparked not by Wayne's need to relieve himself but on his insistence on pushing buttons without first determining what they were for, the Gotham billionaire bristled visibly.

"Hey, if they're not there for pushing, why put so many buttons in the first place? Also, Lex said some of those buttons could kill us! That kind of thing needs warning signs, it's basic workplace safety. I mean, in Gotham people want to kill you all the time, but the crooks are decent, honest types, so they'll tell you about it and not let you wander into some random place and possibly push a button that could make you dead."

Watch the video of Bruce Wayne's exclusive interview with the Daily Planet below:

[Video starts with a shot of Bruce Wayne in the back of a limo, clearly enjoying what looks to be a large tumbler of scotch.

Kent: Mr. Wayne, can you tell us what exactly happened earlier this afternoon at LexLabs?

Wayne: I'm not sure why Lexy was so mad. I was just looking for the bathroom. He's gotta understand that when a person has to go, they really have to go. It's, like, the bladder directive. Or biological imperative. Like how in Star Trek, you're not supposed to mess with alien cultures? Yeah, well, in humans, you're not supposed to mess with your body's basic functions. See? I know things.

Kent: Ah, Mr. Wayne, it may not have been your need to for a, well, lavatory that caused Mr. Luthor to lose his temper. You did push several buttons at random.

Wayne: (visibly annoyed) Hey, if they're not there for pushing, why put so many buttons in the first place? Also, Lex said some of those buttons could kill us! That kind of thing needs warning signs, it's basic workplace safety. I mean, in Gotham people want to kill you all the time, but the crooks are decent, honest types, so they'll tell you about it and not let you wander into some place and possibly push a button that could make you dead.

Kent: I'm not sure "decent" and "honest" are words most people would use to describe Gotham criminals, Mr. Wayne.

Wayne: Oh, Clarkie. That's 'cause you're such a Metropolis boy. Most of the criminals in Gotham are decent folk who just can't catch a break. Or mentally ill individuals who need help from qualified professionals. But most of them are pretty honest about what they want and what they plan to do. Heck, half my hostage-takings have only come after the bad guys sent in warnings about their plans to the GCPD. And for the supervillains, they've got their branding all set, so any Gothamite is reasonably forewarned. I'd say that's pretty decent of them, wouldn't you?

Kent: Uh, would you care to clarify that point for a non-Gothamite, sir?

Wayne: Clarkie, you've been to Gotham. Heck, you've been to a bunch of my galas, which means you've probably been held hostage at some point.

A message flashes across the screen informing viewers that Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent has been a victim in no less than six incidents of violence while covering events in Gotham.

Wayne: You know. If the Joker shows up to a party, nobody's gonna push anything with a button that he brings 'cause it's either gonna be a gag or blow everybody up. Poison Ivy or Scarecrow show up, and you gotta head to the nearest gas mask supply that's now legally mandated in all public spaces. Get Two-Face, you know he's gonna flip a coin before he decides if he wants to kill you or not. The Riddler? Well, you know exactly what's gonna happen, just from his name.

Kent: But, Mr. Wayne, all of these are life-threatening situations borne out of plans to harm or even kill people. Mr. Luthor was simply explaining his security measures to you.

Wayne: Life-threatening security measures. And yes, Gotham's villains might technically be doing something criminal, but that's my point. My point is that everything's clear, everybody's honest about it. None of this "you might accidentally kill yourself and everyone present and it'll be your fault" stuff like you Metropolis people have. I mean, I heard you have a guy who likes to put bombs in kids' toys. Jesus. And you call us savages.

Kent: Did you just call Metropolitans savages?

Wayne: You're asking questions, Clarkie, but you're not listening to my answers. What I'm saying is, look to your own selves, Metropolitans, and let he who lives in a glass house throw the stones.

Kent: Uh, I'm don't think that's how the quote goes, Mr. Wayne.

Wayne: Whatever. You see my point.

Kent: Er, not quite, but maybe we should just move on to the next point.

Wayne: Anything you want, you strapping Kansan beefcake. I'm happy to give you as many points as you like.

Kent: Mr. Wayne! That's highly inappropriate!

Wayne: And yet also highly accurate. Go ahead and ask your next question, Clarkie. Although we can keep flirting if you want. Now that I don't have to tour LexLabs, I've got all day. And Lucius is always telling me to be nice to the press. I'd love to be nice to you, Clarkie.

Kent: I don't think this is what Mr. Fox meant when he told you that, Mr. Wayne.

Alfred Pennyworth: (offscreen) I can assure you it was not what Mr. Fox meant when he instructed Mr. Wayne to be courteous with the Fourth Estate, Mr. Kent.

A brief message identifying Pennyworth as the driver and Bruce's butler flashes across the screen.

Kent: Thank you, Mr. Pennyworth. So, um, Mr. Wayne. How exactly did you get into the secure server room at LexLabs today?

Wayne: It wasn't that secure. Like I said, I really had to pee, so I went looking for a bathroom. Thought that might be it, so I kind of went over and jiggled the knob a bit. Then the door opened and I got distracted from needing to pee by all the shiny buttons.

Kent: But Mr. Luthor says those doors would have been secured by special locks that require biometric information to open.

Wayne: Well, whatever. I think I want a wall of buttons like Lex's. That's another biological directive, you know. People have been conditioned to want to push any buttons they come across. It's a convulsion.

Kent: I think you mean a compulsion.

Wayne: Yes? Maybe? I don't know. All I know is that when a man has to pee, he has to pee. Lex shouldn't have gotten in the way of my biological imperative. Also, in all the excitement, I forgot to pee. Can I pee when we get to your office?

Video ends as Wayne shifts in his seat, visibly uncomfortable.]

Mr. Luthor remains unavailable for comment.

EDIT: Since this video was published, the hashtag #BiologicalImperative has trended on Twitter. Also on the rise are the hashtags #GothamPride, #OnlyInGotham, and #DecentHonestCriminals, and netizens have been sharing heartwarming stories from their experiences with Gotham's criminals during muggings, hostage situations, bank robberies, and more.